Da Fetus Attitude
Week of 09/03/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
After Silence From Supreme Court, Texas Clinics Confront Near-Total Abortion Ban
–– In quiffhanger.
Torrent of water pours into New York subway station
–– Rats hang ten.
Texas abortion ban leaves mixed signals about fate of Roe
–– Won’t have to Wade long.
Has Biden reached a ‘break-glass moment’ on Supreme Court expansion after Texas abortion case?
–– Pro-lifers breaking champagne glasses after toast.
Biden: Texas abortion law 'blatantly violates' Roe precedent
–– Roe, Roe, Roe, your boot.
Analysis: Texas abortion ban opens up 'Wild West' of enforcement, critics say
–– With women's feet in stirrups.
America’s 20-year war in Afghanistan ends as last U.S. military cargo plane lumbers into the sky over Kabul
–– Anniversary cake with Twin Towers candles left behind.
Fact check: Sen. Joni Ernst falsely claims Biden has 'not once' expressed gratitude to troops who fought in the last 20 years
–– Too often is ‘not once.’
Taliban celebrates U.S. departure, invites in international investors
–– Covets brands Kabulvision, Sunni D, Fatwa Tuesday, Sharia-Netherland Hotel.
No, the Taliban did not seize $83 billion of U.S. weapons
–– Yesss!
Afghan President Ashraf Ghani fled Kabul so quickly fearing execution by the Taliban that aides who returned from a lunch break wondered where he'd gone
–– Served chicken.
CNN Mocks Trump Over Wild Account Of Maybe Talking To Taliban Leader Who 'Screamed'
–– At sight of grotesque pumpkin head.
Ann Coulter sides with Biden on Afghanistan over withdrawal, calling Trump a 'wuss' who broke his promise
–– Gives Coulter shoulder.
Mitt Romney, criticizing Trump and Biden, says the US is facing situation in Afghanistan 'because of terrible decisions made by two administrations'
–– Can’t count to four to include guilty Bush, Obama?
The Taliban's education minister says it will allow Afghan women to attend university, but mixed gender classes will be banned
–– Mulling chadorleaders for football games.
Lindsey Graham repeats impeachment call for former friend Joe Biden
–– Graham's crackers.
'Ripping and flying and banging': Woman recounts experience during Ida
–– “I was having sex with an aerialist wearing paper underwear.’
Person Who Filmed Worker Delivering Food in Ida Floods Wants to Give Them Money from Footage
–– Worked for Streamless.
Hurricane Ida Damages Whitney Plantation, Only Louisiana Museum to Focus on the Enslaved
–– From Mixed Emotions file.
Video shows cow stuck in a tree after Hurricane Ida
–– A milkwood!
'QAnon Shaman' Jacob Chansley pleads guilty to felony in US Capitol riot
–– On horns of dilemma.
McCarthy Threatens Technology Firms That Comply With Riot Inquiry
–– Claims he'll instruct operators to not connect instant messages.
Rep. Cawthorn talks of 'bloodshed' over future elections as he pushes voting lies
–– He's already revolting.
New York Gov. Kathy Hochul pledges to investigate subway system after 'unprecedented' 5-hour shutdown forced passengers to self-evacuate from tunnels
–– Which she thinks happened in Elmira.
Fact check: Georgia candidate Herschel Walker is a serial promoter of false 2020 conspiracy theories
–– Passes them deep.
Texans can now openly carry guns in public without a permit or training. Police say the new law makes it harder to do their jobs
–– Must carry own spittoon into saloons.
Parkland school shooting suspect Nikolas Cruz should not be called 'the killer,' attorney argues
–– How about death worker?
The Latest IRS Headache for Taxpayers: 11 Million ‘Math Error’ Notices
–– With really nasty comments from teacher.
US Navy Develops Weapon That Could Make It Impossible To Speak
–– We can think of sooo many enemies.
RFK’s oldest son condemns possible parole of Sirhan Sirhan
–– Sheer con, sheer con.
Cancel culture critic Pete Hegseth backs Florida diner's ban on Biden voters in Fox News segment
–– Should order crow.
How Progressives Are Knocking Out Local Judges Across the Country
–– NPR tote bags filled with rocks.
Wicked composer Stephen Schwartz: ‘The US arts scene is like a totalitarian state’
–– With work that makes Soviet Era look like Renaissance.
Bombshell Lawsuit Has ‘GMA’ Co-Hosts at Each Other’s Throats, Sources Say
–– Where's PPV bout?
Mike Richards Fired as Executive Producer of ‘Jeopardy!’ and ‘Wheel of Fortune’
–– Woke America sleeps sounder.
Mike Richards Reportedly Had a “Dismantling” Effect as Price is Right Producer
–– By building highest-rated game show?
Bonnaroo organizers cancel this year's festival, citing flooding from heavy rains
–– It's typically a washout.
It’s Time to Redeem 'Prometheus'
–– What can we get for trading in piece of dreck?
Ethan Hawke says he thought Robin Williams 'hated me' while filming 'Dead Poets Society'
–– Sees the day.
'Schitt's Creek' star Emily Hampshire explains how the show helped her come out as pansexual
–– Then 6-year run worth it.
Tom Cruise Was ‘Driving Force’ Behind Val Kilmer’s ‘Top Gun 2’ Role: He Was ‘Adamant’ Val Return
–– Gave 'flying fuck?'
Marvel’s ‘Shang-Chi’ Is a Bland ‘Black Panther’ Retread
–– Jan-ky?
Thandiwe Newton Rejected Superhero Film That Offered Her Role of ‘Mom Who Just Dies’
–– Of embarrassment, presumably.
Francis Ford Coppola Willing to Spend $100M of His Own Money to Get Dream Project ‘Megalopolis’ Made
–– Coppola lips now.
Reese Witherspoon Remembered Thinking "This Is Not Going To Work" When She Welcomed Daughter Ava
–– Her breast pump?
Monica Lewinsky Explained Why She Wanted The Thong-Flashing Scene Included In "Impeachment: American Crime Story"
–– Ah, the same old thong.
Monica Lewinsky should be seen ‘in a different light’ after being ‘silenced,’ ‘Impeachment’ star says
–– Dimmest possible bulb.
Sarah Paulson addresses criticism over portrayal of Linda Tripp in 'fat suit' in 'Impeachment'
–– Ignore bulk of her argument.
Nielsen’s National Ratings Accreditation Suspended by Media Rating Council
–– Knocked out of box.
Is There a New ‘Last Week Tonight With John Oliver’ Airing This Week?
–– How can article be more than one word in length?
Dave Franco to Direct Wife Alison Brie in His New Movie Somebody I Used To Know for Amazon
–– About his invisible brother?
Kanye West Says ‘Donda’ Album Was Released Without His Permission
–– And before it was vaccinated.
Kanye West asked Trump to join him on stage at ‘Donda’ event: report
–– Dondahead.
Kourtney Kardashian Takes Risks in a Sheer Slip Dress & Invisible Heels in Italy
–– Afraid she might trip on cobblestones?
Iskra Lawrence shuts down her 'insecurities' as she poses in a sexy swimsuit: 'I can wear whatever the F I want'
–– While cranking up ‘exhibitionisms.’
This Video of Adele Flipping Her Hair and Rapping Along to "WAP" Is a Borderline Religious Experience
–– For White Anglican Protestants?
Seth Rogen Shaves Off His Classic Bushy Beard and Fluffy Hair: 'Same Smoldering Look'
–– Locks and bagels.
Kaley Cuoco and Karl Cook announce they are separating
–– KC and the sunshine disband.
Star Wars’ Frank Oz Explains How He Found Yoda’s Signature Way Of Speaking
–– Series of mini-strokes.
Frank Oz says he's not welcome to perform with the Muppets or on 'Sesame Street': 'Disney doesn't want me'
–– And Miss Piggy has restraining order.
Steve Irwin's Heartbreaking Last Words After Fatal Stingray Attack
–– “Put a bloody…koff…ray on the barbie…”
Aspiring Model With Lymphedema “Vows” To Never Amputate 100lb Leg Despite Negativity From Online Trolls
–– Pins hopes.
SAG-AFTRA Elects Fran Drescher as President
–– Guess they couldn't resist two years of speeches in that voice.
‘The Expendables’ Returning For Lionsgate With Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Megan Fox & More
–– As 'The Utterly Unnecessaries.'
John Cho Addresses ‘Cowboy Bebop’ Fans Who Think He’s Too Old: Age Was My ‘Biggest Fear’
–– That's your source of embarrassment for that project?
Dave Bautista on Working With Jason Momoa in 'See' Season 2: 'We Just Gel'
–– With all that hair maybe he ‘gels’, but you?
Timothée Chalamet Raced to Finish Reading ‘Dune’ for First Time After Villeneuve Called to Meet
–– The word.
’Dune’ 1984: Francesca Annis, The Original Lady Jessica, Lifts The Lid On Life Behind The Scenes Of David Lynch’s Epic, The ‘Heaven’s Gate’ Of Sci-Fi
–– Toilet lid should be left closed.
No stranger to plagues, Venice opens film fest with caution
–– Hoping content won’t go viral.
Roberto Benigni Steals the Show as Venice Film Festival Kicks Off
–– Too late.
We Are Family Now’: Male Witness Describes R. Kelly Sexually Abusing Him as Teen
–– Incested on it.
Adult Film Star Ron Jeremy Indicted on More Than 30 Counts of Sexual Assault
–– That he called rehearsal.
Bronx man gets pummeled after trying to break into car with metal spatula
–– Flipped.
McDonald's Broken Ice Cream Machines Are Being Investigated By The Feds, Media Reports
–– Should probe glop they produce when functional.
Butterflies drink more than nectar—here's how to turn your yard into an oasis
–– Sprinkle it with cheap Scotch.
Why wildlife officials are urging people to kill spotted lanternflies
–– They’re mad, we tell you, mad!
Dog left covered in porcupine quills after tussle with animal in viral video
–– Tricky squirrel with sack of porcupine quills.
Dog Born with Upside-Down Paws Learns to Walk 3 Months After Undergoing Corrective Surgery
–– On ceiling!
Antibiotic Resistance Found Deep in Forests of Scandinavia
–– Wild brown bears refuse to take medicine.
Video shows gator going up in smoke after eating drone
–– Gatorache.
Paralympian is stripped of gold medal for being three minutes late
–– Tries to argue he has 'temporal dyslexia.'
Mets president Sandy Alderson condemns ‘thumbs down’ gesture from players to fans, to meet with team
–– Meet the Mets, beat the Mets, step right up, maltreat the Mets!
Báez, Lindor apologize for thumbs-down jab at Mets fans
–– After removing theirs from asses.
Mets GM Scott charged with DWI
–– Just show judges team’s 19-loss August record.
Pitcher Josh Staumont Kicks Ball To First Baseman In Possibly 'Wildest Play' Of Season
–– Soccer punch.
‘I just felt really weak': Anna Nordqvist reveals mental health battle after major victory
–– Now we have to feel sorry for winners?
‘Your heart has been ripped to shreds’: New Zealand hockey star’s open letter catches eye of top Olympians
–– Sounds like she needs more cardio.
Sha’Carri Richardson’s Eugene flop suggests a case of too much too soon
–– Too munchie too soon.
US Open match suspended amid heavy rainfall despite stadium roof
–– Overhead smash.
Stefanos Tsitsipas is booed at the US Open after taking another lengthy toilet break
–– Wasn’t just roof leaking.
FAA says it's investigating problems with Richard Branson's flight to edge of space
–– Like how he even got to bill it as such.
Scientists Sent A Signal 13 Billion Miles Into Space And Got A Response From A Decades-Old Spacecraft
–– Message: ‘Piss off.’
New Research Shows That the Moon Hasn’t Had a Magnetic Field in the Last 4 Billion Years
–– When single-cell creatures were buying naming rights.
'Divorce is not possible' with US over space station, says Russian space chief who threatened to pull out
–– ‘You cannot walk out on mate up there.’
A Terrified Bank Teller Cowered Under Her Desk During A Robbery, But Was She A Victim Or The Heist’s Mastermind?
–– Or looking for lost contact lens?
‘Dolphin skin’ is trending: Here’s what we know and how to achieve it
–– Hear that weird sound? They're laughing at you.
Looks Like Bird Dung. But It’s Really a Predatory Spider.
–– No shit?
War against "murder hornets" turns as scientists successfully use method to locate and destroy nests
–– Order drone attacks.
Rose McGowan says she was stung by a 'murder hornet': 'Incredible pain'
–– ‘Murder hornet’: 'Bullshit.'
California’s ‘Cantaloupe Center’ struggles to reign supreme as drought pummels agriculture across the West
–– Experiences meloncholy.
Amazon tells delivery partners not to screen for marijuana amid labor shortage
–– Dashboards include meth dispensers.
Seeing more spiders crawling around your home? Don't panic, there's a reason, experts say
–– All that meth.
Piers Morgan, cleared of wrongdoing, takes aim at Megan Markle’s mental health again
–- Topic’s mile wide, but he only has peashooter.
New Lifeboat Is Named The Duke of Edinburgh to Honor Prince Philip's Legacy
–– New butt plug The Prince Andrew.
Queen Elizabeth Says She Will Not Abdicate the Throne "Unless I Get Alzheimer’s Or Have A Stroke"
–– “Or Charles and Camilla succeed with their poisonings.”
Israel urges Netanyahu return gifts; he denies keeping them
–– Including Bibi gun.
China’s new U.S. ambassador goes full wolf in first major speech
–– He's a howl.
Adam Sandler says Netflix asked him to rewrite his new movie so it wasn't set in China because the company doesn't do business there
–– And aim it at Podunk because it does.
WHO, Berlin float sanctions if countries suppress information on pandemics
–– China: ’You mean future ones, of course.’
The big difference between this pandemic and the one that killed 50 million people
–– Cold (and flu) comfort.
Mystery woman struts through airport wearing only a bikini — and mask
–– We spent whole clip trying to see her footwear.
Rand Paul says scientists won't study horse-deworming drug ivermectin's use as a potential COVID cure because of their 'hatred for Trump'
–– ‘And love of worms!’
Mississippi's governor says people in the state are less scared of COVID-19 because they 'believe in eternal life'
–– Mandates non-Christians be forcibly converted.
Ed Asner, Emmy-Winning Star of ‘Lou Grant’ and ‘Up,’ Dies at 91
–– 'Down.'
Ed Asner, actor who twice had the role of a lifetime as newsman Lou Grant, dies at 91
–– Grant’s tomb.
Bob Diamond, the ‘Tunnel King’ of Brooklyn, Dies at 61
–– Burrow of Brooklyn.
Gregg Leakes, ‘Real Housewives of Atlanta’ Star and NeNe Leakes’ Husband, Dies at 66
–– Leakes out.
