Badge of Horror
Week of 11/26/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Marjorie Taylor Greene introduces bill to award Congressional Gold Medal to Rittenhouse
–– Hidden in 1 of 1,000 Wonka Bars.
Swedish PM resigns on first day in job
–– Bitter Swede result.
Bernie Sanders Is Right: Biden’s Big Build Back Better Bill Is a Huge Gift to the Rich
–– We thought he was Left.
‘Toxic is spot-on': House members describe roiling animosity among lawmakers
–– Roil pains in the ass.
First lady Jill Biden welcomes White House Christmas tree
–– President has 20 minute conversation with it.
Former Trump attorney Michael Cohen is a free man and vows to cooperate with law enforcement
–- Ratso risen.
Jan. 6 panel faces double-edged sword with Alex Jones, Roger Stone
–– Both incredibly dull.
Trump argues Jan. 6 panel could permanently damage the presidency with its pursuit of White House records
–– ‘And finish the beautiful work we started.’
Al Gore 'was a man' about his election loss, unlike Trump, federal judge says
–– Who was baby honey badger.
Jan. 6 Organizers Reportedly Used Burner Phones To Communicate With Eric Trump
–– On his Fisher-Price Laugh and Learn Smart Phone.
Iowa Poll: Half of Iowans say Jan. 6 riot at U.S. Capitol was 'an insurrection and a threat to democracy'
–– Other half doubt they could even get it up.
Broadway Actor Arrested in Connection to Jan. 6 Capitol Riot, Suspended from Jesus Christ Superstar
–– Asked: ‘Do you think you’re what they say you are?’
Brendan Hunt sentenced to 19 months in prison for threatening to assault or murder members of Congress
–– Hung by a threat.
A judge just spared a Capitol rioter jail time by noting she 'showed up in a tutu, not — as many did — in military gear'
–– Did she plié the fifth?
Defense lawyer prompts outrage for bringing up Ahmaud Arbery's toenails in closing arguments
–– Cuticle race theory.
Jury finds men guilty of murdering Ahmaud Arbery
–– Bigots' loser.
Kamala Harris praised the jury in Ahmaud Arbery trial for arriving at guilty verdicts despite defense team's 'tactics' like trying to ban Black pastors from courthouse
–– Best defense is a gross offense.
Officer says Waukesha crash that killed 6 people and injured 62 others was an 'intentional act to hurt as many people as possible'
–– Tragically only thing vicious scum ever succeeded at.
Darrell Brooks' ex-girlfriend says that she's 'mortified' he fathered her child and that she can't sleep over the rampage in Waukesha
–– And is beginning to ‘question my taste in men.’
Waukesha parade victim had previously undiagnosed cancer, husband says
–– File under ‘silver linings?’
Trump says the Waukesha suspect was a 'rough cookie' but 'the good news is, he hated Trump'
–– Don’t even try to get us to warm to him.
Second family becomes first to affix a mezuzah on executive home
–– Blah mitzvah.
Rep. Cori Bush calls for expulsion of House Republicans who offered Kyle Rittenhouse an internship, says her job feels 'more and more dangerous' every day
–- Don’t beat around Bush.
‘Absolutely no words': Gabrielle Union, Megyn Kelly, more celebs react to Kyle Rittenhouse verdict
–– Which is exactly what we want from them.
They joined the Wisconsin Proud Boys looking for brotherhood. They found racism, bullying and antisemitism.
–– Looking for loathe in all the wrong places.
'Squad' Rep. Tlaib grilled over bill that would empty federal prisons in 10 years
–– BREATHE a sigh of relief?
White House pushes back at Rashida Tlaib prison stand
–– Releasing felons on innocent population not politically popular?
Trump Tower bar selling $45 presidential cocktail with side of Diet Coke, beef sliders
–– Induces ‘beef sliders’ in ‘executive bathroom.’
Trump says Mark Zuckerberg 'would often come to the White House trying to get goodies — he didn't do too well'
–– No Diet Coke or beef sliders?
Beto O'Rourke: Texas campaign won't be about Biden
–– ‘I can lose on my own.’
Trump believes he 'made' Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis into a GOP star and expects more appreciation from him: report
–– Made like Henry Hill.
N.Y. Assembly report finds ‘overwhelming evidence’ Cuomo engaged in sexual harassment, used state resources for memoir
–– Not just abusing anecdotes?
De Blasio wants to ban ‘inhumane’ horse carriages in NYC again — but skeptics question timing
–– Typical buggy decision.
Maggot infestation permeates Bronx building, one week after murder-suicide
–– Rotten luck.
Workers are rising up across the US, but the 'Rust' shooting is a reminder that bosses still reign supreme
–– Or tying boring screed to sensational topic.
Idris Elba Thought He Was Actually Shot While Filming ‘American Gangster,' According to Director Ridley Scott
–– There wasn’t film in camera?
Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are dating but taking things 'extra slow'
–– Because they are.
Kanye West says Kim Kardashian reunion would inspire “millions of families”
–– To vomit.
Travis Barker Said He's "So Proud" Of His Daughter For Flying To Cabo With Him After He Avoided Planes For 13 Years
–– Didn’t take crash course.
How will Travis Scott and Kylie Jenner's brands be impacted by Astroworld tragedy? Experts weigh in.
–– If you give fuck, stop reading, leave page, never return.
Travis Scott Seen with Mark Wahlberg in First Public Outing Since News of Astroworld Tragedy Broke
–– Mocky mock justice.
Elizabeth Hurley, 56, poses in a bikini on Caribbean vacation
— Hurley barely.
Paul Rudd recalls sleeping on a dumpster mattress and waking up 'covered in red bumps' during the early days of his career
–– And being voted Insectsiest Man Alive.
Eddie Redmayne 'wouldn't' take trans 'Danish Girl' role now: 'I think it was a mistake'
–– We saw it, agree.
Ryan Reynolds Revealed the Worst Acting Job He Ever Accepted
–– With so many to choose from.
Opinion: Adele transformed herself. Here’s why that’s a challenge for some women.
–– Who don’t have magical powers.
Kid Rock rails against 'snowflakes' and 'offended' millennials in new song, 'Don't Tell Me How To Live'
–– Cancelled cheek.
Peter Jackson speaks about The Beatles' failed attempt to make 'The Lord Of The Rings' movie
–– As musical with numbers Ent I Love Her, Happiness Is a Warm Gandalf, And My Gollum Gently Weeps, With a Little Help From My Frodo, The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bilbo, The Long and Winding Rune.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Son Joseph Baena Announces Movie Project in Shirtless Post
–– Which sounds like sequel to Pantsless Gazette.
Paul Thomas Anderson Goes Back to the Valley With ‘Licorice Pizza’
–– To very floor.
Will Smith says Venus and Serena Williams watching 'King Richard' was 'the worst 2 hours of my life'
–– ‘And I sat through premiere of Wild Wild West.’
Chrissy Teigen Debuts New Eyebrows Following Transplant, Warns Teens to 'Not Pluck Them All Off'
–– Internet brows her.
How Michael Jackson's crotch-grabbing 'Black or White' dance routine shocked TV audiences in 1991
–– He seemed to be grasping at straw.
Eighties pop star Debbie Gibson: ‘The price of fame is high. I have a therapist on speed dial!’
–– To deal with delusion you’re still pop star?
Kevin Spacey ordered to pay nearly $31 million to 'House of Cards' production company
–– Talk about crotch-grabbing.
Tiffany Haddish Asks Fans If They Too ‘Wax All The Hair Off’ Their Lady Parts After A Relationship Ends
–– Still getting bald?
"Malfunction" Reveals New Information about Janet Jackson's Infamous Superbowl Halftime Performance
–– New York Times’ titty in ringer.
Barbados defends inviting Prince of Wales to ceremony removing the Queen as head of state
–– ‘We know how desperately he wants her gone.’
These New Comments From Prince Harry's Ex-Girlfriend May Explain Why He Married Meghan Markle
–– ‘He’s dumber than dirt.’
Meghan Markle's estranged father, Thomas Markle, says her interview on 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show' was embarrassing for the royal family.
–– His to hominid family.
Rare Einstein manuscript that ‘almost miraculously’ survived is expected to fetch millions at Paris auction
–– Relatively miraculous.
British man given 3D printed eye in world first, hospital says
–– Rolls 360º.
President Biden eats his Thanksgiving meal at $30 million Nantucket home of private equity billionaire David Rubenstein
–– He yam what he yams?
The biggest Thanksgiving travel headaches –– and how to avoid them
–– Stay home.
The most infamous balloon mishaps from the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade
–– Remember when drunk Santa ‘blew up’ Barney?
How to brine a turkey: Wet vs. dry and the results you can expect
–– Tom likes it wet and slow.
Think turkey tryptophan makes you sleepy? Think again
–– While you’re nodding off after breast, wing, drumstick.
Why Martha Stewart Suggests Using a Clean T-Shirt to Cook Your Thanksgiving Turkey
–– Dirty ones ‘taste funny.’
Rod Stewart: ‘I got Elton a fridge for Christmas. He got me a Rembrandt’
–– Entitled Saskia Gets Gouda From the Ice Box.
Billie Eilish Asks Followers to Reconsider Eating Turkey on Thanksgiving: 'Just Keep It in Mind'
–– Only 2 legged mammals dumb as her fans.
Is the World’s Most Celebrated Cheese Going Extinct?
–– Camembert ex-stinks.
Little Tikes made a Peloton-like bike for kids, but child development experts cry foul
–– Especially over loaded diaper seat.
Some Old Spice and Secret deodorants recalled after cancer-causing chemical is detected
–– We smell a lawsuit.
A North Korean man who smuggled 'Squid Game' into the country is to be executed by firing squad and a high-school student who bought a USB drive with the show will be jailed for life, report says
–– We'd call that two thumbs down.
Hong Kong jails 20-year-old activist under national security law
–– Not even halfway dissent.
Italy's Draghi vetoes third Chinese takeover this year
–– Draghi his feet.
Ukraine’s Zelensky alleges Russia plotting coup against him for next week
–– And he can’t squeeze into schedule.
Fearing new Russian threat, Ukraine races to upgrade its navy
–– Buys second kayak.
Private jet concept with a sundeck and dancefloor showcased at Dubai Airshow
–– We want to see it deployed in flight.
Why This Dating App Is Paying All Employees an $80,000 Minimum Salary
–– Because unhinged venture capitalists decided to throw stupid money at something called Feeld.
How to avoid the world's second biggest economy in your portfolio
–– Binging China.
'Woke leading the blind': Heated debate over NASA telescope name
–– Lens credibility.
Native American leaders say Chaco prayers being answered
–– Keeping Hopi alive.
The mysterious symbols found carved in Qatar's deserts
–– By stone Qatar.
Four-eared kitten becomes social media sensation
–– In 24-hour freak show we’re trapped in.
Golden retriever using fellow dog as “booty pillow” melts hearts online
–– Takes Shih Tzu?
Walking's 'sister activity' may burn more calories
–– Shaking your ass?
Hawaii officials kept a man wanted on drug charges institutionalized and sedated for two years. Only problem: He was the wrong guy. Now he's suing the state.
–– And now he’s hooked on illegal Fentanyl.
14 people rushed into a Louis Vuitton store outside Chicago and ran out with at least $100,000 in merchandise, police say
–– One handbag each.
Why some US cities are facing a spree of 'smash-and-grab' crimes
–– Nation 'felon groovy.'
3 arrested after dozens ransack a Nordstrom store near San Francisco, police say
–– Nordstrom racked.
Autopsy shows Brian Laundrie died by suicide, attorney says
–– Removed stain.
A man was found alive after being declared dead and left in a morgue freezer overnight, reports say
–– Shortest cold case ever.
New Jersey officer faces charges after body of hit-and-run victim was found in the back seat of his car, prosecutors say
–– Claimed he was going to drop off at recycling center.
The best robot vacuums of 2021
–– None got Robbie’s ‘nether circuits’ clean.
Mammoth tusk recovered from an unlikely place: the bottom of the ocean
–– In Davey Jones’ sphincter.
70-year-old hunter in France suffers 'serious' injury after bear encounter
–– Par for the ours.
A silent killer is choking India's capital. For millions, there's no choice but to breathe it in
–– Other millions don’t?
Lawmaker reveals trunk full of rice during questioning of oil executives
–– Leaves them boiling.
U.S. President Biden calls for intellectual property protection waivers on COVID-19 vaccines
–– Waiver thin excuses.
Trump called “pigheaded” by conspiracy theorist Alex Jones for role in COVID-19 vaccines
–– Not just description of appearance?
Michael Flynn Goes Full Tinfoil Hat With Bonkers New COVID-19 Theory
–– Has Reynolds Wrap surgically inserted between scalp, skull.
I’m a proud, unvaccinated Trump supporter. Two of my siblings have not spoken to me in a decade. Should I cut them out of my $7 million estate?
–– Is that what complete asshole would do?
Howard Stern says he ‘might have to run’ for president to clean up COVID ‘mess’ caused by anti-vaxxers
–– Sounds like he’s almost delusional enough.
Stephen Sondheim, Titan of the American Musical, Is Dead at 91
–– Everything’s Coming Up Daisies.
Keith Allison of Paul Revere & the Raiders Dead at 79
–– Takes midnight ride.
