Bruise Bannon
Week of 11/12/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Federal grand jury indicts former Trump adviser Steve Bannon for contempt of Congress
–– And acceptable grooming habits.
Peter Navarro is unvaccinated and unrepentant
–– And unforgiveable.
Judge Torches Trump’s Attempt to Claim Jan. 6 Executive Privilege: ‘Presidents Are Not Kings’
–– Adds, ‘though you look like George III with late-stage syphilis.'
Trump 'doesn't have a legal leg to stand on,' former deputy AG says. Is he running out the clock?
–– But he has several necks, including Eric’s.
Jan. 6 panel issues more subpoenas as Trump fights judge’s ruling on executive privilege
–– Demands throne per executive privy.
Biden’s infrastructure bill will bring jobs. He wants the safety net bill to reduce inequities.
–– And catch jumpers who hate those crappy jobs.
Mitch McConnell lauds Biden's infrastructure law as 'a godsend for Kentucky' as Trump attacks him for backing it
–– Interesting coming from hellsend.
Mark Meadows says the 13 House Republicans who backed the $1.2 trillion bipartisan infrastructure bill should 'absolutely' lose their committee assignments
–– Meadows muffin'.
House January 6 committee gives Meadows ultimatum: Appear Friday or risk criminal contempt
–– Meadows: 'Contempt? But I love criminal behavior!'
As criticism of GOP infrastructure bill backers grows louder, McCarthy stays quiet
–– Without hand up back dummy McCarthy doesn’t have much to say.
No, Constitutional Scholars Are Not “50/50” in Agreement With Donald Trump About Jan. 6
–– Just ones with 50% frontal lobotomy.
Joe Manchin objects to another Build Back Better policy: Everything the senator has opposed
–– Words 'Build', 'Back' always irked him.
Trump-Donating Ex-CEO Who Threw A Chair During Capitol Riot Sentenced To Prison
–– Judge threw book back at him.
She helped her husband start a far-right militia group. Now the Oath Keeper’s wife says she has regrets
–– Not feeling her Oaths?
Sen. Lisa Murkowski Running for Reelection Despite Trump Opposition
–– Backed Alaska?
Christie’s calculus: Trump is ‘in the rearview mirror’
–– Filling it almost as much as he would.
Former 'Apprentice' contestant abruptly drops Trump defamation suit
–– Summer Servos not fired…up?
Prices climbed 6.2 percent in October compared with last year, the largest increase in 30 years, as inflation strains economy
–– Can't sheikh high gas prices.
Federal appeals court halts Biden administration’s vaccine requirement, delivering policy a major blow
–– Kind of a right jab.
Kamala Harris's approval rating falls to 28%, a historic low for any modern vice president
–– Prefers to see glass as quarter full.
Jill Biden embraces Kamala Harris after ‘go f–k yourself’ reveal
–– Was that sexual Harrisment?
Cop26 in extra time as leaders warn of the deadly cost of failure
–– Burning the dirty midnight oil.
Fossil fuel companies have over 500 people at COP26, more than any single country, report says
–– Many fossil fools.
Biden expected to hold virtual summit with Chinese President Xi Jinping on Monday
–– Biden avatar will be Pac-Man, Xi’s Winnie the Pooh.
Why Joe Biden’s criticism of Xi Jinping’s COP26 no-show is out of line
–– Yeah, he’s at home brewing up new pandemic.
Gov. Hochul threatens action against Ben & Jerry's over Israel boycott
–– New York super fudged junk.
N.J. man sentenced to 41 months for assaulting officer, stiffest punishment yet in Jan. 6 cases
–– Scott Kevin Fairlamb: 'And I thought I was gonna get like 3 years. I'm so relieved. Trump rules. Let's go, Brandon!'
Videos show Travis Scott’s Astroworld concert continued despite desperate pleas for help from the crowd
–– Why stop when he's killing.
Video shows frantic CPR efforts in midst of deadly Astroworld concert
–– Which Scott assumed was fans 'makin' noise' by beating chests.
'It could have been me': How the tragedy at Astroworld Festival unfolded
–– If I was clueless enough to be Travis Scott fan.
'We were like sardines in a can': Astroworld survivors recount chaos amid filing of more lawsuits
–– ‘But dumber.’
Black Lives Matter activists threaten ‘riots’ if Mayor-elect Eric Adams reinstates NYPD anti-crime units
–– And ‘bloodshed’ which might be, um, against the law.
Mayor-elect Adams vows to rehire plainclothes cops despite BLM leader’s ‘riot’ threat: ‘That was grandstanding’
–– Feeling stop and frisky.
Michael Jackson Once Stopped A Concert To Save A Bug, And It's Making People Reconsider What Happened At The Astroworld Festival
–– An underaged male bedbug.
Judge shouts at Kyle Rittenhouse prosecutor and accuses him of a 'grave constitutional violation' during his cross-examination of the teen
–– Like robe elephant.
Kyle Rittenhouse Trial Judge Asks Jury to Applaud Defense Witness
–– If you're trigger happy and you know it, clap your hands.
Kyle Rittenhouse breaks down during testimony in Kenosha homicide trial, says: ‘I defended myself’
–– Is Rittenhouse square?
They're Saying the Quiet Part Out Loud in the Trial of Ahmaud Arbery's Assailants Down in Georgia
–– We didn't actually here 'defendants are racist, dimwitted murderers' but if you say so…
Attorney claims Al Sharpton is 'intimidating' jury in Ahmaud Arbery case: 'We don't want any more Black pastors'
–– Pastor bucked.
Agent testifies defendant accused in Arbery's killing said he had an 'instinct' the Black jogger had done something wrong
–– Yeah, his Shitey sense.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar’s son, Adam, sentenced for stabbing neighbor
–– 6 months. making it barely techincal foul.
Michigan AG apologizes for getting drunk after 2 Bloody Marys on empty stomach: ‘As it turned out, this was not a brilliant idea’
–– Head pretty empty at time, too.
Barnard professor allegedly drops N-bomb in class
–– With Afro plop.
Customers lament loss of Captain White after 50 years at the Wharf. Owner says it’s ‘not what we wanted.’
–– Closed due to racist patriarchal name?
Trolls accuse amputee model of Photoshopping off her leg for attention
–– Couldn’t she have just Gaussian blurred it?
Nobel laureate and human rights activist Malala Yousafzai gets married
–– Malala la lalalala.
Camilla Parker Bowles can’t stop talking about Joe Biden’s ‘long fart’
–– Not as long as her old one.
Huma Abedin on Anthony Weiner: ‘He ripped my heart out and stomped on it over and over again’
–– Had no sense of Huma.
Britney Spears’ conservatorship finally ends: ‘Britney as of today is a free woman’
–– Free as a bird –– in this case, a loon.
Anchor Brian Williams is leaving MSNBC and NBC News
–– After claiming desk was hit by RPG.
Petition started to keep James Corden out of 'Wicked'
–– Cordened off.
Ivanka Trump puts on a stylish show in a budget-friendly $90 dress
–– Playing both parts in The Princess and the Pea Brain.
See Nicole Kidman as Lucille Ball from 'I Love Lucy'
–– Makes ‘Scary Lucy’ statue seem natural.
Emily Ratajkowski: ‘I had succeeded by commodifying my body. So why was I so unhappy?’
–– Was it price tattooed on bazooms?
’Rust’ chief electrician reportedly sues Alec Baldwin, armorer and assistant director for negligence
–– Goes off half-cocked.
’Squid Game’ Creator Hwang Dong-hyuk Addresses On-Set Firearm Safety in Korea: ‘I Have Never Seen a Real Bullet’
–– 'In any of eight firearms.'
Billionaire heiress Ivy Getty gets married in a gown covered in mirror shards
–– Didn’t reflect well on her.
Juergen Teller's photographs go far beyond provocation
–– Take exit marked ‘Kitsch.’
Sarah Jessica Parker is not here for your 'misogynist' ageism
–– Ask them if she looks old.
Francis Ford Coppola says he was 'depressed' and 'had lost everything' before kids encouraged him to make 'The Outsiders'
–– Wanted audience to feel same.
11 Famous People Who Despised The Movies Made About Their Lives, And 12 Who Said "Pass The Popcorn"
–– First group complained there wasn’t kernel of truth.
Billy Crystal Returns to Broadway in Musical Adaptation of ‘Mr. Saturday Night’
–– Vanilla schmaltz shake.
Paul Rudd named 2021's Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine, says wife was 'stupefied'
–– ‘But you’re a straight, white male!’
Jennifer Aniston Says What We're All Thinking After Paul Rudd's Sexiest Man Alive Win
–– 'Crudd!'
Jennifer Garner Replaces Julia Roberts in Apple's 'The Last Thing He Told Me'
–– So production can save slightly on teeth whitener.
Volleyball that kept Tom Hanks company in Cast Away sold for £230,000
–– Wilson pick it.
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson Explains Why He Pees In His Water Bottles
–– Before passing to trainer.
Hollywood actor Christopher Walken paints over genuine Banksy in BBC drama
–– Can't help but improve it.
Comedian Andy Dick Arrested for Hitting Boyfriend With Liquor Bottle
–– Pleads the fifth.
Joe Rogan says could perform oral sex on himself 'if I wanted to'
–– Blow hard.
Miranda Lambert's Husband Brendan McLoughlin Celebrates Her Birthday with Tribute and 'Some Bday Bacon!'
–– As he refers to his hog.
Remembering Alex Trebek: What ‘Jeopardy’ Lost When It Lost Its Host
–– Its host?
30 Identical Actor Siblings Who Shared A Role, And 15 Actors Who Played Their Own Twin
–– God, we hate math.
Busker Rewarded With Instant Karma After Giving Homeless Man Money For Food
–– Returned Lennon single because she already had.
I caught my best friend cheating with my husband on a hidden camera
–– How they balanced on it, I’ll never know.
I’ve lived full-time in my van for years. Here are the 10 worst parts that no one talks about enough.
–– 1. I'm living in an effin' van!
McDonald’s customer baffles TikTok with ‘brilliant’ money-saving breakfast hack: ‘You’re getting ripped off’
–– You could baffle TikTok with cat teaser.
This newspaper is cutting back on print and training readers to use iPads instead. Will it work?
–– Soon it will be teaching them to read.
Concussions can be diagnosed through a saliva test, British researchers find
–– If they pronounce it 'silver tits.'
British troops deployed to Polish border as tensions with Russia rise
–– Government proposes Poxit from EU to keep out all foreigners.
The Migrants Who Paid $3,600 To End Up Trapped on the Freezing Edge of Europe
–– Told they were going to Fyre Festival.
Iraq steps up in the Belarus crisis
–– To knee someone in balls.
UN nuclear watchdog says still no communication with Iran's new government
–– Is asked to growl in complete sentences.
Ray species believed to be extinct discovered in Iran
–– Experts unsure how they migrated from Tampa Bay.
Iranian general says Israel is 'doomed to disappear'
–– ‘If I close my eyes tight and wish it away.’
U.S. won't reopen Afghan embassy, Qatar agrees to provide services to Americans in region
–– Will be rolling in the Doha.
Ps call on Liz Truss to intervene and stop Saudi Arabia executing academic for ‘contents of his library’
–– Should be cinch.
Mother of Canadian girl freed from ISIS detention camp in Syria heading to Canada soon
–– After she beheading to Raqqa.
Hindu worshippers brave toxic white foam to bathe in India's sacred but polluted river
–– Saris have never been cleaner.
Ship-load of 'toxic' Chinese fertilizer causes diplomatic stin
–– Not shit-load?
Four Americans hurt in gunfire at Cancun’s Hyatt Ziva Riviera resort
–– Hot lead treatment at spa.
Tourists having sex in the dunes is ruining a Spanish beach
–– For some people.
One of the World’s Poorest Countries Found a Better Way to Do Stimulus
–– US should order Togo.
GE is splitting into three companies
–– G-E-E!
Johnson & Johnson Is Becoming Two Companies. What Happens to My Stock?
–– And how can we tell two companies named Johnson Apart?
This mineral shouldn't exist on Earth's surface. But researchers found it inside a diamond.
–– Which was on surface?
‘Super rare’: Antarctic penguin washes up in New Zealand, 3,000km from home
–– ‘And like, not too bright.’
1,000-year-old bones show ancient Canadians fished sustainablly
–– Was easier before almost anything.
Plenty of fish in the ocean? Not so around China, says study warning of seafood collapse
–– Creatures are just exhausted from trying to elude nets.
Venomous sharks found in London's Thames river
–– Hoping to audition for next Bond film.
World's most venomous spider found in store-bought bananas
–– With fruit bowl on head.
Climate Change Is Transforming the Bodies of Amazonian Birds
–– They are getting ripped!
Sound the alarm: bees ‘scream’ when murder hornets attack, study finds
–– Especially drama Queens.
Pet Cats Are Spreading a Brain Parasite to Wildlife, New Research Suggests
–– To owners, too.
Intestinal parasites burrowed into man’s brain—and lived there for years
–– That’s gotta smart.
Archaeologists unearth 'slaves' room' at Pompeii
–– Approximately twice the size of average studio rental in NYC.
Archaeologists unearth mass grave ‘in a small space’ in ancient Peruvian city
–– When folks were size of Lima beans.
CDC shifts pandemic goals away from reaching herd immunity
–– Have you herd?
Covid cases are surging in Europe. America is in denial about what lies in store for it
–– Funny, America usually believes lies in stores.
NFL fines Green Bay Packers, QB Aaron Rodgers and receiver Allen Lazard for not following Covid-19 protocols
–– Literal cheeseheads.
The U.S. is finally reopening its land border to Canadians — but Canada’s rules are likely to deter many
–– You have to be polite.
In Romania, Hard-Hit by Covid, Doctors Fight Vaccine Refusal
–– Dracula doing PSAs.
Ted Cruz says Big Bird getting COVID-19 vaccine is ‘government propaganda’
–– Wonders aloud if color means he’s Chinese agent.
Tech mogul who joined William Shatner in space on Blue Origin dies in air crash
–– Boldly goes where every man has gone before.
Gavan O'Herlihy, the Missing Big Brother on 'Happy Days,' Dies at 70
–– Really missing.
Dean Stockwell, Actor Known for ‘Quantum Leap,’ ‘Blue Velvet’ and ‘Married to the Mob,’ Dies at 85
–– Takes quantum leap.
