Dollarperloser
Week of 11/19/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Passed in House, climate change measures in Build Back Better face uncertain future in Senate
–– Where heads never rise above C-level.
Trump endorses Gosar one day after House censure
–– Gosar, my God, to thee.
What's in the House-passed Build Back Better bill: Paid leave, universal pre-K and more
–– Free Glute Blaster for every American over the age of 21.
Biden’s Build Back Better bill would add to national debt, congressional estimate says
–– But includes $2 bil for parts, service on money printing machines.
Sen. Kyrsten Sinema says 'no one tells me what to do' on Biden spending negotiations and argues she's 'very straightforward' about her positions
–– Does credit a 'Ms. Hyde' with some of her best ideas.
GOP leader McCarthy spoke for more than 8 hours to delay passage of spending bill
–– Made 8 minutes of sense.
Biden deemed 'fit to successfully execute the duties of the president' after first physical in office
–– ‘In consideration of how low the office’s previous occupant set bar.’
Jury finds Kyle Rittenhouse not guilty of all charges in high-profile murder trial
–– Upped the vigilante.
Kyle Rittenhouse's not guilty verdict has dangerous legal implications
–– Unless you’re fan of Death Wish.
Biden says 'we have to abide' by Rittenhouse verdict
–– Can’t storm courthouse in shaman gear, defecate on bench?
Ex-New York Times reporter claims paper held report on Kenosha arson, looting until after 2020 election
–– Something not Kenosher about that.
Ava DuVernay, Questlove, George Takei, and More React to Kyle Rittenhouse Verdict
–– But who else would you possibly want to hear from?
Gosar defends anime Ocasio-Cortez video to GOP
–– Yucky-Oh!
Republican politicians praise Rittenhouse verdict: 'I'm going to arm wrestle Matt Gaetz to get dibs for Kyle as an intern'
–– Gosar also wants to ‘nude Greco-Roman wrestle Trump’ for same privilege.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez mocks the 'stunning diversity' of the GOP: 'Look at all of those different-colored ties'
–– Really sticks out her neck.
Kevin McCarthy said in an hours-long floor speech that no one elected Biden to be FDR, prompting AOC to shout 'I did!'
–– FDR drive.
Biden says Taiwan's independence is up to Taiwan after discussing matter with Xi
–– First had to tie one on.
UN demands investigation into whereabouts of missing tennis star Peng Shuai
–– Wants court apperance.
The suspicious disappearance of tennis star Peng Shuai is straight out of China's playbook for forcing rogue celebrities into submission
–– Which dictates overhead smash.
Enes Kanter takes direct shot at 'money over morals' LeBron James in stand vs. Nike, China
–– James claims Peng Shuai is ‘that thing about where you put furniture in a room that our interior decorator is always going on about.’
Monkey-brain study with link to China's military roils top European university
–– While providing insights into President Xi's thinking.
U.S. senators move to block $650 million arms sale to Saudi Arabia
–– Especially bone saws.
Trump’s ire grows as DeSantis' popularity with Republicans takes off
–– Like the Hindenburg.
Florida becomes first state to impose fines on businesses and hospitals that require the COVID-19 vaccine
–– Well, you can see why they love DeSantis.
Steve Bannon turns himself in on contempt of Congress charges.
–– Long arm of the law refuses to physically touch him.
Trump says Republicans could've kept the White House if Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy had 'fought harder'
–– Envisioning suicide vest last stand atop Capitol dome.
‘QAnon shaman’ sentenced to 41 months for role in Capitol riot
–– Buffaloed by judge.
Kimberly Guilfoyle claimed in texts that she raised $3 million for Trump's Jan. 6 'Stop the Steal' rally, according to a new report
–– Mind like steal trap.
Eric Trump told Chris Christie on election night that Trump had evidence of mass voter fraud: book
–– Then related rest of dream which involved bagging Tony the Tiger.
Barack Obama's 'Excruciating' 2011 Roast of Donald Trump Left Him Furious, Chris Christie Says
–– Gagged on his meal.
Rudy Giuliani's melting-hair-dye "freak show" made even Donald Trump flinch
–– This from the Human Cheeto.
At least 10 Republicans who were at the rally that preceded the Capitol riot won elections earlier this month. 2 political experts explain how and why.
–– Morons voted. Morons vote.
Top Senate GOP negotiator credits Trump for advancing infrastructure, who repeatedly sunk it and threatened to primary Republicans who backed it
–– Builds suspension of disbelief.
Sen. Rick Scott: GOP donors furious over infrastructure Republicans
–– Stroke-triggering mad one can hope.
Lauren Boebert rages against 'Jihad Squad' member Ilhan Omar and slams Eric Swalwell for sleeping with 'Fang Fang, a Chinese spy' during Gosar video censure: Omar hits back and calls her husband a 'pervert'
–– Brings down House.
‘Cruel, False And Bigoted’: Lauren Boebert Ripped On-Air By Local TV Anchor
–– Boobert.
Rep. Omar slams colleague Boebert as ‘insurrectionist who sleeps with a pervert’
–– Omar oops.
Republican National Committee head Ronna McDaniel admits Biden beat Trump for the first time: 'Yeah, he's the president. It sucks'
–– She calls Trump ‘It’ now?
Trump is selling his DC hotel for $375 million and the buyer plans to remove the Trump name, report says
–– Replace with something more inviting like Shithole.
Trump’s First Post-Presidency Book Will, Fittingly, Require Little Reading and Cost Way Too Much
–– But will come wrapped around stick of gum.
Judge temporarily blocks New York Times from publishing Project Veritas materials
–– In veto Veritas.
Biden’s reliance on I.R.S. enforcement to pay for $1.85 trillion bill hits a snag.
–– In latest slang for reality.
White House: Kamala Harris is a ‘bold leader’ and ‘vital partner’ to President Biden, after report of ‘exasperation and dysfunction’ in the vice president’s office
–– Damning with feigned praise.
Biden has resumed his duties after briefly transferring power to Harris
–- So she could boldly, vitally lead nation while he got colonoscopy.
Kamala Harris' aides pass around an Onion article mocking the VP when they get 'annoyed' with the White House's treatment of her, report says
–– Onion makes them cry.
Kamala Harris is almost skipped, and 5 other notable moments from today's infrastructure bill signing
–– Nearly hopped, jumped.
Biden Nominee, Who Was Born in Soviet Kazakhstan, Defends Herself at Senate Hearing: 'I'm Not a Communist'
–– Reds care.
Alex Jones Liable by Default in All Sandy Hook Defamation Suits
–– Wriggling whale on sandy hook.
Beto O’Rourke Announces Run for Texas Governor, Testing Democrats’ Strength
–– Especially trunk muscles used in belly laughs.
Interior secretary seeks to rid US of derogatory place names
–– What’s she squawking about?
Republicans Gain Heavy House Edge in 2022 as Gerrymandered Maps Emerge
–– Looking like Mitch McConnell's varicose veins.
Thomas Jefferson Statue Evicted From City Hall Will Go to a Museum
–– Where it can’t offend officials elected to government he created.
NYC Mayor-elect Eric Adams appears to bring Colbert bag of marijuana on ‘Late Show’
–– And tries to bust him when he says he found it in desk.
Brass Against Onstage Urination Incident Leads to Police Report as More Details Emerge
–– Leak out, really.
Brass Against Singer Apologizes for Peeing on Fan’s Face as NASCAR Permanently Bans Band From Its Venues
–– Will change name from Urista to Urinstar.
Will Smith says he and director Michael Bay had '1 of our biggest disputes' over whether or not the actor should be shirtless in 'Bad Boys'
–– Director pushed buttons.
Will Smith Tried and Failed to Do More Hours of Press Than Tom Cruise: He’s Like a ‘Cyborg’
–– But 'less human.'
Dwayne Johnson Reveals How 'Red Notice' Costars Ryan Reynolds and Gal Gadot Lifted His Spirits After Dad's Death
–– Waved copy of $20 mil check in front of face.
James Gandolfini once stood up for a 'Sopranos' actor who was uncomfortable being nude in a scene, according to a new book
–– After sitting on his lap.
'Sexist' Benny Hill is back on TV for first time in nearly 20 years
–– Yakety sex.
Heidi Klum, 48, Flashes Her Super Sculpted Butt In A New Topless Instagram Photo
–– Klum's large.
Britney Spears Says She Celebrated 'Freedom' from Conservatorship with 'First Glass of Champagne'
–– Of thirty.
Britney Spears Is Free, But the Legal Fight Isn’t Over
–– Because people actually click on this shit rather than anything meaningful to their lives.
Kristen Stewart Literally Swooned Over Robert Pattinson While Reminiscing About Their First ‘Twilight’ Makeout
–– And awoke gay.
Actor Stacy Keach's six-month prison stint cured his cocaine addiction
–– But got him hooked on pruno.
Paul Rudd's super nice clapback at New York Post for claiming he didn't deserve 'Sexiest Man Alive' title
–– Post hates.
‘I Kinda Made It More Personal’: Chris Tucker Says ‘Friday’ Influence on Weed Culture Triggered His Exit it from the Franchise
–– Tuckered out.
‘House of Gucci’: Jared Leto’s transformation so stunning Al Pacino didn’t recognize him on set
–– Pacino’s 81, he barely recognizes self in Serpico poster.
Lady Gaga Tells Off Photographer Who Asks Al Pacino to Remove His Sunglasses on Red Carpet
–– Throws shade.
Jane Campion Will Never Direct a Superhero Movie: ‘I Hate Them’
–– And Kevin Feige was thisclose to hiring.
Tom Holland says the first time he met Willem Dafoe on the set of 'Spider-Man: No Way Home' he had no idea who he bumped into because the actor was wearing a cloak for secrecy
–– And thought he was playing Invisible Man.
Tom Holland ran 10 miles a day while wearing a trash bag to lose weight, but a trainer says it just caused him to lose water
–– He was peeing in bag?
Hollywood is so desperate to redeem Mel Gibson that it'll throw him Lethal Weapon 5
–– Riggs selection.
‘Boy Meets World’ actress Maitland Ward says Will Friedle is ‘supportive’ of her porn career but ‘won’t watch’
–– Just listens while jerking off.
Meghan Markle Reveals Her Laidback Thanksgiving Plans with Prince Harry, Archie and Lili
–– Will ingest trytophan in pill form.
Why Dean Martin refused to attend JFK's 1961 inauguration
–– It was BYOB.
Bill Gates chooses Wyoming coal town for his sodium-based nuclear reactor
–– Not Salt Lake City?
Ex-Apple Genius Bar worker shares little-known iPhone tricks
–– Shouldn’t that legally be ‘Genius’?
Thanksgiving dinner will cost Americans 14% more this year, survey finds
–– Waists to expand 12% more.
McDonald’s is returning the Egg McMuffin to its original price
–– Barf bags will be $5 each.
Where to Dine for Hanukkah in Las Vegas
–– Latke Vegas Hilton?
Internal Slacks Show HelloFresh Is Controlling Talk of Unionization
–– For slackers?
How the Cheesecake Factory's Pandemic Pivot Paid Off
–– Didn’t get creamed.
Almost 50% of Victoria's Secret holiday products stuck offshore as Black Friday approaches
–– So it’s bra or panties, ladies.
The 'Great Resignation' could end if labor dropouts return to work
–– And you got off your lazy ass.
This toy allows your dog to 'call' you
–– And command you roll over, play dead.
Crooks swindle investors out of more than $12B in ‘DeFi’ scams
–- ‘DeFi’ expectations.
Portland among US cities adding funds to police departments
–– Crime didn't pay.
Drug overdose deaths top 100,000 annually for the first time, driven by fentanyl, CDC data show
–– Hard to swallow.
6 Teens Shot at Park in Aurora, Police Say
–– For old times sake.
Search turns up 67 weapons, 190 catalytic converters in Rogersville, feds say
–– Suspect wanted to ‘clear the air.’
U.S. to hold historic oil and gas lease sale days after COP26
–– Selling green piece.
NHL touts ‘greener rinks’ while promoting powerful pollutants, advocates say
–– Will add dye to frozen water.
US National Parks to test green park transportation
–– Hummers painted with lime lead paint.
How climate change and extreme weather are crimping America’s pie supply
–– And Earth's crust.
Protesters disrupt the world’s largest coal port: ‘This is us responding to the climate crisis’
–– ‘And, like, creating coolest livestream.’
Astronauts take shelter as debris passes dangerously close to space station
–– Appreciated Gravity of situation.
Earliest Evidence of Mercury Poisoning in Humans Found in 5,000-Year-Old Bones
–– With wings on ankles.
‘Megaspider’ is biggest of its kind we've ever seen, Australian reptile park says
–– More impressed if Arachnid Park claimed that.
A roadrunner hitched a nearly 3,000-mile ride from Vegas to Maine. Bird experts are trying to send it back.
–– Specifically a Dr. Wile E. Coyote.
What really happened after Alexander the Great died?
–– 2344 years of history?
Plagues Strike Egypt: Sudden Floods, Then 4-Inch Scorpions Called Deathstalkers
–– Life isn't Pharoah.
As a sea of lava destroys livelihoods on La Palma, it also offers a lifeline
–– To burn units.
Baby girl found in drain in Mumbai discharged from hospital
–– Before or after drain?
Must This Swab Go That Far Up Your Nose to Test for Covid?
–– Same question coke snorters ask.
Fauci overwhelmed by calls after journal published mistake over beagle experiments
–– Bitched up.
Trump called Chris Christie when they were both hospitalized with COVID-19 to make sure he wouldn't be blamed for the infection, book says
–– And forget about ‘intimate contact.’
Chris Christie Says Melania Trump Checked In On Him Every Day He Was Hospitalized With COVID-19
–– Asking, ‘You von’t blame The Donald vill you, you big delicious vat of obara you?’
Terence Wilson, Key Part of Reggae Band UB40, Dies at 64
–– Dead, dead whine.
