Yellow Woes of Texas
Week of 10/15/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Greg Abbott's Vaccine Mandate Ban Comes as Texas Leads U.S. in Daily COVID Deaths
–– Wants to lead world.
William Shatner goes to space on Blue Origin mission
–– Shoved a Kirk in it.
Justice Department will ask Supreme Court to block Texas abortion law while legal fights play out
–– That'll be big Kavano!
Republican Governors Now Racing Each Other to Ban COVID Vaccine Mandates
–– Death Race 2021.
Moms for Liberty has turned ‘parental rights’ into a rallying cry for conservative parents
–– Cracked Liberty belles.
Rising Rents Are Fueling Inflation, Posing Trouble for the Fed
–– Fed Board simply can't Vogue.
Explaining the sharp jump in gas prices—and why you should get used to shelling out an extra $600 per year
–– At Shell stations?
The late show, with Joe Biden: The president on average is more than 20 minutes tardy for his events
–– Trump 20 years late on all issues.
Biden to meet with Pope Francis to discuss coronavirus, climate change, caring for poor
–– To get something down on papal.
Police officer attacked by woman carrying a baseball bat near US Capitol
–– Pinch hater.
Texas school administrator told teachers to include Holocaust books with 'opposing' views when explaining new state law
–– Looking for age-appropriate version of Mein Kampf.
Jim Acosta to Andrew Yang: What the Hell Were You Doing on ‘Tucker Carlson’?
–– ‘You were practically in him.’
Inside Blue Origin: Employees say toxic, dysfunctional ‘bro culture’ led to mistrust, low morale and delays at Jeff Bezos’s space venture
–– And dick-shaped rocket.
William Shatner is now the oldest person ever to go to space: 'The most profound experience'
–– Oldly goes where no alter cocker has gone before.
Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk are among the 156 billionaires on the Forbes 400 who have given less than 1% of their wealth to charity
–– You don't need write-off when you don't pay taxes.
A look at billionaire Bill Gates’ multiple lavish horse properties
–– Right out of the Gates.
4.3 Million Workers Are Missing. Where Did They Go?
–– Check in front of TV mid-afternoon.
Addison Rae Jokes It's 'Time to Get a Job' After Her TikTok Gets Temporarily Banned
–– You and 4.3 million other ‘influencers.’
Close to 40% of U.S. Households Say They Face Financial Difficulties as Covid-19 Pandemic Continues
–– Said they feared they might have to get job.
Really embarrassing': GOP erupts into swing state civil war
–– Boogie woogie bungle boys.
‘It’s irrelevant': Stacey Abrams brushes aside Trump mockingly endorsing her in order to needle Georgia GOP Gov. Brian Kemp
–– And you know how anti-vaxxers hate needles.
Columbus monuments are coming down, but he’s still honored in 6,000 places across the U.S. Here’s where.
–– Includes all Columbus Day mattress, auto sale displays?
Counties with more Confederate monuments also had more lynchings, study finds
–– Couldn’t educated guess have saved time, money?
Ted Cruz says bitcoin will stabilize Texas electric grid—here’s why he’s wrong
–– He wants to stack them under leaning transmission towers.
Trump Shares His Thoughts On Golden Showers In Bonkers Off-Script Moment
–– Unless he’s spigot.
Then-Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin intervened to block Ivanka Trump's appointment to the World Bank: report
–– Nixed no-limit World Bank credit card.
Almost a Year Since Trump Was Soundly Defeated, Republican Leader Still Won’t Admit the Truth
–– That they are biggest dupes in U.S. History.
Donald Trump signals at Iowa rally that he intends to run in 2024, teases that his campaign slogan will be 'Make America Great Again, Again'
–– Repeat offender.
A 'source' Rudy Giuliani and Sidney Powell cited in 'antifa' vote-rigging claim said he was working with election officials to gain 'access' to Dominion machines
–– How many quote marks can one headline legally sustain?
We Are Republicans. There’s Only One Way to Save Our Party From Pro-Trump Extremists.
–– Ever see Julius Caesar?
Trump lost weight out of office because he no longer has access to the 24-hour White House kitchen, former aide says
–– And can no longer afford McDonald’s?
Trump adviser Fiona Hill reveals sexist nickname given to her by officials
–– Is her complaint Russian bitch?
Movin’ on out: De Blasio booting Founding Father Jefferson from City Hall
–– Mutt and Jeff.
Adams Commits to Keeping Gifted and Talented, but Leaves Details Unclear
–– Two thing neither he nor De Blasio appear to be.
Halloween Kills: Kyle Richards Broke Her Nose During Michael Myers Fight Scene
–– Making her very first Real Housewife to ever had work done on nose.
Nicole Holofcener: ‘Actors over 50 have distorted their faces so badly’
–– Thank God for CGI smiles.
Melinda Gates Smiles While Spending Time with Daughter Jennifer in N.Y.C. Ahead of Wedding Weekend
–– First this decade.
Paul McCartney sets the record straight on who really broke up the Beatles
–– ‘You wouldn’t think it, but Jackie Mason really made us laugh.’
Paul McCartney says the Rolling Stones are 'a blues cover band'
–– Whoa, quite the jam shot.
Rolling Stones phase out popular hit 'Brown Sugar'
–– Substitute with 'A Taste of Honey.'
Hallmark Releases a Shocking Statement About Lori Loughlin's Return to 'When Calls the Heart'
–– Atrial fabrication.
Cuffe Biden Owens, President Biden's nephew, marries former 'Real Housewives' star Meghan O'Toole King
–– Off the Cuffe.
Tom Bergeron Gets Brutally Honest About Getting Fired From 'Dancing With the Stars'
–– Doesn't tap dance around it?
'Judge Judy' bailiff says he wasn't invited to be a part of her new show
–– Decision beyond bailiff.
‘NCIS’ Says Goodbye to Mark Harmon After 18 Years
–– No Harmon, no foul.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says revenge prank with huge marijuana cigar on 'Twins' costar Danny DeVito failed
–– Role's his own.
‘She Deserves Way More’: Taraji P Henson Breaks Down the Math Behind Her ‘The Curious Case of Benjamin Button’ Salary After Revealing Her Co-stars Made Millions
–– It’s high time for reckoning on supporting actor salaries from 2008.
Mary J. Blige Quixotically Raises Price on Neglected New Jersey Property
–– Tilting at windfalls.
Jodie Comer Says ‘The Last Duel’ Gives Women a Voice By Holding ‘Mirror Up to Society’
–– In late 1300s, but still…
Cary Fukunaga Accused of Pressuring ‘True Detective’ Actress to Go Topless
–– In role of nuclear physicist! Oh, no, as stripper.
Jonah Hill shares that he’s uncomfortable with all comments about his body: ‘Good or bad I want to politely let you know it’s not helpful’
–– ‘Just stare longingly in silence at my selfies.’
Watch Howie Mandel Explain How "Consensual Diarrhea" Led to His Starbucks Hospitalization
–– Lotta ventin'.
‘It comes from bacteria, and goes back to bacteria’: the future of plastic alternatives
–– ‘It’s called Mandel wrap.’
’The Boys' Cast Discussed Chace Crawford's 'Traumatizing' NSFW Prosthetic
–– Needed to get off chest?
Porn star Emily Willis sues competitors over alleged dog-sex tweets
–– Denies mutt plug.
Balmain’s Olivier Rousteing on Secret Hospitalization, Recovery After Tragic Accident: “I’ve Been Hiding This Too Long”
–– We were just pondering fate of Balmain’s Olivier Rousteing.
Jamie Costa's Robin Williams impersonation leaves fans clamoring for a whole film
–– Mawkish and Mindy.
Britney Spears slams 'consultations for body improvements' in topless photo post: 'Rather fall off a cliff'
–– That’s a lot of verbiage to get us to click for boob shot, Fox News.
Superman Comes Out as Bisexual in DC Comics’ Latest
–– Batman: 'Duh!'
Cincinnati Bengals kicker Evan McPherson celebrates game-winning overtime kick. But he actually missed
–– Holds rally, insists points were stolen.
Jon Gruden emails, explained: Raiders coach resigns following release of damning messages
–– Explanation: utter moron.
Jon Gruden removed from Tampa Bay Buccaneers' Ring of Honor following resignation
–– Trying to remove ring he left in locker room tub.
FIFA president floats Israel as possible World Cup 2030 co-hosts
–– Goal to avoid contoversy.
A missed turn may have cost Marcel Hug $50,000 in the men’s wheelchair race.
–– Aw, gee, give him a hug.
Exclusive: Family Of Jermaine Foster, Suspect In Death Of Nurse Maria Ambrocio, Speaks Out; ‘It’s So Heartbreaking’
–– Aw, gee, give the poor relatives of the accidental murderer a hug.
He was high on magic mushrooms when he killed his father. Can he use ‘extreme intoxication’ as a defense?
–– Where’d that sprout up?
Bolshoi Theatre performer killed in accident on stage during opera
–– Was curtains.
Norway bow-and-arrow attack that killed five people appears to be ‘terrorist act,’ police say
–– Populace aquiver.
Robert Durst Sentenced to Life in Prison for Friend’s Murder
–– Hits pay Durst.
Who Killed Hogan's Hero?
–– A colonel of truth? No corporal punishment?
Cops Tell Biker Gangs to Wear Makeup as Harsh New Laws Ban Face Tattoos
–– Lipstick, mascara.
Man Gets Double Life Sentence For Killing His Wife With a Cobra
–– Didn’t asp for death penalty?
Frustrated Tenants Hold Mock Anniversary For Upper West Side Building’s 15-Year-Old Scaffolding
–– Holding up their end.
Same-sex marriage isn't a bar to the Dutch throne, Prime Minister says
–– Time on ‘Dutch throne’ in same-sex bar may be.
Tory MP David Amess is murdered: Tragedy as married father-of-five, 69, is stabbed to death by knifeman who stormed into his constituency surgery in Southend Methodist church in front of horrified onlookers as armed police arrest suspect, 25, at scene
–– Took about Amess.
Queen Elizabeth uses walking stick to attend service at Westminster Abbey
–– And to fend off Prince Andrew.
No More Martinis: The Queen Advised to Give Up Her Favorite Drink
–– Back to Malt Liqour thriugh straw.
Katie Couric says Prince Harry had cigarettes and alcohol oozing from 'every pore' before he met Meghan Markle
–– Always was pore excuse for royal.
Navy nuclear engineer and his wife charged with trying to share submarine secrets with a foreign country
–– Finally surfaced.
$80M superyacht concept has a 'gaping hole'
–– Ass who would buy it.
Banksy tried to destroy his art after it sold for $1.4 million. The shredded version just went for $25.4 million.
–– Will next shit on it to up price.
Poland criticised over stranded migrants after seventh death at border
–– Won't touch with 6-ft. Pole.
Austria’s Kurz was the golden boy for Europe’s conservatives. Then came scandal.
–– Kurz: his fate.
ISIS finance chief captured by Iraqi forces, Iraq PM says
–– Need help hiding bribes on books.
Nigeria’s Prince Kunle says he 'freaked out' when he first saw people kissing in public when visiting the US and UK
–– And not his ass.
Ghost Robotics now makes a lethal robot dog
–– In case you were running low on nightmares.
See where these astronauts are simulating Mars expedition
–– Pluto!
World's largest Byzantine wine factory uncovered in Israel
–– With bottles of Byzzy Bitch still unopened.
Plant-eating lizards on the cusp of tooth evolution
–– Sick of salad, crave meat.
A 'living fossil' alligator gar is found for the first time in a Kansas river
–– So-called Gatgar.
Nearly 90 rattlesnakes found underneath California home: A 'total snakemare'
–– Whoever came up with ‘snakemare' should be sent under there to retrieve.
Was Our Universe Created in a Laboratory?
–– Wait, we’re not high enough to read this.
NASA’s Lucy mission will spend 12 years examining Jupiter asteroids with clues to solar system
–– Will send Charley Brown mission to explore asteroid not there.
A meteorite crashes through a home in Canada, barely missing a woman's head
–– She later grew second one.
An upcoming climate summit is supposed to save the planet. But pessimism is building.
–– See level change?
Coal is 'king' as gas prices soar, Total CEO says — and it's backfiring on cleaner energy goals
–– Old King Coal is a sorry old mole.
Antarctica’s last 6 months were the coldest on record
–– Just to mess with your head.
Planet circling a burned-out star offers a glimpse at the solar system's fate
–– In case you were getting comfortable.
Why So Many Products on Grocery Store Shelves Claim They Help Your Immune System
–– Sounds catchy?
Walgreens closing stores over shoplifting fears
–– To discontinue ‘five-finger discount’ program.
TSA says 40% of employees are unvaccinated as deadline looms
–– Spokesperson: ‘Why? Search me.’
Opinion: Of course unvaccinated people should be barred from receiving transplant organs
–– Unless it’s new brain.
Should you mix and match COVID-19 vaccines? Experts weigh in.
–– Only with beer chaser.
Is a 'twindemic' of flu and COVID-19 about to hit the U.S.?
–– We hope so because it’s getting harder and harder to scare readers.
Bereaved relatives of Covid victims slam Boris Johnson after UK Prime Minister pictured painting on vacation
–– He was painting portrait of SARS-CoV-2.
Wanted temporarily in post-Brexit Britain: 800 foreign butchers to slaughter some 120,000 pigs
–– To cleaver by half.
Port delays: 'We've run out of Harry Potter stock'
–– No muggled goods?
Gary Paulsen, who wrote the beloved young-adult novel ‘Hatchet,’ dies at 82
–– Buried Hatchet.
