Dishonorable Manchin
Week of 10/01/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Progressive Democrats celebrate delaying the vote on the infrastructure bill.
–– Feel failure finally within grasp.
The New Anti-comedy of Jon Stewart
–– Stewart little.
Progressives AOC, Bush unload on moderate Manchin over infrastructure bills
–– With Left hook.
Splintered Democrats delay vote over $1 trillion infrastructure plan backed by Biden
–– From sitting on wooden benches too long?
Biden signs government funding bill hours before midnight deadline to avert shutdown
–– In lamest cliffhanger since Indiana Jones 4.
Joe Manchin ambushed on his yacht by activists demanding he back infrastructure bill
–– Told him to jump off bridge.
A key measure of inflation surged to a new 30-year high
–– Ballooned.
DeJoy’s USPS slowdown plan will delay the mail. What’s it mean for your Zip code?
–– Zip?
Alito says recent Supreme Court decisions aren't the work of 'a dangerous cabal'
–– Cabal cutting.
Alito defends letting Texas abortion law take effect, says Supreme Court critics want to intimidate justices
–– Sam the sham.
Texas Gov. Won't Budge On Abortion Exceptions As Chris Wallace Grills Him On 15,000 Rapes
–– Brakes on wheelchair.
A federal judge presses Texas on ‘very unusual’ abortion ban that uses citizen enforcement of its restrictive state law
–– 'Bortion fink.
Americans way off on number of Latinos they think are undocumented, poll finds
–– It’s mere 8 million.
Alex Jones must pay damages to Sandy Hook families after calling shooting a ‘giant hoax,’ judge rules
–– Jones clown massacre.
New book ‘Peril’: Even before Jan. 6, ‘the risk became real’ thanks to Josh Hawley
–– Til then just joshing.
January 6 rioter who said she looked for Pelosi 'to shoot her in the friggin' brain' pleads guilty to misdemeanor for illegally protesting
–– Displaying open mind.
Rudy Giuliani admits under oath that he got some of his 'evidence' of alleged election fraud from Facebook
–– Rest from Pillow Guy during coke binge.
Former White House Spokeswoman Says Trump Once Told Her His Genitals Weren't Strangely Shaped
–– Brain clearly is.
Donald Trump Reportedly Had Eyes for More Than Wife Melania Trump in the White House
–– Dog of philanders.
Melania Trump Was Nicknamed 'Rapunzel' by Secret Service for Rarely Leaving White House Residence, Book Claims
–– But she never let down her hair.
Trump’s failed attempt to enforce Omarosa's NDA in court may unleash a new wave of embarrassing disclosures, the lawyer who beat him said
–– Was ‘disclose’ from getting away with it.
Trump says he has 'a mouth that tells the truth' while making false statements at Georgia rally
–– It’s ironically full of shit.
Trump reportedly hid a colonoscopy to avoid being 'the butt' of late-night jokes. Late night hosts belatedly deliver.
–– And to conceal location of Stephen Miller.
Trump endorsed a candidate for Arizona governor right after she called for him to to be added to Mount Rushmore
–– As cracked boulder.
Trump Says Only Hurdle To 2024 Run Would Be A 'Bad Call From A Doctor'
–– Not a psychiatrist.
The former Fox News editor who called Arizona for Biden says the Cyber Ninjas audit was meant to undermine trust in elections
–– Cyber ninnies.
Once-homeless former bartender to challenge AOC
–– Knows what's shaking on street.
Justice Department agrees to drop release restrictions for Reagan shooter John Hinckley Jr.
-– Feels he deserves another shot.
The Missing Yazidis Women And Children Must Be Located And Rescued
–– Kurds on way?
Barbers in Afghanistan's Helmand Province are now prohibited from shaving beards and playing music
–– Except Almost Cut My Hair.
Fire officials are investigating a 'suspicious' blaze at the historic Susan B. Anthony House
–– Structure suffragettes damage.
Watch the Rolling Stones Open ‘No Filter’ Tour With Moving Charlie Watts Tribute
–– Watts' sap.
Mick Jagger goes unnoticed at a small North Carolina bar: 'Regular, old bloke'
–– Stones cold shoulder.
Cardi B Denies Rumors That She Got a Post-Baby Tummy Tuck: 'I Like to Be Real with You Guys'
–– Cardi yack kids.
See Machine Gun Kelly Get Relentlessly Booed at Metal-Leaning Louder Than Life Fest
–– Rapid-fire.
Rick Astley ‘Completely Blown Away’ by ‘Ted Lasso’ Rick Roll: ‘Just Amazing’
–– 'That absolutely anybody remembers meme. Er, me.'
Lori Loughlin Sets Acting Return in ‘When Hope Calls’ at GAC Family
–– Her ‘gaak!’ family proud.
‘Jagged Little Pill’ Star Lauren Patten’s Tony Award Win Ignites Outrage
–– Pattented response.
See who won at the Tony Awards
–– We're talking to immediate family members who probably don't even care.
'No Time to Die' review: Audiences may think Daniel Craig has the best James Bond exit ever
–– Yeah, IF they forget A View to a Kill.
From Jamaica with Love: how Ian Fleming’s Caribbean love affair brought Bond back to the island
–– Goldeneyed.
Disability campaigners criticize 'harmful' and 'outdated trope' of villains with facial scarring in James Bond
–– Give low marks.
Rami Malek says he 'dropped lines' acting opposite Daniel Craig as James Bond because he was so intimidated
–– Evildoer campaigners criticize ‘devastating trope’ of ‘shaky’ villains.
Bond’s Ben Whishaw Wants Gay Actor to Replace Daniel Craig, and He Knows Two ‘Ideal’ Men
–– Q for Queer.
Scarlett Johansson and Disney agree to end lawsuit
–– Black Widow's peak.
Clint Eastwood’s ‘Cry Macho’ Is ‘a Shrunken Dirty Harry,’ Says Paul Schrader
–– Who’s ‘bloated Travis Bickle.’
‘Best Trump impersonator' joins 'SNL' cast
–– For ‘worst written’ political parodies.
Will Smith Crowns His Worst Film: It's “a Thorn in My Side”
–– Must have thorns up, down body.
Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas' daughter Stella files to legally drop mom's last name
–– Griffith parked.
Opinion: Britney Spears' bid for freedom comes at a crucial moment
–– For History of Humankind.
Britney Opinion: Britney Spears' bid for freedom comes at a crucial moment bares all as she poses for photos during getaway: 'Playing in the Pacific never hurt anybody'
–– Like latter-day Joan of Arc.
Sam Asghari says documentaries about fiancée Britney Spears have left a 'bad aftertaste'
–– After eating remote.
Quentin Tarantino Responds to All That Fuss Over Feet in His Movies: ‘That’s Just Good Direction’
–– Tap-dancing around issue.
R. Kelly Found Guilty of Racketeering in Sex Trafficking Trial
–– After telling lawyers repeatedly, ‘I believe I can fly.’
Simone Biles Says She “Should Have Quit” Before Tokyo Olympics: “It Was Too Much”
–– Preferred quitting directly on team.
National Women's Soccer League calls off weekend matches after accusations of sexual misconduct by fired coach
–– Net loss?
Late-night TV host's words get him 'canceled' by BTS fans
–– Cordened off.
Monica Lewinsky's reinvention begs the question: What's changed since the '90s?
–– To the victim go the spoils.
Stephen Amell claps back at body shamers after sharing shirtless photo: 'I’m in tremendous shape and I’m strong as s***'
–– Like elephant's load?
Shakira says she was attacked by purse snatching boars
–– Ironically, purse made of sow’s ear.
Demi Lovato reveals whether they still want kids after coming out as nonbinary
–– They want its?
Yes, Dwyane Wade Knows You Can See His "Heartbeat" In His Slim-Fit Pants, And Yes, He Loves When You Comment The Eggplant Emoji
–– Dick-talk, dick-talk, dick-talk.
Unapologetically unfiltered, Rick Owens is fashion's ultimate antagonist
–– Ooo, he’s Goth Vader!
Mayim Bialik says Neil Patrick Harris stopped speaking to her after she refused to do a standing ovation at Rent
–- O shit.
Colin Jost Says His Mom Didn't "Understand" Why He and Scarlett Johansson Named Their Son Cosmo
–– Joining rest of nation.
Aaron Sorkin Says Scott Rudin “Got What He Deserves”, Hopes “He Gets Better” – Report
–– Says heroin addict who has miraculously avoided being canceled.
Doctor on Chicago flight thought woman may have had food poisoning. Then, he delivered her baby.
–– ‘Threw up’ on wrong end.
Explosion and fire with 'no natural explanation' injures 16 in Sweden, as police hunt for clues
–– Sending in Ghostbusters.
Church’s beer festival sparks outrage after visitors pose with drinks on gravestones
–– Should’ve stuck with biers.
Santa's sleigh is looking emptier. Fewer toys, higher prices loom for holiday season
–– Will waive drug tests just to find nine reindeer to pull it.
Florida man walks into sheriff's office, confesses to 2011 murder
–– Or, Friday.
Miami mayoral candidate arrested for allegedly impersonating a police officer in the Keys
–– Also pretended to be manatee for several days.
Royal Biographer Says Will and Kate Didn't Treat Harry and Meghan *Great* Before the Royal Feud Started
–– And they were such *great* royals.
Meghan Markle Apparently Confused TF Out of an Eavesdropper by Talking a Lot on Double Date in NYC
–– Harry, that is.
Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner tried to attend meeting with Queen Elizabeth II but were stymied when there was no room in the president's helicopter for them: book
–– And they became convinced he wanted to ‘drop them’ at his Scottish golf club.
French President Emmanuel Macron hit by egg thrown from crowd in Lyon
–– Trying to make Salad Lyonnaise.
Former French president Sarkozy, guilty of illegal campaign financing, probably will avoid prison
–– Will be sentenced to stay at home with hot wife.
French Cop Leaves Suicide Note Unmasking Himself as Notorious ‘Grele’ Serial Killer
–– Admission creep.
France has legalized fertility treatments for lesbian and single women. A sperm shortage may slow things down
–– According to ex-spurts.
South Korea to Biden administration: North Korea is ‘strengthening’ its missile program
–– 'So like, can you lend us a couple bil won more?'
Philippine President Duterte announces 'retirement from politics'
–– To continue career in thuggery.
Professor who called for ‘end of Zionism’ is fired
–– Zioned own death warrant.
Kamala Harris' office does damage control after she praises 'ethnic genocide' remark
–– Hamas-headed remark.
Is it too soon to declare the ivory-billed woodpecker extinct?
–– Or just very, very annoying?
‘I just screamed.’ Drone captures the moment crocodile lunged to attack in Australia
–– Quoting drone?
Large invasive spider species growing in “extreme numbers” in Georgia
–– Hoping to live up to “invasive” label.
Tropical Cyclone Gulab brings heavy rainfall to Pakistan and Iran
–– Residents make sound ‘gulab, gulab.’
Plant-based meat was all the rage. Now plant-based seafood is taking the spotlight
–– Seaweed Jesus!
An NYC restaurant owner raised staff wages to $25 an hour. She's had no trouble recruiting - but still doesn't think she pays employees enough.
–– No one’s stopping her.
The Controversial Quest to Make Cow Burps Less Noxious
–– With Gas-x Cud.
Hidden challenges of composting facilities include bathroom permits and food waste-hungry bugs
–– And other shit.
Egyptian Mummies ‘looked like modern Europeans’
–– So we’re allowed to watch Liz Taylor as Cleopatra?
Locals are working to restore coral reefs in beloved travel destinations. You can help.
–– Do we have to um, uh ‘love’ reefs first?
U.S. Fishermen Are Making Their Last Stand Against Offshore Wind
–– By farting back.
Greta Thunberg roasts world leaders for being 'blah, blah, blah' on climate action
–– Greta garble.
South Pole posts most severe cold season on record, a surprising anomaly in a warming world
–– So send climate change deniers there for vacay.
The 7 most devastating climate disasters of summer 2021
–– Gee, remember when it was top ten summer songs?
Sen. James Inhofe: Biden's climate fiats aren't about climate—they're about control
–– From man with verbal diarrhea.
New Tracker Shows How Many Coal Plants’ Worth of CO2 Your Local Airport Emits
–– Inspiring airlines to add stokers to flight crew.
GM sets earlier deadline for all-renewable energy
–– Making it easier to blow past.
Phillips 66 to cut 30% greenhouse gas emissions by 2030
–– Can’t they make it 34% for symmetry?
NBA legend Kareem Abdul-Jabbar calls for unvaccinated players to be removed from teams
–– Kareem of the crop.
A North Carolina hospital system fired 175 employees who failed to follow its Covid-19 vaccination rule. Over 99% of its workers complied
–– So-called caregivers (sick).
Murkowski bemoans surge of covid cases in Alaska, decries Nazi references about mask mandate
–– Gee, she’s brave.
Koch-backed group fuels opposition to school mask mandates, leaked letter shows
-– Why we pronounce it ‘kook’, not ‘coke’.
Alabama governor defends plan to use Covid-19 relief funds to build prisons
–– Hoping virus will help with overcrowding.
Australia to ease covid travel ban, shedding ‘Hermit Kingdom’ tag
–– New Zealand retains 'Hobbit Kingdom' moniker.
Portugal has nearly run out of people to vaccinate. What comes next?
–– Vaccinate Pastéis de Nata.
Tommy Kirk, child star of ‘Old Yeller’ and other Disney films, dies at 79
–– Kirk beamed up.
Jean Hale, Actress in ‘In Like Flint’ and ‘Batman,’ Dies at 82
–– Hale ceaser.
