The Weakest Rink
Week of 12/10/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
White House announces US diplomatic boycott of 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing
–– Raise stink on ice.
Better.com CEO fires 900 employees over Zoom
–– Zooming and dooming.
China threatens the US with retaliation over diplomatic boycott of Winter Olympics
–– May sleigh Uighurs.
Apple's Tim Cook signed $275 billion deal to placate China - The Information
–– Provided with plenty if iPadding.
Biden administration has reviewed military options as part of effort to keep Iran from obtaining a nuclear weapon
–– Fake nukes?
Inflation pinch challenges Biden agenda, but president says worst will soon pass
–– Worst of agenda?
A former Kamala Harris staffer says aides have to endure 'a constant amount of soul-destroying criticism': report
–– So, Harrisment.
An expert draws 7 lessons about US gun laws from the murder of Ahmaud Arbery and the Rittenhouse verdict
–– We draw one: ban ‘em all.
A plumber found cash and checks stashed in a wall at Joel Osteen's Houston mega-church
–– The Lord perks in mysterious ways.
Email leak reveals the surprising friendship between Hunter Biden and his 'buddy' Tucker Carlson, says report
–– Wow, had no idea he was that high.
Trump was 'extremely put off' by Brett Kavanaugh's declarations that he 'liked beer' during his Supreme Court confirmation hearings: book
–– Only sexual assault allegation saved nomination.
Capitol attack panel obtains PowerPoint that set out plan for Trump to stage coup
–– Including bullet points.
Mark Meadows said he was 'nervous' when he first saw Trump's red Diet Coke button and 'braced for whatever sonic boom, breaking glass, or cloud of smoke' would come after he pressed it: book
–– Same as when he saw whoopee cushion.
Trump accuses Netanyahu of disloyalty for congratulating Biden after 2020 win: 'F**k him'
–– Wished him schmuck.
A 'Let's Go Brandon' store has opened in Massachusetts selling right-wing merchandise
–– aka QMart.
Progressives introduce FOUR-DAY work week bill, is this the answer to The Great Resignation?
–– Maybe they can get their own down to ONE to do less damage.
A Black job applicant is suing over hair discrimination, but the company says it was a misunderstanding
–– Filled them with dreads.
CNN fires Chris Cuomo for helping brother deal with scandal
–– For being brother’s creeper.
Meet Michael Smerconish, a radio host and political commentator who will take over Chris Cuomo's primetime hour on CNN
–– Puts Smirk back in clownish.
Instagram will now tell users when to take a break from using the app
–– Now, forever.
David Letterman Immediately Shreds Donald Trump At Kennedy Center Honors
–– Was elephant not in the room.
What David Foster and Katharine McPhee Foster Are Afraid Son Rennie Will Discover About Them on YouTube
–– Tragic unhipness.
Music critics mock Kenny G's 'safe sax.' But a new documentary will change how you see him
–– Original title: Safe Sux.
‘West Wing' actor Joshua Malina calls for Hollywood to 'take a stand' against 'Jew-hater' Mel Gibson
–– Sick heil.
Jonah Hill and Girlfriend Sarah Brady Match in Light Blue Gucci Suits at Don't Look Up Premiere
–– Don't look at.
Florence Pugh Shared Photos Of Her Getting Her Septum Pierced, And It's A Journey: "Last Slide Will Make Your Stomach Scream"
–– She has nose idea.
Carrie-Anne Moss: ‘There was a scene in the first Matrix with me in stilettos. I could barely stand straight’
–– On balance.
Tyra Banks celebrates her curves on her 48th birthday: 'My body is fuller. And so is my mind.'
–– Talk about glass half full.
‘Still Don’t Look a Day Over 30’: Toni Braxton’s Ageless Appearance Stuns Fans Over, and Over Again
–– None of which have ever been in unPhotoSopped room with her.
Jeff Bezos’ Girlfriend Lauren Sanchez Poses in an Edgy Plunging Blazer Dress With Her Son
–– Who’s 20, still breast-feeding.
And Just Like That… Kills Off a Beloved Main Character During Its First Episode
–– Bites the Big one.
Peloton Responds to 'And Just Like That' Character Dying After Bike Ride
–– Gets exercised about it.
Frank Sinatra Had an Endearing Reason for Wearing a Tuxedo During Every Live Performance
–– Honoring memory of penguin he had goons rub out.
Henry Cavill says his dog, Kal, has saved his mental health
–– And taught him how to act.
Evan Rachel Wood said she installed bulletproof windows and steel doors in her house in case Marilyn Manson attacked her family
–– Industrial metal?
Paris Hilton says she 'hated' sister Nicky Hilton's bridesmaid dresses: 'They were just itchy, uncomfortable'
–– Nicky ‘hates’ sister Paris: ‘She’s just bitchy, uncomfortable.’
Billie Eilish says her racy British Vogue shoot helped her feel a 'little more confident in myself'
–– That’s what oglers are there for.
Lourdes Leon Has No Patience For People Who Think She’s Copying Mom Madonna With These Risqué New Photos
–– 'Papa, don't preach, I'm not like a virgin. I'm a material girl who's in vogue.'
From 'Chipotle' to 'Eilish,' these are the words we mispronounced the most this year
–– And should never had uttered.
‘One of the Worst Nights of My Life’: Nick Cannon Recalls Events Leading Up to First Date with Meagan Good and Actress Later Friend-Zoning Him
–– ‘Didn’t even get chance to conceive!’
'Cagney & Lacey' star Sharon Gless realized that she was an alcoholic after playing one on the groundbreaking '80s show
–– Poignant example of ‘life imitating crap.’
Elf: 19 Behind-The-Scenes Facts You Never Knew About The Will Ferrell Festive Film
–– 17. Other elves got short end of shtick.
Marvel confirms Charlie Cox to continue to play Daredevil
–– Blind loyalty.
Will Smith 'almost never' does anything just for fun and says he gets up at 4 a.m. to read or meditate on 'ideas that I want to put into the world'
–– The world, “ Hey, Will, here’s a case of Cristal and a one-way ticket to Bali. We're fine, you just chill.'
Ridley Scott Says 'F-- You' to Journalist Who Said Last Duel Looks More 'Realistic' Than Robin Hood
–– Tells him to go to to Little John.
The View' Co-Host Ana Navarro Compares Sara Haines Dress to a Toilet Paper Cover
–– Takes wipe at it.
Why Colson Baker Ditched 'Machine Gun Kelly' Name for Acting: “I Don't Feel Like Being 'Inception' in a Person”
–– Rapid fire decision.
11 Bisexual Tropes I'm Honestly Tired Of Seeing In TV And Movies
–– We can go either way on them.
Brian Williams warns of darkness spreading during final broadcast as NBC anchor
–– At least over his career.
The Metropolitan Museum of Art is removing the Sackler name from galleries
–– Banning opioids from staff water coolers.
Seven questions that go through your mind when you first see the Cambridges’ Christmas card
–– 7. Why did I click on this?
‘The Prince' voice actor says Prince Philip's death was 'really unfortunate timing' for HBO Max's cartoon spoof of the royal family
–– ‘The thoughtless bastard.’
Canada bans conversion therapy, a practice Trudeau calls 'despicable and degrading'
–– Not a convert?
Olaf Scholz appointed as Germany's new chancellor, replacing Angela Merkel after 16 years
–– Scholz: 'I know nussing!'
North Korea wants to give candies to kids for Kim Jong Un's birthday, but it's making its citizens pay to produce them: report
–– Will distribute dirt cake recipes for free.
Saudi Arabia Faces Accusations of ‘Sportswashing.’ For Young Saudis, It’s a Chance to Enjoy New Freedoms
–– Well, Formula 1 cars do look clean.
‘Nobody wants to be Putin’s slave’: on the Ukraine frontline as tensions rise
–– Except Trump.
These are the best ways to up your workout habits, according to study of over 60,000 people
–– Up yours.
Elon Musk reportedly demanded cameras over radar in self-driving cars because human eyes don't rely on radar
–– And he’s only half bat.
Tesla just announced a $1,900 kids ATV and it's already sold out
–– Kids have the darnedest parents.
What Children Lose When Their Brains Develop Too Fast
–– Sheer ignorance?
You can pay $30,000 to go through this secret door at Disney World
–– Snow White's Massage Parlor.
Costco is offering a new perk to club members
–– $1.50 All Beef 'Rub', 20 oz. soda.
Cream cheese shortage: Supply chain problem has reached bagels, cheesecakes
–– Schmear coincedence?
Travis Scott's Spiked Seltzer Brand Cacti Discontinued, Anheuser-Busch Announces
–– Had enough of that prick.
Woman leads police on crazy car chase across Florida golf course
–– Led by Sheriff Benny Hill.
A man jumped out of taxiing airplane at Phoenix's Sky Harbor International Airport
–– Had called an Uber.
‘Like a heavy anchor, he’s taken his entire family down’: Operator of credit repair business and 7 relatives sentenced in $3.4 million identity fraud case
–– What moor, can you ask?
Evergrande has defaulted on its debt, Fitch Ratings says
–– Never grande.
San Francisco restaurant flooded with one-star reviews after refusing to serve 3 cops because the owners objected to their guns
–– No blue plate special?
Step Inside the Very Naked Archive Preserving America's Nudist History
–– Bare foot, of course.
‘Extremely rare' 17th-century painting of Black woman with White companion placed under export bar from UK
–– Because it mocks their vanity equally?
Climber can keep $84,000-worth of jewels he found on Mont Blanc
–– But not luxury pen.
How Elizabeth Holmes' abuse allegations could impact her criminal trial
–– You see it was hurt little girl who knowingly fucked over investors, workers, public.
Ghislaine Maxwell said Jeffrey Epstein needed to have sex three times a day, woman testifies
–– And he'd tri anything.
Jeffrey Epstein Victim Says Ghislaine Maxwell Made Her Dress in Schoolgirl Outfit to Serve Him Tea
–– With cookie that said 'Eat me.'
Maxwell court artist says defendant sketches her
–– Should keep eye on someone who made Tom Brady look like this.
FBI agents used a saw to open a safe in Jeffrey Epstein's Manhattan mansion that held hard drives and diamonds
–– Bureau used to recruit more crackers.
Jussie Smollett sniped at the prosecutor cross-examining him on the stand: 'You do not understand Instagram'
–– And he’s not great on this whole lying to cops thing, so they’re even.
Actor Jussie Smollett found guilty of lying to police in hate crime hoax
–– Jury took with grain of assault.
Jussie Smollett's Subway sandwich was key to case, ex-Chicago police superintendent says
–– Kind of like Jared’s.
Josh Duggar Seen Smiling in New Mugshot After Being Convicted of Possessing, Receiving Child Porn
–– Was recalling pleasures of youth.
Kentucky Derby winner Medina Spirit dies at Santa Anita
–– Investigators look for track marks.
SC’s top prosecutor Alan Wilson seen eating lunch with Kyle Rittenhouse at Maurice’s
–– Did shots?
Convicted murderer Robert Durst's health is improving, appeal pending
–– Stronger than Durst?
Teenager arrested for beheading sister as mother allegedly held victim's legs
–– Defense attorneys will argue it was only ankles.
Cyclist Mark Cavendish and family 'extremely distressed' following aggravated burglary
–– Burglar pretty annoyed.
Jeff Bezos is sending Michael Strahan to space. But that’s not what makes this flight significant.
–– Obviously.
Worried Owners Take Dog Who Makes Funny Faces to Vet And Find Pup Is Just Doing it For Attention
––Convincing them to take him to talent agency.
A fatal fungal disease is spreading among North America’s snakes
–– Has them rattled.
See one million turtles released in the Amazon
–– On parole.
Mummies With Gold Tongues Found Inside 2,500-Year-Old Tombs in Egypt
–– Suspected of licking Pharaoh's sarcophagi.
These companies are using oceans and rivers to generate electricity
–– Making waves.
2022 will mark the end of the pandemic and a full economic recovery, JPMorgan says
–– Peering into Diamond crystal.
Trump responds to report that he tested positive for COVID before debate, says 'Biden goes around coughing on people all over the place'
–– Coming from world's biggest hack.
Trump's blood oxygen levels were at a 'dangerously low level' during 2020 Covid-19 diagnosis, ex-chief of staff says
–– Doctors feared haters would lapse into uncontrollable hysterics.
Chris Christie: 'Undeniable' that Trump gave me Covid last year
–– 'Afterwards, Fauci explained to me about French kissing.'
Boris Johnson's aides joked about Christmas party in Downing Street while London was in lockdown
–– And the 'white blonde' beardless Santa who 'stuffed' their stockings.
UK spam sales hit a record high as people load up on foods in lockdown
–– Can record sales of Nexium be far behind?
Omicron possibly more infectious because it shares genetic code with common cold coronavirus, study says
–– Common cold sniffs: ‘COVID is totally ripping me off.’
Michigan sets hospitalization record, leads nation in new coronavirus cases per capita
–– ‘It’s like they’re rolling ‘em off an assembly line.’
Iowa's longest-serving prison inmate dies at age 84
–– Canned.
Michael Nesmith, Monkees Singer-Songwriter, Dead at 78
–– Monkee on his back.
Army Col. Edward Shames, the last remaining member of World War II's 'Band of Brothers,' dies at 99
–– Put to Shames.
Bob Dole, giant of the Senate and 1996 Republican presidential nominee, dies
–– Dole’s out.
The wit and grit of Bob Dole
–– And shit.
