Dam Straight
Week of 11/05/21
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Patience and persistence pay off as Biden gets infrastructure deal across finish line
–– Don't forget pre-dementia.
Over 80 nations pledge to cut methane emissions by 30%
–– Gas-X stock soars.
How the $1 Trillion Infrastructure Bill Aims to Affect Americans’ Lives
–– Will fill potholes in their hearts.
Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine blames 'purist' demands by congressional Democrats for Terry McAuliffe's loss to Glenn Youngkin
–– Take your…
–– …self-delusional pick.
Jayapal says House progressives ready to 'pass both bills' without commitment from Manchin and Sinema
–– McAuliffe should be defeated more often.
There’s a baffling tax gift to the wealthy in the Democrats’ social-spending bill
–– Rich liberals not confused.
‘Beyond unacceptable': Bernie Sanders slams Democrats' $1.75 trillion spending package after analysis said it would cut taxes for the rich
–– In progressive soup.
Rep. Cori Bush blasts Sen. Manchin, says opposition to the reconciliation bill is 'anti-Black, anti-child, anti-woman, and anti-immigrant'
–– Bush whacked.
AOC blasts Carville for using term 'wokeness,' says mostly 'older people' use the word
–– What’s age-range for 'ageist?'
GOP Rep. Adam Kinzinger mocks Marjorie Taylor Greene for calling infrastructure communism
–– Greene in Red State cries 'Pinko.'
Photos show the lineup of private jets that the world's elite, including Jeff Bezos, took to the UN's climate conference in Scotland
–– Which all run on moonbeams.
COP26 is looking like a historic failure after the world's biggest polluters snubbed the summit and even rich nations failed to deliver
–– Hot air balloons.
Prince Charles Tells President Joe Biden That The Queen Was "Very Disappointed Not to Come" to COP26
–– "At least I think that's what she said through the pillow I held over her face."
Queen Elizabeth wore a neon green dress and a butterfly brooch with a special hidden meaning during a speech to world leaders
–– Had ‘I Really Don’t Care, Do U?’ stitched on back.
Chequers away day irritates ministers
–– Office of the Axe Chequers?
‘Reparations?’ Biden Administration Reportedly In Talks to Pay $450K to Families Separated at the Border for Trauma
–– Children being catapulted into US from Juárez.
The inquiry into border agents on horseback continues. Critics see a 'broken' system
–– Giddy yap from critics.
Trump Holding Massive Fundraiser for Senate Candidate Who Was Just Accused of Strangling His Wife
–– Offers to lend hand.
Judge rejects comparison between Jan. 6 riot and George Floyd unrest
–– Comparing afros and Orange's.
Rudy Giuliani Says In Deposition He Didn't Have 'Time' To Verify Election Fraud Claims
–– Single Happy Hour.
Lauren Boebert said she delivered one of her children in her truck, bringing it up as a supporting point against extended parental leave
–– And she didn’t name him Axel?
‘Let’s go Brandon,' explained
–– It began in primordial muck when first brain-damaged invertebrate attempted sarcasm…
Tim Scott confirms he's on the Trump 2024 train
–– Just praying they'll let him blow whistle once.
NRA Shell Companies Funneled Up to $35 Million to GOP Candidates, Lawsuit Says
–– And those shells are loaded.
Opinion: When J.D. Vance called himself a hillbilly, it made me mad. Now, I’m upset that he stopped.
–– Any other mental health issues you’d like to discuss?
Texas governor calls books 'pornography' in latest effort to remove LGBTQ titles from school libraries
–– Since when are BJs not in curriculum?
Elon Musk offers to sell Tesla stock 'right now' if UN can show how $6 billion would solve world hunger
–– Let UN show how much it would take to solve Elon Musk.
Miranda Lambert Fans Have Not Recovered from Her Jaw-Dropping Halloween Costume
–– For those who say this isn't Golden Age of hyperbole.
Michael Jackson's Son Blanket "Bigi" Jackson Is All Grown Up in Rare Interview
–– Just about covers it.
Exclusive: Bay Area rapper Too Short stands by Dave Chappelle amid Netflix controversy
–– Comes up to waist.
We’ll Finally Find Out What Really Went Down With Janet Jackson’s Historic Nip Slip In New Documentary
–– Does that perk interest?
Nick Lachey still hasn't read Jessica Simpson's book: 'Nor will I ever read that book'
–– ‘Or any book. Book? Am I saying that right?’
Famed chef Wolfgang Puck offered Cardi B cooking lessons
–– For Lo-Cardi diet.
How ‘Eternals’ Brought Sex to the Marvel Cinematic Universe: ‘It’s Very Tasteful’
–– In latest slang for ‘duller than dishwater.’
Kal Penn, 'Harold and Kumar' and 'House' star, comes out as gay
–– Harold and Kumar Escape from Celluloid Closet.
Ray Liotta Says Frank Sinatra's Daughters Once Sent Him a Horse Head: It 'Means You're Toast'
–– Whole Liotta shakin' goin' on.
Will Smith Says He 'Fell in Love' with Costar Stockard Channing During His First Marriage
–– Sex degrees of separation.
Will Smith Says He and Jada Pinkett Smith Agreed 'It Was a Fantasy Illusion That We Could Make Each Other Happy'
–– Like relationship with his audience.
Paul Newman tells his own story in newly discovered memoir
–– Our suggested title: I Feel Like a Newman.
Nick Stahl’s Wrenching Road to Recovery
–– After he Stahled out.
Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson: Chrissy Teigen has a theory
–– Us, too: they deserve each other.
Kanye West says recent buzzcut was tribute to Britney Spears' shaved head
–– And emptiness therein.
’Rust’ prop person shot herself in the foot in accidental discharge prior to Alec Baldwin shooting: report
–– That's a little on the toes.
Brigitte Bardot Is Handed Her Sixth Fine for “Inciting Racial Hatred”
–– Aging six kitten.
Emotional Tom Hanks recalls 'screwing around' with Peter Scolari on 'Bosom Buddies' set
–– ‘It was the first lesbian sex for either of us.’
Dean Winters living in pain after multiple amputations
–– Wham-bam, thank you Mayhem.
Why Tom Hanks turned down Jeff Bezos' offer to go to space
–– Didn’t want to pay millions to be in Amazon ad.
The most notable versions of Princess Diana seen onscreen
–– Of thousands available.
'Book of Boba Fett' trailer makes a forgotten Star Wars creature canon again
–– Canon fodder.
Norwich sack manager Daniel Farke despite victory over Brentford
–– Farke off!
NFL Reporter Taunts ‘The View’ Audience for Groaning at Her Kaepernick Take: ‘Bring It On!’
–– Takes knee to groan.
Mets Fire Their Interim G.M. Two Months After His Arrest
–– For what was most exciting home run with bags loaded of season.
He Ran the First N.Y.C. Marathon. Next Week, He’ll Run the 50th.
–– Overcoming arch enemy.
At the NYC Marathon, Shalane Flanagan eyes an unprecedented sixth marathon in six weeks
–– We’re not going to even eye results.
Don’t look now but here comes India at the T20 World Cup
–– Won’t look now, then, ever.
Barclays CEO Jes Staley quits after investigation into links with Jeffrey Epstein
–– Jes desserts?
Hell of a victory: Satanists convince Pennsylvania school district to change anti-satanic dress code
–– Though safety restrictions prohibit pointy tails during phys ed.
Here's what it's like to live in one of Charlie Munger's windowless dorms
–– Do time at U of Michigan pen.
‘We are in crisis mode’: Museum workers are turning to unions over conditions they say are untenable
–– Frame issue in display of hang-ups.
I Just Turned 60, but I Still Feel 22
–– May we offer you a mirror?
Holmes is 'silently charming' jurors. Could the Theranos case end in a mistrial?
–– Prosecutors demand she wear aluminum head piece to block brain waves.
A military jury said torture tactics used by the CIA were on par with the 'most abusive regimes in modern history,' report says
–– Regimes CIA taught.
Ethiopia on verge of losing access to lucrative US trade program over human rights violations
–– Need dissent wage to live on.
Biden's sweet talk won't curb Erdogan's abuses in Turkey and beyond
–– Halva heart!
China supports Syria reconstruction, security cooperation in Xi, Assad call
–– And protester torture, executions as goodwill gesture.
Backers of Iran-linked militias try to storm Baghdad’s Green Zone after election losses
–– It’s not easy fleeing Green.
Pro-Iran camp in fresh Baghdad demo after deadly clash
–– Removed walls, ceilings, floors.
Why Won’t Iran Rejoin the Nuclear Talks? Ask the Hardliners
–– If you haven’t been cursed at in Farsi lately.
Iranian lovers aged 27 and 33 are sentenced to death for adultery
–– Affair sentence?
Myanmar junta ‘burning homes and churches’ in rebellious state
–– On back Burma.
Man dressed as Joker injures 17 on Tokyo train
–– With bat, man?
Two London police officers admit sharing photos of murdered sisters
–– Sechhsting.
Man dies after being gored at Spanish bull-running festival
–– Toro him a new one.
Spain to pay for fertility treatment for lesbians, bisexual women and some transgender people
–– In new seed program.
82-Year-Old Woman Was Killed by Dogs After Neighbors' Complaints, Owner on Trial for Manslaughter
–– Pits bull against pit bulls.
Mammoth expert Bernard von Bredow and daughter Loreena, 15, shot dead in Paraguay
–– Wild and woolly story.
An Italian couple thought they were being burgled. Then they found a bear on their balcony
–– Screamed five times, 'Orso!'
The rise and fall of the Jack Daniel’s committee: How D.C.’s police lodge made thousands selling whiskey online
–– And millions more in DWI fines.
Mochi, the dog with the world's longest tongue, has died
–– Licked.
Are Candles Bad for Dogs?
–– Not if you keep matches out of reach.
Baby seals, like humans, can change the tone of their voice
–– While singing I Am the Walrus.
Biologists vastly underestimated how much whales eat and poop
–– Ask Atlantean janitor.
Humans used ‘modern’ fishing tools more than 12,000 years ago
–– Scientists ‘surprised’ that’s the only thing they used crude time machines to retrieve from future.
Indonesian Divers Discover Treasures From Enigmatic 'Island of Gold'
–– Enigma is they're tin.
Latrine Used by Ancient Actors Discovered Among Ruins of Theater in Turkey
–– For thespeeins.
Prehistoric teeth could be the key to dating 'world's oldest modern human'
–– So if you have a set you might get lucky.
Day of the Dead has everything to do with the afterlife, love and those colorful skulls you've seen around
–– So bone up on it.
Consciousness: Is It in the Cerebral Cortex — or the Brain Stem?
–– It's not in this pieczzzzz…
Marie Antoinette's diamond bracelets expected to fetch up to $4 million at auction
–– Let them eat paste.
Royal jewels smuggled out of Russia during 1917 revolution go on sale
–– Tsar nicked a list.
Viral Image Shows Fried Chicken Head Found in Woman's Takeout Wing Order
–– Mouthing ‘Ow, ow, ow, oww!’
Popeyes closes store after TikTok video shows rats swarming kitchen: ‘You still love that chicken?’
–– Remy: ‘More than ever!’
At Cheesecake Factory, takeout becomes a growth business
–– Along with your ass.
Papa John Is Still Obsessed With Papa John’s
–– Still wants pizza, the action.
Judge rules against Blue Origin in standoff with SpaceX, NASA
–– Blew origin.
SpaceX toilet leak forces astronauts to use diapers on trip back to Earth
–– And nannybot to change them.
The US Navy has figured out what a nuclear-powered attack submarine ran into in the South China Sea: report
–– After rejecting Captain's claim it was USOS Seaview.
A deadly parasite that burrows into the body through bare feet could be multiplying in this US community
–– National Shoe Retailers Association!
American Airlines cancels more than 600 flights on Sunday
–– Wing dinged.
Mom speaks out after Southwest employee accuses her of trafficking her Black daughter
–– And offering ridiculously low price to buy her.
Greta Thunberg says she's going 'net-zero' on cussing after COP26 sing-along
–– To better match her credibility on climate science.
A major coastal flood event, similar to a surge from a hurricane, is underway in Charleston, South Carolina
–– Charleston screws.
Dubai aims to attract 25 million tourists in 2025
–– For ‘Glimpse Your Hellish Future’ eco-tours.
Toronto is home to the world’s largest lake-powered cooling system. Here’s how it works.
–– Actually, it's Toronto –– who cares?
‘This sun isn't normal': Extreme UV radiation is broiling Bolivia's highlands
–– Sol survivor.
Striking Alabama mine workers bring protest to New York City
–– But can't tear selves away from Times Square M&M Store.
PETA calls for Dr. Fauci to resign: 'Our position is clear'
–– 'We're crazy as bed bugs. Fauci ordered murder of bed bugs!'
Another Kansas City hospital mandates COVID shots for workers. Here’s how many left
–– Like you want morons working in healthcare system.
Marjorie Taylor Greene has been fined $48,000 for not wearing a mask on House floor
–– $48 for wearing one of Tomi Lahren.
Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch calls in sick, tests negative for Covid
–– Admits he just wanted to stay home, watch soaps.
Study shows dramatic decline in effectiveness of all three COVID-19 vaccines over time
–– We thought we detected smile on your face.
30,000 Park-Goers in Disneyland Lockdown Panic Over One COVID Case in Halloween Nightmare
–– Which was already lamest attraction.
Aaron Rodgers tests positive for COVID-19 months after dodging a vaccine question by saying he's 'immunized'
–– Not from criticism.
Aaron Rodgers Attacks NFL and ‘Woke Mob’ of Critics in Defending His Unvaccinated Status
–– Packer lies.
Jeopardy! champ James Holzhauer mocks Aaron Rodgers as Dr. Oz-like "peddler of pseudoscience"
–– Sack of shit.
Actor and Anti-Vaxxer Kristy Swanson Hospitalized with COVID-19
–– Bluffy the vaxpire slayer.
Widespread Coronavirus Infection Found in Iowa Deer, New Study Says
–– Buck trend.
Navy engineer suspended for saying 'lethal force is justified' against vaccine mandates
–– Cruisin' for a bruisin'.
Jo-Carroll Dennison, the oldest surviving Miss America, dies aged 97
–– Sash and burn.
