Roberts Rules of Disorder
Week of 03/21/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Chief Justice rejects calls by Trump and allies to impeach judges
–– After his court issued madman License to Kill.
How to Do Layoffs Humanely
–– Watch Musk, do opposite.
Homan on deportation flights: ‘I don’t care what the judges think’
–– ‘I frankly resent that they think.’
US Justice Department moves to protect Trump from January 6 lawsuits
–– DOJy moves.
–– With check made out to Pro Bono, name on personal account.
Trump Says Biden’s Pardons are ‘Void’ and ‘Vacant’ Because of Autopen
–– Gee, he’s real Sharpie.
Trump Admin Arrests FBI Agent Who Went After Rudy Giuliani
–– For crimes against inhumanity.
Trump’s clash with the courts over deportation is stoking fears of a 'constitutional crisis.' But what does that even mean?
–– Rough translation, ‘We’re toast.’
Sanders and AOC tell packed arena Trump is ‘screwing over’ working class
–– Then why does our ass feel so sore?
White House acknowledges it can’t shut down Education Department on its own
–– Needs locksmith.
Trump: The SBA will take over managing student loans from the Education Department
–– Thinks it stands for Student Bucks Alot.
Howard Lutnick says Elon Musk vowed onstage that DOGE would cut $2 trillion in spending when he was supposed to say $1 trillion
–– That’s guy you want handling books.
Trump commerce secretary pumps Tesla stock, urging Americans to buy Elon Musk’s carmaker: ‘It will never be this cheap again’
–– Referring to White House.
Elon Musk says his DOGE team works 120 hours a week. If they used all their remaining time for sleep, they still wouldn’t come close to 8 hours a night
–– Is that excuse for illegal, slipshod shitshow?
Musk’s Role in Dismantling Aid Agency Likely Violated Constitution, Judge Finds
–– In latest slang for 'definitely.'
Bondi Calls Tesla Vandalism ‘Domestic Terrorism,’ Promising Steep Consequences
–– Because they target domestic terrorist?
Elon Musk says he's shocked at the level of Tesla hate and vandalism happening: 'I've never done anything harmful'
–– Dope addict feeling no pain not his own.
Trump Admin Threatens to Stop Social Security If DOGE Can’t Have Personal Data
–– Including Tinder passwords.
Elon Musk’s Tesla recalls every single Cybertruck ever delivered to fix stainless steel panels which have been coming loose and falling off
–– When will he get DOGE in shop for overhaul?
Tesla is struggling. One Wall Street analyst sees red-state EV buyers coming to the rescue.
–– If new models add hay cart hitch.
Jimmy Kimmel Roasts Elon Musk for Claiming Teslas Are Being Destroyed Due to ‘Mental Illness’: You Did ‘One, Maybe Two Nazi Salutes’
–– Musk, ‘Which makes me expert on crazy, too.’
The White House Press Secretary Thought This Would Be a Great Time to Post About Her Wedding
––
Leavitt or leave it?
Conor McGregor rails against immigration into Ireland during White House visit
–– Irish stewpid.
Conor McGregor draws Irish leader’s ire after anti-immigration comments at White House
–– Mixed moron arts.
Inside Trump’s Lightning-Fast Deportation of Venezuelans to a Salvadoran Prison
–– Everything goes faster when illegal.
Judge questions Trump's deportation of Venezuelans as White House defends move
–– Killjoy!
Why the men who were sent to El Salvador’s mega-prison may never make it out
–– Trump promises to light candle for them weekly.
Tate brothers say they have left US to return to Romania
–– Haters gonna Tate.
What’s Next for Mahmoud Khalil? A Fight to Keep His Case in New York.
–– Or transfer to Gaza City.
Decades Ago, Columbia Refused to Pay Trump $400 Million
–– This week in 'Coinkydinks.'
Legal Experts Question Trump’s Authority to Cancel Columbia’s Funding
–– Trump asserts right to use office to settle personal scores, citing noted legal scholar Red Hulk.
Trump unveils new fighter jet, seemingly named after himself
–– Does F-WAD-47 strike fear?
Keeping With Kennedy’s Advice, Measles Patients Turn to Unproven Treatments
–– Spot on.
Donald Trump Asked Son Barron 'How'd You Do That?' When He Turned on a Laptop: 'Unbelievable Aptitude in Technology'
–– Asked same question when he made single truthful statement.
USDA cancels $500M in food deliveries, leaving food banks scrambling
–– Musk, 'Let them eat computer chips.'
U.S. Threatens to Cut Off M.T.A. Funds Over Subway Safety
–– Defunding transit best way to make it safer.
GOP chairs ‘very concerned’ over report of Trump changing military commands
–– Ooo, might they ramp up to 'extremely worried?'
Ted Cruz Is Being Dragged After Sharing What He Called The "Coolest Thing" He's Ever Seen
–– And it’s not Trump’s ass before smooch.
Israel Resumes Strikes on Gaza, Killing Hundreds, as Cease-Fire Breaks Down
–– Seize fire.
Kahane’s ghost: how a long-dead extremist rabbi continues to haunt Israel’s politics
–– NightMeir.
Putin just called Trump’s bluff on Ukraine, with the Russian art of the ‘no’ deal
–– Knows he likes getting pissed on by whore.
UN condemns unimaginable suffering of Ukrainian children at hands of Russia
–– Putin, Trump gleefully imagine it.
Trump says ‘contract’ being drafted on ‘dividing up’ land in Ukraine war
–– Separate contract with Russia for Zelensky.
Trump story about ‘surrounded’ Ukraine troops contradicted by his own intelligence, report reveals
–– He hasn’t own intelligence.
Nary a Critical Word: Bill Gates’s Close Bond With Narendra Modi
–– Microsoft on him.
See Canadian official's response after Trump calls Canada 'one of the nastiest countries to deal with'
–– ‘Well, we’re known for being impolite and pushy, eh. S**thead.’
Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang predicts every company will need dual operations in the future— a site for manufacturing plus an AI twin
–– Y'know, an evil one.
Bluesky made more money selling T-shirts mocking Mark Zuckerberg in one day than it has in two years of selling custom domains
–– Which kinda says more about their business model.
The Unbelievable Scale of AI’s Pirated-Books Problem
–– AI, AI, matey!
'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' Rights Up for Grabs, Sending Hollywood Foaming
–– Like psychopathic killer.
’Snow White’ First Reactions Praise Film as a ‘Visual Feast’ and One of Disney’s ‘Best Live-Action Remakes in Years’
–– Each positive opinion only cost one free Disney World day pass.
Gal Gadot’s Walk of Fame Ceremony Disrupted by Confrontation Between Pro-Palestine and Pro-Israeli Demonstrators, Police Respond
–– Coule of Evil Queens hurled insults at someone dressed as Glinda.
‘Mickey17’ Projected to Lose $75 Million in Theatrical Run
–– Mickey most.
John Oliver: It’s ‘Frankly Incredible’ Justice Department Lawyer Was Fired Because ‘She Didn’t Think Mel Gibson, Best Known for His Work in Screaming, Should Have Guns’
–– Lethal known weapon.
Ellen Pompeo says her $575,000-an-episode Grey’s Anatomy salary came with a warning from her manager that hit her like a brick
–– She was surprised people wouldn’t be delighted? Hope she bought self sense of irony.
Brooke Shields Recalls Interrupting George H.W. and Barbara Bush in Their Bedroom to Tell Them Their Home Was Flooding
–– Bush, ‘That’s nice, dear, but I got m’own gusher here with Bar.'
Gwyneth Paltrow Has ‘A Lot of Sex’ Scenes With Timothée Chalamet, Told Intimacy Coordinator to ‘Step a Little Back’ Because ‘I’d Feel Very Stifled By That’
–– 'If he goops, he goops.'
Why Cate Blanchett Says Awards Shows Shouldn’t Be Televised Anymore: “Just Have a Great Party”
–– ‘Especially if you’re not going to give me anymore.’
Ryan Reynolds requests to be dropped from Justin Baldoni’s lawsuit in wife Blake Lively’s legal battle
–– Asks producers be reminded he only knows her socially.
Why Are Frankenstein Movies Suddenly Hot Again in Hollywood?
–– They haven't had original idea since 1818.
This ‘White Lotus’ Season 3 Character Is the Absolute Worst
–– There's lot to unprick.
Jason Isaacs Walks Back “Double Standard” Comment Regarding ‘White Lotus’ Nude Scene
–– That took balls.
Bad Bunny Strips Down to Underwear and Shows Off Tattoos in New Calvin Klein Campaign
–– Can you see pubic hare?
Universal Music Says Drake “Lost a Rap Battle” and It Shouldn’t Be Held Liable for Hyperbole
–– Hangs by slander thread.
Iggy Azalea Recalls Bizarre 2012 Meeting with Kanye West: “He Told Me He Jerked Off to My Pictures Every Morning”
–– Yeezy does it.
Comedian Jeff Dunham says Trump victory is ‘a weight off’ comics' backs so they can get back to old jokes
–– Dummy up.
Iga Świątek says she’s either called ‘a robot’ or ‘hysterical’ in response to ball boy incident at Indian Wells
–– Never just plain old 'annoying?'
Despite Having Kids Together, Cristiano Ronaldo Said He Won’t Marry His Girlfriend Of 9 Years Until He Feels A “Click” In Their Relationship — And, As You’d Expect, People Have Thoughts
–– Like "click" in head when ball hits it really hard.
Millennials and Gen Z Are Fighting Again. This Time About Gym Clothes.
–– Finally young people taking politcal stand.
I Tried This Vagus-Nerve Stimulator For a Week and It Leveled Up My Sleep For Good
–– We haven’t got Vagus idea.
We should be living in the golden age of hobbies. What happened?
–– Failure in Washington of hobby lobby.
Humans May Be Able to Grow New Teeth Within Just 5 Years
–– In their arm pits!
Why Does Everyone Seem To Hate Arby's? Inside The Fast Food Chain's Controversy
–– They’ve eaten there or know someone who has.
Say These Words If You Want A Fresh Filet-O-Fish At McDonald's
–– ‘I’m going to a real restaurant.’
The Cheesecake Factory is eliminating 13 menu items in major makeover
–– Don’t worry, still dozens to get sick on.
Netflix Orders Competition Series Inspired By ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’
–– This week in ‘Wonky.’
The Worst Restaurant At Disney World's Magic Kingdom, According To Yelp Reviews
–– Goofy’s Rocky Mountain Oyster Bar.
Chips and cookies have gotten too expensive. Shoppers are buying less
–– Will instead snack on sugared lard.
Eggs will be expensive for a long time. Here’s the substitute you never thought of
–– Scrambled styrofoam.
An East Texas Gas Worker Goes All In on Barbecue With Great Results
–– Creating amazing amounts of gas.
Stanley Tucci Says He 'Doesn't Believe' In Fast Food & We're Not OK
–– Quoth Ronald McDonald.
A possible $70,000 tariff bill has America’s largest limoncello maker on edge
–– Sour lemon law.
World’s longest-running Michelin-starred restaurant loses a star
–– In la crêpe vonnassienne!
Cruise passengers were told to draw curtains and turn off lights as they passed through a pirate hot spot
–– Pirates shared it with notorious Peeping Toms.
Rare Albino Doberman Looks like a Gorgeous Ghost Dog and People Can't Believe It
–– Becasue they've never seen one. It's a ghost.
At a Penguin ‘Retirement Home,’ a Slower Pace and Plenty of Fish
–– And tuxedos optional at dinner?
Why penguin poop makes krill swim for their lives
–– The krill is gone?
From rats nearly 1 metre long to ones poisonous enough to kill an elephant, here are the 6 weirdest rats in the world
–– 6. Remy, 5. Rizzo, 4. Willard, 3. Ben, 2. Templeton, 1. Stephen Miller.
There's an animal in French Guiana that blows itself up when faced with danger
–– Dyno-mite.
Scientists filmed something outrageous riding on a shark
–– Fonzie!
We’ve finally discovered how your brain differs from a chimp’s: new study
–– Yours? Not at all.
Jury convicts thief who stole golden toilet from English palace
–– Throne for a loop.
Using Drones for Peeping, Burglaries on Rise: “It’s Gotten Dramatically Worse”
–– Hot pics of avian sex.
UFO whistleblower believes Trump’s 2nd term will reveal further proof
–– Massive alien abduction is one explanation for his administration.
Once-‘stranded’ astronauts are hours away from splashdown. Catch up on the saga so far
–– Like a really, really boring Gravity.
Pod of Dolphins Greets NASA Astronauts
–– Even they’re laughing at them.
A Team of Scientists Is Trapped at Isolated Antarctic Base for 10 Months. 1 of Them Just Attacked and Threatened Others: Report
–– Here's The Thing.
Massive landlocked body of water resurfaces after more than a century: 'The land needs that lake'
–– It was hiding underwater?
Glaciers are melting at record speed, says UN
–– Go with the floe.
After pouring $450 million into Florida real estate, Larry Ellison plans to lure the ultra-rich to an exclusive town just minutes from Mar-a-Lago
–– Even Main Street will need boat slips.
More than 400 Fish & Wildlife employees were fired on a call. Here's what they were told.
–– You’re fired?
Gene Hackman’s Wife Died at Least a Day Later Than Originally Thought
–– For ghouls keeping score.
Wings Hauser, ‘Y&R’ actor and father of ‘Yellowstone’ star Cole Hauser, dies at 77
–– Angel Wings.
John A. Hemingway, Last Survivor of the Battle of Britain, Dies at 105
–– Bailed out.
George Foreman, Boxing Champion and Grill Spokesperson, Dies at 76
–– KO'd.
