Beef Stooge
Week of 02/28/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
No suit, no lunch, no respect: Zelenskyy-Trump feud started with a fashion dig
–– Redefined dressing down.
Elon Musk has another child, a boy
–– Telepathically!
Zelenskyy leaves White House early after furious meeting where Trump claims he ‘disrespected US’ and is not ready for peace
–– How do you disrespect incontinent pig in his sty?
Zelensky leaves White House after stunning shouting match with Trump and Vance leaves talks in tatters
–– Stunned double.
European leaders renew support for Ukraine after Zelenskyy's stormy meeting with Trump
–– No bully for them?
Zelensky Pushes Back Against U.S. Mineral Deal and Announces European Summit
–– Zinc or swim.
Trump Embarrassed Himself, the Nation, and Every Thinking Human on Earth
–– While making every MAGArian proud.
Musk DOMINATES Trump's First Cabinet Mtg, $5 million CITIZENSHIP GOLD Card to lower NATIONAL DEBT?
–– The Hill discovers ALL CAPS.
Hot mic catches Trump urging Fox News reporter to say Cabinet meeting was ‘unbelievable’
–– Who could disagree about something that so defied reality?
Trump will have a physical next month, his doctor says
–– Desperately needs check-up from neck-up.
How Elon Musk Executed His Takeover of the Federal Bureaucracy
–– Muskled in.
Billionaires earning $10 billion per day in January are suddenly watching their net worth get wiped out—Elon Musk has lost $90 billion alone
–– This week in 'Awww!'
Watch Trump Tell Fox News Reporter To Gush Over Cabinet Meeting After It's Over
–– And then let him gush all over face.
Federal Workers Will Get Another Email Asking Them to Detail Accomplishments
–– Laboring over exaggerated summaries of work already finished for faceless bureaucrats essence of efficiency.
Elon Musk says upgrade of FAA’s air traffic control system is failing and SpaceX needs to take over Verizon’s contract
–– This week in ‘Coinkydinks.’
Donald Trump’s Oval Office ‘Infomercial’ Has Critics ― And RFK Jr. ― Cringing So Hard
–– Even worm threw up a little in brain.
Trump, Again, Chooses Loyalty Over Leadership
–– Consistent like cancer.
Graham: House budget proposal needs ‘major overhaul’
–– 'Idn't that right, Mistuh President? May ah say that, Your Lordship? Which nut ya need scratched, Beloved One?'
Trump Tells CPAC His Goal Is a ‘Lasting’ Republican Majority
–– A thousand day Reich.
A new document undercuts Trump admin's denials about $400 million Tesla deal
–– Search on for document that confirms anything he's said.
Right-Wing Commentator Named F.B.I. Deputy Director
–– #2 with the bullshit.
FBI Deputy Director Bongino repeatedly said pipe bombs planted ahead of Jan. 6 were ‘inside job’
–– Inside his head.
Jimmy Kimmel Calls Out “Klan Mom” Marjorie Taylor Greene For Saying “Federal Employees Don’t Deserve Their Jobs”: “Aren’t You A Federal Employee?”
–– Cracked House whore.
Newly sworn-in FBI Director Kash Patel welcomes Dan Bongino as deputy director: 'He’s a cops cop'
–– Cops plea cop.
Fox News correspondent slams Trump administration for new press access rules that ‘gives power to the White House’
–– Fox News part of press now?
GOP Senator Has Cold Reaction to Constituents Fired From Federal Jobs
–– Except hard-on suffering gives him.
Jobless claims spike, in worrisome sign for the US labor market
–– Trump hump bump.
Mass layoffs of federal workers could hurt families and local economies — but may not dent the overall economy
–– Trump can destroy without.
Everyone Is Laughing at Pam Bondi’s ‘Epstein Files’ Flop
–– Epstein ‘Bah’ syndrome.
Biden’s former WH spokesperson Karine Jean-Pierre says he was forced to drop out by ‘firing squad’
–– Ready, aim, shoot party in foot.
Jayapal slammed for telling Americans to 'think about who picked' their food in anti-deportation remarks
–– How dare she finally get something right!
RFK Jr. Dismisses Measles Outbreak As ‘Not Unusual’ After Child's Death
–– And ‘kinda cute.’
How Much Is Vice President JD Vance Worth? The Answer May Shock You
–– -0?
Pennsylvania, the swing state that defies conventional wisdom
–– Really any wisdom.
After laying groundwork for months, Andrew Cuomo is said to be on the verge of entering the race for New York City Mayor
–– Race straps on chastity belt.
Feud between New York's governor and her No. 2 boils over
–– In messy bathroom incident.
Hegseth: Trump Will Install New Military Attorneys Who Won’t Be ‘Roadblocks to Anything’
–– Armed forces mission: ‘Anything.’
Pete Hegseth Snaps at Reporter Asking About ‘Underqualified’ Military Chief
–– Identify much?
House DOGE hearing erupts over Democrat deeming Trump 'grifter in chief,' referring to 'President Musk'
–– DOGE howling.
Tulsi Gabbard is firing trans federal employees for “sex chats” that never happened
–– Although idea of it makes her tingle.
U.S. votes against U.N. resolution condemning Russia for Ukraine war
–– Stalin for time.
Two Trump officials decline to say Russia started the war in Ukraine
–– Accuses them of felonious 'asking for it.'
State Department terminates U.S. support of Ukraine energy grid restoration
–– Putin didn’t even have to say, ‘Please.’
Putin warns Europe against sabotaging US-Russia rapprochement
–– Threatened to send in North Koreans.
’We’re Your True Friends,’ Xi Tells Putin, as Trump Courts Russia
–– Sends gift of bamboo to stick under dissidents fingernails.
Trump says he doesn't use the word dictator lightly and doesn't say if Putin is one
–– Trump's definitely one, Putin two.
Trump administration retreats in fight against Russian cyber threats
–– Emails Fancy Bear usa.gov pass codes.
Friedrich Merz, a Conservative, Is Poised to Be Germany’s Next Chancellor
–– Country experiences weltschMerz.
Hamas Official Expresses Reservations About Oct. 7 Attack on Israel
–– What’s to regret?
North Korea steals $1.5bn as it pulls off world’s biggest ever heist
–– US official response: ‘We’re jealous.’
Pope Francis will be remembered as pope of mercy: 'Father Rocky' | Morning in America
–– Francis, "I'm-a not dead-a yet.'
Jamie Dimon hasn’t got a problem with WFH in theory: In fact he says it’s a right—the issue is when it doesn’t work
–– Dimon minds.
Lester Holt to Exit ‘NBC Nightly News’ After Decade Behind the Desk
–– Holt out for shorter workweek.
Trump Rages at MSNBC, Joy Reid and ‘Lowlife’ Comcast CEO Brian Roberts: Company Should ‘Be Forced to Pay Vast Sums of Money’ for ‘Damage They’ve Done to Our Country’
–– Every so often sorta funny to remember, these are sentiments of Leader of Free World.
Joy Reid and Alex Wagner Axed From MSNBC Lineup in Major Network Shakeup
–– The Reid out?
Keith Olbermann Slams MSNBC for Cutting Ties With Joy Reid and Other POC Hosts: ‘A Purge So Brutally Racist It Makes You Think It Was Done by Musk’
–– No Joy in Muddleville.
–– Post apocalyptic.
Monica Lewinsky says Bill Clinton should’ve resigned from office after affair in new podcast interview
–– Stain true to herself.
Tatum O’Neal Is Still Here: The Oscar Winner on Surviving Addiction, a Stroke and Coming to Terms With Being Left Out of Her Father’s Will
–– Sorry, we stopped after bombshell first line.
Chelsea Handler Says She Hung Out With George W. Bush ‘High as a Kite’ and Was Surprised to Learn ‘He Was a Nice Guy’
–– Dumb as a post.
Chelsea Handler says she 'dodged a bullet' when former NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo ghosted her
–– He dodged carpet bomb.
Chris Pratt says Arnold Schwarzenegger's tough parenting and harsh punishments made wife Katherine more strict
–– Why she often warns kids after punishment, 'I'll be back.'
Martin Scorsese Urges Italy’s President and Prime Minister to Save Rome Cinemas From Being Turned Into Malls and Hotels: It’s ‘Utterly Unacceptable’
–– 'Pizzerias, casinos –– that's the ticket.'
Halle Berry says she’s ‘tired’ of being the only Black woman to have won the best actress Oscar
–– She could give to many others more deserving.
‘Madame Web’ leads Razzies wins for the best of the worst in movies
–– It was available on Amazon for my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died.
Star Trek's William Shatner Reveals He's Been Approached To Reprise Captain Kirk, And I Have A Theory About How The Character Could Return
–– In a box?
Timothée Chalamet Wins SAG Award for Best Actor and Says ‘I Want to Be One of the Greats’: ‘I’m in Pursuit of Greatness’
–– Like a complete unknowing.
Look of the Week: The hidden meaning in Millie Bobby Brown’s blonde blowout
–– We quiz tonsorial cryptographers.
Lizzy Caplan Says Axed ‘Gambit’ Movie Was Supposed to Be “a ’30s Kind of Screwball Romantic Comedy”
–– With axe we assumed screwball horror film.
What Really Drove Barbara Broccoli to Break Up With James Bond?
–– Superspy banging other producers?
Wu-Tang Clan Announce ‘Final Tour’ Dates: ‘Wu-Tang Forever: The Final Chamber’
–– Chamber’s empty.
‘Mortified’ Khloé Kardashian was once scolded by Kris Jenner for not performing sex act with NBA player
–– As if she were capable of shame.
In the state of hockey, climate change leads to fewer skating rinks
–– The puck stops here.
Don’t drink water only when you’re thirsty and other expert-backed hydration tips
–– We have personal hydration expert on permanent call.
Clothed troublemakers are banned from nudist beaches in Germany
–– For unbareable behavior.
Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater Is Leaking. Inside the $7 Million Job to Fix It.
–– Wouldn’t Leakingwater name change be cheaper?
Couple Had to Sit Next to Body After Woman Died Midflight
–– Were offered her snacks, meal.
Illinois landlord charged with hate crime and murder of 6-year-old Palestinian American boy set for trial
–– That's all you've got on this guy?
He died before Louisiana could execute him, and he might not be the last
–– Or maybe they'll be another. Or he might be next to last. Perhaps after another guy who was erroneously pronounced dead?
Gunman who held Pennsylvania hospital staff hostage felt more could have been done to save his terminally ill wife
–– Got bed sore.
Officials issue warning after brutal kangaroo attack leaves man hospitalized: 'We urge people to stay away'
–– We live 10,000 miles away and will.
Fisherman horrified after catching baffling ‘alien’ animal from the ocean depths
–– Poor schmuck sounds baffled.
US Fish and Wildlife is begging you to eat more invasive marsh rodents
–– Provide nutriational information.
Experts sound alarm over insects laying massive amounts of eggs: 'It's very concerning
–– Can they be scrambled, served with sausage?
Deadly is the female: 11 ferocious female animals that you wouldn't want to mess with
–– She bop.
A flooded quarry, a mysterious millionaire and the dream of a new Atlantis
–– In latest crappy Bond knockoff.
Drax CEO wants to move ‘more quickly’ on renewable energy overhaul
–– Another Bond villain?
Americans and the economy will suffer the impact of NOAA layoffs, scientists fear. ‘People will die.’
–– Now you’re getting idea.
Living with extreme heat make you age faster
–– Like smoking –– while on fire.
Here are three common recycling myths you should discard
-– Of course 85% will end up in landfill.
Japan battles largest wildfire in decades
–– You’d almost think there was pattern.
The Golden Age of Antarctic Science May be Ending
–– Trump heralds Yellow Age in snow.
Apple accused of misleading consumers with Apple Watch ‘carbon neutral’ claims
–– Or ‘mission accomplished.’
Sen. Kaine Excoriates Trump for Declaring a Bogus Energy Emergency
–– Administration running on enmity.
Exclusive: BP to ditch renewables goals and return focus to fossil fuels
–– After gaslighting consumers.
Michelle Trachtenberg, ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ and ‘Gossip Girl’ actress, dead at 39
–– Stakes low.
Boris Spassky, Soviet chess champion and Cold War symbol, dies at 88
–– Checked out.
Roberta Flack, ’70s R&B Vocalist Known for ‘Killing Me Softly,’ Dies at 88
–– Took it hard.
Olive Sturgess, Vincent Price’s Daughter in ‘The Raven,’ Dies at 91
–– Nevermore.
Oscar-winning actor Gene Hackman, his wife and their dog are found dead in their New Mexico home
–– Pop off Doyle.
Death of Hackman and wife 'suspicious enough' for investigation, police say
–– Authorities want to talk to Frog One.
Friends of Gene Hackman and wife say couple were ‘alive and well’ in recent meeting
–– ‘Dead and unwell’ would’ve been really suspicious.
