The Big Stealer
Week of 01/10/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump sentenced in hush money case, will not face jail or probation
–– Nation sentenced to 4 years of arrested development.
Trump’s Cabinet lineup so far is surprisingly pro-animal
–– Rat, specifically.
Donald Trump Sentenced to 'Unconditional Discharge' for His Felonies. Here's What That Means
–– He can again take dump on Justice system with impunity.
Divided Supreme Court clears way for Trump's criminal sentencing in NY hush money case
–– Four conservatives dissent based on precedent in Bootlicker v. Sycophant.
Rep. Mike Johnson tells House Republicans Trump wants them to pass a single reconciliation bill
–– Johnson reconciled to being his messenger boy.
Donald Trump huddles with Senate Republicans as GOP leaders disagree on how to pass his agenda
–– Equivalent to biggest kidney stone in human history.
The crisis of democracy is really a crisis for the left
–– Trump’s Progressive?
“They don’t love our country": Trump rages over half-mast flags for Carter
–– Threatens to have military deport flagpoles.
‘Backbiting,’ ‘drama’ won’t be tolerated in Trump White House: Wiles
–– ‘Felony battery’, ‘grand opera’ will.
Donald Trump May Try to 'Run the Nation from Mar-a-Lago': 'He Is Blissfully Happy in Palm Beach' (Exclusive Source)
–– Classic pig in shit.
Trump's golf-resort liquor licenses may be one reason he's fighting to block a no-jail hush-money sentence
–– President of the United States we’re talking about.
Trump to declare national economic emergency in order to push through tariffs, report says
–– And allow him unlimited access to Federal Reserve Bank.
VP-elect JD Vance jokes with Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene that his mom makes her 'look like a Democrat'
–– Martin Van Buren, specifically.
Pete Hegseth has enough votes to become nation’s Secretary of Defense, top Republican tells Trump
–– And enough points at bar for 6 cases of rye.
Duckworth: Trump’s Pentagon pick has less experience than Applebee’s manager
–– Expert in sexually harassing co-workers.
Mexico drops migrants in troubled resort as it disperses them far from US border
–– Guests get to use as patio furniture.
‘I don't feel safe anywhere.' California moves to aid undocumented students as fears surge
–– But do you feel the burn?
Trump refuses to rule out military force to acquire Greenland and the Panama Canal
–– Or divination or necromancy.
Gulf of America? Trump says he'll change name of 'Gulf of Mexico'
–– Not Gulf of Golf with new courses all along shores?
Trump Jr. to visit Greenland amid father’s talk of U.S. buying island
–– Like Leif Aholeson.
Don Jr. was told the ‘whole town’ would show up for his Greenland arrival. It appears they did not
–– Didn’t see all Huldufólk?
As Trump eyes Greenland, Danish king makes it bigger on his coat of arms
–– Has Alley Oop pose for wild men.
"Would really be something”: Trump muses about annexing Canada and going to war for Greenland
–– Yes: insane.
The Kremlin said Greenland is in Russia's sphere of 'national and strategic interests' — and it's got its eye on Trump's claims on the territory
–– As is every land mass within 3,200 miles.
ESPN’s Stephen A Smith claims Americans can ‘relate’ to Trump ‘talking smack’ about Canada
–– Only ones on smack.
Giuliani found in contempt, again, in $148 million defamation case
–– Unsurprising for someone so contemptible.
Democrats under fire for not sounding alarm earlier on Biden
–– Republicans for not putting out Trump after January 6.
Biden said he told Trump not to ‘settle scores’ during transition meeting
–– Like telling Avengers not to 'Assemble.'
Biden to ban offshore oil, gas drilling in vast areas ahead of Trump term
–– Including Gulf of America?
Biden awards Medal of Freedom to Soros, Ralph Lauren and others
–– Fox reports Soros will melt his down for dubloons to fund trans-immigrant pirate raids on oil refineries in Gulf.
Ralph Lauren Makes Fashion History With Top Civilian Honor
–– And Polo logo he added to medal.
MAGAworld tries to defend Nebraska senator’s husband after he refuses to shake hands with Harris: ‘He had a cane!’
–– 'Why didn't he hit her with it?!'
Carville slams Democrats’ use of ‘NPR language’ after Harris loss
–– Nowadays it's either that or 'Fox blather.'
Trump hails Italy’s PM as a ‘fantastic woman’ as she visits him in Florida
–– Praises Meloni 'melons.'
Apple CEO Tim Cook Is Donating $1 Million to Donald Trump’s Inauguration Fund
–– Apple polisher.
Washington Post Cartoonist Ann Telnaes Quits After Bezos-Owned Paper Kills Trump Satire Piece
–– Bezos overnighted reward to editor Shipley.
Washington Post cartoonist resigns over paper’s refusal to publish cartoon critical of Jeff Bezos
–– Amazonked!
A top Iranian general said Russia was actually bombing the empty desert while saying it was attacking Syrian rebels
–– Thought Ayatollah Khameini said, 'destroy rat balls!'
UK leader hits back at Elon Musk’s ‘lies’ over handling of child sex abuse scandal
–– Taking time to answer deranged industrialist is first duty of PM.
Honduras suggests ending US military cooperation over Trump mass deportation threat
–– Hope fear of losing coke supply will sway troops.
Hoda Kotb, American everywoman
–– ‘Everywoman’ who can’t stop maniacally smiling.
Hoda Kotb’s Final ‘Today’ Show Celebrated With Laughs and Tears: ‘Thank You From the Bottom of My Very Full Heart’
–– Is overloaded heart why she's leaving?
Golden Globes host Nikki Glaser roast celebrities who can do anything but 'tell people who to vote for'
–– Or make tenses agree like Fox News.
Angelina Jolie walks away $80 million richer after dragging Brad Pitt 'through ringer' in eight-year divorce battle
–– Left bottomless Pitt.
Pamela Anderson Says a Man Nearly Killed Her After Mistaking Her for a Member of The Chicks
–– Dixie cuffed.
Demi Moore ‘Shocked’ by Golden Globe Win, Calls Out Producer Who Once Called Her a ‘Popcorn’ Actress: ‘That Corroded Me Over Time’
–– So she in turn corroded movies.
David Spade was shocked by current “SNL” cast being so lax with Lorne Michaels: 'That floors me'
–– He is 80 and doddering.
‘Star Wars’ Child Actor Jake Lloyd is Feeling ‘Pretty Good’ About His Mental Health 17 Years After Schizophrenia Diagnosis: ‘Everyone’s Been Very Supportive’
–– ‘To both of us.’
Paris Jackson Has ‘Gratitude’ After 5 Years Sober From Heroin, Alcohol
–– Shouts out H, Jim Beam.
Florence Pugh Says ‘I Can’t Do’ Roles Like ‘Midsommar’ Again Because ‘I Definitely Felt Like I Abused Myself’ and ‘That Was Too Much’
–– We always know if we abused selves.
Robert De Niro Says Mornings Nowadays Are Spent Watching Ms. Rachel with His 20-Month-Old Daughter
–– Like many 81-year-olds without children.
Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson Come Face to Face at Golden Globes; Diesel Shouts Out Co-Star on Stage After Infamous 'Fast and Furious' Feud
–– Got Dieselpunk'd.
James Mangold’s ‘Star Wars’ Movie Is Set 25,000 Years Before ‘Phantom Menace’ So That It’s Not ‘Handcuffed by Lore’: Then ‘You Can’t Please Anybody’
–– Current fan timeline only reaches 22,000 years.
Alan Ritchson Goes Undercover and Finds Big Trouble in New Trailer for ‘Reacher’ Season 3
–– As brick shithouse?
It turns out Blake Lively isn't a perfect victim. So now we don't believe her? | Opinion
–– She is perfectly uninteresting.
Brooke Shields Reveals Doctor Performed Intimate Surgery Without Her Consent
–– Or cuntsent.
Awards season frontrunner 'Emilia Pérez' is being criticized after winning Golden Globes over 'Wicked.' Here's the controversy explained.
–– Cis boom bah.
‘Wicked’ Director Jon M. Chu Defends ‘For Good’ Sequel Title: ‘Who Wants a Movie Called “Wicked: Part Two”?
–– Who wants it at all?
Former 'Jerry Springer' producers recall how they manipulated guests for drama: 'This was basically the Stanford Prison Experiment'
–– Treated them like Springer’s spaniels.
Hulk Hogan Booed Heavily During ‘Monday Night Raw’ Netflix Debut
–– Hulk smashed.
Skip Bayless Accused of Offering Hairstylist $1.5 Million for Sex in Harassment Lawsuit
–– Sounds babeless.
Meta says it will follow X, replace fact-checking with community notes
–– Following X always smartest, most ethical route.
Mark Zuckerberg: Meta Will End Fact-Checking Program, Says It’s “Too Politically Biased”
–– Quoting Trump.
What’s Behind Meta’s MAGA Makeover?
–– Terror of Trump.
The do’s and don’t of the unruly New York Post
–– Only one 'don’t'?
Did the Beanie Baby Founder Destroy a Bauhaus Masterpiece?
–– And not just by covering in plush toys?
Macy’s is closing 66 locations. See if your store is on the list
–– That shit has sale.
What Matters More for Longevity: Genes or Lifestyle?
–– Don’t worry, this won’t tell you.
New Orleans attacker’s bombs were designed to cause ‘absolute carnage’
–– Thought they were part of street beautification project.
2 Bodies Found in JetBlue Plane’s Landing Gear at Fort Lauderdale Airport
–– Angels believed to be way off course.
New Orleans assailant said in videos to his family that he considered killing them before conducting attack
–– Didn’t know whether to be insulted or relieved.
What is jury nullification and what does it mean for Luigi Mangione’s defense?
–– And why is CNN trying to help scumbag’s defense?
Two death row inmates reject Biden's commutation of their life sentences
–– More brilliant life decisions.
Man who attacked D.C. pizza parlor in 2016 is killed by police in N.C.
–– Cops deliver.
Catalytic converter thief shouted 'No!' before accomplice shot Johnny Wactor, police say
–– Whacked ‘im.
Subway Victim’s Fiery End Stuns Friends From Her Happy Past
–– Went out in blaze of gory.
Man Was 'Cooked on Asphalt' and Got 3rd Degree Burns When Phoenix Cops Pinned Him During Arrest: Attorney
–– Aren't suspects often given 3rd degree?
Could Monkeys Really Type All of Shakespeare?
–– Maybe Much Ape Doo About Nothing, The Macaque of Venice, A Midsummer Nits Dream, Chimpeline.
Embattled L.A. Mayor Suffers Brutal On-Air Moment as Wildfires Rage
–– Karen bash.
Newsom orders investigation into dry fire hydrants that hampered firefighting in L.A.
–– Did he feel pressure?
LA's fire chief is at the center of a public spat with City Hall as wildfires rage
–– Wish all the spitting could quench flames.
Ben Affleck's Pacific Palisades Home He Bought Amid His Divorce Is In Danger As Celebs Flee Wildfire
–– Now it feels real.
Selena Gomez Pop-Up Postponed As Wildfires Spread in L.A.: “Our Hearts Are With California”
–– Oh, the humanity!
Actor Steve Guttenberg shares harrowing LA wildfire experience
–– Has to spell name twice to reporter.
L.A. Wildfires Turn Political: Karen Bass, Gavin Newsom Draw Heat Over Response
–– This weak in tepid metaphors.
Mel Gibson’s Malibu House Burned Down While He Was in Austin for Joe Rogan Interview: “My Place Looked Like Dresden”
–– Interesting identification with fire-bombed Nazis.
Harry and Meghan Urge Others to Open Homes to L.A. Fire Victims: “People Have Been Left With Nothing”
–– Thank God their PR team got this vital message published in Hollywood Reporter.
ABC insiders ‘embarrassed and horrified’ over David Muir’s alleged ‘narcissistic’ fashion move while covering LA wildfires
–– Gonna clothes-pin that on him?
Jimmy Carter's Funeral Motorcade Pauses in Front of His Boyhood Home as Farm Bell Is Rung 39 Times
–– Hogs complain about ruckus.
Carter Never Took to Washington. The Feeling Was Mutual.
–– In that way he was populist.
Gerald Ford, in eulogy read by son, calls Carter his ‘old friend’
–– Respect, dignity so last century.
Carter funeral brings Trump together with presidents he’s criticized
–– Classic skunk at funeral.
Donald Trump on interaction with Barack Obama: ‘I don’t know, we just got along’
–– Barry acting nice just to needle Michelle.
–– Only so much tragedy nation can bare.
Jean-Marie Le Pen, founder of France’s far-right National Front party, dies at 96
–– Seuls les bons meurent jeunes.*
Bill Byrge, Who Played Bobby in ‘Ernest’ Movies, Dies at 92
–– Iced Byrge.
Richard Foreman was the Willy Wonka of weird theater
–– Foreman grilled.
Sam Moore, Half of Sam & Dave Duo That Rose to Fame With ‘Soul Man’ and ‘Hold On I’m Comin’,’ Dies at 89
–– No Moore.
Peter Yarrow, Singer With Folk Legends Peter, Paul & Mary and Co-Writer of ‘Puff the Magic Dragon,’ Dies at 86
–– Puff dead he.
* Only the good die young.
