Allied Farces
Week of 01/31/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
‘People Will Be Shocked’: Trump Tests the Boundaries of the Presidency
–– And limits of human decency.
American Children’s Reading Skills Reach New Lows
–– Thats a reel surprize.
Trump to impose tariffs on imports from Canada, Mexico and China
–– Is his horse advising him already?
Colgate looking to reduce the impact of possible tariffs on toothpaste made in Mexico
–– Need tardtard fighting formula for Trump.
Booze, oil and orange juice: How Canada could fight Trump tariffs
–– Offer fewer apologies?
’Fear’ and 'chaos' grip federal workers as Trump rapidly remakes the government
–– Into executive board of Trump Entertainment Resorts.
Trump’s ‘Flood the Zone’ Strategy Leaves Opponents Gasping in Outrage
–– Especially when with human waste.
Trump Change Causes Flood of Crude Spam Emails to Federal Workers
–– Indistinguishable from Executive Orders.
Trump officials issue quotas to ICE officers to ramp up arrests
–– Kind of minority quotas they love.
Trump orders sanctions on Colombia after it refuses deportation flights
–– Threatens to have Don Jr. switch suppliers.
Trump signs sweeping executive orders that overhaul U.S. education system
–– Feels reading skills just not low enough to sustain MAGA Revolution.
Someone Asked Mark Cuban About Cancer Research Being Canceled; His Surprising Answer: 'Trump Is Doing What You Do After Acquiring A Company'
–– This from one of ‘good’ billionaires.
Why McKinley makes an alarming Trump presidential role model
–– Not because of assassination.
Lindsey Graham Says Trump Was Wrong to Pardon Violent Jan. 6 Rioters
–– The worm turns our stomach.
Melania Trump’s New Portrait Breaks With the Past
–– Ushers in era of Neo-Botox.
Pete Hegseth Is Confirmed as Defense Secretary By Slim Margin
–– Slim margin will be vilified by history.
Pete Hegseth Gives US Troops New Marching Orders Hours After Confirmation
–– Adds little goose to their step.
Defense agency bans Black History Month and other 'special observances'
–– Every day White Nationalist celebration.
Caroline Kennedy warns senators of ‘predator’ RFK Jr. in searing letter
–– Really stopped Hegseth nomination cold.
RFK Jr. and Bernie Sanders Get Into Screaming Match Over Big Pharma
–– Both could use scrip for Xanax.
"AI nurses" as "good as any doctor": RFK Jr. confirms he wants to take away people's health care
–– As good as AI worms?
Marjorie Taylor Greene has meltdown when reporter asks her about Jan 6 pardons
–– Was already puddle of toxic goo.
Pro-Musk Scott Jennings Is Dared to Repeat ‘Nazi Salute’ During On-Air Brawl
–– Made him wet swastika undies.
Here’s How Much You Would Get If Musk, Buffett and Bezos Shared Their Fortunes
–– Measured in Nazi gold.
Elon Musk claims full self driving is so advanced Tesla owners are turning it off and steering with their knees to check text messages
–– And that’s good thing?
Elon Musk takes the return to office to new extremes—he claims he’s turned DOGE’s D.C. headquarters into his bedroom
–– And utility closet into Ayahuasca Lodge.
Former Sen. Bob Menendez slams 11-year prison sentence, says "Trump is right"
–– Criminals understand him perfectly.
New York Magazine Called Out For Cropping Black Partygoers Out of Image for MAGA Youth Cover Story
–– Self-haters gonna hate.
Denmark “In Crisis Mode” After Terrible Trump Phone Call on Greenland
–– Threaten to get all broody.
Trump sabotages his own idea for lasting peace in Ukraine
–– Wait, war’s not over yet?
With Trump’s return, Ukraine renews push to seize Russia’s frozen billions
–– What’s Trump’s cut?
Lukashenko sweeps to victory in Belarus after stage-managed election
–– Entitled An Enemy of the People.
Man who staged Quran burning protests in Sweden shot dead, authorities say
–– This week in ‘Coinkydinks.’
Google Maps says U.S. users will see Trump’s new name for Gulf of Mexico
–– When you search Land of Make-believe.
Jim Acosta to Exit CNN Amid Programming Shake-Up
–– Was there anything else Mr. President would like …?
Chuck Todd exiting NBC News after nearly 20 years as Trump starts second term
–– … Ah, yes, of course.
Jamie Dimon Talks Income Inequality, Saying 'The Wrong Part Is That The Bottom 30% Didn't Do Better'
–– ‘The lazy scum.’
JPMorgan Chase workers grouse over measly bonuses, 2% pay bumps as bank reels in record $58.5 billion in profits
–– ‘They’re lazy scum.’
Apple CEO Tim Cook follows a strict routine, including eating at the same cafeteria most days. Experts say it’s a driving factor behind his success
–– It’s all that bran cereal.
What is DeepSeek and why is it disrupting the AI sector?
–– Deepsick.
A.I. Will Empower Humanity
–– And your wallet.
Jeff Bezos gave $100 million to actress Eva Longoria and the retired admiral who oversaw the capture of Osama bin Laden to use as they see fit
–– And $200 mil to Laura Sanchez to specifically fix face.
Denis Leary Recalls Learning He’s Related to Conan O’Brien: “We Look Like Two Irish Aunts”
–– Born of brother and sister.
‘Fall of Diddy’ Directors on Getting People to Speak in Doc: “The Fear Has Been Incredibly Palpable”
–– Shakes? Sweats? Hershey squirts?
Megan Thee Stallion Puts Assets on Display in Barely-There Chainlink Dress
–– With dink in armor.
Lena Dunham Strikes Netflix Deal, Talks Rom-Com Series ‘Too Much’
–– We bet it's not enough.
Chappell Roan keeps recalculating the price of fame
–– With this.
Jewel answers critics who felt ‘let down’ by her decision to perform at inauguration event
–– And others who labeled her ‘a stupid twat.’
Selena Gomez Tearfully Pleads Against Donald Trump’s Immigration Orders
–– Thrilling every one of his fans.
Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni Feud: ‘A Pure PR Play’ With Real Legal Stakes
–– Pubic Relations?
Anthony Mackie Clarifies He Is a ‘Proud American’ After Viral Captain America Comment: ‘I Have the Utmost Respect for Those Who Serve and Have Served Our Country’
–– ‘And really hope they buy a ticket!’
Cardi B shows off new butt crack piercing after fans cast doubt: ‘Do I lie?’
–– Shoots the moon.
Pamela Anderson Morphs Into the Ultimate Office Siren as ELLE’s February 2025 Digital Cover Star
–– At Senior Living Facility.
You Can’t Ignore Pamela Anderson’s Face
–– Watch us.
Madonna trying standup is no joke: she’s a natural comedian and genuine kook
–– And looks increasingly like clown.
Sharon Stone's 'Mind Is Completely Blown' After Learning Her Relative Is 'One of the Most Important People in History' (Exclusive)
–– Charlamagne the Gawd!
Ben Stiller Removed Chairs From ‘Walter Mitty’ Set, Has a ‘No Phones’ Rule on ‘Severance’ Because ‘It Drives Me Crazy’
–– And ‘no sense’ rule for scripts.
Lady Gaga Addresses Harsh ‘Joker 2’ Reviews: “People Just Sometimes Don’t Like Some Things”
–– That stink.
Orlando Bloom Says Keira Knightley Did ‘Wonderful Things’ in ‘Pirates’ Movies After She Revealed ‘I Was Seen as S—‘ and ‘Taken Down Publicly’ Because of Them
–– Offscreen?
Savannah Chrisley Doesn't Know Where Dad Todd Will Go Once Prison Facility Closes Down: 'It Breaks My Heart'
–– Con amore.
Teenage snowboarder Hiroto Ogiwara makes history by landing remarkable first ever 2340
–– Claim spin doctors.
Weight Tossed in Indoor Hammer Throw Event Kills Spectator at Track Meet
–– Bystander swore they heard, ’I got it!’
Tottenham Hotspur Could Appoint Former Man United Boss as Ange Postecoglou Replacement – Report
–– Just so fans can pronounce name.
Ravens' Justin Tucker accused of sexual misconduct by six massage therapists
–– There’s the rub.
“Oomf” Is The Newest Gen Z Affectionate Slang That's Taking Over The Internet — Here's What It Actually Means
–– Slang is dead.
You Know Emerson and Thoreau. Why Not Their Female Counterparts?
–– They weren’t very good?
Paris’ Louvre museum in dire state, problems ‘endanger’ art, director warns in plea for help
–– In the Loo-vre.
This go-to term for teamwork is now a no-no for the snobbery police
–– Fitting as ‘society’ itself dissolves.
I’m A 57-Year-Old Single Mom. Here's How I Became One Of The Most Popular Models On OnlyFans.
–– By humiliating son for rest of natural life.
Chins Are – In Hypermasculine jawlines are all the rage in Hollywood. They only cost $12,000.
–– Jawbone of an ass.
No, Those Bumps On Your Butt Aren't Acne—Here's How To Treat Them, According To Dermatologists
–– Did you look?
‘Do you want a little experience of stalking?’: what happened when Bear Grylls offered to ‘hunt’ me in a jungle
–– The most dangerous lame.
This San Diego married couple lives paycheck to paycheck on $500K-$600K a year — admits to $30K in monthly expenses
–– Sound unsavory.
Man Says He Apologized for Forgetting to Pay Friend Back for Dinner, But Had a Change of Heart After Getting Stern Text
–– Why’s Howard getting involved?
Mcdonald's Absolute Best Item Is A Dark Horse On The Breakfast Menu
–– We always figured they used horse.
Dr Pepper Is Reportedly Bringing Back 'Ungodly Good' Fan-Favorite Flavor
–– He's Doctor of Theology now?
Lay’s Classic potato chips recall elevated to highest FDA level over ‘deadly’ ingredient
–– Lay’s low.
Doritos' New Flavor Is In Our Top 5 Of All Time—See How The Rest Rank
–– Isn’t that ‘are rank’?
'Shrimp fraud' rampant at many Gulf Coast restaurants, new studies find
–– Randy Newman warned us.
Never Heard of Yogyakarta? It Might Be the Center of the Universe.
–– ‘Might’ doesn’t make right.
A Man Was Taking A Walk Along A Cliff. He Found ‘The World’s Most Famous Piece of Puke Ever.’
–– What was Matt Gaetz doing on Danish coast?
What we know about the American Airlines plane and Army helicopter crash over D.C.'s Potomac River
–– Marks official start of Hegseth era at DOD.
Defense Sec. Pete Hegseth says ‘mistake was made’ during military training, regarding deadly crash
–– Really drills down.
Trump, Without Citing Evidence, Blames D.E.I. and Democrats for Plane Crash
–– Digs even deeper, hits rock bottom.
I wrote a $30,000 check to the IRS for tax payments — but it was stolen and cashed by a fraudster. What do I do now?
–– Abandon BS story, write legit check.
Man Dressed as a Construction Worker Shoots Woman in Her Driveway
–– Police try to build case.
Remains found off Ke Iki Beach identified as missing teen
–– Pronounce ‘key icky.’
Giant sturgeon attacks show mermaid in shocking video
–– Giant surgeon saves her.
This photographer spent three days photographing a dead hippo – and it won her Photographer of the Year
–– And lifetime of nightmares.
Increasing Jonah crab numbers a problem for lobster fishermen in parts of Nova Scotia
–– Jonah in whale numbers less so.
Alligator-like reptile relocated after being discovered in Toronto home
–– Even though he owned it!
First Time Cockatiel Experiences Sunshine After Spending 8 Years in a Basement Is Everything
–– Pained squawks as corneas fry really something.
Is this toilet the ultimate Anglo-Saxon status symbol? Inside Harold II’s ‘ensuite’
–– Ohh, check out that throne!
Astronomers find asteroid with 1% chance of hitting Earth: Should we be worried?
–– In 2032. Nah.
The strange cause of alien sightings in Mexico's Zone of Silence
–– Mezcal.
Marianne Faithfull, ‘As Tears Go By’ Singer, Dies at 78
–– UnFaithfull.
