Traitor Vics
Week of 02/07/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
How Elon Musk’s deputies took over the government’s most basic functions
–– Almost all of them alimentary.
4 explanations for Trump’s shocking Gaza proposal
–– 4. He’s. 3. A. 2. F**king. 1. Dimwit.
DOGE Gains Access To Medicare And Medicaid Systems: Elon Musk Says, 'This Is Where The Big Money Fraud Is Happening'
–– When he’s there.
Musk’s DOGE Teen Was Fired By Cybersecurity Firm for Leaking Company Secrets
–– Musk vets himself, changes shorts.
New Leak Reveals Musk Crony’s Plot to Revamp the Federal Government Using AI
–– Or 'hallucination-prone synthetic data.'
Musk to House Democrat absent on subpoena vote: ‘Don’t be a d‑‑‑’
–– ‘That’s my job!’
Federal workers must decide on deferred resignation offer today
–– Or not.
Elon Musk is a ‘special government employee.’ What does that mean?
–– Gets to wear toy Impossible Mission Force badge.
Elon Musk says DOGE staffer who resigned for racist X posts will be brought back
–– To break more laws and ultimately be indicted.
USAID security officials on leave after refusing access to Musk allies
–– Whatta you expect if you're gonna enforce the law?
Rubio asserts control of USAID, vows to end ‘insubordination’
–– Threatens detentions.
Trump Calls Directly for Closure of U.S.A.I.D.
–– Pure Id-iocy.
Joe Rogan cheers USAID shutdown weeding out 'weird, shady s---' in the government
–– Our preeminent geopolitical thinker weighs in.
Hear why Rwandan president says he 'completely agrees' with Trump on USAID
–– Opinion only cost 2 square meals, knock-off Rolex watch.
Trump turns on Time magazine after new cover shows Musk sitting behind his Resolute desk
–– In his diapers?
Trump Calls for ‘60 Minutes’ and CBS to Be ‘Terminated’
–– 1st Amendment pukes in own mouth.
Republicans eye dueling budget votes next week as Mike Johnson faces pressure to act
–– In reboot of Arrested Development.
Here are the words putting science in the crosshairs of Trump’s orders
–– Forget it, list's too long.
Trump to make himself chair of the Kennedy Center, says he'll dismiss board members
–– RFK Jr. offers to sit first, act as cushion.
Trump says he will announce reciprocal tariffs on many countries next week
–– Is still taping up world map, preparing darts to throw.
Trump’s Gaza Plan Is Unworkable, Analysts Say. Does He Really Mean It?
–– As if he knows.
Trump says he is in no rush on Gaza
–– No more absolutely moronic ‘ideas’?
Is This the End of Pax Americana?
–– Pax it in.
Jobs report shows a hiring slowdown as companies are acting like ‘they’re in a recession’
–– aka ‘an asylum.’
Lawmakers flooded with calls about Elon Musk: ‘It is a deluge on DOGE’
–– Kind of like Hercules and Augean Stables.
Rubio Floats Dark Plan to Deport U.S. Citizens to Third Country
–– Refuses to go down toilet.
U.S. soft power took decades to build. Trump is dismantling it in weeks.
–– Due to soft brain power.
In revoking Biden’s security clearance, Trump makes clear his motivation is payback.
–– Bitch slaps back.
Bondi seeks to reverse Biden death row commutations, accuses former president of 'undermining' justice system
–– This week in ‘howlers.’
’We Have No Coherent Message’: Democrats Struggle to Oppose Trump
–– And he does?!
Democrats have become the party of permissiveness. That’s ballot box poison.
–– You will read this next year, Rahm Emanuel, and feel like total a-hole.
Melania Trump 'Doesn’t Believe She Has Obligations in the Political World,' Source Says
–– Or real world.
Wall Street Journal slams Trump’s tariff plans: ‘The dumbest trade war in history’
–– He’ll be achieving all kinds of negative superlatives in next four years.
What Does Trump Really Want From Canada and Mexico?
–– Maple burrito bowls?
Canada and Mexico agree with Trump to postpone tariffs by at least 30 days
–– Hoping brain worm removes impulse by then.
Trump Calls Canada a Big Player in the Fentanyl Trade. Is It?
–– They’re naturally that slow.
Trump’s threat to annex Canada ‘a real thing,’ Trudeau tells business leaders
–– Like cancer, Coke.
Canada intercepts people trying to cross border in ‘incredibly cold’ conditions
–– America breathes collective sigh of relief.
Trump Officials Fire Jan. 6 Prosecutors and Plan Possible F.B.I. Purge
–– Promise to wear spooky masks.
Trump's transportation head says money for construction projects will flow to communities with high birth rates
–– Who’s living argument for abortion.
RFK Jr. Pops a Very Suspicious Pouch as He Rants About Making America Healthy Again
–– Needed nicotine hit because he couldn't have Trump dose him.
Mitch McConnell, 82, Taken Away in Wheelchair After Falling Twice
–– GOP: ‘Relax, that’s the way he rolls.’
Group of ‘concerned’ seniors escorted out of McConnell’s Lexington office
–– In wheelchairs!
Trump administration evicts former Coast Guard leader from her house with 3 hours notice
–– Had bags of oranges in case they needed to beat her, leave no marks.
GOP Congressman Apparently Forgot To Clean Face Before Going On Fox News
–– Zinke’s nose still covered with Trump brown?
Arizona Lawmaker Insists He's Immune From Receiving Speeding Tickets Because He's A State Senator
–– When that didn't work he tried turning self invisible.
Jamie Dimon says he didn't run for president because he knew winning the White House would mean barely seeing his family for 4 years
–– This week in ‘convenient delusions.’
Trump received morbid gift from Israel’s Prime Minister during White House visit
–– Dead beater to deadbeat.
Russia withdraws North Korean troops in Kursk after losses, Seoul says
–– Kursk! Foiled again.
Russian spy ship catches fire in Mediterranean, heard on audio issuing warning: "Please hear me"
–– We hear you: sink.
Anti-War Russian Musician Falls to Death During Police Search
–– This week in ‘coinkydinks.’
Trump's Justice Department ends Biden-era task force aimed at seizing assets of Russian oligarchs
–– For payment of few yachts.
Sweden plans tighter gun laws after deadly school shooting
–– NRA demands tariffs be imposed on Stockholm.
Iran's supreme leader rejects negotiations with Trump as 'not rational, intelligent or honorable'
–– First sane thing said in 36 years.
Chappell Roan Comes Down on Music Industry in Grammy Acceptance Speech: “Do You Got Us?”
–– Or 'get us?'
Bill Maher Pitches New Grammy Categories: “Best Song That Trump Got Sued for Playing at His Rallies”
–– Grammy goose.
Janelle Monáe Says “F*** You Nelly” for Singer’s Trump Inauguration Performance: “You Sold Out”
–– Nelly willy.
Bianca Censori wears “Emperor’s clothes” on Grammy red carpet, sparks outrage with “naked” look
–– If Emperor was Implantius I.
Meghan McCain blasts Ye as 'repugnant, vile piece of garbage,' says wife Bianca Censori 'looks like a victim' at Grammys
–– Ye olde sloppe.
Grammys 2025 producer weighs in on Bianca Censori’s near-naked look, dress code debate: ‘Up for interpretation’
–– Was it 'repugnant' or ‘vile?’
Don Lemon and Kanye West Face Off on Social Media After Controversial Grammys Appearance
–– Clash of the tit-ons.
Kanye West Said He Named His Upcoming Album “Bully” After Learning That His 9-Year-Old Son Saint West “Kicked” A Child For Being “Weak”
–– He’d prefer decapitation.
Singer Goes Full Trump In Her Outfit At The Grammys: ‘The Hat Stays On’
–– To protect from further brain shrinkage.
Why Karla Sofía Gascón’s Twitter Scandal Spells Trouble for the Oscars Ceremony
–– Not as much as 13 nominations for trans film even far left somehow hates.
Karla Sofía Gascón Says Tweet Calling ‘Emilia Pérez’ Co-Star Selena Gomez a ‘Rich Rat’ Is ‘Not Mine’: ‘I Would Never Refer to Her That Way’
–– Insists she said ‘rata’.
How Emilia Pérez Is Being Removed from the ‘Emilia Pérez’ Oscar Campaign
–– Transitioning out.
With Oscar-nominee 'Conclave' piquing interest, pope keeps dean of the College of Cardinals in place
–– Undoubtedly due to pulpy fantasy’s Best Pic nom.
Cynthia Erivo Denies Speaking With Academy About Performing ‘Wicked’ Songs at the Oscars: ‘I Don’t Know Why We Would Be Doing That’
–– Not Royal We’s thing?
Pharrell Williams, Michel Gondry Scrap Their Movie Musical at Universal in Postproduction (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Deserve Special Oscar for sparing public.
Lawsuit accuses author Neil Gaiman of rape, says wife trafficked nanny
–– Gaiman: the system.
Gigi Hadid’s Flipped Bob Is the Flippiest Bob to Ever Flip
–– As we flip off whover wrote this.
The Beatles won their eighth Grammy five decades after they broke up
–– Amusing side note: Taylor Swift has 14.
Demi Moore Getting ‘Cozy’ With Rumored New Flame Andrew Garfield: ‘The Spark Started Months Ago’
–– Had to use stones banged together.
Pete Davidson wants to have ALL his tattoos removed before 40
–– Include everything attached.
King Charles "Broke Down" Crying After an "Unusually Emotional" Conversation With Princess Anne
–– She fleetingly appeared human.
Anna Wintour takes off her iconic sunglasses for meeting with King Charles
–– Blinded by light, she curtsies to flower pot.
SZA to Release New 'Lana' Songs During the Super Bowl
–– Oh, goody!
Don’t hate Patrick Mahomes because he’s beautiful
–– Or us because we’re visually impaired.
Can you actually bet on the Puppy Bowl? We tackle the ruff Animal Planet question
–– Or how actually pathetic is your life?
Bill Maher Has Beef With NFL Games Airing on Streamers: “Kids of All Ages Hate This S***”
–– NFL passes the bucks.
Jamie Dimon says he was in a war room five times a day, every day for a year, starting at 5 a.m. and finishing at 10 p.m. during the financial crisis
–– Oh, the bravery of men who created crisis!
The New York Times Has Spent $10.8M In Its Legal Battle With OpenAI So Far
–– In real money?
I’m a divorce attorney — men are least likely to cheat if they work in these 3 industries
–– 2. Castration.
Why Gen X Women Are Having the Best Sex
–– So NY Times can pretend to be Cosmo.
I was doing a popular exercise for a bigger butt when I fractured my hip – don’t make my mistake
–– Don’t you worry.
I Drank 2.5 Liters Of Water A Day For A Week––Here’s How My Skin & Body Changed
–– After my bladder exploded.
Giving up sugar can change your body within days. Here’s how to start.
–– Prepare for miserableness.
Waffle House is placing a surcharge on every egg it sells
–– Customers with less than 10 teeth exempt.
5 meatloaf recipes, including classic takes and new twists
–– 4. Portnoy’s Cum Plate.
The Surprising Ingredient That Keeps My Guacamole From Browning (and No, It's Not Lime!)
–– Yes, it is urine.
What really happens to your body when you give up meat – even just briefly
–– Profound sadness.
Starbucks Just Made a Very Smart Decision—That McDonald’s Realized 77
Years Ago
–– Promoting dunking fries in coffee.
’Miracle On The Hudson' Pilot Has Just 3 Words For Trump's DC Crash Response
–– ‘Disgust’ among yourselves.
Texas teens arrested over TikTok prank asking elementary schoolers if they ‘wanted to be kidnapped’
–– Ransom harvest.
Michael Jordan's Son Tried To Let The Cops Know Who His Famous Father Is During DUI Arrest
–– Bulls chit.
Dog was ‘barely clinging to life’ along South Dakota road. See his transformation
–– Now ‘barely clinging to life’ in North Dakota.
The 36 Most Peaceful Dog Breeds, Ranked In Order (Lazy Dog Breeds Perfect For Couch Potatoes)
–– 3. German Snoozer. 2. Wire-haired Dozehund. 1. Old English Sleepdog.
These cities have big rat problems, and there’s one thing to blame
–– Big rats?
Neural pathway in mice sheds light on how the brain regulates learned immune responses
–– And lust for cheese.
This tiny strange, venomous creature's plush fur conceals deadly spines that inject potent toxin, causing lasting effects like headaches in human
–– We'll keepeye out.
An Alien Craft Spotted Over the Pacific Broke the Laws of Physics
–– We stopped reading 'news headline' after 'Alien.'
'BACK TO PLASTIC!': Trump says he will sign executive order ditching paper straws
–– Another suck job.
Record January warmth puzzles climate scientists
–– Headline puzzles readers shivering in longjohns.
Opinion: Trump’s offshore wind energy freeze: What states lose if the executive order remains in place
–– Um, er, energy?
2.2 billion gallons of water flowed out of California reservoirs because of Trump’s order to open dams
–– More water under the bitch.
Tony Roberts, affable sidekick of Woody Allen films, dies at 85
–– Kicked aside.
