Master of the House
Week of 01/03/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Republican Mike Johnson reelected House speaker after dramatic floor vote
–– Thrill as beaten dogs again obey master!
Elon Musk changes his name to Kekius Maximus on X
–– Try Frekius.
Marjorie Taylor Greene backs Johnson: ‘Let’s put aside the infighting’
–– ‘In the name of my Lord and Savior. Donald!’
New Majority Leader Thune kicks off Senate session with pledge to preserve filibuster
–– Thune, 'Enough.'
NY judge says Trump will face no penalties in his criminal hush money case but upholds conviction
–– That'll teach 'im!
Roberts warns against ignoring Supreme Court rulings as tension with Trump looms
–– After his court gave Trump permanent Get Out of Jail Free card.
John Roberts Absurdly Suggests the Supreme Court Has No ‘Political Bias’
–– Alito, Thomas even have political buyers.
US Supreme Court's Thomas will not be referred to Justice Department, judiciary say
–– Figure he'd been bought fair and square.
Why Trump and Elon Musk still want key administration officials to be confirmed without a floor vote
–– Want to keep them warm after being pulled from asses.
‘Trump is a little guy, Musk is a big guy’: historian predicts trouble for president-elect
–– Both moral gnats.
Musk says ‘hateful unrepentant racists’ must be removed from Republican Party as visa feud deepens
–– Not from Oval Office.
Elon Musk channels Hillary Clinton in calling Trump supporters ‘contemptible fools’ amid H-1B visa debate
–– While wearing white pant suit, sensible heels.
Retired Army general declares Musk a ‘national security risk’ in brutal NYT op-ed
–– Chinese checkers.
Musk defends demonetizing critics’ content on X
–– Et demonizing.
Sununu says Trump has ‘definitely not’ permanently changed the GOP
–– Was already racist, misogynist, plutocratic.
White House staffers describe mood as ‘depressing’ as Biden fights for legacy and pushes idea he could have beaten Trump
–– Gee, you’d think they’d be dancing in Rose Garden.
"It's a slap in the face": MAGA Republicans "highly offended" that Biden gave Liz Cheney award
–– Should’ve used oak plank.
Biden Blocks Sale of U.S. Steel to Nippon Steel
–– Nippon at his heels.
Borrowers cheer Biden’s record-setting student loan forgiveness, but left bitter with the system
–– Danke and bitter?
Federal Appeals Court Upholds Sexual Abuse And Defamation Verdict Against Donald Trump In E. Jean Carroll Case
–– One that found him guilty of rap… oops, we meant ‘digitally violating without consent.’
Man accused of attacking TV reporter, saying ‘This is Trump’s America now’
–– Trump, ‘And you should leave that to me.’
Wall Street Sees More Gains Ahead After Another Bumper Year for Stocks
–– Blame goldarn socialist president.
Mayor Adams clamps down on overtime fraud for city uniform services following NYPD sex-for-OT scandal
–– Players scored heavily in OT.
Syria to include all sectors in new government, foreign minister says
–– Every kind of bomb maker.
Fallen Syrian Dictator’s ‘Dying’ Wife Blocked From Cancer Treatment
–– How about treating her with contempt?
Putin Declares ‘Everything Will Be Fine’ Despite Russia’s Growing Challenges
–– ‘And the shit, it is still smelling great.’
Russia seized 1,600 square miles of Ukraine's territory in 2024 while losing 427,000 troops, ISW says
–– About 40 troops per square mile or, put another way, not enough.
Zelenskyy said 30% of the weapons and gear used by Ukraine's military in 2024 was domestically made
–– Weapons sector booming?
Azerbaijan demands Russia admit guilt for downing plane, pay compensation
–– Need crash course in Kremlinology.
Nearly all of Puerto Rico is without power on New Year's Eve
–– Pretty weak rest of the year.
Will Ferrell Dresses Up as Buddy the Elf With a Cigarette, Tells Reporter ‘It Was a Tough Holiday Season’
–– Elf feint in the room.
Pamela Anderson reminds Jamie Lee Curtis of her late mother, Janet Leigh
–– Says, ‘Remember when she was in Psycho?’
Jon Hamm Reacts to Andy Cohen Calling Him the “Male Nicole Kidman” During New Year’s Eve Special
–– Yeah, but he could move facial muscles if he wanted to.
Roy Wood Jr. Turns Down Andy Cohen’s Tequila Shot During CNN’s New Year’s Eve Special: “The Last Black Man to Drink on This Network Got Fired”
–– Cites Lemon lore.
Anderson Cooper Goes Quiet As Whitney Cummings Veers Into Dicey Territory Live On CNN
–– Cummings undone.
Nikki Glaser Says She Postponed Brow Lift or Another ‘Really Invasive Surgery’ to Host Golden Globes
–– How about funny bone implantation?
Jeremy Renner Says 'I Stand Strong Again' on Two-Year Anniversary of Snow Plow Accident and Quips: 'I Am Sorry' to Medical Staff for 'All the Haunting Images'
–– Remains to be unseen.
WME Insists Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively Didn’t Pressure Agency to Drop Justin Baldoni
–– This week in ‘who gives a f**k?’
Enough With the Dylan-Splaining: ‘A Complete Unknown’ Isn’t a Documentary!’
–– It's barely biopic.
Armie Hammer Touts Big-Screen Comeback: “I'm Turning Jobs Down”
–– Ones he can't seek his teeth into?
Cher Reveals Music Producer and Murderer Phil Spector Propositioned Her for Sex at 15 — and She Had a Saucy Response
–– Wouldn't Cher?
Boy George Opens up Ahead of New Year’s Concert in Rome: “All Human Beings Are Multi-Universes”
–– Curious George.
Diddy's Bodyguard, Intern and Producer Speak Out in New Peacock Doc Trailer: 'I Didn't Want to Be Around Him Unless There Was Cameras'
–– ‘And he kept paying me to look other way.’
’Gladiator II' director Ridley Scott says he 'wouldn't advise' vacationing in Malta, angering a government that set aside $48 million for him to film there
–– Malta milked.
‘Flight Risk’ Trailer: Mark Wahlberg Plays Balding, Psychotic Killer in Mel Gibson Plane Thriller
–– Was Mel too hairy for role?
‘Babygirl’ director says that scene involving a glass of milk actually happened to her
–– Spills.
Kristin Cavallari Acknowledges ‘Good Guy’ Morgan Wallen Has ‘Been With Every Woman on the Planet’
–– Talk about Sloppy Billionths.
'Bachelorette' star says Ellen DeGeneres made her feel stupid: 'She was laughing at me'
–– No, she was laughing with people who were laughing at you.
Tina Knowles Defends Beyoncé Following Troll Response to Netflix Christmas Day Halftime Show
–– Sister act.
Angelina Jolie Says She Doesn't Get Nervous When Son Maddox Is Flying: 'Maybe I Just Have a Big Family'
–– Floats replacement theory.
Demi Moore, 62, Used To Bike 60 Miles A Day To Lose Weight, But Now Only Exercises 'In My Mind.' Here's Why
–– Ozempic.
The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Should Not Exist
–– You shouldn’t care if it does.
Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie Could Inherit Royal Lodge Under One Condition
–– If they agree to turn into Elks Lodge.
Magnus Carlsen and Ian Nepomniachtchi agree to share chess’ World Blitz Championship title, causing outcry from top players
–– Who fear both names won’t fit on loving cup.
Surgeon general calls for cancer warnings on alcohol
–– Suggests chemo chaser.
European drinks groups skid after US surgeon general calls for cancer warnings
–– Should know not to drink, drive.
Dozens of United Airlines employees got sick after eating a Christmas meal provided by the airline
–– Reindeer steaks from plane/sleigh collision.
The Fast Food Restaurant That Still Uses Beef Tallow For Its Fries
–– Can anyone hold candle to them?
The US State With The Highest Number Of Cracker Barrel Locations
–– Doesn't Florida also have most crackers who barrel on roads?
Woman Says She Dumped Her Boyfriend After He Didn't Get Her Anything for Christmas — and Lied About It
–– Gift-wrapping empty box pretty gaslighty.
Rolex stolen from Keanu Reeves’ LA home turns up in Chile
–– That’s not slow news day, that’s news day in reverse.
As a child psychiatrist, I see what smartphones are doing to kids’ mental health – and it’s terrifying
–– Send us TikTok vid.
What Happens When a Whole Generation Never Grows Up?
–– Trump.
Deepfakes can cause long-lasting damage to children
–– How about realfakes counseling them?
His path to reaching 106? ‘I did everything I shouldn’t do’
–– ‘White slavery, genocide, removing tags from mattresses.’
Bernie Madoff’s victims have now recovered 94% of their losses
–– Madoff with a bundle.
Prosecutors say 150 pipe bombs found at Virginia man’s home in what could be FBI’s largest-ever seizure of explosive devices
–– Director Wray contacted Guinness World Records.
The man who died in a Tesla Cybertruck explosion was an active-duty US Army Green Beret
–– Thank you for your surfeits.
Cybertruck explosion outside Trump’s Las Vegas hotel was probably a suicide, sheriff says
–– Or worst planned terror attack since Angel Has Fallen.
Suspected Las Vegas Cybertruck Bomber Was a ‘Big’ Trump Supporter: Source
–– Self-destruction usual way they honor him.
Suspect who police say detonated Cybertruck kept ‘activity journal’ for 10 days before attack
–– Number of views of Tesla ad 'concerning.'
Suspect identified as US citizen in attack that left 15 dead, sources say
–– That crazy, we figured.
A New York Times journalist who interviewed the New Orleans suspect in 2015 says there were no 'red flags'
–– And what could possibly change in 9+ years?
Half-sibling of alleged New Orleans attacker says brother was radicalized, struggled to find himself
–– Had ISIS in back of his head.
MAGA Senator Decides Terror Presser Is Perfect Time for Weird Joke
–– John effed Kennedy.
Louisiana Gov. Jeff Landry faces backlash for restaurant photo after deadly terror attack
–– Knocked back a few?
House Majority Leader Steve Scalise Wildly Blames DEI After New Orleans Attack
–– What Dudes Expounding ISIS?
What to know about Turo, the app both trucks used in New Orleans and Las Vegas incidents came from
–– There is such a thing as bad publicity.
Tom Homan warns US national security 'in grave danger' after New Orleans attack, Tesla Cybertruck explosion
–– And, especially, his appointment as ‘border czar.’
Incoming Trump Border Czar’s Firm Brags About Helping Companies Get Contracts
–– A bad Homan.
Massive ‘space object’ fragment crashes into remote village in Kenya
–– Not Coke bottle?
Can and should you walk your dogs in the snow and freezing temperatures?
–– And might and shall and shan't you?
Endangered baby monkey found clinging to driver of speeding Rolls Royce
–– Shifting gears!
Top Discoveries at the National Museum of Natural History in 2024
–– 1) Missing umbrella.
With razor-sharp and a 36mph top speed, this is one intimidating, fearsome ocean predator - that has been known to attack humans
–– Even has catchier theme song then Jaws.
Grieving killer whale who carried calf’s body spotted again with dead baby
–– Maybe it’s serial killer whale.
Archaeologists Found 115,000-Year-Old Human Footprints Where They Shouldn’t Be
–– On new carpet!
Your Body Has 30 Trillion Genomes
–– Yeah, well yours has 32 trillion!
Biden faltered on bird flu. Here’s how Trump can course-correct.
–– What’s pecking at these writers’ brains?
Bill Gates-backed Deep Sky project earns new funding to suck pollution from the air: 'We need to prove that this stuff works”
–– After Microsoft, Bill should know from sucking.
Trump calls on Britain to dismantle North Sea wind turbines
–– Blown out of ass.
Jimmy Carter, 39th president and Nobel Peace Prize winner, dies at 100, his son says
–– Jimmy fallen.
History views Carter’s legacy — and his many accomplishments — all wrong
–– I and only I –– me, that is –– can tell you truth.
Jimmy Carter was the president who made Ronald Reagan necessary
–– According to George sWill.
On Jimmy Carter’s Deep and Historic Connection With Musicians: Why He Is Remembered as the ‘Rock ‘n’ Roll President’
–– Nixon, Ford, Reagan so square.
Jimmy Carter Was the First President to Tie Diet and Disease Together — and It Got Him in Hot Water
–– With quinoa.
Opinion: President Jimmy Carter made wrong decision to call for a boycott of 1980 Moscow Olympics
–– Scored gold meddle.
Jocelyn Wildenstein, ‘Catwoman’ socialite known for her extreme cosmetic surgery, dies
–– Face off.
Aaron Brown, CNN Anchor During Sept. 11 Attacks, Dies at 76
–– Brown out.
Charles Dolan Remembered: John Malone, Brian Roberts and More Pay Tribute to the Cable Trailblazer
–– Cord cut.
Linda Lavin, Star of TV’s ‘Alice’ and a Tony Winner, Dies at 87
–– Alice doesn’t live here anymore.
