Pain in a Vance
Week of 02/21/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
JD Vance Warns Ukraine’s Zelenskiy to Shut up and Obey Trump
–– Instructs him to roll over, beg.
Mass firings continue across nation’s health agencies
–– Trump sad he can't kick each firee in crotch.
Trump says he's 'sick' of how Zelenskyy has handled Ukraine's war with Russia: 'He has no cards'
–– Trump’s got 52 Jokers.
Americans, Russians have discussed Ukraine war through Swiss side channel, sources say
–– Full of holes like cheese.
VP Vance's Munich speech praised as 'Churchillian' moment as CBS host faces criticism for response
–– In the same way one might describe these.
Trump official calls Social Security ‘wrong’ as administration lays groundwork for massive cuts
–– Brands it 'excessively factual.'
Trump signs order to claim power over independent agencies
–– And natural forces like gravity, electro-magnetism.
With Congress Pliant, an Emboldened Trump Pushes His Business Interests
–– In latest slang for 'bent over, pants down.'
“They’re Scared Shitless”: The Threat of Political Violence Informing Trump’s Grip on Congress
–– And yet still full of it.
US Supreme Court declines to let Trump immediately fire watchdog agency head
–– Want a couple of weeks to savor ramifications.
Trump and Musk connect with working-class voters because they 'understand the consumer,' Sen. Ruben Gallego says
–– Is basically stupid.
'You F***ed Up And Picked The Wrong Psychopath On The Spectrum,' Says Joe Rogan, Claiming He's Not Here To Steal People's Money
–– Apparently referring to Musk, not self.
Washington Post Cancels Ad From Groups Calling for Trump to Fire Musk
–– Terrified next ad might be from Amazon workers calling put Bezos.
Elon Musk’s DOGE wants access to the tax information of every American, and Trump plans to give it to him
–– But just to mock everyone with less money than him.
Judge seems unwilling to immediately bar Musk from meddling in federal agencies
–– Liberals bring slingshot to gunfight.
Elon Musk Hits Astronaut With Shocking Slur After Being Slammed Over ‘Lie’
–– What is he, retar… intellectually disabled?
Man fired from FAA describes mass firings as ‘incredibly irresponsible, very dangerous’
–– Or ‘Muskian.’
Resolute Desk removed for refurbishment after Elon Musk’s son appeared to pick his nose and rub the desk
–– Entire Administration needs rehab after father did same on it.
Author of Upcoming Elon Musk Biography Says ‘There Is No Evidence’ Billionaire Has Any ‘Intellectual Achievements’
–– And now reams of evidence he doesn't.
Acting ICE director reassigned amid Trump administration's frustration with deportation numbers
–– ICE cold.
USDA Mistakenly Lays Off Employees Working on Bird Flu Response
–– Or intentionally in hopes of more sickness, death.
Assessing Claims That Pete Hegseth Was Drinking at a Press Conference
–– No way, then he might’ve made sense.
The Department of Education approved a grant to help students with disabilities into adulthood. Then Trump came along
–– To help instill disabilities in adults.
GOP Sen. Josh Hawley Warns Against 'Massive' Medicaid Cuts: 'I Don't Like The Idea'
–– ‘Unless we expand funding for potter's fields.’
Trump suggests he’s above the law with ominous Napoleon quote
–– He couldn’t even quote pastry.
Trump Media Group Sues Brazilian Judge Weighing Arrest of Jair Bolsonaro
–– Defender of the Indefensible!
Trump Camp Now Pushing Romania to Loosen Its Legal Grip on Andrew Tate
–– Champion of the Deplorable!
President Trump Is Reportedly Considering Paving Over the Historic White House Rose Garden
–– With enemies beneath.
President of NYU College Republicans resigns after calling Barron Trump ‘an oddity’
–– And she thought ‘freak’ too harsh.
4 Top Officials Expected to Resign Over Adams’s Cooperation with Trump
–– Signed on to be criminal prosecutors, not criminals.
Adams Forcefully Resists Calls to Resign: ‘I Am Going Nowhere’
–– Fast.
Trump 'wouldn't pardon him' cause he wouldn't have 'leash to yank’: Rev. Sharpton on Adams’ case
–– Adams, ‘Grrr. Arf, arf!’
Judge holds off on deciding whether to drop NYC Mayor Eric Adams case
–– Finally liberal judge gets it –– D. R. A. G. I. T. O. U. T.
Mayor Adams reacts to Trump border czar’s warning he’ll be ‘up his butt’ if he doesn’t crack down on illegal migrants
–– ‘Please!’
In tense exchange, Maine governor tells Trump "see you in court" after he threatens to strip federal funding
–– Maine objection.
Donald Trump declares himself ‘king’ after striking down New York congestion pricing
–– Bugger King.
‘Looks like that's that.’ Trump may have just ended the Florida governor’s race.
–– With progressive endorsement of African-American clown.
NAACP Image Awards: Kamala Harris to Receive Chairman’s Award
–– This week in ‘hardly consolation prizes.’
Ohio Senator introduces a bill in response to the Ohio Supreme Court boneless wings ruling
–– In response to bonehead right-wing.
Wall Street's diversity dilemma deepens as JPMorgan's Dimon sounds off on 'stupid' DEI expenses
–– Can't imagine where money will come from.
Ukraine rejects initial Trump request for half its mineral wealth
–– Suggests throwing lithium batteries at his head.
Europeans plan for troops to back Ukraine ceasefire — and want U.S. support
–– Then that's not good plan.
Russia's Putin says he would like to meet with Trump, but preparations are ongoing
–– Complains Lavrov’s blow jobs ‘just not doing it for me.’
JD Vance stuns world with embrace of Germany's far-right party
–– Has hand down their pants.
Trump is emulating Putin and Xi. Watch it end in an ‘own goal.’
–– God, we'd love to see Trump lumber length of field, kick ball past Stephen Miller for score.
Germany condemns 'unbelievable perfidy' of Hamas hostage handovers
–– Hamas, ‘We have perfidy good excuse.’
Trump threatened 'all hell' if Hamas didn't free all its hostages. What happened?
–– Guess he meant for Americans.
BAFTA Awards: David Tennant Draws Applause With Donald Trump Joke in Opening Monologue
–– BAFTA burner.
‘Breaking Bad’ Creator Vince Gilligan Urges More Good Guys in Stories Now That Bad Guys Have Taken Over the World: ‘God Help Us, They’ve Become Aspirational’
–– His show life guide for RFK Jr.
Jack Nicholson makes rare appearance while introducing Adam Sandler at ‘SNL50’
–– Jack back.
Chevy Chase attends ‘SNL 50’ special after slamming show — and nearly coming to blows with Bill Murray
–– 50 years ago.
“SNL” Boss Lorne Michaels Said That He Told Taylor Swift "I Do Not Negotiate With Terrorists" And Hung Up On Her After She Allegedly Asked To Cut An "SNL" Sketch
–– Let's see if he's so tough when Trump calls.
Kenan Thompson revives 'Scared Straight' sketch with Eddie Murphy and Will Ferrell for “SNL ”50th anniversary special
–– Less revived than undead.
Tom Hanks and ‘SNL50’ Highlight the Show’s Problematic Past, From Ethnic Stereotypes to Sexual Harassment Jokes and Adrien Brody’s Dreadlocks
–– And shocking revelation 'times change.'
Jim Belushi Is Unrecognizable at Recent Red Carpet Appearance
–– How’d you know it was him?
Angela Bassett Says 'I Was Deserving' of the Oscar for 'Black Panther 2' After 'I Put in the Time' and Good Work: 'I Thought It Was a Given'
–– Bassett hounds Academy.
Mark Hamill Initially Thought Harrison Ford Was Star Wars' 'Leading Man' and He Was Just the 'Annoying Sidekick'
–– Why would that impression change?
Pope Francis is in a 'critical condition' and has received blood transfusions after suffering asthmatic respiratory crisis, Vatican says
–– In most extreme Oscars campaign ever.
James Bond Shocker: Amazon MGM Gains Creative Control of 007 Franchise as Producers Barbara Broccoli and Michael G. Wilson Step Back
–– After killing Bond, series.
Daniel Craig Drops Out of DC Studios War Movie ‘Sgt. Rock’
–– Refused to be easy company.
‘Reacher’ Star Alan Ritchson Says Fellow Christians Call Him Out: ‘How Dare You Have Unmarried Sex Scenes on TV and Then Talk About Jesus?’
–– How dare you vote for Trump, do same?
Matt Gaetz Takes Aim at Alan Ritchson After ‘Reacher’ Star Called Him a ‘Motherf—er’: ‘He’s Trying to Get Hollywood Attention but Not Just With Steroids’
–– ‘And beside, my mother’s too old.’
Groucho Marx and “the Girl” Decades His Junior: The Shocking Relationship Debated for 50 Years
–– One for each year of age difference (minus 1.)
Guy Pearce Gets Choked Up Recalling Troubling Encounters With Kevin Spacey While Filming ‘L.A. Confidential’: “He Targeted Me, No Question”
–– El lay confidential.
Kevin Spacey Responds to Guy Pearce Claims He Was “Targeted” By ‘L.A. Confidential’ Co-Star: “Grow Up, You Are Not a Victim”
–– ‘And there were many dozens of those.’
Comedy legend Jon Lovitz glad DOGE's efforts to clean up govt's 'crazy' spending is no joke
–– Lovitz and leave it.
‘The Apprentice’ Director Ali Abbasi Dropped by CAA, Management 360 Following Groping Accusation
–– Apparently over-identified with film’s subject.
Shakira Hospitalized, Cancels Peru Show Due to “Abdominal Issue”
–– Hips asked for comment.
Jessica Simpson Reveals the 'Great Thing' She Gets to Do in Walmart While Living in Tennessee
–– Act like redneck.
Jeremy Renner, 54, quietly dated influencer CC Mason, 26, while recovering from snowplow accident
–– No howls of pain?
Linda Evangelista Opens Up About the First Time She Showed Friends Her Mastectomy Scars: ‘They Made Me Feel Beautiful’
–– Weren’t we supposed to be traumatized by facial scars?
Martha Stewart, 83, Uses the foundation Fans Call “Magic” for Blurring Wrinkles
–– And if that doesn’t work, she pokes onlooker in eyes.
’The Odyssey’ First Look: Matt Damon Is Odysseus in Christopher Nolan’s Next Epic
–– Close enough to character’s actual age.
'Rambo: Last Blood' ending explained: Breaking down the iconic action series’ swan song (and whether Rambo dies in the end)
–– It ain't over until the fathead sings.
Am I The Only One Outraged By How James Gunn's Superman Changed The Movie's Green Lantern?
–– No, we’re considering suicide, too.
Is J.Lo Sending Us a Sign With Her Latest Manicure?
–– On middle finger she’s flashing at you?
Princess Diana "Destroyed" Prince Charles's Belongings During a "Blazing Row" on Honeymoon
–– Even vintage toilet bowls?
King Charles Broke This “Gut-Busting” Royal Tradition, His Stepson Tom Parker Bowles Says
–– Emptied his Bowles.
Julianne Moore in ‘Great Shock’ After Donald Trump Bans Her Children’s Book ‘Freckleface Strawberry’ From Schools: ‘I Can’t Help But Wonder What Is So Controversial’
–– Can’t spot problem?
Yankees throw out one of baseball’s most notorious traditions: Players can now grow beards
–– Still need to date beards?
7 more massage therapists accuse NFL kicker Justin Tucker of inappropriate sexual behavior, bringing total to 16, report says
–– Tried scoring extra points.
Texas wants the NCAA to start ‘sex-screening’ its student athletes
–– Creepazoid AG offers to personally lend hand.
Row as nude models told to put clothes on at life-drawing class
–– Bare necessities?
What Happens to Your Digital Footprint When You Die?
–– Gets cyber pedicure.
I Found Pornography on My Husband’s Computer. I’m Furious!
–– He’s like every other husband in America!
Neuroscientists Just Discovered How Sleep Washes Toxic Gunk Out of Your Brain
–– When you sleep upside down with head in bath.
This State Ranks No. 1 for Restaurant Dining, According to a New Report
–– If you love Spam casserole. Yeah, Hawaii.
People Are Waiting Hours To Try Bradley Cooper's Philly Cheesesteaks At His New NYC Shop, So I Spent $18 To See If They're Worth It
–– Imagining his tubesteak?
Scientists finally figured out why tomatoes don't kill you
–– When not laced with poison.
Stop Wasting Limes and Lemons, and Try This Storage Hack Instead
–– But we like mowing ‘em down.
Tourists flock to erupting volcano in Italy, blocking rescue workers
–– Etna mode.
Delta plane flips upside down after crash landing in Toronto
–– Judges give 9.7 score.
Salman Rushdie stabbing suspect found guilty of attempted murder
–– This week in ‘No s**t, Sherlock.’
Alleged UnitedHealthcare Shooter Luigi Mangione Has Broken His Silence, And Here's His First Public Statement
–– Please etch in stone so we can toss in lake.
Meet Monty, the giant schnauzer who made Westminster history as 2025 'Best in Show' dog: 'I knew he was special when he was a baby'
–– A human baby!
Fluffy Scottish Highland bull on the loose in Connecticut town, evading capture for days
–– Suspected of hiding in shag carpet department.
Electric organs, venomous spines and eyes that migrate – meet the world's most peculiar fish
–– Farfisas?
10 animals named after Star Wars characters, from Jedi ants to Skywalker apes
–– 10. Jaguar the Hutt, 9. Darth viper, 8. Princess Leia Orangutan, 7. Yoda man-atee, 6. Baboon Fett, 5. Hen Solo, 4. Jar Jar Mynx, 3. Chewbadger, 2. Obi-wan Bononbo, 1. C-3POwl.
Viking mouths were a painful mess
–– Thor was god of dentistry.
This 66-Million-Year-Old Fossil Is Rewriting Everything We Know About Dinosaurs
–– Are you dipping fangs in ink?
Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass fires Los Angeles Fire Chief Kristin Crowley
–– Puts out.
Solar power has exploded in popularity as wind lags, report shows
–– Fossil fuels still tend to explode more.
What is 'feels-like' temperature? A meteorologist explains.
–– A cheat to make weather forecasts seem more dramatic.
Outcry as Trump withdraws support for research that mentions ‘climate’
–– Not, unsurprisingly, ‘primate.’
George Armitage, ‘Grosse Pointe Blank’ and ‘Miami Blues’ Director, Dies at 83
–– Cut!
