Fool Let the Dogs Out
Week of 01/24/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump defends Jan. 6 pardons after first prisoners are released
–– Playing extreme offense.
Is there really no such thing as a fish?
–– Scale new heights of stupidity.
They assaulted cops and tried to overturn an election. What to know about Trump’s mass pardons for January 6 rioters
–– It’s his greatest crime ever.
Pardoned Jan. 6 Defendant Arrested a Day After Getting Break From Trump
–– Other 1400 sure to be model citizens.
Trump Revokes Security Detail for Pompeo and Others Despite Iranian Threats
–– Emails Iran Secret Service home address, security codes.
Trump pledges to save America from 'decline,' vows swift immigration crackdown
–– Save it by leaving in four years.
A history of presidential letters to successors, as Trump gets his second
–– B.
–– It's greatest incomprehension ever!
Right Reverend Mariann Edgar Budde makes 'one final plea' of mercy to Trump
–– Her preach exceeds his grasp.
A Pastor's Powerful Plea For 'Mercy' Drew Trump's Ire — And Faith Leaders Have Something To Say
–– Nipped in Budde.
Judge blocks Trump's birthright citizenship order, calling it 'blatantly unconstitutional'
–– White House was aiming for 'flagrantly unconstitutional.'
Defiance Is Out, Deference Is in: Trump Returns to a Different Washington
–– Pucker up, rich man.
Trump has already conquered D.C. even before taking office
–– And you, WaPo, are Poland in ’39.
The Trump Resistance Won’t Be Putting on ‘Pussy Hats’ This Time
–– It’s all brown underwear.
Melania Trump’s inauguration hat spawns hilarious memes online: ‘She looks like the Hamburglar’
–– Husband looked like 300-pounder with cheese.
Dressing the first lady: What fashion-watchers expect from Melania Trump’s second turn as FLOTUS
–– FLOTUS: an air biscuit.
The Deeper Meaning Behind Ivanka Trump’s Inaugural Ball Gown
–– About as deep as neckline.
Here’s who is performing at Trump’s inauguration
–– Hasbeens, neverweres.
How Village People went from Disco 1.0 to Trump 2.0
–– Cocaine, dementia.
Nelly Defends His Upcoming Performance at Trump Inaugural Ball: “This Isn’t Politics”
–– And it ain’t music.
There's a burger chain named after Donald Trump—and it's rapidly expanding its footprint
–– And waistline.
Trump promotes meme coin, raising ethics issues as value soars
–– Why can't leader of free world cash in like fan con celebrity?
–– As plausible as absurd sci-fi film it's named for.
Musk bashes Trump-backed AI mega project
–– X-pletive deleted.
US meteorologist fired from TV station after criticizing Elon Musk salute
–– Predicted heilstorm.
The ADL Scolds Elon Musk for Nazi Puns: “The Holocaust Is Not a Joke”
–– Musk is not a decent human being.
Elon Musk’s DOGE is coming for the penny
–– Which is precise value of DOGE effort.
Ramaswamy Won’t Serve on Trump’s Government Efficiency Commission as He Mulls Run for Ohio Governor
–– Decided DOGE wouldn't provide sufficent derision, lost money.
Trump picks agent who shielded him in assassination attempt to lead Secret Service
–– Kevlar vest would make better chief.
Trump officials haven’t decided on post-inauguration Chicago raids, Homan says
–– Trying to calculate optimal moment for utter disaster.
Hegseth’s ex-wife gives new statement to FBI amid scrutiny over his nomination
–– Being a drunken, abusive philanderer shouldn't matter for candidate who's so clearly unqualified.
Hegseth told senator he paid $50,000 to woman who accused him of 2017 sex assault
–– More bragged about 'great deal.'
Bill Gates on Trump meeting: ‘Frankly I was impressed’
–– ‘With the fact I have to make nice with a monster.’
Lindsey Graham Berates CBS Host for Tough Questions: ‘Worry About Reporting the News Fairly’
–– ‘Which never includes tough questions!’
‘MAGA heads on fire': Biden declares gender equality constitutional amendment 'the law of the land'
–– No more delusional than anything Trump's said.
Biden’s presidency is unpopular now. History might be kinder
–– If history wasn’t in process of lobotomization.
Biden's efforts to show 'vigor' backfired, showed his advanced age: Report
–– In overwhelmingly ageist media.
Biden issues preemptive pardons for Milley, Fauci and Jan. 6 committee members
–– Like vaccine against vengence.
Biden pardons revolutionary Marcus Garvey on last full day in office
–– Not a moment or 84 years too soon.
I Was Kamala Harris’ Videographer. I Wish I Could Show You What I’ve Seen.
–– Not her inauguration for damn sure.
TikTok probably will get a 90-day reprieve on ban, Trump says
–– To give more time for Chinese to devise proper payoff to him.
TikTok Is ‘Restoring Service’ After Donald Trump Promises to Save the App
–– Or ‘destroying your mind.’
TikTok Got a Reprieve, but Americans and Chinese Are Still on RedNote
–– Why didn’t Central Committee just call it RedBook?
Livvy Dunne Goes From Being an Athlete to Swimsuit Model in New TikTok Video
–– Thank God Trump saved it!
As first Israeli hostages are released, Hamas sends a message: It is far from being destroyed
–– Scrawled on wall of bombed-out tunnel.
Hamas gave the three hostages ‘gift bags’ upon their release. This is what was inside
–– Hand-written note: 'We are far from being destroyed. Please print this propaganda.'
Trump warns Putin he'll be the next tariff target over the Ukraine war, but the US hardly has Russian imports to levy
–– If tariffs don't work he threatens to say Putin is 'maybe not genius.'
Russia sees small window of opportunity to do deals with Trump, diplomat says
–– Before it closes on Marco Rubio's dick.
Surrendering North Korean soldier refuses to drop sausage at gunpoint
–– Actual food only reason he came to die in Ukraine.
South Korean president arrested, accused of leading insurrection
–– Like you do in actual democracy.
Saudi Arabia intends to invest $600 billion in US, crown prince says during call with Trump
–– Crime lord wants to buy in.
Two Iranian ‘judges of death’ gunned down in Tehran
–– How would they have judged own?
Pope dissolves Peru-based Catholic movement after ‘sadistic abuses’
–– Continuing wouldn’t be Perudent.
Assassination of an escort leads to miniskirt ban in world’s least popular parliament
–– Peruvian asses still hanging out.
Chappelle on ‘S.N.L.’: Nudging All of Us Toward Peaceful Change
–– He’s a f**king comic.
Sandra Lee causes a scene in Eataly outburst: ‘I’m Andrew Cuomo’s EX-WIFE!’
–– ‘And nobody doesn’t like Sandra Lee!’
Wolf Man’ Filmmaker Leigh Whannell Talks Key Deleted Scene and Why He’s Unwilling to Make ‘The Invisible Man 2’
–– Says he ‘just can’t see it.’
‘The Brutalist’ Editor Admits Filmmakers Used AI to Enhance Adrian Brody and Felicity Jones’ Hungarian Dialogue
–– AI at loss to improve rest of performance.
Paul Schrader Says He Asked ChatGPT for Film Ideas and They Were All ‘Original’ and ‘Fleshed Out’: ‘Why Should Writers Sit Around for Months’ When ‘AI Can Provide One in Seconds?’
–– ‘Especially pretentious hacks like me.’
Jake Gyllenhaal Warned Josh Gad ‘The Book of Mormon’ Was ‘Way Too Controversial’ After Hearing the Music: ‘You Cannot Do Whatever This Is’
–– Was Gad-fearing man.
Josh Gad Says He Was Denied a Role in ‘Avatar’ Because He Looked Like a ‘Tall Overweight Smurf’ As a Na’vi
–– Ploppa Smurf?
Carrie Underwood Reportedly Had a Heated Reaction Backstage After Her Inauguration Performance
–– You mean after ice-cold performance on.
Billy Ray Cyrus' Son Pens Heartbreaking Message to Dad:' I Fear the World May Lose You Too Soon'
–– Can’t be too soon.
Chappell Roan: “I’d Be More Successful If I Was OK Wearing a Muzzle”
–– So very brave in battle for celebrity rights!
Kelly Ripa Reveals How Much Weight She Gained After Quitting Drinking
–– Shocked by .12 oz.
Nosferatu’s Robert Eggers to direct sequel to 1986’s Labyrinth
–– The antepenultimate film that didn't need one.
Sex Scenes in Movies Are Back, but They Aren’t Exactly Sexy
–– Don't mount too much.
Andie MacDowell Coordinated Her Winter White Pantsuit With Her Signature Gray Hair
–– But how is that even possible?!
Meghan Markle ‘Survivors’ Vindicated by Report of Her ‘Demon’ Ways
–– Markle the Devil.
It’s really sad’: Coco Gauff advances to Australian Open quarterfinals, but mourns TikTok shutting down in US
–– Any other unrelated, irrelevant observations?
LeBron James: A sense of where he is
–– Have Apple AirTag on him?
Fans Declare Bill Belichick, 72, and Girlfriend Jordon Hudson, 24, an ‘It Couple’ in ‘Gorgeous’ New Photo
–– Reminds them of Stephen King novel with evil clown.
Gambling ad featuring porn star Bonnie Blue prompts call for crackdown
–– From crack down.
Lazio ultras suspected of using metal chains, hammers and leather straps to attack Real Sociedad supporters, police say
–– Too Lazio to use feet?
I Spent Years Feeling Like Something Was Wrong With Me. Finally, I Heard The 3 Words I Needed To Hear.
–– ‘There sure is.’
I Pegged My Dream Girl at an Ultra-Elite Sex Party
–– Strap-on, it'll be a bumpy ride.
People leave New Zealand in record numbers in year to November
–– Dying to know what happened in December.
I live in the northernmost town on Earth, where alcohol is rationed and polar bears are a common threat
–– Talk about TMI.
Couple Who Live in a Remote Off-Grid Homestead in Alaska Reveal Brutal Reality of Winter Months—From Confronting Wild Wolves to Driving 6 Hours for Groceries
–– Not far enough off our grid.
Oregon archaeologist to embark on expedition to find Amelia Earhart's long-lost plane
–– This week in ‘wanton pointlessness.’
–– Then they claimed that was kind of cure.
Alcohol is linked to cancer. But isn't everything?
–– Even this stupid headline.
Champagne sales sink because people don’t want to celebrate
–– Bubbly
The Ingenious Hack for an Almost Empty Dish Soap Bottle That I Use Every Single Day
–– How many freakin’ empty dish soap bottles do you have?
This Is the Most Popular Grocery Store in America — and It's Probably Not What You Think
–– Unless you think Americans are mostly junk-food loving pre-diabetic slobs with no taste. 7-Eleven, BTW.
A&W Root Beer Fans Have High Expectations for New Release: ‘I Need That So Bad’
–– See above.
A California couple is suing JetBlue for $1 million, alleging a block of ice the size of a watermelon fell from a plane and crashed into their bedroom
–– No one asking why they built house under frozen airplane?
What really happens at the largest gathering of humans on the planet
–– Largest outbreak of
Border Patrol Agent Is Killed in Vermont Shooting
–– Trump moves to deport Canucks.
A Georgia fire chief stopped to help a driver who hit a deer. He was then shot and killed.
–– Who knew buck was packing?
’We weren't arguing, I just lost it.' Indy man arrested, accused of killing wife with hammer
–– Nailed it!
These monkeys keep trying to mate with deer––scientists have a few theories why
–– Horniness. Doe!
Giant Tibetan Mastiff Found on Streets of Chicago Loses 34 Pounds of Fur & Gets New Lease on Life
–– Another 34 with meth habit.
Adorable Baby Crab Stuns The World With Its Spiky Charm
–– World should really look where it’s sitting on beach.
Archaeologists Are Finding Dugout Canoes in the American Midwest as Old as the Great Pyramids of Egypt
–– In books about ancient canoes.
Donald Trump Says He Will “Probably” Travel to L.A. After Inauguration to View Wildfire Aftermath
–– And gloat.
SoCal Fire Fund Auctioning Off Lunch With Julia Roberts and ‘Only Murders in the Building’ Set Visit to Support Relief Efforts
–– Idea is to raise money, right?
This reservoir was built to save Pacific Palisades. It was empty when the flames came
–– Who'll stop the drain?
“Addams Family” Star Carel Struycken's Family and Friends Are Looking for Clothing Donations After 7-Foot Tall Actor Lost His Home in L.A. Fires
–– Who has clothes that fit?
What happened when a town removed fluoride from its water
–– See that stupid toothless grin?
A sample from a remote Tanzanian region tests positive for Marburg disease, confirming WHO fears
–– That they’ll have to explain another obscure pathogen to world which disbelieves.
David Lynch was America’s greatest conservative filmmaker
–– So he really was John Ford?
Garth Hudson, Organist for The Band, Dies at 87
–– Strike out the Band.
André Soltner, Famed Chef at New York’s Lutèce, Dies at 92
–– Soltner no pepper.
Jules Feiffer, Acerbic Cartoonist, Writer and Much Else, Dies at 95
–– His work in Much Else unparalleled.
