Benign Schumer
Week of 03/14/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
‘Betrayed us all’: Democrats blast Schumer over handling of GOP funding bill
–– Cry, 'Chuck Schumer!'
America Can’t Be Great if America Is Stupid
–– Ergo America can’t be great.
Schumer backs down on fight against GOP’s government funding bill as Democrats face reckoning over Trump strategy
–– And with own wussiness.
How the US economy went from booming to a recession scare in only 20 days
–– Hint: Starts with a T, ends in RUMP.
Gold prices hit $3,000 for the first time as investors push the panic button
–– Paid for in crypto.
‘You Can’t Pin Him Down’: Trump’s Contradictions Are His Ultimate Cover
–– Give us wooden stake.
If you think the current outlook is bad, just wait until the White House can’t find anyone to buy its debt, warns Ray Dalio
–– Will be like zombie Dawn of the Debt.
‘SNL’ Slams Trump’s Claim ‘No President Has Changed Government Faster’: ‘Nobody Changed Airport Security Faster Than Bin Laden’
–– Nor Kool-Aid parties than Jim Jones.
Trump says tariffs on Mexico and Canada ‘could go up,’ declines to rule out possible recession
–– That he can do.
Trump threatens 200% tariff on European alcohol as trade war escalates
–– From T-totaler.
’Shut Up About Egg Prices': Trump Shares Brazen Message About High Costs
–– Serves scrambled brains.
White House economic adviser downplays recession fears and claims uncertainty is "creating jobs"
–– For therapists, suicide line workers.
Trump calls for jailing his perceived opponents in Justice Department speech
–– After doubling capacity to 300,000.
Tim Walz Says 'We Wouldn't Be In This Mess' If It Wasn't For Him And Harris
–– But mostly Harris.
USAID workers told to shred, burn documents, unnerving Congress
–– That’s why they have no nerve?
Johns Hopkins laying off more than 2,000 workers after dramatic cut in USAID funding
–– Research and destroy.
Elon Musk’s DOGE is reportedly automating government tasks with an AI chatbot as it continues to slash the federal workforce
–– More AI shatbot.
Rubio and Musk turn on Polish foreign minister in spat over Starlink use in Ukraine: ‘Be quiet small man’
–– This from moral Minion.
Rubio takes Elon Musk’s side in fight with Polish diplomat: ‘Just making things up’
–– They sure are.
Elon Musk Sparks Outrage in Italy Over Potential $1.6 Billion Starlink Deal Amid Cozy Rapport With Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni
–– Melonicholy baby.
Musk Seeks to Put $100 Million Directly Into Trump Political Operation
–– In small unmarked bills.
Trump turns the White House lawn into a Tesla showroom
–– In move completely unrelated to above.
Bill Burr Says ‘Idiot’ Elon Musk Is ‘Evidently a Nazi’ With ‘Dyed Hair Plugs and a Laminated Face’: ‘I Hate Liberals’ for Being ‘So Afraid of This Guy’
–– Then admits hair plugs are to die for.
Tesla loses $127 billion in one-day market bloodbath as China car group questions Musk’s pursuit of ‘personal glory’
–– And universal admiration.
Elon Musk's Ex-Wife Spills The Truth About What It Really Takes To Be A Billionaire: 'There Is No Roadmap, No Blueprint For This'
–– Why you self-drive into pylon.
Elon Musk Says X Outage Caused by ‘Massive Cyberattack’
–– Not massive enough.
JD Vance heard on hot mic discussing lengthy Trump speech: 'I don’t know how you do this'
–– Pretending to be interested, not horrified by rantings of lunatic.
Justice Dept. Official Says She Was Fired After Opposing Restoring Mel Gibson’s Gun Rights
–– Rigs lethal weapon?
Trump Once Again Defies Federal Judge Ruling on FEMA
–– But only because he wants more American property, lives lost.
RFK Jr. drops threat on major food corporations — and shoppers may soon see the impact
–– So did he make or rescind one?
Embarrassing Details Emerge From Top Johnson Aide’s DUI Arrest
–– Who can blame him for being boozer having to defend that shit.
GOP lawmaker explains why he called trans Dem 'Mr. McBride': 'I don't have to participate in his fantasy'
–– When he’s already lost in Trump’s masturbatory death cult delirium.
How the Donald Trump of Canada became a resistance icon
–– Case after case of Labatt's.
–– Like Erie or Huron.
Justin Trudeau wipes away tears after his daughter introduce farewell speech
–– Is that French verb tense?
Trump believes US will annex Greenland as NATO leader tells him the organization will sit out potential takeover
–– Alternately laughing, crying.
U.S. lifts pause on Ukraine aid as Kyiv agrees to ceasefire proposal
–– Leaves boot on Zelensky's neck.
Ukraine on its way to negotiated surrender because of Trump: Bolton
–– With minimum negotiation.
Ukraine's Zelenskiy says there is now a good chance to end war
–– ‘Thanks entirely and completely to God’s gift to deal-making, Beloved Leader Donald J. Trump.’
Most disapprove of Trump's approach to Ukraine, Russia: Survey
–– Others think Ukraine is moving truck rental company for heavy equipment.
He escaped the cartel that kidnapped him. Then he learned there’s ‘no more asylum.’
–– Except White House.
Philippine ex-president Duterte on plane to The Hague after ICC warrant arrest
–– Duterte deeds done dirt cheap.
ICE arrests Palestinian activist who helped lead Columbia student protests
–– This week in ‘Coinkydinks.’
Federal judge blocks Trump administration from deporting pro-Palestinian activist Mahmoud Khalil
–– This week in 'You Realize All This is Illegal.'
Iran is using drones and apps to catch women who aren’t wearing hijabs, says UN report
–– Trump to catch women who are.
Jamie Dimon says it's only 'people in the middle' complaining a lot about RTO
–– You mean ones who work in offices.
Donald Trump’s ‘The Apprentice’ Seasons 1-7 to Stream on Amazon Prime Video
–– You're fired up?
Dubai Housewife Breaks Down How She Spends Over $230K in 'Monthly Allowance' — with a Specific Budget for 'Luxury' Shopping
–– Emir pittance.
James Bond “Will Remain British And Male” Under Amazon’s Management Of The Character – Report
–– With all the suavity, sex appeal of Jeff Bezos.
Former James Bond Pierce Brosnan Says It’s ‘A Given’ That the Next 007 Must Not Be American: I Hope Amazon ‘Handles the Work and the Character With Dignity’
–– ‘Like a delivery of light bulbs that arrives in shattered pieces.’
Disney Scales Back ‘Snow White’ Hollywood Premiere Amid Rachel Zegler and Gal Gadot Controversies
–– Will only invite real little people.
‘Zero Day’ Star Dan Stevens Says “Democracy Is Almost Dead”
–– Almost?
Hans Zimmer Says He’s Turned Down Offers to Score Marvel Movies: ‘What Do You Want Me To Do? The Minor Characters?’
–– ‘Ja, perhaps a bassoon motif for Willie Lumpkin?’
Ian McKellen Tells Closeted Actors to Come Out as Gay: ‘Being in the Closet Is Silly. There’s No Need for It. Don’t Listen to Your Advisers’
–– Even when casting directors say, 'You shall not pass?'
Karla Sofía Gascón Reflects on Tumultuous Oscars Season: “The Pain Has Been So Overwhelming That I Contemplated the Unthinkable”
–– Not show up at press gathering?
Amy Poehler Shared ‘SNL50’ Dressing Room With Meryl Streep and Says: ‘I’ve Never Rehearsed as Hard as She Did in This One Moment’
–– Think we need fix on time here.
Issa Rae Says “Diversity Needs a Better Publicist”
–– New stylist, speech coach, scripter.
Rihanna Reveals She Gave Birth Wearing Pearls and Sunglasses
–– Won't reveal who made tiny ones for baby.
Natalie Portman Dating Tanguy Destable After Benjamin Millepied Split
–– Destablized?
Gypsy Rose Blanchard Chops Her Hair Off And Fans Have Thoughts: 'What Is This?'
–– Does that qualify as thought?
Brandi Glanville Says There's an 'Oily Foul-Tasting Drainage' from Her Face That's 'Eating Away at My Teeth'
–– Her soul?
Rosie O'Donnell moves to Ireland amid Trump presidency: 'The personal is political'
–– Another green land he wants to annex?
Ben Affleck Was ‘Throwing Up’ While Filming Key Armageddon Scene With Bruce Willis, But Michael Bay Has A Positive Take On It
–– He usually looks like he's about to.
A Bruce Willis ‘Classic’ Came Up When Gerard Butler Named The Most Rewatchable Action Movies, And We Couldn't Agree More
–– So did lunch.
99-Year-Old Dick Van Dyke Eats This Surprising Food Combo Every Day
–– Spoon full of sugar to help medicine go down.
Parker Posey Says She Had a 'Ziploc Baggie of Ice in Between My Legs All the Time' Filming 'The White Lotus' Season 3 in Brutally Hot Thailand
–– Is that excuse for shaky North Carolina accent?
Lady Gaga Discusses Her Psychosis Diagnosis, Says She Was "Not Deeply in Touch With Reality"
–– Only rarely DMed Planet Earth.
Lady Gaga Is ‘Excited to be a Mom”
–– Can't wait to give birth through knee cap.
Paris Jackson Wants Everyone to Stop ‘Freaking Out’ About Her Nipples
–– Hey, we didn’t say, ‘boob!’
Tina Louise Says She ‘Wanted to Quit’ “Gilligan’s Island” When Ginger Became ‘Sarcastic.' Here’s How She Saved the Part
–– We stayed that way, but won't comment on her recent photo.
Pedro Pascal And Oscar Isaac Are Being Praised For Displaying “Non-Toxic Masculinity” After Pedro Shared An Intimate Photo Of Them Cuddling
–– Praised by who?
James Cameron Says His Wife ‘Bawled for Four Hours’ After Watching ‘Avatar: Fire and Ash’: ‘She Kept Trying to Get Her S— Back Together’
–– So excited it was over.
Ingrid Andress Talks Frankly About the National Anthem That Made Her ‘America’s Punching Bag,’ What She Learned in Rehab, and Being ‘Terrified’ Before Her Joyful Do-Over: ‘You Can’t Mess It Up Twice’
–– Oh, say, can you care?
King Charles and Queen Camilla's Italy Visit Thrown Into "Doubt" Amid Official's Health Concerns
–– Host allergic to twits?
Prince Andrew appears downcast at Windsor Castle — just days after new allegations emerged in bombshell memoir
–– And he’s usually such cheery old sod.
High school runner who hit opponent in head with baton faces assault and battery charge
–– Being scouted by Chicago Sky.
Runner who hit opponent over head with baton shares new footage of incident as she faces assault charge
–– Baton rude.
Lalit Patidar, 18, Sets Guinness World Record for Hairiest Face
–– Guy gives him hairy eye, swipes crown.
Mom checks baby monitor at 3 a.m.—and is stunned by what she hears
–– "Leave me alone –– you're smothering me!'
My Husband Said He Got A Vasectomy, But I Got Pregnant. His Explanation Left Me Stunned.
–– Didn't know what came over me.
My country’s fight to keep Nazi-looted art is shameful
–– Camille pissed sorrow.
Kentucky bourbon maker reacts to Canada pulling American-made liquor off shelves
–– Presumably got shit-faced.
US spirits industry warns of ‘debilitating’ retaliatory whiskey tariffs from Europe
–– ‘It’ll feel like we’re on a month-long bender.’
Anthony Bourdain Gave His Stamp Of Approval To One Iconic Breakfast Chain
–– We heard in seance.
Scientists Just Discovered a Huge Health Benefit of Coffee
–– Drs. Peet and Bustelo.
Starbucks ordered to pay $50 million to delivery driver burned by hot coffee
–– Whole latte beans.
Chinese Restaurant Chain Apologizes and Offers Thousands of Refunds After 2 Diners Urinated in Soup: Reports
–– Did order Wanton Egg Droop Hot and Sour Pee.
What the Bottom Drawer of Your Oven Is Actually for—and How to Use It Properly
–– Half-hearted suicide attempts.
Grammar Fans Flock to a Film About Participles and Gerunds
–– Infinitive jest.
What’s ‘sleepmaxxing’? Experts weigh in on the social media trend
–– You go to school to become expert on that?
Massive Maine Coon Cat Who Stands Over 3-Feet Tall Gives Mom a Run for Her Money
–– In what event?
Narwhals may be using their tusks to play, new study finds
–– Cellos!
US influencer draws backlash for stealing baby wombat from mum
–– Heard ‘happiness is a wombat.’
What’s the noisiest plant in the world?
–– Widebark Pine? Blue Spews? Grand Fart?
Expert explains why plane passengers had to walk on plane's wing
–– Were smokers?
Los Angeles DA asks court to withdraw previous DA’s resentencing request for Menendez brothers
–– Only sympathy is for Angelenos who have to continue to house, feed swine.
It’s not just the Gulf of Mexico. Why is so much of America named after foreign countries?
–– In country almost entirely populated by immigrants? Gee willikers, that’s a toughie!
Firing squad executes Brad Keith Sigmon in South Carolina in 'bloody spectacle'
–– Much more humane to use bows, arrows.
Mysterious radio pulses from the Milky Way ‘are unlike anything we knew before’
–– 'Like a Casey Kasem long-distance dedication in Swahili.'
The likely cause of Long Island’s major brush fires? S’mores.
–– S’morons.
–– Explains rush to check in on him.
Charles Manson Jr.’s Cause of Death: How Convicted Killer Charles Manson’s Namesake Son Died
–– Kinda helter-skelter?
Athol Fugard, South Africa’s Giant Playwright, Dies at 92
–– Will he be missed Athol?
