Ergo Maniac
Week of 03/07/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump: 'I was saved by God to make America great again'
–– God doesn’t have horns, hooves, forked tail.
Wall Street is turning its back on Elon Musk
–– We would be very careful.
House Democrats Reject GOP Plan, Raising Government Shutdown Risk
–– Should shut down until midterms.
Republicans push Musk to let Congress vote on DOGE cuts
–– Elected officials have to beg unelected, unqualified, unhinged dope addict.
Trump told Congress that Musk runs DOGE — and the lawyers noticed
–– If they don’t think he can get out from under verb ‘run’ they haven’t been watching.
Elon Musk’s Takeover Is Being Aided by a Trumpworld Power Couple
–– Stephen Miller's motto, ‘I’m a hater, I’m a traitor, I’m a master baiter.’
–– Fair assessment of Republican clubs on campus.
Donald Trump’s Speech To Congress Drew 36.6 Million Viewers, Up From Audience For Joe Biden’s Initial Address
–– Psychosis sells.
Democratic Response to Trump Shows a Party Divided on How to Resist Him
–– Because they check arms at door.
Starting with Rep. Al Green, Democrats protest against Trump's speech to Congress
–– They should take him to river, drop in water.
Newly Elected Texas Congressman, Who Replaced Late Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, Dies Hours After Attending Trump's Speech
–– Natural causes for old Black Democrat forced to sit through that.
China and Canada immediately retaliate against Trump’s tariffs
–– In most pointless conflict since Cola Wars.
Trump threatens new tariffs on Canada, including 250% tax on dairy
–– More cow bull!
‘Personally, I think it’s stupid’: Businesses are struggling under Trump’s chaotic tariff back-and-forth
–– Quoting every single person.
Jack Daniel's maker says Canada pulling US alcohol off shelves 'worse than tariff'
–– JD pans.
What Man’s Man Politics Is Doing to America
–– More ‘F**khead’s f**khead.’
Bondi says she was misled on Epstein documents
–– But only because she’s idiot.
Elon Musk and DOGE promised up to $2 trillion in government savings. How much have they actually saved so far?
–– It’s all going to wealthiest, so a trick question.
Elon Musk calls Social Security ‘the biggest Ponzi scheme of all time’ as calls mount to remove contribution caps for billionaires
–– Ponzi jumps the shark.
Trump administration terminated funding for aid programs it said were lifesaving
–– Read our lips: DEATH IS GOAL!
USAID reinstates contracts for Georgia company that helps feed malnourished kids after Elon Musk responds to CNN reporting
–– So getting him to read anything besides X helps?
Meet Everyone Hates Elon, the U.K.-Based Collective Attempting to Take Down Musk: “Let’s Make Billionaires Losers Again”
–– What day was that?
During immigration raid, DHS Secretary Noem says ICE bringing 'consequences'
–– She's not bring truth.
Trump is fast dismantling the free press. We all have to stop him.
–– Read this to your owner, Milbank.
RFK Jr.’s Spokesperson Resigns After Fight on Deadly Measles Outbreak
–– After boss can’t change his spots.
Kennedy touts unconventional therapies for measles linked to disciplined Texas doctor
–– References Harry Potter spell.
He Fought Claims of Harm From Infant Formula. Now He Regulates It.
–– What a weaner.
‘One of the rudest audiences’: Republican senator abruptly leaves contentious town hall
–– Talk about ass hurt.
Melania Trump advocates against ‘mean-spirited and hurtful online behavior’ in first public remarks of new term
–– Is ‘dumb c**t’ hurtful?
Melania Trump advocates for 'Take It Down Act' on Capitol Hill
–– What, her top in photo shoot?
Fed Chair Powell says he’s not worried about the economy amid Trump’s tariff chaos
–– High on Fedanyl.
FiveThirtyEight is gone. Its legacy will endure.
–– Inaccurate, misleading polls rule.
Trump WARNS Zelensky TODAY That U.S. Will 'NOT PUT UP WITH IT', European Leaders Stand Behind Kyiv
–– His adherence to reality that is.
The Real Reason Zelenskyy Doesn’t Wear a Suit
–– Never mastered Windsor knot.
As Trump pauses Ukraine military aid, Russia launches a drone attack
–– Coordination with Russia only part of Administration succeeding.
Trump Wants Americans to ‘Spend Less Time Worrying About Putin’
–– We do have own tyrant to fret about.
Rubio Melts Down on Air Over Accusation U.S. Is ‘Placating Putin’
–– In latest slang for ‘gently massaging scrotum while kicking shit out of adversary.’
Washington now ‘largely aligns’ with Moscow’s vision, Kremlin says
–– Even agree on curtains for Kyiv’s presidential palace.
Families of North Korean troops captured in Russia 'will be executed,' former Pyongyang soldier tells ABC News
–– Small price to pay for stay in cushy POW camp.
UK Culture Secretary Meeting BBC Chair “Urgently” Over ‘Gaza: How To Survive A Warzone’ Controversy
–– Hamas propaganda on telly a ruddy bother?
JD Vance describes Britain as 'random country that hasn't fought a war in 40 years'
–– Apparently took A Vance Placement History.
Lesotho insulted after Trump says nobody has heard of the country
–– Certainly no President of United States ever.
Bodies are piled in the street as violence escalates between Syrian forces and Assad loyalists
–– Assad state of affairs.
The LA Times’ new AI tool sympathized with the KKK. Its owner wasn’t aware until hours later
–– Then gave it thumbs up.
High anxiety and whispers of a conclave: How the Vatican is dealing with Pope Francis’ hospitalization
–– Is this time to stream movie?
DEI Is Disappearing In Hollywood. Was It Ever Really Here?
–– Or just another CGI special effect?
Conan O’Brien Jokes He Only Took Oscar Hosting Duties “So That I Could Be Invited”; Gives Billy Crystal & Jimmy Kimmel Shoutout
–– Stephen Colbert, 'What the hell?!'
TV Ratings: Oscars Draw 18M Viewers, Down From 2024
–– Approx. 2M more that domestic BO of Best Pic.
TV Ratings: Updated Oscars Numbers Show Five-Year Highs
–– Make that 3.5M.
‘Mami!’: Zoe Saldaña searches for her mom in the crowd after Oscar win
–– Least icky part of teary acceptance speech.
Zoe Saldaña Apologizes at Oscars After ‘Many Mexicans Felt Offended’ by ‘Emilia Pérez’: ‘That Was Never Our Intention’
–– Offers to say ‘Perdón’ to each miffed party.
Selena Gomez’s Oscars look was made with over 16,000 drops of glass
–– Glass half empty.
Diane Warren Reflects on Losing Best Original Song Oscar for the 16th Time: ‘I’m Consistent as F—’
–– And as talented.
For Some Fans, Demi Moore’s Upset Loss for Best Actress Stung
–– But most fans acknowledged she’s lousy actress.
Demi Moore Ended Oscar Night With Trays of French Fries and Praise From Her Daughters After Best Actress Loss: ‘My Winner’ and She’s ‘Nothing But Integrity’
–– Carbs rarer than Oscar for her.
Adrien Brody ‘Didn’t Think About’ Swallowing His Gum Before Oscar Speech, So He Threw It to His Girlfriend: ‘I Had to Get Rid of It Somehow’
–– Couldn’t he have swallowed half of acceptance speech?
“Shut That Crap Off!”: 13 Winners Who Powered Through the Awards-Show Playoff Music
–– And had viewers yelling that during awful orations.
Andrew Garfield comes to Goldie Hawn’s aid as she reveals eye condition
–– Refusal to wear glasses.
Macaulay Culkin ‘Cried’ Over Brother Kieran’s Oscar Win and Only Watched His Category: ‘There Was No Way He Was Not Going to Win’
–– Didn’t make Home Alone face?
Bill Maher Says ‘Anora’ Beat Out ‘Emilia Pérez’ at Oscars Due to “Cancel Culture”
–– Campaign blew a Gascón.
Jesse Eisenberg Granted Polish Citizenship After ‘A Real Pain’ Oscar Win: ‘An Honor of a Lifetime’
–– A real paean.
What Happened to Morgan Freeman’s Hand? Details on His Devastating Accident That Led to Injury
–– Won’t be able to clap back?
Oscars 2026: First Blind Predictions Including Timothée Chalamet, Emma Stone, ‘Wicked: For Good’ and More
–– Also kinda deaf, dumb?
How Streaming Is Making Us All Cinema-Illiterate
–– To go along with generally-illiterate.
'The Studio' Co-Creator Seth Rogen Says Martin Scorsese Told Him 'You Guys Say “F---” Too Much'
–– The accidental Tourette's.
‘Hamilton’ Producers Cancel Upcoming Kennedy Center Engagement Following Trump Takeover: “Some Institutions Are Sacred And Should Be Protected From Politics”
–– In room where shit happens.
This Shane Gillis bit about ‘CouplaBeers’ is being called ‘the best SNL skit in 20 years’
–– Talk about damning with faint praise.
’Santa Clause’ star David Krumholtz ‘almost died’ from smoking pot: ‘No one talks about’ how ‘dangerous’ it is
–– You were too high to hear them.
Patrick Schwarzenegger Says He Auditioned for ‘Superman’ but Was Told It ‘Wasn’t for You’: ‘I Don’t Think I Got Any Feedback’
–– That’s not feedback?
Bill Murray ‘Wept Three Times’ During ‘SNL50’: ‘It Was Surprisingly Emotional’ and ‘I Couldn’t Stop’
–– Certainly not from laughing.
Bill Murray Slams John Belushi Biography as 'Criminal' and 'Cruel'; Calls Out Author Bob Woodward: 'If He Did This to Belushi, What He Did to Nixon Is Probably Soiled For Me'
–– Um, gee, Bill, Nixon soiled self.
'Longlegs' Director Says 'F— Jeff Bezos' When Asked About James Bond; Edward Berger's 007 Interest Shifts With Amazon in Control: 'It's a Different Equation'
–– Short-arms.
Why Kevin Hart Says He “Almost Died” While Day Drinking With Seth Meyers
–– Trying to punch up boring anecdote.
Walton Goggins reveals he was bitten by snake on“ The White Lotus” set, went to hospital: 'Really terrified'
–– Better than being bitten by his character Rick.
A Guide to Lady Gaga’s ‘Mayhem’ References: David Bowie, Prince, Herself, and More
–– You’re gonna need your OED!
‘I ate acid for two months straight. It was the best time of my life’: Americana anarcho-punk Sunny War on booze, drugs and the KKK
–– Someone who’s opinion you’d value.
FBI: Most Wanted’ and ‘FBI: International’ Canceled at CBS
–– FBI: Few Wanted.
Here’s How You Convince Amanda Seyfried to Leave The Farm
–– $$$.
Amber Rose Is Unrecognizable in New Photo After Major Style Switch-Up
–– But that is Prada bag over head?
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. reveals final counteroffer to Blue Jays was 'much less' than Juan Soto's deal with Mets
–– So not certifiably insane?
Trump says U.S. trade tensions with Mexico, Canada will make World Cup more exciting
–– Sounds like he's taken header with wrecking ball.
Kroger’s CEO abruptly resigns after probe into personal conduct
–– Shelved.
I Was Eating Alone When A Man Came Up And Said 4 Words That Have Haunted Me Throughout My Life
–– 'Waiter spit in that.'
My Partner Snores. How Can I Get Some Sleep
–– Pillow held securely over face for several minutes.
Why not get rid of grades?
–– Students still not dumb enough?
A 40-day Target boycott starts today. It couldn’t come at a worse time for the company
–– Bullseye!
In North Korea’s desolate border city, Western tourists return – and are shocked by what they find
–– Desolation!
Carnival Cruise Line makes another ban very clear
–– No poop deck jokes during Norovirus outbreaks.
Naked passenger removed from Southwest flight
–– Overhead rack with her seat in upright position.
The US is struggling to hire air traffic controllers. A surprising age limit and grueling schedules could fuel the problem
–– Not enough takers for crash course?
Why scientists say this stunning ancient lake in Turkey might as well be on Mars
–– They’ve never been to Mars.
The Most Divisive Restaurant in London Is Open Only for Lunch
–– Would you eat anything made by twee twosome?
Four people charged with operating ‘one of the largest human smuggling rings in the nation’
–– Lots of big, tall choices.
South Carolina death row inmate to be executed by firing squad, first in US in 15 years
–– Or state-sponsored mass shooting.
What a Crab Sees Before It Gets Eaten by a Cuttlefish
–– Did you recover his iPhone?
Creature that can 'punch [its] way through aquarium glass' found inhabiting new waters: 'It's not something to celebrate'
–– If you’re in glass-bottom boat.
It has an incredibly painful bite and you can die just hours after being bitten
–– Great White Shark?
Genetically engineered mouse with woolly fur is a step toward resurrecting extinct mammoth, company says
–– In smallest way possible.
Dying dog sits in yard waiting for attention. Neighbors are lining up.
–– To screw pooch.
Vaccination rates are declining and measles cases are climbing. More preventable diseases could re-emerge next
–– Make America Ill Again.
Unusually powerful March storm threatens to create a blizzard, tornadoes and fires as it crosses the US
–– Authorities warn of possible space-time portals.
Contradictory Accounts of Gene Hackman’s Health in His Final Months Emerge
–– It was natural causes, stop picking at corpse.
James Harrison, Whose Antibodies Helped Millions, Dies at 88
–– Donor, heal thyself.
