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Fool Epidemic
Week of 03/13/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump in Oval Office giving speech while wearing coronavirus foolscapTrump’s Error-Laden ‘Foreign Virus’ Speech Has Investors Spooked
–– Ill-conceived.

Kamala Harris endorses Joe Biden for president
–– Bused it.

White House MD: Trump doesn't need to be quarantined after interactions with 2 people who tested positive for coronavirus
–– Virus only thrives on human host.

Most Americans Don't Trust Trump to Tell Truth About Coronavirus: Poll
–– Because it involves words escaping from mouth.

NBA to suspend season after Jazz Center Rudy Gobert reportedly tests positive for coronavirus
–– Hoopsie!

A second Utah Jazz player tests positive for coronavirus, as a suspended NBA considers next steps
–– Put him down?

Brazilian president's press secretary tests positive for coronavirus, days after meeting Trump
–– So it’s spread by rats?

The Trump Administration Is Stalling an Intel Report That Warns the U.S. Isn’t Ready for a Global Pandemic
–– Entitled Stating the Obvious.

Lawmakers advised to give 'Star Trek' greeting to avoid contact as Hill prepares for coronavirus
–– We suggest one-finger-salute.

Apple says it's fine to wipe your iPhone with a Clorox wipe
–– And tongue with lye.

New York is producing its own hand sanitizer due to shortages caused by the coronavirus outbreak
–– Comes in seltzer bottle, can be used in egg creams.

Police seize likely homemade sanitizer from a 7-Eleven after a young boy was allegedly burned by it
–– Yeah, but so wuz virus.

If you spread coronavirus you'll probably be tracked down
–– And shot like rabid dog.

Tom Hanks Offers Advice as He and Rita Wilson Fight Coronavirus: Take 'Care of Ourselves and Each Other'
–– Obviously attacking ability to use pronouns.

Coronavirus: Boris Johnson told to 'get off your backside' as Labour launches blistering attack over UK response to outbreak
–– ‘You’re incubating microbes down there!’

The Coronavirus Pandemic Is Bringing Down Emissions, but Not for Long
–– So it’s actually cure for global warming?

Mars rover expected to launch this year delayed until 2022, partially due to coronavirus
–– Rover feeling sniffly.

Virus Makes Lobsters So Cheap That Sellers Face a Fatal Blow
–– Can they claw back?

Brigitte Nielsen's sons in Italy 'scared' amid lockdown
–– We were just about to ask.

Naomi Campbell wears hazmat suit to airport amid coronavirus outbreak
–– With adorable matching oxygen tank.

Silver Linings Plaguebook

Ted Cruz to extend self-quarantine after second interaction with individual who tested positive for coronavirus
–– Condemned to self.

Matt Gaetz, Who Mocked Coronavirus by Wearing Gas Mask on House Floor, Is Now in Quarantine
–– Who's a gas now?

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro tests positive for coronavirus days after Trump meeting
–– Blame it on Rio!

Marvel Has Suspended Main 'Shang-Chi' Shooting While The Director Awaits Coronavirus Test Results
–– Kung flu.

Pete Buttigieg Hosted Jimmy Kimmel Live Last Night Without an Audience
–– Laugh track should’ve been quarantined.

PornHub is offering free subscriptions to everyone quarantined in Italy during the coronavirus outbreak
–– Hand lotion not included.

Museums in the UK Decide to Remain Open Despite the Rest of Europe’s Cultural Institutions Heading Into Lockdown
–– Displaying stiff upper lips.

Super-rich jet off to disaster bunkers amid coronavirus outbreak
–– Can tickets be made one-way?

Andrew Gillum found in Miami Beach hotel room with suspected drugs, police say
–– Drugs insist they're talcum powder.

New chlamydia species discovered deep under the Arctic Ocean
–– Free condoms being offered to narwhals.

Snapping Shrimp Make More Noise in Warmer Oceans
–– Similar to gnats farting.

Sea Turtles Might Be Eating Old Plastic Because It Smells Like Shrimp
–– Ones that live near Red Lobster.

Crocs’ better parenting skills could make them more resilient to climate change
–– As will comfortable footwear.

Invasive Snails Might Save Coffee Crops From Fungus, but Experts Advise Caution
–– Try Snailbuck's Molluschino.

In Earth's early history, a day was 23.5 hours and a year lasted 372 days
–– And dinosaurs’ watches were freakin’ enormous.

Dinosaur the size of a hummingbird? Creature found in amber from 99 million years ago
–– Teensy-Rex.

Poland’s Only Cat Museum Puts Couple's Private Collection of Trinkets on Display
–– Them slippery Polecats!

‘Cat Tracker' study reveals the secret wanderings of 900 house cats
––And provides kinky live fetish cam.

When cats are free to roam, wildlife suffers
–– They make all life suffer.

Meet the man building a human zoo in China
–– President Xi?

Sleeping in same bed as your pet could improve your mental health – here’s why
–– Could have real fleas instead of Delusional Parasitosis.

Astronomers find over 100 minor planets at edge of solar system
–– Trying to get in without ID.

Trump-branded properties charged federal government at least $1.2 million, records show
–– Booked through travelobesity.com.

David Arquette on His 'Complicated' Journey with Addiction: 'It's Always Been a Slippery Slope'
–– Down mountain of snow.

Sarah Palin rapped 'Baby Got Back' on 'The Masked Singer'
–– Baby got balls.

Alex Trebek messes up two 'Jeopardy!' contestants' names, calls one 'Jessica Rabbit'
–– Gets worse when he accused her of killing Roger.

'Bloodshot' Is Another Fun Action Movie Ruined By Bad Camera Work
–– It was left on.

Colorado will replace Columbus Day with Cabrini Day, the first paid state holiday recognizing a woman in the US
–– Not Mother's Day?

Jon Bernthal to Star in 'American Gigolo' Update for Showtime
–– aka Ugly Richard Gere.

Harvey Weinstein Speaks at Sentencing Hearing: "I Am Totally Confused"
–– Take with grain of assault.

Harvey Weinstein Sentenced to 23 Years in Prison
–– Does that clear things up?

Prince Andrew 'Has Completely Shut the Door' on Working with Prosecutors on Jeffrey Epstein Probe
–– Hung ‘Gone Felching’ sign on it.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Bid Farewell To Royal Life With Hideously Awkward Family Meeting
–– Why, Andrew showed up?

Prince Andrew Allegedly Returns To Royal Life After Attending Special Ceremony
–– Royal Winnowing of Underage Models.

Prince William, Kate Middleton Are Reportedly Devoted To Firm While Duchess of Sussex Wanted To Do Things Their Way
–– Harry, Meghan to The Infirm.

Parents of woman who died by suicide share mental illness diary to help others feel ‘less alone’
–– You may want to join her.

Nick Jonas celebrated his first Holi with Priyanka Chopra in India, and the pictures are incredible
–– Holi shit.

Last Meals on Death Row, a Peculiarly American Fascination
–– Good till last drop?

Trump Endorses Tommy Tuberville (and Not Jeff Sessions) for Senate in Alabama
–– And Spuds Potatohead for sheriff.

Rare white giraffes killed by poachers at Kenyan wildlife sanctuary
–– Take it in neck.

Infowars’ Alex Jones accused of DWI
–– Driving While In-fucking-sane.

Christopher Nolan’s Editor Is Aware Viewers ‘Completely Misunderstand’ Nolan Movies
–– You can tell if they actually like them.

McDonald’s Announced 2 New Burgers Including A Massive Double Big Mac With 4 Patties
–– One for each heart valve.

‘Avatar’ Villain Stephen Lang Says Filming Four Sequels at Once ‘Gets a Little Confusing’
–– Along lines of ‘who wants even one?’

I Live With My Ex-Husband And Now His New Wife Has Moved In. Here's Why It Works For Us.
–– Utter lack of self-respect all around.

A 'Never Biden' movement vows not to vote for Joe
–– aka 'Always Trump.'

James Carville on Biden's big night: 'Let's shut this puppy down,' focus on beating Trump
–– 'Jest crank his itty-bitty tail left 'n' flip his flippy-floppy ears off.'

5 takeaways as Biden takes command of Democratic race on Super Tuesday II
–– 3. Kung Pao Chicken.

Biden gets in tense exchange with worker over gun rights: "You're full of sh**"
–– Worker: "You were full of sh**", Biden: "You will be full of sh**t."

Bill de Blasio's appeal to Elizabeth Warren falls flat
–– Like his appeal to everybody.

#ByeByeBernie Trends After Sanders Campaign Defeated in Key Primary Races
–– Kids! What’s the matter with kids today?

Bernie Sanders Says Joe Biden Can Beat Donald Trump: 'Don't Tell Anybody'
–– ‘Psst, and me.’

‘There’s a blind spot’: Sanders reboots black voter outreach
–– With disco platforms from 70s.

Rosario Dawson Says She Voted For Sanders After Cory Booker Endorsed Biden
–– Confirming choice in men stinks.

If you want to understand why Sanders is still running, look at the presidential election of 1912
–– When Bernie was college sophomore.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Refused To Campaign More For Bernie Sanders
–– Fair-weather fiend.

Bernie Sanders needs his hotel rooms to be 60 degrees, close to the ice machine but not too far from the elevator
–– Otherwise corpse begins to decompose.

Why the Bloomberg Campaign Really Isn't Over
–– Just used stake through heart, decapitation recommended.

Trump thinks everyone's out to get him. Democrats think most people like them.
–– Rank the delusion.

Charlie Sheen Again Denies Corey Feldman’s ‘Outlandish’ Accusation of Raping Corey Haim
–– Spares Corey details.

The Oscars Are Reportedly Considering Bringing Back Hosts After Two Years Without Them
–– Like ushers on Titanic.

Robert Durst’s defense: He found his friend’s dead body and fled in panic
–– If you believe Durstbag.

Alex Rodriguez confirms interest in buying Mets: 'I would certainly look at it'
–– A-Rod areel.

Who got America to the moon? An unlikely collaboration of Jewish and former Nazi scientists and engineers
–– Not Hidden Figures women?!

Russia’s Parliament Passes Law Enabling Putin to Run for President Again
–– Putin first things first.

A driver was pulled over with expired 1997 license plate tags. He says he's been busy
–– Still working on Rubik's Cube.

Kristen Bell said Dax Shepard had the “best response” when their daughter used the “f-word”
–– “Yes, honey, I am one.”

Rob Lowe Moved in with Princess Stephanie After One Night Together
–– On down Lowe.

Barry Bonds Says MLB Gave Him a 'Death Sentence': 'My Heart, It's Broken'
–– PEDs might help.

Lawyer: Man killed by officer was asleep when police fired
–– Dead to world after.

Zimbabwe Gives Land Back to White Farmers After Wrecking Economy
–– Ditch the dirt.

Nazi salutes, Molotov cocktails rock massive Mexico women's march
–– Plus-sized senoritas don't seem to mind.

A seafood salesman accused of smuggling $7 million worth of endangered baby eels has been sentenced
–– In his shorts!

The Stock Market Is in Free Fall. Here’s One Way to Think About Where It Stops.
–– See that open window here on 50th floor?

‘I don’t want to use the b-word’: Trump aides race to rescue the economy
–– Aren’t all his words ‘bullshit?’

Oil is down 21% after its biggest drop in decades following Saudi price cuts that sparked a race to the bottom with Russia
–– Saudi, Russia both picks for lowest of low.

Saudi Arabia-Russia Oil Price War: How Long Will It Last and Who Will Win?
–– Too long, no one?

Syria's war turns 9: How barbarity, confusion and indifference helped Bashar Assad prosper
–– And what gift to launch over there.

Meet the two-legged dog competing to be the Cadbury Bunny
–– A chocolate lab, at least?

Trump was asked how he would protect health coverage for pre-existing conditions if Obamacare was wiped out. Here's his full answer.
–– ‘Homina homina homina.’

We’re Number One: U.S. Dominates Global Arms Trade — Again
–– Joint Chiefs hold up over-sized foam hands with a missile-shaped middle finger reading #1.

Conor McGregor lavishes praise on 'Phenomenal President' Donald Trump
–– Punch drunk love.

How to Cook With Plant-Based Meats
–– Toss them in fire pit.

How Tyson Fury's Irish Traveller heritage prepared him to be boxing's biggest new star
–– And how name didn't hurt.

Trump Says ‘People Have to Remain Calm’ Amid Coronavirus Outbreak
–– 'Despite me.'

The Worst-Case Estimate for U.S. Coronavirus Deaths
–– For those who like to dream.

Pence: 'I don't think there's confusion' after clarifications to Trump's coronavirus address
–– ‘I’m befuddled on that point.’

Televangelist Jim Bakker Ordered By Attorney General To Stop Selling Fake Cure For Coronavirus
–– Contacted to join Pence response team.

Gloria Gaynor fights coronavirus by taking her hit song 'I Will Survive' to the sink
–– In which we will barf.

Why Is Alleged Quack Dr. Oz the Face of NBC’s ‘Coronavirus Crisis Team’?
–– If it quacks like a quack…

CDC warns against long plane trips and cruises as coronavirus cases mount
–– Travel industry dares you to find one.

ISIS issues tips on how jihadists can avoid getting coronavirus
–– 3. Blow up Great Satan’s microbe!

As Coronavirus Pandemic Sweeps the Globe, Trump Authorizes New Bombing Campaign in the Middle East
–– ISIS: ‘Like that!’

Scott Disick launches limited edition 'wash your hands' merchandise
–– If you’re dis sick.

The Guy Who Wore a Giant Donut in Public to Enforce Social Distancing Is the Hero We Need
–– Who the hell are you?

Scaramucci: Expect more market volatility from the coronavirus
–– Thanks, Carnak.

A 'social network' may have connected immobile sea creatures
–– Fossilbook.

Roundup of Saudi Royals Expands With Detention of a 4th Prince
–– Keffiyeh klatsch.

Erik Prince Recruits Ex-Spies to Help Infiltrate Liberal Groups
–– Prince of the shitty.

A malfunction causes red wine to flow from faucets in an Italian town
–– Rosso never sleeps.

’Legendary’ chef Michel Roux dies aged 78
–– Roux the day.

Mart Crowley, ‘Boys in the Band’ Playwright, Dies at 84
–– Boy in the box.

Max von Sydow, Star of ‘Seventh Seal’ and ‘Exorcist,’ Dies at 90
–– Checkmate.

McCoy Tyner, Jazz Pianist and John Coltrane Quartet Member, Dies at 81
–– Took cold train.

The Curiosity rover found organic molecules on Mars. This is why they're exciting
–– Love to party.

How daylight saving time works and why these states want to ditch the time change
–– Beat the clock!