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Suck It Up
Week of 04/03/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Jared Kushner at a coronavirus briefing holding a Frank Booth-style face mask saying "It's Our Stockpile!"Jared Kushner Ripped For Saying 'Our Stockpile' Isn't Meant For States To Use
–– Mouthbreathers need ventilators, too!

Corona beer stops production
–– Disinfectant not ‘essential’?

Putting Jared Kushner In Charge Is Utter Madness
–– Why? He solved Middle East peace.

White House Moves Toward Promoting Face Masks to Fight Coronavirus
–– Ball gag for President?

Trump tweets blame in all directions over ventilators for coronavirus, except at himself
–– Sucking oxygen out of room.

Trump's approval rating is up most among those who don't vote
–– Or think.

McConnell: Impeachment trial 'diverted' attention from coronavirus crisis in China
–– From attention span of flea.

Prisons Breed the Coronavirus. We Can Safely Free Thousands of Inmates.
–– Because you're not out on street.

A Hoarder’s Huge Stockpile of Masks and Gloves Will Now Go to Doctors and Nurses, F.B.I. Says
–– If they take 100 cats, too.

Lawsuits Swell as Owners, From Gun Shops to Golf Courses, Demand to Open
–– At least lawyers still working overtine.

C.D.C. says all Americans should wear masks. Trump says the rule is voluntary.
–– If face ever needed mask.

‘There’s Always a Rainbow After the Rain.’ Challenged by Coronavirus, LGBTQ Communities Worldwide Plan Digital Pride Celebrations
–– In latest slang for dry finger fuck.

AMC CEO: We don't have a penny of revenue coming in the door
–– Animated popcorn, large Coke file for unemployment.

Stephen Colbert Gets TMI About Andrew Cuomo's Possibly Pierced Nipples
–– Fails to perk up interest.

Chris Cuomo lost 13 pounds in 3 days due to coronavirus: 'You suffer when you have this'
–– Don’t give dieters any ideas.

COVID-19 Pandemic Could Lead to Fall in CO2 Not Seen Since the End of WWII
–– Don’t give Greta Thunberg any ideas.

Fewer People on Beaches During Coronavirus Pandemic Could Be Good News for Sea Turtles
–– But gulls ‘undernourished’ without hot dog rolls, Cracker Jacks.

’Shoot them dead' - Philippine leader says won't tolerate lockdown violators
–– Can Duarte oversee Spring Break?

Pink jellyfish invade the Philippines due to deserted beaches
–– Ordered shot because they’re pink and probably… y’know.

Anger Builds in Congress Over Richard Burr’s Coronavirus Stock Trade
–– Errin’ Burr.

Ivanka Trump Thinks Quarantined Parents Have Time to Read Greek Epics and Learn New Instruments
–– Yeah, the Illiad, sicksophone.

Jennifer Aniston Serves Up Delicious Surprise For Nurse With Coronavirus
–– Central Perk scones frozen since Friends went off air.

California Has More Pending Coronavirus Tests Than Results—With Some Waiting 12 Days for Confirmation
–– And more screenplays about pandemic than pending tests.

Documents show backlog of 160,000 coronavirus tests at just one lab company
–– Generous Trump suggests giving them all passing grade.

Trump Attacks Hospitals As Insatiable ‘Complainers’ Amid Crisis
–– Offers to teach them thing or two.

As Trump reaches for hope and journalists shoot him down, reporters end up looking bad
–– Only hope he’s grasping for revives around reelection.

Krispy Kreme Will Give You A Dozen Donuts Saturday To Safely Share With Your Friends
–– With slection of COVID quack cure toppings.

Trump administration ended pandemic early-warning program to detect coronaviruses
–– Replaced with Krispy Kreme 'hot lights' alert system.

New Yorkers Are Right to Be Skeptical of Evangelical-Run Coronavirus Ward in Central Park
–– Where they try to infect you with Spirit.

The 1,000-Bed Comfort Was Supposed to Aid New York. It Has 20 Patients.
–– Would someone please get sick with something other than COVID-19?

US sheds 701,000 jobs, ending a record-long hiring streak
–– COVID action.

Rubio specifies journalists for ‘glee’ in virus deaths
–– Ones’ whose demise he’d be ecstatic about?

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis Thinks COVID-19 Circulated During Super Bowl 54
–– LIV and let die.

‘We Didn’t Know That Until the Last 24 Hours’: Georgia Gov. Says He Just Found Out People Without Symptoms Can Spread Coronavirus
–– Also just heard about Sherman March on Atlanta.

Brian Kemp Is What You Get When Allegiance to Trump Is All That Matters
–– Sleepaway Kemp.

Indian economy was rolling down a hill. With Covid-19, it’s falling off a cliff
–– Positively drupee.

Loss of smell from coronavirus: How to test your sense
–– Think this clickbait stinks?

Why Are So Many More Men Dying from Coronavirus?
–– And can I use fact to promote my book?

OK But Why Are Members of Congress Allowed to Play the Stock Market in the First Place?
–– Have so much time during filibusters.

New disclosure reveals Sen. Kelly Loeffler and her husband dumped retail stock and bought shares in a company that manufacturers medical supplies
–– In coincidence that makes you believe in leprechauns.

‘We are on the verge of a massive collapse': Ex-Energy Secretary Perry says COVID-19 will ravage oil industry
–– Pinhead Rick uses royal we?

The US intelligence community has reportedly concluded that China intentionally misrepresented its coronavirus numbers
–– Happy to share infection, not data.

Ian Bremmer: World Health Organization 'carrying a lot of water' for China during coronavirus pandemic
–– Stagnant, infected water.

GOP Rep. Devin Nunes again questions coronavirus distancing measures, calls California school closures 'way overkill'
–– Or way to kill over?

A Million N95 Masks Are Coming From China—on Board the New England Patriots’ Plane
–– Have option to attach to football helmet.

Coronavirus: Man jailed for six months for stealing PPE from London ambulance
–– Will need ass mask.

Saudis Deploy Clerics to Say Fighting Virus Isn’t Anti-Islamic
–– Instruct believers to imagine it's itsy-bitsy Great Satan.

K-pop star Kim Jae-joong apologizes after telling fans on April Fools' Day he had coronavirus
–– For disappointing with truth?

The US paid millions of taxpayer dollars to a company for thousands of much-needed ventilators. But the company is busy selling more expensive models abroad.
–– Wasting our breath.

New York Times: 2,000 ventilators in federal stockpile don't work because of a maintenance lapse
–– States gasping for air.

Trump just acknowledged downplaying the coronavirus threat: 'I knew it could be horrible'
–– Response couldn’t be more horrible.

Trump shifted on COVID-19 after seeing New York morgue trucks on cable news, listening to Dr. Fauci
–– And watching Walking Dead which advisors told him was live footage from Georgia.

Coronavirus threat reportedly 'hit home' for Trump after a close friend was hospitalized
–– The agony of having to send Get Well card forced him to act.

MyPillow CEO Rants Against 'Evil' Media For Coverage Of His White House Briefing
–– Shove a pillow case in it.

Journalists are skipping Trump's daily coronavirus press briefings, saying they don't have enough news value
–– Afraid they won't catch something.

Reporter from pro-Trump channel attends White House coronavirus briefing, defying press corps
–– Corps workout.

Nobel prize-winning economist: The relief package turned out better than I thought it would
–– 'They spelled 'coronavirus' right and everything.'

US Surgeon General says "aggressive mitigation" helped Washington and California "flatten their curve"
–– Along with endless squats.

Why Asia’s New Coronavirus Controls Should Worry the World
–– Which was pretty much whistling Dixie till it saw this.

Inside a socially distanced -- and slowed down -- White House
–– How much slower can it get?

How to stay fit when the gym is closed and you are stuck at home
–– 100 reps cleaning, jerking remote.

White House task force actively discussing whether public should be wearing masks, Fauci says
–– And necklaces made of hens’ teeth.

James Dolan, Madison Square Garden Chairman and New York Knicks Owner, Tests Positive for Coronavirus
–– Dribbling after travelling.

As people across the globe are told to stay inside, many are turning to alcohol — but it could be making you sick
–– Not as much as these warnings.

Virus coordinator Birx is Trump's data-whisperer
–– Horse’s-ass-whisperer.

Lou Dobbs: Health Experts Not Recognizing Donald Trump's 'Leadership'
–– Oh, they recognize ‘leadership’, heavy on quote marks.

Trump Asks CDC to Issue "Strong Travel Advisory" for New York, New Jersey, Connecticut
–– And to add “they’re all fake-news-spewing libtard bastards.’

Media mogul David Geffen observes a sunset from his $400 million superyacht, as coronavirus ravages his native New York: ‘I’m hoping everybody is staying safe’
–– Grateful New York: 'We're praying your Dom Perignon is chilled to 45º F.'

Divorce on the Rise as Couples Are Forced To Spend Time Together in Isolation
–– Separating-in-place?

Fauci said he's 'willing to bet anything' that people who recover from the new coronavirus are 'really protected from reinfection'
–– His life?

Trump Reportedly Wants to Make Sure His Signature Is on the Coronavirus Stimulus Checks
–– If he signs all in blood.

A Wuhan seafood vendor believed to be one of the first coronavirus patients says 'a lot fewer people would have died' if the Chinese government acted sooner
–– He's now being used as bait.

Boris Johnson's government is reportedly furious with China and believes it could have 40 times more coronavirus cases than it claims
–– If you can't trust

Coronavirus: Police left in 'absolute shock' after finding 25 adults and children at karaoke party despite lockdown
–– Singing Fever.

Disneyland and Walt Disney World to remain closed because of coronavirus
–– Pluto, Goofy still scrubbing every surface with toothbrush.

Pelosi on Trump's coronavirus response: 'As the President fiddles, people are dying'
–– Did Caligula fiddle, too?

Pelosi forms new select committee to oversee $2 trillion coronavirus relief package
–– Members have to love farce.

Not too Posh to wash! Victoria Beckham and Joan Collins lead the way as celebrities adjust to life without 'the help' during coronavirus crisis
–– At Beck and call?

Cuomo on possible New York quarantine: 'I don't think it's legal' and it would be a 'federal declaration of war'
–– And Trump's plan for 1430 mi. police tape border 'unworkable.'

The coronavirus is the worst intelligence failure in US history
–– By worst intelligence in US history.

The Lost Month: How a Failure to Test Blinded the U.S. to Covid-19
–– Which followed the Lost Three Years.

President Trump scolds ABC News reporter Jon Karl: Don't be a cutie-pie
–– ‘With those darling glasses and fetching blonde hair.’

Silver Linings Plaguebook

15 Wines Under $15: Inexpensive Bottles for Stay-at-Home Drinking
–– You won't mind using as hand sanitizers.

The Bronx Zoo Is Also Empty, but the Animals Don’t Mind
–– Though chimps demand cutouts of humans near enclosures when pleasuring selves.

Justin Bieber Postpones All 2020 Tour Dates Due to Coronavirus Crisis
–– Can’t risk Bieber fever.

Young Thug Estimates He Is Losing Millions Of Dollars Due To The Coronavirus
–– While saving untold ear drums, brain cells.

Larry David started a GoFundMe for golf caddies affected by coronavirus
–– Clubhouse workers teed off.

Elton John’s ‘Living Room Concert for America’ Raises $8 Million for Coronavirus Relief
–– Sofa so good.

Trish Regan Out at Fox Business After Coronavirus Comments
–– Replaced by guest hoax.

Gas prices fall below $2 a gallon on average in the United States
–– Free when you can’t drive anywhere.

NASA goes back to the future and revives its formerly forbidden ‘worm’ logo
–– Had been grounded.

Trump fires intelligence community watchdog who told Congress about whistleblower complaint that led to impeachment
–– Will replace whistle with one so high-pitched only actual dogs can hear it.

Democrats Press FCC To Assure Broadcasters Their Licenses Won’t Be In Jeopardy After Trump Campaign Legal Threat
–– FCC promises some will still be avalbale via VHF.

Delay in Trump's financial documents cases clouds House power on investigations
–– House power under biggest cloud since Sandy.

Trump campaign sends letter to Sessions demanding he stop invoking Trump
–– Every time he says ‘God damn!’

Chuck Schumer 'appalled' by Trump's letter calling him a 'bad' senator
–– And slam of hair transplant 'uncalled for.'

Susan Rice Says Trump 'Can't Stomach Strong Black Women'
–– But just because they’re black and women.

Alyssa Milano calls for 'intellectually bankrupt' Bernie Sanders to end campaign amid the coronavirus pandemic
–– Wow, she’s never seemed sexier.

A comedian offered donations in exchange for stories about Ellen DeGeneres being 'one of the meanest people alive.' He got 2,000 replies.
–– 'Ellen wheels!

How I finally fell for Florida
–– Blackjack to back of head from drug runner.

FDA calls for heartburn drug Zantac to be pulled from market immediately
–– Maker Sanofi feels burn.

Mice Have Different Facial Expressions For Different Emotions
–– Have one and a half emotions, but still…

In Groundbreaking Find, Three Kinds of Early Humans Unearthed Living Together in South Africa
–– At site of first known sitcom.

The Woman Who Gave Birth to Rabbits, a History of Hell and Other New Books to Read
–– Gave birth in Hell?

Bizarre life-forms found thriving in ancient rocks beneath the seafloor
–– Really self-isolating.

Robotic sea turtle shows promise as fish farm inspector
–– If you don't count all the fish freaking out.

Meet the Bee With a Body That’s Half Male, Half Female
–– And all action!

Amber With Two Flies That Got Stuck Mating 40 Million Years Ago Discovered
–– In longest case of coitus interrupts ever recorded.

Tooth be told: Earless seals existed in ancient Australia
–– Eye nose that.

Huge feral hogs invading Canada, building ‘pigloos’ as they go
–– For chilled swine.

Woman's Eye Bulging from Socket Was Caused by a Baby Tapeworm-filled Cyst
–– Doctors assumed it was caused by bill they administered.

Where Are All the Women CEOs?
–– On TV conferring with African-American ones.

Eagle-eyed 'Little Women' fans spot modern drinks bottles in scene background
–– Unravelling time travel subplot.

For This N.B.A. Rookie, Reality TV Is an Escape That Feels Like Home
–– Grew up on Jersey Shore?

Obama slams rollback of vehicle emission standards in rare rebuke of Trump
–– Should backend him regularly.

‘Schitt’s Creek’: After Six Incomparable Seasons, the Roses Are Ready to Say Goodbye
–– ‘Schitt’s Creek’ up.

11 'Star Trek: Picard' Easter Eggs From the Finale
–– That all resemble him.

Never-Seen Photographs of Doris Day Emerge Prior to Estate Auction
–– See light of Day.

Birds Of Prey's Director Was Not Happy The Movie Was Called A Flop So Early
–– One might label five minutes in 'prescient.'

'Bird of Prey' Filmmaker Cathy Yan Reflects on Box Office and Scene She Fought For
–– To assure it flopped.

Johnny Depp's Defamation Suit Against Amber Heard Survives Demurrer
–– Dumb and demurrer.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's New Home Will Have a Skate Park and "Urine Garden"
–– Filled with peeonies?

Is Princess Beatrice's wedding off? Sarah Ferguson says it's postponed as coronavirus pandemic continues
–– Oh Bea-have!

Tomorrow is Census Day. Here's what you need to know about the 2020 count
–– It’s gonna be a little lighter this year.

Everything Is Negotiable in This Asparagus Salad
–– Tossing it in compost heap?

William Frankland, Pioneering Allergist, Dies at 108
–– Nothing to sneeze at.

’Lean On Me,’ ‘Lovely Day’ singer Bill Withers dies at 81
–– Withers away.

Krzysztof Penderecki, Composer of 'The Exorcist' and 'The Shining,' Dies at 86
–– Toned down.

Tom Coburn, a staunch conservative dubbed the 'Dr. No' of Congress, has died at 72
–– Dr: 'Yes.'

Joseph Lowery, civil rights leader, dies at 98
–– Lowery into ground.