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Rat Race
Week of 06/12/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump drives the General Lee car from The Dukes of Hazzard in the 2020 presidential race as a statue of CSA President Jefferson Davis waves the checkered flagNASCAR bans Confederate flags at all races, events
–– Checkered past flag.

The Floyd Protests Show That Twitter Is Real Life
–– Then ‘real’, ‘life’ meaningless.

Press secretary claims Juneteenth is a 'meaningful day' to Trump but others see racist play
–– Hastens to add he loves ‘Juneighteenth’, too.

Trump Moves Tulsa Rally Date ‘Out of Respect’ for Juneteenth
–– Was hoping to nail down Bloomsday.

Republican Group Says Trump Just Became The 'Confederacy's Second President'
–– Jefferson Doofus.

Top General Apologizes for Being at Trump Church Photo Shoot
–– Run of the Milley response.

Trump: “The concept of chokehold sounds so innocent, so perfect”
–– Big fan of necking.

Trump Homeland Security official says he believes George Floyd would not have been spared if he were white
–– He wouldn’t have been reported, arrested, knocked down either, but hypotheticals are hypotheticals.

Trump shares Candace Owens interview saying ‘George Floyd was not a good person’
–– Candace buggin’.

DC mayor says federal response to protests led to larger groups participating peacefully
–– Trump bump.

‘Ugh’: Republicans cringe after Trump's attack on 75-year-old protester
–– ‘Ugh’ boots?

Trump’s tweet on injured 75-year-old man shows there's no bottom
–– He’s all ass.

The 75-year-old Buffalo man seriously injured by police 'had a good chuckle' over Trump's tweet
–– Fell down laughing?

Man who allegedly ran over protesters is an admitted leader of the KKK, officials say
–– Even car’s hood had hood.

Police officer who gave protesters the middle finger stripped of police powers
–– Was on bird patrol.

Fraternal Order Of Police President: 'We All Agree That We Need To Have Some Reform'
–– ‘Some’ of all evils.

Covert Racism And White Privilege Are Perpetuated In Grocery Stores And Restaurants Every Day
–– Aisle bet.

UK rapper Wretch 32 shares video of his father being Tasered by police
–– Make you want to throw up?

‘Gone with the Wind' pulled from HBO Max until it can return with 'historical context'
–– Goin’ South.

Bill Barr Defends Attack on Peaceful Protesters: ‘Pepper Spray Is Not a Chemical Irritant’
–– ‘I use it to gargle.’

Trump wanted to deploy 10,000 troops in Washington D.C., official says
–– Around WH to protect him in bunker.

'Go Back To Your Bunker,' Seattle Mayor Tells Trump In Spat Over Protests
–– His ‘Archie Bunker?’

Trump broke his all-time tweeting record amid nationwide protests, sending more tweets in a single day than he did during his impeachment trial
–– And boy, are his lips tired.

Christopher Columbus statue pulled down, draped in burning flag in VA
–– It’s not even October 12!

Snoop Dogg addresses Trump supporters: 'F--k you’
–– Puts on great coat, stovepipe hat and everything.

Thousands Of Workers Say Their Jobs Are Unsafe As Economy Reopens
–– Cast off thousands?

Over 1,300 Chinese Medical Suppliers to U.S. –– Including Mask Providers –– Use Bogus Registration Data
–– Don’t you expect cover-up from them?

Transgender Health Protections Reversed By Trump Administration
–– To celebrate Pride Month.

Trump says he will 'do other things' if he loses 2020 election
–– Macramé, scrap-booking, race war.

Trump to accept nomination in Jacksonville after moving most of convention out of Charlotte
–– Party Jax off.

Bon Appétit editor Adam Rapoport resigns over 'brown face' photo
–– Wasn’t it more ‘sauté face?’

James Bennet resigns from New York Times after Cotton op-ed backlash
–– Cowardly publisher didn’t Cotton to it.

Philadelphia Inquirer Top Editor Resigns After Uproar Over ‘Building Matters, Too’ Headline
–– In low-rent move.

Seattle police want to return to vacated precinct in what protesters call an 'autonomous zone'
–– Told to steer clear of ‘erogenous’ one.

No Sign Of Antifa So Far In Justice Department Cases Brought Over Unrest
–– And white supremacists posing as Antifa?

Melania Trump Reportedly Delayed White House Move to Improve Prenup
–– Extortion clinic.

Expats buy Japanese country house for a song and get way more than they bargained for
–– House of the Rising Sun?

French troops kill Al-Qaeda's North Africa chief
–– Apparently had already been assaulted with ugly stick.

North Korea might be making millions -- and breaking sanctions -- selling sand. Yes, sand.
–– If you want to get granular about it.

Pelosi claims Georgia's primary election issues were 'by design'
–– Poll attacks.

Voter turnout soared in Georgia despite massive primary day problems
–– After lockdown, they’d stand on line for rotten peach.

Mike Huckabee ‘Livid’ at Republicans Who Won’t Bow Down to Trump
–– Livid: la vida loca.

Bolton plans to publish book in June even if White House doesn't give approval
–– Not likely selection of Donald’s Book Club?

‘Sorry’ is too little and too late, Roger Goodell
–– Commish takes knee…to groin.

Stassi Schroeder’s podcast vanishes after ‘Vanderpump Rules’ firing
–– As though censored by Stasi.

Lisa Vanderpump speaks out on 'Vanderpump Rules' stars being fired over racist claims
–– Vanderpump rues.

A teen who spent 10 hours cleaning up after a protest is rewarded with a car and a college scholarship
–– Parents pleading with kids to do chores tremble.

University of North Carolina Wilmington calls professor's tweets 'vile and inexcusable' following growing backlash online
–– Blown off coarse.

A Chinese soccer legend has called for the downfall of the Communist Party in shock videos
–– Let’s get ball rolling.

Carson says 'reserve judgment' on Trump's remarks in aftermath of George Floyd's death until President speaks again
–– Like he has for 3 and a half years.

Texas county GOP chair-elect won't assume office amid backlash for posting MLK quote with a banana
–– Slips on peel.

There’s a growing call to defund the police. Here's what it means
–– Lot of protesters must’ve been hit in head.

‘Shame!’: Minneapolis mayor booed out of protest for refusing to commit to abolish police
–– Arrested development.

Is 'Defund the Police' a massive political mistake?
–– Let’s just say Trump loves it.

Poland invaded the Czech Republic last month, but says it was just a big misunderstanding
–– Had Nazi collaboration flashback.

Poland and U.S. deny that Fort Trump proposal is bogged down
–– According to guy named Bogdan.

Dilapidated Polish palace named as secret repository of Nazi gold
–– Highly-Polished.

Magnolia Pictures Buys 'Stray' Doc on Istanbul Stray Dogs from Dogwoof
–– From Turkey shoot.

Sharon Stone Remembers 'Really Intense' Moment She Was Struck by Lightning: 'It Was So Crazy'
–– The Bolt and the Beautiful?

Byron Allen and Comcast Settle Racial Discrimination Lawsuit, Set Carriage Deal for 3 Channels
–– You can add to 993 you already don’t watch.

Listen: Why Ramy Youssef Was Convinced He Wasn’t Going to Win His Golden Globe
–– Smidgen of self-awareness.

J.K. Rowling Gets Backlash Over Anti-Trans Tweets
–– Expandemonium Molehillus!

What J.K. Rowling’s Anti-Trans Views Could Mean for ‘Fantastic Beasts’ Franchise — and ‘Harry Potter’ Fans
–– If you identify as trance gender?

Justice Department dropping Flynn case is 'a gross abuse of prosecutorial power,' court-appointed lawyer says
–– ‘Especially when those words ooze out of Barr’s grotesque maw.’

Colin Powell: Trump has 'drifted away' from the Constitution
–– Like it was Titanic after iceberg.

Colin Powell calls Trump a liar, says he skirts the Constitution, will vote Biden
–– And we know where he grabs anything in skirt.

Cory Booker says he's 'concerned' Trump won't accept election results in defeat but 'would sooner die' than let that happen
–– Who’s dying here?

Biden 'absolutely convinced' military would escort Trump from White House if he loses and refuses to leave
–– They could just remand to WH bunker for next four years.

Biden's Chances of Winning Election Jump 6 Points in One Week: Forecast
–– Remind us again of polls that had Clinton at over 90% probability on Election Day.

“Trump Has No Reparative Skills”: Cautious Optimism in Bidenworld as Trump Polling Craters
–– Even lizards can regrow tails.

Biden Comes This Close To Dropping An F-Bomb On Trump's 'Very Fine' Racists
–– So ‘Fantastic’ racists?

G.O.P. Platform, Rolled Over From 2016, Condemns the ‘Current President’
–– Was drafted by H.G. Wells.

Republicans across the spectrum slam RNC's decision to keep 2016 platform
–– Afraid it will be riskier to dive off of.

Buffalo police officers resign from unit in protest of suspended colleagues who shoved man, 75, to ground
–– No pushovers.

Fox News Apologizes For Graphic on Stock Market Gains After Killings and Civil Unrest
–– Though, unlike most of their reporting, accurate.

Foxes in cities are evolving to have smaller faces and skulls — similar to the way dogs and cats changed as they became domesticated
–– So tinier brains on Fox News?

Starbucks is closing up to 400 stores and expanding takeout options
–– So now only two per block in Manhattan.

Smugglers sold thousands of protected “living rock” cacti, found only in Big Bend
–– Went around Bend.

Great White Attack Recalled by Teen Who Came 'Face to Face' With Shark
–– And addressed him as ‘Sir.’

Great white sharks avoid the surface until they're big enough to scare you
–– So laugh at them and they might swim away.

Versatile symbionts: Reed beetles benefit from bacterial helpers through all life stages
–– Gee, that’s really…um…y’know, interesting.

Scientists Tour Elaborate, Deep Sea 'Snot Palaces' for the First Time
–– Where sea life really has attitude.

Pangolins receive surprising lifeline with new protections in China
–– Called a friend.

Bringing Back Sea Otters Benefits People, Too
–– Spend government checks on junk food.

Hotels in Italy Are Gradually Reopening. Here’s What That Looks Like.
–– Stare at that door for the next half hour.

How Do Hot Pockets Generate So Much Heat?
–– We’d answer, but mouth's blistered.

6 Ways to Finally Stop Biting Your Nails, According to Medical Experts
–– 4. Frequently finger anus.

Study reveals impacts of climate change on migrating mule deer
–– Makes them mewl, dear.

’King of Staten Island' Pulled From Drive-In Theaters
–– Drive-in miss doozy.

Wish You Could See Candyman? Here’s What to Watch Instead
–– Literally anything.

Seth Meyers Celebrates 1,000th 'Late Night' Episode From His Attic
–– Loft riot.

Viggo Mortensen, Director Peter Farrelly Reteam on New Skydance Film
–– Already rated R for Racist.

Marisa Tomei Says She 'Really Regrets' Getting Stuck in Mom Roles: It's 'Not the Right Road'
–– ‘Maternal: it stinks.’

Pinker flamingos are more aggressive, intriguing study finds
–– Take more ribbing.

A Small Alligator Was Found Swimming in a Florida Family’s Backyard Pool
–– Dad took snaps.

Baltimore Animal Rescue discovers 130 cats in woman's home, many in 'poor condition'
–– Residents in Annapolis reported ‘funny smell.’

Hundreds of cats are crammed into cages 'ready to be served as food'
–– At Chick-fel-Ine.

‘Miss Hitler' pageant entrant and her partner jailed for belonging to neo-Nazi group
–– Police not fooled by fake mustache.

Prince Philip turns 99: The Queen's husband marks a historic birthday in no-fuss way
–– Decides to not even put on pants.

US officials dragged Queen into Iranian coup over muddled telegram
–- Coup E, too?

Prince Andrew, U.S. Prosecutors Spar Over Jeffrey Epstein Sex Trafficking Probe
–– Like pedo punching bag.

Is Your Personality Permanent? New Research Says 'No.'
–– We’d have called bull on that at age 8.

Lebanon protesters burn roads, clash with security in second night of unrest
–– No one can tell difference.

Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam no longer have guns in new 'Looney Tunes Cartoons'
–– And Bugs redubbed Mentally Ill Bunny.

How to Remove Insects From Your Ear, Because Apparently That's a Thing
–– Here’s stick of Acme dynamite.

With Annexation Pledge, Netanyahu Might Have Bitten Off More Than He Can Chew | Opinion
–– West Banquet?

Top Pentagon policy nominee has a history of Islamophobic and offensive comments
–– Trumpophilia got him job.

The International Space Station Just Became a Powerful Tool for Tracking Animal Migration
–– So they allow pets on board?

Why We Should Really Put a Particle Accelerator on the Moon
–– Particles pretty poky up there.

Another mysterious radio burst in space is repeating a pattern. This one occurs every 157 days
–– Trying to communicate, ‘Shut up down there!’

Spectacular drone footage captures thousands of turtles nesting
–– Hundreds flipping camera bird.

After Hundreds of Years, Unknown Woman in Tudor Portrait Identified as Mary Boleyn
–– Based on nasal swab.

Josh Trank on Making Peace with Negative 'Capone' Reviews
–– How’s he doing with own profound lack of talent?

After 34 Years, Sweden Says It Knows the Killer of Olof Palme
–– Police extend Olof branch.

US ‘Caesar Act' sanctions could devastate Syria’s flatlining economy
–– How about Trump’s ‘Caligula Act?’

Restaurant receives '1 in 30 million' orange lobster, will donate to aquarium
–– Rock lobster, dude!

New project is introducing the dwindling glow worm to the countryside
–– Even though known for his metrosexuality.

Nose-Horned Dragon Lizard Found Alive For The First Time In Over 100 Years
–– Does that mean it can blow Dixieland on schnoz?

Dogs can be 'early-warning systems' for toxic chemical exposure at home
–– Or maybe they really need to take walk.

What Eats the Crown-of-Thorns Starfish? The Evidence Is in the Poop
–– Looks like a freakin’ brown coronavirus.

Neutrinos That Sparked Parallel Universe Claims May Have Simple Explanation
–– In English, Neutrinos, in English!

This Plan For a Martian City Under a Dome is Breathtaking
–– Because humans can’t breathe there.

Israeli bus driver given 'disciplinary hearing' for talking about Jesus
–– Supervisor shall rend garments, scourge him.

'My husband’s password is his ex-girlfriend's name. I am devastated. What made him change it?'
–– Weirdly, her name is Password.

Claude Heater, Opera Singer Who Played Jesus in 'Ben-Hur,' Dies at 92
–– Heater cold.

The Reason Jonah Hill Took a Major Pay Cut on 'Wolf of Wall Street'
–– Everyone saw performance.

Paulina Porizkova, 55, talks baring her 'soul' and 'occasionally, the rest' of herself in topless photo post
–– Czech it out.

Summer is here, and your mask is sweaty. Here's what to do about it
–– Roll-on antiperspirant for nose, lips.

Coronavirus vaccine candidates to begin final round of testing this summer
–– Vying for primary infection.

How a vaccine made of mosquito spit could help stop the next epidemic
–– Scientists crafting itsy-bitsy spittoons.

Is it safe to stay in a hotel, cabin or rental home yet?
–– Spreading roomers?

Virtue, Big Jones Among Restaurants Reopening for Outdoor Dining
–– Impatience is Virtue?

White House sees red state/blue state divide in post-coronavirus economic recovery
–– Which they view as red-blooded/blue-blooded.

Who bought all the toilet paper? Study suggests who was most likely to stockpile during COVID-19
–– Shitheads, obviously.

Counting the Days Under Virus Lockdown by the Length of Trudeau’s Hair
–– This news Justin.

Covid-19 Patient Gets Double Lung Transplant, Offering Hope for Others
–– Hope?

Trump Jr.'s Mongolian sheep hunting trip cost taxpayers about $75,000, documents show
–– Plus he screwed bat who flew to Wuhan where it bit pangolin that looked like him and sparked coronavirus outbreak.

WHO clarifies comments on asymptomatic spread of coronavirus: 'There's much unknown'
–– Will change name to WHA?

Medical supply company threw out products after Trump toured its facility
–– Even Trump Hotels burns sheets after he’s slept on them.

Could COVID-19 be prevented before it starts? Some researchers are looking for a way.
–– Time machine experiments accelerate.

Brazil expunges virus death toll as data befuddles experts
–– Befuddlement side effect of virus.

Dr. Anthony Fauci says large protests taking place across the country are 'a perfect set-up' for spreading COVID-19
–– ‘Yeah, it’s a frame, see. The C-men are laying low, ready to spring a trap and catch us in the crossfire. Mother of Mercy, is this the end of Fauci?’

A majority of voters are uncomfortable attending large gatherings, dining out
–– Doesn't misery love company?

Nursing home resident: 'I feel as though I am in #DeathCamp2020'
–– The Pines at Treblinka.