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The Mask of Zero
Week of 05/08/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump as The Phantom of the Opera at a White House podium wearing a N95 half maskWhat It Means When Trump Doesn't Wear A Mask
–– We're staring at monstrous hunk of Velveeta.

US economy loses a record 20.5 million jobs April
–– We are #2!

The psychology behind why some people won't wear masks
–– Doesn’t psychology presuppose mind?

A man wore what appeared to be a KKK white hood on a trip to the grocery store
–– Or did enormous dunce cap slip down over face?

Miami Beach closes park just five days after reopening as nearly 8,000 break face mask and distance rules
–– While cheating at beach blanket bingo.

Video shows a man screaming 'fake pandemic' at a officer over wearing a mask in a grocery store
–– These morons need muzzles.

The US has imported millions of low-quality masks that don't block virus particles enough, putting lives at risk
–– Piss-porous.

President’s Campaign Reportedly Ordering 'Trump Branded' Face Masks For Supporters
–- With mouth hole for Kool-Aid intake.

After employees receive threats, one city is forced to nix rule requiring face masks in businesses
–– Or add kevlar vests.

Trump’s Live Reaction to Record Unemployment: Don’t Blame Me
–– Dead reaction: 'Obama did it!'

As Americans reel from grief and economic pain, empathy is missing in Trump's response
–– Nominee for ‘Understatement of Decade.’

Trump boosters: Don’t believe the coronavirus death toll
–– For whom the bull tolls.

Trump says coronavirus pandemic 'worse than Pearl Harbor...World Trade Center'
–– 'Which is why we've treated it like opponent's attack ad.'

Trump says he was near Navy valet who tested positive for coronavirus
–– ‘As close as I get to scum who serve me.’

Colbert Says Trump Thinks Life is 'Worth One Trip to Buffalo Wild Wings'
–– Valet's a McDonald's drive-thru for Filet-o-Fish.

Katie Miller, Pence spokeswoman, tests positive for coronavirus
–– If only she could bear to touch husband Stephen.

The same number of people could die from ‘deaths of despair’ as have already died in the U.S. from coronavirus, new study finds
–– Depending on November 3 results.

Trump’s Pandemic Priority: Painting the Border Wall Black
–– In honor of those his underfunded late response killed.

Pelosi Calls for 'Federal Standard' As States Loosen COVID-19 Restrictions
–– Really want Trump setting standard?

Member of GOP Senate leadership backs rapid testing for lawmakers in order to protect the public
–– CDC suggests flash cards.

‘Can I carry the empty one just for the camera?’: Mike Pence mocked for joke about delivering empty box of protective equipment to nursing home
–– Had his soul in it.

GOP Goes All in For Trump's Coronavirus Response Amid Political Benefit
–– Climb aboard funeral train.

America’s meat shortage is more serious than your missing hamburgers
–– Guts, brains in danger.

Axl Rose And Steve Mnuchin Are In The Middle Of 2020′s Strangest Feud
–– Gums ’n’ Rose’s.

Souplantation's buffet-style restaurants closing for good because of the coronavirus
–– Nothing to sneeze at.

Gap will reopen 800 stores, but its 'biggest challenge' is a lack of uniform rules
–– N95 burqas might work.

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany Is Asked Why She Downplayed Coronavirus Threat — And She Tries To Turn The Tables On The Media
–– Like spinning Lazy Susan.

‘Maybe our best work’: Trump praises his coronavirus response
–– Close tie with trashing Constitution.

“I Feel Like This Is End Times”: Will the Coronavirus Crisis Finally Crush New York’s Tabloids?
–– Headless Copy in Topless Post.

People who traveled from New York across the US in early March caused nearly 65% of coronavirus cases in the rest of the country, research suggests
–– Microbe sang: ‘Start spreading the news, I’m longing to stray…’

New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo receives backlash for tapping tech billionaires Bill Gates and former Google CEO Eric Schmidt to help rebuild the state
–– Jersey Gov. Murphy: 'I'd tap that.'

Andrew Cuomo Goes Full ‘Taxi Driver’ At Robert De Niro Playing Him In Coronavirus Movie
–– As political hack?

Even with people staying in, carbon dioxide is breaking records
–– Having gas.

French doctors say they found a Covid-19 patient from December
–– Très avant-garde.

Ministers 'fully aware' China was covering up extent of coronavirus outbreak in early weeks of crisis
–– Looked other way while they still had necks.

EU agreed to Chinese censorship over coronavirus origins
–– Their initial response was obscene.

Pompeo says 'enormous evidence' virus came from Wuhan lab
–– 'Big fat hypothetical.'

‘We’re all trying to figure out the right answer’: Pompeo defends mixed messages on Wuhan lab
–– 'When asked a truthful question knowing we have to lie.'

Intel shared among US allies indicates virus outbreak more likely came from market, not a Chinese lab
–– Pompeo: 'We're all trying to figure out if it might have been another breed like a Shit So.'

The people waiting out Covid-19 in dark, frozen Antarctica
–– Tell them it'll be around for decades.

It’s official: Stimulus payments to the dead should be returned
–– How about to brain dead base?

The ‘Boogaloo Bois’ Are Bringing Their AR-15s and Civil War Ideology to the Lockdown Protests
–– Electrocute ‘Boogaloo.'

“Old People Are All Hidden Away, Fearing For Their Lives”: Trump’s Coronavirus Mismanagement Is Alienating Seniors in a Crucial State
–– Floridian seniors have taken to treetops, swamps.

Kevin Spacey Compares Coronavirus Impact To His Own Unemployment
–– Is he jerking us around? No, really.

Life will never be the same after the pandemic passes, says public health journalist
–– We won’t have to read impossible-to-verify pointless speculation?

The Coronavirus Could Set Conservation Efforts Back By Years
–– More than Trump’s EPA?

Trump claims intelligence officials did not raise coronavirus until late January
–– “So I totally ignored for only 6 weeks.”

Three Russian doctors fall from hospital windows, raising questions amid coronavirus pandemic
–– About metal bars?

Researchers’ Urgent Message for Schools: Start Planning Now for a Precipitous ‘COVID Slide’ Next Year
–– Gonna be funkier than Electric Slide.

Trump attacks Bush after 43rd president offers message of unity
–– Inept rebuffed by Unforgivable.

A man has been tattooing himself every day since going into isolation because of the coronavirus
–– I tawt I taw a pussy's tat.

Kesha gets her boyfriend to apply a butt mask for her every night which she says 'brings her happiness' in lockdown
–– Cracks smile.

May the Fourth be with you, always, even during the pandemic
–– Against Darth Virus.

Kuwait imposes 20-day 'total curfew' from May 10 to curb coronavirus
–– Kuwait it out.

Kim Jong Un congratulates Xi Jinping for China's coronavirus 'success'
–– He can appreciate lots of death, suffering, lies.

Putin Approval Rating Drops to Historic Low Amid Coronavirus Crisis
–– Pollsters dropped from Kremlin to historic low.

Trump cryptically tells reporters 'a lot of things' might happen soon following call with Putin
–– Might start building that dream dacha-for-two they’ve been planning.

West End Musicals May Not Reopen ‘Until Early Next Year,’ Warns Producer Cameron Mackintosh
–– Hoofin' mouth disease.

60 Minutes' Lesley Stahl Recovered from COVID-19 After Being Hospitalized: 'I Am Well Now'
–– What, no self-pitying video journal? The hack!

Man Arrested Trying to Quarantine on Private Disney Island
–– To walk plank on Jolly Roger.

Trump’s wealthy friends look to cash in during coronavirus crisis
–– Anything to impress him.

White House Coronavirus Official: Michigan Lockdown Protest 'Devastatingly Worrisome'
–– Clear Open-and-Shit case.

A 104-year-old Brooklyn woman who lived through the Spanish flu and once had stage 4 melanoma just recovered from the coronavirus
–– Giving exactly who hope?

Larry Kudlow ‘unravels’ after CNN airs video of him saying in February that the coronavirus was ‘contained’
–– Chews Kudlow.

Capitol Lacks Tests for Returning Senators While White House Tests Many in Trump's Circle
–– Drain the swab.

‘An Anvil Sitting on My Chest’: What It’s Like to Have Covid-19
–– By Wile E.Coyote.

How morgue worker honors the dead in her care
–– Leaves chocolate on slab.

Alex Jones Says He's Considering Eating Neighbors If COVID-19 Lockdown Continues
–– Above belt.

VE Day: Boris Johnson says spirit of ‘greatest generation of Britons who ever lived’ must be deployed against coronavirus
–– 'Or maybe Donald's right about injecting disinfectant.'

Boris Johnson names son after doctors who saved his life
–– Nicknames pandemic response team 'Babykins.'

Queen Elizabeth says wartime generation would 'admire' Britain's response to coronavirus, in televised address to mark VE Day
–– Because they're mostly doddering now.

Silver Linings Plaguebook

Dow soars 300 points after the worst jobs report ever
–– Wall Street scores best smack ever.

Oprah, Spielberg and Malala surprise 2020 grads
–– Walk all the way to other room to offer online platitudes.

Clarence Thomas breaks silence on bench during Supreme Court's first remote oral argument
–– ‘Can you see me? Is this camera working? I can’t hear you. Wait, which button?'

Global Backlash Builds Against China Over Coronavirus
–– Spreading like common cold.

Justice Department drops criminal case against Michael Flynn
–– Error Flynn.

Barr urges Trump administration to back off call to fully strike down Obamacare
–– Trump only hears muffled grunts from own rectum.

Trump Scandal Fight Revived With Flynn Reversal, Russia Papers
–– Among Greatest Shits.

It’s Never Great to Hear That the President Has 'Learned a Lot From Richard Nixon'
–– Make America Watergate Again.

Biden wins Kansas primary conducted with all-mail balloting
–– All-mail review.

Tara Reade calls on Biden to 'be held accountable' and exit the race
–– As a great man like Putin would?

Biden Accuser’s Lawyer Is Trump Donor With History of Representing Sexual Harassment Accusers
–– J'erkuse!

DNC Chair Brushes Off Calls To Investigate Tara Reade Claim: 'I Trust Joe Biden'
–– 'Like I trust last lifeboat on Titianic.'

Biden says vice presidential committee 'looking at more than a dozen women’
–– But ‘not like that.’

'We're going to fill it': Republicans ready for any Supreme Court vacancy
–– Then place Garland on grave of Decency.

Supreme Court throws out convictions of New Jersey officials in Bridgegate scandal
–– Jams law.

Sinclair Broadcasting will pay $48 million civil penalty to FCC
–– Sinclair loose.

Why is Georgia only now seeking justice for Ahmaud Arbery? We know the terrible answers.
–– Hint in third word.

The McMichaels can't be charged with a hate crime by the state in the shooting death of Ahmaud Arbery because the law doesn't exist in Georgia
–– Jim Crow forgot that one.

Elon Musk explained *exactly* how to pronounce his baby son’s offbeat name
–– ‘First smoke 3 massive doobies…’

Understanding the rare condition that makes people want to amputate their own limbs
–– How disarming.

Televangelist Jim Bakker is recovering from a stroke, his wife says
–– By Jessica Hahn.

Police identify woman accused of firing shots at McDonald’s after she was told dining room was closed
–– And she'd put on evening gown, packed fancy firearm.

Rouhani Puts State Bodies on Alert after Tremor in Tehran
–– Shakes them up.

Rats are infecting humans with hepatitis, and nobody knows how
–– Little rat fuckers.

The truth about the rarest snake in the world
–– Considers self ‘just a regular reptile.’

This extinct marine predator started out as a small tadpole-seal hybrid with weird teeth
–– Grew up to be Jacques Cousteau.

Salad spinners that keep your greens crisp and clean
–– But really spatter kitchen walls.

Archaeologists Discover Teenage Mummy Buried With Trove of Ornate Jewelry
–– Costume, but still…

Here’s Exactly What a Tick Egg Nest Looks Like, According to Bug Experts
–– If you'd like to make tick omelette.

Is That Stinging Insect a Bee, Wasp, or Hornet? Here’s Exactly How to Tell
–– Oww, dammit…who cares?

British Moths declining, aphid numbers stable
–– A for aphid.

Mosquito population hits 30-year high sparking fears of tropical virus
–– Those tiny pricks.

Warty comb jelly, scourge of fisheries, also eats its young
–– Produced in Don Jr.'s hair.

The Amazon’s 'Ghost Dogs' Face 30 Percent Habitat Loss
–– We can't see howl.

The US is becoming the king of debt. It's a necessary risk
–– When Trump is your president.

Minn. Woman Reported Missing After Going for Walk Found Dead in Home — and Husband Is Arrested
–– Was more crawl-while-trying-to-escape-husband.

Influencer, 35, who is marrying stepson, 20, shows his transformation
–– Watch growing look of horror on our face.

Kim Jong-un: Trump 'glad' about reappearance of North Korean leader
–– Loves what he's done to his hair.

Scientists obtain 'lucky' image of Jupiter
–– He's smiling.

Astronomers Solve "X-Galaxy" Mystery With Powerful New Telescope
–– Aimed in bedroom window.

Mysterious Planet 9 could be found using futuristic spacecraft, theoretical physicist suggests
–– Borrowed from Plan 9.

Is There a Black Hole Hiding in Our Solar System? This Is How We'll Find Out
–– Shine black light?

We Now Have More Evidence a Rushing River Existed on Mars Billions of Years Ago
–– Rapid developments.

How tiny ‘dead’ galaxies get their groove back and make stars again
–– In Christian Broadcasting.

A landslide in New York state leaves homes dangling inches away from a giant crater
–– Sinkhole de Mayo.

Brian May hospitalized after injuring buttocks in 'over-enthusiastic' gardening incident
–– Gee, what'd he plant there?

Meghan reads from 'Duck! Rabbit!' to celebrate son Archie's first birthday
–– Says title, Harry jumps under bed.

Prince Andrew and ex-wife Sarah Ferguson still owe $8M on Switzerland ski chalet, facing legal action
–– Andrew offers Princess Beatrice as collateral.

I Didn't Think 'Dead to Me' Needed a Second Season. I Was Wrong.
–– It was first season that was unnecessary.

A 5-year-old boy was pulled over in Utah on his way to California to try to buy a Lamborghini
–– Planned to knock over gum machines for $200,000 price.

Dum Dums lollipops to end prizes program after almost 70 years
–– Why kid was on way to California to try to buy Lamborghini.

Love Bug's creator tracked down to repair shop in Manila
–– Herbie’s Dad?

Florence Pugh is dating Zach Braff and doesn't want your opinion
–– Phugh!

Adele lost weight, are we allowed to praise that?
–– Naw, tell her she still looks kinda wide through flank.

Hailstone the size of a football in Argentina may have smashed a world record
–– Or fútbol?

Chris Hemsworth Thanks Fans As ‘Extraction’ Looks To Become Netflix’s Biggest-Ever Film Premiere
–– As much fun as trip to dentist.

‘Sopranos’ star Joe Pantoliano suffers 'severe head injury' after being hit by car
–– Joey pants.

January Jones sends a cheeky message as she flashes her cleavage in TINY blue bikini: 'Don't forget your flotation devices'
–– And no playing with your noodle.

Long-time Miami Dolphins coach and two-time Super Bowl winner Don Shula dies at 90
–– Down Shula.

‘Child’s Play’ Co-Screenwriter John Lafia Dies at 63
–– Chuckie away.