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Microbe Aggression
Week of 04/17/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump battles coronavirus with a wet noodle in a parody entitled the Incredible Shrinking PrezTrump's 3 Phase Plan to Reopen America's Economy Explained
–– 1. You. 2. Do. 3. It.

Possible Dinosaur DNA Has Been Found
–– On WH COVID test swabs.

Schiff Says Trump's Power Isn't Absolute 'But His Incompetence Is'
–– 99 and 44/100 poor.

Trump now says he'll be 'authorizing' governors to reopen their states at the 'most appropriate' time
–– Govs send e-thank you cards with animated poop emojis.

GOP Senator: ‘We Gotta Reopen’ Country and Virus ‘Is Gonna Spread Faster’ When We Do
–– It's second half that gets LA's Kennedy really hard.

The US is halting funding to the WHO. What does this actually mean?
–– The United States gave money to World Health Organization, now won't?

Trump halt to WHO funding violates same law as Ukraine aid freeze, House Democrats say
–– And we all know how that stopped him.

WHO urges restrictions on alcohol sales amid pandemic, warns drinking can make coronavirus worse
–– Defund 'em!

Trump denied he wanted his name on stimulus checks. Here’s how it happened.
–– He demanded he have his name on them.

People are slamming Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin for appearing to suggest the $1,200 coronavirus stimulus payments could last people 10 weeks
–– Thinking of how much he pays own help.

Coronavirus: Dead people are receiving $1,200 stimulus checks and their families don’t know what to do
–– If relatives revive they're really working.

Trump didn't bail out trucking, but he did give 4 truck drivers a mysterious gold key at White House ceremony. Nobody knows why.
–– It’s for mystery truck stop john really well-stocked with toilet paper.

Mitt Romney is sole GOP senator not on White House coronavirus task force
–– Invertebrates only.

Economist who called Trump a ‘total narcissist’ is appointed to coronavirus council
–– Obviously an expert on sickness.

Michael Cohen will be released from prison due to pandemic
–– Authorities feared it might transfer to rat population.

Fyre Festival founder Billy McFarland requests early release from prison due to coronavirus
–– Remanded to mud puddle with no toilet.

Banksy Jokes His Wife Is Sick Of Him Working At Home
–– He’s married to Sue Storm.

Anti-anxiety medication prescriptions up 34% since coronavirus
–– Not counting booze.

Coronavirus: Whistleblower Edward Snowden warns governments are building tools of ‘oppression’
–– Tell Eddie to disinfect that whistle.

Trump Put 200 People On Recovery Panel—Just 20 Are Women And Seven Are Black
–– If he’d read past first page he would have caught, cut.

Geraldo Rivera: ‘Very Dishonest’ for CNN and MSNBC to Cut Away From Trump Briefings
–– Execs afraid audiences would come down with BLOVID-20.

Protective equipment costs increase over 1,000% amid competition and surge in demand
–– Well, supplies, supplies, supplies!

Japan leader Shinzo Abe's video at home with pet dog prompts social media backlash
–– Giving him naked shiatsu treatment.

UK pays £16 million for coronavirus tests that don’t work
–– DREXIT brand.

Researchers find rheumatoid arthritis drug is promising coronavirus treatment
–– Promising it what?

AI Uncovers a Potential Treatment for Covid-19 Patients
–– Does AI generate endless ‘potential treatment’ headlines?

Rosario Dawson says it's been 'really challenging' to quarantine without boyfriend Sen. Cory Booker
–– Especially when so many men have new beards.

Pierce Brosnan Will Shave Another Day In Coronavirus Isolation Selfie
–– The curled is not enough.

Seth Rogen Says He's Smoking "Truly Ungodly" Amounts of Pot in Blissful Quarantine
–– God appears to him regularly, disapproves quantity.

Smoking More Weed Right Now? You Should Probably Read This
–– Yeah, you, Rogen –– wake up!

Scientists Determine How an Outer Space Object Got Shaped Like a Blunt
–– After truly 'ungodly amounts' of pot.

Nicole Byer Won’t Mind If Coronavirus Means She Never Hugs Strangers Again
–– No one she’s hugged disagrees.

Tom Hardy Is Here to Put Your Kid to Bed — Actor to Read Bedtime Stories for BBC Children's Channel
–– Through Bane mask.

The Rich Really Are Different. They Can Shelter In Nicer Places
–– Investigative reporting at its best.

Chris Cuomo: CNN show is not "worth my time" anymore
–– Amen, brother.

Rolling coronavirus patients on stomach may help chances of recovery, expert says
–– Burping can't hurt either.

Coronavirus: 106-year-old woman released from UK hospital after recovering from Covid-19
–– Why?

I Used to Run 20 Miles at a Time. Now I’m Tracing a GPS Snail.
–– Oh, brava you!

Why dairy farmers across America are dumping their milk
–– Hey, it’s nothing to cry over.

Bishop who said "God is larger than" Covid-19 has died from the disease
–– Big Guy wanted to thank him personally.

Bill Barr Threatens Local Officials Who Stop Christians From Spreading The Gospel Of Coronavirus
–– Mandates clergymen perform last rites for congregants they get infected.

In Pandemic’s Grip, Russia Sees Spike in Age-Old Bane: Drinking
–– Vodka a tonic.

Trump adviser Peter Navarro made a bad bet 60 Minutes didn't cover pandemic preparedness under Obama
–– Crap doubt.

Trump berates CBS reporter for noting Trump's own coronavirus video suggests he did nothing in February
–– Explains he was in hibernation.

The Global Economy Is Headed for the Worst Recession Since the Great Depression, IMF Says
–– Will flatten the curve.

The EU is facing a 'moment of truth' as it tackles mammoth economic crisis, Macron warns
–– Failing Macroneconomics.

Rio’s Christ the Redeemer statue lit up as a doctor, in tribute to healthcare workers fighting coronavirus
–– Late at night as shemale hooker to promote endangered hookers.

Iran Minister Praises Country's Nursers, Shares Photo of Brazilian Worker
–– From when he got bikini line done.

Iran parades medical gear, not missiles on Army Day as coronavirus deaths hit 4,958
–– Hypodermic needle 50-feet long.

Yemen's war-scarred hospitals gear up to combat coronavirus threat
–– Ohbombercare.

CNN's Jim Acosta compares Trump to Baghdad Bob, says he plays 'fast and loose' with facts
–– Wimpin' on Mass Destruction.

‘Got more beer!': 93-year-old Pennsylvania woman receives coronavirus quarantine gift from Molson Coors
–– Holds up dry erase board with new message: 'I said beer!'

My boyfriend was diagnosed with bipolar disorder just after we started quarantining together — here's what I've learned so far
–– Doctors were right.

Our Cruel Treatment of Animals Led to the Coronavirus
–– Shove a carrot in it.

Coronavirus: Brian May believes veganism is the future after world is 'brought to its knees'
–– Two in his.

FDA commissioner on coronavirus testing: 'We need to do more, no question about that'
–– Annnd…?

Graham contradicts Trump: U.S. 'still struggling with testing on a large scale'
–– Can you even begin to imagine how bad it must be?

Emirates airline tests passengers for coronavirus before flight leaves Dubai
–– Can 325 mil untested Americans get tickets?

FBI warns companies of employees faking positive coronavirus test results
–– Because tests so easy to get.

Coronavirus upended Notre Dame’s future. WWII may have some answers
–– But we cannot get global conflict on horn.

Andrea Bocelli Will Perform Live From Milan’s Empty Duomo Cathedral onEaster
–– They’ll tell him it’s full with very quiet audience.

Fauci admits earlier Covid-19 mitigation efforts would have saved more American lives
––And if Trump wasn’t evil brain-damaged fuckwad.

Anthony Fauci: White House Coronavirus Briefings Are 'Really Draining'
–– Pipes can’t take all that shit.

Chinese government reveals draft list of animals which can be farmed for meat
–– Include wild dissident.

Beijing tightens grip over coronavirus research, amid US-China row on virus origin
–– In latest slang for 'chokes critics.'

China says there has never been a cover-up on coronavirus outbreak
–– Insists they just couldn’t be heard through protective masks.

Nearly 30% of Americans believe coronavirus was made in a lab, Pew poll shows
–– Funny, not funny considering it's China.

Bill Maher defends calling coronavirus ‘Chinese virus’
–– 'Chinese' checkered.

China secretly prepared for a pandemic as tens of thousands of people dined together in Wuhan, AP reports
–– Wet market potluck.

Mark Esper accuses China of 'misleading' world about origin of coronavirus
–– Esper rant, oh!

Panda twins born during coronavirus crisis named 'safe' and 'sound' 
–– How Wuhan health officials first reported outbreak to Xi.

Bill Gates: Few countries will get 'A-grade' for coronavirus response
–– Who elected him, again?

Stay-at-home orders sparks scattered protests in US
–– Base bawls.

6 people shot at a California party held despite state's stay-at-home order
–– Were 6 feet apart.

Walmart CEO says we're in the 'hair color' phase of panic buying
–– Folks dying with it.

Surgeon General Defends “Abuela” And “Big Mama” Coronavirus Comments After Angering People Of Color
–– Madea fit to tan hide.

Selena Gomez Reveals Bipolar Diagnosis
–– PR team: ‘Sweetheart, now’s the time for coronavirus diagnosis. Don’t try to reinvent wheel.

Silver Linings Plaguebook

Coronavirus: 'We need Easter as much as ever,' says the Queen
–– Insists Charles wear bunny suit, force painted eggs out trapdoor of costume.

Sam Smith renames their new album, saying 'To Die For' felt uncomfortable during a pandemic
–– Yes, sounds bad…not title.

Mick Jagger Reportedly Said Jerry Hall Was “Impossible to Live with” When She Wasn’t Smoking
–– Can't fight shitty Hall.

Selena Gomez sues fashion game for 'using face'
–– As smug emoji.

‘Saved by the Bell' cast members return in reboot trailer
–– Rebong?

Southwest Drought Rivals Those of Centuries Ago, Thanks to Climate Change
–– According to paintings on skins by medicine man Thirsty Bear.

The E.P.A. Is Weakening Controls on Mercury
–– Because Trump administration supports slow death, too.

Proud Boys' Former Lawyer Used The Gang In An Assassination Plot, Texas Police Say
–– Hope he’s proud of self.

Do We Really Need a Reality Show Like Too Hot to Handle Right Now?
–– Isn’t question, ‘Ever?’

Astronomers saw a star dancing around a black hole. And it proves Einstein's theory was right
–– Stars' got rhythm!

Defense Secretary says he has an 'open mind' on the possibility of reinstating fired aircraft carrier commander
–– So open it’s empty.

The Queen's Baths Are Always Exactly Seven Inches Deep—And Yes, Someone Measures to Make Sure
–– Philip drops ‘royal anchor.’

Border Collies Top the List of the Smartest Dog Breeds
–– Collie gee.

It looks like Putin conned the FBI into the ‘Russiagate’ probe
–– Sure, NY Post, and Mueller’s 199 criminal charges, 37 indictments or guilty pleas, and 5 prison sentences all bad dream.

Turkey's newest hotel 'floats' above ancient archaeological ruins
–– Suspension of disbelief.

Traces of Millennia-Old Milk Help Date Pottery Fragments to Neolithic London
–– Believed to be petrified blancmange.

Mystery of Stone Balls at ‘Magic’ Qesm Cave Finally Solved
–– Had to have stone balls to claim it was magic.

Judge Denies Roger Stone’s Bid for a New Trial
–– Talk about Stone balls.

Justin Amash discussing 'potential campaign' for president and will make decision 'soon'
–– From padded cell.

Smell Receptors Activate Ant Aggression
–– How big could ant schnozz be?

The mystery of the 'blue monkeys' in ancient Grecian frescoes, solved
–– Were just sad.

Bornean treeshrews can take the heat
–– And never let male mates forget it.

Ten years later, BP oil spill continues to harm wildlife—especially dolphins
–– Gulf scream.

Rhinos pay a painful price for oxpecker protection
–– Mesh underwear.

Signs of Modern Human Cognition Were Found in an Indonesian Cave
–– Missing virtually everywhere else in modern world.

Climate Change Reveals Viking Age Artifacts Called an "Archaeologist's Dream"
–– When he wakes up with 'ram's horn' in hand.

Scientists spotted what might be the biggest hole ever recorded in the Arctic's ozone layer
–– As huge polar bear bends over.

Here’s why you probably shouldn't share your old senior photos on Facebook
–– We’re eating.

The origin of feces: coproID reliably predicts sources of ancient poop
–– Check his shit out.

Alicia Silverstone Looks Back at Clueless, 25 Years Later: 'I Don't Remember Myself'
–– And we’re still trying to forget.

Amy Schumer changed her son's name because it sounded like 'genital'
–– To Dick.

Disney Plus Censors Daryl Hannah’s Butt in ‘Splash’ Using Questionable CGI
–– Ass can.

Brad Pitt chokes back tears in HGTV show debut
–– It is comedown after Academy Award, but buck up.

Nicaragua’s president Daniel Ortega hasn't been seen in a month
–– In 'Buenas Noticias.'

AMC Theatres Downgraded Over "Minimal Liquidity Options" as Stock Tumbles
–– Soda machines not working.

‘Mrs. America' Costume Designer Breaks Down Phyllis Schlafly's and Gloria Steinem's 1970s Outfits
–– You'll break down when you see them.

A 64-year-old man accidentally ejected himself from a fighter jet at 2,500 feet
–– Too many bails in the air.

Cheryl Tiegs ‘not shocked’ by photographer ex Peter Beard going missing
–– In latest slang for 'delighted.'

Fully naked woman tries to book flight at New Orleans airport
–– In First Crass.

50 Years Ago, 3 Astronauts Survived Apollo 13. Could It Happen Again?
–– If you believe in time travel.

Pedro Almodóvar Recalls a Scandalous Dinner with Madonna in His Latest Quarantine Essay
–– Does scandalous mean ‘wanted to make me barf?’

Assange 'secretly fathered two children' in Ecuadorean embassy
–– Lots of activity south of ecuador.

Sheikh Mujibur Rahman: Army officer hanged for murder of Bangladesh's founding president
–– Paks it in.

Kevin Smith Says Harvey Weinstein Refused to Pay Him Royalties for ‘Clerks’
–– Y’know, we’re starting to not like this guy.

Joe Biden says he 'probably' can't reach Trump's base in 2020 election
–– Does he have rotary phone?

Biden: People are dying while Trump is 'having temper tantrums'
–– Leave it to fever.

Elizabeth Warren Endorses Joe Biden: ‘When You Disagree, He’ll Listen’
–– ‘Then forget.’

Elizabeth Warren Says She Would Accept Role as Biden's Vice President
–– And wear nurse's aid uniform, play word games each afternoon after lunch.

Sanders says Biden's sexual assault accuser 'has the right to make her claims and get a public hearing'
–– And ‘where was she when I needed her?’

How to Watch Joe Biden on 'Desus & Mero'
–– Through fingers held over eyes.

Joe Biden wins Alaska Democratic primary
–– Backed Alaska.

Old Folks Like Biden, and That Could Really Matter in November
–– If coronavirus leaves enough to vote.

Biden putting together post-election transition team, talks Cabinet makeup
–– Mulls classic lipstick on pig.

Hares and Chickens Were Revered as Gods—Not Food—in Ancient Britain
–– But they still wolfed down Peeps, chocolate bunnies.

Brian Dennehy, veteran actor of stage and screen, dead at 81
–– Brian dead.

Sir Stirling Moss: Motor racing legend dies aged 90 after long illness
–– Gathers moss.