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Loot Gestures
Week of 05/29/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Trump poinitng at a black version of the Twitter logo and saying, 'When the muting starts, the shooting starts…'Trump tweets threat that 'looting' will lead to 'shooting.' Twitter put a warning label on it
–– What –– his fat, orange forehead?

The Coronavirus Is Deadliest Where Democrats Live
–– States really blue.

Trump says violent Minneapolis protests dishonor George Floyd’s memory, Twitter labels ‘shooting’ tweet as ‘glorifying violence’
–– Trump: ‘But ain’t it glorious?’

‘When the looting starts, the shooting starts’: Behind the infamous phrase used by Trump
–– Just quoting his racist heroes.

Cardi B speaks out on Minnesota looting amid George Floyd's death: 'It is what it is'
–– Wrong.

’Why is the man who killed George Floyd not in jail?’: Minneapolis mayor calls for charges against arresting officer
–– Cop, a plea.

While Twitter Confronts Trump, Zuckerberg Keeps Facebook Out of It
–– Zuck's up to him.

Minnesota governor says Minneapolis riots expected to continue throughout weekend
–– In extended Trump reelection event.

Minnesota Gov. Tim Walz Apologizes to CNN for Journalist's Arrest: "I Take Full Responsibility"
–– Balls to the Walz.

Atlanta Protestors Graffiti, Smash Windows at CNN Headquarters
–– What, coverage of Floyd insufficiently hagiographic?

US, Brazil, Russia are COVID-19 hot spots due to anti-science leaders
–– And fiendly rivalry?

Trump expresses 'heartfelt sympathy' as US passes 100,000 coronavirus deaths
–– He hasn’t felt heart since polio epidemic.

As US deaths top 100,000, Trump's coronavirus task force is curtailed
–– Well, Mission Accomplished, duh!

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo Meets With Donald Trump, Rips Mitch McConnell And Congress On ‘Blue State Bailout’ Claims
–– Republicans con Dem Nation.

Pelosi on McConnell's Call to Delay Stimulus: 'Tell That to the Virus'
–– Trump’s already heard.

Here's why Fox Business' Stuart Varney says no more stimulus checks
–– Because White House does.

Mental Health Toll of Coronavirus Could Rival that of the Disease Itself
–– When suicides hit 100k tell us about it.

The Battle Between The Masked And The Masked-Nots Unveils Political Rifts
–– Mask-not what your country will do for you.

Healthy people should wear masks only if caring for coronavirus patients, WHO says
–– WHO: are they kidding?

GOP's no-mask caucus: 'Can you smell through that mask?'
–– Sniff, sniff –– Yep, we smell stupid.

10 Weeks Into New York Area’s Lockdown, Who Is Still Getting Sick?
–– Lockdown-drag-out fight.

Boston Marathon canceled for first time in its 124-year history
–– Avoid agony of da feet.

The World Is Still Far From Herd Immunity for Coronavirus
–– Totally there for herd mentality.

Why Immunity to the Novel Coronavirus Is So Complicated
–– Cure and curiouser.

Coronavirus has killed more than 100,000 people across the US
–– Even gallows humor is like, 'Seriously?'

’100,000 people died, Joe, and all you did was try to help your friend the president': CNBC's Andrew Ross Sorkin unloaded on fellow anchor Joe Kernen over the severity of coronavirus
–– Burnin' Kernen.

Donald Trump Says He Is No Longer Taking Malaria Drug Hydroxychloroquine For Coronavirus
–– After not taking for unspecified period.

Virus Threatens Chinese Traditions of Chopsticks and Family-Style Meals
–– When thousands of years of food poisoning didn’t?

Capital One's The Match Sets the Tone for Sports Events During the Pandemic
–– Dull, pointless.

Some Americans take a holiday from social distancing and officials fear future spikes in coronavirus cases
–– Hoping to put death back in Memorial Day.

Trump threatens to move Republican convention if North Carolina won't allow packed arena
–– With VIP seating for coronavirus.

Don't abandon us, we don't transmit coronavirus, say Cairo dogs and cats
–– Then explain these auditory hallucinations.

Coronavirus is killing more men. But the lockdown is disastrous for women and their rights
–– Worse than intense physical suffering, death?

Can the world's oldest profession survive the age of social distancing?
–– Will they touch it with 10-ft. pole?

Van plays Boris Johnson's 'Stay Home' message outside Dominic Cummings' house after lockdown rule-breaking revelations
–– Criticizing Cummings and goings.

Oxford scientists working on a coronavirus vaccine say there is now only a 50% chance of success because the number of UK cases is falling too quickly
–– Give Johnson some time to fix that.

Trump Flips Out After Biden Ad Rips Him For Golfing Amid Growing Death Toll
–– Par for the coarse.

Trump Used To Tee Off On Obama For Golfing During Ebola Outbreak That Killed 2 In America
–– Whoa, whoa, you trying to say Trump’s inconsistent?!

Fact check: Trump has spent far more time at golf clubs than Obama had at same point
–– Yeah, but Obama didn’t own clubs so he could also bilk American tax payers, so there.

Trump just declared houses of worship essential. Mounting evidence shows they're super-spreader hotspots.
–– Sermon on the mounting.

What 'Jaws' can teach us about our coronavirus response
–– We'll need bigger mask?

With restaurants closed, rat sightings are increasing across the United States
–– Even in Paris at Gusteau’s.

WHO official: ‘I cannot imagine’ U.S. pulling out of the international body
–– ‘I hear Trump never pulls out. Especially from foreigners.’

Reporter Pushes Back After Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany Claims Journalists “Desperately” Want To See Churches Remain Closed
–– ‘Except for Satanist ones!’

Pence spokeswoman Katie Miller beats coronavirus, announces pregnancy
–– In Rosemary’s Baby sequel.

COVID-19 Shutdown Threatens the Future of Shakespeare's Globe
–– Bard to the bone.

Half of Fox News Viewers Believe Bill Gates Wants to Use Virus Vaccines to Track You, New Poll Says
–– And believe Gates invented windows so he can slide open, invade homes.

Ohio Gov. DeWine is latest Republican to say wearing a mask isn't about politics
–– Don’t have to DeWine about it.

Bolivian Orchestra Stranded in ‘Haunted’ German Castle Surrounded by Wolves During Pandemic
–– In crappiest Stephen King novella yet.

Mythic Quest Proves It’s Possible to Produce New TV in Quarantine
–– New, not good.

Kevin Hart Says His Family Is Finding Him "Annoying" During Isolation
–– Pity captive audience.

Coronavirus: Customers 'should not try clothes on' when shops reopen, says Gove
–– Unless customer's wearing scuba suit, swim mask.

Zuckerberg is now the 3rd-richest person in the world after his fortune grew $30 billion since the coronavirus crisis began
–– Yet another disastrous result of pandemic.

Twitter Apologizes for ‘Pain’ Caused by Trump’s Tweets Falsely Implying Joe Scarborough Committed Murder, but Takes No Action Against President
–– Where's apology for creating, sustaining monster?

'Enough already': Romney blasts Trump for pushing conspiracy theory about Joe Scarborough
–– Bitcher’s Mitt.

GOP Sen. Tim Scott says Biden's black voters comment is 'condescending and arrogant'
–– Uncle Tom’s cavil.

Charlamagne Tha God Reacts to Joe Biden’s ‘You Ain’t Black’ Apology
–– Shades him?

Tim Kaine says he and his wife tested positive for coronavirus antibodies
–– Maybe Biden should ask her to be running mate.

Bernie Sanders' Campaign Could Provide Lessons For Biden Latino Outreach
–– Always consult el perdedor.

Joe Biden's head-turning comments on Asians resurface amid former VP's attacks on Trump 'xenophobia'
–– Weren't round-eye-opening, Fox?

Should Joe Biden Pick Elizabeth Warren as His Running Mate?
–– Depends on how severe his hearing loss.

Nevada Sen. Catherine Cortez Masto withdraws from Biden VP consideration
–– Reducing her Vegas odd from 1,000 to 1 to 1,000 to 0.

Trump embraces a new kind of rally: The ‘Trumptilla’
–– Aboard SS Hole.

Trump sees a ‘rigged election’ ahead. Democrats see a constitutional crisis in the making.
–– Like rigging on SS Hole?

Man Claims Wedding Videographer Mocked Him After Refusing to Give Refund After Fiancée's Death
–– Wasn't dead serious?

There’s An Entire "Fake Town" In This Seemingly Normal Looking Mansion's Basement And I Can't Decide How I Feel About It
–– Bemused contempt, we hope.

When a woman said she saw a wolverine on a Washington state beach, a wildlife official didn't believe her
–– Did find adamantine claw wounds ‘suspicious.’

A Marine Biologist Talks About What Hollywood Gets Wrong About the Ocean
–– Why they're all wet?

Ex-Pirates infielder Kang banned 1 year by Korean league
–– Hung Kang.

Doug Liman to direct Tom Cruise in movie shot in space
–– Promises stellar cast.

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson discovers he has a daughter, 45, from an extramarital affair: 'Finally, after all those years, we come together'
–– Her chest-length beard giveaway.

Hungary Outlaws Changing Gender on Documents After Birth
–– Bad guys now bad girls?

Judge in rape case removed after asking accuser if she 'closed her legs'
–– Should have asked self if he ‘shut his yap.’

Trump says 'it is time' for US troops to exit Afghanistan, undermining agreement with Taliban
–– The Art of the Dolt.

'Exceedingly rare' cognac from 1762 fetches $146,000 at auction
–– How much to buy dickish friends who'd be impressed by that?

Booger McFarland has a good lesson for his 'Monday Night Football' replacement: Be ready for scrutiny
–– ‘And don’t get snotty.’

‘We are truly devastated': Woman's heartbreaking warning after household plant kills dog
–– Police: ‘Suspect escaped, but won't get far.’

Report: Kayleigh McEnany Voted By Mail 11 Times In Last 10 Years
–– Licked ballot, scrawled X where stamp goes.

Rush Limbaugh Says Lung Cancer Treatment Is 'Kicking My A--' and 'I Have Been Virtually Worthless'
–– Make that ‘utterly worthless.’

Archaeologists found the bones of about 60 mammoths at an airport construction site
–– In lost caveperson luggage.

Bad to the bone: Cannibal dinosaurs turned to eating each other in tough times
–– Insisted it tasted like 'Anzu wyliei.'

Mike Pompeo Is the Worst Secretary of State Ever
–– If not for Trump, Barr, would have shot at 'Worst Human Ever.'

Pompeo says Hong Kong is no longer autonomous from China, jeopardizing billions of dollars in trade
–– Finally got one thing right.

Pompeo’s Domestic Travel Didn’t Violate Federal Law, Investigation Finds
–– Report signed by John Baron, Private Eye.

Hong Kong Chief Appeals for Citizens’ Support as Trump Move Looms
–– 'Act nice or it's gonna be like, Beijing bada boom.'

Jonathan Steingard, Christian singer, reveals he no longer believes in God
–– God: ‘I never believed in him.’

Czech publisher produces 'Personalities of the Third Reich' 2021 calendar
–– Goering's 'Fraulein March' swimsuit deemed 'tasteless.'

Woody Allen condemns ‘self-serving’ actors for denouncing him: ‘Who in the world is not against child molestation?’
–– 'I mean we're in a small club, right?'

Woody Allen Says He Has 'Calmed Down' Since His Marriage to Soon-Yi: She 'Changed Me'
–– Now that women half his age are 42.

Hospital angrily denies snake discovered in operating theatre, insisting there was only a monkey
–– Snake was to clean out patient’s lower intestines.

Critics surprisingly call new Steve Carell Netflix show Space Force 'startlingly unfunny'
–– Not over the moon.

John Malkovich says a woman once broke into his home to give him a film script handwritten in blood
–– Was red letter day.

Ghostbusters' reboot director Paul Feig says female-led movie was hindered by 'anti-Hillary movement'
–– Had Rodham luck?

Suicide Squad director says the cut he wanted to release would be "easy to complete"
–– Awfulness “a snap.”

Lady Gaga Just Showed Off Her Toned Abs In An Underboob-Baring Bikini Selfie
–– Just hanging out.

The white woman who called 911 after a black bird-watcher asked her to leash her dog has 'voluntarily surrendered' her pet to an animal rescue
–– Is watching black birds a crime?

Chicago sees deadliest Memorial Day weekend in four years with 8 killed and 24 injured in shootings
–– Celebrating end of lockdown.

KFC is testing a new chicken sandwich
–– Keeps flunking orals.

Virgin Orbit Launch Attempt Ends Without Trip to Space
–– Only got to second base.

He Thought He Was Getting Football Physicals. He Was Being Abused
–– Doctor drilled tight end.

The Future of College Is Online, and It’s Cheaper
–– For all fired professors, staff.

‘This is your moment': Chief Justice John Roberts delivers remarks to son's graduating high school class
–– ‘We pre-abused it, but still…’

An effigy of Kentucky Gov. Beshear was hung from a tree at the end of a Second Amendment rally
–– Effin’ geez!

NASA and SpaceX rehearse for big launch day, complete with a Tesla ride to the pad
–– And two ‘out-of-this-world’ doobies from Musk.

SpaceX’s 1st astronaut launch breaks new ground for style
–– If you were in remake of The X from Outer Space.

Ari Fleischer calls return of manned spaceflights to US 'like chicken noodle soup for the soul'
–– More like dehydrated creamed corn.

130 people say they are Jeffrey Epstein's child to claim cut of his estate
–– Aren’t we all his children?

Jeffrey Epstein Employee: I Saw Prince Andrew ‘Grinding’ on Topless Girl on ‘Pedophile Island’
–– Was royal pain in her ass?

Princess Eugenie reveals her favourite animal as she guest stars in Sarah Ferguson's storytime series
–– ‘A pig, like Daddy.’

Queen Elizabeth Once Hid in a Bush to Escape a Controversial Buckingham Palace Guest
–– Her maid’s?

Prince William reveals how his poor eyesight helped with nerves when public speaking
–– He imagined crowd naked with blurred genitalia.

Donald Trump Flips Out At Fox News Again: Hope Roger Ailes 'Is Looking Down’
–– Deeper into pools of fire?

’Your personal feelings don't dictate who Alabama picks as their Senator': former Attorney General Jeff Sessions lashes out at Trump after he endorsed Sessions' political opponent
–– They do dictate fate of Republic.

Ann Coulter Turns on ‘Disloyal Actual Retard’ Trump in Twitter Rant
–– And you’re just pretending?

Ann Coulter Doubles Down on Trump Criticism: ‘Jackass President Being a Big Baby’
–– Horseface pundit talks poo-poo.

Investigators Say One Man Shot Ahmaud Arbery. Why Are Three Charged With Murder?
–– One to make abet?

Manhunt Underway for Armed-to-Teeth UConn Student Wanted for Murder
–– Using buck shot?

Trump shares sexist tweets calling Hillary Clinton a 'skank' and insulting prominent Democrats
–– Skanks for the memories.

Massive leatherback sea turtle spotted nesting on Florida beach
–– In Barcalounger.

Fears rise of ‘murder hornet' spreading in western Canada after sighting
–– Buzz-eh?

Blue Bee Feared to Be Extinct Is Found in Florida
–– Still depressed, however.

6 Serious Diseases You Can Get From a Lone Star Tick Bite
–– 4. Houston rickets.

Rare pygmy sperm whale washes up on California beach with 'bullet hole in its head'
–– Authorities suspect suicide.

Prehistoric Great White Shark Nursery Discovered in Chile
–– Fishbone mobile still hanging above crib.

These 'Elvis Worms' Shimmer and Sparkle—and Fight Rough
–– Actually have pelvis.

'Hitler's Alligator' Leaves Behind Complicated Legacy at a Moscow Zoo
–– SSsss troops in Reptile House.

Why did a loon stab a bald eagle through the heart?
–– Crazies capable of anything.

The House Mouse First Invaded Europe 6,500 Years Ago
–– Known as Cave Mouse.

Coyote Kills Dog And Rangers Kill Coyote At Cape Cod National Seashore
–– For 10 points: Who kills rangers?

Half the Visible Universe Was Missing. Scientists Just Found It.
–– Was in john.

Study finds electrical fields can throw a curveball
–– Being scouted by West Virginia Power.

Meet the world's oldest bug, a 425-million-year-old millipede fossil
–– Yes, he’s usually this quiet.

How to Truly Get Rid of Those Annoying Gnats in Your Home for Good
–– Burn it down.

Can Maggots Fuel Sports Drinks? South African Startup Thinks So
–– Gaggerade?

Rare Form of Miniature Stenciled Rock Art Found in Australia
–– Just traces.

Mauna Kea’s Quakes Might Be Caused by Shifting Gas
–– All that Spam.

Biscuits and Gravy, the kitten born with two faces, dies
–– Lying, even in rest.

Marge Redmond, Sister Jacqueline on 'The Flying Nun,' Dies at 95
–– Old habits die hard.

Anthony James Who Starred in Unforgiven and In the Heat of the Night Dies at 77
–– Creep out.

World’s oldest man, the UK's Robert Weighton, dies 'peacefully in his sleep' at 112
–– No longer Weighton.

Larry Kramer, Playwright and Outspoken AIDS Activist, Dies at 84
–– Death: ‘He cheated me so long, I feel kind of empty.’

Richard Herd, 'Seinfeld' and 'Get Out' actor, dead at 87
–– No Herd immunity.

Stanley Ho, Hong Kong billionaire and Macao's 'godfather of gambling,' dies at 98
–– Heave Ho.

Bill Small, Former Washington Bureau Chief of CBS News, Dies at93
–– Small fried.