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Week of 06/19/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s head looms behind President Donald Trump as his mustache obscures his former boss’ face, a symbolic reference to his tell-all book The Room Where It HappenedTrump calls it 'inappropriate' for Bolton to write book
–– Finds any sign of literacy obscene.

Hummingbirds see colors we can’t even imagine
–– Accused of multi-racism.

Pompeo calls Bolton 'a traitor' as Trump administration scrambles to halt book release
–– ‘A quisling’ should know.

Ex-acting chief of staff unable to say how portions of Bolton's book are 'factually false' and also classified
–– Like how can he be ‘full of shit’ and also government spokesman.

Kellyanne Conway Says John Bolton 'Had Many Nice Things to Say' About Trump
–– Establishing he’s liar?

John Bolton’s Baffling Anecdote About a “Rocket Man” CD
–– How Trump wanted to record duet with Kim Jong-un singing Honky Cat?

Bolton Book Shows Trump Eager to Help Autocrats in US Courts
–– Wanted to fix game of horse between Kim, Rodman.

Trump calls for 'new justices' after Supreme Court ruling on DACA as conservatives take aim at Roberts
–– He’s such a Dreamer!

Lindsey Graham 'stunned' at SCOTUS decision on Dreamers: I didn't think Trump admin could lose
–– ‘Like ah woke from a nightmare!’

Supreme Court says federal law protects LGBTQ workers from discrimination
–– Make Rainbow connection.

Rush Limbaugh calls Supreme Court's LGBTQ decision 'biggest sellout of conservatism by conservative justices' in history
–– If you weren’t already lovin’ it.

NASA Releases Rainbow-Colored Images of Martian Moon Phobos
–– In offbeat Pride celebration.

Trump: will submit 'enhanced papers' on U.S. Supreme Court immigration decision
–– Printed in neon ink on scented paper.

White House Blockade on House Testimony Endures, but Shows Cracks
–– Pompeo, others bend over too far while servicing Trump.

Health experts fear Trump's campaign rally in Tulsa could turn into a coronavirus 'super spreader' event
–– Like a 40' CT Series Artex.

Trump Is Basically Throwing His Own MAGA Coachella
–– Where very act is basically Kid Rock.

Oklahoma Republicans Speak Out Against Trump Ahead Of Tulsa Rally
–– Read above headline, got really nervous.

McConnell to keep grip on GOP even if Republicans lose Senate
–– That’s how it is once rigor mortis sets in.

Why Activists Are Insulted—And Worried—By Biden’s Play-It-Safe Police Reforms
–– Designed to get votes from other 96% of voters not them.

Pelosi orders removal of portraits of former House speakers who served in the Confederacy
–– Painting over in blackface might’ve been amusing alternative.

Padma Lakshmi's Daughter Has Been Learning About Discrimination Since 'Day 1'
–– ‘When I treated her nanny like dirt.’

Quaker Oats to Retire Aunt Jemima After Acknowledging Brand's Origins as 'Racial Stereotype'
–– Amidst flap, Jack.

Trump trailing in polls because people don't want to admit they support him, former press secretary says
–– Like wearing 'I’m With Stupid T-Shirt' with arrow pointing to own face.

‘My biggest risk’: Trump says mail-in voting could cost him reelection
–– Might be licked like stamp.

Scientists Warn Against Consumer Protection Nominee
–– Like fox in hellhole.

Netflix billionaire Reed Hastings is building a 2,100-acre luxury training camp for teachers in rural Colorado
–– Then setting psycho killer loose to film thriller reality show.

You Can Now Buy Spot the Robot Dog—If You’ve Got $74,500
–– And want to participate in Spot the Rich Jerk.

Get Your Dad an Illustration of His Favorite New York Restaurant
–– Prop up on rickety card table on Father’s Day as he eats baloney sandwich finished with potato chips.

The Justice Department is reportedly planning to weaken protections for internet companies like Facebook and Twitter that drew Trump's ire
–– Lowering the Barr.

Trump’s Niece To Publish Tell-All Including ‘Salacious’ Details About President: Report
–– Can’t recount any family anecdote without ‘salacious’ details.

Trump mocked his father as he started succumbing to Alzheimer's, according to his niece's upcoming tell-all
–– Imitation of Fred placing salt shaker in breast pocket big hit at family gatherings.

Ivanka Trump Has Mocked Melania Trump as 'The Portrait' Because She Rarely Spoke, Biography Claims
–– Bananas oil.

The Inventor of Ibuprofen Tested the Drug on His Own Hangover
–– Tried to trademark Hair of the Dog.

Bear obeys man teling it to get away from bird feeder
–– Then eats him, but still…

Tiny plankton tell the ocean's story – this vast marine mission has been listening
–– But you have to get really close to hear.

Can eating cicadas solve the sustainable protein problem?
–– For marsupials we hope you’re asking.

Scientists Are Breeding More Resilient Corals. Could They Resurrect Reefs?
–– If scientists can stand genital chafing.

The mystery of male sea turtles in Florida: There may be fewer but does it matter?
–– Well, we don’t give damn.

Smooth Handfish Extinction Marks a Sad Milestone
–– Wave bye-bye.

Scientists fear deforestation, fires and Covid-19 could create a 'perfect storm' in the Amazon
–– Where tsunami drowns them all?

Scientists grow mini brains from stem cells containing Neanderthal DNA
–– Not that originals were much bigger.

Incestuous kings may have built Ireland’s Newgrange passage tomb
–– When they were just coming into their own.

Bright Patches on Saturn’s Largest Moon Are Dried Up Lake Beds
–– Dark patch in one of those thought to be Titanic.

Dog owners share hilarious pictures of their pets in-bread
–– Rye humor?

'Jack-of-all-trades' fish learned to walk on land because of its diet, study says
–– Craved Jack in the Box.

Genetically Modified Mosquitoes Approved For Insect Population Control In The U.S.
–– And exsanguinating elephants.

Biggest reptile egg from 68 million years ago found in Antarctica
–– Other 68-million-year-old reptile eggs jealous.

Betting On Great White Sharks Now Being Offered, But No Attack Odds
–– Or whether they'll bite off ear like Tyson?

Hulu’s New Series 'Love, Victor' Features Some Pretty Well-Known Actors
–– News flash!

Sean Penn Recalls Why His Fast Times at Ridgemont High Audition Went 'Terribly'
–– Penn and teller.

Nick Cannon on Former Wife Mariah Carey: ‘I Can’t Hold a Candle to That Woman’
–– ‘I tried torching her, but just couldn’t.’

Raven-Symoné introduces the world to her wife
–– World: “Who are you, again?”

Alaska's 'Into the Wild' bus, known as a deadly tourist lure, has been removed by air
–– They coulda sold some tickets for that ride.

Mama June admits to $2,500-a-day meth habit
–– But insists you compliment her weight loss.

What Perry Mason Taught Americans About the Criminal Justice System
–– Defense attorneys typically lose 1 in 271 cases.

Taylor Swift says Confederate monuments in Tennessee make her sick
–– Should try to stop riding them.

Melania Trump wishes army happy birthday but not husband whilst absent from family photos
–– Thanks army for ‘good time.’

Trump to sign order on tracking police misconduct, officer training amid George Floyd protests
–– Y'know, Floydian slips.

Trump lashes out after critics highlight unsteady walk down West Point ramp
–– On the decline.

Trump tweet reemerges criticising Obama's movements as president defends bizarre ramp walk
–– Ramp pickup.

Voice Of America Director, Deputy Director Resign After Donald Trump-Selected CEO Takes Over At Global Media Agency
–– Renamed D'ohs of America or DOA.

Public dislike for Jeremy Corbyn played ‘significant’ role in Labour’s historic election defeat, independent post mortem finds
–– Corbyn copy.

Academic 'drugged and beaten for forming a choir' in Iranian jail
–– Were to perform I Wanna Be Sedated.

Egypt passes electoral changes that could bolster Sisi supporters
–– Vote si, si!

Rob Lowe's surprising friendship with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas
–– Like Butch and Some Dunce.

Scientists just found the 'chemical fingerprint' of an alleged nuclear explosion that went undeclared in Russia
–– Was from middle finger.

North Korea blows up liaison office in Kaesong used for talks with South
–– With negotiators in it!

China says asks Canada to investigate pests found in logs
–– And bumps on stumps.

China may send 100,000 ducks into Pakistan to battle locusts
–– Where will they send bills?

After World War II, Most ‘Ordinary Nazis’ Returned to Lives of Obscurity. The World Must Recover Their Stories Before It’s Too Late
–– Working nein to five.

How Trump Tries to Tar Black Lives Matter Without Seeming Racist
–– Helps to have feathers in head.

Tucker Carlson Dials Up Fear Factor In Ugly New Attack On Black Lives Matter
–– Is always ugly attack when mouth is open on camera.

Tucker Carlson Promises Viewers They’re ‘Not Crazy’ for Continuing to Watch Him
–– Tries to explain distinction between ‘crazy’, ‘stupid’ to morons.

This bridge is nicknamed the 'narrowest place on Earth'
–– aka ‘Carlson’s Mind.’

A Florida bridge is at 'risk of an imminent collapse' after a large crack appears underneath
–– Nicknamed ‘London Bridge.’

World's Heaviest Bony Fish Spotted Off UK Coast
–– ‘I’m just big-boned’ is excuse he gives everybody for weight.

US has hit agreed troop-cut target of 8,600 in Afghanistan
–– Taliban break out sparkling cider, toast.

NYPD finds no wrongdoing by Shake Shack employees after officers got sick from milkshakes
–– Brick and motive?

Giants kicker Aldrick Rosas arrested in alleged hit-and-run accident in California
–– Scores extra point for cowardice.

Chinese appliance billionaire He Xiangjian held hostage in kidnapping attempt
–– Who He?

John Cleese Mocks Fox News for Unknowingly Reporting Monty Python Joke
–– Dead parroting is what they do best.

Howard Stern Responds to Backlash Over Resurfaced Video of Him in Blackface, Using N-Word
–– Not red-faced under there.

Ariana Grande Unfollows Starbucks on Instagram After Coffee Chain's Black Lives Matter Controversy
–– Threatens to sue if they don’t take her name off drink.

Elon Musk: 'SpaceX is building floating, superheavy-class spaceports' for its Starship rocket to reach the moon, Mars, and fly passengers around Earth
–– ‘Without end quotes!

Elon Musk Thinks Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Should “Bury the Hatchet”
–– In each other’s head.

Milky Way Could Host up to Six Billion Earth-like Planets, Scientists Say
–– And design rad websites.

Tree snake swallows an entire gecko in gruesome footage in Thailand
–– In ad for local insurance company.

Teen involved in stabbing of Barnard student Tessa Majors sentenced to 18 months in custody
–– Minor in Justice.

Watchdogs express concern to lawmakers about ability to oversee coronavirus relief funds
–– That Mnuchin is hiding in mattress.

Ted Cruz challenges actor Ron Perlman to wrestle Jim Jordan after attack on Gaetz
–– If he gets to be towel boy in showers afterward.

Meet Raz Simone, The Alleged ‘Warlord’ Of The Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone
–– Just don’t Raz him.

Trump excoriates Inslee, Seattle mayor over autonomous zone
–– Hog, Wash.

Lady Antebellum Says They Reached "Common Ground" With Blues Singer Lady A After Name Change
–– With stack of cash on it.

Democrats oppose Pentagon policy nominee who called Obama a 'terrorist leader'
–– Want to say Tata.

Emmanuel Macron: France will not 'erase its history' and take down controversial statues
–– History's history, Manny.

Rayshard Brooks shouldn't be dead 'because he was drunk at a freaking Wendy's': Atlanta protests continue after fatal police shooting
–– Or really any drive-thru, let’s be clear.

Saudi Prince Asks $40 Million for 39-Bathroom Beverly Park Compound
–– We'd never pay more than a mil per john!

Bryce Dallas Howard Admits She Didn’t Tell Anyone Her Last Name in College: 'I Was Insecure'
–– Was already nicknamed Dopie Opie.

Spike Lee Apologizes for Woody Allen Comments
–– Spiked lead.

Rita Moreno's concern for Biden's potential presidency: 'Scares the hell out of me'
–– What would leave body if Trump reelected?

Trump doesn't really respect members of the military. He uses them as props.
–– Not even jets?

Why Trump Is Right To Worry About That Glass of Water
–– Certainly smarter than him.

Buffett’s Company Accused Of Planting Bricks At Protest Sites By Online Conspiracy Theorists
–– aka Blockheads.

US Senate candidate Kobach reports 4 guns stolen from truck
–– His, wife’s, and two assault rifles for youngest daughters.

Jake Tapper: ‘Trump Stands With Dead, Racist Losers’ by Honoring Confederate Commanders
–– Dead, racist losers are base's base.

NYPD commissioner on disbanding plainclothes unit: "It was time for a change"
–– “This summer is all about colorful uniforms, accessories.”

Buffalo mayor calls video of police shoving 75-year-old protester "horrific"
–– Retires word for use with actual atrocity.

Jay Inslee: Ninety-nine Percent of the Citizens in My State Reject Trump’s Crusade on Science
–– In least scientific survey ever.

Wellness guru claims breathing can reduce inflammation in illness
–– And breathing recommended for general health.

Brain Gene Tops the List for Making Humans, Human
–– Item 2 is Dumb Nucleic Acid.

There could be 36 communicating intelligent civilizations in our galaxy, study says
–– None in our solar system.

Trump claims some people wear masks 'to signal disapproval of him'
–– Middle finger they hold up in front of mask signals that.

Bruce Springsteen to Donald Trump: 'Put On a Fucking Mask'
–– 'Just cover that face somehow!'

Hilton lays off 22% of its corporate staff
–– Orders them to check out.

Model projects 200,000 people in the US could die from coronavirus by October
–– Bella Hadid gets pretty dark.

How many people have REALLY died of Covid-19?
–– Not just lying there on slab motionless, eyes closed, holding breath.

I Officiated A Zoom Funeral. Here’s What I Didn’t Expect.
–– Cam in coffin.

Immunity to COVID-19 may wane just 2-3 months after infection, study suggests
–– In latest incomplete, confusing finding.

Infectious disease expert says coronavirus won't slow down until 'about 60% or 70%' of American population is infected, points out US is at 'about 5%'
–– Talk about Catch-19.

Studies Estimate That Lockdowns Slowed COVID-19 Spread and Saved Lives
–– And now that virus has disappeared…

Mick Mulvaney dumped as much as $550,000 in stocks the same day Trump assured the public the US economy was 'doing fantastically' amid the COVID-19 outbreak
–– Mickey slipped.

Lori Loughlin Is “Scared” She’ll Get the Coronavirus in Prison
–– We’re ‘terrified’ we’ll have to read about it.

Mexico’s coronavirus death surge puts testing regime under the microscope
–– If you could find one.

Saudi Arabia weighs canceling annual Muslim pilgrimage amid surge of new coronavirus cases
–– Will that offset tramplings?

Iran’s death toll from coronavirus outbreak approaches 10,000
–– 100,000+ greater U.S. death toll mocks it mercilessly.

China's real coronavirus death toll 'could be TEN TIMES higher'
–– Or far less than half as many as U.S. with quadruple population.

15,000 Years Ago, Humans in Israel Ate Snakes and Lizards
–– Like they were at some Chinese wet market.

Flush carefully. Study suggests coronavirus could spread in spray from toilet
––– Prima feces evidence?

In public toilets, flushing isn't the only COVID-19 risk
–– You’ve got to stop licking around soap dispenser.

Japanese researchers confirm coronavirus testing in sewers as possible outbreak warning system
–– And possible punishment for failing med students.

An Extinction Event for America’s Restaurants
–– They’ll be dining out on this for years.

Prince Charles Lost His Sense of Smell and Taste When He Contracted Coronavirus
–– Ironic he couldn’t be with Camilla then.

For Newly Remote Workers, Small Town U.S.A.Will Lose Its Allure Soon Enough
–– Remote and remote?

Texas governor says young people are driving coronavirus surge
–– Which was going to be Chevy’s newest model.

Trump on coronavirus: 'If we stop testing right now, we'd have very few cases, if any'
–– ‘If they stopped polling, I’d be automatically reelected.’

When Your Best Friend in Quarantine Is a Squirrel, You May Be Going Nuts
–– If you knitted mask, Netflix and chilled with him, there’s no doubt.

Another Coronavirus Lockdown May Be On The Horizon, Centers For Disease Control Warns
–– Where you see angry throng with torches, pitchforks, rifles.

Cuomo Warns He May Reverse Reopenings After New York Gets 25,000 Complaints
–– Ready to make official proclamation of ‘Psych!’

Cuomo wraps up popular coronavirus briefings with warning for other states: 'More people will die'
–– Expect reruns for next 18 months.

Rats at food markets and restaurants found to carry several strains of coronavirus
–– On silver trays.

Restaurant uses private igloos to implement COVID-19 social distancing
–– But only serves cold raw fish.

COVID-19 crisis could undermine young people's trust in governments
–– Easy to undermine anthill.

Fauci warns of 'anti-science bias' being a problem in US
–– US capitol, that is.

Fauci said US government held off promoting face masks because it knew shortages were so bad that even doctors couldn't get enough
–– And no other substance on Earth could block virus from mouth, nose.

US stockpile stuck with 63 million doses of hydroxychloroquine
–– Or slightly more than one per idiot who voted for Trump.

Maskless Woman Coughs on Fellow Customer in Argument Over Face Masks in New York Coffeeshop
— Asked if she wanted ‘foam’ on latte.

Ian Holm, 'Lord of the Rings' star, dead at 88
–– In body Baggins.

’Brilliant and talented' French climber Luce Douady, 16, dies following fall
–– Luce rocks.

William S. Sessions, who served as FBI director under three presidents, dies at 90
–– Sessions cancelled.

Ricky Valance Dies: Singer For Controversial ‘Tell Laura I Love Her’ Was 84
–– Valance curtains.