Monumental Lapse
Week of 07/03/20
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump denounces statue toppling during July Fourth celebration at Mount Rushmore
–– Ex-Presidents threaten to fling selves from monument.
The lasting gift of the Fourth of July
–– Missing fingers.
Trump Uses Mount Rushmore Speech to Deliver Divisive Culture War Message
–– Shit down the middle.
U.S. Is 'Out of Control' Under Trump, 75 Percent of Americans Think: Poll
–– Because 50 Percent of Americans don’t.
Hand sanitizer and fireworks could make for a dangerous July 4th. What you need to know
–– Don’t scrub hands with lit M-80s.
Jellyfish the size of dinner plates are welcoming visitors to Northeast beaches this Fourth of July weekend
–– So whip up some peanut butter sandwiches, head over for picnic.
Why July 4th is the most dangerous day of the year for dogs
–– Beagle rockets.
Nope, every dog year isn't equal to 7 human years, researchers now say
–– Will next tackle how many lives cats actually have.
’World’s Oldest Cat' Dies Aged 31
–– Was senile, forgot 9th life.
Newly recognized dog breed by the American Kennel Club: The rare Belgian Laekenois
–– Identified lifting leg on AKC banner.
The race to save the banana
–– Don’t slip on peel!
What I Learned About Burgers, Salt, and Myself By Totally Botching a DIY Shake Shack Kit
–– And let's guess what was in your Concrete.
Kim Jong-un is seen for the first time in a month
–– Now so big, could be spotted from moon.
The Trial of Jamal Khashoggi's Alleged Killers Has Begun, But It Won't Deliver Any Justice
–– Don't mean to absentia.
Gov. Huckabee on Trump's reelection strategy: 'The president has got some challenges'
–– Tries understatement for first time in life.
Karl Rove: The Trump campaign needs to hit 'reset' ahead of Republican Convention
–– It’s that big red button marked ‘Self-destruct.’
Endangered butterfly in San Diego County is the focus of a new protection effort
–– Given 24-hr. police guard.
Cuckoo wasps that lived with dinosaurs were green just like today's
–– Still lack experience.
Tiny Japanese dinosaur eggs help unscramble Cretaceous ecosystem
–– Shell of hard-boiled headline shirr stupid.
See the Face of a Man Whose Skull Was Mounted on a Stake 8,000 Years Ago
–– Was nicknamed 'Pencil-neck.'
Woman with Lyme disease stings herself with BEES as treatment
–– Takes her lumps.
Bizarre new planet is largest known rocky world, 40 times as massive as Earth
–– Has seen all films multiple times including both Creeds.
I’m middle aged and my mother has died. Is it too late to build a family of my own?
–– Now that she can’t bear you children?
These worm-like amphibians may have venomous saliva
–– Trumps do spit out poisonous words.
Music festivals near lakes could be 'stressing out fish', study claims
–– Especially endless Phish concerts.
Sparrows are singing a new song, in a rapid, unprecedented shift
–– In latest tweetstorm.
My half-sister has rejected my parents. Who is really to blame?
–– Ascribe her 50% of guilt.
Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman gush about each other for their 14th wedding anniversary
–– Enough about their sex life.
Kate Hudson Shares Sweet Photo Cuddling with Daughter Rani in the Bath: 'I Love My Babies'
–– So do suckling children.
Lindsay Lohan Says She's Learned 'Simplicity' Is 'Key' While Reflecting on Her 34th Birthday
–– ‘Words bigger than two syllables not worth it.’
Patrick Schwarzenegger Seen Wearing a T-Shirt Emblazoned with Photo of Khloé and Kim Kardashian
–– Newest version of ‘I’m With Stupid.’
'Human swan' to take flight on new mission to follow migrating ospreys
–– Sticks neck out.
The Moon May Be More Metallic Than Previously Thought
–– No paper, cheese?
From marmots to mole-rats to marmosets – studying many genes in many animals is key to understanding how humans can live longer
–– How about meerkats, mandrills, mule deer?
Jeffrey Epstein 'statue' installed in front of Albuquerque's City Hall
–– Protesters trying to figure where he stood on slavery.
Shia LaBeouf Tattooed His Entire Chest for New Movie 'The Tax Collector'
–– J, E, R, and K all pretty big.
Washington’s football team announces ‘thorough review’ of name
–– Redskins is eight letters so might take awhile.
Nick Kyrgios calls Boris Becker a 'doughnut' after being labeled a 'rat' by tennis great
–– They're both ratholes, it's settled.
Former Formula One chief Bernie Ecclestone becomes a father at 89
–– STP for STD worked.
California sues Cisco for alleged discrimination against employee because of caste
–– Caste adrift.
Fox reporter asks Biden about his cognitive ability
–– And he’s working for Fox News.
'If it's close – watch out': Biden says he has 600 lawyers ready to fight election 'chicanery' by Trump
–– Called 1-800-HOODWNK.
Netanyahu will miss Trump, but can live with Biden
–– Preparing pied-à-terre in trendy Tel Aviv neighborhood.
Seattle Police disperse protesters from occupied CHOP area after emergency order
–– Chop CHOP.
A huge Wendy's and Pizza Hut franchisee just filed for bankruptcy
–– Customer colons breath sigh of relief.
A 100-mph car chase in California ends with suspect driving over cliff and into the Pacific Ocean
–– In lamest Fast and Furious audition ever.
Calls for resignation mount after St. Louis mayor releases names of individuals calling for police reform
–– Some of her mispronunciations were pretty horrendous.
Director Kenny Ortega on the Queer Aesthetic of His Movies From ‘Hocus Pocus’ to ‘High School Musical’
–– And their ‘hacky sensibility.’
Director Kenny Ortega says ‘crooked police officer’ once planted drugs in his hotel room
–– Sounds more interesting than any film he made.
A 72-year-old woman was gored by a bison at Yellowstone National Park when she tried to take a picture
–– Bison cannot stand word ‘Cheese.’
Ed Henry fired from Fox News over sexual misconduct allegation
–– Grope-a-dope.
Trump-backed five-term Republican lawmaker loses primary to challenger who praised QAnon conspiracy
–– Q 'n' Ass.
New York Police Department's budget has been slashed by $1 billion
–– Beat down.
NYC Criminal Justice System ‘Imploding,' NYPD Boss Says as Homicides Hit 5-Year High
–– De Blasio buys more Acme implosive.
Meteorologists Warn 'Potentially Historic Heat' Could Swelter Most of U.S. in July
–– If swelter was transitive verb.
What Perseverance Can Do That Past Mars Rovers Couldn’t
–– Um, stick to it?
The Volkssturm: These Fanatical Nazi German Civilians Were Ready to Die For Hitler
–– Pronounced Vowks Trump.
He hasn't played in MLB in nearly two decades. One team is paying him $1.2 million a year until 2035
–– Meet the Mets, meet the Mets, step right up and beat the Mets.
Amy McGrath wins Kentucky Senate Democratic primary, CNN projects
–– And opportunity to be Mitch McConnell’s lunch.
Supreme Court sides with Booking.com in key trademark case
–– Provides accommodations.
Employee of a Miami restaurant quit after he says one of its owners jokingly referred to blackened chicken wings menu item as 'I Can't Breathe'
–– Manager nicknamed 'I Can't Think.'
Black high school baseball player says fans yelled 'You should have been George Floyd' and 'Get back to the fields'
–– He needs new fans.
Bill Belichick Praised Cam Newton as 'Public Enemy No. 1' for Patriots in 2017
–– Cam blot.
Mel Gibson Has Busy Film Slate Despite Renewed Anti-Semitism Claim
–– Expected Jews cleanse.
Lena Waithe: Why Change in Hollywood Must Be Mandated, Not Requested
–– ‘I’ve got a lot of friends need jobs.’
The St. Louis Couple Who Threatened Peaceful Protesters with Guns Live in a “Midwestern Palazzo”
–– Palazzo Pity.
Some consumer fireworks emit high levels of lead and other toxins, a new study finds
–– Safe in every other way.
Supreme Court opens door to state funding for religious schools
–– To make payments in collection plates.
Justice Clarence Thomas says Roe decision doesn't have 'shred' of constitutional support
–– Like him with sense.
Trump was 'near-sadistic' in phone calls with female world leaders, according to CNN report on classified calls
–– Marquis duh! Sade.
Trump’s phone calls with foreign leaders are so unhinged that US officials think the president is 'delusional' and a national security threat
–– Or at least 'Crank Yanker.'
MLS players blast $65 Disney World sandwiches ahead of tournament
–– Frank footers.
Man loses 350 pounds by eating produce grown on his own farm
–– An ant farm.
Woman has a live cockroach pulled out of her ear
–– Thought it was audiobook of The Metamorphosis.
Staring at Red Light for 3 Minutes Appears to Improve Eyesight in Over 40s
–– Unless it's big button marked ‘Self-destruct.’
Why Do Cats Like to Knock Things Over?
–– Particularly banks?
’Golden State Killer' suspect pleads guilty to 13 murders, admits dozens of rapes
–– In canny tie-in campaign for HBO docuseries.
The Trump Administration Petitions the Supreme Court to Strike Down Obamacare
–– Smite makes right?
Trump calls Black Lives Matter a 'symbol of hate' as he digs in on race
–– Of you.
As America faces racial reckoning, I'm checking my white privilege, and here's why you should too
–– In coatroom full of hoods, white sheets?
People are calling for museums to be abolished. Can whitewashed American history be rewritten?
–– We want names, head count.
Four men were charged for trying to tear down a statue of President Andrew Jackson near the White House
–– In Jackson hole.
Montana Man Arrested for Pulling Down Ten Commandments Monument With Truck
–– Couldn’t find public throne.
Chef Boyardee proposed to replace Christopher Columbus statue
–– With Giant Ravioli designed by Jeff Koons.
Couple finds swastika of pepperoni on their take-home pizza
–– Maybe shouldn’t have gone to Little Hitlers?
People are defecating outside the Queen's vacation home
–– Other than Prince Philip.
Australian Court Upholds Geoffrey Rush's Defamation Payout
–– Rush II judgment.
Iran issues arrest warrant for Trump over drone strike that killed Qasem Soleimani
–– Dawg the Bounty Hunter on case.
Mississippi state legislature passes bill to remove confederate symbol from state flag in historic vote
–– Only took 155 years.
Nearly 60,000 lbs. of chicken nuggets being recalled because they may contain a rubber material
–– Bounced from shelves.
Blue Ivy Carter wins first BET Award
–– Just learned how to spell NEPOTISM.
Viola Davis Is 'The Black Meryl Streep' But She Earns Less and Fans Are Ang
–– Also Meryl Streep Whose Films Earn Less.
Now Is a Time to Learn From Hispanic Americans
–– How to say “esta mierda está jodida.”
Trump Retweets Racist Video Showing Supporter Yelling ‘White Power’
–– Believed to be Mr. Clean.
Trump denies being briefed on Russian bounty intelligence
–– Only Bounty intelligence concerned paper towels for Hurricane Maria relief in PR.
Bolton: Trump's denial of Russian bounty intelligence briefing shows his 'fundamental focus' is not on US security
–– But rather lunch.
Ex-FBI deputy director: Here's what briefing Trump is like
–– Try to get chihuahua to sit still while reading him War and Peace.
With Irresistible, Jone Stewart Preaches Toothlessly to the Choir
–– One singing Amathing Grath?
Trump says administration has done 'incredible job' with coronavirus, despite daily cases climbing to high
–– As in ‘Impossible to believe.'
Trump again hails U.S. COVID-19 testing as cases rise by record levels
–– Hails seizure.
Donald Trump Still Believes Coronavirus Will 'Disappear' at Some Point
–– When we get testing down to zero.
Ex-Bush Aide Lays Blame For New Coronavirus Spike: ‘This Is Trump’s Plague Now’
–– Plague's dumb.
Almost a third of COVID-19 samples show mutation, but not worse disease - WHO
–– How about you figure out original strain a half year in?
The Week America Lost Control of the Pandemic
–– One that included Election Day, 2016.
With beaches closed for 4th, South Florida’s hospitality industry absorbs another blow
–– Especially brothels.
‘We were in that first wave of creative diarrhea' -- Chris O'Dowd says celebrities' 'Imagine' cover was a mistake
–– CDC just added to side effects list.
COVID-19 vaccine must protect 50% of people for approval, FDA says
–– Give it half a shot?
Fauci says newly identified swine flu is "something we need to keep our eye out on"
–– In a pig’s eye.
Trump says masks are a 'double-edged sword.' Goldman Sachs says they could help save the economy
–– Then please put one in mouth.
Pence changes course: 'Wearing a mask is a good idea'
–– ‘You can tell, the President won’t do it.’
Mitch McConnell: 'We must have no stigma' about wearing masks in public
–– Should have stigma about reptilian face.
Donald Trump Jr. Says It's Not 'Too Complicated' to Wear Masks
–– ‘Except for Eric.’
Surgeon general says masks are 'instruments of freedom' that can bring back football
–– Would love to see linebackers just wearing surgical masks.
The iconic lion statues outside the New York Public Library are wearing face masks to encourage humans to do the same
–– Volunteers trying to fashion eensy ones for pigeons perched on them.
Paris Hilton’s Rhinestone Face Mask Is Remarkably Pointless
–– While this article is astonishingy germane.
Texas Republican on why he won't wear a mask: If I get coronavirus, 'I'll wear it'
–– Like badge of pride. Deeply-ignorant pride.
U.S. sets single-day record for new coronavirus cases for fifth consecutive day
–– Feeling week.
Pelosi says federal mandate on masks is 'long overdue'
–– Don't mask, don't tell.
New York, New Jersey and Connecticut want people coming from hot spots to quarantine — but how will they enforce it?
–– Random snipers at borders.
‘Absolute nightmare': Boris Johnson admits coronavirus has been a disaster for the country
–– Badenov, Boris?
Coronavirus pandemic ‘not even close to being over,’ WHO chief warns. ‘The worst is yet to come’
–– Sez WHO?
Jacksonville, new site for President Trump’s convention speech, will require masks in public, indoors
–– In heat, expect Jacksonville panters.
Hundreds of teens at 'pong fest' party exposed to coronavirus, officials say
–– Paddled by virus.
Some Scientists Propose a Name for Nature in the Time of COVID-19: The 'Anthropause'
–– Some? We want numbers.
Egypt reopens airports, pyramids after coronavirus closures
–– Mummies’ sarcophagi.
‘Window is closing' for US to get coronavirus under control, Trump's HHS secretary warns
–– ‘Trump’s pudendum caught in it.’
Montaigne Fled the Plague, and Found Himself
–– Montaigne: his composure.
Costco stops selling half-sheet cakes
–– Head baker 3 sheets to the wind.
Olivia de Havilland, the Last Remaining Star of Old Hollywood, Turns 104
–– Dead pools dry up.
Former Washington Redskins coach Joe Bugel dies at 80
–– Play taps.
Charles Webb, Author of 'The Graduate' Novel, Dies at 81
–– Webb crawler.
Carl Reiner, longtime comedy legend, dies at 98
–– Exit laughing.
Mel Brooks Remembers Late 'Best Friend' Carl Reiner: ‘I Loved Him’
–– Brooks: no argument.
Local Man Finds 2,000-Year-Old Roman Lead Ingot in Welsh Field
–– Had call in to Reiner, Brooks to ID.
Hugh Downs, anchor of '20/20' and 'Today,' dead at 99
–– Hugh's down.
Johnny Mandel, 94, Writer of Memorable Movie Scores, Is Dead
–– Suicide is painless, how about old age?
