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Cogito, Ergo Scum
Week of 07/24/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Photo illustration of sleeping Donald Trump lying back on a My Pillow dreaming the cognition test sequence of Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV in crude drawings.Trump Defends His Cognitive Testing Results on Fox News. Again.
–– Can’t remember previous boasts.

Biden Says Trump Is America’s First ‘Racist’ President
–– This decade?

Fox News Doctor Fawns Over ‘Extremely Sharp’ Trump: Our ‘Interview Was a Cognitive Test’
–– 64-year-old Dr. Siegel not too quick, either.

Trump brags about cognitive test results again, recalls having to repeat 5 words in order
–– Pussy, Pussy, Pussy, Pussy, Swamp.

Kushner says MBS, suspected of Khashoggi's killing, has made 'missteps' but a 'good ally'
–– ‘Tripped up disposing of corpse.’

Trump hits at Liz Cheney as Republicans call on her to step down
–– Dicks around.

What Demi Lovato and Max Ehrich Have Said About Their Engagement
–– That won’t make you physically ill.

Why Eric Brady Actor Greg Vaughan Is Leaving 'Days of Our Lives'
–– Even he didn’t believe it’s still on air.

Dave Franco to Play Vanilla Ice in Upcoming Biopic About the Musician To the Extreme
–– Has Vanilla down.

Blake Lively Makes Racy Comment That Ryan Reynolds Got Her Pregnant Again — and He Responds!
–– Does every headline have to be about racy relations?

A Billion More Tons of Plastic Could Blanket Earth by 2040
–– We'll need for body bags.

US ranked among worst countries to raise a family, study says
–– Unless Manson, Addams.

Trump Just Cancelled the Big Florida Rally Planned for the Republican National Convention
–– Jax off.

Pat Boone recalls meeting pal Elvis Presley: 'He was just a scared young kid'
–– Was Boone brandishing pistol?

Mayor Lori Lightfoot has Christopher Columbus statues removed from Chicago parks overnight
–– Hotfoot it.

QAnon Conspiracy Theorist Agent Margaritaville on the Run From Cops
–– Tip.

Dennis Quaid on 39-Year Age Gap Between Him and His New Wife: 'We Don't Even Notice It'
–– ‘She’s really near-sighted, I have macular degeneration.’

Britney Spears' Brother Speaks Out About Conservatorship: 'She's Always Wanted to Get Out of It'
–– Well, she’s really out of it.

Gwyneth Paltrow says Rob Lowe’s wife taught her how to perform oral sex
–– Raw blow.

Christopher Meloni is selling Ozzie and Harriet’s famed mansion
–– Which he doesn’t own! With their bodies in it!!

Former University of North Carolina Wilmington professor who resigned amid controversy found dead in his home
–– Now that's cancel culture.

Washington’s football team to call itself Washington Football Team until it settles on a new name
–– Not the Generics?

Why the Black Lives Matter movement doesn't want a singular leader
–– Not 'exceptionally good or great?'

Ilhan Omar Campaign Mailer Accuses Opponent of Being ‘in the Pocket of Wall Street’ and Only Quotes Jewish Donors by Name
–– Hits PLO the belt.

Labour Admits It Smeared Jewish Whistleblowers Under Jeremy Corbyn
–– With schmaltz.

Incarcerated people look to Senate to cap prison phone rates
–– And cap guards who dis them.

Ohio House Speaker Larry Householder, 4 others arrested in $61 million bribery case
–– More like Housebreaker.

Derek Chauvin, the ex-officer charged in George Floyd's death, faces several felony charges for tax evasion
–– Just when you think you know someone…

What we know about the death of Fahim Saleh, the 33-year-old tech millionaire who was found decapitated and dismembered in his Manhattan condo
–– Rest in pieces.

Hamas West Bank leader freed from detention after 16 months: son
–– Hamas detention ended.

Chicago violence: Fourteen mourners shot outside funeral home
–– In horrendous, but efficient attack.

Trump ‘Surges’ Feds to Chicago Like It’s a War Zone
–– Surge and destroy.

GOP Lawmaker Who Called Ocasio-Cortez a ‘F*cking Bitch’ Apologizes for ‘Misunderstanding’
–– Meet the F*cker.

’He didn't even say my name': Ocasio-Cortez not satisfied with apology from Yoho, who denied insult
–– Yo, ho-ho and a battle of scum.

Mike Pompeo said US intelligence shows the head of WHO was 'bought by the Chinese government,' according to reports
–– At cost!

U.S. Orders Closure of Chinese Consulate in Houston, Residents Call Fire Department in Response to Burning of Documents
–– Just old takeout menus.

People are burning documents at the Chinese Consulate in Houston, as Beijing says the US abruptly gave it 72 hours to shut it down
–– Just trying to keep warm in 94º weather.

US consulate: China orders US consulate closure in tit-for-tat move
–– Pompeo clearly tit.

Trump blasts Beijing in public, but privately Trump org imports tons of Chinese goods
–– His idea of buyer's tactic.

Portland mayor tear gassed after speaking with protesters on presence of federal agents
–– Oregon grinder.

Portland Commissioner apologizes for accusing police of setting fires
–– Baton ruse.

Court documents reveal secretive federal unit deployed for 'Operation Diligent Valor' in Oregon
–– Original name ‘Vigilant Dolor.’

Wall of Moms' protect Portland's BLM protesters
–– Back womb boys.

Woman Stretches Naked in Front of Cops While Protesting
–– Spreads cheek.

L.A. Times Bureau Chief Compares Naked Portland Protester to Tiananmen Square ‘Tank Man’
–– Has turret’s syndrome?

Former Bush DHS secretary rips Trump for treating department like 'the president's personal militia'
–– Department of Homeboy Security.

First Thing: is Trump a 'law and order' president, or a lawless one?
–– Um, this is in The Guardian –– how many points do we get?

Israeli police use water cannon at anti-Netanyahu protest
–– Not unwelcome in sweltering heat.

For young Egyptians, Sisi's kite ban is their first taste of an oppressive regime
–– Tastes like… chicken shawarma.

Ancient Roman artifacts discovered by police in Spanish seafood store
–– Urn their pay.

Mediterranean Sea was '3.6°F hotter during the Roman Empire'
–– Globalus warmus?

Ancient stone tools suggest first people arrived in America earlier than thought
–– As early as 6:30 or 7am.

Scientists accidentally create new hybrid fish
–– Off the scales.

How mosquitoes evolved to be attracted to humans, and what that means for the future
–– Itching to know?

Cricket Avoids Being Bat Food By Doing Nothing
–– Same as everyone we know.

Monkeys poke each other’s noses, pull hair in odd rituals
–– Learned from watching Three Stooges.

Arctic to See 'Savage' Temperatures Over Next Days as Siberia Hits 95°F
–– Will be fit for beast?

Methane leaking from Antarctica sea floor, bad for global heating
–– SBD.

World Methane Emissions Hit New High
–– Blow that out your ass.

Extreme Weak Point in Earth's Magnetic Field May Be 11 Million Years Old
–– An unattractive idea.

Man Rams Car Into Ex-Girlfriend's Apartment Building After She Refused to Eat With Him
–– Delivers takeout of front door.

Trump on Jeffrey Epstein's jailed companion Ghislaine Maxwell: 'I just wish her well'
–– "And remind her 'Silence is Golden' and 'Loose lips sink rats.'"

Trump claims not to be following Maxwell case despite long ties to Epstein
–– Those red ones that reach past crotch.

Geraldo Rivera Calls Donald Trump “Brave” For Ghislaine Maxwell Well Wishes, Says Alleged Procurer’s Detention Is “Woke Politics”
–– Pimpy long shockings.

Ghislaine Maxwell Bragged About ‘Pal’ Jeff Bezos
–– Or ‘let's smear world’s richest man.’

’Fury Road' stunt double reveals how 'challenging' Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron feud affected set
–– Emotions ranged from furious to furiosa.

Charlize Theron Reacts After 72 Million Watch The Old Guard on Netflix: 'Pretty Nutty'
–– If nutty means pathetic.

Former Nazi Guard Is Convicted in One of Germany’s Last Holocaust Trials
–– The Reich stuffed.

Clint Eastwood Sues CBD Retailers for Deceptively Using His Name
–– High plain grifters.

Alex Trebek (jokingly) suggests his Jeopardy successor: Betty White
–– 'What's 'not remotely funny', Alex?'

‘It’s like bombs loading on': Venice restricts numbers allowed on gondolas, complaining that tourists have gotten fatter
–– Roly-poley.

‘Disgraceful’ vandals damage 1000-year-old tree in Sherwood Forest
–– Not merry men.

Spying, election hacks, assassinations: British report details scale of Russian subversion campaigns
–– Putin in perspective.

U.S. and Baltic states oppose Russian 'rewriting of history'
–– They can do whatever they want, but please lie about it.

Iran Diplomat Proposes Sanctions Club With Russia, China, to Resist U.S.
–– Code named Baby Shitters Club.

Coca-Cola plans to cut ‘zombie brands’ from its portfolio
–– Like Die-it Coke?

GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz spent taxpayer money on a personal TV studio
–– Gaetzgate.

The Trump administration wants homeless shelters to use physical characteristics like the 'presence of an Adam's apple' to identify and refuse shelter to transgender women
–– All about Eve.

TSA officers discover 'artfully concealed' assault rifle inside suitcase at airport
–– Flower appliques 'nice touch.'

Pence 'absolutely' would send his children back to school despite spreading risk
–– Ages 25 to 28.

Trump warns of 'greater mortality' if schools don't reopen
–– Indicating another word he doesn’t know meaning of.

Trevor Noah on schools opening: 'Parents are stuck between a rock and a hard place'
–– If you’re going to quote his writers can you try for mildly amusing?

White House touts coming executive order on healthcare, saying it will 'have teeth'
–– 'That won't be covered by dental plan, but still…'

Former Fox News producer alleges then-host Ed Henry violently raped her and asked her to be his 'sex slave' in lawsuit filed against the network
–– Be her john Henry.

Humans arrived in North America at least 15,000 years earlier than we thought, discoveries show — which suggests they came by boat
–– As does 30,000-year-old Admiral's cap.

Orlando Bloom says his missing dog, Mighty, is dead and reveals a tribute tattoo
–– Still regrets failed tie-in with Purina.

Star says she hasn't touched money she made on 'The Cosby Show'
–– Had premonition of his wrongdoing in 1992?

Toronto 'Chair Girl' Marcella Zoia avoids jail for hurling a chair onto a freeway from a high-rise building
–– Judge takes it sitting down.

Riley Keough Remembers Late Brother and "Best Friend" Benjamin: "I Guess This Is True Heartbreak"
–– "Hotel?”

Alden Ehrenreich Breaks Down Peacock's 'Brave New World': "It's a Thousand Things At Once"
–– “All mediocre.”

Burger Records to Shut Down Completely Amid Sexual Misconduct Allegations
–– Patty whack.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ Latest Claim About Trump Has People Scratching Their Heads
–– And confirming longevity of Stockholm Syndrome.

What the mysterious boredom divide teaches us
–– Hunh, didn’t get past ‘divide’?

While most retailers struggle, Aldi plans to open 70 new US stores
–– In Age of Even Cheaper Shit.

Ex-Trump lawyer Michael Cohen sues William Barr for 'gag order'
–– Most of his rulings make us sick.

Judge orders release of former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen by Friday, saying book publication restriction was ‘retaliatory’
–– Barr bar black sheep.

Joe Biden says he is considering four Black women to be his running mate
–– Hoping for cat fight to settle.

Wendy’s launches a rewards program
–– Gold star if you can finish Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger 4 for $4 Meal without puking.

Cinnamon linked to blood sugar control in prediabetes, study finds
–– Authored by a Dr. Cinnabon.

UK suspends Hong Kong extradition treaty and extends China arms embargo to the city
–– Issues declaration that trusting them in 1997 was 'bloody mental.'

China's first homemade icebreaker heads to the Arctic as Trump looks for 10 more of them from 'a certain place'
–– Wants party jokes, one-liners.

Gap shares fall after Kanye West threatens to walk away from Yeezy deal
–– Geezy.

How 'Inception' Redefined Christopher Nolan
–– Now synonym for ‘confused.’

Taco Bell is saying goodbye to its 7-Layer Burrito and other classics to make room for two new menu items
–– Given 20-flush salute.

Online petition calls on Trader Joe's to change its 'racist packaging'
–– 1,700 people in nation of 330 mil.

NYPD commissioner offers scathing rebuke of lawmakers critical of officers and pushing for reforms
–– Cops and ribbers.

Police used drones to monitor nudity at a Minnesota beach
–– That can be operated with one hand.

'We have no market, but lots of lobsters': a Maine lobsterwoman fights for her livelihood
–– So not pot to piss in?

Princess Beatrice Is a 'Very Hands-on Stepmom' to New Husband's 4-Year-Old Son
–– Claim child services in complaint.

Prince George Shares His Birthday with a Royal Teenager!
–– Child services nervously note.

Robert Downey Jr., Tom Holland Promise Gifts to Boy Who Saved His Sister From Dog Attack
–– Iron Man action figure for him, beef-scented perfume for her.

Martha Stewart's sexy pool thirst trap is making Instagram sweat
–– Which can happen when you crack up in hot weather.

Scientist admits bisexuality exists after controversial 2005 study
–– Used to go both ways on it.

Foreigner Fined Eight Buffaloes, Eight Gongs for Insulting Malaysian Indigenous Groups
–– Cold as Ice.

Mary Trump says President 'is not going to get better and he is without question going to get worse'
–– While admitting it won’t be easy.

Head of NYPD union gives Fox News interview with QAnon mug in background
–– Should’ve been mug shot.

With plane carrying Dale Earnhardt Jr. on fire and filling with smoke, pilot kicked open cabin door
–– Changed tires.

Despite recent anti-Semitic comments, Jews and Black people have long been allies
–– And protesters great students of history.

A Virginia high school named for Robert E. Lee will be renamed for Rep. John Lewis
–– Nobody does like Robt. E. Lee.

He dressed up at Comic-Con. He preached to chickens. He's the John Lewis you don't know
–– Nicknamed Jerry.

Trump Orders Flags at Half-Staff in Salute to John Lewis
–– ‘I mean, I’d have them draped on ground if I could.’

How Trump Went From Avoiding Masks to Calling Them Patriotic
–– By going from lying about polls to reading them.

Woman Refuses to Wear Mask, Compares It to Pants Not Stopping 'Fart' Smell
–– Yeah, could smell stink coming out of her mouth.

California’s COVID-19 Dream Has Devolved Into A Nightmare. Now What?
–– California reaming.

Face masks remnants found in the guts of sharks
–– Even they don’t know how to wear them.

The Clubbing Industry Says It Desperately Needs Government Support to Survive
–– And seals aren't going to bludgeon selves.

It's Going to Take a Lot of Luck for Live Music to Come Back Safely
–– Luck be a roadie tonight.

Senate GOP plans another round of direct checks for Americans in next relief bill, McConnell says
–– Each one with Memo: Vote Republican!

Cut off from world, and virus, Gaza prepares for Eid like nowhere else
–– Eid bet on it.

Social distancing Canadians eye new sight at Niagara Falls: crowds of Americans
–– Made of the missed.

Bill Gates shot down a conspiracy theory that he wants a global coronavirus vaccine rollout so he can implant microchips into people
–– ‘Actually, they’re the size of a Dorito.’

Inventor of N95 mask technology comes out of retirement amid pandemic: 'If I did not help, I would regret it for the rest of my life'
–– He can breathe easy.

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro tests positive for COVID-19 a 3rd time
–– It’s like Carnival in his lungs.

Passengers Clap as Woman Kicked off Flight for Refusing to Wear Face Mask
–– Was shit faced?

Trump calls Fauci 'a little bit of an alarmist' as coronavirus cases rise
–– 'Bullshit detector goes off any time he's near me.'

Fauci says contradicting Trump 'not helpful,' avoiding 'being overtly at odds'
–– 'Truth will only confuse people.'

Almost all Covid-19 patients with symptoms had at least one of these three, small CDC survey says
–– Small because only 4 mil to review.

FDA recalls more hand sanitizers due to toxic chemical
–– Toxic to virus, right?

Winn-Dixie reverses stance on masks after Trump tweet
–– Win dick sees.

Disney delays 'Star Wars' and 'Avatar' films, and takes 'Mulan' off the calendar
–– So yes, there is some good news.

Ruthie Thompson, Disney Animation Pioneer, Turns 110 in Quarantine
–– Given Dalmation for each year.