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Irreality TV
Week of 08/28/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Spoof of the Survivor reality TV show with Donald Trump at the podium for the Republican National Convention and his family supporters behind him dressed like contestants. They include Kimberly Guilfoyle, Ivanka, Jared Kushner, Eric, Melania and Don Jr.What Trump Didn’t Say In His RNC Speech Is As Important As What He Did Say
–– A single verifiable fact would’ve made difference?

‘Apprentice’ Producers Help Plan Republican National Convention
–– You’re fired up?

Melania Trump Wears a Dramatic Fuchsia Cocktail Dress With an Unexpected Twist at the Republican National Convention
–– To symbolize her confuchsian.

Melania Trump Wore a Green-Screen Dress, So the Internet Got to Work
–– Project runway.

Immigrants in Trump's naturalization ceremony didn't know it was for the Republican convention
–– Did wonder why clown in shock wig was blabbing away.

Anthony Scaramucci calls Trump's decision to speak every night of the Republican convention 'beyond ridiculous'
–– ‘Kinda like asking my opinion on anything.’

Why Republicans weaponized impeachment at the convention and Democrats ignored it
–– Not proud of unsuccesfully unseating him?

Sen. Rand Paul: Trump is the first president in a generation to seek to end war rather than start one
–– Generation being 3.5 years: Obama on Iraq?

How Trump Mastered the Art of Telling History His Way
–– In latest slang for lying.

All In The Family: Half Of RNC's Planned 'Key Speakers' Are Trumps. Twitter Implodes.
–– And are all Archies.

Don Jr. says this election is 'church, work and school vs. rioting, looting and vandalism' - while Kimberly Guilfoyle attacks Biden and his 'socialist comrades' who will 'fundamentally change this nation'
–– Yeah, Uncle Joe Biden.

Puerto Ricans push back on Kimberly Guilfoyle's 'first-generation American' remarks
–– Question if she’s ‘first-generation Earthian’ after that speech.

Mike Pence claims you 'won’t be safe in Joe Biden’s America' in RNC address
–– Like today when we’re all comfy, cosy at home where you can barely hear sirens, smell smoke?

Wisconsin AG says Jacob Blake was near knife, single officer shot him in the back 7 times
–– Inside kitchen drawer in house he was parked in front of?

Jacob Blake Criminal Record Details: Supporters Say Active Warrant Doesn't Justify Kenosha Police Shooting
–– Tad harder to rally around guy accused of sex assault.

‘We appreciate you guys': Wisconsin police in armored vehicles thanked armed militia and gave out water bottles
–– Acting with militia’s intent.

Pence aide: NBA protest over Kenosha are 'absurd and silly'
–– There are no words to describe lackey, master’s culpability.

Kenosha police chief says deadly shooting wouldn't have happened if people weren't out after curfew
–– A statement factually accurate and horrific.

Kenosha shooting suspect is a former member of a youth police cadet program, Illinois police say
–– And certified space cadet.

Black Lives Matter protesters stand over diners at DC restaurant demanding they show solidarity
–– White ruffle soup.

White House's Kushner says he will reach out to NBA superstar LeBron James
–– James to request 60-foot social distancing.

Fox News host defends actions of teen charged in Kenosha shooting
–– Neat trick because literally indefensible.

Tucker Carlson Has a Few Hollywood Friends Rallying To His Defense
–– Rally craps.

DeJoy pledges to uphold "sacred duty" of delivering ballots, denies sabotage allegations 
–– ‘Sacred in the sense that President Trump is my God.’

Rats reported feeding on packages of rotted fruit and meat as postmaster general's cutbacks unleash chaos at California's mail centers
–– So base hasn't lost appetite.

Court orders Donald Trump to pay legal fees in Stormy Daniels suit
–– For bail bondage.

Teen Democratic Candidate Aaron Coleman Accused of Choking His Girlfriend
–– Or did he just have fingers on pulse?

Fact check: Barack Obama did not spend $65K on prostitutes, code-named 'pizza' and 'hotdogs'
–– This 'fact' needed checking?

City Names Sewage Plant After John Oliver Following the Host's Rant on Town on 'Last Week Tonight'
–– He's not flushed with pride.

How a hurricane forecast predicts an ‘unsurvivable’ storm surge
–– Then realizes it used wildly exaggerated adjective.

John Lennon's killer denied parole for the 11th time
–– Chapman: ‘Will you still jail me, will you still fail me, when I’m 65?’

Woman Called the Cops Because She Thought Store-Bought Meat Was a Penis
–– They told her ‘stop doing that with it.’

Glasgow woman who bit chunk of girl's ear off in furious row over boyfriend dodges jail
–– Girl: ‘Did I hear that right?’

It's like dating a guy that you know sucks,' says Serena Williams after loss
–– Who?

Talented parrot talks exactly like Matthew McConaughey
–– Caw-right, caw-right, caw-right.

Kate Winslet and Saoirse Ronan choreographed their explicit sex scene on Ammonite
–– Any scissors kicks?

‘Ammonite' Is Historical Fanfiction About the World's First Great Fossil Hunter
–– Ammirite?

Fallen Boulder at the Grand Canyon Reveals Prehistoric Reptile Footprints
–– You mean reanimated dinosaur toppled it?

Average temperature was 11°F colder 20,000 years ago in the Ice Age
–– Sounds more like Sweater Weather Age.

US cities are spending millions on trees to fight heat – but are their plans equitable?
–– Because whole planet doesn't benefit if greenery is 20 blocks south?

Greta Thunberg: What she did during her year-long school break
–– Let's just say she's bringing iceberg for show and tell.

Bird deaths down 70 percent after painting wind turbine blades
–– With message: ‘Hey, Watch it!’

Hollywood Walk of Fame Star Isn't Enough to Honor James Hong
–– What else do veteran bit players deserve?

Black and white tegu lizard sighted for the first time in South Carolina
–– Half of it pulled over for crawling suspiciously.

Observers Question Duterte’s Ability to Lead After He Revealed He Has a Chronic Illness That May Lead to Cancer
–– And how about his psychosis?

Facebook wants to help build AI that can remember everything for you
–– Bots having all your info? Forget it!

‘Deserves No Mercy’: Courtroom Bursts Into Applause as Golden State Killer Is Sentenced
–– His contrition speech after 13 murders, 50 rapes, 120 robberies, that good.

Embattled Sen. McSally Tells Backers Not To Eat — And Give Her The Money They Save
–– If they can stomach her.

Michael Cohen's Book Will Bare Trump's 'Steep Illegality,' Vows Anthony Scaramucci
–– ‘Like high dive into empty 12-ft.-deep pool.’

’Soulmates’: Michael Cohen describes his life as Trump's fixer in new book
–– They shared 10% of one.

California Wildfire Nearly Destroyed the Historic Lick Observatory
–– Almost last Lick’s.

Biden to ABC's Robin Roberts: 'I didn't feel pressure to select a Black woman' as running mate
–– “My arm was totally numb from twisting.’

Biden's campaign to run ad seizing on Trump's Goodyear comments
–– Sounds tired.

Notre Dame distances from Lou Holtz after he questions Biden's Catholic faith
–– Raised their Irish.

Trump says Obama isn't a great president because 'much of what he's done we've undone'
–– Same reasoning as Wilhemus de Rijk.

Trump has used this word over 250 times this year
–– ‘Me’? Oh, thought you said ‘this hour.’

Trump’s sister bitterly criticizes him in conversations secretly recorded by her niece Mary Trump
–– Brother Rat.

Trump 'Has No Principles' And 'You Can't Trust Him,' His Sister Reportedly Said On Tape
–– Hell Mary pass.

First lady Melania Trump unveils White House Rose Garden restorations ahead of RNC
–– Tells reporters to ignore Eric squatting, ‘fertilizing’ tulips.

Bannon calls his arrest a 'political hit job' aimed at intimidating Trump wall supporters
–– Hits Wall.

Kushner says Israel-UAE deal 'should increase the probability' that UAE gets F-35 jets
–– Being only reason they agree to pact.

Israeli tech's 'thirst' for UAE cash must overcome old enmity
–– Watch out –– it’s a thirst trap!

Why must every Lebanese generation endure violent chaos—and its aftermath?
–– Could just succumb to violence.

Claudia Conway is so furious that her mother, Kellyanne, is to speak at the RNC that she's 'officially pushing for emancipation' from her family
–– Wants to run away from circus.

Kellyanne Conway announces she's leaving the White House and George Conway is stepping away from Lincoln Project
–– Claudia volunteers for SpaceX mission.

Former Miami pool boy calls Falwell Jr. 'predator,' claims ex-Liberty University president sent him pic of student exposing herself
–– ‘Would get down on his knees to prey.'

‘We have the strongest relationship': Becki speaks out on affair, denies Jerry watched
–– ‘He was more like squinting through the bondage mask.’

Jerry Fallwell Jr.’s Wife Becki: ‘We Couldn’t Take This Torture Any More’
–– ‘Is what Jerry told me to say when Giancarlo pretended to slap my bottom.’

Jerry Falwell Jr. to receive $10.5 million in compensation for resigning from Liberty University
–– Which will buy lots of porn, manacles, binoculars.

Sports Illustrated veteran Carol Alt, 59, reveals intense sexual harassment she experienced in '80s
–– Alt, right?

William Barr told Murdoch to 'muzzle' Fox News Trump critic, new book says
–– Top dog offered one of his own.

Shinzo Abe Will Resign as Japan’s Prime Minister, Citing His Worsening Health
–– Well, Abe damned!

Elon Musk Is About to Show Off His Neuralink Brain Implant
–– In back of his head where aliens communicate.

Woman Demonstrates Just How Easy it Is to Spike Drinks
–– Or watch any spy film ever.

Airline pilots are worried about their jobs. So some are learning to fly drones
–– Where cockpits are way smaller.

Oh, great: NASA says an asteroid is headed our way right before Election Day
–– And they can’t direct to White House.

Mark Meadows dodges questions about Trump's QAnon embrace: 'We don't even know what it is'
–– Need Qtips?

The US Senate candidate who took a QAnon pledge
–– Needs to take AlAnon pledge.

Russian opposition leader Alexey Navalny was poisoned, Berlin hospital says
–– Gee, talk about toxic shock.

Suspected poisoning of Putin critic was meant to kill him, not to scare him off, chief aide says
–– Poisoning of last dozen critics was meant for that.

Four years later, Republican senators admit, "yes, Trump conspired with the Russians"
–– ‘You should just be grateful he didn’t poison Hillary.’

Iran says black boxes from downed Ukraine jet show missiles hit 25 seconds apart
–– In Vlad-out amazing coincidence.

J.K. Rowling returning human rights award after Kerry Kennedy called her statements 'transphobic'
–– Spells trouble.

Claudia Schiffer turns 50 and stars in denim campaign
–– Thanks to good jeans.

A fish that walks on the seafloor has gone extinct. Can its cousins be saved?
–– Ones that skip on seafloor?

Gas Made by Bacteria May One Day Replace Fossil Fuels in Plastic Production
–– And you’ll be unable to order eau sans gaz again.

Bizarre tusked creature that lived 250 million years ago hibernated
–– No wonder with face like that.

What did the katydids do when picking up bat sounds?
–– Don’t you mean appropriating?

Monkeys Found Buried in 2,000-Year-Old Egyptian Pet Cemetery
–– Explorers fear Curse of the Monkey's Tomb.

South African vets take CT scan of 210kg gorilla
–– Then realize he has no insurance!

Monster Alligator Snapping Turtle Weighing 100 Pounds Found In Florida River
–– Thought it was Monster Alligator Piranha Orca Velociraptor Snapping Turtle.

Her toilet wouldn't flush. She lifted the tank lid to find four snakes coiled inside
–– Called plumber to snake?

Maryland trooper fatally shoots DUI suspect while being dragged by vehicle for half a mile, police say
–– After passing his stop.

Vegan Meat Company’s Anti-Union Speeches Are Being Scrubbed from the Internet
–– Politburo will need to hear about this.

China's Three Gorges Dam is one of the largest ever created. Was it worth it?
–– Dammed if we know.

A 150-pound runaway tortoise is back home after 74 days on the lam
–– Runaway?!

Researchers Announce First-Ever Clinical Trial Combining MDMA and LSD
–– And have not been seen since.

BTS ‘Dynamite’ Breaks YouTube Record for Most-Viewed Video in First 24Hours
–– Really ‘blows up’, ‘arrives with a bang’, 'explodes on the scene’, ‘proves kids have shit taste.’

Aaliyah's music could soon appear on streaming services
–– Making surviving members of family happy?

Jennifer Lopez Introduces Short Film About Her Trans Nibling, Brendon
–– What’s she chewing on?

Acting Homeland Security chief says department does not have authority to send agents to polling locations
–– But his boss, Grand Wizard, definitely can.

Trump to nominate acting Homeland Security secretary Chad Wolf to top role
–– Part he’s been acting badly for nine months.

Inside Krispy Kreme's insane new location in Times Square
–– Note padded walls.

Ex-Trump official: Fox host was Trump's shadow chief of staff
–– And Lou Dobbs casts shadow nearly as big as Trump’s.

Melania Trump Sports Signature Sky-High Stilettos With A Somber All-Black Ensemble For Trump Brother’s Memorial
–– Spent service killing water bugs, cockroaches.

How the Emmy-Winning Team Behind the Tonys Created the 2020 Democratic National Convention (EXCLUSIVE)
–– Was two clicks less gay.

Coke will offer buyouts to 4,000 workers in the US and Canada
–– Canned.

LG has designed a wearable air purifier for your face
–– And wearable urine-to-water purifier for your y’know.

As ‘Tenet’ and ‘New Mutants’ Open, Audiences Weigh Risk of Going Back to the Movies
–– Risk to sensibilities.

Reports: Trump Sabotaged Coronavirus Testing to Keep Numbers Low
–– And still world’s highest –– sounds right.

DC Quietly Changes Testing Guidelines To Exclude People With No Symptoms
–– Quietly when every news organization reported, debated it?

How Many Coronavirus Cases Are Happening In Schools? This Tracker Keeps Count
–– Virus instructed to say ‘Present.’

Trump says he saved 51 million jobs in pandemic. Economists, U.S. officials say otherwise
–– Praying one more he can’t.

Melania Trump Tells Virus Sufferers They're "Not Alone"
–– “I have been wearing of the mask every nights for years to protect against horribible infoction.”

Covid-19 Cases Connected to Sturgis Rally Rise After Event that Featured Smash Mouth, Lit, More
–– Virus hog wild.

‘During lockdown my son was super stuck to me'
–– Or ‘Mommy’s Epoxy Boo-boo.’

’Never seen anything like this': Llama antibodies show promise for COVID-19 cure
–– Llamazing!

DC clarifies surprise guidelines that people without COVID-19 symptoms don't need testing
–– When Director Redfield jumped out of cake.

Fauci says he was in surgery when task force discussed CDC testing guidelines
–– Having Trump's foot removed from buttocks.

Don’t argue with anti-maskers, CDC warns stores
–– They might bite.They already bite, but literally.

Van Morrison Slams ‘Pseudo-Science’ of Social Distancing, Demands Return of Full-Capacity Gigs
–– Into the Mistake.

Hong Kong man 'first case' documented of getting coronavirus twice, researchers say
–– Nicknamed ‘Lucky.’

Jerry Seinfeld Pens Scathing Rebuke to Idea NYC is "Dead" Due to Pandemic
–– A whole yada shakin' going on.

Covid outbreak hits nudists at France's 'Naked City'
–– Who nue?

Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro threatens to punch reporter in the face
–– ‘Right in your stinking face mask!’

At least 13 people die in stampede, as police raid nightclub breaking coronavirus restrictions
–– Was it Livestock Night?

There’s concern a 3rd coronavirus wave in the U.S. could be 'more diffused,' less concentrated
–– Like this headline?

Outdoor Dining Is a Hit, but Restaurants Face ‘Apocalyptic’ Times
–– Patrons will soon be hunting radiation-infected human prey for cannibal entrees.

Theater Owners Unveil Nationwide Safety Protocols to Encourage Return to Cinemas
–– Will give Todd extra big broom, dust bin to sweep up virus.

The coronavirus pandemic could be over within the next two years, WHO chief hopes
–– What qualifies as Happy News.

‘I would shut it down': Biden says if scientists recommended, he would lock down country to curb COVID-19
–– 'I love leading from my basement.'

Man in Walmart gives customers hugs and tells them they now have Covid-19
–– Same effect as touching any item in snack aisle.

'Black Panther' star Chadwick Boseman dies at 43
–– Wake, under forever.

Scooby-Doo Co-Creator Joe Ruby Dies at 87
–– Scooby-Done.

Arnold Spielberg, Father of Steven Spielberg, Dies at 103
–– Gets Hook.