Densest Chopper
Week of 08/07/20
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
‘Screw COVID’: 250,000 Bikers to Defy Common Sense for Nine Days at Sturgis Rally
–– After it screws you.
‘SOS’ in the sand saves Pacific island mariners
–– Thousands of cleaning pads airlifted to stranded.
‘Shameful’: Biden slams Trump for saying he would ‘hurt God’ if elected
–– Means he’d send goons to rough up deity.
Joe Biden will no longer travel to Milwaukee to accept Democratic nomination
–– Will have case of PBR, selection of wursts delivered to basement.
Biden VP prospect Karen Bass claims Scientology hadn't been 'exposed' before her 2010 praise of it, despite several high-profile media probes in the 1990s and 2000s
–– She has same chance of nod as reaching Xenon.
The one mistake Biden mustn't make with his veep pick
–– Back massage with hair sniffing?
Why giving the Space Force naval ranks might widen the schism with the Air Force
–– And amuse Navy no end.
Gwyneth Paltrow Recalls 'Unease and Unrest' in Marriage to Chris Martin: 'We Just Didn’t Quite Fit'
–– Did ‘conscious uncoupling’ before he broke something.
Why Do Razor Blades Get Dull So Quickly?
–– Stubble bums.
Dogs understand praise the same way we do. Here's why that matters.
–– You must be morons.
Stimulus Negotiations Fail as Senate Adjourns for Another 3-Day Weekend
–– Jerk-offs jerk off.
Saying goodbye to dying wife likely cost 90-year-old 'Romeo' his life. He had no regrets, family says
–– Medicare paid for fatal poison.
Why the U.S. government is allowing bears, wolves to be hunted in their dens
–– Don't want to mess up family rec rooms.
Scientists mutate fish with disturbing results
–– Neighbors’ pets disappearing.
Florida current is weaker now than at any point in the past century
–– Nah, nah, nah, nah-nah.
Satellites Spy Poop-Stained Ice, Revealing New Emperor Penguin Colonies
–– Yeah, ‘Emperor’. Real classy.
Here’s Why Red Ants Are So Much Worse Than Black Ants, According to Experts
–– MAGA hats.
Los Angeles Angels Ex-Employee Charged With Supplying Drugs That Killed Pitcher Tyler Skaggs
–– Scag?
How Hollywood content can ‘normalize injustice’
–– And other rejected high school term papers.
29-story office tower in Kentucky secretly owned by billionaire Russian oligarchs, feds say
–– Plotting alternate race Kentucky Ushanka.
Trump says he's working on health insurance executive order on pre-existing conditions
–– This month’s task.
Mariah Carey’s sister accuses their mother of alleged sexual abuse at ‘satanic worship meetings’
–– And she’s still ‘sensible’ one.
Take a look inside the ‘most sophisticated’ smuggling tunnel found on US-Mexico border
–– With its chic neo-Brutalist design.
Trump, Known for Fixation on Women's Looks, Calls Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez 'a Real Beauty'
–– Um, he was being sarcastic, as in beaut.
German ambassador pick disparaged immigrants and refugees, called for martial law at US-Mexico border
–– Will he advocate rebuilding Berlin Wall?
Jerry Falwell Jr. will take a leave of absence from Liberty University
–– At liberty.
Oliver Stone claims ‘cancel culture’ would see him attacked if classic films came out today
–– And if there were any real critics left.
Iran accidentally sinks replica US Nimitz-class aircraft carrier
–– In bath tub.
Normal People Heartthrob Paul Mescal Stars in New Rolling Stones Music Video for 'Scarlet'
–– On Mescaline?
Virginia Giuffre: Sex with Prince Andrew was 'the longest 10 minutes of my life'
–– Apparently doesn’t have Quibi.
The Wedge Issue That’s Dividing Trumpworld
–– One dividing their pale, flaccid buttocks.
TikTok threatens legal action against Trump's executive order, saying it sets a 'dangerous precedent'
–– Or was it ‘dangerous president?’
Resort evacuated over fears of Mont Blanc glacier collapse
–– Ice machines shut down.
Alyssa Milano thought she was dying and tested positive for Covid-19 antibodies
–– Shares chilling symptom: ‘I couldn’t feel my career.’
When a nearly 12-foot alligator came toward his 4-year-old, this dad sprung into action
–– Sprang false.
Zoe Saldana apologizes for playing Nina Simone in panned 2016 biopic
–– Zen-Whoberis waiting for their apology.
Aimée Osbourne Explains Why She Didn't Want to Be on Her Family's Reality Show
–– Shares screen cap of shred of dignity.
Louisiana Supreme Court upholds Black man's life sentence for stealing hedge clippers more than 20 years ago
–– Shear idiocy.
Mike Ditka says kneeling athletes should 'get the hell out of the country'
–– ‘Crawling on their knees, like Al Jolson singing Mammy.’
Companies apologize after using the Māori word for 'pubic hair'
–– And apparently yanking a very sensitive Māori by his short ones.
Pence calls Chief Justice John Roberts 'a disappointment to conservatives'
–– Aww, y’mean we’re going to have to start to grudgingly respect Chief Justice?
Justin Bieber Shares Photos from His Joint Baptism with Wife Hailey Baldwin: 'Trust in Jesus'
–– Jesus: ‘This is just temporary, you know.’
Woman Dragged Off South Carolina Beach by Cops After Complaint About Her Bikini
–– Thong arm of the law.
Michelle Obama Blames Her 'Low-Grade Depression' In Part On Donald Trump
–– His depression is A-1.
This Is What Happens If The Trump Administration Is Guilty Of Violating The Hatch Act
–– ………………
‘Ellen DeGeneres Show’s’ DJ Tony Okungbowa Says He Felt ‘Toxicity’ on Set
–– “And not just when I spun Britney Spears.’
Lea Thompson Backs Brad Garrett, Says ‘True Story’ That Ellen DeGeneres Has Treated Guests ‘Horribly’
–– A-listers like them?
Tom Hanks in Talks to Play Geppetto in Disney’s ‘Pinocchio’
–– Italian puppeteers outraged, charge ‘wood-washing.’
Detective in Chad Daybell case describes duct tape found on JJ Vallow's body
–– ‘Well, it was grey, about 2 inches or so wide, sticky. Um, not sure of the brand… heh, I hope it was Duck ‘cause I always get a chuckle out of that.
Kristin Cavallari reunites with ex, Stephen Colletti, for a pic
–– NEWS FLASH! Cousin Roy ran into ex, Ida, on street, nodded.
Another Inspector General Resigns, Raising Questions About Pompeo
–– ‘Is he corrupt?’ already answered definitively.
Why Megan Thee Stallion Isn’t Slowing Down — or Backing Down
–– Neigh, nor bucking down.
’Unorthodox’ Star Shira Haas Is Ready for a Big Career in Hollywood
–– When Doxploitation trend hits.
Trump cites Lewis' decision to not attend inauguration to downplay legacy of civil rights icon
–– Only March on Washington that mattered.
Trump trashes Obama's Lewis eulogy that pressed for voting rights
–– And we really thought it would get ‘im ‘right there.’
Middle East cities are hit by highest temperatures ever
–– 125ºF if COVID had you thinking: "How about Baghdad?"
Lebanon launches investigation into ammonium nitrate at port after Beirut explosion
–– So they can properly spread fertilizer in official report.
Lebanon authorities declare Beirut a "disaster city" and impose state of emergency
–– Then the explosion.
Couple standing less than 600 meters from blast site survives Beirut explosion
–– That's more than 1/3 of a mile, but still…
Egypt is setting a dangerous precedent by jailing women for using TikTok
–– Just shame anyone for using it.
Weed is not good for your heart, studies say
–– But it’s really good for your…y’know…that, uh, thing, um…in your head.
Frog Eats Beetle. Beetle Crawls Through Guts to Escape
–– Exit to rear.
New York Mets Announce Yoenis Cespedes Opted Out of Season Hours After Team Couldn't Find Him
–– Would you want to be seen after team’s 3-7 start?
Yoenis Cespedes' Shocking Exit Par for the Course for Hapless Mets
–– Yo said it.
Biggest Bombshells from Johnny Depp's U.K. Libel Case: From Early Drug Use to Losing $750 Million
–– To desperate search behind pillows on couch.
The best ways to treat a wasp sting and why you should never use tweezers to remove it
–– Picky, picky, picky.
Tiger King's Saff says "a lot of things" weren't shown on the Netflix documentary
–– You mean they edit documentary series?
Drug dealer claimed to be key worker – then £55k of cocaine was found in his car
–– Had 500g, so 1/2-key worker.
Audi drops 'insensitive' girl with banana ad
–– Slipped on appeal.
Donald Trump Jr. has a long history of spreading misinformation and conspiracy theories online
–– Amazing what investigative journalism will turn up.
’Harry Potter' star Jason Isaacs reveals he had a 'decades-long love affair with drugs'
–– Douchius Malfoy.
Harry Shearer questions 'The Simpsons' decision over white actors voicing non-white characters
–– In color commentary.
Katy Perry said she and Orlando Bloom are bound by 'spiritual evolution': 'He gets up at 7 a.m. and chants for an hour'
–– Praying for release.
Florida man arrested, charged with murder after fatally shooting Burger King worker over drive-thru delay, police say
–– He'd had it, his way.
Game of Thrones' George RR Martin accused of making racially and sexually insensitive comments at awards show
–– By Jon Snowflake.
Coen Bros. Made a Filmmaking Exception After ‘Big Lebowski’ Set Made Jeff Bridges ‘Miserable’
–– Dude did not abide.
Cocaine 'was almost like coffee': John Landis, Dan Aykroyd talk John Belushi, frantic 'Blues Brothers' shoot as film turns 40
–– Belushi almost like caffiend.
Kate Hudson Does Yoga in Her Underwear as Daughter Rani, 1, Hangs Onto Her Legs
–– Whoa, downward, dog!
‘General Hospital' star Kelly Monaco temporarily replaced after suffering 'breathing problem'
–– Rushed to MR (makeup room.)
Another fake Pelosi video goes viral on Facebook
–– Real ones way too boring.
Baby elephant dies 27 days after his birth at St. Louis Zoo
–– Days he would never have forgotten.
Juan Carlos I, Spain's former king, has left the country amid scrutiny of alleged financial dealings
–– Hoping for dukedom in Spanish Harlem.
New postal policies that are slowing service may affect 2020 mail-in voting, union leader says
–– Slowing? So in reverse?
Kendall Jenner opens the doors to her bohemian LA home
–– Yeah, like millionaire Mimi.
Val Kilmer and his daughter, Mercedes, talk about their new movie, ‘Paydirt’
–– SPOILER ALERT! He croaks.
Chris Wallace Confronts Trump Campaign Spox Jason Miller: Admit ‘You’re Losing’
–– Spox on.
L.A. Zoo's African lions Hubert and Kalisa were euthanized after age-related health problems
–– Took lion down.
Florida man once bitten by alligator is chomped by 8-foot shark while on vacation
–– Shark had read rave review on Yelp!!!
Andrew Lloyd Webber offers his review of Cats: “The whole thing was ridiculous”
–– “And not like-the-show ridiculous.’
Murder hornets’ trapped in US for first time as officials race to eradicate colonies before breeding season
–– Holed up in nest with fly hostages.
Zombie cicadas' under the influence of a mind controlling fungus have returned to West Virginia
–– And are running for Congress!
The Rock, RedBird Capital Buy Vince McMahon's XFL for $15M After Bankruptcy
–– Hope it was for equipment, cool names.
California’s Apple Fire has grown to more than 20,000 acres and is 5% contained
–– Thought it was Amazon Fire.
Trader Joe's, responding to demands to change its packaging, says the product labels aren't racist
–– Didn’t buy from whine merchants.
Katie Holmes on living in New York during the pandemic, schools reopening come fall: 'I want everybody to be as safe as possible'
–– Huh, thought she’d endorse wholesale death.
ESPN reportedly chooses its new 'Monday Night Football' booth for 2020 season
–– Still not sure who to put in it.
’Back To The Future' writer suggests Doc Brown committed insurance fraud to fund his time travel experiments
–– Dumbbell indemnity?
How Diana Responded When Asked If Prince William Should Succeed the Queen Instead of Charles
–– ‘No! I want to see jughead totally humiliated on the job!’
Jim Carrey Calls Kanye West ‘One of the Great Characters of Our Zeitgeist,’ Talks New Book
–– ‘And us wack jobs gotta stick together. Smoooo-kin’!’
Egypt tells Elon Musk its pyramids were not built by aliens
–– Slaves native-born?
Sharon Osbourne Says NBC Boss Brought a Date to Their First Meeting and ‘Had His Tongue Down Her Throat’
–– Hey, maybe he was taking COVID sample.
Beyoncé’s 'Black is King' attracts less than 4% of Disney+ users on debut weekend: Data
–– Should’ve been ‘Black is Princess’?
Adele Shares a Rare Photo of Herself to Show Support for Beyoncé's 'Black Is King
–– Adele roar.
‘’Sex Became So Painful That It Was Hard To Walk—All Because I Had A Bartholin's Cyst'
–– ‘And pit bull humping my leg.’
A Michigan court has released the 15-year-old girl who was jailed for failing to complete her homework
–– After she earned extra credit cleaning toilet with toothbrush.
Alexander Vindman Takes Parting Shot At Donald Trump In Military Retirement Op-Ed
–– Disgruntled employees!
India has the world’s biggest cannabis industry that doesn’t exist yet
–– Like, I just hallucinated that, dude.
Dunkin’ Donuts employee arrested after cop finds 'large, thick piece of mucus' in his coffee
–– Did spit take.
A day after Trump floated delaying the presidential election, which he cannot do, the White House condemned Hong Kong for delaying its election
–– Says, ‘I’m thinking of moving up HK elections, which is completely in my powers I am told.’
Martha Stewart claps back at fan who called her lobster dish 'tone deaf' in light of pandemic
–– Insists crustacean could carry tune.
He’s probably been in more movies than any actor in history
–– Talk about crack research.
Red onions linked to salmonella outbreak that has sickened people in 31 states
–– Makes you weep no matter how you slice it.
Rhode Island mistakenly issued tax refund checks signed by Walt Disney and Mickey Mouse
–– To Goofy, Minnie, but still…
Snakes alive! Florida removes (gulp) 5,000 pythons from the Everglades
–– Kids told they’ll be sent to live on farm in Panhandle.
The Special Sauce That Makes Some Vaccines Work
–– It’s just Thousand Islands dressing.
If Billie Eilish Can Find Hope in Quarantine Maybe We Can Too
–– Because we’re mopey, overpraised teenage millionaires?
Student suspended after posting photo of crowded hallway
–– Lucky student out of COVID pit.
The US Is Disastrously Behind in Covid-19 Testing. Again
–– After Golden Age when?
Broken’ coronavirus tracking system leaves California in the dark: ‘We have no idea’
–– Too bad no high tech in state.
Trump falsely says kids are 'almost immune' from Covid-19
–– Like saying he 'almost makes sense.'
Uber announces employees can work from home through June 2021, and it's giving them $500 for their home office
–– And indoor carport.
Best friends, married for 35 years, die from coronavirus just 11 days apart
–– Less than 10 days we'd continue.
Dr. Anthony Fauci calls Brad Pitt's Emmy nod for 'SNL' portrayal 'surreal'
–– In latest slang for ‘silly.’
People are dying after drinking hand sanitizer, CDC says
–– No, no, snort it to get into lungs!
The mayor of LA threatened to cut power and water to houses hosting parties after YouTube and TikTok stars kept gathering despite COVID restrictions
–– And carpet bomb with hand sanitizer.
Joan Collins Complains About St. Tropez Crowds From Aboard Her Yacht
–– Topless bah!
Trump on Covid death toll: 'It is what it is'
–– Largely your responsibility that is.
Operation Warp Speed adviser says media criticism slows coronavirus fight
–– ‘We were hoping for Ludicrous Speed, but Fake News makes that impossible.’
Indian restaurant offers 'COVID curry' to scared customers
–– Tells them they can shit out virus.
GOP Rep. Louie Gohmert's daughter publicly chides him for ignoring 'medical experts,' getting COVID-19
–– Gohmert pile.
Hydroxychloroquine not effective, time to 'move on:' White House coronavirus testing chief Giroir
–– Trump: 'Yeah, move on like a bitch!'
WHO leader is stuck between feuding China and US. It's a situation 'rock star' Tedros has spent his life preparing for
–– Between rock, hard place?
Nancy Pelosi Tears Into Dr. Birx: ‘I Don’t Have Confidence’ in Her
–– Challenges to scarf-off.
Birx defends herself as Pelosi accuses Trump administration of spreading disinformation on Covid-19
–– Anti-faxxers.
Trump criticizes Birx for the first time after she issues coronavirus warnings
–– Doing job gets you noticed.
This golf pushcart retailer saw sales plummet 30% during the US-China trade war. Then COVID-19 made it an unexpected winner of the pandemic.
–– Par for the corpse?
Brazilian president’s chief of staff tests positive for Covid-19
–– From kissing Bolsonaro’s ass.
Morgues Are Overflowing in Mississippi and Coroners Are Terrified
–– Not the morgue the merrier?
Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis’ popularity plummets amid widely panned coronavirus response
–– Oh, the 'You Manatee!'
After Fauci Touts Europe's More Effective COVID-19 Tactics, Trump Says He's 'Wrong!'
–– Think he actually said ‘Wrong!!!’
A Florida couple has been charged after being caught getting groceries, washing their car, and walking their dog despite testing positive for the coronavirus
–– Put in jail where they can infect lots more.
Staples customer who told woman to wear mask is thrown to ground, has broken leg
–– Needs staple in knee, aisle 5.
5 ways the coronavirus changed how we eat fast food
–– Gotten really sloppy with masks.
19,000 more Americans could die from Covid-19 in the next 20 days, CDC composite forecast shows
–– Vegas oddsmakers have it at 3 to 2.
Pete Hamill, Legendary New York Newspaperman, Dies at 85
–– Post mortem.
Reni Santoni Dies: ‘Seinfeld’ & ‘Dirty Harry’ Actor Was 81
–– Poppy pooped.
John Hume, architect of Good Friday Agreement and Nobel Laureate, dies at 83
–– Hume and cry.
Wilford Brimley, an actor and a Quaker Oats pitchman, dies at 85
–– To be stuffed like turkey.
