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Return to Suspender
Week of 07/31/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Trump dreams he is in the desert delivering his vote to a mail carrier who is Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. She says “Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night shall keep me from delivering your vote” and, ina thought balloon, “Suckah!”Trump campaign official claims Dems' vote-by-mail push has 'huge potential for fraud'
–– Meaning it could benefit him?

Melania Trump announces Rose Garden renovation
–– Remove ugly orange parasite that keeps popping up?

Trump Floats an Election Delay, and Republicans Shoot It Down
–– Even they can’t bear a day more of this.

Hong Kong leader postpones elections
–– What democratically-elected official would even suggest such a thing?

Opinion: Tucker Carlson: America is witnessing a brazen power grab
–– Gee, ol’ Tuck is being pretty honest about Trump’s fascistic delay-the-elect… oh, he means Obama and minority voters?

John Lewis is first Black lawmaker to lie in state in US Capitol Rotunda
–– Carlson wishes it was former president.

Obama delivers passionate eulogy for John Lewis, urges Americans to vote: "He knew that the march is not over"
–– "Even in July."

At Lewis Funeral, Obama Calls Filibuster a ‘Jim Crow Relic’
–– Why senators crow for hours?

Stephen Miller: Obama’s comments at Lewis funeral ‘totally disconnected from reality’
–– ‘Here, let me show you reality… stand perfectly still, close your eyes, clear your mind completely and repeat after me…’

Trump’s dream of a V-shape rebound slowly slips away
–– Dream of grabbing V-shapes fading, too.

New $1,000 GOP Stimulus Check Plan Lowers Amount but Expands Eligibility
–– Hey, less is less.

“A Used-Car Salesman, Both in Demeanor and Honesty”: Wall Street Isn’t Sold on Larry Kudlow’s Economic Delusions
–– Chewing the Kudlow.

Houston Newspaper Says Texans 'Are Losing Confidence' in Trump's Leadership
–– And ’unsure’ Sam Houston can hold Alamo.

50% of Americans Say Health Care Reform Should Be Top Priority for Congress
–– Other half too sick to answer survey.

Coke with coffee will hit US stores next year
–– Because Americans experiencing too much restful sleep?

Women in Xinjiang shine a light on a campaign of abuse and control by Beijing
–– With flashlight they assembled as slave labor.

Japan Edges Toward Military Pre-emptive Strike Option
–– Tokyo drifts.

Kanye West's mental health battle is a wake-up call for empathy
–– Empathy has every right to hit Snooze button.

Trump Moans 'Nobody Likes Me,' And Twitter Critics Quickly Remind Him Why
–– Pity patter of tiny feat.

Trump Wonders Why His Approval Rating Isn't as High as Dr. Fauci's: 'It Can Only Be My Personality'
–– ‘And every second of my Presidency.’

‘We have polls that show me leading in almost every swing state,’ Trump says
–– ‘We have other ones naming me more popular than Jesus and Sportsman of the Century.'

Arizona train derailment and fire described as 'a scene from hell'
–– Or taking place in state in summer.

Trump aides frustrated president won’t pay respects to civil rights leader John Lewis
–– Physical presence at funeral would be biggest dis.

Peter Thiel, Trump's biggest supporter in Silicon Valley, is reportedly pumping nearly $1 million into a US Senate race in Kansas as he seeks new allies in Congress
–– Kobach gets Thiel of approval.

R.E.M., Rolling Stones, Elton John and Dozens of Artists Send Letter Demanding End to Unauthorized Political Use of Music
–– Where else are they being played?

‘A beehive of terrorists': Donald Trump threatens to deploy national guard in Portland
–– Hive mentality.

Trump says feds will stay in Portland 'until there is safety'
–– January 20, 2021 when he leaves office?

A journalist who's worked with PBS and National Geographic tells us what it was like being shot in the eye by law enforcement in Portland
–– ‘Not that different, I suppose, than in Okland, Minneapolis.’

’It comes from the top': Brad Garrett calls out Ellen DeGeneres after she blamed her staff in her apology and claims it's 'common knowledge' that she treats people 'horribly'
–– Not everyone loves Ellen?

Watch Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Make the Case Against Recruitment on Twitch
–– Jerky argument.

New Mars rover launches, seeks signs of past life
–– Perserverance spent youth there?

Is there lyfe on Mars? New concept broadens search for alien organisms
–– If there’s Renaissance Festival.

Spacecraft Made from Foam Could Reach Proxima Centauri in Just 185 Years
–– Send us text alert when it touches down.

Scientists Found an Ancient Graveyard of Anomalous Stars in Our Galaxy's Halo
–– Actors from Silent Era you never heard of.

Elizabeth Hurley, 55, goes topless to show off her beachwear clothing line
–– Bottomless? Pity.

Charlize Theron says she's dating herself, her daughter said she needs boyfriend
–– A lot of people would pay for video of that.

Kevin Costner on not finding success in every movie: 'I still love it'
–– Every or any?

’Waterworld’ at 25: How Kevin Costner's choice to ignore Steven Spielberg resulted in one of the most expensive movies ever
–– Sunk it.

Sea level rise could destroy 20% of the world's GDP by 2100
–– Could be great for Waterworld reputation.

Literally Just 23 Perfect TV Shows You Should Be Watching On Netflix
–– Apparently just if English is second language.

A tenant decapitated his landlord with a sword over a rent dispute, Hartford police say
–– Room at the top.

US to withdraw nearly 12,000 troops from Germany in move that will cost billions and take years
–– Oof Wiedersehen.

Seal lice can survive the pressure found 4000 meters under the sea
–– Seal’s the deal.

These cells were dormant for 100 million years, but they’re alive again
–– Talk about hangover!

Paradise lost: Eviction looms for hermit living alone on Italian island
–– Addio, Daddio.

Archaeologists discover the likely source of Stonehenge's giant sarsen stones
–– Ents carried from Mount Doom.

Has A “Royal-Trinity” Of King Ramesses II Been Discovered In Egypt
–– Rule of three?

Nile dam row: Egypt fumes as Ethiopia celebrates
–– Damn Nile row!

India's Government Insists Their Tiger Population Has Doubled. Wildlife Experts Aren’t So Sure.
–– Doubt they even know how to add.

Blue Light From Street Lamps Linked to Colorectal Cancer
–– Got to stop flashing street lamps at night.

Florida flight attendant attacks husband, smashes guitar after discovering tryst
–– Goes all Pete Townshend on him.

Republican senator deletes ad that made Jewish opponent’s nose bigger
–– Was a lot too on the nose.

Lake Titicaca's endangered 'scrotum frog' could be on its last legs. Scientists hope to change that
–– Titty. Caca. Scrotum. Hee-hee-hee.

Lack of Wild Bees Causes Crop Shortage, Could Lead to Food Security Issues
–– Current wimps just ain’t ‘spreadin’ the pollen.’

Washington state has trapped its first 'murder hornet'
–– Charged with zzzecond-degree murder.

One of America’s Oldest Gun Makers Files for Bankruptcy for 2nd Time
–– Repeating rifled.

‘Daredevil’ actor Peter Shinkoda says the former head of Marvel Television once told the show's writers 'nobody cares about Chinese people and Asian people'
–– Blind to it?

Vinnie Jones says he was 'mugged off' with his role in 'X-Men: The Last Stand'
–– Usually mugged on camera.

Imax Workers’ Early ‘Tenet’ Review: “Oh My God – I Forgot How Great It Was To Be In A Movie”, CEO Relays
–– ‘Any movie. Even this drivel.’

Iran bombards replica US aircraft carrier with missiles in 'reckless' exercise
–– And hopes to sell footage to Hollywood producers for next war film.

Iran Leader Says U.S. is Kneeling on the Neck of Weaker Nations
–– Other knee in groin of his.

US national shot dead in Pakistan courtroom during blasphemy trial
–– Goddamn!

There’s reportedly a 'contingent' of Democrats lobbying against Kamala Harris as Biden's running mate
–– Possibly perhaps sorta kinda reportedly.

Newspaper editorial board run by former Harris aide endorses Bass for VP
–– Thinks animatronic singing fish more qualified.

Joe Biden narrows down his VP list, with Karen Bass emerging as one of several key contenders
–– Narrowing, widening, jumbling list is what aides having him doing in basement.

Biden says he hasn’t been tested for coronavirus
–– ‘Unless the dust mites down here have it, I should be good.’

Devin Nunes declines to say whether he received foreign information meant to damage Biden
–– Or glowing reports that praise his and Hunter's complete innocence, honesty.

Trump Mocked For Saying Biden Aims To Reach Net-Zero Emissions For Buildings By '2:30'
–– But that’s his nap time.

Taylor Swift changes the label on her new Folklore album merchandise after being accused of 'stealing' the design from a black-owned fashion label
–– Which poses question: how many ways can three non-trademarked words be positioned on tiny clothing label?

Whoopi Goldberg thinks it's "ridiculous" to cut racist scenes from older movies
–– Yeah, but what does she know having lived in real world.

Tom Cotton describes slavery as a 'necessary evil' in bid to keep schools from teaching 1619 Project
–– He’s entirely unnecessary one.

Rick Singer, mastermind behind college admissions scandal, was working on his own degree – until last week
–– Cops gave him third one.

Woman speaks out after friend poisoned her by lacing her coffee with drugs
–– Non-dairy screamer.

Ashley Graham Shares Cute But Painful-Looking Photo of Son Breastfeeding
–– For him, needs hinged jaw to latch on to those.

What You Never Knew About Princess Diana’s Famous “Cleavage Bags”
–– Why they weren’t just called breasts.

Fergie lands judging job on new TV show where celebs dance with HORSES
–– No, not Camilla.

Duchess Camilla Is the First Royal Spotted in a Cloth Face Mask
–– Charles suggested it be ‘really, really thick.'

Nicola Sturgeon fifth-most eloquent leader in world, says experts
–– Speaks with Sturgical precision.

Bankrupt Pier 1 becomes a walking zombie
–– With island-appropriate set decoration.

Ford to use Boston Dynamics' dog-like robots to map their manufacturing facilities
–– Found piles of rusty bolts, oil stains everywhere.

The Anglerfish Deleted Its Immune System to Fuse With Its Mate
–– That is one horny fish.

Human sperm roll like 'playful otters' as they swim, study finds, contradicting centuries-old beliefs
–– That they moved like ‘glum eels.’

Rare blue lobster spotted at Red Lobster before being cooked finds home at Ohio zoo
–– Kitchen.

Reduced coral reef fish biodiversity under temperatures that mirror climate predictions
–– Reef counseling.

Lower sea iron levels due to climate change makes mussels lose rip
–– Let ‘er grip?

Scientists have created a facial recognition software for birds
–– But will legal eagles abuse it?

UK City Council Bans Meat at Its Events in Fight Against the Climate Crisis
–– Is there methane to their madness?

Pessimists Die Two Years Younger Than Optimists, According to Study
–– From this dark hopeless life –– at last.

Wasp Filmed Attacking Baby Bird and Eating Its Head
–– In outtake from The Fly.

Poacher who stabbed gorilla to death is jailed for 11 years
–– Gorilla’s last words: ‘Et tu, Felix Byamukama?’

Scientists have ruled out the worst-case climate scenario — and the best one too
–– Then ran out of darts.

As Siberia's Coldest Regions Burn, the 'Gateway to the Underworld' Grows
–– Mirrors one beneath White House.

Neanderthals May Have Been More Sensitive to Pain Than Most Humans
–– And how about constant ribbing?

New research puts the 'good guy with a gun' idea to rest: Loose concealed-carry laws are linked to more firearm homicides
–– Of self.

Elon Musk says he's terrified of AI taking over the world and most scared of Google's DeepMind AI project
–– It’s weed talking, but paranoia completely justified.

Seth Rogen opens up about his Jewish heritage: 'I was fed a huge amount of lies'
–– Not Kosher?

The White House is building a massive 'anti-climb' wall following protests. These photos show the evolution of White House fencing over the years
–– Obstacle totally 'pro-sneer.'

Reagan Foundation distances itself from Trump campaign and the president isn't pleased
–– Whines one for the Gipper.

Tampa teen faces 30 felony charges for hacking prominent Twitter accounts; 2 others charged
–– What’d the kid use, machete?

Rep. Matt Gaetz asks the DOJ to launch a criminal investigation into Mark Zuckerberg, accusing the Facebook CEO of lying to Congress
–– As opposed to Gaetz constantly lying in Congress.

A Texas man bought an old ambulance from a landscaping company for $4,500 and spent $10,000 converting it into his dream tiny home. Here's how he did it.
–– In case you, too, lose mind.

Barr calls Russia scandal 'bogus,' says he acts independent of Trump in blistering opening statement
–– To illustrate meaning of 'bogus.'

Trey Gowdy wonders where US would be if William Barr had been President Trump's first attorney general
–– With Crimea.

Mold from Chernobyl seems to feed on radiation, and new research suggests it could help protect astronauts in space
–– In remake of Mutiny in Outer Space.

The US Mint is literally begging for spare change
–– That was Uncle Sam on corner with top hat in hand?

Coronavirus Vaccine Could Be 90 Percent Effective, Warp Speed Head Claims
–– ‘Or 80 or 77 or 84 or 62 –– y’know, the future!’

Pence Has 'Great Confidence' U.S. Will Have Coronavirus Vaccine By Fall
–– Still 'pretty sure 'AIDS never happened.

Georgia News Anchor Becomes First Person to Receive COVID-19 Vaccine Shot in Phase 3 Trial
–– In news desk seat?

Taller people face higher risk of catching COVID-19, survey says
–– And shorter people lower one –– that's just nose height.

Hugh Jackman Says Lockdown Brought Him 'Closer' to Wife Deborra-Lee Furness
–– Usually prefers to be half a world away filming.

Concerns about Waning COVID-19 Immunity Are Likely Overblown
–– Takes wane check.

Musk Tweets 'Billy G Is Not My Lover' after Bill Gates' COVID-19 Criticism
–– Despite steamy sexts?

If you wear light colors, you may have this very annoying problem this summer
–– Some calling it C-19 butt.

Banana Republic’s New Face Coverings Have a Hidden Feature That Makes Them Extra Comfy
–– Sewn-in binky.

Brazil’s Bolsonaro says he has 'mold' in his lungs as his wife tests positive for Covid-19
–– And shit for brains.

Georgia governor withdraws emergency request to stop Atlanta mask mandate
–– Ungag order?

GOP State Rep. Warns Against Harassment of 'Unmasked Community'
–– aka ‘survival challenged.’

Trump’s New Favorite COVID Doctor Believes in Alien DNA, Demon Sperm, and Hydroxychloroquine
–– She's real vax job.

Los Angeles County Health Director Says Officials Made Mistakes On Coronavirus: “I’m The First One To Admit…How Wrong We Were”
–– That's better than shot of hydroxychloroquine!

For kitchen-less Hong Kongers, new ban on restaurant dining is a bitter pill
–– Feed a cold, starve a coronavirus.

Europe's last dictator got COVID-19 after telling people they could avoid it by drinking vodka and going to the sauna
–– He doesn't know he's even got it.

Emirates will pay for your medical treatment, hotel quarantine, and even your funeral if you catch COVID-19 while traveling
–– With burial at sea from plane.

DeSantis’ earlier bravado fuels Florida's pandemic crisis
–– Balls bluster.

Florida Man Receives $3.9 Million in COVID-19 Relief Funds, Buys a Lamborghini and Gets Arrested for Fraud
–– Who guessed ‘Arrested for Fraud’ after beginning ‘Florida Man Receives’?

'I hope it scares them a little bit': MLB personnel aim to tighten behavior after Marlins outbreak
–– Think they shit hardball.

Trump Says Florida COVID Cases Going Down as State Breaks Death Record
–– Down into ground.

North Korea’s Kim boasts of nuclear capability amid stalled talks with US
–– Brags about indoor plumbing expected in 2030.

North Korea may be 'reaching out to the world for help' after finally announcing a suspected coronavirus case
–– Middle finger can’t be long enough in response.

Government delayed lockdown over fears of ‘behavioural fatigue’ – but their own scientists don’t agree it exists
–– Certainly tired of excuses like this.

New Jersey governor condemns house party at a packed Airbnb with over 700 guests
–– They didn't invite him!

NJ gym owners arrested for staying open, defying state orders
–– Read the roid act.

'Contagion' Writer Says the World Needs a Film About Anti-Vax Doctor Amid Pandemic
–– American Hot Vax?

Minnesota Republican county official resigns after posting image comparing mask wearing to Nazi Germany
–– Oh, c'mon, like some idiot's gonna wear face covering with swastika?

Walmart bans couple seen in video wearing the Nazi swastika on their face coverings
–– Having Heil! old time.

Walmart won't enforce its own rules on mask-wearing because it fears staff could be attacked by shoppers angry at being challenged
–– Plague it safe.

Alan Parker, heralded director of 'Fame,' 'Bugsy Malone' and 'Mississippi Burning,' dies aged 76
–– No see Parker.

Regis Philbin, effervescent TV everyman, dies at 88
–– Rege’s end.

Remembering Notre Dame alum Regis Philbin
–– Irish wake.

John Saxon, ‘Nightmare on Elm Street’ and ‘Enter the Dragon’ Actor, Dies at 84
–– Saxon violence.

Olivia de Havilland, star of 'Gone With the Wind,' dies at 104
–– Gone with…um, uh, y’know.

Herman Cain has died after being hospitalized with Covid-19
–– Lowers Cain.