Headbangers
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Shame of Command
Week of 09/04/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

President Donald Trump salutes a West Point cadet with the L for Loser sign to his forehead as he thinks “Can you believe this schmuck?’Report: Trump disparaged U.S. war dead as 'losers,' 'suckers'
–– Dissing In Action.

‘Mic drop' for Kushner during his UAE arrival
–– Whines: ‘It was so heavy.’

Trump scrambles to recover from report that he called fallen troops ‘losers’
–– Image of Trump ‘scrambling’ has gotta make you smile.

Sources dispute claim Trump nixed visit to military cemetery over disdain for slain veterans, but back up parts of Atlantic report
–– Source losers.

Trump says some officers 'choke' in tough situations, comparing it to golfers missing putts
–– 'Like murderous inmates 'shank it' or sucker Marines end up in a 'sand trap.'

Kenosha shooting suspect Kyle Rittenhouse has become a potent symbol for the right, and experts say Trump's refusal to disavow him makes things worse
–– He's their Patrick Bateman Henry.

Homicide charges announced against Kyle Rittenhouse, accused of killing 2 at Kenosha protests
–– But media pretty mellow because they were white.

Trump says Kenosha trip could increase 'enthusiasm' amid concerns it will stir tensions
–– Among rubberneckers who love car wrecks.

Suspect in Portland shooting killed during attempted arrest
–– Tell us how we should feel about this.

I’ve Resisted Calling Trump a Fascist. Not Anymore.
–– If he had any idea what word meant, we would, too.

White House defends Trump's comments in which he told N.C. supporters to vote twice
–– Knows his voters are halfwits.

Trump Dismisses Rumors He Suffered 'Series of Mini-Strokes'
–– ‘I guarantee there’s nothing wrong with my size down there.’

Trump directs federal agencies to defund 4 Democratic cities, other 'anarchist jurisdictions'
–– Just for defund of it.

Cuomo Claims Trump ‘Better Have an Army’ if He Comes to NYC after White House Looks Into Cutting Funding to ‘Anarchist’ Cities
–– Um, uh, he kinda does.

Trump bizarrely claims people 'in the dark shadows' are secretly controlling Joe Biden
–– ‘People say there’s this creepy family in Maine with vampires, werewolves pulling the strings. I hear.’

Biden jokes that Kenosha audience would 'shoot me' if he didn't wrap up his remarks
–– ‘But in the front.’

Biden: Do I look like a radical socialist?
–– You don’t even look like radical pharmacist.

Biden: 'I am not banning fracking'
–– ‘In fact, I am backing franning!’

Jared Kushner's supermodel sister-in-law Karlie Kloss plans to campaign for Biden
–– Real Kloss act.

Chicago Apple Store looting, protest footage theft in the Apple Crime Blotter
–– Protesting they didn’t swipe more gear?

Portland mayor excoriates Trump: 'It's you who have created the hate'
–– ‘And us who returned favor.’

Donald Trump’s Sister Says He’s ‘Besotted’ With His Daughter Ivanka Trump In Leaked Audio
–– Drunk on junk in trunk.

Ivanka Trump describes dad when 'cameras have left'
–– ‘But he’s like always photographing me.’

52% of young adults in the US are living with their parents. That's the highest share since the Great Depression
–– Average weaning age up to 18.

‘Mom’ Shake-Up: Anna Faris Exits CBS Comedy
–– Faris mewler’s day off.

Kanye West's Campaign Is Filled to the Brim With GOP Operatives
–– And lithium.

Kanye West's strange presidential bid unravels thanks to a messy ballot access operation
–– Like knit straitjacket.

Kanye spends nearly $6 million on presidential campaign
–– Go worst, young man.

What the International Space Station teaches us about our future in space
–– You can teach utterly speculative non-history?

Crown Prince sacks top commander for 'suspicious financial dealings'
–– Which is Saudi state motto.

Mother, 43, reveals she's often mistaken for 19-year-old son's sister
–– How brave of her.

Trump Told Sarah Huckabee Sanders To Take One For The Team After Kim Jong Un Wink
–– She has that certain je ne sais wha?!

Body neutrality: What if you don't really love or hate your body?
–– You mean are sane?

Bill Clinton: Trump will be 'stacking sandbags' to stay in White House
–– Filled from Jared's sandbox.

Megalodon discovery: Scientists reveal giant shark's astonishing true scale
–– Salter Brecknell ElectroSamson Digital Hanging.

Could a Tree Help Find a Decaying Corpse Nearby?
–– With legs, arms, eyes, magnifying glass? Sure.

Scientists Rediscover Rare ‘Singing’ Dogs Thought to Have Gone Extinct
–– Who will not shut up with Baha Men hit.

Pauly Shore's hilarious new 'Guest House' role is a flashback to 'The Weasel': 'He still has a big heart'
–– Was all the coke.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar Says Rewatching Old Saved By the Bell Episodes Is 'a Little Bit Torturous'
–– Sentient life forms agree.

WATCH: Andy Murray takes an ice bath and discusses toenails and Tottenham Hotspur documentary
–– Or have own toenails removed with pliers.

Charlize Theron Wishes Keanu Reeves a Happy Birthday: ‘I Love This Handsome Human’
–– Suggesting he isn’t computer simulation, clone, whatever.

Samantha Bee rips Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop brand for pushing 'pseudoscience' that's 'dangerous'
–– Bee sting.

Mulan: Why Disney's latest reboot is facing boycott calls
–– Because it’s film released in 2020.

How Disney's Animated Mulan Helped Me Understand My Severe Hair Loss
–– By Dopey.

Climate change activists dumped manure outside News Corp
–– Or was it just regular bi-weekly delivery?

City pavement is a big source of air pollution
–– For drunks crawling home after bender.

World’s oceans soak up MORE carbon than previously thought
–– So if we could just manufacture more saltwater…

Portuguese children sue 33 countries over climate change at European court
–– In front of petit jury?

More Atmospheric Carbon Dioxide Is Making Poison Ivy ‘Itchier’
–– Claims calamine lotion industry.

Experience: I was married to an Islamic State leader
–– From Outer Space!

Beirut aftermath: The blast that was felt around the world
–– Suffered Beirutal fate.

U.S. unemployment rate fell to 8.4 percent in August
–– Kinda tripped.

Nancy’s Blowout Could Lead to a Blowout Election
–– By Newt Gingrich for whom blowout refers to brains.

Joanne Rogers, Mr. Rogers' Widow, Has Some Not-So-Neighborly Words For Trump
–– On Neighborhood witch.

White people have gentrified Black Lives Matter. It’s a problem
–– File under C for Can’t win.

Garbine Muguruza delivers epic racket smash in upset loss against comeback mom Tsvetana Pironkova
–– Becomes unstrung.

Louisiana governor saw the impact of Hurricane Laura. It's 'probably worse' than Hurricane Rita, he says.
–– If it’s not Katrina, you’re gonna have to give us some context.

China’s Military Has Surpassed US in Ships, Missiles and Air Defense, DoD Report Finds
–– US still holds edge in spiked iced tea.

Critics fear NYPD Asian hate crime task force could have unintended consequences
–– Unless hater’s white?

Baltimore postal facility sat on 68,000 pieces of election mail for 5 days before primary
–– None hatched.

Elvis Presley landmark Graceland in Tennessee hit with 'Defund the Police' graffiti
–– Don't step on my Blue shade news.

U.S. Attorney General Barr says antifa 'flying around' U.S. to incite violence
–– ‘On vampire wings, we’ve been told.’

Remains of sailor killed in Pearl Harbor returned home
–– In 2 oz. jar with tight lid.

The Godfather Part III’ New Edit, Complete With Different Ending, Coming to Theaters
–– And Sofia Coppola digitally replaced with foot stool.

Why Chadwick Boseman Kept His Cancer Battle A Secret, According To His Agent
–– To avoid vultures who write stories like these.

Jane Fonda compares Trump to ex-husband Ted Turner: 'There are certain things that I understand about this kind of man'
–– Jane's conviction.

“I don't recall": Pence tells Fox News he can't remember if he was on standby for Trump
–– Stephen Miller sapped him, barricaded self in Oval Office.

Endangered penguin loves to watch shows about penguins
–– Endangered because he never leaves couch.

Taco Bell is eliminating five more menu items
–– As you’re eliminating five you consumed 30 minutes ago.

Dubai seeks to attract wealthy foreign retirees as expats leave
–– Need doddering expatsies.

Thai King reinstates his royal consort after declaring her 'untainted'
–– His mind filthier than ever.

MacKenzie Scott has become the world's richest woman
–– Not bad after 26 years at Bed, Bezos & Beyond.

Chris D’Elia Accused of Exposing Himself to Multiple Women
–– Seeking titters.

John Boyega calls Disney out for marketing a Black character, only to ultimately push them aside
–– Slipped a Finn?

University of California System can't use SAT and ACT tests for admissions, judge rules
–– Because college students not satisfactorily unprepared.

White professor says she has been pretending to be Black for her entire professional career
–– Opposite of white-wishing.

Ben & Jerry's is launching a podcast about white supremacy in America
–– Chocolate, vanilla swirl.

Melania Trump thinks someone sabotaged her 2016 RNC appearance by giving her a speech to read that was plagiarized from Michelle Obama, book claims
–– ‘There vas dark-haired Slovenian beauty look very serious staring me right in face who hands speech and says ‘You vill read!’ and turns away when I do. She look familiar.’

Two huge snakes fall through kitchen ceiling in Australia
–– Were dancing to WAP in upper bedroom.

Trump's press secretary refuses to blame Russia for the nerve-agent attack on Putin's top opponent
–– Says ‘It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds.’

An army dog who charged through a hail of machine-gun fire and tackled an Al-Qaeda fighter is to receive the animal equivalent of a Medal of Honor
–– And a contract from Cults.

Dragon chicken’s ‘unusual and rare’ features make it among the most expensive meat in the world
–– And only fowl that can roast self.

‘Who cares if he tried to kill me?’: the volatile life and times of Burt Lancaster
–– The Burt man of all 'at trash.

Porn star Ron Jeremy charged with 20 more counts of sexual abuse in L.A. County
–– Trial to be streamed on Pornhub.

Loretta Lynn and Kid Rock got 'married' over the weekend: 'Sorry girls, he's taken now'
–– ‘And freakin’ crazy, so’s ah’m sparin’ y’all.’

Jim Gaffigan says he received threats after 'Twitter rant' about Trump and his supporters
–– Will we ever laugh again?

Ant-Man 3 director reveals Paul Rudd and Evangeline Lilly will be equals
–– Thought she’d be barefoot, pregnant in Wasp’s nest.

‘The New Mutants' director criticises 'Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker’s' queer representation
–– His own film for character, scene, action representation.

Alyssa Milano criticizes Ivanka Trump on social media: 'I’m sad to see what she has evolved into'
–– Isn’t that ‘devolved?’

Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez Withdraw Their Bid to Buy New York Mets: 'So Disappointed'
–– Yes, you would have been.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez may have a lot to do with Joe Kennedy's primary struggles
–– And we needed excuse to get her name in headline.

McDonald’s customer shares 'scary' video of 24-year-old burger: 'Never eating fast food again'
–– Naughty patty spilling 'special sauce.'

Trump Called Kimberly Guilfoyle After Her Roaring RNC Speech, Compared Her to Eva Perón
–– 'And her boob job is way better than Madonna's.'

Trump called his niece who wrote critical book 'unstable,' saying she was 'rightfully shunned, scorned, and mocked' her whole life
–– 'Like every other human I've ever known.'

New book says Trump offered FBI director job to John Kelly, but demanded his loyalty
–– And take other nut in mouth.

Derek Chauvin, former officer accused in George Floyd's death, wants murder charges dismissed
–– Prosecutors: ‘Chauvin up your ass.’

Emma Roberts Announces She's Expecting Her First Baby With Garrett Hedlund and Reveals Gender
–– Um, Hedlund’s cis male?

AT&T Ad Actress Milana Vayntrub Pleas For Online Harassers To Cease & Desist
–– If they have AT&T it's wonder they have stable connection to troll.

Toni Braxton says she regrets 'not having more sex' when she was younger: 'My religious upbringing stopped me doing a lot of things that I should have done'
–– Should've dropped preaches.

Adele Faces Backlash for Wearing Jamaican Flag Bikini, Bantu Knots in Tribute to Canceled Carnival
–– Tough cornrow to hoe.

Sylvester Stallone Says Director's Cut of 'Rocky IV' Coming for Film's Anniversary
–– To which trainer Mickey will apply adrenaline chloride, ice.

This map lets you see where your hometown was on the Earth millions of years ago
–– Still more accurate than Apple Maps.

Lady Gaga's masks were the real winner of the MTV VMAs
–– If only they'd stayed on.

For Refusing a Drink With the Boss, He Was Slapped in the Face
–– And reminded he could have had V8.

Alexei Navalny, opponent of Putin, improving after suspected poisoning, hospital says
–– 'Alexei, play Talk Dirty To Me.'

Putin passes on 'warm wishes' to embattled Lukashenko, as tanks are seen in Minsk amid protests
–– 'May your victory feel like Novochik rushing through bloodstream.'

New York Times: Justice Department secretly curtailed investigation into Trump's Russia ties
–– Especially really long red ones reaching past crotch.

Columbia University will remove slave owner's name from dormitory
–– Christopher Columbus would be proud.

Border Patrol seized over $1 million worth of cocaine after it washed up on a Florida beach
–– Snow White tanning self.

Chrissy Teigen says her tongue is suffering from eating sour candy while pregnant
–– Tarted up.

The bizarre story of a man who tried to murder a 600-year-old tree
–– And how it escaped on root.

An Ohio man built a backyard squirrel bar with seven varieties of nuts on tap
–– Including own.

Matt Bomer, Lizzo Among Stars Launching Sunglass Collections
–– You’ll want to throw shades.

Bernie Sanders promised to go all in for Biden. Here's what that looks like
–– Grumpiest Old Men.

A university is offering scholarships for you to do absolutely nothing
–– Just keep all their laid-off workers company.

Rembrandt painting dismissed as fake goes on display after it emerges it was made from same tree as other works
–– Experts barked up wrong one?

Denzel Washington, who once paid Chadwick Boseman's tuition, pays tribute
–– Didn’t cost him anything.

LeBron James Laments Devastating Impact of Losing Chadwick Boseman
–– Wakanda will never be same.

’Black Panther' Director Ryan Coogler Pens Emotional, Beautiful Tribute to Chadwick Boseman
–– It’s beautiful –– trust us, you’re not qualified to judge for selves.

Twitter’s most liked tweet of all time now belongs to Chadwick Boseman
–– Gee, now there’s something to put on tombstone.

‘Batman’ filming halted after Pattinson gets Covid-19
–– Or he caught bird flu from Penguin.

The hospitals where Covid-19 sufferers wait for others to die before they can be put on a respirator
–– In Syria, but got you to look.

Ghislaine Maxwell reportedly allowed in person legal visit despite coronavirus lockdown
–– Procuress and procuriouser.

South Dakota dismisses 'elite class of so-called experts,' carries on with state fair after Sturgis rally fueled COVID-19 surge
–– Annual thinning of herd.

A drop in travel helps the planet. But there's a catch
–– Broke people live there.

Republican Sen. Joni Ernst promoted a far-right conspiracy theory that falsely claims coronavirus cases are inflated by healthcare providers
–– Sad they can’t inflate sufferers' lungs.

Past vaccine disasters show why rushing a coronavirus vaccine now would be 'colossally stupid'
–– Or ‘likely course for Trump Administration.’

What would it actually take to have a COVID-19 vaccine by October?
–– Can you close your eyes and wish really, really hard?

Huge empty 'ghost' cruise ships lure tourists
–– Get a selfie with Flying Dutchman for one doubloon!

Pandemic adviser with no epidemiology background reportedly pushes White House to adopt herd immunity strategy
–– Baa Baa humbug.

‘Zombie’ Herman Cain Tweets That Coronavirus 'Not As Deadly' As Media Said
–– And ‘are you finished with those brains?’

These Scientists Are Still Studying The World’s Most Controversial Drug, But They Can’t Find Enough People To Take It
–– Haven’t been to Trump rallies?

Birx is hopeful for a vaccine, but convinced community spread can be stopped right now
–– Has been huffing hydroxychloroquine.

Elites are flouting coronavirus restrictions -- and that could hurt us all
–– Yeah, rich infecting rich really takes toll on poor.

More than 1,200 students have tested positive for Covid-19 at the University of Alabama
–– Math Department trying to determine if that’s < or > than 1100.

DJ Erick Morillo known for 'I Like To Move It' dead at 49
–– Ironically, coroner’s theme song.