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Joe Stylin'
Week of 09/20/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Joe Biden in spoof Soviet-era poster for Joseph Stalin entitled Uncle Joe Biden.Trump Repeatedly Pressed Ukraine President to Investigate Biden’s Son
–– To turn Biden Hunter.

When Is Impeachment Not Impeachment?
–– Now.

Behind the Whistle-Blower Case, a Long-Held Trump Grudge Toward Ukraine
–– Mad grudge report.

What Did Donald Trump Promise the President of Ukraine?
–– Win one round against him on Turnberry golf course.

Missing piece to the Ukraine puzzle: State Department's overture to Rudy Giuliani
–– Played with all strings attached.

’Of course I did’: Giuliani acknowledges asking Ukraine to investigate Biden
–– ‘I’m a duplicitous traitor. Duh!

Ukraine’s Zelenskiy Can’t Afford to Fail His Oligarch Test
–– Putin’s proctoring.

Hitler’s wife's knickers sell at auction for almost $5,000
–– Displaying Braun not brains.

Rare footage of Russian warning shots fired at sea
–– And Poseidon wielding trident in wrath.

Hurricane Jerry has strengthened to a Category 2 storm and is heading north of the Leeward Islands
–– Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

‘Shallow’ hit-maker Mark Ronson puts brains before looks as he comes out as sapiosexual
–– Sap would be his type.

Donald Trump's Ghostwriter Reckons He's The "Most Purely Evil Human Being" He's Met
–– And he co-wrote Beelzebub, the Early Years.

Trudeau says he doesn't know if there will be more blackface photos of him because he didn't remember doing it before the photos came out
–– Blacked out?

Justin Trudeau isn't the only one. Here's a list of politicians who got in trouble over blackface
–– Beyond the pale.

AOC on DC statehood: 'Disenfranchisement' of DC rooted in the 'history of slavery'
–– AOC/DC charging.

The Diehard Enthusiasts at the Area 51 Raid Event Came Prepared With the Most Out of This World Signs
–– A real Saucers Party.

Berlin Unveils Climate Package as Hundreds of Thousands Take to the Streets
–– Strict future restrictions on oven emissions.

How 16-year-old Greta Thunberg became the face of climate-change activism
–– Utter gormlessness of world leaders.

No future, no children: Teens refusing to have kids until there's action on climate change
–– Global Warming = Safe Birth Control!

Psychologists Warn Parents Against Causing 'Eco-Anxiety' in Children
–– But teach them how to hold breath, swim for lives.

Not Everybody Believes In Shamila, But According To This Expert, Maybe You Should??
–– ????

Cher killed it on 'America's Got Talent'
–– Last shred of dignity?

Kelly Lynch Reveals How Almost Losing Her Legs Makes Her Live Each Day Like It Is a 'Gift'
–– 40 years ago: now that's a publicist!

"She Never Stopped Hoping." Renée Zellweger on Judy Garland, and What the Future Holds for Women
–– Oh, oh, can we ask her meaning of life?

Shia LaBeouf Says He Wrestled with Tom Hardy While Naked: It Was a 'Weird Cutey Wrestling Match'
–– Ooo, in the LaBeouf!

Buy This Original Oil Painting of Channing Tatum's Ballsack for the Low Price of $230
–– $115 each? Not bad.

Dreaming May Help the Brain Forget Excess Memories, a Study of Mice Shows
–– This one not worth 1/100th wink.

Researchers find way to kill pathogen resistant to antibiotics
–– Bore them to death.

Why Are Animals in Natural History Museums Overwhelmingly Male?
–– Get stuffed!

New Mexico governor announces free college tuition plan for residents
–– One Major: Oceanography.

Dennis Hopper’s Dying Wish: His Own Strain of Marijuana
–– Dizzy Rider.

Two Amish men escape police after being pulled over for drinking and driving their horse and buggy
–– In donkey-drawn Radio Flyer wagon.

Navy SEAL who oversaw the bin Laden raid says China's massive military buildup is
a 'holy s---' moment

–– Holy Xi-it?

Kroger will start selling longer-lasting avocados this week
–– Which went bad as you read headline.

Larry King's estranged wife, Shawn, says she was 'blindsided' by divorce
–– ‘Dumping wives is so out of character.’

2020 Vision Thursday: Why Kamala Harris is struggling in the polls
–– Kamala Harris?

’Mamala Kamala' Harris Becomes First Woman To 'Slow Jam The News' On 'Tonight Show'
–– Well, she’ll have that for history books.

’Silicon Valley' star Thomas Middleditch says swinging 'saved' his marriage: 'It’s part of me'
–– Swinger name: Diddblemuch.

Natalie Portman's new movie is missing some important adult nappies. Allow us to explain
–– Bored audience will be taking those.

Trump taps hostage negotiator Robert O'Brien as national security adviser to replace John Bolton
–– At request of entire WH staff.

Trump says of Hispanic supporter Steve Cortes: 'He looks more like a WASP than I do'
–– ‘But my insect brain’s bigger.’

Could Trump Again Lose The Popular Vote And Win In 2020? In A Close Race, Yes.
–– Could thing that just happened happen again? Hmmm.

Morgan Spurlock Had No Idea His #MeToo Confession Would ‘Decimate’ His Company and Work
–– #MeNotTooBright.

New York Times reporters respond to clarification and controversy on new Kavanaugh accusation
–– Blame beer bong in editorial offices.

Ingraham Trolls Hannity On Live TV: ‘Is That The White House Speaking, Or You?’
–– It was WH if he was facing away, bent at waist, pants down.

Laura Ingraham: Hollywood ‘Pushing the Skinny Jeans, Crop Top, Pajama Boy Version of Masculinity’
–– Even blind squirrel finds nuts.

Zach Galifianakis Apologizes For Calling Bradley Cooper a ‘Hot Idiot’ in ‘Between Two Ferns’ Movie
–– Sure, ’hot’ is subjective.

How 3 guys and 3 dogs caught this 411-pound feral hog that infiltrated a San Antonio golf course
–– It's a ripsnorter.

Massage Therapist Who Accused Kevin Spacey of Groping Dies
–– No happy ending.

Scaramucci: Trump is giving a license to lie to people
–– He was issued his 000 personally.

Bill Belichick used Matt Patricia's idea to combat historic Miami heat
–– Why in heck were they playing NBA team?

Mickey Rourke claims Robert De Niro feud stopped him landing a role in 'The Irishman'
–– Scorsese: 'Not true. We'd already cast side of beef in meat locker.'

National Cheeseburger Day 2019: Where to get free cheeseburgers and deals Wednesday
–– aka Saint Patties Day.

Plus-size singer Lizzo wants people to stop calling her 'brave' for posing nude
–– How about people who look at pix?

Sean Spicer’s ‘Dancing With the Stars’ Debut Draws Stunned Reactions: ‘I Can’t Believe This’
–– Mild salsa, extra junky.

Sean Spicer deletes tweet asking for Jesus’ help in battle vs. ‘Dancing with the Stars’ judges
–– Jesus: 'C'mon, Twinkletoes was right, you looked like you were being attacked by a swarm of wasps.'

Explosion and fire break out at Russian lab known for housing deadly smallpox virus
–– Goes viral.

Bees swarm airplane -- and have to be removed with water cannons
–– After yellowjackets dipped in pollen couldn’t lure them off.

Long Before ‘Netflix and Chill,’ He Was the Netflix C.E.O.
–– When it was ‘Netflix and Mail Back DVD, Pray PO Doesn’t Lose It.’

G.M. Strike: 50,000 Union Workers Walk Out Over Wages and Idled Plants
–– Who'll LaCrosse picket line?

2020 hopeful Amy Klobuchar visits GM strikers
–– They'll all be looking for new jobs soon.

I’ve Been Waiting for a Song Like ‘Glory to Hong Kong’ My Whole Life
–– We’ll wait for instrumental cover.

Rare polka-dotted zebra foal photographed in Kenya
–– Where it's always spotted.

86 tigers rescued from Tiger Temple died in government custody
–– Um, uh, ‘rescued?’

'ISIS supporter had weapons hoard including ninja eggs'
–– Not from Mutant Turtles!

Sacha Baron Cohen asks federal judge to dismiss Roy Moore's defamation lawsuit
–– Under rage assault.

Letter to FBI flagged information on Kavanaugh alleged misconduct before confirmation
–– Evidence was like ‘male member flapping in your face.’

Hailee Steinfeld Announces New Single Tied to Apple TV Plus’ ‘Dickinson’
–– Emily shyly harrumphing in grave.

‘Long May They Run’ Podcast Explores Phish History for Debut Season
–– Each episode 5+ hours.

Ric Ocasek, The Cars Frontman, Dies at 75
–– Stalls out.

Cars Frontman Ric Ocasek's Ex-Wife Describes Finding Him Unresponsive
–– Which is why she left him.

Box Office: ‘Real-Life Inspiration for Jennifer Lopez's Hustlers Role 'Wasn't That Impressed' With the Movie
–– What knockers!

‘Hustlers’ Racks Up Solid $33 Million Debut, ‘Goldfinch’ Bombs
–– Racks that were up looked little too solid.

The Goldfinch posted one of the worst box office openings of 2019
–– Cheap cheap.

'The Goldfinch' Bomb May Lose Up to $50M for Warner Bros., Amazon Studios
–– After taking out several galleries at Met.

Box Office: Why ‘Hustlers’ Soared While ‘The Goldfinch’ Flopped
–– Ansel Elgort wouldn’t show ass.

Warner Bros. Reacts to ‘The Goldfinch’ Box Office Bomb and Blames the Marketplace
–– Oh, did it ghost write screenplay?

In Defense of 'Joker' and Its Repulsive Violence
–– It’s for revolting masses.

'Rambo: Last Blood' Ending: Is There a Post-Credits Scene and Is the Franchise Really Dead?
–– Bad to the last drop.

In show of bond, Trump to join Modi in mass Houston rally
-– Bond, jerks’ bond.

Pregnant woman called 'insensitive' for planning to call daughter 'Lilia' when her best friend's girl is 'Lilian'
–– Why we need more female journalists.

The Week in Washington: “Absolute Fealty at All Times!”
–– Why females in WH keep beyond arms-length.

Mum with extreme 'food phobia' has lived off a diet of cheese sandwiches for 30 years
–– Bowels last moved in 2005.

‘He had lovely parents, I don’t know what went wrong with him’: Trump’s distant Scottish cousin blasts president as selfish man who stole pancakes
–– Not much of a flap, Jack.

Steven Mnuchin’s Mysterious Link to Creepy Epstein Model Scout
–– We already know spiritual one.

“Big, Hairy Men”: Housing Secretary Ben Carson Can’t Stop Insulting Trans People
–– Or fantasizing aloud?

Republicans slam Ilhan Omar's comments about 9/11 following 'Face the Nation' interview
–– Faze the nation.

Ilhan Omar says Trump administration ‘cannot be trusted’ when it comes to Iran
–– Should join her in Circle of Distrust.

Please enjoy Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley dancing to Lizzo's 'Truth Hurts'
–– You’re going to have to ask way nicer than that.

Polls Shows de Blasio at Zero Percent in His City and State
–– Campaign about to go negative.

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio drops 2020 bid
–– Oh, we thought we heard feather hit ground.

Elizabeth Warren has just one plan
–– With thousands of subheadings.

Tulsi Gabbard Doubles Down: Trump Is Not U.S. Military’s Pimp
–– Whore we to say?

Jimmy Carter says he hopes 'there's an age limit' for presidency in apparent jab at Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders
–– How about spring chicken Warren at 70?

Beto O’Rourke On Biden’s Age And Fitness: ‘Who The Hell Cares?’
–– Yeah, f**k fitness!

Twitter Erupts Over Challenge To Joe Biden Story That He Faced Down Armed Gang Leader
–– In 1962. No, really.

Kellyanne Conway Blasts Background Check Supporters to Deflect From Trump’s About Face
–– Of course you’d want to deflect anything about his face.

'It didn’t work, I’m sorry': David Cameron phoned European leaders and Barack Obama to apologise for Brexit
–– Mea Cuppa.

David Cameron Slams 'Liar' Boris Johnson For Backing Brexit To Boost Career
–– From 'twit' who gave him opportunity.

Boris Johnson’s Brexit Plan Goes to Court After EU Talks End in Chaos
–– After beginning in utter confusion.

Poland's ruling party pledges to double minimum wage and end country's 'post-colonial' reputation as a source of 'cheap labour'
–– And buy-back program for hurtful Polish jokes.

Your Breasts Will Thank You For These Runway Looks
–– Experiencing tit elation.

Loose Women's Nadia Sawalha shares "liberating" naked pictures
–– Her breasts thanked her.

Missouri woman in legal battle to keep three emotional support monkeys
–– Even one who hears some evil.

Leslie Jones bids 'Saturday Night Live' farewell
–– Our funny bones thank you.

Here’s Even More Audio of Shane Gillis From ‘Saturday Night Live’ Gleefully Saying Slurs
–– Dopey Gillis.

Shane Gillis Out at 'Saturday Night Live' Following Racial, Homophobic Slurs in Podcast
–– Automatically making him funniest cast member.

Andrew Yang responds to backlash over forgiving new 'SNL' member Shane Gillis for racial slur
–– Charged with malice ignore thought.

At Philadelphia rally, Andrew Yang casts himself as underdog
–– Thought 3% poll numbers did that.

Yang predicts Trump's nickname for him
–– We predict he won’t even bother.

Holder cautions against potentially prosecuting Trump post presidency
–– Suggests Congress issue him Get Out of Jail Free card in perpetuity.

Michigan Police Officer Is Terminated After K.K.K. Application Was Found in His Home
–– Framed, on wall, next to Asshole of Year Citation from John Birch Society.

Drone strikes knock out half of Saudi oil capacity, 5 million barrels a day
–– OPEC fail.

Saudis Say Oil Facilities Were Hit With Iranian Weapons
–– Would say that if missile had Slim Pickens riding it.

Trump: US 'locked and loaded depending on verification' of attack on Saudi oil field
–– Referring to his bedroom door and shorts.

Donald Trump says Iran appears responsible for Saudi attack, but he doesn't want war
–– Unless he can get Iranians to pay for it.

Trump must consider attack on Iran after drone strikes on Saudi Arabia, Lindsey Graham urges
–– As he straps on plastic sword, toy gladiator helmet.

Why Trump had a wad of cash in his back pocket
–– It’s Lindsay Graham’s buss fare.

Ex-Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski Had 'Like, 20' Concussions, Remembers 5 Blackouts
–– Just call him Clonk.

This is the California prison where Felicity Huffman wants to spend her 14-day sentence
–– Can she bribe way in?

Blink and you'll miss this 6,599 mph hypersonic sled
–– And eight tiny reindeer.

Ghost crabs 'growl' from their stomachs, scientists find
–– When they’ve eaten soul.

How Trump may bulldoze 'America's Amazon'
–– After he runs over Jeff Bezos with tractor.

NASCAR shocks gun industry as it appears to block some firearm ads
–– Will move backfire?

Couple sues fertility clinic after sperm mix-up
–– Hoping to cum into money.

New York attorney general exposes $1 billion in wire transfers by Sackler family
–– Sackler shit.

Solid gold toilet stolen from Blenheim Palace, birthplace of Winston Churchill
–– By loo-ters.

Felicity Huffman is a role model for how to own up to your crimes
–– Deserves Slammy award.

Trump confirms Osama bin Laden's son Hamza killed in US counterterrorism operation
–– Came to some Hamza.