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Oyez! Oy Vey!
Week of 07/26/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Russians are still meddling in US elections, Mueller said. Is anybody listening?
–– Russians.

Why Iran Wants to Get Bombed
–– Hasn’t had drink since 1979.

GOP senator blocks election security legislation hours after Mueller warns of Russian interference
–– Fate lays irony on a little heavy.

DOJ tells Robert Mueller 'any testimony must remain in the boundaries of your public report'
–– No subtitles?!

Mueller, drop the Yoda act
–– Not guilty we had had no confidence we found him.

Mueller report shows evidence Trump committed crimes, House Judiciary chairman says
–– Yeah, if you, like, read it.

Ted Lieu Uses Ham Sandwich Analogy to Explain How Trump Obstructed Justice
–– Any analogy involving pig works.

Pelosi: I'm not slow-walking impeachment inquiry. Nadler: It's 'in effect' anyway
–– Crawling isn’t technically walking.

Trump stands in front of fake U.S. presidential seal that resembles Russian coat of arms
–– In pose that in no way resembles U.S. Presdient.

Trump Vetoes Bills Intended To Block Arms Sales To Saudi Arabia
–– Had them chopped into little pieces.

Trump says he does not blame Turkey for buying Russian air defense system
–– As long as he gets finder's fee.

Trump says low-polling 2020 Dems aren't 'gaining traction'
–– Tired cliché.

A “city-killing” asteroid just zipped by Earth. Why didn’t we see it coming?
–– Everyone staring at Trump?

Consumer Reports finds potentially deadly bacteria in pre-washed greens
–– But less dirt, worms.

New GDP data confirms Trump’s tax cuts aren’t working
–– Filthy-rich scumbag: 'Oh, I don't know.'

‘Aladdin’ Crosses $1B Mark at the Global Box Office
–– Every other film that grossed $1B: 'Don't look at me. I'm hideous!'

Quentin Tarantino debates whether directing a Star Trek movie would really be his last
–– Quit now wins.

Sharon Tate's sister wept at Margot Robbie's Once Upon a Time in Hollywood portrayal
–– She wasn’t that bad an actress.

Johnny Depp claims Amber Heard put out a cigarette on his face early in their marriage
–– Claimed ashes were for Jack Sparrow eye makeup.

Original Michael Myers actor returning for Halloween Kills
–– Making it easier for 60-year-old Jamie Lee Curtis to get away from him

Giuliani on Mueller aftermath: 'Democrats are now making total clowns out of themselves'
–– Said man with Bozo-red hair, Pennywise grin.

President, first lady make unannounced visit to D.C. hotel
–– To steal tips left for maids.

North Carolina Woman Who Called Black Restaurant Customers a Racist Slur Says She Would Do It Again
–– N-word-looking.

College Student Discovers 65-Million-Year-Old Triceratops Skull
–– Wearing mortarboard.

Bernie Sanders' campaign releases ad slamming MSNBC analyst for saying he makes her 'skin crawl'
–– New poster reads Vote for Uncle Creepy.

Guatemala agrees to new migration measures to avoid Trump sanctions threat
–– Trump: 'And they promised no nuclear tests!'

“I’m not a climate change guy, but...": Farmers reckon with new reality in the heartland
–– “M’skin’s blisterin’ ’n’ m’hair’s on fire.”

How Jeffrey Epstein Used the Billionaire Behind Victoria’s Secret for Wealth and Women
–– Lent boob support.

Supreme Court Lets Trump Border Wall Move Forward, But Legal Fight Still Looms
–– Blockheads Gorsuch, Kavanaugh decisive.

Juul went into a ninth-grade classroom and called its device 'totally safe,' teens testify
–– What were they smoking?

Barr directs federal government to reinstate death penalty, schedule the execution of 5 death row inmates
–– How about just for white collar crimes?

Amanda Knox is attempting to crowdfund her wedding
–– Here’s $10 to just go away.

GOP challenger Bill Weld: Trump is a "raging racist"
–– And “six-shootin’ sexist.”

Rep. Tlaib Compares BDS Movement Against Israel To U.S. Boycotting Nazi Germany
–– Hits new PLO?

Biden says he's not relying on Obama as 'crutch' in 2020 bid
–– Shows rubber one he bought for campaign.

An American Airlines flight attendant had to get five stitches after an emotional-support animal bit him
–– Gave owner who hated attendant real boost.

North Korea Launches Two Short-Range ‘Projectiles,’ South Korea Says
–– One from Kim Jong-un’s mouth.

Netflix Sheds $24 Billion in Value in Six Days After Growth Miss
–– Growth Miss in July.

Rutger Hauer, ‘Blade Runner’ Co-Star, Dies at 75
–– Went Dutch.

“Birdscaping” Is the New Garden Trend You Need to Check Out ASAP
–– Need tiny scissors for ‘down there’.

Brad Pitt Thinks He'll One Day 'Organically' Be Done with Acting: 'I Enjoy Doing Other Things'
–– Plants idea in natural fertilizer.

Trump falsely claims ‘I can do whatever I want’ because of Article 2, as he says people in the UK love him
–– ‘It’s like my own private 007.’

Boris Johnson wins contest to be United Kingdom’s new prime minister
–– Trump sends congrats to 'my second favorite Boris.'

Donald Trump and Boris Johnson Rode the Same Wave Into Power. History Suggests the Parallels Won’t Stop There
–– On same boogeyman board.

Boris Johnson 'absolutely' rules out election before Brexit is delivered
–– Needs time to destroy what's left of Blighty.

Nigel Farage launches 'counterblast' to George Soros with US Brexit group
–– Fartage.

Epstein said to have used Deutsche to move money through 'dozens' of accounts
–– And never let bonds reach maturity.

Bryce Dallas Howard Says Dad Ron Howard Was 'Shook' After Mistaking Jessica Chastain for Her (Exclusive)
–– By her?

Australian man caught with $140 million of meth after crashing into parked police car
–– He was on foot.

Louisiana Police Officer on Facebook Says Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez ‘Needs a Round’
–– Doesn’t mean brewskis?

GOP group removes post calling congresswomen "Jihad Squad"
–– And reference to “Chadi’s Angels.”

Lincoln Would Not Recognize His Own Party
–– Whereas Wilson could’ve joined Squad.

Krispy Kreme is redesigning its stores for the first time in a decade and making its menu even more sugary
–– Like glazed chocolate with sprinkles filled with custard, insulin.

Art Neville, New Orleans funk musician, dead at 81
–– Meter expired.

Remains found behind a grocery store cooler are identified as those of an employee missing for 10 years
–– So wasn’t Ben and Jerry’s Rocky Road Kill we smelled.

Team Trump rakes in $200,000 in one weekend through the sale of plastic straws — buy a pack to ‘own the libs’
–– Or sucks up?

Report: Pence canceled trip to avoid contact with an alleged drug dealer
–– Treating like woman.

‘The Chi’ Actress Sonja Sohn Arrested on Cocaine Possession Charge
–– Is it Throwback Thursday?

Viewers are demanding a third season of 'Big Little Lies'
–– Now it’s completely milked dry.

Bears safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix to begin training camp on physically unable to perform list
–– No laughing matter.

Democratic candidates criticize the labor model of Uber and Lyft–and keep using them
–– Let it ride.

Booker Says He Could Confront Biden on Race at Detroit Debate
–– Doesn’t want any Democrat to win in 2020.

Courteney Cox flies out of swimming pool in age-defying bikini video
–– Fans not impressed by wings?

’Let me guess, you want to nuke them all': Trump constantly baiting John Bolton in front of officials, report says
–– Worm baiting carp.

Zillow-Loving Chinese Billionaire Buys $75 Million Bel Air Megamansion
–– Flush Prince.

Tencent-backed 'Top Gun' cuts Taiwan flag from Tom Cruise's jacket
–– Displaying Taipei personality.

Robert Morgenthau, Longtime Manhattan District Attorney, Dies at 99
–– Laid down law.

Tlaib: 'I'm not going nowhere, not until I impeach' Trump
–– So she is going nowhere.

N. Korea leader votes in elections with 99.98% turnout: KCNA
–– Kim wins with 150%.

Bear bites employee at Pennsylvania resort
–– For not leaving chocolate on pillow.

Trump Offers to "Personally Vouch" for Rapper A$AP Rocky's Bail
–– Instantly trashing street cred.

Paul Krassner, Satirist, Yippies Co-Founder and Counter-Culture Figure, Dies at 87
–– Yippie die yay.

Drug bosses joked about US opioid crisis that led to lives being needlessly lost, leaked emails show
–– ODious.

Puerto Rico cheers Gov. Ricardo Rosselló's ouster — but they aren't stopping there
–– Really have nothing else to do.

2 years after hurricanes, Trump administration has OK'd only 9 projects for funding in Puerto Rico
–– And 5 involve delivery of paper towels.

Polish police detain 25 after attacks on equality march
–– So Duda can congratulate?

Buzz Aldrin Tells Trump NASA Program Is 'Great Disappointment'
–– Not over the moon.

‘Game Of Thrones’ actor blames the media for the poor response to its final season
–– And those who watched it.

Natalie Portman set to play female Thor in Marvel's Thor: Love and Thunder
–– Thorbelina?

How Marvel's Female Thor Can Finally Do Natalie Portman Justice
–– Wasn’t she supposed to do her part justice?

‘Avengers: Endgame’ to Top ‘Avatar’ on Sunday as Highest Grossing Film of All Time
–– Na'vi 'blue.'

Inside Baseball Hall of Famer Mariano Rivera’s Far-Right Politics
–– He wasn't lefty.

Fox News host presses WH adviser Stephen Miller on 'send her back' chant at Trump rally
–– Hits racist button in buttock.

Iraqi refugee Nadia Murad to Trump: ISIS killed family. Trump responds: 'Where are they now?'
–– Showing deep curiosity in Yazidi view of afterlife.

Cardi B Responds to Accusations She's a Rapist: 'I Never F*ckin' Hurt Nobody'
–– Novel defense.

Cat filter accidentally gets activated during press conference for double murder
–– A cute embarrassment.

School Board Votes to Paint Over George Washington Mural In San Francisco
–– Stalin grads?

Thousands of bones discovered in Vatican crypt in search for missing teenager
–– So that’s what they kept there.

Megan Rapinoe calls Trump's racist tweets 'disgusting'
–– Soccer to me!

Pennsylvania school district tells parents to pay their lunch debt, or their kids will go into foster care
–– Just desserts?

Ex-TV anchor reveals turning point from sex and drug addiction
–– Coke-fucking syphilitic whore for more blow?

Cory Booker: Donald Trump is 'worse than a racist'
–– In 2019, what could be?

Ilhan Omar at town hall: Trump 'is threatened because we are inspiring people to dream'
–– ‘Of Israel driven in sea.’

Veteran Indian politician Sheila Dikshit dies aged 81
–– Oh, to hear Trump eulogy.


Go Back, Honky Cat
Week of 07/19/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump distances himself from the 'Send her back!' chants he inspired
–– Leans 6 inches further right.

Trump: I don't have a racist bone in my body
–– But fat 100% bigoted.

'You're better than that:' Geraldo Rivera hits back at Trump for telling progressive freshman congresswomen to 'go back' to 'broken and crime infested' countries
–– ‘I mean, where are the demeaning nicknames?’

Theresa May slams Trump's 'completely unacceptable' tweets telling congresswomen to 'go back' to 'broken and crime infested' countries
–– Knowing she’ll have to stay in hers.

US House condemns Trump attacks on congresswomen as racist
–– Trump 2020 asks permission to print resolution on tees.

CNN, MSNBC say "racist" 636 times regarding Trump 'go back' tweet since Sunday
–– Fox translates as “patriotic” 672 times.

House Minority Leader deflects on racist tweets: We are the party of Lincoln
–– George Lincoln Rockwell.

Ivanka Ignores Father's Racist Tweet While Promoting Her Women's Initiative
–– For Diddly Squad.

Meghan McCain Slams Trump for ‘Taking Away’ Her Ability to Not Look Racist
–– ‘I had the scam all worked out.’

Harris Vows to Send Trump 'Back to Where He Came From' On Election Day 2020
–– With enforced busing.

Mayor says Trump will have to 'go back to hell'
–– Satan: ‘Puh-leeze!’

Iran Seizes British Tanker in the Persian Gulf
–– And it’s pretty darn slippery.

Iran Rebuffs Trump Assertion That U.S. Ship Downed Drone
–– Like polishing turd.

Iran's Zarif says Saudi Arabia, not Iran, is to blame for Middle East instability
–– He said, Sheikh said.

Leaked UK memo says Trump axed Iran deal to spite Obama
–– Totally disobamalated.

AriZona Iced Tea and Adidas offered super exclusive shoes for 99 cents, and the police had to shut them down
–– Buck trend.

Alan Dershowitz Hails ‘Perfect, Perfect Sex Life’ to Distance Himself From Ex-Client Jeffrey Epstein
–– And still totally fucked up.

Naked photos of Cy-Fair assistant principal shared by middle school students
–– Spare rod, spoil child.

Murderer deemed too old for prison released early, kills again
–– Giving hope to senior psychos everywhere.

Yankees Manager Has A 'F**king Savage' Meltdown And Fans On Twitter Love It
–– Boone docked.

Pampers is making a 'smart' diaper. Yes, really
–– For ‘smart’ parents.

Earth's core has been leaking for 2.5 billion years and geologists don't know why
–– Suggest ‘smart’ diaper.

Trump Mocked For Falsely Claiming His Events Have 'Never Had An Empty Seat'
–– “That's why oldsters wear Depends.”

Trump’s tweets resonate with his supporters at campaign rally
–– Echo in empty heads.

What a doctor wishes patients knew about the end
–– Can’t come soon enough.

’An abomination': Jon Stewart blasts Rand Paul for blocking 9/11 victims bill
–– Eyein' Rand.

Kyle Richards Thinks Lisa Vanderpump Quit RHOBH So She Wouldn't Get Fired for Skipping Reunion
–– Vanderbumped.

What Happened When Bleached Decided They’d Had Enough
–– No more whiteouts.

Politically charged Emmys: Anti-Trump celebs score nominations
–– Or Tim Allen, Jon Voight snubbed.

Margot Robbie Admits She’s Never Seen Any Star Wars Films: ‘It Infuriates People So Much’
–– Adults sob, throw action figures.

Carrie Underwood will 'never' wear a triangle bikini: 'It's not going to happen'
–– Too square.

Has Netflix's Soaring Growth Finally Hit a Wall?
–– Or, y’know, ceiling?

Why Netflix needs more hits to remain competitive
–– Um, that’s business they’re in?

Eddie Murphy 'in talks with Netflix to sign deal worth $70million'
–– Targeting audience too old for Adam Sandler.

Elena Kagan Says She'll Never Accept Supreme Court's Partisan Gerrymandering Ruling
–– Feels oddly divided.

I've Saved $18,000 By Adopting a Zero Waste Lifestyle. Here's How You Can, Too
–– Don’t read this garbage.

Will the Supreme Court Use Bridgegate to Further Kneecap Anti-Corruption Laws?
–– Seems Christie clear.

Trump to Nominate Eugene Scalia to Serve as Labor Secretary
–– Even though father gave plea deal to predatory capitalism.

Amputee finds picture of him used as EU cigarette warning, despite losing limb in unrelated assault
–– Stock footage missing?

Mother, 64, credits her youthful look to practising MEDITATION
–– And inability to spell MEDICATION.

India 'cow vigilantes' lynch three men
–– With tails.

Ocasio-Cortez hits DHS chief for 'images of my violent rape' in Facebook group
–– He insists he prefers straight deepfake porn.

Mexico president calls 'El Chapo' sentence inhumane, vows better society
–– Prays Sinaloa cartel satisfied with equivocation.

Adam Neumann Cashes Out More Than $700 Million Ahead of WeWork IPO
–– No relation Alfred E. hopes to hit up for loan.

Notre-Dame came far closer to collapsing than people knew. This is how it was saved.
–– Gargoyles with winches.

ASAP Rocky to Remain in Jail in Sweden, as Protest Clamor Grows
–– As stupid as possible.

Cory Booker's college football struggles echo in his presidential campaign
–– Except with hair.

Trump 2020 Campaign Selling Branded Straws for $15 a Pack
–– ‘For when you really suck.’

Mueller hearings to highlight 'shocking evidence of criminal misconduct' by Trump, Democrats say
–– Search on for Americans capable of being shocked.

Who Is Kathy Zhu? Pro-Trump Model Stripped of Title Over 'Racist' Posts
–– If the Zhu fits.

Bud Light is offering free beer to any alien that makes it out of Area 51
–– Should get them to go back.

Married trophy hunters who kissed over dead lion face social media hate: 'Beyond disgusting'
–– Was her mane man.

Where lions once ruled, they are now quietly disappearing
–– Except in crappy CGI remakes.

Trump’s EPA Won’t Ban Pesticide Linked to Brain Damage In Kids
–– So-called ‘Eric’s Law.’

Elon Musk touts brain implant technology to treat health conditions, enable 'telepathy'
–– Stop ‘these voices in my head!’

I Worked at an Amazon Fulfillment Center; They Treat Workers Like Robots
–– Left spinning my wheels.

California city votes to ban gendered words as 'manhole' becomes 'maintenance hole'
–– ‘Asshole’ becomes ‘total asshole.’

Boy’s 'ice cold beer' stand prompts calls to police — turns out to be root beer
–– Arrest for false advertising by disappointed cops.

Fox News Host: ‘I’d Grab My Wallet’ if I Met ‘the Squad’
–– After own pussy?

LVMH Boss Bernard Arnault Just Dethroned Bill Gates as the World’s Second-Richest Person
–– $108 bil in glad rags, toilet water.

What Is the Heat Index? Is it the Heat, the Humidity, or Both?
–– Or way weather people scare seniors?

The Mooch and his ‘pea-size’ testicles desperate to stay on wife’s good side
–– Mooched peas?

Cambodia to send plastic waste back to the US and Canada
–– Mal de Khmer.

A Florida city blasts 'Baby Shark' overnight to deter homeless people from sleeping in a park
–– West Palm Beach cited by ICC in Hague.

Barr sides against civil rights officials in declining to bring charges against NYPD officer in Garner case
–– Chokes on them.

Why Hasn’t the Officer Who Killed Eric Garner Been Fired Yet?
–– I can’t b’lieve.

’Game of Thrones' Star: Final Season Emmy Nominations "Validate the Writing"
–– Emmy: ‘Oh, then can we have a couple dozen of those back?’

‘The Bachelor’ Creator Mike Fleiss Accused of Attacking Wife
–– Fleiss spec.

He was serving life in prison for a murder. Prosecutors had evidence that he was 'likely innocent' for 27 years
–– For six months he was ‘baad boy.’

This national pizza chain becomes first to offer keto crust
–– Oh, neto!

What Is the Apollo 11 Landing Site Like Now?
–– Downtown Cleveland?

7 things Apollo 11 astronauts left on the moon
–– 4. ‘Moon rocks’ behind crater.

Buzz Aldrin’s Moon-rock Proposal Story Gets a Well-Deserved Comeback
–– Threatened to film Armstrong squatting behind crater.

NASA’s daunting to-do list for sending people back to the Moon
–– 5. Don’t let applicants watch Apollo 13.

Trump’s NASA Administrator says there's no denying the ice caps are melting
–– And he’s not rocket scientist.

Eruption of Italy's Supervolcano Could Produce 100-Foot Tsunami
–– And 10-Foot tiramisu.

Biden says if Trump mocks his age or mental state in a debate he'd challenge him to a push-up contest
–– Like push-up bro.

Happy 61st birthday, IHOP. Here's how the chain still rakes in billions
–– Now needs pancake makeup for closeups.

A group of Oklahoma teens found a human leg with a shoe still attached
–– Sole survivor.

Arby’s Has an Answer to Plant-Based Meat: A Meat-Based Carrot
–– How about Flavor-Based Food?

Trump gets his third acting secretary of defense this year
–– Straight out of summer stock.

A teenage girl on a boogie board is bitten by a shark in Florida
–– Shark wore puddle jumper.

Giant jellyfish the size of a human spotted by divers off English coast
–– Pursued by huge peanut butter ray.

A Texas woman was living with her dead mother for three years
–– And loving ‘peace and quiet.'

A layer of 'aerogel' could make Mars habitable and even enable life to develop there – but here's why we should wait
–– Entire supply currently in use on Beyoncé coif.

‘Star Wars 9' will have 'one of the most epic' lightsaber battles in the franchise's history
–– Because what else could be more boring.

George R.R. Martin: Game of Thrones fan reactions won't change my books
–– ‘Because I’ll never finish them.’

Linda Hamilton explains why she's finally back for Terminator: Dark Fate
–– Medicare Part B.

Feds warn UFO enthusiasts against storming Area 51: The military 'stands ready'
–– With Martian photon blasters.

Cuccinelli: Coverage of raids shows how far we've fallen
–– We, the Trump Administration.

Black Trump supporter has a message for the President
–– ‘Kick Me!’ sign taped to rear.

Moment KFC restaurant explodes caught on camera
–– Subsequent hot wings sale not.

Graham: I don't care if migrants stay in camps for 400 days
–– ‘So long as ICE provides me photos of them sufferin’.’

Despite widespread flooding, Louisiana was spared the brunt of Barry's wrath. Here's why
–– We in media are bummed.

FDA Warns 'Big Penis' Male Sexual Supplement May Be Too Powerful
–– And name too accurate.

Pink responds to criticism over her kids running through Holocaust memorial
–– “I said, ‘pretend Nazi guards are after you,’”

Robert Eggers Had to Convince Poland He Wasn’t a Satanist After A24’s ‘Witch’ Marketing Stunt
–– Transformed film commissioner back into human.

Magazine to give out 'LGBT-free zone' stickers to readers
–– Polish version of Out.

Alan Turing, World War II code-breaker castrated for being gay, is the face of Britain's £50 note
–– No enigma there.

Diane Keaton hasn't had a date in 35 years
–– Someone’s gotta give.

Yes, Djokovic just celebrated his Wimbledon win by eating a handful of grass. Here's why
–– Already snorted foul lines.

Man 'performs sex act' on woman as she holds can of lager on beach
–– For him to gargle with when finished.

Chess Grandmaster Igors Rausis Caught Cheating with Cellphone Found in Toilet
–– Stalls career.

At least 24 Yellow Vests lost eyes in violent protests. Now they're more determined than ever
–– Did they check pockets?

Watch as an injured manta ray turns to divers for help
–– Then sting them dead after being treated.

Pompeo Calls China's Treatment of Uighurs the 'Stain of the Century'
–– Trump, ‘Hey, Mike, whatta about me?’

Rihanna’s Harper's Bazaar China cover sparks questions of cultural appropriation
–– By sniveling morons, but still…

Sriracha lawsuit: California pepper grower awarded $23.3 million by jury
–– Money to burn.

Hong Kong police pepper spray protesters at the Chinese border
–– Who were holding woks with sizzling beef, onions, bok choy.

Scarlett Johansson Says She and Adam Driver Were 'Brutally Screaming' at Each Other for New Film
–– Or ‘acting’.


Epstein Barf
Week of 07/12/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Acosta to Resign as Labor Secretary Over Jeffrey Epstein Plea Deal
–– After laboring under illusion he'd stay.

House votes to restrain Trump on war with Iran
–– Sadly without ball gag.

Jeffrey Epstein paid $350K to 'influence' possible co-conspirators: prosecutors
–– Influencer virus.

New Epstein victim goes public as Trump labor secretary defends plea deal
–– 'Pretty pleas?'

Billionaire Jeffrey Epstein arrested and accused of sex trafficking minors, sources say
–– Accoster in Florida jailed, Acosta in Washington free.

Nude Photos of Girls Seized From Jeffrey Epstein Mansion
–– NY Post is really on it…oh, the NY Times?

Biographer Tweets Embarrassing Trump Quote About Jeffrey Epstein And Younger Women
–– Thought he liked predators who weren’t captured.

How Exactly Is Alleged Sex Trafficker Jeffrey Epstein Connected to President Trump?
–– Spiritually, at minimum.

Twitter loses it as Trump declares himself 'so great-looking,' attacks Elizabeth Warren as 'skinny version of Pocahontas'
–– Recalls how Epstein turned him on to ‘young, nubile Disney version.’

Chinese real estate billionaire Wang Zhenhua arrested for alleged child molestation
–– In latest Epstein knockoff.

Citizenship question dropped from census, but advocates fear ‘damage has been done’
–– Have they lost their census?

Roberts Thwarted Trump, but the Census Ruling Has a Second Purpose
–– Thwarts and all.

The US government is fining Facebook $5 billion for privacy violations, and Wall Street thinks that’s great news
–– Zuck it up.

Meg Ryan's Fiancé, John Mellencamp, Showed Her Famous Fake Orgasm Scene to Her Daughter
–– Told her, ‘You’ll have what she’s having.’

Pelosi implores Democrats to unify, warning of dangers ahead
–– 'AOC gives me migraines!'

Tensions Between Pelosi and Progressive Democrats of ‘the Squad’ Burst Into Flame
–– Their ‘Suicide Squad.’

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris reignite 1970s controversy
–– Burn, babies, burn.

Kamala Harris Proposes $100 Billion Plan to Close Racial Homeownership Gap
–– What’s black and white and red-lined all over?

AOC weeps while hearing mother’s story of toddler who died after being detained by ICE
–– In this week’s telenovela Las Pasiones de Alexandria.

'No shower, no shower!' migrants shout as Pence visits Texas detention centers
–– He smelled that bad.

Former ICE official trades heated words with lawmakers at hearing
–– Meltdown.

Has Now Had More Cabinet Turnover Than Reagan, Obama and the Two Bushes
–– And most bakeries.

Miley Cyrus Reveals Her Pet Pig Bubba Sue Has Died: 'Thank You for So Many Laughs and Good Times'
–– 'And making my behavior look good.'

Avocado prices are skyrocketing, but it's not because of tariffs
–– Guac on the wild side.

Dolly Parton gets her own Hallmark Christmas movie, 'Christmas at Dollywood'
–– Double feature.

Jessica Simpson Celebrates Birthday in Leopard Swimsuit and Colorful Sunglasses: '39 Is All Mine'
–– ‘39 triple-D! Woo-hoo!’

Here’s What's Happened to All Those Bob Ross Paintings
–– Being enjoyed by songbirds in their cages.

14 Dog Posts From This Week That Prove Dogs Are The Closest Thing We Have To Perfection
–– Especially ones that can tweet.

There are now more people over age 65 than under five—what that means
–– Diaper sales won't suffer.

US government is running out of money faster than expected, Mnuchin warns
–– 'So print more, suckers!'

Police say a crowd took the law into their own hands, beat to death a man who stole a car with kids inside
–– Talk about Philly fanatiic.

Check Out Sebastian Gorka’s Priceless Reaction To Winning A ‘Dips**t’ Award
–– Sebastian gab it large.

Commish denies intentional juicing of baseballs
–– ‘Look, you can squeeze as hard as you like, but you'll only get a couple drops.’

Couple who appeared on 'Tiny House Nation' claims their builder disappeared with their house
–– In his toolbox.

The Burr vs. Hamilton duel happened 215 years ago today
–– Couldn't beat bum rap.

U.S. wants 'El Chapo' in prison for life, after he hears from murder plot victim
–– A new Chapo of his life.

A Man Intruded Buckingham Palace While Queen Elizabeth Was Sleeping & the Details Sound So Scary
–– Almost kissed, transformed into frog.

Tatum O'Neal slams 'tacky' Meghan Markle Wimbledon drama: 'I wanted her to be the next Princess Diana'
–– Gee, nice way to say ‘go hit an abutment.’

Lil’ Kim calls out 'messy' Andy Cohen for not putting 'respect on my name,' cancels visit
–– ‘I mean for a gay dude, he is not kempt!’

Yabba Dabba Reboot! The Flintstones Is Getting a Revival — and Elizabeth Banks Is Involved
–– Yabba Dabba doo.

Bishop to spray holy water over city from helicopter in mass exorcism of 'demons' this weekend
–– Even Hell demons can’t stand Colombia’s summer heat and are ‘thrilled.’

Family Involved in Disneyland Brawl Denied it Happened, According to Police
–– Blame ‘that bitch Minnie.’

German SPD lists von der Leyen failures in damning paper to EU peers
–– der Leyen kink.

Michelle Carter, Woman Who Told Boyfriend To Kill Himself, Files Supreme Court Appeal
–– They'll tell her to drop dead.

Trump achieves his highest approval of 44% since taking office in 2017
–– Hope calls Michelle Carter for advice.

Amal Clooney Criticizes World Leaders for 'Collective Shrug' Over Killing of Journalist Jamal Khashoggi
–– At least they all put their shoulders into it.

Massachusetts teen sentenced to life in prison in classmate's beheading
–– Won’t go to head of class.

How did a 5-foot gator end up in one of Chicago's most popular parks? Cops are puzzled
–– When sign at gate clearly states pets can't have more than 4.

Barbra Streisand references alleged Prince Charles affair onstage: 'I could have been the first Jewish princess'
–– Already Princess of Wails.

Lisa Vanderpump Posts Farewell Tribute to RHOBH After 9 Years: 'The Pump Has Left the Building'
–– Busted Pump.

Vanderpump Rules' Jax Taylor Can't Wait to Become a Dad: 'I Want to Be in the PTA'
–– 'Y'know, like your Palm Pilot.'

Mets try to lure fans with 80 percent off tickets after Pete Alonso's Home Run Derby win
–– Promise 20% effort on field.

Mariah Carey Reveals She's 'Only Been with 5 People in My Life': 'I'm Kind of a Prude'
–– And she means in conversation.

Stranger Things Actor Noah Schnapp Says Will Byers' Sexuality Is ‘Up for Interpretation'
–– Oh, Schnapp!

Son begs father not to call police on black man he believed was trespassing: 'Daddy, I don't like this'
–– Media loves it.

#BoycottHomeDepot trending after co-founder says he would donate to President Trump's reelection campaign
–– Platform will need planks.

At age 20, 'SpongeBob SquarePants' is still soaking up the love
–– Toddlers' main squeeze.

Loud fart helps police sniff out suspect hiding from arrest
–– Police dogs still recovering.

Strip club to host golf tournament at Trump resort in South Florida
–– Resort hosting usual number of boobs.

Rip Torn, actor best known for 'Men in Black' and 'The Larry Sanders Show,' dies at 88
–– RIP Torn.

Australian gender reveal party goes wrong as car bursts into flames
–– ‘Well, mate, the fire started out blue ’n’ turned black. It’s a boy, but maybe Dennis ain’t the dad.’

A high school principal is reassigned after writing that he couldn't say the Holocaust was 'a factual, historical event'
–– At Hermann GoeringTech.

21 Woman-Led Sports Movies to Celebrate the U.S. World Cup Victory
–– Bring it On Again is #2. Go, team!

Renee Zellweger Embodies Judy Garland in New ‘Judy’ Trailer
–– Or Do Not Under Any Circumstances Watch ‘Judy’ Trailer.

‘Ghostbusters 2020’ Rounds Out Cast With Two Newcomers
–– White guys over 50, right?

Evan Rachel Wood Calls Out ‘Stranger Things 3’ for Hopper’s Toxic Behavior: ‘Never Date a Guy Like This’
–– Even if they resurrect character and I get hired to play love interest?

Eric Swalwell expected to end presidential bid after failing to gain traction
–– Will try to remove tire marks from back.

Recreational marijuana legalization tied to decline in teens using pot, study says
–– But parents ‘totally baked.’

Katharine McPhee Jokes About David Foster’s Instagram Husband Skills During Italian Honeymoon
–– 69-year-old’s other husband skills not funny.

Spider-Man rights could revert to Sony if 'Far From Home' 'fails to make $1 billion'
–– So desperate he's contesting Tony Stark's will for bigger cut in court.

Grieving father says Disney declined request to put Spider-Man on his 4-year-old son's tombstone
–– Spidey's lawyers demanded huge fee.

Is There a Stan Lee Cameo in ‘Spider-Man: Far From Home’?
–– See that motionless old guy in background near London Bridge?

Al Roker's 3rd Hour of Today Co-hosts Reveal What Makes Him the Best at His Job: 'He's so Calm'
–– Could be 3rd Bloody Mary.

President Trump Invited a Cartoonist Known for 'Anti-Semitic' Images to a White House Social Media Summit
–– In typically cartoonish move.

Dog owners told to feed pet before post arrives and lock them in room for ten minutes after postman has left, under Royal Mail guidance
–– To even odds for out-of-shape postman before siccing Rex in him.

Philippines: UN decision to probe drug war 'straight from the mouth of the Queen in Alice in Wonderland'
–– Why not 'off with Duterte's head?'

Rainbow flag again set on fire at New York gay bar
–– By asshole off spectrum.

New York Times Hits Back At Trump Claim Of 'Phony' Story On Migrant Detention
–– ‘No, you’re a phony president. Nyah, nyah!’

Martin Charnin, Tony-Winning Creator of 'Annie,' Dies at 84
–– The sun will bum out tomorrow.

Women’s World Cup 2019: how USA became four-times champions – video
–– Won four times?

Rose Lavelle Dribbled Her Way Into World Cup Immortality
–– Trump: ‘See? Female trouble.’

World Cup champ Rose Lavelle dressed up like Mia Hamm when she was a kid
–– Teammate Megan Rapinoe dressed up like ham.

Fox News broadcast interrupted by US fans chanting 'f*** Trump' amid Women's World Cup celebrations
–– ‘Interrupted’ or ‘aptly underscored’?

Trump Rips Fox News: "They Forgot the People Who Got Them There"
–– ‘You have to continue to pander, incite and lie to them like me.

Bill Gates: Apple was on a path to die under Steve Jobs
–– Or, y’know, vice versa.

Phillies' Jake Arrieta Rips Mets' Todd Frazier: 'I'll Put a Dent in His Skull'
–– Phil with rage.

Mets’ Frazier says Arrieta went 'overboard' on skull remark
–– ‘Dense’ skull.

Kapler: Arrieta to continue pitching, Phils will monitor
–– Has bone spur, in head.

Florida man admits to lighting firecrackers under a child's bed. He said it was a prank gone wrong
–– Child, who’d left tooth under pillow, ‘disillusioned.’

Tom Steyer tells staffers he plans to announce 2020 presidential bid
–– April Fool’s Day in July!

A Detroit festival charged white people $20 and black people $10, then they got hit with backlash
–– POCket difference.

Another person was caught on camera licking ice cream in a store, police say
–– If that’s a crime, we are guilty!

Twitter rages at 'disgusting' Walmart customer who gargled with Listerine and spit it back into container
–– They shoulda caught a whiff of her breath first.

Climbers seek new routes to keep the thrill of Everest alive
–– Why not just lock self in freezer, throw off bridge?

Cables from UK's ambassador to the US blast Trump as 'inept,' 'incompetent'
–– British being typically polite.

Trump says he will no longer deal with UK ambassador who labeled him 'inept'
–– Will sext Nigel Farage, pretend he’s ambassador.

Jaden Smith Really, Really Wants to Change the World
–– Would be better if it never heard from him again.

Netflix Adopts Smoking Policy Following Damning Report, ‘Stranger Things’ a Top Offender
–– Promises anti-Mind Flayer PSAs.

Happy birthday, Alelia Murphy! The oldest woman in the United States turns 114
–– African-American ‘gal’ on Biden’s VP shortlist.

A 70-year-old marathoner hounded by cheating allegations is found dead in a river
–– Run into the ground.

Forget the Pork. Add Some Flower Power to Your Quesadillas.
–– Vete a la mierda.

Someone Used a Chain Saw to Make a Melania Trump Statue. Few Were Impressed.
–– Slovenlyna.

We Thought We Lived on Solid Ground. California’s Earthquakes Changed That.
–– Because no one ever mentioned possibility of SoCal quake.

Earthquake Rattles a State Wary of the ‘Big One’
–– Particularly #MeToo.

What Bipolar II Feels Like
–– Like Bipolar x 2?

Here’s why we call the open-mouth smooch a 'French kiss'
–– Americans took stab at foreign tongue.

Federal appeals court rules against 'bikini baristas'
–– Takeout cup size.

João Gilberto, a pioneer of Bossa Nova, has died at 88
–– Lying down to Rio.

Mad Magazine, Irreverent Baby Boomer Humor Bible, Is All but Dead
–– Doesn’t feel like a Neuman.

Kevin Spacey Questioned by Scotland Yard Over Sexual Assault Allegations
–– By Inspector Jack D. Tallywhacker.


Count Meat Out
Week of 07/05/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Trump May Have Just Revealed The Real Reason For The Census Citizenship Question
–– Wants to know where to get best taco bowls?

Biggest earthquake in years rattles Southern California
–– *ROILER ALERT!*

Trump urged to ignore Supreme Court, print census question: 'Because we should,' GOP lawmaker says
–– In act of census violence.

President Trump Said Revolutionary War Troops 'Took Over the Airports' in His Fourth of July Speech
–– Aimed muskets at BOAC jets.

Conway Rips Trump for Confusing Name of Presidential Jet with Putin's Plane
–– Piloted by Minute Men.

Defying critics, Trump salutes military in pomp-filled July 4 celebration
–– Displays pomp adore.

Trump asks Americans to 'stay true to our cause' at Salute to America Fourth of July celebration in Washington
–– That’s hard royal ‘our.’

Trump officials 'fear embarrassingly tiny crowd' for his Fourth of July speech
–– Did security make male attendees drop trou?

’This says something': Thousands gather in Washington for Donald Trump's 4th of July celebration
–– Says there are thousands of suckers.

Is President Donald Trump losing his fight to save coal? Third major company since May files for bankruptcy
–– On biggest BBQ weekend of the year!

Ancient DNA may reveal origin of the Philistines
–– All descendants of Phyllis Stein.

Erdogan says Xinjiang camps shouldn't spoil Turkey-China relationship
–– Has ‘em up the Xinpiang.

Brexit Party MEPs branded 'extremists' for Ode to Joy stunt: 'We would never turn our back on the British anthem'
–– Fool Britannia?

Venezuela: UN report accuses Maduro of ‘gross violations’ against dissenters
–– ‘Gross’ is adjective that applies to most of his actions.

Quentin Tarantino reveals 'Once Upon a Time in Hollywood' could be his last film
–– Don’t tease us, QT-pie!

World’s Largest Seaweed Bloom Discovered from Space, Stretches 5,000 Miles
–– What’s it all about, algae?

Son of Hamas founder brands movement ‘racist terror organisation’ that lives luxury lifestyle while Palestinian people suffer
–– Hamas home point.

Biden says having a female vice president would be 'great'
–– ‘Y’know, I might've have nailed Gerry Ferraro if she’d won.’

Joe Biden says that he wasn't prepared for Kamala Harris' criticism on segregation and busing
–– Glad she didn't go after him liking All in the Family.

Joe Biden Insists 'I Don't Have to Atone' for Calling Busing 'Asinine'
–– But might on Yom Kippur if polls support it.

Biden shrugs off heckler calling him by Trump nickname 'Sleepy Joe'
–– Rolls over, dozes off.

Biden knocks AOC wing of Democratic Party, warns voters are not 'way left'
–– Way lost.

Biden’s 'gay waiter' comment on LGBTQ rights falls flat in Seattle
–– Like Pink Lady spilled in lap.

Texas man fatally shoots his sister before turning gun on himself in suspected murder-suicide
–– Or really unfortunate gun-cleaning accident.

NASA will look for life in space with a nuclear-powered drone
–– First needs to discover intelligent form in DC.

Europe Has Turned Its Back on Its ISIS Suspects
–– Showing them view they deserve.

They escaped ISIS. Then they got sucked into Baghdad's sex trafficking underworld
–– Ed. note: Maybe other verb for ‘sucked’?

Kushner slams Palestinians for acting 'hysterical and stupid' after snubbing his Bahrain conference
–– Screams ‘that’s my jam!’

Steve Bullock raises $2 million for 2020 bid in second quarter, campaign says
–– By spelling name Sandra on solicitation letters.

Are Paint Fumes a Health Concern? Here's What the Latest Science Says
–– Not when you’re really high.

King Tut statue sells for almost $6M despite outcry
–– Yells ‘Tut, tut!’ when you squeeze it.

Kevin Spacey Accuser Abruptly Drops Assault and Battery Lawsuit
–– Let's go of 'it.'

Teenager Accused of Rape Deserves Leniency Because He’s From a ‘Good Family,’ Judge Says
–– ‘Good’ grief.

Bernard Tomic fined $56,100 for lack of effort in limp Wimbledon defeat
–– Ginnin’ Tomic.

Elizabeth Warren has snapped 35,000 'selfies' with voters: 'You can't buy advertising like this'
–– Um, actually you can.

Megan Rapinoe's message to her critics: 'I think I am extremely American'
–– Constitution doesn’t say anything about being good sport.

’Walking Dead' fans stunned after comic book series ends without warning
–– No time to catch some Z’s.

Trump Defends Border Patrol as Criticism of Detention Conditions Grows
–– ‘Zey vere chust following orders.’

Hispanic pastors tour border facility, say they are 'shocked by misinformation'
–– ‘Filth, misery’ to be expected.

N. Korea says US 'hell-bent' on sanctions despite Trump-Kim meet
–– Would be with Satan in charge.

War crimes court-martial ends with Navy SEAL walking free
–– More waddling out, clapping fins.

Trump congratulates navy Seal who committed war crime with dead body: ‘Glad I could help!’
–– Handed him knife to shove in neck? Held camera for pic with corpse?

Kamala Harris Rips Into Trump: 'We Have A Predator Living In The White House'
–– Raptor head around it.

Reptile invasion: Florida agency encourages killing iguanas
–– Afraid hunters won’t be able to distinguish from seniors.

Dubai ruler sues wife Princess Haya in UK's High Court
–– Haya learning.

‘Wolf of Wall Street’ Producer Riza Aziz Arrested on Money Laundering Charges
–– Claims he was just doing research for film.

“She Has No Legal Recourse": Why Taylor Swift Won't Sue Scooter Braun to Get Her Masters
–– S’whiffed.

Several people stabbed at Virginia plasma center
–– Bad news, uh, good news?

Human bones found in a bag hanging on the door of a New Jersey cafe
–– Do not order soup of day.

Maryland boy victim of flesh-eating bacteria after a swim off the coast of Maryland
–– Where again?

Woman filmed licking ice cream tub could face 20 years
–– Her nickname for boyfriend.

Nicolas Sarkozy, at 5 feet 5 inches, mocked for magazine showing him taller than supermodel wife Carla Bruni
–– Magazine was Une Fellation.

Disney cuts 'Toy Story 2' casting couch scene
–– Left in Potato giving Head.

Louis Tomlinson Says He Didn’t Approve ‘Euphoria’ Sex Scene With Harry Styles
–– Not one erection.

A$AP Rocky Arrested Under Suspicion of Assault
–– What A $AP.

Highway patrol pulled over a hearse in the HOV lane. The driver pointed to the back and asked, 'He doesn't count?'
–– Officer threatened to ticket corpse for not buckling up.

Arte Johnson, Master of Manic Characters on 'Laugh-In,' Dies at 90
–– Verry eh.

Lee Iacocca, Visionary Automaker Who Led Both Ford and Chrysler, Is Dead at 94
–– Auto-delete.

Milton Quon, Disney Animator on 'Fantasia' and 'Dumbo,' Dies at 105
–– Cine Quon none.

John Hickenlooper's senior aides urged him to drop 2020 bid and run for Senate
–– Ones who realized he was in race.

’Straight Pride Parade' organizers say they received suspicious envelopes in the mail. They were full of glitter
–– Sarindippity.

Miley Cyrus Drops NSFW Video for ‘Mother’s Daughter’
–– Not Safe For Whomever.

Pence cancels New Hampshire event to return to White House
–– President needed left nut scratched.

Trader Joe's, Green Giant and Signature Farms packaged vegetables recalled due to Listeria risk
–– But isn’t that fear of listicles?

Nike featuring Betsy Ross flag canceled after backlash
–– Because Colin Kaepernick wanted Colonial flag on sole.

Is the Betsy Ross flag a symbol for hate groups? Depends on who you ask
–– Moron or non.

Trump and R.N.C. Raised $105 Million in 2nd Quarter, Outdoing Obama
–– He’s still running?

Please Stop Telling Me America Is Great
–– OK, but you have to hear your video sucks.

10 Medical Myths We Should Stop Believing. Doctors, Too.
–– Until next set of studies.

NRA Shuts Down Live Programming Arm NRATV
–– Thought live arms, RAT were their things.

Women Are Sharing The Devastating Reason They're Deciding Not To Have Children
–– Children.

Cardi B wanted to trademark 'Okurrr.' The patent office said 'uh uh'
–– Didn’t even okurr to them.

Outrage as Venezuelan navy captain dies under 'torture' after arrest over alleged coup plot
–– Does ‘torture’ ‘hurt’?

Bette Midler Responds to Trump Calling Her ‘Washed-Up Psycho’ at World Pride
–– ‘I’m totally active psycho!’

Fox host Tucker Carlson defends North Korean regime: ‘Leading a country means killing people’
–– Hosting on Fox means killing brain cells.

Ex-Fox News reporter says network's prime-time lineup was 'more than I could stand'
–– That's why idiot hosts get to sit.

Stowaway falls into a south London garden from Kenya Airways plane
–– Pushing up daisies.

Exclusive: Democrats investigating whistleblower claims Pompeo's security picked up Chinese food and his dog
–– And were they same thing.

Complaining didn't work, so a man threw a birthday party for a pothole. Within days, the city fixed it.
–– Following week he held wake.

It’s so hot that mussels are cooking in their shells and highways are buckling
–– Pop-up seafood shacks sweep highway.

David Lynch Calls ‘Bullshit’ on One Crazy ‘Twin Peaks: The Return’ Fan Theory
–– We call ‘bullshit’ on entire series.

We Won’t Always Have the Paris: Losing the Last Theater of Its Kind in America
–– Balcony is closed.

Iran exceeds uranium caps set by nuclear deal, foreign minister says
–– Now sporting nuclear fedoras.

Bleak Indie Summer Continues: ‘Maiden’ Outpaces Openers as ‘Late Night’ Collapses
–– Only so many Seven Sisters’ grads.

What if All Your Slack Chats Were Leaked?
–– What if all your shat slacks leaked?

Vladimir Putin Says Elton John Is "Mistaken," Russia Is "Very Neutral" Toward LGBT Community
–– “And only sometime we throw into reverse to scatter homosexuals.”

Ivanka Trump Tests Her Diplomatic Chops and Riles a Legion of Critics
–– Lame chops.

In New Talks, U.S. May Settle for a Nuclear Freeze by North Korea
–– Or No More Nukes ice pop.

Trump’s North Korean gambit is already a political win
–– Kim doing handstands or triumphantly standing on lackeys’ hands.

Contractor says suspect in killing of Utah college student asked him to build a secret room
–– Wreck room.

Joey Chestnut ate a hot dog while he threw his first pitch because he's Joey Chestnut
–– After first taking chunk out of baseball.

Mets apologize for putting two living players in memorial montage at 1969 reunion
–– And several seemingly dead ones on field.

Death on the trail: More Americans visit national parks, but fewer rangers on patrol
–– Predators’ satisfaction ratings at all-time high.

Hedge-Fund Heir Found Guilty of Murdering Father After Allowance Was Cut
–– Heir trigger response.

Sensitive Trump Goes After Jimmy Carter for Telling the Truth
–– He’s Morrissey of insult presidents.

Putin says liberalism 'eating itself,' migrant influx wrong
–– Liberalism responds: ‘Eat me.’

George R.R. Martin Says the ‘Internet Is Toxic’ in Aftermath of ‘Game of Thrones’ Season 8 Outrage
–– ‘And spreads like Wildfire.’

Trump says he appreciates Saudi purchase of U.S. military equipment
–– Threw in bonus Mar a Lago Club memberships.

Trump dismisses need for climate change action: ‘We have the cleanest water we’ve ever had, we have the cleanest air’
–– ‘We’ll soon be having so much clean water, you’ll be saying no more clean water.’

School recalls yearbooks after teacher quotes Hitler as his 'favorite person in history'
–– It is Whitesville Central School.

Tom Holland A Bit Heartbroken Gwyneth Paltrow Didn’t Remember Acting in ‘Spider-Man’
–– Because it wasn’t really acting.

Sebastian Stan Jokes That Avengers Costar Gwyneth Paltrow Still Doesn't Know Him
–– No Stan laurels?

Chris Pratt Instagrams a Photo of His Butt After Getting Super Sunburnt on His Hawaiian Honeymoon
–– Gluteals of the Galaxy.

Dave Bautista Rejects Starring in ‘Fast and Furious’ Movies: ‘I’d Rather Do Good Films’
–– Disregardians of the Galaxy.

Mark Wahlberg tipped to replace Avengers' Chris Evans in new film
–– Not Avengers’ film, mind you.

Bernie Sanders calls Trump 'a racist and a bigot' day after Democratic debate
–– And claims ‘sun rises in East and sets in West.’

Twitter is canceling the Dalai Lama because he said a female successor should be 'attractive'
–– Demands Dalai Glama.

White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham bruised amid scuffle between reporters, North Korean guards
–– Reputation already in traction.

Crocodiles and alligators once chose vegetables over meat, researchers who studied prehistoric teeth say
–– Now prefer vegans.

An oil spill that began 15 years ago is up to a thousand times worse than the rig owner's estimate, study finds
–– Spill: the beans.

Chicago Mayor Lori Lightfoot calls Eric Trump spitting incident ‘repugnant'
–– And aim ‘lousy.’