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INHERIT THE WHINGE
Week of 05/31/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Robert Mueller Delivers Remarks on Russia Probe, Says Report "Speaks for Itself"
–– In pidgin legalese.

Trump fixates on IQ as a measure of self-worth
–– Beats brains out.

Mueller: 'If we had had confidence that the president had clearly not committed a crime, we would have said so'
–– ‘If we had had confidence that this tortured gibberish would endanger the constitutional basis of our democracy, we would have still equivocated.’

Robert Mueller Resigns, Says Charging Trump With Crime Was ‘Not an Option’
–– Punting apparently was.

Robert Mueller wants everyone to know Donald Trump was not *not* guilty
–– And Mueller’s not *not* guilty of aiding, abetting.

Robert De Niro to Mueller: “The Country Needs to Hear Your Voice”
–– We did and even you couldn’t act like you understood him.

Barr says Justice Department and Mueller sparred over "legal analysis" in Russia report
–– Precedent v. President.

Barr has not received 'satisfactory' answers from intelligence community in Russia probe origins review
–– ‘Fuck off’ won’t do?

Fox News Hosts Freak Out Over 'Mean Girl' Robert Mueller: 'Full Of Crap'
–– Can we agree with Fox News Hosts?

James Comey Unloads: Trump’s “Treason” Theory Is So Dumb It Hurts
–– A conspiracy of dunce's.

Trump Tweets, and Then Retracts, Statement That Russia Helped Him Get Elected
–– After Putin foot in mouth.

O’Reilly says Trump called him to complain about Mueller
–– ‘But kept calling me Sean.”

Republican Justin Amash clashes with Trump supporters over impeachment at heated town hall event
–– Sends Amash note.

Fox News Host Gushes About Trump: 'This Guy's Got The Thickest Skin'
–– Only around head.

'No president has been attacked as he has:' Franklin Graham asks Christian leaders for special day of prayer for Trump
–– Because none attacked as he has.

The continental US just had the wettest 12 months in the 124 years on record
–– Peeing self in fear of Trump.

Rihanna’s Next-Generation Bronzers Are Redefining Sun-Kissed Skin for All
–– OED editors take note.

Miley Cyrus Says She Likes Getting Patted Down By Airport Security
–– T's'A.

What Did Olivia Jade Know and When Did She Know It?
–– Nothing. Ever.

Donald Trump Cannot Be Removed Because He Is ‘God’s Choice,’ Claims Pastor
–– Or certain fallen angel’s.

Giuliani Looks to Reprise 'Jack-of-all-Trades' Role With Trump 2020
–– And Master of Nut.

Lindsey Graham's Trump Support Is ‘Comical,’ Says Dem Challenging Senator
–– If you're into gallows humor.

SAS on 'kill or capture' mission in hunt for Abū Bakr al-Baghdadi
–– 'Or canoodle.'

Democrats toughen qualifying standards for third presidential debate
–– Need pulse and birth certificate.

My 12-Year-Old Son Gave Me a List of Islamophobic Names He's Been Called
–– And we’re Mormons!

Nationwide college enrollment declines for the seventh year in a row
–– You'd never know it from message boards.

That 'Always Be My Maybe' Sex Scene Is Based On Randall Park's First Time
–– Randall pork.

Ben & Jerry's plans a CBD-infused ice cream, pending FDA approval
–– Testing Peech & Chong, Black & Weed Cookie, Budderscotch, Reefer Maltness, Pecannabiscotti.

Man Poses as Beto Campaign Worker, Breaks Into Home and Eats Popsicle
–– Finds O’Rourke pigging out on Ben & Jerry’s.

Deceased G.O.P. Strategist’s Hard Drives Reveal New Details on the Census Citizenship Question
–– He’s not included.

World’s smallest baby leaves hospital
–– Takes itsy-bitsy steps.

“Inconsistent, Incoherent, and Poorly Conceived”: As the Times Clamps Down on Reporters Going on MSNBC, Is This a Liberal-Media War?
–– Are they describing Trump?

Cold fusion remains elusive—but these scientists may revive the quest
–– Like Trump rally without lies.

“I can’t Get the Asshole off the Phone”: In Michael Wolff’s Newest, Everyone—Even Rupert—Thinks Trump Is Beyond Crazy
–– “’n’ I gotta take a pic of Jerri trying to hoist me donger. Crikey!’

Former pet parrots breeding and thriving in 23 U.S. states
–– Won't shut up about it.

Did This Fossil Freeze a Swimming School of Fish in Time?
–– Like class picture.

A bizarre new theory connects supernovae explosions with humans' ability to walk upright
–– Novae, José!

Who Are America's Allies Against Iran? Saudi Arabia, UAE Prepare for Action
–– Y’know, the Good Guys.

Saudis urge "all means of force" to confront Iran
–– Brandishing bone saw.

Saudi king warns attacks on oil stations threaten global supply
–– Of Slushies, Slim Jims, Pringles.

Trump Invokes 'National Emergency' So US Can Sell Weapons To Saudi Arabia
–– It's in Yemen, but still.

Saudi’s comatose 'Sleeping Prince' appears to move for first time in 14 years
–– Crown Prince Salman instructs thugs to check for movement in Khashoggi body parts.

Protesters in Iran, Iraq burn Israel, US flags on 'Quds Day'
–– Quds! What's the matter with Quds today?

Iran dismisses U.S. remarks that its naval mines likely used in UAE tanker attacks: Fars
–– Pronounced ‘farce’.

Former Tehran mayor confesses to killing wife, hands himself into police
–– Bolton swears revenge.

The Craziest Night in Israel's Political History
–– It was meshugganah, let me tell you!

21 men sentenced following 'disgraceful' bar brawl likened to something out of a Wild West film
–– Authorities: 'The choreagraphy was dreadful, like one of those cheap Rory Calhoun oaters from the 50s!'

Stocks Fall as Trump’s Mexico Tariff Threat Rattles Markets
–– Like maracas.

If trade spat worsens, Mexico should target Trump base: farm lobby
–– Until he eases tariffs on spats.

The oceans absorbed extra CO₂ in the 2000s
–– Was sneaked in on party vessels.

Sacha Baron Cohen Claims Pamela Anderson's Participation in Borat Ended Her Marriage to Kid Rock
–– So he wants her salary back in gratitude.

Phoebe Waller-Bridge says it’s important that the new Bond film “treats women properly”
–– Pussy a bore.

Syria NGOs say Idlib attacks triggering mass displacement amid UN indifference
–– Prefer if they’d just follow script.

Elizabeth Warren called 'the original Rachel Dolezal' in awkward interview over ancestry claims
–– Leaving her red-faced.

Buttigieg campaign, brimming with cash, staffs up
–– None at half mast.

Ex-W.Va. official who made racist Michelle Obama remark sentenced to prison
–– Whoa, these woke sentences are getting real.

Scientists Find a 'Forbidden Planet' That Shouldn't Exist
–– Thought they’d returned DVD to Blockbuster years ago.

Scottie Pippen accuses 5-year-old of defacing his home with crayons in lawsuit against her parents
–– And dribbling on driveway.

FDA Considers Safety of Food Infused With Cannabis Extract
–– Forgets what being measured halfway through test.

Sofia Richie Wears Pink Bikini While Posing On Store Counter -- Watch
–– Only if that’s a gun in your pocket pointing at us.

Why Honey, I Shrunk the Kids Star Rick Moranis Left the Spotlight: I Have 'No Regrets
–– And 'little talent.'

It’s Getting Worse: The IRS Now Audits Poor Americans at About the Same Rate as the Top 1%
–– At least they won’t have to show tax returns when they run for office.

Julian Assange shows symptoms of psychological torture, UN expert says
–– Like spy with blown cover?

Fighter pilots draw penis in the sky. Air Force says it was an accident.
–– Inadvertently added balls to twat.

Heidi Fleiss Is Finally Ready to Rat Out a Client. But Why?
–– Fleiss of fantasy.

Singer Leon Redbone Dies at 69
–– Survived by frog in throat.

LaCroix sales are in a 'free fall'
–– Stiff competition from other flat, weakly-flavored, metallic-tasting sodas.

Kanye West recalls being handcuffed and drugged during involuntary psychiatric hold
–– Or was it dinner last night?

A Glock or Sig Sauer Gun Is Only as Good As One Thing
–– Your desire to mindlessly destroy something.

Chris Kattan says former 'SNL' boss Lorne Michaels pressured him to have sex with director Amy Heckerling
–– Mango and gash.

'Nothing more unfair': Ariana Grande cancels tour dates over allergic reaction to tomatoes
–– She sang to them.

Cardi B Admits Canceled Shows Cost Her Millions of Dollars
–– We admit we’re glad.

Amazon accidentally sends customer woman's urine sample instead of shower curtains
–– Got golden shower.

Green Monkeys Borrow Their Cousins' Eagle Warning Call When Drones Are Near
–– Ask Alexa to play it.

Woman claims she suffered severe brain injuries after she was attacked by a bird
–– Stricken with birdbrain.

From Truman to Trump: All the US Presidents the Queen has met during her reign
–– And one she’ll be happiest to excuse herself from because she’s 93.

Trump says he might meet with Boris Johnson, Nigel Farage during UK visit
–– For hair care tips, pointers on bellowing.

Trump tells The Sun: Meghan Markle is 'nasty,' Boris Johnson would do a 'very good job' as Prime Minister
–– aka 'woman of color' in Trumpspeak.

Wall Street is betting the president won't let stocks collapse
–– You’d trust investors who trust him, right?

White House Asked Navy to Hide McCain Warship
–– Hang sign reading DONALDS over CAIN.

Trump Says He Didn’t Know About Efforts to Hide the U.S.S. McCain
–– Was 'unaware' of plans to cover with giant rubber duckie.

Uber says it will kick off riders for low ratings
–– After creepy drivers first have chance to talk them to death.

Joe Biden Accuser Reveals Details of Her New Talk Show
–– Entitled Joe me besó! Recuerda?

The 65-Year Universe Of Godzilla Explained Ahead Of 'King Of The Monsters'
–– Giant Lizard destroys cities.

Iggy Azalea Threatening Legal Action After Nude Photos Leaked
–– Brainless woman in topless bah.

McConnell Would Fill Potential Supreme Court Vacancy In 2020, Reversal Of 2016 Stance
–– Volte-face from revolt-face.

Wall Street Journal: Elaine Chao still holds stock in company she pledged to sell
–– On husband McConnell’s advice.

Autistic contestant stuns on 'America's Got Talent'
–– Turns taser on judges.

Hawaii hiker says she followed a 'voice' down an unfamiliar trail. Then she got lost for 17 days.
–– ‘Voice’ still chuckling.

Indians Pitcher Leaves Game at Standstill as He Waits in Socks for New Shoes
–– Cleat and jerk.

Jewish teens helped save drowning man with swastika tattoo: 'We should be helping everybody'
–– ‘Even people with tattoos you don’t notice when they’re thrashing around in water.’

Dementia Stopped Peter Max From Painting. For Some, That Spelled a Lucrative Opportunity
–– Max out credit.

Drugmaker’s lawyer: "Serious chronic pain is a soul-stealing, life-robbing thief"
–– Drugmaker’s victim: “Johnson & Johnson is an insurance-stealing, life-robbing thief.”

Pizza Hut is changing its pan pizzas for the first time in 40 years
–– Along with oil they soak them in.

Enough With Crumbs — I Want the Cake
–– Go bake yer own.

Quentin Tarantino Accepts Palm Dog Award For Best Cannes Canine Performance In ‘Once Upon A Time In Hollywood’
–– Brad Pitt’s other teeth jealous.

Kate Middleton’s Exact Wedges Are Only $75 at This Designer Sale-On-Sale
–– Ham and Swiss, Turkey and Brie.

Joe Maddon on MLB's absurd home run rate: 'The wind’s being broken here. It’s really weird’
–– No, that was his response to smell in manager’s office.

The new math of saving for retirement may boil down to this one, absurdly simple rule
–– Don’t spend.

Arrow’s Stephen Amell on not being in DC's movies: "Why would I wanna be?
–– Aims low.

Blow for Macron as Le Pen tops EU election in France
–– Dealer suggests he do couple of lines.

Emmanuel Macron embarrassed by Marine Le Pen in elections but emerges as EU kingmaker
–– All France should be embarrassed.

Inside Trump's Air Force One: 'It's like being held captive’
–– ‘You’re a powerless flight attendant and the only passenger is a horny Gerard Depardieu after six bottles of wine.’

Edmund Morris, Reagan Biographer Who Upset Conventions, Dies at 78
–– Shriners, Small Business Expo, Comic Con all miffed.

Ex-Dodgers, Cubs, Red Sox 1B Bill Buckner Dies at Age 69
–– End of an error.

British climber who died on Everest had posted about worries over queues before his death
–– Suggested restaurant-style pager system.

Nepal Sherpa breaks own record by climbing Everest 24 times
–– Sherpa image.

10 people shot, one fatally, at Memorial Day weekend gathering in Virginia
–– Holiday taken literally.

Beef thieves allegedly packed $100's worth of coveted Japanese Wagyu beef inside a purse, ran from Berkeley store
–– Courts to meat out justice.

Trump and Kim Jong-un 'agree' Biden has a 'low IQ', White House says
–– Hate minds think alike.

Sarah Sanders Says U.S. 'Monitoring' Report Kim Executed His Top Negotiator
–– Trump interested to see how he got away with it.

Missouri Governor Refuses To Budge On Impending Closure Of Last Abortion Clinic
–– Missouri loves misery.

Missouri’s Last Abortion Clinic Can Keep Providing the Procedure, for Now
–– Providing opponents plenty of MO.

Pope Francis likens abortion in any scenario to ‘hiring a hitman’
–– ‘Like we did for priest accusers.’

Justice Clarence Thomas Likens Some Abortions to Eugenics in 20-Page Supreme Court Opinion
–– In scenario where mother is er, um, Hitler?

Klobuchar says John McCain 'kept reciting' dictator names during Trump's inauguration
–– Worked like ‘Beetlejuice’ in materializing our own.

Trump climbs into a sumo ring to present a 60-pound ‘President’s Cup’ in highlight of Japan trip
–– Resists grabbing champ Asanoyama’s cup.

Cory Booker Says Beating Trump Should Be ‘the Floor, Not the Ceiling’
–– Floor his campaign can’t get self up off of.

Spice Girls concert's 'awful' sound disappoints fans
–– But they did come for Spice Girls music.

Bart Starr, iconic Green Bay Packers quarterback, has died at 85
–– Passed.

Scott Pelley Alleges He Lost ‘Evening News’ Anchor Job for Complaints About Work Culture
–– And its abusive demand for ‘ratings’.

Sip a pint while naked at this London pub
–– Don’t ask barkeep to stir your cocktail.

El Chapo's demand for outdoor exercise may be part of an escape plot, US says
–– Or maybe he can’t get enough of sweet Lower Manhattan air.

Jon Voight Delivers Reverent Address About Donald Trump:”Greatest President Since Abraham Lincoln”
–– This deliverance will not be nominated.


FREE-FOR-ALL IN THE FAMILY
Week of 05/24/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Pelosi: Trump's family and staff should stage 'an intervention'
–– But they're all addicted to this dope.

O'Rourke: Time to play rough with Republicans
–– Gets out tiddlywinks pads.

Trump Walks Out on Pelosi and Schumer After 3 Minutes
–– Imagines they’re Ivana, Marla.

Manipulated videos of Nancy Pelosi edited to falsely depict her as drunk spread on social media
–– Spreading slurs.

‘Extremely stable genius': Trump defends his mental fitness as he tears into Pelosi
–– Lacks even horse sense.

House Republican holds up $19 billion disaster relief bill expected to pass unanimously
–– No relief from GOP disaster.

Assange Indicted Under Espionage Act, Raising First Amendment Issues
–– And question, 'Does Cumberbatch return for The Spy Who Hacked Me?'

World’s Largest Animals Are Dying Out, Leading to 'Downsizing' of Nature
–– Chihuahua new King of Beasts.

Over 15,000 Marvel Fans Are Petitioning For Danny DeVito To Be The Next Wolverine
–– See above.

Quentin Tarantino Gave A Cringeworthy Answer To This Question About Margot Robbie
–– Tate misbehavin'.

Elle Fanning Faints At Cannes Film Festival And Blames Her Period, Tight Dress
–– Was it Fin de Siècle?

Japan's Toei Animation Teams With Saudi's Manga on 'The Journey
–– How about Saudi Mangle?

Narendra Modi, India’s ‘Watchman,’ Captures Historic Election Victory
–– The Comedian or Rorschach I?

Five Ways India’s Narendra Modi Is Just Like Donald Trump
–– 3. Hates Muslims.

I Wanted Ronald Reagan. India Kept Electing Bernie Sanders.
–– Now you've got Donald Trump. Namaste.

Rodrigo Duterte Cements Power as Allies Sweep Senate in Philippine Vote
–– Opponents feet in cement.

Misery Grows At Syrian Camp Holding ISIS Family Members
–– To remind them of home life.

Rick Perry's greatest success in Trump's Washington: invisibility
–– Cloak borowed from Harry Potter.

A healthy dog was euthanized so it could be buried with its owner
–– Buried with bone.

An Arizona man's missing mom was buried in the backyard and he was collecting her benefit checks
–– Lawyer: 'At least he didn't bury healthy dog.'

Everest traffic jam creates lethal conditions for climbers
–– Should add bike lane.

The Verve's Richard Ashcroft finally secures 'Bitter Sweet Symphony' royalties after Rolling Stones legal battle
–– In conclusion one can only call…er…bitte…NO!…um…sad.

Man says an intruder broke into his house, cleaned it and left
–– Happt to be cleaned out.

Howard Stern: Trump's candidacy for president was a 'publicity stunt'
–– For stunted nation.

Trump concedes border wall construction is replacement and 'pure renovation'
–– Just adding crown molding to existing structure.

Theresa May offers vote on second referendum if lawmakers back 'new Brexit deal'
–– Code-named ‘New Coke.’

Brexit failure forces British Prime Minister Theresa May to announce resignation
–– Thexit.

Trump calls Rex Tillerson 'dumb as a rock' after claims about Putin meeting
–– Quoth Pebblebrain.

J.J. Abrams reveals how Carrie Fisher is incorporated in 'Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker'
–– 'Didja ever see Weekend at Bernie's…?'

A federal prisoner believed to have spent the longest time in solitary confinement has died
–– Me, myself in mourning.

How ‘The View’ Became the Most Important Political TV Show in America
–– To Amanda Simmons.

Hackers Are Holding Baltimore Hostage: How They Struck and What’s Next
–– Dope dealers, gangbangers, pimps sue for infringement.

Was that Virginia Gov. Ralph Northam in blackface photo? Investigation inconclusive
–– Left in grey area.

HUD Secretary Ben Carson mixes up a real estate term and Oreo sandwich cookies
–– Cremed by critics.

Washington becomes the first state to legalize composting of humans
–– Soylent Green Act pending.

Whitney Houston will have new music and a hologram tour
–– After estate’s abandoned plan to lip sync stuffed corpse.

Donald Trump wants exceptions for rape, incest in abortion laws
–– Always thinking of himself.

AG Barr says nationwide rulings are hampering Trump's agenda
–– To which proper response is ‘Thank God!’

Schiff on Barr: He's Rudy Giuliani without 'all the good looks and general likability'
–– Does Schiff know another Rudy Giulianin?

Second Federal Judge Rules Trump Can’t Block Subpoenas of Financial Documents
–– Mnuchin must submit to digital search.

Trump’s appeal goes to court headed by judge Merrick Garland
–– Judgy Garland.

Accused Thief Taunted Disney World With Photo of Stolen Robot’s Mutilated Head
–– WALL-Eek!

AOC, Warren disappointed by 'Game of Thrones' finale: 'Ugh, this was written by men'
–– In Cersei-like burn.

Where Did Drogon Take Daenerys? Here Are Some Possibillities
–– Disneyworld?

‘Game of Thrones' finale could kill productivity at work, says survey
–– Unless you’re troll.

'Game of Thrones' Female Characters Only Have 25 Percent Of Dialogue: Study
–– Spared stilted gibberish.

Maisie Williams will be a celebrity judge on 'RuPaul's Drag Race UK'
–– Hint: don’t dress like Cersei.

Kylie Jenner's Ex-Boyfriend Tyga Was Once Married to the Mother of Tristan Thompson's Son
–– And has been banished to the North.

A 'fool of low IQ': North Korea derides US presidential candidate Joe Biden
–– Quoting speechwriter D. Trump.

Accused Somali war criminal who drove for Uber and Lyft ordered to pay $500,000 in torture case
–– And that’s just for blasting Cardi B. at passengers.

Cardi B Postpones String of Shows to Recover From Plastic Surgery
–– Replacing toy MP3 player in head.

An episode of the kid's show 'Arthur' featuring a same-sex wedding won't air in Alabama
–– Conservatives 'disturbed' by lead character's species-fluidity.

AI voice assistants reinforce harmful gender stereotypes, new UN report says
–– UN reports reinforce gormless stereotypes.

Trump may have revealed US intelligence in Fox interview
–– Certainly didn’t exhibit any.

US intercepts Russian bombers, fighter jets off the coast of Alaska
–– After Sarah Palin 911 call.

Sea levels may rise much faster than previously predicted, swamping coastal cities such as Shanghai, study finds
–– In drowned figures.

Trump is expected to tap Ken Cuccinelli for top DHS role on immigration
–– As he bravely broadens outreach beyond Fox News to CNN.

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver's restaurant chain collapses
–– Weakened from lack of fatty junk food.

Little Caesars is testing out an Impossible pizza
–– One of theirs that won’t give you runs.

DHS warns of 'strong concerns' that Chinese-made drones are stealing data
–– Float idea.

Google may just have killed Huawei's bid to become the world's top smartphone brand
–– First useful thing it's done since finding nude pix.

Natalie Portman calls Moby an 'older man being creepy,' denies relationship rumors
–– But not 'Dick'.

As Thousands of Taxi Drivers Were Trapped in Loans, Top Officials Counted the Money
–– Fare enough?

Eiffel Tower evacuated as man seen climbing the landmark
––Tourists!

Primal Scream frontman Bobby Gillespie sparks controversy by calling Madonna 'a total prostitute' for performing in Israel
–– More like primate scream.

Trump appears to confirm cyberattack against Russian entity during midterms
–– Which means it probably, might’ve, never happened.

Trump tweets threat at Iran: 'Never threaten the United States again!'
–– Is there foot-stamping emoji?

Iran says it will not surrender even if it is bombed
–– Admits crisis has driven teetotaler to drink.

Iran refuses Trump's offer of talks unless US shows 'respect'
–– Says sweaty Khameini tugging at tie.

A billionaire will pay off debt of Morehouse College's 2019 graduates. Here is what that gesture means
–– Like it says.

White FDNY lieutenant accuses official of removing him from color guard because of his race
–– So that’s ironic, right, Alanis?

’Rocketman’: Elton John Biopic is First Major Studio Film to Depict Gay Male Sex
–– Balaban blowjob in Academy-award-winning Midnight Cowboy released by United Artists 50 years ago doesn’t count?

In Australia, sausages have become a symbol of election day. Here's why
–– Which is bang-on, till ya read the buggers slather the snags with Tomato Sauce. Crikey!

Phillies manager Gabe Kapler says team understood that Bryce Harper comes with history of slumps
–– Real Slumplord.

9-year-old Burlington girl whose puppy was stolen dies after battle with brain cancer
–– Smile.

A viral photo of Alex Rodriguez on the toilet has many upset over privacy violation
–– No. 2 in order.

Super Gun: What Makes Glock's New 5th Generations Guns So Good
–– People dying to know.

Democratic Louisiana Gov. John Bel Edwards prepares to sign restrictive abortion bill
–– Blew state.

'The point is to overturn Roe v Wade': How a quiet Republican effort to limit abortion rights has blown up into a full scale attack on women's rights
–– Quiet? After 46 years of screaming bloody murder?

Nevada passes bill to no longer require doctors to tell women the 'emotional implications' of an abortion
–– Pro-lifers crap out.

Death row inmate dies 1 day after fellow inmate's execution
–– How…uh…romantic?

Deutsche Bank Staff Saw Suspicious Activity in Trump and Kushner Accounts
–– Couple of Deutsche bags.

Trump lashes out after report bank found suspicious transactions
–– And exposed dirty laundering.

Like humans, this dinosaur crawled before it walked
–– Had drinking problem.

Florida state attorney appeals judge's ruling to exclude Robert Kraft spa surveillance video from trial
–– Into elder porn.

Rare 'blue flower moon' will appear in Saturday night's sky
–– Rare because we just made up name.

Halle Berry knew this movie would be a flop while she was filming it
–– Y'know, which ever one she was currently filming.

Some Republicans unsettled by Trump’s sweeping claims of immunity
–– Expose him to Ebola virus and see.

GOP Rep. Amash becomes first Republican to call for Trump's impeachment
–– Sends Amash note.

Beto O'Rourke: U.S. Should Make ‘Serious, Sober Decision’ to Impeach Trump
–– Offers nation edibles to ‘chew on it.’

Arnold Schwarzenegger Kicked in Back at South Africa Event
–– Assailant: ‘I’ll beat back.’

Sammy Shore, Co-Founder of The Comedy Store, Dies at 92
–– Shore leave.

Jon Rahm Captured on Video Urinating During 2019 PGA Championship
–– Finished several strokes back.

How Pluto keeps its secret ocean warm
–– Plutonians pee in it.

Police stop McDonald's from selling milkshakes near Nigel Farage rally
–– And demand they serve Brexit Crappy Meals.

Nigel Farage hit by milkshake while campaigning for European elections in Newcastle
–– Police forgot to tell Burger King.

In Cities Where It Once Reigned, Heroin Is Disappearing
–– Gee, that’s great and thank god a 50x more powerful drug like fentanyl isn’t replacing it and causing more OD deaths. Phew.

Does Anyone Actually Want Joe Biden to Be President?
–– Does anyone actually care what Jill Filipovic thinks?

Ex-NBA star Lamar Odom admits to using prosthetic penis to cheat Olympic drug test
–– What a putz.

Nicolas Winding Refn Says His New TV Show is not a TV Show
–– Not even bad idea for one.


IRAN UP THE FLAGPOLE
Week of 05/17/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Critics accuse Trump administration of stoking Iran tensions
–– Ayatollah Khamania.

Yes, Roe really is in trouble
–– Wade and see.

Pictures showing Iranian paramilitaries loading attack boats with missiles are reportedly behind the US's sharp escalation of tensions with Tehran
–– Or fission poles?

U.S. House speaker: Congress has not approved war against Iran
–– Still waiting on OK for Iraq.

Trump administration's Iran threat claim disputed by foreign officials
–– Only conscious ones.

Trump Administration Has Little International Support for U.S.-Iran War
–– Netanyahu had to contact doctor for erection lasting more than 48 hours.

Trump reportedly pulled out of Obama's Iran nuclear deal without a backup plan
–– At least with Stormy Daniels he was thinking payoff.

The Best Way to Avert War With Iran? Fire John Bolton
–– Plus it would feel so good.

Grumpy Cat, the grouchy-faced furball that launched a thousand memes, is dead
–– Catnip abuse suspected.

Dennis Rodman accused of stealing 400-pound amethyst crystal in yoga studio heist
–– That downward dog!

KISS frontman Gene Simmons delivers briefing at Pentagon podium that has not seen a spokesperson in almost a year
–– Didn't make up.

Nancy Pelosi Won’t Even Take A Position On Contempt, Let Alone Impeachment
–– Won’t even say if she prefers bosc or d’anjou peaches.

I No Longer Believe House Democrats Will Uphold Their Constitutional Duty
–– I no longer believe House Democrats.

On-the-run ISIS leader is 'hiding out in eastern Afghanistan'
–– Busy, busy, busy.

HGTV 'Flip or Flop' Star Christina Anstead's Tangible Design Tips
–– And impalpable decorating hints.

FCC Wants Phone Companies To Start Blocking Robocalls By Default
–– Citizens want phone companies to Robocall Robocallers.

A Year After Cannes Splash Saudi Arabia Film Effort Subdued But Active
–– Still demanding final cut.

Chris Rock (yes, Chris Rock!) to reboot 'Saw' franchise and star with Jigsaw Killer
–– With Saudi backing?

Trump to follow sit-down with Hungarian autocrat by hosting Poland's nationalist president
–– Immortan Joe, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine scheduled next.

San Francisco bans facial recognition technology
–– Redeeming features.

Astrophysicist Joe Pesce discusses quantum computing experiment
–– Asks, "I'm funny how? I mean funny, like I'm a clown? I amuse you?"

Connecticut radio station rebrands itself 'Trump 103.3'
–– Or Shit FM.

CFPB Chief Says Education Department Is Blocking Student Loan Oversight
–– In interest of lenders.

Adam Lambert Gets His Groove Back With 1970s-Inspired 'New Eyes’
–– Was stashed in Freddie Mercury crypt.

CNN’s Jim Acosta accused of being dishonest about Trump's asylum seekers remark
–– By us here at Fox News.

HUD’s Ben Carson broke law with furniture order, GAO says
–– Hasn't table leg to stand on.

Judge confirms Trump associate gave feds Osama bin Laden’s number
–– Told them to call for good time.

White House leaves open possibility of invoking Insurrection Act to remove migrants
–– Or reviving Extra-Terrestrial Exposure Law.

The Onion turned Joe Biden into a lovable meme. Now one writer is apologizing.
–– Yeah, like humanizing Hitler.

Robert Pattinson Is Close To Becoming Batman And Twitter Freaks
–– Bruce Wan.

Mick Jagger, 75, Shows Off Sick Dance Moves Just 6 Weeks After Heart Surgery
–– Of course they’re sick, he just had surgery.

Trump Administration Cancels Nearly $1 Billion In California High Speed Rail Funding
–– Harsh training.

I.M. Pei, Master Architect Whose Buildings Dazzled the World, Dies at 102
–– Big Pei out.

Herman Wouk, Author of 'The Caine Mutiny' and 'The Winds of War,' Dies at 103
–– Wouk the dead.

Tom Petty's daughters say their late father's wife has illegitimately seized control of his estate
––And won't back down.

F-16 fighter jet crashes into warehouse in California
–– Of F-16 parts!

Grateful Dead drummer: We're disrupting nature's rhythms and killing our planet
–– Well, if you could keep damn beat.

The math is against Bill de Blasio 2020
–– So is the english, science, social studies.

De Blasio rounds out the Democratic presidential field (at least for now)
–– Provides fleshy bottom.

Stacey Abrams Says She Can Win 2020 Even If She Enters Race Months From Now
–– Might work better than Georgia strategy.

Elizabeth Warren's 'Hate-For-Profit' Label Might Just Stick to Fox News
–– Catchier than ‘Fair and Balanced.’

Video: Phillies Fans Boo Bruce Willis After 1st Pitch Bounces to Aaron Nola
–– Who knew yahoos were film critics.

Report: College Board will introduce 'adversity score' for SAT test takers' social and economic backgrounds
–– Not ‘urban curve’ or ‘uptown allowance.’

Hawksmoor restaurant accidentally serves diner wine worth nearly $6,000
–– Pees out same as $45 one.

Bob Hawke, former Australian prime minister, dead at 89
–– Hawke flew.

Trump Pardons Author of Flattering Biography of the President
–– Who was then accused of assault on history.

Alabama women worried new law means an immediate end to abortion flood clinics with calls
–– Threaten crimson tide.

Pat Robertson says Alabama’s abortion law is extreme and has “gone too far”
–– Senses fecal heartbeat.

The New Abortion Bills Are a Dare
–– Goad, fuck yourself.

Welcome to the World of Subprime Children
–– Sign entering Alabama.

Hershey’s Redesigns Its Chocolate Bar for the First Time in Over 100 Years to Include Emojis
–– Eggplant treat test marketed in West Hollywood.

Fever could kill a third of China's pigs. That's almost as many as are farmed in the US and Europe
–– Entire National People’s Congress spared.

Farmer amputates his leg with a pocket knife to save his own life
–– Left Swiss Army Knife with scalpel in barn.

Yasiel Puig Hosts 3rd Annual Poker Tournament at Harry Houdini Estate
–– Don’t bet on his escaping slump.

Stan Lee's Former Business Manager Charged With Elder Abuse Against Late Icon
–– Stan Lee douchey.

Trump Companies Were in the Red. He’s Reaped the Rewards Since
–– Lives in permanent Red State.

Trump Tower Is Now One of NYC’s Least-Desirable Luxury Buildings
–– Was before most-detestable.

Lindsey Graham has sold his soul to Trump
–– Worth one free round at Mar-a-Lago golf course.

America just had its lowest number of births in 32 years, report finds
–– Time’s Up, baby.

Monet’s 'Haystacks' sells for $110.7M, setting an auction record
–– Makes bale.

Jeff Koons' $91M 'Rabbit' sculpture sets new auction record
–– Koons skins cap.

Why Black List Founder Franklin Leonard Is Over Inclusivity Panels
–– Choir can already repeat sermon word for word.

Tim Conway, Star of 'McHale's Navy' and 'The Carol Burnett Show,' Dies at 85
–– Drop Dorf.

Alyssa Milano: Why the time is now for a #SexStrike
–– #SexSpare, #SexSplit didn't score.

Death count in crossbow case rises as two more bodies found in Germany
–– Swiss authorities tracking William Tell's movements.

This is what Kamala Harris' stepchildren call her
–– Pushy.

Montana Gov. Steve Bullock announces presidential campaign
–– Never mind the Bullocks.

Cannes Film Festival Director: ‘We’re Not Giving Alain Delon the Nobel Peace Prize’
–– ‘Yeah, he’s not Bob Delon.’

Trump welcomes Hungary's far-right nationalist prime minister after past presidents shunned him
–– Orban decay.

The Best Green Salad in the World
–– And what’s most exciting shade of off-white?

IPhone owners can sue Apple for monopolizing App Store, Supreme Court rules
–– Must rename App(no le) Store.

McConnell capitalizes on attack with 'Cocaine Mitch' shirts
–– Fans snorting 'em up.

Grim photos show filthy children as young as FOUR toiling for up to ten hours a day in mines, farms and factories across the US 100 years ago
–– From Mitch McConnell’s personal collection.

George Conway goes on tweetstorm against Trump calling the president a 'malignant narcissist’
–– Does seem to be spreading.

Trump mocks Democrats for 'pathetically untrue' claim that US is in 'constitutional crisis'
–– Triumphantly false assertion.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Says GOP Is Basically Dwight Schrute From 'The Office'
–– Schrute operators.

Why Dany's Big Twist Is So Disappointing to 'Game of Thrones' Fans
–– Sexist trolls doubt 'girl' could commit genocide.

‘Game of Thrones' Has Become a Cynical Clusterf*ck
–– *SPOILER* for final episode's final scene.

More than 330,000 ‘Game of Thrones’ fans sign petition begging HBO to remake season 8
–– Might as well write Red Witch to revive.

Silver King dies during London wrestling fight
–– Arya Stark suspected.

Shia LaBeouf, Mel Gibson Team for 'Rothchild' Satire
–– Gibson character responsible for all wars in world.

Doris Day, Hollywood's Favorite Girl Next Door, Dies at 97
–– In tomb next door.

Larry Kudlow Admits U.S. Will Pay Tariffs On Chinese Goods, Contradicting Trump
–– Statement of fact usually will.

Walmart says it will raise prices because of tariffs
–– Base pay.

Soon after Trump tweeted "China should not retaliate," the country announced new tariffs
–– Forgot to say ‘Simon says.’

China slaps tariffs on $60 billion in U.S. imports as trade war between Beijing and Washington escalates
–– Trader jokes.

Trump playing "a game of chicken" on China trade, economists say
— And no bigger coward than him.

Lack of innovation is 'Achilles heel' for China's economy, Xi says
–– Thought it was more 'too-tight foot binding.'

Trump readies up to $20B more in aid to rescue farmers from trade war
–– Promises Chinese will pay for it.

Trump declares himself 'your all time favorite president' as new China tariffs take hold
–– ‘You, the drooling moron with the head wound.’

Donald Trump had the best golf round of his life last month
–– And then swam Yangtze River.

Clement von Franckenstein, Actor in 'The American President,' Dies at 74
–– For now.

Kirsten Gillibrand is campaigning by living her best life. So why aren't voters responding?
–– Franken sense and demur.

YouTuber James Charles has lost almost 2 million subscribers since his feud with Tati Westbrook
–– Tata.

Boeing’s 737 MAX Could Fly Again Soon, but Risk Would Remain, Analyst Says
–– Could crash again soon, too.

President Trump Insulted Pete Buttigieg With a 'Mad' Magazine Reference. Mayor Pete Might Be Too Young to Get It
–– Yes, Mad last published in April, 2019.

Alex Rodriguez went on an extreme water-only diet so he wouldn’t 'look fat' at the Met Gala
–– Even wearing Depend underwear.

Ah, So That's What Bran Was Doing During The Battle Of Winterfell
–– Bran flakes.

Barr Jokes About Contempt To Pelosi's Face: ‘Did You Bring Your Handcuffs?’
–– How about scrotal clamps?

Attorney General William Barr jokes contempt in first 100 days 'must be a record' during Rosenstein farewell
–– Obstruction a pisser.

Trump says campaign was 'conclusively spied on,' calls it 'treason'
–– No conclusion!

‘Sports Illustrated' model Camille Kostek was told to adjust her measurements
–– C’mon! Only plus-size issue with her cover will be in male viewers’ swim suits.

Vice President Pence to graduates: Be prepared to be ridiculed for being Christian
–– Not as much as for listening to me, but still.

‘My Mother Called This Male Pattern of Behavior “Creative Incompetence”’
–– My father called this female pattern of behavior “Bitching”’.

The Marlins Are Sending Everyone to Spanish Class. Even Derek Jeter.
–– Now all can say ‘Apestamos!’

The Harvard law professor representing Harvey Weinstein is being removed as a faculty dean
–– Guilty until proven innocent.

Alvin Sargent, Oscar-Winning Screenwriter of 'Julia' and 'Ordinary People,' Dies at 92
–– Sargent slaughter.

Smoke, Drink and Eat What You Want, Norway’s Public Health Minister Says
–– Doesn’t have Swedes’ tooth.

Nxivm Trial: Sex Cult’s ‘Grandmaster’ Was Seen as ‘Some Kind of God’
–– According to defense attorney Mister Mxyzptlk.

Rudy Giuliani Cancels His Trip to Ukraine, Blaming Democrats’ ‘Spin’
–– Which cited ‘morality’, 'decency', ‘law’.

Bob Marley lyrics that still hold true today (and probably always will)
–– So long as you’re high.

Swarthmore college bans fraternities and sororities after allegations of racist, homophobic and misogynistic behavior
–– Might just need to ban students.

Chris Pine to Star in Black Ops Thriller ‘Violence of Action’
–– Title by SEO.


LOSER FRIENDLY
Week of 05/10/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Decade in the Red: Trump Tax Figures Show Over $1 Billion in Business Losses
–– Scrooge McSchmuck.

Beto’s Long History of Failing Upward
–– No Beto roses?

There Is No Way Donald Trump Actually Lost $1.17 Billion
–– Of own money he didn’t have.

Pelosi Declares Nation Is in a ‘Constitutional Crisis’
–– Downgraded from 'Apocalyse.'

Dow stages 450-point comeback, ends the day higher after Trump says China trade talks to continue
–– Stock market believes Donald Trump. Nuff said.

Fact checking Trump's claim John Kerry is in violation of the Logan Act
–– And Wolverine not happy.

With Trump tightening the trade screws, here’s a look at what tariffs have done so far
–– Screwed trade.

President Donald Trump chooses Patrick Shanahan as next defense secretary
–– After he aced minionship.

Denver says no to 'magic mushrooms': Historic vote on psilocybin unlikely to pass
–– No back shroom deal.

Luke Perry's daughter says he was buried in a mushroom suit
–– Not in Denver.

Brexit news: UK's exit from EU has 30% chance of being cancelled, Donald Tusk says
–– Two turds –– Farage, Johnson –– still support.

Uber Stock Slides in Disappointing Trading Debut That Followed Muted I.P.O.
–– Uber ill is.

‘We Wanted To Be Larger Than Life': Paul Stanley Of KISS On Almost 50 Years Of Rock
–– Ended up smaller than joke.

Unvaccinated teen gets chickenpox after lawsuit
–– We’re not going to gloat… Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Texas House LGBTQ Caucus kills 'Save Chick-fil-A' bill it says would be discriminatory
–– After much breast-beating.

Penis Extensions Are ‘Ineffective and Risky,’ Study Finds
–– Long and short of it.

Prince Charles Misused Influence to Shield Cleric, Abuse Inquiry Reports
–– Dubbed, we kid thee not, Peter Ball.

Exclusive: Documents Detail Meetings Of Russians With Treasury, Federal Reserve
–– Get ready to ruble!

North Korea launches two short-range missiles, at same time as U.S. ICBM test
–– Fat Kim, Little Kim.

Trump's Love of Kim Creates a 'Destabilizing Situation' Among Allies
–– Especially when he’s on top.

Trump Told Supporters Kim Jong Un Killed His Uncle and Displayed His Head
–– ‘What’s not to love.’

Trump Accuses Mueller of Being “in Love with James Comey” in Latest Incoherent Rant
–– “He’s kind of his Jong un.’

Comey: 'The FBI doesn't spy. The FBI investigates'
–– You say tomato, I say illegal phone tap.

FBI chief: No evidence of illegal spying on Trump campaign
–– Sting Wray.

Iran's move to stop complying with parts of nuclear deal could result in agreement unraveling, says expert
–– By Shi'a force of will.

U.S. Helped 12,587 Syrian Refugees in 2016. In 2018, 62. Now What, in 2019?
–– Yes, Now What!

Saudi Arabia Quietly Trying to Salvage Its Plan to Build a Film Industry
–– Should buy out Killer Films.

Turkey's Redo of Elections Is the 'Last Fig Leaf' of Democracy
–– Stuffed with goat cheese.

Party City is facing a helium shortage. It's also closing 45 stores
–– Can’t float loan.

I’m 63. She's 22. Here's What Most People Get Wrong About Our Marriage.
–– She married me for body!

‘Batwoman’ Teaser Shows Lesbian Superhero Guarding Over Gotham City
–– Especially ‘downtown.’

George Clooney Says Motorcycle Accident Used Up His 'Nine Lives'
–– So Hollywood cats get 10?

El Chapo's attorney asks a judge to intervene over 'cruel and unusual' prison conditions
–– Shouldn’t beat him like a mule?

Ayesha Curry addresses reaction to her 'Red Table Talk' confession: 'I am human'
–– Had there been doubts?

Renee Zellweger stars as Judy Garland in upcoming biopic 'JUDY'
–– You’ve been warned.

Anne Hathaway Broke Down In Tears Because She Was So Happy To Meet RuPaul
–– And his gown was so much more fabulous than hers.

Trump 'very surprised' about subpoena for son Donald Trump Jr
–– Expresses subpoenas envy.

Lara Trump on Don Jr. subpoena: This is harassment of our family
–– Discussing her ass.

Cashier brings newborn to work since her son is too young for childcare: 'Parents will have to find creative solutions'
–– He’s napping in $20 till.

85% Of Americans Haven't Changed Their Minds About Donald Trump Since 2016
–– Nor sheets.

Deputy Attorney General Rosenstein says farewell; Senate set to confirm his replacement
–– America hopes door hits him on way out.

Chelsea Manning Was Just Released From Jail. Here's What Happens Next
–– Endless tedious interviews, editorials, books.

Trump says Bolton doing a good job but has to temper him
–– Due to distemper.

Ex-GOP Lawmaker Shreds Trump Jr. Defenders: 'Embarrassing Level Of Sycophancy'
–– Not that most sycophancy inspires pride.

Top Dems Now Have Access to All But Two Full, Seven Partial Lines of Mueller’s Obstruction Report
–– Nine hard to comprehend, thirteen inelegantly worded.

White House Asked McGahn to Declare Trump Never Obstructed Justice
–– Which is um, er, y'know, obstruction.

Judge Napolitano: Barr’s ‘Foolish Attempt’ to Sanitize Mueller Report Was ‘Dumb and Insulting’
–– From dumb insulter.

House Judiciary Committee Holds Attorney General William Barr in Contempt
–– Like most Americans.

Alex Trebek admits he was 'writhing in pain' between 'Jeopardy' tapings amid pancreatic cancer battle
–– What’s TMI, Alex?

Charlie Munger: Democrats hate Trump 'so much that they're against him even when he's right'
–– Hate Munger.

Guns N' Roses is taking a Colorado brewery to court over Guns 'N' Rosé ale
–– And FTD over Axl Roses.

Jim Fowler, who hosted 'Wild Kingdom' series, is dead at 89
–– No evidence of Fowler play.

Sears has a new logo. It looks a whole lot like Airbnb's
–– Maybe they should rent space in empty stores to tourists.

Measles Outbreak: Opposition to Vaccine Extends Well Beyond Ultra-Orthodox Jews in N.Y.
–– Not only fanatics.

Why Wendy's brought back 50¢ Frosties
–– Diabetes rates flat.

The Next President Should Not Be a Man
–– Current one isn’t.

‘Only in the Panhandle': Trump chuckles when audience member suggests shooting migrants
–– Panderhandling to crowd.

Castro calls Trump a 'grade-A idiot' over immigration comment at rally
–– Huckabee Sanders: ‘President is grade-A+.’

More than 1,000 guns seized from a home in upscale neighborhood of LA
–– ARM interest rate shot up.

Why is bubonic plague still a thing?
–– Medieval nostalgia?

Don McLean Calls UCLA ‘Morons’ After Rescinding of Lifetime Achievement Award
–– Left with American Pie on face.

Ex-Giuliani Assistant '100% Confident' Prosecutor Rudy Would've Indicted Trump
–– 'If he didn't pay up.'

The meaning behind the royal baby’s name Archie Harrison
–– Family always called dad Jughead.

Laura Dern Embraces the Messiness of Human Life
–– More squeamish about amphibious kind.

Justice Brett Kavanaugh says judges 'owe our allegiance to the Constitution'
–– Laughing as Alito hands him beer bong.

Thanks to DNA sleuths, a Jane Doe killed 37 years ago might finally get a headstone with her name on it
–– Jane D’oh.

Why Mnuchin Doesn’t Want You to See Trump’s Tax Returns
–– He’s Buried Treasure Secretary.

Pompeo: Melting sea ice presents 'new opportunities for trade'
–– In rafts, life jackets.

Pete Buttigieg: God doesn't belong to a political party, but 'I can't imagine' God would be a Republican
–– Almighty on back nine at Pebble Beach: ‘Judge not!’

Georgia’s governor signs a controversial abortion bill into law
–– Fetus and butthead.

Additional actors, filmmakers boycott Georgia over new abortion law
–– Georgia off my mind.

New NRA president says Georgia congresswoman was elected because she's 'a minority female'
–– Official ‘a minatory female.’

Clearer skin, fewer vitamins: How a vegan diet can change your body
–– More sneers, fewer dates.

Why some health enthusiasts are drinking ginger
–– Good for what ales them?

Will Gene-Edited Food Be Government Regulated?
–– Just Frankenberry cereal.

This Is the Succulent for Your Zodiac Sign
–– You sap.

Michelin chef Magnus Nilsson closes Sweden restaurant to spend more time with familyMichelin chef Magnus Nilsson closes Sweden restaurant to spend more time with family
–– Escapes pressure cooker.

Paul Lo Duca: '57 Chevy helped Billy Wagner get umpire Joe West to expand strike zone
–– Didn’t take balls.

Nurse denied marathon world record -- because she wasn't wearing a skirt
–– Wins Guinness Record for Tiniest TimesUp Flap Ever.

New York Times: Former Trump inauguration official says she was 'thrown under the bus’
–– ‘And poor people ride in that. Gross.’

‘Lady and the Tramp’ Will Revamp Problematic Siamese Cat Song, Feature New Music From Janelle Monae
–– Disney will then have Lena Waithe colorize, redub of Song of the South.

Busy Philipps' E! talk show has been canceled
–– Idle chat.

Utah woman tried to put boyfriend into 'eternal sleep' by giving him drain cleaner, police say
–– Wanted to pipe down.

Sunscreen enters bloodstream after just one day of use, study says
–– Good news for flayed sun worshippers.

Someone left a coffee cup in a 'Game of Thrones' shot
–– Joe Snow.

Trump warns presidency is being stolen amid Mueller angst
–– Talk about petty larceny.

Trump: 'Best horse did NOT win the Kentucky Derby'
–– Too bad cheater didn’t have Electoral College.

Manager Alex Cora Won’t Attend White House Ceremony
–– Almost enough to make you tolerate Red Sox.

Melania Trump celebrates one year of 'Be Best'
–– Be bust.

What ‘Good’ Dads Get Away With
–– Off with their heads! Yes, ones down there.

Men Invented ‘Likability.’ Guess Who Benefits.
–– Feminists perfecting ‘hatability.’ Guess who suffers.

Trump Criticizes Social Media Companies After Facebook Bans Far-Right Figures
–– Jonesing for his Infowars.

Lily Collins Believes the Ghosts of Ted Bundy’s Victims Visited Her While Preparing for Movie
–– And pleaded, ‘Don’t do it!’

The Sheer Number Of Crimes Ted Bundy Actually Committed Is WILD
–– It’s scragadelic, baby!

Ted Bundy Kidnapped And Murdered His Last Victim In The Middle Of A School Day
–– Finally, he’s getting do credit.

‘Winnie the Pooh' Disney Voice Star Jim Cummings Accused of Rape, Animal Abuse
–– Pooh: “He was always like, ’How about a small smackerel of honey? Oh, bother!”

Teen Mom 2 Loses Major Advertisers After Jenelle Evans' Husband David Eason Allegedly Shoots Dog
–– Gains Kibbles ’n Bullets, Dog Ciao.

5 Guns That Might Be Better Than A Glock
–– Not for Glocksuckers.

Grey Worm Actor Was Yelling ‘Mike Pence!’ While Filming Battle of Winterfell
–– Name of White Worm.

Biden: Trump, Republicans allowing Jim Crow to return
–– As the Jim Crow flies.

Russian Embassy: Trump Initiated Putin Call, And It Was 90 Minutes, Not 60
–– Who’s counting during phone sex?

Russia's Putin scores eight goals in all-star hockey game
–– Not merely stars, but great actors.

Sanders pushes back against Biden's claim he's the 'most progressive' candidate in the Democratic field
–– Produces tie-dye bandana to prove it.

Trump debuts new nickname for Biden: 'SleepyCreepy Joe'
–– From ‘LazyCrazy Don.’

Nancy Pelosi fears Trump won't leave White House if he loses 2020 election by small margin
–– Might be lured out with trail of cheeseburgers.

Nancy Pelosi: 'Trump is goading us to impeach him'
–– Goad to it!

Cinco de Mayo isn't Mexican Independence Day. It's also not about mayonnaise
–– Unless you’re really wasted and use as sunblock.


BARR BRAWL
Week of 05/03/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em

Mueller Objected to Barr’s Description of Russia Investigation’s Findings on Trump
–– Flunked Barr exam.

Why Baghdadi Risked a Video Appearance
–– So proud of ombré beard.

The House's 'chicken' hearing on the Mueller report was totally dumb
–– Plucky, though.

Nadler delivers ultimatum to Barr before holding AG in contempt
–– You don’t have to wait for ultimatum.

Nancy Pelosi accuses Barr of lying to Congress: "That's a crime"
–– “Not that he’d know it.”

Hillary Clinton blasts Lindsey Graham's opening statement at the Barr hearing: 'An absolute disgrace'
–– Kill o' Graham.

MSNBC Hosts Calls Lindsey Graham Trump's "Human Shield" During Barr Hearing
–– More "cod piece."

Barr Defends Handling of Mueller Report Against Withering Rebukes
–– Withering heights.

James Comey Explains Why William Barr and Others Let Trump ‘Eat Their Souls’
–– Barr’s tastes just like Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.

Sen. Blackburn after Barr hearing: Democrats can't accept that Trump won and is serving well
–– As tool of Satan.

Roger Stone Judge Delays Ruling on Request to Unredact Mueller Report
–– Court needs to locate shit-load of Mr. Clean MagicEraser.

Trump, Putin discuss Mueller probe during call, White House says
–– Express regret they couldn’t high-five through phone.

Trump Says He Discussed the ‘Russian Hoax’ in Phone Call With Putin
–– And 'Invasion of Crimea', 'Poisoning of Litvenenko', 'Pee pee Tape.'

Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein resigns
–– Hands in yellow stripes.

Is Rod Rosenstein the hero of the Russia probe? Or the villain?
–– Or dupe?

Can Trump and Pelosi deliver something almost everyone wants and the US really needs?
–– Murder/suicide?

Trump says he leaned on God to survive Mueller probe
–– Sent Him threatening messages.

Kamala Harris responds to Trump calling her 'nasty'
–– By running off 2 million buttons with quote.

Trump calls report of FBI investigator meeting with campaign aide 'bigger than Watergate, but the reverse'
–– ‘Like if Teddy Kennedy broke into Nixon’s liquor cabinet.’

Trump staffers drank over $1,000 of liquor at Mar-a-Lago, and the White House picked up the tab
–– Will they pay to help us forget?

20 kg of meth accidentally shipped to elderly Australian couple
–– Last seen hoppin' like cranked roos.

Holy crap! Kentucky Derby winner’s manure up for sale
–– Helps grow crapgrass.

Conway Basks in Trump Economy Data: 'It’s (Still) the Economy, Stupid'
–– Apparently talking to self.

Kushner: 'Hands-on' Trump Helped Draft Middle East Peace Plan
–– ‘Grabbed those Palestinian pussies.’

Trump Administration Moves To Roll Back Offshore Drilling Safety Regulations
–– Promise spills, thrills.

Trump announces 'conscience objection' rule for medical care is finalized
–– Pro-choice, for doctors only.

Laura Ingraham Calls Into Fox ‘Hard News’ Show, Bashes Her Colleague Chris Wallace
–– Wallace more semi-flaccid.

Kim Jong-nam: Vietnamese woman freed in murder case
–– Kimpossible!

'Poms' Star Jacki Weaver Responds to Anjelica Huston's 'Old-Lady Cheerleader Movie' Comments
–– Pop pom and circumstance.

Diane Keaton Says She's Been Single All Her Life Because She's An 'Oddball'
–– And has had more than the odd ball.

Debra Messing Denies Plastic Surgery as Fans Question Her New Look: 'Getting Tons of Facials'
–– In latest slang for whatever Hollywood dermatologists do with glands of endangered species, pumice, baby's blood.

Maine man used unsuspecting father as getaway driver for bank robbery, police say
–– Told him gunny sacks filled with lobsters.

Hillary Clinton: 'I'm living rent free inside of Donald Trump's brain'
–– Talk about doodley squat.

Trump Keeps Saying He 'Never Met' People He Clearly Knows. Here's Why
–– Hillary rearranging furniture in brain.

Babbel Pulls Ad From Tucker Carlson’s Fox News Show Because It’s ‘So Repugnant’
–– Would like to see that translated into 50 languages.

Top executives at major opioid company found guilty of criminal racketeering
–– Will need something for their nerves.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Becomes a Bona Fide Movie Star in Netflix’s ‘Knock Down the House’
–– A sort of Shrilly Temple.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Shines Light On ‘Sloppy’ GOP Witnesses: ‘It’s Embarrassing’
–– Insists patriarchs tuck in shirts, straighten ties.

Ilhan Omar Blames U.S. Policy for Upheaval in Venezuela
–– Maduro’s CIA asset?

Joe Biden, 76, says he has no plans to limit himself to one-term in the White House
–– Views as long-term care facility.

’View’ hosts welcome Joe Biden with open arms, Meghan McCain brings him to tears
–– Open arms, protected scalps.

Joe and Jill Biden respond to women who say he made them uncomfortable
–– With warm flush.

Bernie Sanders draws sharp contrasts between himself and Joe Biden
–– Depends vs. Attends.

Biden Faces Conflict of Interest Questions That Are Being Promoted by Trump and Allies
–– And this 2,500-word NYT article.

O'Rourke signs 'No Fossil Fuel Money' pledge, returns donations
–– From Jurassic Park.

A looming problem has plagued Beyond Meat for years. Here's how the CEO says it plans to deal with demand as its rival Impossible Foods faces shortages.
–– Serve Nothing Burgers.

Sophie Turner Wore A Futuristic Spacesuit Before Marrying Joe Jonas
–– Every day?

Judge Overturns $128 Million ‘Bones’ Judgment in Huge Win for Fox
–– Broken 'Bones' cast.

Charlize Theron reveals she was hospitalized for 5 days because she 'laughed so hard' during 'Borat'
–– With busted gut?

Peter Mayhew, Chewbacca in 'Star Wars,' dies at 74
–– That’s the way Wookie crumbles.

Kevin Costner's 'Let Him Go' Adds 'X-Men's' Booboo Stewart
–– Sounds like mistake.

Patricia Arquette Explores The 'Toxic Codependency' Of Munchausen By Proxy
–– Is she promoting Hulu series or doctoral thesis?

Man arrested for indecent images after turning his gravy-covered computer into Best Buy's Geek Squad
–– Spilled his ‘gravy’ all over it.

Visitor crosses barrier and falls 70 feet into the Kilauea volcano's crater
–– Pele well pleased.

’Scientology’ cruise ship detained in St Lucia after discovery of measles
–– SSHole.

Family of Chinese student admitted to Stanford paid $6.5 million to Rick Singer, source says
–– IO-Yuan.

Tonnes of trash and human bodies recovered from Mount Everest
–– While practicing Olympics skeleton.

Woman Infected With Measles May Have Exposed 'Avengers: Endgame' Audience
–– In ultraslow version of Thanos plan.

Domino’s employee assaults co-worker over 'Avengers: Endgame' spoiler, police say
–– Like Ironman's fatal attack on Thanos.

Girl trains pet bird to attack whoever she wants and isn't afraid to use her powers
–– Ask two blinded ‘friends.’

How 'Boyz n the Hood' defined John Singleton's legacy
–– By being only decent film he made.

Stephen Moore expresses regret over 2016 comment about kicking the Obamas out of 'public housing'
–– DC scumlord.

Stephen Moore out of Fed contention
–– Fed to the wolves.

‘Game of Thrones' looked really dark on Sunday, and we don't just mean the plot
–– Even dragons carrying flashlights.

‘Game of Thrones’ Cinematographer Defends Lighting Choices for Battle of Winterfell Episode
–– After emerging from mole hole.

A hospice patient's final request was to watch the Battle of Winterfell. The 'Game of Thrones' cast did her one better
–– Described scenes she couldn’t see because they were too dark.

Incest in Game of Thrones - why Jon and Daenerys shouldn't have children
–– When they’re coming into their own.

Ex-Dallas Cowboy Jeff Rohrer Lives With His Husband And Ex-Wife
–– Flanked by tight ends.

'Tuca & Bertie' Creator Wants Men to Hate-Watch Her New Netflix Animated Comedy
–– Can’t they just hate-skip?

Soulja Boy sentenced to 240 days in jail for violating his probation
–– Brig deal.

Mayor of Baltimore resigns amid book scandal
–– Turns page.

PepsiCo sues Indian farmers over 'exclusive' potatoes
–– Chips are down.

Jamie Dimon: The US economy has been 'fundamentally anti-poor'
–– ‘And ain’t it beautiful?’

Chase told customers to stop splurging on coffee and cabs. You can imagine how that went
–– ‘Or on water and cardboard shoes for you poor ones. Mwahahaha.’

Whistleblowers: Company at heart of 97,000% drug price hike bribed doctors to boost sales
–– Had to do something with obscene profits.

Woodstock 50 Canceled
–– Boomer bust.

Oliver North’s Plan to Oust Wayne LaPierre at NRA Backfires, Now North Is Out as President
–– Face comically blackened by gunpowder.

Trump: ‘My sick idea’ to send migrants to sanctuary cities
–– Playing to debase.

Pompeo says Russia will still be meddling 'in 2050'
–– ‘If we’re lucky.’

Alphabet’s first-quarter sales fall short of expectations
–– Simple as ABC.

Mark Zuckerberg Shows Off Invention He Created to Help His Wife Sleep Better: 'Being a Mom Is Hard'
–– Dubbed Fentanylizer.

Dead people ‘will outnumber the living on Facebook’, and it could be a problem
–– Ask Mark Zombieberg.

Maureen McCormick is not happy with anti-vaxers using 'Brady Bunch' clip for their cause
–– For their measley cause.

Mississippi state flag ordered out of New Jersey park overlooking Statue of Liberty
–– Won’t Miss.

Harness-wearing whale was 'trained by Russian military,' researchers say
–– Ushankas dead giveaway.

Profitable Giants Like Amazon Pay $0 in Corporate Taxes. Some Voters Are Sick of It.
–– Not ones on their boards.

Trump: Jussie Smollett Case a ‘Disgrace to Our Nation’
–– ‘Sort of the me of dismissals.’

Look: New York Jets Joke About Signing Game of Thrones' Arya Stark as Free Agent
–– Plan to provide linemen with Valyrian blades.

New York Times says it is 'deeply sorry' for running anti-Semitic cartoon
–– In a pig's oy.

Why do so many Egyptian statues have broken noses?
–– Anti-Semitic cartoons.

Former Senator Richard Lugar dies
–– Lugar shot.

‘This Is Spinal Tap’ Band Reunites At TFF For Performance, Joined By Elvis Costello
–– This is slipped disc.

Olivia Wilde: ‘You Have to Look Beyond Resume’ to Make Casts More Diverse
–– ‘And, sometimes, ability.’

Deripaska Didn't Receive Polling Data or Briefings: Spokeswoman
–– Sasha Huckersky Sandersov.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Celebrates Son Joseph Baena's College Graduation: 'I'm So Proud of You'
–– Praises self/maid man.

U.S. envoy signed North Korea document to pay for Warmbier's care - Bolton
–– IO-Un.

Former US-North Korea envoy says Trump approved plan to pay $2 million to free American student
–– Used to promising payments he’ll never make.

Former U.S. deputy attorney general: If Trump was not president, he would be indicted
–– Rowdy Yates.

They wanted to explore a cave in Virginia. Now they're trapped
–– And have more time to poke around.

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