Joe Mama
Week of 04/26/19
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
President Donald Trump on Joe Biden's 2020 run: 'He's not the brightest lightbulb in the group'
–– From shortest match in mineshaft.
A Giant Bird Killed Its Owner. Now It Could Be Yours.
–– Mother's Day is approaching.
Trump: "Sleepy Joe" Biden Is "Not Going To Be Able To Do The Job"
–– Says Comatose Don.
Trump: 'I am a young, vibrant man'
–– ‘C’mere, Wilbur, come stand next to me.’
Biden Insists He Didn't Treat Anita Hill 'Badly' While Pressed For Apology On TV
–– Right, ‘abominably’ more accurate.
Gingrich: We are in a battle for the soul of America
–– Which we were sure we’d killed.
Chris Pratt's 700-lb. Pig Dies: 'This Was a Hard One,' He Writes in Goodbye Post
–– Gets sloppy.
From pig farmer to internet sensation: meet the viral star hogging the limelight on a Chinese streaming app
–– Chris Pratt extremely jealous.
New Mexico County Declares Local Emergency Over Abandoned Border Patrol Checkpoints
–– Checkpoint chary.
Jeopardy Wasn’t Designed for a Contestant Like James Holzhauer
–– One who knows answers?
How a parasitic fungus turns ants into 'zombies'
–– In lost George Romero short.
French Ambassador Araud: Jared Kushner Has 'No Guts'
–– Which is still more than brains.
Halle Berry, 52, shares sexy bubble bath picture in honor of Self-Care Sunday
–– In latest slang for ‘soap and grope.’
Corey Feldman wonders if Michael Jackson was grooming him
–– Always checking for body hair to comb.
Alcohol shops in Mosul reopen two years after its recapture from IS
–– Boy, have they earned a drink.
Months later, Trump closes in on U.N. nomination
–– After working way through entire Fox News roster.
‘Game Of Thrones' Star Daniel Portman Says 'So Many' Podrick Fans Have Groped Him
–– Sorta like Prodick.
This 4000-Year-Old Ancient Egyptian Tomb Was Just Uncovered But It Looks Freshly Painted
–– Dedicated to Ben Ja Min Mor.
The squirrels being raised among kittens in Crimea
–– Are total pussies.
The case against cats: Why Australia has declared war on feral felines
–– And co-dependent squirrels.
Lori Loughlin Reportedly Didn't Know Her Alleged College Admissions Bribe Was Illegal
–– Not like her parents got her into law school.
Trump Says He Had a 'Hunch' Obama Wiretapped Him
–– Size of Quasimodo’s.
Franklin Graham says Pete Buttigieg must 'repent' for being gay
–– Even Christ couldn’t forgive Graham’s stupidity.
Lost 'A Clockwork Orange' sequel discovered in author's archives
–– Droogie yowzer!
See chimp scroll through Instagram like human
–– See human use Twitter like chimp.
San Francisco Had an Ambitious Plan to Tackle School Segregation. It Made It Worse.
–– Blackfired.
Would Any Atrocity Turn Off Investors to Saudi Arabia?
–– Naw, something about men in long dresses always gets them hard.
Pentagon clears acting defense secretary of favoring Boeing
–– Shanahan, after removing tongue from Boeing Chairman’s anus, expressed relief.
Wall Street Journal: Trump Fed pick Stephen Moore says he will remove himself from consideration if he becomes a political ‘liability'
–– Political ‘Liability’ is on his business card.
UPS received 667 decks of playing cards for state senator who said nurses 'play cards' at work
–– Poke 'er face.
A Dark ‘Oklahoma!’ Brings Barefoot Modern Dance to Broadway
–– OK dookie.
Tesla lost $702 million last quarter, snapping its profit streak
–– That’s Thanos-level snap.
The list of Boy Scouts leaders accused of sexual abuse has nearly 3,000 more names than previously known
–– Lotta demerit badges.
US Navy introducing guidelines for pilots to report UFO sightings
–– 1) Make sure oxygen supply is on.
Deutsche Bank begins process of providing Trump financial records to New York's attorney general
–– Delivering in hazmat suits.
Facebook Expects to Be Fined Up to $5 Billion by F.T.C. Over Privacy Issues
–– Running special on destroying democracy.
‘Empire’ Cast Pens Letter in Support of Jussie Smollett Returning to Fox Drama
–– Empire of the scum.
President Trump meets with Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey after accusing platform of bias
–– Gets down in the tweets.
Ralph Fiennes on Directing Rudolf Nureyev Biopic: ‘It’s Been a Very, Very Long Road’
–– Has Rudy awakening.
Listeria and salmonella found in ice cream manufacturing facilities after recalls, FDA reports
–– Not the worst names for artisanal brands.
Trump should be commended for trying to save the US energy industry
–– Which just might be opinion of CEO of Canary, an independent oilfield services company in the United States, and a frequent commentator on oil markets and US politics.
Pipe bomb suspect Cesar Sayoc describes Trump rallies as 'new found drug'
–– For dope fiends.
Steve King says he relates to what Christ 'went through for us' after controversies
–– King of Kinks.
Henry W. Bloch, Tax-Preparation Pioneer (and Pitchman), Is Dead at 96
–– Fills in box
Armed militia on US border 'training to kill Hillary Clinton, George Soros and Barack Obama'
–– Morons tried to lure them with
Los Angeles News Anchor Warns Other Parents After Her Daughter Choked on Easter Candy
–– Haven't hear Peep out of them.
Maisie Williams reminds 'Game of Thrones' fans her family saw that sex scene: 'Kill me'
–– Gag me.
Kim Jong Un arrives in Vladivostok ahead of first meeting with Putin
–– Laughing Vladivostok.
Putin says North Korea willing to give up nukes in exchange for security guarantees
–– But unlike Trump, not stupid enough to believe it.
Daimler says it has no idea how Kim Jong Un got his limos
–– Benz out of shape.
North Korea presented US with $2 million bill for care of Otto Warmbier
–– If only he'd had Obamacare.
New York Times: Mulvaney urged Nielsen to not bring up future Russian election meddling to Trump
–– And steer clear of ‘mushroom dick’ asides.
Boeing’s profit falls 21% on the 737 Max crisis
–– Like ledger had MCAS.
Crack Pie is no more as Milk Bar changes name of famous dessert
–– Addicts spared heartbreak of insensitive pastry joke.
In pink, florals and short shorts, Bad Bunny champions a new masculinity
–– In latest slang for femininity.
Ex-MLB Player Eric Byrnes Breaks Record by Playing 420 Holes of Golf in 24 Hours
–– Greens fees bankrupt him.
Marking tires with chalk to track how long a car has been parked violates the Constitution, an appeals court found
–– And isn’t nice to boot.
Carson Daly criticized for being insensitive to infertility problems
–– Wasn't egged on?
‘CBS Has a White Problem’: Executive Blasts Toxic Culture at Network in Explosive Letter
–– Affirmative action 2019.
Melinda Gates: How I learned to see agriculture (and everything else) as a gender issue
–– 'It was when Bill was ploughing me…'
Elizabeth Warren says she won't get 'Hillary'd' in 2020
–– Because first she’d need to be nominated.
Lawsuit says spa patrons were illegally recorded getting massages in prostitution sting involving Robert Kraft
–– Videos all had happy endings.
Roy Disney's granddaughter thinks Bob Iger's paycheck is 'insane'
–– Like Mad Hatter.
Social Security won't be able to pay full benefits by 2035
–– Boomers: 'Awwww!'
Oscar winner Geoffrey Rush wins #MeToo defamation case
–– #RushToJudgment?
Actor Tyler Blackburn opens up about being bisexual: 'I just want to feel powerful in my own skin'
–– Then go fuck yourself.
Feud Could Reportedly Drive Harry And Meghan to Africa
–– In Range Rover.
Google CEO Eric Schmidt calls Americans' frustration with tech ‘a perception that the press has'
–– ‘Private opinions we’ve hacked are overwhelmingly positive.’
Tiger attacks Kansas zoo keeper after 'error' brought two together
–– Jungle cat inadvertently swiped right.
Singaporean woman filmed in school shower wants stricter punishments from university after Peeping Tom only given a semester suspension
–– Named Pei Ping Tom.
Extra security in Paris as Yellow Vest anger mixes with Notre Dame mourning
–– Quasimodo can’t find one that fits.
Trump mistakenly tweets millions dead in Sri Lanka explosions on Easter Sunday
–– Fraudian slip.
Sri Lanka's social media ban: Necessary or 'undemocratic knee-jerk reaction?'
–– Couldn’t it have included Trump?
5th grader from DC's Sidwell Friends School killed in Sri Lanka attacks
–– Now Americans can care about other 250 dead.
ISIS suspect gave advance warning of Sri Lanka bombings, source says
–– Ignored because didn't include 'Sunni said.'
Ecuador Detains a Friend of Assange. Critics Say It’s Guilt by Association.
–– With friends like that, who needs felonies?
Finland’s Hobbyhorse Girls, Once a Secret Society, Now Prance in Public
–– In latest slang for jill off.
Philadelphia 76ers' Larger-Than-Life Center Proving He's More Than Novelty
–– Though fans can still take selfies while trying to flip quarter on head.
Pastor asks students to spit, cut him as part of Easter lesson
–– Jam papier-maché crown of thorns on head.
School group taken from Logan International Airport to a hospital
–– On worst field trip ever.
Comedian Zelenskiy wins Ukrainian presidential race by landslide: exit poll
–– Last comic standing.
Weeks after Nipsey Hussle's slaying, many questions remain unanswered
–– 1. Why are we still reading about it?
Kanye West's Easter Sunday Service at Coachella Will Stream Live
–– Jesus spinning in grave.
Will Smith Appears at Coachella During Son Jaden's Performance, Raps on Stage
–– Giving audience booing options.
Jussie Smollett's Brother Pens Op-Ed Asking the Question: "What if Jussie is Telling the Truth?"
–– And what if humans lay eggs?
Clinton: Trump 'would certainly have been indicted' if not President
–– Wide privilege.
Trump claims 'nobody disobeys my orders,' defying Mueller's account
–– Adds: 'who understands them.'
As McGahn Emerges as Chief Witness in the Mueller Report, Trump and Allies Ramp Up Attacks
–– Chuck McGahn?
Top Democrat: Mueller Report's Potential Obstruction Claims Impeachable 'If Proven'
–– Wasn’t ‘proving’ Mueller’s job?
Giuliani rails against Mueller report as Democrats mull Trump impeachment
–– Right off the rails.
Romney on Mueller report: I am 'sickened' by 'dishonesty and misdirection' of President Trump
–– Ethical Mormon?
Jeff Sessions on Mueller report: 'Time to accept the results' and move on
–– To impeachment.
Poll: Trump approval sinks 5 points after Mueller report, tying all-time low
–– Imagine lower turd that still do.
Giuliani: 'There's nothing wrong with taking information from Russians'
–– ‘Like when they tell you how much incriminating tapes of you in hotel with hookers will cost.’
Giuliani: Report takes 'every cheap shot' imaginable
–– About unimaginable cheap shit.
Prodded by Putin, Russians Sought Back Channels to Trump Through the Business World
–– Then repeatedly ‘prodded his back channel.’
Why the Infamous Trump Tower Meeting Didn't Take Down Trump
–– God still dead.
WannaCry 'hero' pleads guilty to hacking charges
–– WannaLaugh.
He was wrongfully jailed for more than a decade. Years later, he died in a hit-and-run
–– Nickname: Lucky.
Japan’s 'vanishing' Ainu will finally be recognized as indigenous people
–– If they can be found.
Trump-appointed energy official: Climate change is real and we must lower carbon emissions
–– 'Are two things I never to say in front of President.'
Mystery remains found at 'haunted' hotel
–– In Lost and Fiend.
An Easter amid the ashes: Their churches charred, Christians in Louisiana and at Notre Dame Cathedral celebrate resurrection
–– Sorta Ash Sunday.
Lorraine Warren, 'Amityville Horror' and 'Conjuring' ghost hunter, dead at 92
–– For now.
No Conclusion!
Week of 04/19/19
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Mueller report unable to conclude 'no criminal conduct occurred' on obstruction
–– But can’t shan’t won’t conclude it did.
North Carolina governor vetoes 'born alive' abortion bill
–– Rejects da fetus attitude.
The Mueller Report Went from 'COMPLETE EXONERATION!' to 'Total Bullshit!' as Soon as It Was Actually Released
–– So, accurate portrait of Presidency?
Donald Trump Goes ‘Game Of Thrones’ After Bill Barr Spins Robert Mueller Report To Media
–– The Hound!
House Democrats Issue Subpoena for Full Mueller Report
–– Want piece of redaction.
Trump on Mueller appointment: I'm f***ed
–– No, us.
Chris Cuomo Suggests Timing Of Mueller Report Release Was Actually ‘Perfect’
–– Would be if it crucified thief.
What The Mueller Report Says About The Trump 'Pee Tape' Rumors
–– Does it go with flow?
Post-Mueller, Are the Conways Sleeping in Separate Rooms?
–– His and hearse?
Brian Williams mocked for 'Baghdad Bob' comparison to AG Barr
–– Response to critics: ‘Sod ‘em.’
Sarah Huckabee Sanders stands by 'sentiment' of misleading comments revealed in Mueller report
–– Sent a mental education.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Congress Not 'Smart Enough' To Understand Trump's Taxes
–– Or crooked.
Jared Kushner's Middle East Peace Plan Panned by Former European Leaders Before It's Even Released
–– Hellboy got better reviews.
BBQ business selling pro-LGBTQ shirts (standing for Liberty, Guns, Bible, Trump, and BBQ) sell out despite backlash
–– How guy is that?
–– Talk about empty threat.
Tinder and Bumble remove George Zimmerman from their platforms
–– Profile claimed he wanted to ‘stand my ground with special someone.’
Kevin Durant shows Clippers who he is in Game 3 Warriors rout
–– Produces driver’s license.
Florida middle school girls arrested after teacher discovered their plans to kill nine people, police say
–– Cancelled their finals.
Petition calls for removal of 2nd-grade teacher after 'absolutely pathetic' comment on student's work goes viral
–– Degrade point average.
Opioid crisis: US doctors accused of trading prescriptions for sex and cash in major scandal
–– Sex for necrophiliacs.
Great-grandmother fends off 300-pound burglar in his boxers with baseball bat: 'He better be glad I didn't have a gun'
–– She better be glad he didn't have briefs.
Avicii Remembered by Friends and Collaborators on the Anniversary of His Death
–– But just barely.
Roman Polanski Sues Film Academy to Be Reinstated
–– And have them ignore 'lude behavior.
Oprah Reveals What She'd Do If Gayle King And Stedman Slept Together
–– Leave Gayle’s bed?
Here’s why McDonald's is ditching its fancy burgers
–– Record customers already ‘ditching’ in restrooms.
Police officer responds to 5-year-old's emergency 911 call: 'Can you bring me McDonald's?'
–– Should’ve quarter-pounded him.
Bobcat attacks golfer on a Connecticut course
–– Goldthwait’s motives unclear.
How 'Curse of La Llorona' Gave Linda Cardellini the Shot She'd Never Had
–– Speedball.
Sports teams dump Kate Smith's 'God Bless America' because of her racist songs
–– Yankees will drop from seventh-inning neck stretch.
Swastika Acres, a neighborhood in Colorado, gets a new name
–– To Seig Heil Corners.
This Genetic Mutation Makes People Feel Full — All the Time
–– Like the Blob?
How Big Is Adam Driver in Burn This?
–– Like 1-wood.
Human Remains That Fell Out of a Cliff Found to Be 2,000-Year-Old Skeleton of 'Princess'
–– Researchers speculate she jumped.
Foldable smartphone is breaking for some early users
–– Making it even easier to fit in pocket.
A man was arrested with gas cans and lighters at St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York
–– Auditioning for candle-lighter?
Man Arrested With Gas Cans and Lighters at St. Patrick’s Cathedral Is a Philosophy Teacher
–– Obsessed with burning questions.
Ivanka Trump says she passed on offer from the president to run the World Bank: "He did ask me"
–– “And gave me Piggy Bank to practice on.”
Newly found letter from ISIS operatives offers more clues to Baghdadi being alive
–– And suspicions that 'Congrats on 1,000-year Caliphate!' was sarcastic.
‘We Pray For The Caliphate To Return': ISIS Families Crowd Into Syrian Camps
–– 'Because everyone else looks funny at these full-body burqas.'
How Pete Buttigieg handled anti-gay protesters shouting about Sodom and Gomorrah at Iowa rally
–– Took as back-ended compliment.
Pete Buttigieg Fired South Bend’s Black Police Chief. It Still Stings.
–– Woke Police.
Some ex-Obama aides see former president in young Indiana mayor
–– In porn fantasy.
Why the Media Dumped Beto for Mayor Pete
–– Media ‘experimenting.’
The Weather Channel knocked off air by 'malicious software attack'
–– El Niño suspected.
Brie Larson: I don’t know why "Captain Marvel" making $1 billion was "so hard to comprehend"
–– Did she actually watch it?
’Partly Alive’: Scientists Revive Cells in Brains From Dead Pigs
–– Because we haven’t enough pigs’ ideas already.
Doctors develop 'cure' for babies with 'bubble boy' disease
–– In burst of activity.
Trump administration targets so-called 'troika of tyranny' with wave of new sanctions
–– Worst DC Universe title yet.
Robert Kraft's legal team files motion to stop prosecutors' planned release of video in prostitution case
–– Public offers write-in support to be spared.
Alan Garcia, former Peru president, dies from self-inflicted gunshot wound
–– May he be inspiration to all corrupt politicians.
Modi’s Campaign of Fear and Prejudice
–– Modi Operandi.
Woman, 77, Ejected From Tesla, Struck By BMW and Killed on 405 in Long Beach
–– Unaware of James Bond-style ejector seat option.
Carl’s Jr. Will Test a CBD-Infused Burger
–– The Big Munchie.
After Nipsey Hussle's Slaying, Rival South LA Gangs Talk Peace
–– Put Crip in their style?
Cher calls Trump an 'ignorant thug with a lizard brain' after he applauds her immigration stance
–– Did she date him, too?
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's Relationship Has Reportedly "Improved Tremendously"
–– No longer the Pitts?
Baby T-Rex fossil listed on eBay for $3 million sparks outrage
–– Jurassic perk?
Eva Mendes Opens Up About How She Decided To Be A Mom: 'Ryan Gosling Happened'
–– In latest slang for ‘came.’
Wendy Williams Thinks Husband Kevin Hunter's Alleged Affair Went on for 15 Years, Source Says
–– Good thing she was too high to notice.
Milla Jovovich Stands Up Against Bad ‘Hellboy’ Reviews: ‘All My Raddest Films Have Been Slammed’
–– And rad reviews for baddest?
Melania Trump slams Anna Wintour as ‘insecure and small-minded’ after Vogue cover snub
–– Wintour of her discontent.
Michelle Obama just compared Donald Trump to a 'divorced dad'
–– Split from reality.
CNN Calls Michelle Obama 'Remarkably Unwoke' for Comparing Trump's Presidency to a 'Divorced Dad'
–– Especially with all the potential ‘divorced mom’ Dem candidates.
Michele Bachmann claimed that Donald Trump is 'highly biblical.' So ...
–– ‘Satan’ appears 27 times in Old Testament alone.
Dog found swimming 130 miles off the coast of Thailand
–– Fleeing stew pot.
Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies recalled due to 'unexpected solidified ingredient'
–– Tiny anchors.
The White House has reached peak ridiculousness on Donald Trump's taxes
–– Cruising at Ludicrous Speed.
Six minutes of sex and gore cut from Game of Thrones season premiere in China
–– Replaced by dragons, dragons, dragons!
Florida governor says 27 possible graves have been found near a controversial boys reform school
–– Which took expulsion seriously.
Viceland Cancels Nightly ‘Vice Live’ Series After Less Than Two Months
–– Month from now, viewer will say ‘Wha’? Whoa!’
Interior IG opens investigation into Secretary David Bernhardt four days after confirmation
–– Nearly wiped out six species in first three.
Trump’s advice to Boeing following fatal crashes: 'REBRAND' after fixing 737 Max
–– As Trumpforce One.
Canadian police are looking for a suspect who posed as a delivery person and shot a woman with a crossbow
–– Wearing red feather in green bycocket.
French billionaires pledge €600 million to help rebuild Notre-Dame
–– InSpiring.
Bee-wildering! Hives of Notre-Dame in miraculous survival
–– Sting their praises.
Notre Dame official says `computer glitch' could be fire culprit
–– Satanic malware?
The internet is already awash in Notre Dame conspiracies
–– Blaming Quasimodo sympathizers.
YouTube mistakenly links Notre Dame fire to September 11 attacks
–– Replaced with Disney Hunchback singing Out There.
U.S. court upholds most of California's 'sanctuary' migrant laws
––To protect displaced bell ringers.
Top Trump aides back his plan to bus migrants to sanctuary cities
–– And then throw them under bus.
Trump to award Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom
–– And free Mar-a-Lago green fees for year.
Tiger Woods apparently 'thinks about his sex scandal every day': report
–– Right after imagining boning nearest woman.
Protesters glue themselves to a pink sailboat in London
–– In sticky notes.
‘I stand undeterred': Rep. Omar fires back after Trump shares 9/11 video
–– ‘Or, considering Trump, under turd.’
Does DC Comics’ ‘Shazam’ Have a Post-Credits Scene?
–– Shazam drawls 'Shazam', turns into Gomer Pyle.
Why is ‘Star Wars 9’ called ‘The Rise Of Skywalker’? J.J. Abrams explains all
–– The Fall of Franchise too on the nose.
The Sweet Way Kit Harington Made Rose Leslie Feel Comfortable During Their Game of Thrones Sex Scenes
–– Sheathed his valyrian sword.
Rep. Jerry Nadler: Trump Has ‘No Moral Authority’ to Talk About 9/11
–– Because he has no moral authority.
George Foreman: 'All Is Well' After Police Believe Golf Cart Caused Garage Fire
–– Steak on grill in back ‘a little well-done.’
Vulgar or protected speech? Supreme Court examines 'FUCT' trademark claim
–– Company SCRUED.
Jack Ma endorses China's controversial 12 hours a day, 6 days a week work culture
–– Worker: It’s alright, Ma, I’m only bleeding.
Victims of 'human sacrifice' found by engineers laying water pipes
–– Below Jack Ma’s office.
Cannabis users needed up to twice the sedation for medical procedures, small study says
–– Mallet to head proves surprisingly effective.
Norwegian man's hilarious complaint to Ikea after getting a TESTICLE caught in one of their stools while having a shower becomes Internet hit
–– His third leg damaged.
Trump 'was making a joke' when he repeatedly said he loved WikiLeaks during 2016 campaign, Sanders says
–– A real pisser…down Democracy’s leg.
Bibi Andersson, ‘Persona,’ ‘The Seventh Seal’ Actress, Dies at 83
–– Persona non grata.
Bed Bath & Beyond to close 40 stores
–– Throw in towel.
A tornado destroyed the only fire department in a Mississippi community
–– Then fire burned only wind sock.
Pompeo says PM’s West Bank sovereignty vow won’t hurt Trump peace plan
–– Because there is none.
Police officer 'excused' after mistakenly using his gun instead of his Taser to shoot unarmed inmate in cell, DA says
–– Ruled just big teaser.
Embassy Sweeps
Week of 04/12/19
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
U.S. charges Assange after London arrest ends seven years in Ecuador embassy
–– Squatter ignored eviction notice.
Pamela Anderson: Assange "looks very bad"
–– She just noticed?
Hillary Clinton unloads on Assange, calls him 'only foreigner that this administration would welcome to the US'
–– And one she would most like to ‘separate at border.’
Snowden: This is a dark moment for press freedom
–– ‘And time for me to plead to His Munificence President Putin for more security.’
White House proposed releasing immigrant detainees in sanctuary cities, targeting political foes
–– Without Antiserum!
Trump Says He May Send ‘Illegal Immigrants’ Into ‘Sanctuary Cities Only’
–– Ones with understaffed Trump properties.
Crenshaw calls out Omar for describing 9/11 attacks as 'some people did something'
–– Bound to happen Sunni or later.
New York Post cover featuring Ilhan Omar quote infuriates Democratic colleagues
–– Is-lame-aphobia
–– Make that 'brainless', he has Trump base.
Chinese scientists defend implanting human gene into monkeys' brains
–– And reversing process for dissidents.
A White Restaurateur Advertised ‘Clean’ Chinese Food. Chinese-Americans Had Something to Say About It.
–– MSG whiz!
’Trivago Guy' Arrested for DWI After Police Find Him Asleep in Car Blocking Rush-Hour Traffic
–– Geico Gecko, Captain Obvious found safe in back seat.
Chef Thomas Keller Debuts "Timeless" NYC Restaurant: "Don Draper Could Be Sitting Here With His Girlfriend"
–– ‘She with her head in his lap.’
GOP lawmaker's 'PENCIL' resolution calls for Rep. Adam Schiff to be tossed from Intel Committee
–– All eraser.
Kim Kardashian Reveals Her Secret to Parenting Three Kids: 'You Just Have to Wing It'
–– ‘If it runs and a rifle is handy.’
Jack Dorsey’s punishing regime of ice baths and fasting is a futile rejection of pleasure
–– But does help him identify with Twitter user misery.
Trump's Fed pick Stephen Moore is a self-described 'radical' who said he's not a 'big believer in democracy'
–– A fascist, Moore or less.
Trump Nominates Clowns Herman Cain and Stephen Moore to Bring the Fed to Heel
–– In big floppy shoes.
Pence says Buttigieg bringing 'attacks on my Christian faith'
–– Gives him holy shit.
Scott Kelly Spent a Year in Orbit. His Body Is Not Quite the Same.
–– His orbs at permanent apogee.
Brunei defends gay sex death penalty and says it "focuses more on prevention than punishment”
–– No, chopping off other head does that.
Texas legislators considering making abortion potentially punishable by death
–– Say law "focuses more on prevention than punishment.”
Traveling as a trans person: It's complicated
–– Not just trans portation?
Jeff Bezos wants Amazon to fail more
–– Just like everyone else.
Omar Hassan al-Bashir Is Removed as Sudan’s President
–– Khartoum character in cell.
The Auburn gymnast who dislocated both knees now just hopes she can walk down the aisle
–– Praying standing up.
Tax refunds: Red states doing better than blue states
–– And blue bloods doing better than anyone.
Retiring as a Judge, Trump’s Sister Ends Court Inquiry Into Her Role in Tax Dodges
–– Can’t she convince brother to do same?
Joaquin Phoenix plays Jesus in a new film. Here's one thing he refused to do.
–– Wash feet of craft services.
’Bucket List' Screenwriter Travels Around the World in 1,460 Days
–– Something he never wanted to do.
“Death by Thousands of Needle Pricks": HBO's Executive Exodus and the Challenges Ahead
–– ‘By dozens of pricks.’
‘Games of Thrones' Actress Emilia Clarke Shares Photos From Her Brain Aneurysm Recovery
–– Threatens more if you don’t watch final season.
Kentucky congressman's genius rep takes a hit after he challenges John Kerry's ivy league 'pseudoscience' degree
–– Shouldn’t there be quotes around ‘genius’, too?
2020 hopeful Andrew Yang unveils plan to use 3D hologram to campaign in 'two or three places' at once
–– With 'three or four supporters' at each.
Kirsten Gillibrand is a human being who admits mistakes
–– True or false?
House Intelligence chair throws cold water on Cohen's bid for help delaying prison term
–– There was significant shrinkage.
Michael Cohen's usefulness to prosecutors may be drying up
–– Like cold water thrown by House Intelligence Chair
An Ancient Human Species Is Discovered in a Philippine Cave
–– Hiding from Duterte death squad.
Fan Sues Astros After Mascot Broke Her Finger With Launched T-Shirt. Does She Have a Case?
–– Orbit gun.
Politico: Trump criticizes George Washington for not better naming Mt. Vernon
–– Before returning to Whatchamacallit, DC.
Seymour Cassel, Actor in John Cassavetes and Wes Anderson Films, Dies at 84
–– Cassel in the sky.
Restoration of Holy Stairs Lets Visitors to Rome Follow in Pilgrims’ Knees
–– One way to cap trip.
Man with bizarre horse fetish busted twice in 24 hours
–– For publicly ‘busting his bronco’.
William Barr: ‘I think spying did occur’ against Trump campaign
–– In latest slang for ‘investigating.’
'Extinct' Galapagos tortoise believed to be found
–– In latest slang for ‘on a bender.’
Allegedly drunk woman twerks, flashes fellow passengers on Spirit Airlines flight to New Jersey
–– Demonstrates 'flotation device.'
What’s Next for The CW After the Ends of 'Jane the Virgin,' 'Crazy Ex-Girlfriend,' 'Supernatural,' 'Arrow'?
–– More crap?
Why Warner Bros. Hasn't Found LeBron James' 'Space Jam' Team Yet
–– NBA players with smart agents.
Charles Van Doren, 1950s Quiz Show Scandal Figure, Dies at 93
–– Answers to answers, dust to dust.
Pastor knew it was dangerous, but after Louisiana fires, he felt he had no choice but to sleep in his church
–– Until Ash Wednesday.
Black Hole Picture Revealed for the First Time
–– Or is it accidental iPhone pic of Lifesaver?
Tiny bees found in woman's eye, feeding off tears
–– Mycoplasma genitalium found in bee's eyes, feeding off them.
Fake 'mobsters' tried to extort $198K from a former pizzeria owner. They face 20 years in prison
–– No matter how you slice it.
Ingredient in whitening strips is harmful to deep layer of teeth, research says
–– To be rebranded Tooth-B-Gon.
Ex-Pope Benedict XVI breaks silence on church's sex abuse crisis and blames the sexual revolution and liberals
–– And subscriptions to Layboy.
Casimir Pulaski, Polish Hero of the Revolutionary War, Was Most Likely Intersex, Researchers Say
–– Had both kielbasa and pierogi.
Trump Says the U.S. Is ‘Full.’ Much of the Nation Has the Opposite Problem.
–– Has had fill of him.
MSNBC Host Claims Trump Yelled at Him to Lay Off 'Poor Young Kid' Stephen Miller
–– ‘Are you trying to tear us apart?’
Queerbaiting - exploitation or a sign of progress?
–– Or made-up controversy?
The rise of male 'modest' fashion
–– Zip it.
DeVos 'not familiar' with affirmative action guidance her agency scrapped
–– 'Affirmative' has more than three syllables.
Felicity Huffman pleads guilty, admits 'deep regret and shame' over involvement in Operation Varsity Blues
–– Left in huff, man.
Lori Loughlin Felt She Did What Any Mother Would Do, Report Says
–– If DeVos ever resigns, we have her replacement.
Lori Loughlin Edited Out Of Hallmark Channel Show After College Bribery Charges
–– Character replaced with potted ficus.
Smallville actress Allison Mack pleads guilty in Nxivm sex-trafficking case
–– Along with Mister Mxyzptlk.
Cuban baseball group criticizes Trump move to cancel player deal
–– Havana hard time accepting it.
Walmart is doubling down on robot janitors. Here's why
–– Automatically slobbish customers.
AMC Plans Third ‘Walking Dead’ Series
–– Beating dead horse.
Can Doctors Talk Teenagers Out of Risky Drinking?
–– Over a six or two?
Anna Wintour says it's time to 'stand up for what you believe in'
–– She believes in bobs, shades.
Jussie Smollett isn't the problem. We areJussie Smollett isn't the problem. We are
–– Remember that time we hired four brothers to rough us up, scream racist, homophobic slurs?
Chris Tucker and Jackie Chan reunite, tease possibility of Rush Hour 4
–– Call it ‘dated’, ‘has-been.’
Michael Avenatti releases documents alleging Nike paid families of top college basketball recruits
–– Sneaks attack.
Trump says he made snap decision to recognise Golan Heights as Israel's after 'quick history lesson' on Middle East
–– ‘Bibi sent one line tweet.’
Marc Jacobs Marries Candlemaker Char Defrancesco: Check Out the Star-Studded Guest List
–– After considering butcher, baker.
Program allows students to stay in school on Friday nights, principal hasn't lost a student to gun violence all year
–– And it’s already April!
Nunes to send eight criminal referrals to DOJ on allegations of lying to Congress, leaking classified info
–– And making fun of him.
Roger Stone Goes After Deceased First Lady in Defense of Trump
–– Dead ladies usually turn him on.
Obama Fears Progressives Are Too Obsessed With 'Purity'
–– Not a purity picture.
Scientists just captured a record 17-foot-long python in Florida
–– Their teens crush.
She lived for 99 years with organs in all the wrong places and never knew it
–– Church organ in right place for funeral.
About 1 in 4 Japanese adults in their 20s and 30s are virgins, says study
–– While sex dolls most experienced in world.
AOC responds to claim of 'Southern drawl' to black crowd
–– ‘Y’all cra-cra, my bitches.'
Israel election: Netanyahu wins fifth term as rival concedes
–– That he overestimated Israeli voters.
Beto O'Rourke: Netanyahu is 'racist,' doesn't represent 'true will of the Israeli people'
–– Except majority which voted for him.
Billie Eilish, Major Lazer to Headline Diplo’s ‘Super Mega Ultra Giant Mad Decent Block Party’
–– Loses by an Eilish.
Finnish journalist speaks out after Trump administration cancels 'Courage' award
–– Nice guys Finnish last.
Trump designates elite Iranian military force as a terrorist organization
–– Has he heard they're Republican?
R. Kelly's first post-jail performance was 28 seconds long
–– Girl relieved.
Ex-ICE head: Trump had 'single dumbest idea I've ever heard'
–– NOT referring to wall.
As Nielsen exits, few signs of optimism of resolving humanitarian crisis at border
–– Nielsen ratings plummet.
Donald Trump Used to Call Kirstjen Nielson Early in the Morning, Demanding She Stop Migrants, Report Says
–– Ones he imagined poised to invade bedroom.
'You're ordering me to stay': Mnuchin threatens to not return before Congress after grilling on Trump's tax returns
–– Like a bitch over troubled Waters.
Mulvaney vows Dems will 'never' see Trump's tax returns, despite renewed push
–– Eats them on live TV.
Kennedy reacts to Dems' tax demand: Sucks to be that dumb
––– ‘I should know.’
Ernest Hollings, a South Carolina Senator Who Evolved, Dies at 97
–– On the Fritz.
Trump lashes out at Mueller probe as release of report approaches
–– In sleep.
Trump belittles Democrats, says asylum seekers look like they're 'fighting for the UFC'
–– Ultimate Freedom Caravan?
Nipsey Hussle Memorial to Be Held Thursday at Staples Center
–– That wasn’t easy.
‘We Lost a Real One’: Nipsey Hussle Remembered at Staples Center Service
–– Highest praise since ‘that was interesting.’
Should we be searching for hidden spy cameras in Airbnbs and hotels?
–– You? Nah.
Piñata Mondatta
Week of 04/05/19
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump retreats from Mexico border closing, threatens car tariffs instead
–– Desperately hopes to avoid taco bowl ban.
McDonald's is shrinking its late night menu
–– Fries enough for munchies.
US auto plants would shut down within a week if border closes, economist says
–– But MS-13 ATV rentals would spike.
Fox News reporter wears a protective vest at the border and spawns hilarious memes
–– C’mon, he is black and border patrol is armed.
Trump suddenly pulls ICE nominee to go with someone 'tougher'
–– ICE-T? Vanilla ICE?
Barbara Bush saw Trump as a ‘symbol of greed’
–– That’s the bidet calling the toilet gold.
Trump hits back at Barbara Bush: 'She was nasty to me, but she should be'
–– ‘All American women should be.’
Brexit protests: Two arrested as ‘yellow vest’ activists block Westminster Bridge
–– Got lost on way to Eiffel Tower.
Brexit: Jean-Claude Juncker warns EU's 'patience coming to an end' as he urges MPs to find solution to impasse
–– April 12th May Day.
Trump Officials Are ‘Bending Over Backwards’ to Give Saudi Arabia Access to Nuclear Material, Senator Warns
–– Bending over forwards, too.
Donald Trump Says He Calls China’s Leader ‘King’ and Xi Likes It Like That Way
–– Calls Russia’s ‘Master.’
Turkish Elections Suggest Cracks In Support For Erdogan's AK Party
–– And not particularly funny ones.
The ‘Caliphate’ Is Gone. Where’s the ‘Caliph’?
–– Or Caliph Fate?
Tooba Gondal: Female British Isis recruiter asks to return to UK saying ‘we just want a normal life’
–– ‘Like average Tuesday in Raqqa.’
Australian ISIS fighter says he DIDN'T KNOW the group were terrorists
–– ‘I jes’ thought they was a few kangaroos loose in the top paddock, mate.’
Who Is Assata Shakur? Backlash After Conference With 2020 Dems Starts With Words of Activist And Convicted Killer
–– Real cop-out.
No convictions in Waco biker shootout that left 9 dead, 20 injured
–– Forget it Jake, it’s Waco.
The man who invented paint-by-numbers has died at the age of 93
–– Fills in space in ground.
Robert Pattinson Is ‘Sworn to Secrecy’ About Christopher Nolan’s Next Film But Says Script is ‘Unreal’
–– None of his scripts are believable.
Helen Mirren curses at streaming giant: 'I love Netflix, but (expletive) Netflix'
–– One way to express love.
Charlize Theron says she's 'shockingly' single: 'Somebody just needs to grow a pair and step up'
–– In penetrating comment.
Cats movie will see Taylor Swift, Idris Elba and more look like the size of actual cats
–– And X-rated scenes of self-cleaning.
Everything to Know About the Timmothy Pitzen Case After Boy Claims He’s Child Missing Since 2011
–– He isn’t.
Prince Harry and Prince William Have a Guys' Night Out With Dad Prince Charles at ‘Our Planet’ Premiere
–– ‘We could rather relate to that title.’
Scientists Thought They Had Measles Cornered. They Were Wrong.
–– Abetted by anti-vaxxers, virus gave slip.
Boeing Takes Responsibility For Both 737 Max 8 Crashes and Apologizes
–– After much self-inspection.
Boeing CEO accepts blame for two plane crashes, apologizes to families of victims: 'We own it'
–– Victims’ family lawyers: ‘Here’s the bill.’
Marvel Fans Are Reselling 'Avengers: Endgame' Tickets For $15,000 On eBay
–– List of gullible buyers worth 10x that to scammers.
Terminator star Linda Hamilton calls last films ‘very forgettable’
–– ‘At my age.’
Donald Trump's week of utter chaos sends a message
–– ‘I’m another typical week.’
Boys rescued from Thai cave were sedated with ketamine
–– Too young for Thai stick?
The Piano John Lennon Used to Write 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' Is Up for Auction
–– Looking for buyer on LSD.
Sriracha battle heats up as hot sauce company, former pepper supplier head to court
–– Expect chili reception.
Sears, After Years of Closures, to Open Three Small-Format Stores
–– Two selling lemonade.
7 products under $25 that will organize your pantry
–– 6) Own hands.
Rangers recover the body of the third visitor to die at the Grand Canyon in eight days
–– Park service to borrow Mind the Gap signs from London Underground.
Michael Cohen’s Lawyers Say He Could Aid Trump Inquiries, if Only He Had More Time Out of Prison
–– And wasn’t congenital liar.
Trump says he's not concerned with contents of Michael Cohen's hard drive
–– ‘I mean it’s so small, how many incriminating cancelled checks can you fit in there?’
MacKenzie Bezos is set to become the world's fourth-wealthiest woman
–– Earned it old-fashioned way.
MacKenzie Bezos Says She Is "Grateful" to Have Dissolved Her Marriage to Jeff Bezos
–– Thrilled she could return for 25% refund after 26 years.
Jeff Bezos’ investigators believe ‘with high confidence’ that Saudi Arabia accessed his phone
–– Alexa ratted them out.
Amazon is struggling to convince Prime members to go to Whole Foods. So it's slashing prices
–– On Prime rib.
Can Pete Buttigieg go from underdog to history maker?
–– Odds equivalent to you pronouncing name correctly.
Chasten Buttigieg Is Winning the 2020 Spouse Primary
–– Chasten tale.
O’Rourke: My Cabinet secretaries will hold monthly town halls
–– Snooze flash.
Moulton to decide on presidential bid in ‘next few weeks’
–– If he can find valid ID.
The Electoral College Was Not a Pro-Slavery Ploy
–– From guy who claimed it was.
Grassley: Trump's claim that noise from wind turbines causes cancer was 'idiotic'
–– Blows him off.
The Untold Story of Elisabeth Hasselbeck
–– Please, untell us.
Denise Richards Got Charlie Sheen's Blessing to Appear on RHOBH: 'I Respect His Opinion'
–– Which is kind of judgment that even had her considering show.
Micro 'skinny dipping' bikini with invisible straps comes with 'caution,' causes social media frenzy
–– Dangle Ahead!
What Hollywood Is Getting Right (And Wrong) About Colorism
–– Hue decide.
Prince Harry Says Social Media Is ‘More Dangerous’ Than Drugs And Alcohol
–– We’ll toke, drink to that.
Scoop: Trump expected to name Herman Cain to Federal Reserve board
–– Seeks to raise Cain.
Israeli lunar lander Beresheet is now orbiting the moon
–– Looking for parking space.
GOP Senator: 'Yeah, I Would Like To' See Trump's Taxes
–– ‘I could use a laugh.’
AOC reminds Trump in tweet about tax return request: 'We didn't ask you'
–– Fox News: ‘Not ‘didn’t ask you’ for the return, because Democrats actually did, but in response to AOC’s own imagined tweet summarizing Trump’s approximate response of “No, I’m ‘under audit.” Get it?’
Tucker Carlson: Talk show host threatens to 'duff this clowncake so hard his bowtie would spin around', after Fox News presenter's AOC insults
–– Is Clowncake something Duff Goldman makes on Food Network?
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Invites Queer Eye’s Bobby Berk to Help Her Decorate Her Office
–– Ooo, we’re praying she live streams it!
Newlywed downed 4 beers before flight, went on homophobic rant and attacked flight attendants on way to his honeymoon
–– Bride prays airline loses this baggage.
Rep. Tim Ryan announces he's running for president
–– Three days late for April Fools.
Ethiopian Airlines 737 Max pilots followed expected procedures before crash, aviation officials say
–– Was on hold with tech support.
Amazon Says It Was "Justified" in Terminating Woody Allen Film Deal
–– They watched what he produced.
Amazon Defends Cutting Ties With Woody Allen, Citing His Dismissive Me Too Comments
–– Best defense a good offense?
William Barr Can’t Hide the Mueller Report
–– Despite voluminous body cavity.
Some on Mueller’s Team Say Report Was More Damaging Than Barr Revealed
–– ‘It has to be, we’ve been reading the news the past two years.’
Barr concerned about low morale among LGBTQ employees at DOJ, he writes to Pride group
–– Couldn’t that be due to agenda confusion?
Appeals court narrows path for disclosure of grand jury info in Mueller report
–– Court certainly appeals to Trump.
Republican Senator John Kennedy Suggests Someone Could Be ‘Killed’ if Unredacted Mueller Report Is Released
–– Or, heaven forbid, be ‘impeached.’
How Is 'Us' Ending Supposed to Make Audiences Feel?
–– Confused, like previous 115 minutes.
The first African-American female mayor in Chicago history will be Lori Lightfoot
–– Not Chi about it.
Trump, again, falsely says his father is from Germany. Fred Trump was born in New York
–– Neo-Nazis appreciate wishful thinking.
President Trump Just Repeatedly Demanded to Know 'the Oranges of the Investigation'
–– Into his complexion?
You Can Now Watch the First Episode of Jordan Peele’s Twilight Zone for Free
–– And still feel ripped off.
Trump complains about Puerto Rico hurricane victims taking money from 'our farmers'
–– ‘Which we need to waste in trade wars.’
Why It’s So Easy for a Bounty Hunter to Find You
–– The antlers.
Robert Smith of The Cure's Hilariously Deadpan Red Carpet Interview Is a Social Media Hit
–– Viral Cure?
WWE Responds To John Oliver’s “One-Sided Presentation” About Vince McMahon On ‘Last Week Tonight’
–– ‘He should know exploitation takes a tag team.’
Former WWE stars back John Oliver after he slams Vince McMahon for treatment of wrestlers
–– Criticize pin head.
J.Lo Just Posted an Absolutely Insane Photo of Her Abs While Rocking a Neon Pink Bikini
–– Photo committed to state hospital.
Georgia politician apologizes for attending meeting for 'black press only'
–– Reporters used white-out.
Rick Reilly's New Book Details How Donald Trump Allegedly Cheats at Golf
–– Goes fair way in explaining character.
Why run for President? Blame it in the dopamine
––The dope I mean.
NASA’s Administrator Jim Bridenstine warns India’s anti-satellite test could be dangerous for the ISS
–– In media debris-fing.
Chinese kindergarten teacher detained after allegedly poisoning 23 children
–– They did get quiet awful fast.
For 17 months, a man allegedly poisoned his co-worker's food and water
–– Not very effectively.
Cuomo Suggests Ending New York Film Tax Incentives in Response to Failed Amazon Deal
–– In photo finish.
Baltimore mayor takes leave of absence while embroiled in book scandal
–– After taking leave of senses.
Michelle Pfeiffer Finds Her 'Batman Returns' Whip, Shows Off Her Catwoman Skills
–– Senior bats stiffen slightly.
R. Kelly's attorney expected to file motion Monday
–– Obscene dance move.
There’s a retirement crisis in America where most will be unable to afford a 'solid life'
–– Or diet.
Johnny Manziel knocked out of second AAF game with apparent concussion
–– Hard to tell difference with him.
Chris Rock Slams Jussie Smollett at NAACP Image Awards: ‘What a Waste of Light Skin’
–– Jus’ he?
Trump rips into 'pencil-necked' Schiff, 'sick, sick' Democrats
–– Geek to me.
Trey Gowdy: Adam Schiff did everything he could to make sure Hillary Clinton became president
–– In sick burn.
Women pepper spray, throw straws at McDonald's security guard in fight caught on camera
–– Cover Hamburglar’s escape.
Natalia Fileva, Russian Aviation Tycoon, Dies in Plane Crash
–– If God had meant Russian Aviation Tycoons to fly …
Pope Francis Says Barcelona's Lionel Messi 'Is Very Good, but He Isn't God'
–– Messi: ‘Beware or I shall smite thee, Vicar of Christ!’
Fox News apologizes for '3 Mexican countries' headline
–– Will revert to calling them banana republics.
13% of the world's companies are 'zombies.' That's not healthy
–– Especially when they’re eating government’s brains.
Behold the Beefless ‘Impossible Whopper’
–– Like Porkless ‘Unfeasible Boner.’
Murder charge dropped for suspect in Kim Jong Nam killing
–– Malaysian prosecutors' theory: Was most elaborate suicide ever.
The Rolling Stones postpone U.S. shows, citing advice of Mick jagger’s doctors
–– Who are also music lovers.
Mick Jagger will undergo heart surgery this week to replace damaged valve after cancelling Rolling Stones' tour, report claims
–– Heart of Stone.
Tania Mallet, Bond Girl in 'Goldfinger,' Dies at 77
–– Hammered.
Trump administration awards $1.7 million family planning grant to anti-abortion group
–– Not best-laid plan.
Justin Trudeau facing renewed calls to resign as secret tape escalates SNC-Lavalin corruption scandal
–– Trudat.
Rapper Nipsey Hussle dead after a shooting near Los Angeles clothing store he is associated with
–– Family of Nipsey Russell mourn passing of bizarre pun.
Nipsey Hussle’s Devastated Bodyguard J-Roc Quits Security Business
–– Looks for job at target range.
Melania Trump touts courage at State Department women's awards ceremony
–– She wants Purple Heart for sleeping with enemy?
Lucy Flores: I Want Joe Biden To Acknowledge That What He Did Was Wrong
–– ‘Except part where he got me back on TV.’
Joe Biden Says He Did Not Act Inappropriately with Lucy Flores
–– Like some head-pecked husband.
‘The View’s’ Meghan McCain Goes Off On Biden Accusers: ‘This Is a Hatchet Job’
–– Panel split.
Mika Brzezinski defends Joe Biden: He is ‘extremely flirtatious in a completely safe way’
–– Joe: ‘Gee, wasn’t it even a little dirty?’
'It’s so easy to Google "Creepy Biden"'
–– Depending on how many fingers you have.
Plastic Bags to Be Banned in New York; Second Statewide Ban, After California
–– Sacked.
Ancient whales walked on four legs and moved like giant otters -- seriously
–– And, like, Uncle Stu was playing croquet with Fred Flintstone. For real, dude.
Fossil Site Reveals Day That Meteor Hit Earth and, Maybe, Wiped Out Dinosaurs
–– Or maybe just rocked their world!
Alex Jones says 'form of psychosis' made him believe events like Sandy Hook massacre were staged
–– Dickso fever.
In Ukraine's election, a comedian might be voters' best choice
–– Rubber chicken Kiev.
George Clooney calls for hotel boycott over Brunei LGBT death penalty
–– ‘Or at least don’t order a Slippery Nipple or Sex on the Beach at bar.’
Judge rules Trump executive order allowing offshore drilling in Arctic Ocean unlawful
–– Unless it’s within quarter mile of Mar-a-Lago.
