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Red Grunt
Week of 08/30/19

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin in parody of From Russia With LoveRussian Official Praises Trump for Delaying Military Aid to Ukraine
–– In line for Hero of the Russian Federation.

Who are the biggest U.S. methane emitters?
–– After Trump?

Russia divides G7 leaders as Trump pushes for readmission
–– Between vertebrate, other.

Mattis Says He Loves America Too Much to Call Trump a Moron
–– 'Traitor' will do.

Mattis says he owes Trump silence, but won't keep quiet 'forever'
–– Silent, but deadly.

Trump’s Fed attacks happening for simple reason
–– He’s simple.

Trump personal assistant Madeleine Westerhout abruptly resigns
–– Westerh out.

Trump 2020 aide denies the President lies despite his repeated lies
–– Outscores Simone Biles in double flips.

Mark Sanford Says He's in the 'Final Throes' of Deciding on a Trump Primary Challenge
–– Before he throes hat in ring.

Passenger shamed for putting foot in baby's face on plane: 'Pour water over that nasty foot!'
–– Rest of body was in toilet.

John Travolta on His Kids' Lives Now: Ella is 'Generous and Gorgeous' and Ben Loves Fishing and Tennis
–– Number of arms, legs would’ve sufficed.

Bebe Rexha turns 30: 'I'm aging like wine, I get better with time'
–– Does Night Train ‘age’?

The 'entirety of Florida' could be hit by Hurricane Dorian when it makes landfall as a monster storm
–– MSM is praying.

Trump skips goodwill trip to Poland due to Hurricane Dorian
–– It’s goodwill tour for US when he leaves.

When it's hurricane season, people check the spaghetti models. Here's what they are and how to read them
–– Meet skinny Giovanna, that smile means she hates you and when Mirabella pauses on the runway she’s just passed wind.

Trump Trashed Puerto Rico On Twitter As Island Braced For Hurricane Dorian
–– Not first massive burst of hot wet air to hit them.

Russia Discovers Five New Islands After Arctic Glacier Melts Away
–– And Roald Amundsen’s keys.

Great Barrier Reef health outlook downgraded to "very poor" due to ocean warming
–– Credit rating ‘abysmal.’

A giant pumice stone floating in the Pacific could help heal Australia's Great Barrier Reef
–– Or at least buff the molluscs.

Beach Body Tyranny Hurts Men Too
–– And look how beached whales are ragged on.

Paulina Porizkova wows in green bikini at age 54: 'Do you realize that you have the body of an 18-year-old?'
–– ‘You should give it back, you’re getting it wrinkled.’

Comey Is Criticized by Justice Dept. Watchdog for Violating F.B.I. Rules
–– Didn’t take for regular walks, forgot to buy Milk Bones.

Is Low Testosterone Hurting Your Libido? Or Are You Just Aging?
–– Or is porn just not what it used to be?

Paleontologists discovered diversity of insect pollinators in 99-million-year old amber
–– In response to #CretaceousSoWhite.

Parasite Spread by House Cats Is Killing California’s Sea Otters
–– Somebody is where they don’t belong.

A 360-pound alligator that snuck up on a kayaker was captured after a 3-hour hunt
–– Kayaker snuck, up hit over head with oar.

NASA asks students to help name the next Mars rover
–– Prepared for Rovey McRoverface?

NASA chief says what we're all thinking: Pluto should be a planet again
–– And Disney should remake Pluto’s Party.

Nasa investigates space crime after ‘astronaut accesses partner’s bank account while on International Space Station’
–– To buy shitload of Tang.

Man who posed with fake shotgun convicted of inciting hatred against Muslims
–– And fake shotgun manufacturers.

Iranian footballer asks for 74 lashes to be done in national stadium
–– Better than Madonna show at halftime.

People are accusing this travel blogger of editing the same clouds into lots of her pics
–– Cumulo numb us.

Woman punched in the chest 'extremely violently' after dropping her bag on man's toe
–– Was bowling bag, but still.

23-Year-Old Woman Practicing Dangerous Yoga Pose on Balcony Ledge Plunges 80 Feet and Survives
–– Survives, but crushes dog facing downward.

Man who spent 36 years in prison for stealing $50 from a bakery is now set to be freed
–– Previously stole other dough.

Former Dallas detective famously photographed escorting Lee Harvey Oswald dies at 99
–– Rubyed out.

Student arrested after 2,000 rounds of ammunition found in his vehicle at a Nevada college, officials say
–– Exchange fire student?

Kirsten Dunst feels ignored by Hollywood
–– Dunst capped?

With Hong Kong in turmoil, questions grow over leader’s refusal to offer concessions to protesters
–– On the Lam?

Hong Kong police target high-profile activists Joshua Wong, Andy Chan and Agnes Chow in wave of arrests amid anti-government protests
–– Who look like juvenile offenders.

Senior DOJ official resigns after viewing porn on work computer
–– Deepfake BDSM scene between Barr, Trump.

Polling director acknowledges recent Monmouth survey was an outlier
–– And clickbaiter.

Trump's Plan to Host G7 at Doral Golf Resort to be Probed by Democrats
–– Putting cart before the whores.

Rep. Blasts Barr for 'Enriching' Trump By Throwing Party At His Hotel
–– Cash Barr.

White House shies away from locking in Trump's Doral resort for the next G7
–– But will make all participants buy membership anyway.

Eight Federally Charged With Running Largest Illegal Film and TV Streaming Services
–– Might end up in Binge House.

Venice Jury Head Lucrecia Martel Says Polanski Has Right to Be in Lineup But She Won't Celebrate Him
–– Meant with other suspects in front of cops.

Roman Polanski Compares His Rape Case to the Dreyfus Affair in New Interview
–– Was Richard convicted of pedophlia?

Brad Pitt Debuts New Tattoo of Man and His Shadow Near His Matching Ink with Angelina Jolie
–– Dick tat d'oh.

Cassie is pregnant and now engaged to Alex Fine
–– Just grunt if this means anything to you.

Eva Longoria lands directing gig for 'Flamin' Hot Cheetos' biopic
–– No word who’ll play Trump.

AGT's Gabrielle Union 'Strongly' Suggests Semifinalists 'Idiot-Proof' Their Acts to Succeed
–– ‘And don’t talk so fast.’

Fast food chains beefing over chicken
–– In expelling methane sense.

Inside Shake Shack's unusual global strategy
–– Have concrete plans.

Boris Johnson asks Queen to suspend UK Parliament ahead of Brexit
–– From ceiling over vat of boiling oil.

'The Johnson Coup': Newspapers react to Prime Minister's decision to suspend Parliament
–– aka The Todger Uprising.

Pound plunges as Boris Johnson’s bid to suspend Parliament raises no-deal Brexit fears
–– He always said he needed to drop a few.

Hugh Grant slams Boris Johnson in expletive-laden tweet over Parliament suspension
–– Loathe actually.

Brexit: Public to be urged to 'get ready' for no-deal in £100m advertising blitz
–– Modeled on classic ‘put-your-head-between-your-knees-and-kiss-your-ass-goodbye posters.

Trump blames Democrats for ‘nasty rumor’ of bedbugs at his Doral resort
–– Only there when he lays head on pillow.

Washington Post: Trump told officials he would pardon them if they break the law building border wall
–– Devil of mercy.

Trump sides with Brazil as its president rejects $20M from G7 to combat Amazon fires
–– Supports destructive inferno ‘100%’.

Bolsonaro bans land-clearing fires in Amazon for 60 days
–– While he retunes fiddle for next round.

Fact check: Trump falsely claims Melania Trump has 'gotten to know Kim Jong Un'
–– Was just few friendly sexts.

Meek Mill is no longer on probation, rapper tells cheering crowd in hometown of Philly
–– Been through the Mill.

KFC will start testing Beyond Meat fried chicken
–– Other other other white meat.

I went to the DMV in NYC to get my driver's license replaced. It took 90 minutes, and I was expected to use quarters to pay for a pen.
–– Oh, you poor dear!

The first picture of Emma Stone as Cruella de Vil is here, and it will reawaken all your childhood fears
-– Of sitting through terrible kids’ movies.

Trump dangles 'very big' trade deal in front of Brexit Britain
–– At least that’s what he told Johnson was behind zipper.

Aide Admit Trump Was Faking Those “Phone Calls” With China
–– In old days would've claimed it was Cindy Crawford on line.

Trump Defends China Stance Amid Worries About Economic Impact
–– Bent at waist, KICK ME sign pinned to backside.

Trump sends mixed signals on China trade war as pressure mounts to de-escalate
–– Vacillate between confused, deranged.

Kudlow Claims Trump Has 'Emergency' Authority To Order Companies Back From China
–– Presents him with over-sized red ‘Emergency’ switch connected to nothing.

Trump Calls Chinese President Xi a ‘Great Leader’ and ‘Brilliant Man’, Criticizes Media at G7 Presser
–– While holding pail of mud behind back.

Prince Andrew Will Cooperate With FBI’s Epstein Probe if Asked, Sources Say
–– If ‘pretty young agent’ is doing probing.

How a Ring of Women Allegedly Recruited Girls for Jeffrey Epstein
–– Jeffy’s Angels.

Sanditon sex scene shocks Jane Austen fans as ITV adaptation premieres
–– Not audience giving hand.

Olive Garden Denies Rumors It Donated To Trump Reelection Campaign
–– Unlimited fiddlesticks.

Lindsey Graham To U.S. Consumers: 'Accept The Pain' Of Trump's Trade War
––‘Like I do when Trump’s behind me, ‘pushing for readmission.’’

National Farmers Union Head Scorches Trump: He's Offended 'Pretty Much Every Ally' On Earth
–– Scorched ass policy.

Disney unveils new 'Rise of Skywalker' footage, 'Star Wars' fans lose it over Rey's double lightsaber
–– Make wee-wee in didees.

A Body Language Expert Breaks Down *That* Photo of Melania Trump and Justin Trudeau
–– Trudat.

Queen Elizabeth Reportedly Said Donald Trump "Ruined" Her Property
–– Shouldn’t have let him go on main lawn.

Tom Cotton: We Should Buy Greenland
–– One Cotton-dickin’ minute.

Dog-killing toxic algae discovered in 3 New York City parks
–– Disguised as dog walker.

Ditch the lines -- Quavo is selling Popeyes chicken sandwiches for $1,000 each
–– That’s a lot of spinach.

How Kirsten Gillibrand’s Presidential Dreams Unraveled
–– She ran.

In The End, No One Wanted A Me Too Presidential Candidate
–– For Gillibrand it was towards the beginning.

Biden pledges 'absolute wall' to separate relatives' business dealings
–– And Mexicans will pay for it.

Why the news about the Iowa caucuses is a BIG deal
–– To those of us who want you to click on this.

Republican Joe Walsh Will Challenge Trump in 2020 Primary
–– Life’s been good to him so far.

Friends’ Matthew Perry reveals what he did with the show's LEGO set
–– Made crack pipe.

A Georgia attorney thought a man hit his Mercedes with a golf ball. He ran him over and killed him, DA says
–– Burial hole in one.

Sophie Turner Claps Back After Being Shamed for Wearing Socks With Sandals
–– On the outside!

Trump ‘suggested firing nuclear weapons at hurricanes to stop them hitting US’, report claims
–– Or Death Star if that doesn’t work.

Jeezy did a forecast for the Weather Channel and predicted a high chance of snow
–– Yes, did mean cocaine.

Beto O’Rourke: Latinos Feel They Have Target On Their Backs Due To Trump
–– ‘So mine is tiny semi-circle.’

’Prince George Is Reserved and Princess Charlotte Is Outgoing': Inside the Royal Siblings' Dynamic
–– Book him on Open Table.

Trump claim doctors treating mass shooting victims 'were coming out of operating rooms' to meet him dismissed by hospitals
–– Claim or doctors?

Jennifer Lopez Had Stripper Poles Installed in All 3 of Her Homes to Prepare for ‘Hustlers’
–– Glory hole toilet stall in main residence only.

There could very well be a ...Has Fallen 4 movie
–– How about My Jaw…?

Trump’s New Economic Message: Reelect Him Or It All Goes ‘Down The Tubes’
–– It’s already down, does he mean 'gets squeezed out'?

Bill Maher Has No Tears For David Koch: “I’m Glad He’s Dead And I Hope The End Was Painful”
–– Deep in Maherning.

David Koch's Millions Remade the Republican Party. He Didn't Like the Results
–– He didn’t like the results?!!

An innocent man spent months in jail after customs officials thought honey he brought back from Jamaica was liquid meth
–– From Bee Highve?

A man was training to get a gun permit. The instructor accidentally shot him, police say
–– Wasn’t warning shot enough to get hm to study harder?

City Council candidate: Keep town as white 'as possible'
–– Bleached blind.

Trump threatens to raise tariffs on Chinese goods to 30% amid escalating trade war
–– ‘Or 3million-gazillion%!’

The Police Photoshopped His Mug Shot for a Lineup. He’s Not the Only One.
–– But they did give him biggest tits.

Can Virgil Abloh Fit in a Museum?
–– Could fit on rack in gift shop.

Babies Can Be Raised Vegan With Proper Guidance, Experts Say
–– But will properly hate parents forever.

Ikea and the Queen of Sweden are designing homes for people with dementia
–– Like, apparently, Queen of Sweden.