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Mike Drop
Week of 02/21/20

Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.

Mike Bloomberg holding a nicrophone while standing on books, a carton and moneyMichael Bloomberg Hit From All Sides in Spirited Democratic Debate
–– Had to get pretty low to reach shins.

Break out the tumblers. The price of wine is dropping fast
–– Join it!

What Joe Biden Told Mike Bloomberg After the Mayor's Shaky First Debate: 'Welcome to the Party, Man'
–– 'Early Bird buffets, Kalibers, 70s tunes, lotsa senior ladies who still rock.'

Elizabeth Warren's Epic Takedown of Bloomberg's NDAs Just Went to Contract
–– Has clause out.

In #MeToo era, Bloomberg's comment 'they didn't like a joke I told' could strike a nerve, experts
–– As long as experts struck aren't female.

The Nevada Democratic debate set a new viewership record
–– Hadn’t the Vegas idea.

Bernie Sanders 'got so close to running against Obama in 2012 top senator had to intervene'
–– Still regrets not fucking up that election.

Bernie Sanders distances himself from Ocasio-Cortez's comments, says Medicare for All is 'already a compromise'
–– Like Wile E. Coyote trying to tiptoe back to cliff.

Sanders Says Trump Would 'Chew Up and Spit Out' Bloomberg After Debate
–– ‘I would give him major indigestion.’

’Disown them:' Biden criticizes Sanders for supporters' online attacks
–– ‘Like great-grandchildren.’

How Democrats can negate the GOP’s “asshole advantage,” according to Dan Pfeiffer
–– Oh, Bernie brings the asshole.

Elizabeth Warren Tells Culinary Workers Union You 'Call a Woman' When You Need a Mess Cleaned Up
–– So wives belong in sloppy kitchen?

Pete Buttigieg says if Trump loses election and refuses to leave White House, he could ‘do chores’
–– Warren will provide maid’s uniform?

Elizabeth Warren to Billionaire Sheldon Adelson: Here’s Your Wealth Tax Bill
–– Adelson: ‘Here’s $2,300,000,000 in Monopoly money to pay it.’

Warren Urges Arizona to Reject ‘Cruel’ Bill Banning Males from Competing in Female Sports
–– Not even pole vault?

Amy Klobuchar blanks Pete Buttigieg and avoids shaking his hand at the end of Democratic debate
–– Had fingers crossed behind back in case he connected.

Mayor Pete Says He “Partnered” with Black Restaurant Owners, But They Disagree
–– They didn’t want people to think they were ‘like that.'

George Zimmerman sues Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren over tweets honouring Trayvon Martin
–– Stands his ground.

Stone sentenced to 3-1/3 years, Trump signals no immediate pardon for adviser
–– Will he drop like Stone?

Roger Stone heckled as a 'traitor' at final sentencing after outcry over Trump's influence on his case
–– 'Heckled' or 'appropriately addressed?'

Trump repeatedly struggles to pronounce words during conspiracy-laden rally, before suggesting he'll pardon Roger Stone in late-night tweet
––– Gross encounters of the slurred kind.

’I’M A SEXUAL CREATURE’ Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela is a porn star and aspiring erotic dancer – and says her dad supports her career
–– Unclothed encounters of the purred kind.

Devin Nunes Mentioned Nude Trump Pics Again And People Have Questions
–– Where's he store The Donald deepfake gay porn vids?

Russia Backs Trump’s Re-election, and He Fears Democrats Will Exploit Its Support
–– Putin two and two together.

Trump's approval rating hits record high as he mocks 'fake media' polls predicting he'll lose the election
–– He prefers Pravda media.

Why Putin would want Trump to win in 2020
–– Greatest mystery since Amelia Earhart disappearance.

Mulvaney says U.S. is “desperate” for more legal immigrants
–– Whatever could be keeping them away?

John Bolton Says His Testimony ‘Would Have Made No Difference’ in Trump Impeachment
–– Not to Senate accesories.

Trump Mocks ‘Parasite’ Best Picture Win: ‘What the Hell Was That All About?’
–– As he sucks life from body politic.

Donald Trump Torched Over ‘Gone With The Wind' Lament: ‘The Doggiest Dogwhistle'
–– Would've said Birth of a Nation.

New Jersey just raised its threat level for white supremacists to 'high,' well above ISIS and al Qaeda
–– On par with Sopranos.

Pepe’s Creator Knows That Stupid Frog Will Follow Him Forever
–– Til he croaks?

Recognition of Major Osage Leader and Warrior Opens a New Window Into History
–– Osage can you see?

Amazon’s first-ever employee says the company is big enough where it could make sense to break it up
–– He breaks up Jeff Bezos.

'We don't have a history of murdering our citizens': A Saudi official says reports that the Saudi Crown Prince is connected to the death of Jamal Khashoggi are 'ridiculous'
–– ‘But it’s never too late to make history!’

Ancient humans interbred with a mysterious, archaic population 700,000 years ago, a study found — it's the earliest known mating between different human species
–– And earliest detection of Trump base.

Archaeologists Unearth Possible Shrine to Romulus, Rome's Legendary Founder
–– Remus ‘majorly pissed.’

Egyptologists think they may have found the secret chamber where Queen Nefertiti was buried
–– Rival experts: ‘Tut-Tut.’

Sy Sperling, Founder of the Hair Club for Men (and Also a Client), Dies at 78
–– Wigs out.

Charles Portis, author of 'True Grit,' dies at 86
–– In true dirt.

Charles O’Brien, 86, Who Was Dogged by Hoffa Case, Is Dead
–– Hoffa nice day!

Former 'Love Island' host Caroline Flack dead at 40
–– Flack planted.

Trump Names Richard Grenell as Acting Head of Intelligence
–– Walk on.

“There is no fish in the ocean”: The future has arrived in this Indian fishing village
–– Is that singular or plural?

Chris Murphy says Zelensky promised to steer clear of Giuliani
–– Like any toxic spill-filled pothole.

Just 22% of Brits think Tony Blair was good for Labour
–– Only 23%

Britain’s row with Greece over treasures spills into Brexit tensions
–– Britain might lose their marbles.

Boris Johnson Under Fire as Fresh Rain Threatens More U.K. Flooding
–– Won’t rain put it out?

Prince Harry, Meghan Markle reportedly banned from using Sussex Royal branding
–– Must remove tattoos on asses –– hers and him.

Joaquin Phoenix Rescued a Baby Calf from Slaughter the Day After the Oscars
–– Steer's clear.

Sanders Speech Disrupted by Topless Anti-Dairy Protesters Two Days in a Row
–– Udderly ridiculous.

Rapper Pop Smoke Shot and Killed at Home of ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Star
–– Was a pop, then smoke.

Iran Presidential Adviser Warns Low Election Turnout Will 'Please' Enemies
–– Enemies must be ecstatic.

Iran’s Regime Is 'Terrified of Its Own People,' Human Rights Activist Says
–– People related to murdered protesters ‘scared of own government.’

‘I Feel Like This Is the End’: A Million Fleeing Syrians Trapped by Assad’s Final Push
–– Assad buster.

Turkey’s Erdogan says Syria talks with Russia unsatisfactory, offensive 'matter of time'
–– Doesn't scratch taste of blood itch.

Ben Affleck says an associate warned 'you'll drink yourself to death' if he didn't drop out of The Batman
–– Wasn't enough room in utility belt for flasks.

U.S. and Taliban announce first step in Afghanistan peace process
–– On each others’ toes.

Kate Hudson said that Tom Cruise crashed a party at her parents' house by 'scaling an 8-foot gate'
–– Mission: Imbecilic.

How to Watch Amazon's 'Hunters': Plot, Cast and Everything You Need To Know
–– About keeping eyes closed for hour.

’Back to the Future' writer Bob Gale says no to reboot: 'You don't sell your kids into prostitution'
–– So he’s not in film biz anymore?

Nicolas Cage Opens Up About Playing Two Nicolas Cages, Reenacting Old Scenes for New Film
–– Half-gassed for each.

Boss of Universal studio admits the Depp and Cruise-fronted 'Dark Universe' plan failed
–– Universally panned.

Blood started leaking into a man's apartment after his upstairs neighbor died, and he said his building supervisor refused to clean the mess or relocate him
–– Reconsiders lousy hoilday bonus.

My Husband And I Made A ‘Sex Painting’ And It Hangs On Our Wall
–– ‘Still trying to explain blue stains to my gyno.’

‘You Are A Pathetic Human Being, A Terrible Father, And A Worse Husband,’ Wife Tells Spouse
–– ‘But you never asked me to make a sex painting.’

Police chief strips down to underwear and storms out of meeting after being sacked
–– Is that your sidearm or are you just happy to leave me?

Germany: Mini-dinosaur fossil discovery hailed as 'sensation'
–– Saur heil!

Ancient Humans in the Sahara Desert Were Feasting on Fish 10,000 Years Ago
–– Land sharks?

What Does a Study of Slow Lorises Actually Say About Cat Allergies?
–– Any pet better than cat.

A Step Closer For The Use Of Robotic Snakes In Search And Rescue
–– Life-saving Slinkies still years off.

Astros cheating scandal shows no sports secret is safe
–– Birdie told us WWE bouts are staged.

I flew on Vietnam's award-winning budget airline known for its bikini-clad flight attendants 3 times in one week, and it was an emotional rollercoaster
–– From hills to valleys.

Jerry Lee Lewis Returns to Music: ‘I Thought I Would Never Play Again’
–– When he does, whole lotta shakin' goin' on.

How a City Decides to Buy This Ridiculous $2,000 Weed-Smelling Device
–– Who nose?

Florida May Not Re-Disenfranchise Ex-Felons Unable to Pay Court Fines and Fees
–– Ex-felons express vehement confusion.

Trump Falsely Claims He Is “Chief Law Enforcement Officer” of U.S.
–– Maul Cop.

Trump’s pardons of Rod Blagojevich and others meant to convince America corruption is OK
–– Was there still doubt after impeachment trial?

Blagojevich thanks Trump for commuting sentence and declares himself a 'Trump-ocrat'
–– You’re 'thug-ocrat'.

Trump’s pardon of Bernie Kerik also apparently wiped out Kerik's $103,300 debt to taxpayers
–– Payback's really a bitch.

Mark Hamill wants Trump to 'pardon' notorious 'Star Wars Holiday Special'
–– He can forgive crimes against humanity?

Trump Offered Assange Pardon if He Covered Up Russian Hack, WikiLeaks Founder’s Lawyer Claims
–– Quickie leak.

Yes, Dana Rohrabacher Dangled a Pardon in Front of Julian Assange. Just Ask Dana.
–– Attached to his G-string.

Jamila Wenske's Achtung Panda! boards 'Elbow,' 'Arabic Interpreter'
–– Goosesteps on.

Tiffany Haddish and Brad Pitt reunited 1 year after he joked they should date, but he wasn't feeling it anymore: 'He was scared of me'
–– Or sober?

Tom Holland on how he helped keep Spider-Man at Marvel with tipsy Disney call: 'It wasn't like I was smashed'
–– ‘Spidey senses were impaired, but I could walk a straight line.’

A 'fully preserved' couple that went missing over 80 years ago was discovered on the glacier where Chris Pratt filmed 'The Tomorrow War'
–– And still had more emotional range then star.

A woman's class ring that she lost in Maine in 1973 was just found buried in a forest in Finland
–– Condom boyfriend used for fumbling encounter nearby.

A ‘Quivering Mass’ of Mating Snakes Took Over a Florida Lake on Valentine's Day
–– Was like Spring Break in Daytona Beach.

Scientists Warn "Insect Apocalypse" Could Doom Humanity
–– A non-itchy, pest-free humanity, but still…

Listen to the new James Bond theme song by Billie Eilish
–– For your oys only.

Billie Eilish said Daniel Craig has to like the Bond song for it to go ahead: 'He's got a big say in it'
–– Strike up the Bond.

The White House Correspondents' Dinner is bringing back the comedy with Kenan Thompson and Hasan Minhaj
–– And someone who’s funny?

Ex-federal prosecutor: DOJ has a virus, everything Barr touches dies
–– Here’s list of who to hug.

Bill Gates bought himself a Porsche over a Tesla — and Elon Musk just called him ‘underwhelming’
–– Gates calls Musk ‘a lemon.’

Colorado skier dies from asphyxiation by his coat on a chair lift
–– Wasn’t breathable fabric.

Eating a Big Breakfast and Small Dinner Could Stop You From Becoming Obese
–– IHOP so.

It’s the Warmest Winter Ever and It's the North Pole’s Fault
–– Stas Klauski forgot to turn down thermostat.

The Antarctic Peninsula is setting heat records. They won’t stand long.
–– Records or icy peninsulas?

Sea Ice Loss Is Making Polar Bears Thinner, and They're Having Fewer Cubs
–– But sex is great.

Newly discovered species of snail named after teen climate change activist Greta Thunberg
–– Puts her in slime light.

Natural gas is a much ‘dirtier’ energy source than we thought
–– Has filthy mouth.

Ancient Food Eaten by Humans 65,000 Years Ago Discovered in Australia
–– Outback bison steak, bloomin’ onion.

Boy Scouts of America files for bankruptcy amid hundreds of sexual abuse lawsuits
–– Finances tied up in knots.

Pete Buttigieg's Husband Chasten: I Dealt With 'A Multitude Of Rush Limbaughs' Growing Up
–– Were scout leaders?

Buttigieg responds to Limbaugh's homophobic remarks: 'I love my husband'
–– Somewhare in 1950s time warp Limbaugh affects limp wrist, purses lip.

Pete Buttigieg quips he's 'a Microsoft Word guy' during Democratic debate and attracts instant Clippy comparisons
–– At least Clippy programmed for personality.

Plymouth Rock, iconic landmark that marks where the Pilgrims first landed, was vandalized
–– Suspect Plymouth Prowler.

Pier 1 files for bankruptcy
–– Takes long walk off short Pier.

Trump calls for Russia to stop backing Syrian 'atrocities'
–– Has atrocities of own he needs help with.

Biden: ‘Change the Transportation Structure’ to Reduce Congestion
–– Jam signals.

Joe Biden Confronted by Immigrant Rights Protesters Demanding an End to All Deportations
–– In his role as sitting VP?

‘Fantasy Island’: Here’s the Best of the Critics’ Terrible, Terrible Reviews
–– 'The pain, the pain.'

Kelly Ripa Still Follows an Alkaline Diet: ‘I Believe Inflammation Is One of the Great Killers’
–– Often sounds like she’s on acid.

Burger King launches meatless burger across Europe and tests new US options
–– Using catapult reaches Belarus.

Zelensky responds to Trump's claims: 'It's not true that Ukraine is a corrupt country'
–– Ex-comic still working on material.

‘Save our BBC’: New petition gets 108,000 signatures after Downing Street ‘vows to abolish licence fee’
–– Beeb Beeb your ass.

Sex Abuse Scandal At Jim Jordan's Old Team Will 'Get Worse' For Him, Warns Ex-Wrestler
–– That's a lock.

This Youtuber Pretended She Was on a Luxury Vacation in Bali, but She Was Actually Filming in Ikea
–– At kitchen island?

Trump’s Top Trade Adviser Peter Navarro Has a Side Project: Secretly Hunting for ‘Anonymous’
–– Maybe Dems should join –– individual might have Trump’s tax returns.

Smugglers helping migrants scale Trump’s border wall ‘using $5 ladders’
–– ICE: 'Get over it.'

Trump reportedly urged the CIA to hunt and kill Osama bin Laden's son instead of more pressing terrorist threats
–– #1 on hit parade.

Ed Dwight Was Going to Be the First African American in Space. Until He Wasn't
–– Experienced Dwight out.

Justin Trudeau Is Under Pressure to Resolve Wet’suwet’en Tensions. Good Luck
–– Like who can even spell it?

Rose McGowan Admits She ‘Lost Sight of the Bigger Picture’ in Slamming Natalie Portman
–– Global bitchery.

Megyn Kelly reacts to Jane Fonda announcing she won't get any more plastic surgery, 2 years after their tense interview
–– Gave her a lift.

When My Son Told Me ‘Getting Hit In The Nuts’ Is More Painful Than Childbirth
–– 'I kneed him to prove it.'

This is what Boris Johnson once said about people with low IQs
–– In moment of introspection.

Sen. Tom Cotton Still Pitching Debunked Theory About Coronavirus
–– He’s debunko artist.

They caught the coronavirus that's killed more than 1,700 people and survived
–– Among lucky 90%.

What's spreading faster than coronavirus in the US? Racist assaults and ignorant attacks against Asians
–– So 36 per 330,000,000?

Federal prosecutors weigh new charges that bring Lev Parnas investigation closer to Giuliani
–– Already in back pocket.

Twitter Users Name The Movies That Most Traumatized Them As Children
–– Now kids can be traumatized anywhere on smartphone.

‘Sonic the Hedgehog' races to best opening ever for a video game film
–– Quills competition.

More than 1,100 former prosecutors and other DOJ officials call on Attorney General Bill Barr to resign
–– Appeal to his better angels who .

Sen. Kennedy Urges Trump to Refrain from Commenting on DOJ Matters: ‘Tweeting Less Would Not Cause Brain Damage”
–– Too late for you, other Senate acquitters.

Trump takes lap around track to open Daytona 500
–– Limo makes 2 pit stops for flat tires, blown transmission.

World must 'wake up to the challenges presented by China,' says Defense Secretary
–– ‘Smell the tea!’