Payback's Duh Bitch
Week of 09/26/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
How Trump's new U.S. attorney got Comey indicted — by herself
–– Pretended she was in Florida small claims court.
Disney Reveals Streaming Price Hike Amid Kimmel Outrage Cycle
–– Classic Trump bump.
Meet Lindsey Halligan, the 36-year-old former Miss Colorado hopeful who only worked 3 federal cases before Trump promoted her to U.S. attorney
–– Way hooker worked street.
In trying to secure Comey indictment, US prosecutors have short window — and a difficult case to make
–– Short window on short bus.
Prosecutors' memo to new US attorney found no probable cause to charge Comey: Sources
–– We live in age of improbable.
Trump reveals why he’s weaponizing DOJ to target enemies like Comey as he heads to Ryder Cup in NY
–– He's spiteful, thin-skinned punk?
‘Your Countries Are Going to Hell’: Trump Airs His Grievances at the U.N.
–– ‘Come. Join us.’
Trump angered by ‘bad escalator’ at UN as White House vows to investigate malfunction
–– Threaten to deport to Kohl's.
Trump demands investigation into alleged ‘triple sabotage’ at the United Nations
–– He’s including own speech?
How Trump Strikes Radically Different Tones in Public and Private
–– Add schizophrenia to mental illness list.
’I Hate My Opponent’: Trump’s Remarks at Kirk Memorial Distill His Politics
–– Right back ‘atcha.
76 percent of Americans say Trump does not deserve the Nobel Peace Prize
–– Other 24% misheard Dumbbell Prize.
Charlie Kirk memorial to be on par with a state funeral in scale, security
–– In Moscow.
‘For Charlie’ — Trump and Elon Musk reunite at Kirk’s memorial service, months after stunning feud that appeared to end alliance
–– Beautiful how fanatacism, narcissism can bring folks together.
Tucker Carlson, Megyn Kelly and Glenn Beck among conservatives who will help complete Charlie Kirk’s college tour
–– All have been pre-proven wrong.
Cardinal Timothy Dolan, former Milwaukee archbishop, calls slain conservative activist Charlie Kirk a 'modern-day St. Paul'
–– Defrock this fock.
JD Vance Demands People Stop Using 'Nazi' As Insult And Gets Mocked
–– Insists it’s insult to memory of Führer.
The TV Boss Who Kicked Kimmel Off His Stations and Started a Firestorm
–– Sook a dick.
Trump slams Jimmy Kimmel’s return, says ‘We’re going to test ABC out on this’ because ‘last time I went after them, they gave me $16 million’
–– Really paid off.
More Than 100 Former ABC News Employees Call On Disney CEO Bob Iger To Make Clear Network “Will Not Be Silenced Or Intimidated By Political Pressure”
–– Prescribe Iger management.
Kelly Ripa, Mark Consuelos make rare political statement after Jimmy Kimmel's return: 'Understood both sides'
–– The must have degrees in cult psychology.
JD Vance Suggests That FCC Chairman’s Warning To ABC Stations Over Jimmy Kimmel Was Merely “A Joke”
–– He's Shecky Goering of administration.
Sinclair’s ABC Stations Did Not Air Charlie Kirk Special as Planned After Kimmel Suspension, Carried ‘Celebrity Family Feud’ Rerun Instead
–– Not Who Wants to Be Martyr?
Charlie Kirk's Wife Erika Was 'Genuinely Rattled' After Learning He Was 'Cursed,' Megyn Kelly Claims
–– Could hear when she shook head.
Trump Complained to Aides That People ‘Don’t Understand’ Epstein Situation Because ‘Palm Beach in the 90s Was a Different Time’: WSJ
–– But he was identical scumbag.
Stephen Colbert Says Trump-Epstein Statue on National Mall Wasn’t ‘Realistic’: ‘Trump Can’t Stand on One Leg!’
–– Unless he's urinating on hooker.
Bureau of Labor Statistics postpones key data report
–– Have to get their duck droppings in row.
Former Trump economic adviser Gary Cohn says tariffs are the reason you’re having a hard time finding a job
–– Commerce Secretary Nutlick, 'There will be plenty opening up in agricultural product extraction!'
Over 70% of H-1B visa holders are Indian citizens. Its government says Trump jacking the fee to $100,000 is ‘likely to have humanitarian consequences’
–– Think of all the coders on rice farms.
Tom Homan was investigated for accepting $50,000 from undercover FBI agents. Trump's DOJ shut it down.
–– Which he used for beauty cream.
White House says Tom Homan did ‘nothing wrong’ following reports he accepted a bag of cash
–– ‘It’s something President Trump does everyday.’
Kash Patel Wrote A Note To Himself During Disaster Hearing. Here's A Photo Of It.
–– Daily affirmation, ‘I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And doggone it, people still hate me.’
Keystone Kash Faces Backlash Over ICE Bullet Sharpie Post
–– Full metal jackass.
FBI fires agents seen kneeling in iconic photo during George Floyd protests five years ago
–– Racist agents rewarded for Chauvinism.
Hegseth orders rare, urgent meeting of hundreds of generals, admirals
–– He can’t find his car keys.
Gabbard Ends Intelligence Report on Future Threats to U.S.
–– Gabbard ends intelligence.
Stephen Miller’s wife brags about Trump strategist being a ‘sexual matador’ as Jesse Watters interview takes weird turn
–– Can he be deported to Mexico?
Trump links autism to acetaminophen use during pregnancy, despite decades of evidence it’s safe
–– Does excessive use of bronzer cause irreversible stupidity?
Tylenol-maker Kenvue’s stock has lost a quarter of its value in 6 months as momentum grows for autism link despite repeated denials
–– Executives pop Advils for massive headache.
For Trump, Who Has ‘Strong Feelings’ About Autism, the Issue Is Personal
–– Leaves him with barren feeling.
‘No Proof Whatsoever!’ Fox’s Dr. Marc Siegel Pours Cold Water On Tylenol-Autism Link Promoted By Trump and RFK Jr.
–– See, even veterinarian knows better.
Jonathan Turley said legal scholars were “bowled over” by the defense secretary’s dystopian vision.
–– Went from bad to wars.
‘The results were questionable’: Kari Lake struggles to admit she lost Senate and governor elections in deposition for VOA lawsuit
–– Ignorantly lying about indisputable facts to feed twisted ego? She is Voice of America.
'Vulgar, Like Trump': Critics Pan 'Grotesque' Image Of Planned White House Ballroom
–– Did it show proposed sphinx with Trump's head on White House lawn?
Donald Trump's Explanation Of Why He Did That To The Oval Office Is Going Viral
–– Leaks golden shower.
Would-be Trump assassin tries to stab himself in neck after guilty verdict
–– Again demonstrating unfitness for job.
Rachel Maddow Believes Kamala Harris Wants to Figure Out Whether Another Run Is ‘The Right Thing to Do’
–– If Democrats want President Vance.
Readers excited for Kamala Harris' new memoir '107 Days'
–– Fake news!
New book reveals what Kamala Harris 'moaned' to her husband during Walz's disastrous VP debate
–– Another man’s name!
Pete Buttigieg responds to Tucker Carlson’s ‘very specific questions about gay sex’ on Kara Swisher’s podcast
–– Left him Tuckered out?
Elon Musk’s Father Accused of Child Sexual Abuse
–– Is he angling for position in Trump WH?
‘This is Torture’: MTG Says George Santos is Being Held in Solitary Confinement With ‘No Windows’
–– Wait a minute, did Santos tell her that?
Alex Jones Makes Bold But Dubious Claim About New Mustache
–– Brushing up on his Hitler.
Mark Zuckerberg says Meta ‘misspending a couple of hundred billion’ in the U.S. would be ‘unfortunate,’ but ‘the risk is higher on the other side’
–– What, being insulted by human garden slug?
Putin Proposes One More Year of Nuclear Caps With U.S.
–– In red with MAGA logo!
In a Sudden Shift, Trump Says Ukraine Can Win the War With Russia
–– Fetid liquid in head sloshed left.
Trump’s blast toward Russia is a ‘negotiating tactic,’ White House says
–– In latest slang for ‘utter bullshit.’
Netanyahu flies circuitous route to UN summit ‘to avoid arrest’ in Europe
–– Genocide-steps law.
Netanyahu blasts 'shameful' recognition of Palestinian state; U.N. delegates walk out to protest speech
–– He embraces two-state solution: isolated and despised.
Liev Schreiber, Mayim Bialik, Greg Berlanti Among 1,200 Industry Figures Decrying “Discriminatory & Antisemitic” Israeli Film Boycott
–– Not to mention meshuggah.
Senior Hamas official defends ‘high price’ of Oct 7 for Palestinians, saying attack created ‘golden moment’
–– Instant when bomb hits target.
Iranian Diplomats in the U.S. Are Barred From Shopping at Costco
–– Denied access to pinnacle of consumerist evolution.
Sarkozy Sentenced to 5 Years in Libyan Campaign-Funding Case
–– Remember democracies with election laws?
The Broadway Musical Is in Trouble
–– Can't get any gayer?
Nate Bargatze Says He Didn’t Plan on Donating $250,000 to Boys & Girls Clubs for Emmys Bit
–– But weren’t gales of laughter, busted guts, split sides worth it?
Bruce Springsteen Keeps Slamming Trump Because ‘A Lot of People Bought Into His Lies’: ‘If Congress Had Guts, He’d Be Consigned to the Trash Heap of History’
–– If voters had brains, they'd have done just that.
Theo Von Demands Dept. of Homeland Security Remove Clip That Features Him: ‘Keep Me Out of Your ‘Banger’ Deportation Videos’
–– ICE out?
Pete Davidson Calls Out Social Media for Turning on Pedro Pascal So Fast: He ‘Blows Up,’ Becomes ‘Daddy’ and Then Everyone’s Like ‘Go the F— Away’
–– So from DILF to DILGTFA?
Mark Ruffalo Says Disney’s Stock Will Drop “Further” if ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live!’ Is Canceled: They Do “Not Want to Be the Ones That Broke America”
–– Mickey: ‘Screw you, commie. Uncle Walt woulda loved Trump!’
Alexander Skarsgard and Harry Melling on ‘Pillion’ and Bringing Awkward Sex Back to Movies: Zurich
–– O Sodom mio.
Charlie Sheen cut off by the Mexican cartel over his massive cocaine consumption
–– From a snort to a chuckle.
Priscilla Presley says Michael Jackson married Lisa Marie to look like 'desirable heterosexual man'
–– One of History’s Greatest Mysteries… solved.
Margot Robbie, Colin Farrell on ‘A Big Bold Beautiful Journey’ and More Original Stories: “Right Now Is a Really Good Time for Film”
–– “Not this twee flop, but, like, generally.”
Museum of Modern Art and Chanel Have Found a Film Benefit Honoree in Sofia Coppola
–– Were they searching in has-bin?
Marlon Wayans Responds to Negative ‘Him’ Reviews: “Innovation Is Not Always Embraced”
–– Crappy movies almost never.
Guess What's Not Outlawed in Peter Thiel and Don Jr.'s New Olympics?
–– Greek?
Christian author on the rapture that didn’t happen: ‘It gives Christianity and the Bible a bad name’
–– Or painfully accurate one.
The Curious Incident of the Dog in ‘The Night Watch’
–– Hond drawn.
Ditch the Dating Apps. Sit at the Bar.
–– Have 6 or 7 martinis. Hit on her.
'I Left The First Dinner With My Girlfriend's Parents After 1 Comment'
–– ‘You smell like you stepped in dog s**t.’
The New Nail Trend Causing a Sensation
–– Pain when scissors miss?
I’m an evolutionary biologist. I’m also a former creationist.
–– Case of unnatural selection?
8 Rules You Can't Forget When Eating At Cracker Barrel
–– 3) Plot clear route to toilet before being seated.
Barack Obama thinks adults shouldn't eat ketchup
–– And now, if he were president, he could ban it.
Turkey abandons bid to force doner kebab rules on Europe
–– Didn't slice it.
Amazon to pay a stunning $1.5B to Prime subscribers in historic FTC settlement — is there a deadline to claim the cash?
–– Ask Alexa in sarcastic tone.
Patagonia founder lived on $1 a day and cat food before making it—when he hit billionaire status, he was so angry he gave away his $3 billion company
–– Now lives on $3 a day and dog food.
Her Torte Will Outlast Us All
–– What flour did she use?
This gun store prides itself on stopping guns from ending up in the wrong hands. Then a customer was named as a mass shooter
–– Should be busting with pride.
10 doomed male animals, screwed by evolution and destined to live lives that are often brutal, short and unforgiving. When we're glad we are human...
–– 9) Trump WH interns.
Scary video shows tourist facing instant consequences after trying to pet wild warthog: 'View them from a distance'
–– Tooth or consequences.
Watch terrifying, close up footage of a great white shark stalking a lone, vulnerable spear fisherman deep in the ocean
–– While wearing gum-sole sneakers!
I got nose-to-nose with a mountain lion. It was scary –– and magical.
–– And I don't miss my nose.
A Hidden Mountain Valley Lost 72% of Its Bugs. That Shouldn’t Be Possible.
–– Oh, check that –– a more plausible 71%.
It looks like a bundled-up sheet of bubble wrap or a weird ball of jelly bubbles and is often found on strandlines – but what on earth is it?
–– A weird bundled and balled-up sheet of bubble-wrapped jelly bubbles.
Scientists Found 7,000-Year-Old Mummies in the Desert That Don’t Share DNA With Modern Humans
–– Maybe it’s how scientists asked.
As Texas flooded, key staff say FEMA’s leader could not be reached
–– Was drowning sorrows.
Redesigned umbrella is smaller than an iPhone
–– Guaranteed to keep either ear dry.
Why the White House is abandoning solar
–– Just not dirty enough.
