Carr Wreck
Week of 09/19/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Jimmy Kimmel's suspension shows power of FCC's Brendan Carr
–– Claims license to kill license.
Trump Is Shutting Down the War On Cancer
–– Being cancer on society himself.
‘Dangerous as hell’: Ted Cruz compares FCC chair’s threats against ABC to mob tactics
–– You should listen when devil tells you.
FCC chair once called government pressure on media a ‘chilling transgression of free speech.’ Now, he’s doing just that
–– Now you're gonna rag on guy for being right for once in life?
Former Disney CEO Michael Eisner Slams Bob Iger Over Kimmel Suspension: ‘Where Has All the Leadership Gone?’
–– The Iger sanction.
Jimmy Kimmel Asked to Apologize and Pay Charlie Kirk's Family if He Wants Suspension Lifted by Nation's Largest ABC Affiliate
–– Trump stipulates another $15 mil ABC payoff to him.
Jimmy Kimmel Shocker: Ben Stiller, Chris Hayes, Gov. Newsom and More Criticize ABC for Pulling Late Night Show Over Charlie Kirk Comments
–– Almost made dent in corporate Hollywood's deafening silence.
Trump Invokes Kirk’s Killing in Justifying Measures to Silence Opponents
–– Y’know, what Kimmel said.
People In The US Are Sharing How They Really Feel About President Trump Saying "Smart People Don't Like Me"
–– Not to sound 'smart', but loathe is not synonym of 'don't like.'
DOJ says Trump protesters could face RICO charges for yelling at him while he was ‘trying to enjoy dinner’
–– Didn’t his slurping, belching, farting drown out?
F.B.I. Head Says Note and D.N.A. Link Suspect to Kirk Killing
–– Make that Empty Head.
House Republicans threaten to cancel anyone who disparages Charlie Kirk
–– Try to strong arm Vatican to beatify.
Pam Bondi’s ‘hate speech’ comments lead even some conservatives to cry foul
–– Is ‘stupid c**t’ hate speech?
Pam Bondi threatened to prosecute private employee at a Office Depot for not printing Charlie Kirk vigil flyers
–– Would he bake him farewell cake?
Swalwell hits back at Bondi on hate speech, says she failed ‘to prosecute MULTIPLE direct death threats’ against him
–– Threat-bare response.
Donald Trump Jr. Believes Those Who Say Political Violence Goes Both Ways ‘Should Be Thrown Off the Air’
–– Admits he might go both ways like Charlie Sheen for cocaine hit.
Shapiro knocks ‘rhetoric of rage’ after Trump ‘scum’ remark
–– Not 'cant of c**?'
US Secret Service agent put on leave for 'karma' post after Charlie Kirk's murder
–– For being closet Buddhist?
Kirk Shooting Suspect Held ‘Leftist Ideology,’ Utah Governor Says
–– Show us his party card.
JD Vance vows retribution on liberal institutions after Charlie Kirk killing
–– That funded, armed him?
DOJ Quietly Deletes Study After Charlie Kirk's Death That Says Right-Wing Extremists Engage in 'Far More' Political Violence
–– Out of sympathy for left-leaning gunmen.
Jamie Lee Curtis Fights Back Tears Mid-Interview Over Charlie Kirk’s Death: ‘A Father, Husband and Man of Faith,’ Even If ‘His Ideas Were Abhorrent to Me’
–– Old pro nails acceptable liberal response.
‘Dukes of Hazzard' star John Schneider says Charlie Kirk assassination will spark 'louder and prouder' voices
–– So, gayer?
Arnold Schwarzenegger Says Charlie Kirk Was a ‘Great Advocate’ for ‘Republican Causes’ and Taking a Life ‘Because They Have a Different Opinion’ Is ‘Unbelievable’
–– Although basis of virtually every killing since dawn of time.
Karl Rove Rips Fellow Conservatives for Claiming an Unspecified ‘They’ Killed Charlie Kirk: ‘An Insult’
–– Imagine Bush’s Brain being conscience of utterly debased party.
Black Pastor Blasts Efforts To Whitewash Charlie Kirk's Legacy In The Wake Of His Killing
–– Ain’t enough lye in hell.
Washington Post Columnist Karen Attiah Said She Was Fired Over Her Social Media Comments In Aftermath Of Killing Of Charlie Kirk
–– Don’t speak ‘racist’ of dead.
Barack Obama Responds to Charlie Kirk’s Jab at Michelle’s Intelligence, Says Disagreeing Is ‘Not Me Politicizing’ the Shooting
–– Hate the racism, love the racist?
Kirk’s Wife Reveals What His Priority Would Have Been as President
–– Does grief often lead to massive delusion?
At a gun show in Utah, sadness that 'one of our own' is accused of killing Charlie Kirk
–– Guess irony never made it out there with Joseph Smith.
Trump Claims He 'Would Have' Ordered Flags Lowered For Slain Minnesota Lawmaker If Asked
–– By her?
Barnard President: Now Is the Time for Colleges to Host Difficult Speakers
–– With surtitles?
There’s no ‘material inflation from tariffs,’ says new central banker Stephen Miran
–– In latest Miranic assertion.
Jerome Powell calls the Fed’s rate reduction a ‘risk management cut’
–– ‘Risk to my job and neck.’
Jerome Powell says the Gen Z hiring nightmare is real: ‘Kids coming out of college…are having a hard time finding jobs’
–– The working with Gen Z nightmare real, too.
Lutnick says Musk was ‘backward’ in cutting government
–– Nutlick: ‘Why not embrace perfectly sensible economic policies, like 50% tariffs on allies?’
Why stocks keep going up even as the economy softens
–– Because unemployed are workers big shots don’t need to pay.
Trump Says SEC Should Require Public Companies to Report Results Every Six Months, Instead of Quarterly
–– So they can slow-cook books.
How the Trump tariffs boomerang to hurt U.S. winemakers
–– And every American consumer.
Trump’s FBI Director Sparks Fury By Testifying No Evidence Exists Epstein Trafficked Victims to Others
–– He means hard evidence –– the kind that makes him hard.
‘Give Me a Reminder?’ Kash Patel Asks Dem Who Dylann Roof Was
–– ‘Oh, killed nine Black people in Charleston ten years ago? I thought you meant the actor in the Maze Runner movies. Did you see those?’
‘My job is to prosecute’: Jeanine Pirro carries out Trump’s crime crackdown with gusto. But her DC office is in turmoil
–– Poorly.
Trump Announced The National Guard Isn't Going To Chicago Anymore. They're Headed To This "Deeply Troubled" Blue City Instead
–– And he knows personally from ‘deeply troubled.’
“All it takes is one fishing boat with a broken radio or people who don’t speak English and you’re killing innocent civilians,” Kennedy warned.
–– Hegseth, ‘Yeah, pretty cool, huh?’
Trump claims 300M drug deaths despite 340M US population
–– Meant brain cells he’d lost since breakfast.
Deputy Attorney General Todd Blanche breaks silence on meeting with Ghislaine Maxwell
–– Mikes a bowel movement.
Trump DOJ sued by Epstein prosecutor Maurene Comey over ‘illegal’ firing
–– Deserves Comey-uppence.
Trump Files $15 Billion Defamation Suit Against The New York Times
–– We're not saying it's pure bulls**t…
Judge strikes down Trump’s $15 billion suit against the New York Times
–– …just 99%.
‘Fox & Friends’ Host Brian Kilmeade Apologizes for Saying Homeless Should Be Euthanized: ‘Extremely Callous’
–– Realizes would apply to him if phrased ‘brainless.’
Trump Says White House’s Lavish New Ballroom Will Be ‘a Little Bigger’ Than Original Plans, With Almost 40% More Guest Capacity
–– Make that ‘donor capacity.’
Vaccine Panel Postpones One Vote and Reverses Another Amid Confusion
–– Confusion symptom of chronic mythologizing, infectious stupidity.
Trump, 79, Shows Cankles as He Gingerly Descends From Air Force One
–– It’s swollen, discolored mass above neck that’s more concerning.
Trump heads to U.K. for carefully choreographed state visit
–– Will be danse macabre for fading Trump & Charles.
Donald & Melania Trump Asked for Separate Suites at Windsor Castle, Says Source
–– Royals asked for separate wing.
Look of the Week: At Windsor Castle, Melania Trump was utterly inscrutable — until she wasn’t
–– Not like old Epstein days when she was eminently screwable.
The first lady and the princess: Two high-profile but private women prepare to meet on the world stage
–– Will need team of translators.
Channel 4 Marking Donald Trump’s Visit To UK With “Longest Uninterrupted Reel Of Untruths Ever Broadcast On Television”
–– Several hours of air time will only scratch scummy surface.
Biden should not have run for re-election, Pete Buttigieg tells NBC
–– Just imagine disaster if Democrat actually beat Trump.
Past presidents have hit a financial windfall after leaving office. Biden is struggling to find work
–– Loser!
Fetterman says Democrats have ‘forgotten why we lost’ and Trump is ‘not an autocrat’
–– Fetterman has forgotten what he had for breakfast and he’s voice of party?
He Fled Putin’s War. The U.S. Deported Him to a Russian Jail.
–– Putin didn’t even have to say please.
Russia Made Drone Production a Supreme Priority. Now It Swarms the Skies.
–– So… obviously?
Israeli military begins ground invasion of Gaza City
–– Bent on flattening rubble.
French First Lady Brigitte Macron Will Present Court with Photographic and Scientific Evidence That Proves She's a Woman
–– With link to OnlyFans page.
Lachlan Murdoch, the Media Prince Who Would Be King
–– Lachluster.
Why Does David Ellison Want Paramount to Swallow Warner Bros. Discovery Whole? To Beat Rival Suitors to the Punch
–– And have Trump regurgitate on them.
What We Saw as Stars Arrived at the Emmy
–– We didn’t see them as stars.
’Everybody Loves Raymond’ Stars Reunite as Brad Garrett Tells Ray Romano: ‘The Next Time I’m on the Emmys It Will Be in Memoriam’
–– Joke or Nostradamus-like prediction?
What’s With All the Beards?
––You mean dates at Emmys?
Noah Wyle Wears Tuxedo Made by Scrubs Brand to Emmys
–– And matching latex gloves.
Steve Martin And Martin Short Left Jimmy Fallon Visibly Uncomfortable After Mentioning His Divisive Greg Gutfeld Segment And Joking That He’s In The Epstein Files
–– Felt Gutpunch.
Woody Allen, 89, Opens up About Dinner Parties at Jeffrey Epstein’s House: ‘He Couldn’t Have Been Nicer'
–– ‘Unless I was, y’know, like little Dylan’s age.’
“Succession” star Brian Cox accidentally flashes film fest audience while going commando in kilt
–– Part of Bic Mac campaign for burger spokesman.
Charlie Hunnam Goes Full-on ‘Monster’ in Haunting Official Trailer for ‘The Ed Gein Story’
–– What America needs: another celebration of psychosis.
Todd Chrisley Admits 'Sex' Was the First Thing on His Mind Upon Knowing He'd See Wife Julie Again After Prison: 'Not Gonna Lie'
–– So with cellmate?
Glenn Close says filming nude scene at 78 was her idea: 'I didn't want to put my clothes back on'
–– Despite anguished screams of cast, crew.
Ice Cube Says He Shot His ‘War of the Worlds’ Scenes in 15 Days Isolated From the Director and Other Actors: ‘This Was the Only Way’
–– ‘It could be that bad.’
How Guillermo del Toro Conjured a ‘Frankenstein’ Monster Unlike Any Before
–– You know it will be longest.
Kristen Stewart in ‘Love Lies Bleeding’ Showed Me Exactly How Hot Tough Can Be
–– And how tough trying to be hot is.
Jennifer Lopez Goes Pantsless in a Full Netted Naked Dress That Takes Method Dressing to the Next Level
–– If only her method acting got there.
Ellen DeGeneres Sued for Negligence After Allegedly Running Stop Sign, T-Boning Driver
–– While being vegetarian!
‘Infinity Castle’ Tops the Box Office, Revealing Changing Taste
–– From ‘iffy’ to ‘none.’
D4vd Cancels U.S. Tour Amid Investigation Into Dead Body in Car Registered to Him
–– Career officially d4d.
Britain’s King Charles III lives another, slower life in Transylvania
–– With plenty of fresh blood.
Inside the Most Valuable Team in Women’s Sports
-– Name of which is 100% losing bar bet.
Russell Wilson deserves everyone’s respect on his way out the Giants door
–– Does Athletic pay agents for these kind of articles?
Bills QB Josh Allen hits historic touchdown mark as Buffalo survives late scare to beat Miami Dolphins
–– Sixth-fastest player to reach 200 passing touchdowns. Sports history ain’t what it used to be.
Stanley Tucci to Join NBC for Coverage of 2026 Winter Olympics
–– We all remember his alpine career.
Company That Bought Publishers Clearing House Won’t Pay Past Prize Winners
–– And they want oversized checks back.
Cereal Box Records Sound Horrible. They Still Look Incredible.
–– And if you’re emotionally stunted older guy with too much money…
Jerry quits Ben & Jerry’s
–– Unilever hopes Jerry ‘Free Palestine activists worse than Nazis’ Seinfeld can take place.
For the Best Bratwurst, Make It the German Way
–– First bend over…
’Isn’t it your choice to take them out?’: Why breast explant surgery is on the rise
–– Stackflation?
Here's How To Talk To Your Kids About "Bigorexia" — A Scary Disorder That's On The Rise In Young Men
–– Also known as “Schwarzeneggertivity”, “Hansandfransitis”, “Rockatism."
Out of Goo Gone? These DIY Adhesive Removers Actually Work.
–– Stick it.
Parents face backlash after koala attacks child on hike: 'Why did everyone just stand there?'
–– They were oohing and aahing over cuteness.
Florida Woman Fights Off Alligator to Save Her Puppy
–– How’s gator doing?
Drivers stunned after stumbling upon enormous snake for first time — here's what they encountered
–– Were they driving or walking? Or walking on golf course carrying drivers?
Tipsy Bats and Perfect Pasta Win Ig Nobel Prizes for Weird Science Research
–– Bats drunk on chianti sampling cacio e pepe.
How Did the Ostrich Cross the Ocean? Its Ancestors Flew There
–– On backs of chickens!
Fossils tell story of baby flying reptiles doomed by tropical storms
–– But in unintelligible fossilese.
Rare Gold Nuggets Worth $700,000 Stolen From Paris' Natural History Museum in Brazen Heist
–– Thieves swallowed, now kidney stones.
Babylon was once an ancient wonder. Today it’s a very different story
–– Let us babble on.
After 96 Years, Archaeologists Finally Found the Missing Part of a Legendary Statue
–– Inside statue of his Egyptian queen.
Inside a ‘Hell on Earth’ in Oklahoma
–– So ‘hell on earth’ in ‘hell on earth?’
Patrick McGovern, the ‘Indiana Jones of Ancient Alcohol,’ Dies at 80
–– And the Kingdom of the Crystal Head.
Robert Redford, Screen Idol Turned Director and Activist, Dies at 89
–– Sundance sets.
–– Botch casually.
