Red Blight District
Week of 08/22/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Obama Endorses Newsom’s Redistricting Proposal as a ‘Responsible Approach’
–– To insane power grab.
FBI raids John Bolton’s home
–– Reportedly finds illegal 'stache wax stash.
California Democrats approve Newsom’s redistricting plan after Texas House passes GOP-drawn maps
–– Two can shit on Constitution!
Democrats are returning to Texas, clearing way for GOP to draw new map
–– Twistier than a rattlesnake.
Ghislaine Maxwell tells Justice Dept. she never saw Trump act inappropriately
–– And we’ve never seen him do opposite.
Ghislaine Maxwell, who wants a pardon, says she never saw Donald Trump ‘in any inappropriate setting’
–– What is procuress of underaged rapees def of 'inappropriate?'
Donald Trump Caught on Hot Mic Telling Emmanuel Macron the 'Crazy' Reason He Thinks Putin Will End Ukraine War
–– Because he loves Trump. No, really.
‘No Meeting Planned’ Between Putin and Zelensky, Top Russian Diplomat Says
–– Diplomatically leave ‘F.U. Trump’ unspoken.
Putin Gave Trump Strict 15-Minute Deadline for Late-Night Call to Kremlin
–– Including dirty talk.
Vladimir Putin 'Got Everything He Wanted' at Trump Alaska Summit—Senator
–– Trump’s wallet as bonus.
Zelensky and European leaders face tough choices at pivotal White House showdown
–– Talk tough? Kiss ass? Do both simultaneously?
Government papers found in an Alaskan hotel reveal new details of Trump-Putin summit
–– From gang that couldn't shit straight.
White House responds to report of Alaska summit papers left on public printer: ‘Hilarious’
–– Only if watching episode of Veep.
Putin’s Ukraine Proposal Backed by Trump Centers on Donbas. Here’s Why.
–– And agreement of dumbass.
6 Takeaways From Trump’s Meeting With Putin
–– 3. Fried piroshki.
Rubio details 'progress' made during Trump-Putin summit as future peace deal remains unclear
–– In latest ironic slang for ‘backtrack.’
Witkoff delivered Russian medal from Putin to family of American who was killed fighting for Russia in 2024
–– Trump slipped him Purple Heart to include.
NBC Host Says Karoline Leavitt’s Shocking ‘Ashen’ Look Will ‘Stick With Me’
–– C’mon, that’s just her new Day of the Dead foundation.
Karoline Leavitt Drops Cross Pendant After ‘South Park’ Spoof
–– Didn’t crucifix fling self from lying body?
JD Vance ‘sitting at the kids table’ as Trump-Zelensky talked draws raves: ‘See how much smoother things go’
–– Served grilled cheese with shut-the-f**k up.
Trump says tariffs are going to be enough to pay down national debt. It likely won’t even touch the sides
–– Unlike Trump who starts with, devours sides.
Trump’s reciprocal tariffs could be struck down as soon as this month—and the administration is warning of economic apocalypse
–– As opposed to Armadebton?
What to Know About the Allegations Against Lisa Cook of the Fed
–– Take look at her face.
Trump says he will lead 'movement' to end mail-in voting
–– Will dub it ‘Fascism.’
Newsmax pays $67 million to settle Dominion lawsuit over network’s 2020 election lies
–– Acting as Trump's dumb minion.
A Half-Billion-Dollar Fine Against Trump Was Thrown Out
–– Felon takes being man of no consequence to whole new level.
Donald Trump photographed with heavy make-up patch on hand
–– Spackle to keep rotting skin from sloughing off.
The Insidious Creep of Trump’s Speaking Style
–– Yes, he is insidious creep.
The president clearly had a lot to brain-dump before bedtime.
–– And bed-dump.
‘I Want to Try and Get to Heaven’: Trump Gets Reflective on ‘Fox & Friends’
–– Atone deaf statement.
Bondi Clashed With Ethics Officials Over Efforts to Keep Lavish Gifts
–– Insisted she can keep Wishlist online for potential bribes.
F.B.I. Plans to Lower Recruiting Standards, Alarming Agents
–– Can’t be smarter, more competent then Director.
HS Secretary Noem says entire southern border wall will be painted black to stop people from climbing it
–– Why not just electrify, have pigs at ready to eat bodies.
Federal judge orders closure of Trump’s ‘Alligator Alcatraz’ immigration jail
–– Snap decision?
No new detainees can be brought to ‘Alligator Alcatraz’ for now, federal judge rules
–– Scale back?
Hearing to fight legal ‘black hole’ for detainees held at ‘Alligator Alcatraz’ underway in federal court
–– ‘Black Hole’ equally good nickname.
How a thrown sub made ‘Sandwich Guy’ a resistance icon in Trump’s D.C.
–– Tom Brady of salami subs.
‘We are arresting the mayor right now, per the deputy attorney general’
–– They didn't razz Baraka.
Involuntary commitment got a bad rap. The streets got more dangerous.
–– Thing WaPo has railed against for over 40 years.
What would happen if America started faking its economic data? Here’s what happened when other countries did it
–– You mean what is happening?
Fed Chair Jerome Powell may seriously disappoint Wall Street at Jackson Hole
–– No scenic tram ride?
Opinion - Where’s JD Vance? VP takes eighth vacation in seven months
–– Can't he make it permanent?
Supreme Court allows Trump to block $783 million in National Institutes of Health grants for now
–– Rule for Grim Reaper.
HHS is using AI effectively? Someone’s hallucinating.
–– Maybe guy with worm in head?
“RHONY” star and former Kennedy in-law Carole Radziwill says RFK Jr. always had a 'weird thing about roadkill'
–– But insists he only pleasured self with it in safety of vehicle.
Bombshell texts reveal Jeanine Pirro is no fan of Sean Hannity, alleging he storms into the Oval Office ‘like he owns the place’
–– ‘And nearly knocks wineglass out of my hand!’
Alina Habba ‘unlawfully’ working as US attorney in New Jersey, judge rules
–– Didn’t add ‘incompetently?’
Josh Hawley is ruffling GOP feathers as he stakes out his ground: From the Politics Desk
–– Peeing all around House chambers.
Eric Adams Advisor Handed Reporter Cash Stuffed In Bag Of Potato Chips
–– Was just chipping in.
Matt Gaetz Welcomes First Baby with Wife Ginger and Reveals the Newborn's Unusual Name
–– Luckless? Oh, an ironic Luckey.
Famine confirmed in Gaza City region, global hunger monitor says
–– Starved for info.
Britain’s online safety law is running amok
–– There’s no force that limits social media scourge that can be described as ‘amok.’
MSNBC is getting a new name as part of its split from NBC News
–– DOA.
This CEO laid off nearly 80% of his staff because they refused to adopt AI fast enough. 2 years later, he says he’d do it again
–– Or AI would have him killed.
Making cash off ‘AI slop’: The surreal video business taking over the web
–– As rich, noble as customers' imaginations.
Oregon Man Accused of Operating One of Most Powerful Attack ‘Botnets’ Ever Seen
–– No ifs, ands or bots.
Kumail Nanjiani says Elon Musk did not like HBO’s ‘Silicon Valley’: ‘He was like, all the parties I go to are much cooler than these parties’
–– Or seemed so because he was high.
Quentin Tarantino Says ‘Inglourious Basterds’ Is ‘My Masterpiece,’ ‘Once Upon a Time in Hollywood’ Is ‘My Favorite’ and ‘Kill Bill’ Is the Movie ‘I Was Born to Make’
–– Proving self rank amateur.
Quentin Tarantino is happy to hand over “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” follow-up because 'me and David Fincher are the 2 best directors'
–– Fincher and the plot pincher.
Alan Cumming Says It Was ‘Really Healing’ Playing Nightcrawler in ‘Avengers: Doomsday’ After ‘Awful’ Experience Shooting ‘X2’: ‘I Love the Film’
–– Cumming to theatre near you.
Amanda Knox and Monica Lewinsky just might be the team-up people didn’t know they needed
–– Like devil and blue dress?
’Nicolandria’ aren’t just a cultural phenomenon, they’re a beloved part of reality couple history
–– Keep telling yourself that as you report on absolute piffle.
Jimmy Kimmel Blasts Reports of Stephen Colbert’s ‘Late Show’ Losing $40 Million for CBS: ‘Not a Snowball’s Chance in Hell That’s Accurate’
–– We're not referring to as 'meltdown?'
Katy Perry Goofs Off Backstage with Daughter Daisy During Her Lifetimes Tour
–– In this piece provided by her rep.
US Senator Denies Saying Sydney Sweeney Has ‘Perfect T—–‘
–– Not ‘is perfect boob?’
Sydney Sweeney Says ‘Mainly Girls’ Criticized Her Bathwater Soap, ‘Which Was Really Interesting. They All Loved the Idea of Jacob Elordi’s Bathwater’
–– We’d say really, really, really interesting.
Michelle Yeoh says that despite constant job travel, she and her husband have found ways to make it work
–– Especially knowing rich hubby Jean Todt is 79, name means dead.
Steve Martin reflects on a magical, full-circle 80th birthday: ‘It’s like going to work when you’re 15 and coming home from work and you’re 80’
–– ‘And then the whole dirt-retirement.’
Mark Hamill was repulsed by “The Human Centipede 2” offer: 'Goodbye, and never enter my life again' (exclusive)
–– Didn’t connect?
Denzel Washington Says ‘Who Cares’ When Asked if He Worries About Being Canceled: ‘You Can’t Be Canceled if You Haven’t Signed Up’
–– And you can’t sign up when you haven’t been asked.
Austin Butler Recalls How He “Almost Cracked” a Rib During ‘Caught Stealing’ Fight Scene
–– Get back to us once he’s cracked a character.
Elizabeth McGovern says Maggie Smith's absence from new“ Downton Abbey” 'sort of freed up the rest of the narrative'
–– ‘A blessing not having to carry her in scene after scene.’
Malin Åkerman, 47, Shares How She Got In Shape for 'Hunting Wives' Just Five Weeks Before Filming
–– Were positive it would've taken at least 36 days.
Jeffrey Katzenberg’s Next Investment: Drone-Powered Light Shows
–– With more plot than average Dreamworks animated feature.
Jason Momoa bursts with pride watching his son act in “Dune: Part Three”: 'He's gonna blow me away'
–– In Menendez boys sense?
Jenna Jameson Shows How Little She's Changed Since Teen Years: 'This is me at 16 vs 51'
–– 'And I haven't gained ounce of self-respect!'
Jesse Tyler Ferguson Remembers ‘Modern Family’ Big Break as ‘Tricky’ Because ‘There Was No Way to Please’ Gay Audiences
–– ‘And, God knows, I tried!’
Tamar Braxton ‘found in a pool of blood’ with fractured nose, missing teeth after mysterious near-death experience
–– Sounds like near-fifth accident.
Coroner Who Performed Marilyn Monroe’s Autopsy Reveals Shocking New Details About Botched Exam
–– Only shocked if she was pregnant with Bat Boy.
Director Carl Rinsch Was in a ‘State of Psychosis’ at Time of Alleged Netflix Fraud, Defense Argues
–– Rinsch in the plans.
‘Ketamine Queen’ to Plead Guilty in Matthew Perry Overdose Case
–– Throne to wolves.
Yankees fans wait in line for hours to get napping George Costanza bobblehead
–– Under the table deals?
She might be the world’s best receiver: Meet Isabella Geraci, U.S. flag football star
–– That is one mighty ‘might.’
Kennedy Center to host 2026 World Cup draw, Trump says
–– Meaningless ceremony at meaningless venue hosted by meanest man.
Why Magic, Dragons and Explicit Sex Are in Bookstores Everywhere
–– Easy to hide behind all those stacks.
How We Got Young People to Like Theater
–– Gay Immersion Therapy?
How to Break Free From Your Phone
–– Stop reading this.
The best bidets of 2025, tested by editors
–– Up yours.
I’m a Proud Conservative. My Disabled Son Needs Medicaid to Live.
–– Then you shouldn't have spawned taker.
Their Window Seats Lacked Windows, So Delta and United Passengers Sued
–– In portal combat.
The summer bikinis got smaller
–– And asses way bigger.
With a Shovel and a Dream, a Woman Finds a 2.3 Carat Diamond in Arkansas
–– Thumps fiancé, burys in hole, marries appraiser.
Cracker Barrel stock tanks after unveiling a controversial logo change
–– Could've sworn avant garde customers would embrace.
This Italian Restaurant Group Just Filed For Bankruptcy, Threatening All Of Its Locations Across 20 States
–– Abandonza.
Over 5,000 lbs. of cheese recalled by FDA due to contamination concerns over 'serious and sometimes fatal' bacteria
–– Who cut the cheese?
The Founders of This New Development Say You Must Be White to Live There
–– Blackout restrictions apply.
Former Miss Universe Contestant, 30, Dies After Elk Smashed Through Her Windshield: ‘Everything Was Covered in Blood’
–– Racked up.
Menendez Hasn’t Been a ‘Model Prisoner,’ Board Says in Denying Parole
–– Nor, to be honest, 'model son.'
Erik Menendez denied parole after yearslong fight for release. His brother has yet to receive a decision
–– Like brother like scum.
Bryan Kohberger Seemingly Captured Inside His Prison Cell in Newly Leaked Video That Has Launched a Police Investigation
–– We hope he’s captured inside cell.
Son of Norway’s crown princess charged with four counts of rape
–– And one count of looking like he must’ve committed more.
Sharpie markers and a handmade badge: How officials say the ‘Devil in the Ozarks’ planned a prison escape over several months
–– Same way Trump tries to get staffers to call him Sheriff Dillon.
These Majestic Seabirds Never Stop Pooping
–– Property with Infinity Poo.
Paris Braces for a Future of Possibly Paralyzing Heat
–– Not cool biens?
Do Coconuts Go With Oysters? For Saving the Delaware Shore, Yes
–– We've seen stranger couples.
James Dobson, influential voice of the religious right, dies at 89
–– Learns St. Peter's gay.
Ronnie Rondell, Stuntman Set on Fire for Pink Floyd Cover, Dies at 88
–– Relatives: Wish you were here.
British actor Terence Stamp, ‘Superman’ star and famed figure of swinging London, dies at 87
–– Stamp’s out.
