Plane Old Bribery
Week of 05/16/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Qatar plane gift could awaken Trump’s sleeping ‘corrupt’ problem
–– Sleeping? It’s most woke thing about administration.
Trump Hilariously Calls Toy Firm Mattel a Country
–– Like Barbiedos, Kenya, Toybet.
Trump fumes at ‘ABC fake news’ reporter for pressing him on pricey Qatar plane gift: ‘You should be embarrassed!’
–– ‘Because I’m physically incapable of that.’
Trump blasts Democratic criticism of Qatar plane gift: ‘World Class Losers!!!’
–– Is exactly what he's made of Americans.
‘It’s a bribe’: MAGA media stars bash Trump’s reported Qatar plane gift
–– He just wants to Qatar deal.
No millionaire tax hike in Trump's 'big, beautiful bill'
–– Because written by billionaires.
G.O.P. Tax Bill May Hurt the Lowest Earners and Help the Richest
–– May? There’s slight chance it wouldn't achieve goal?
Hawley warns GOP Medicaid cuts are ‘morally wrong and politically suicidal’
–– Imagine Hawley was your moral conscience.
As Republicans weigh Medicaid work requirements, Georgia offers a warning
–– Helpful summary: costs more to put recipients to work, stupid idea.
Trump officials suggest suspending habeas corpus. Here’s what it means.
–– They’re criminals who don’t deserve it.
Sen. John Barrasso dodges when asked whether he would support suspending habeas corpus
-– Too dumb to embarrasso.
Trump going after political opponents ‘out in the open’: Analyst on criminal probe into New York AG
–– Craven the hunter.
John Cleese Suggests ‘Suspending’ Trump Chief of Staff Stephen Miller – ‘Preferably by the Neck’
–– Dead prat joke.
U.S. officials say ‘substantial progress’ made in China trade talks
–– In latest slang for ‘caving.’
Trump Retreats On His Trade War's Chinese Front, Claims Big Victory
–– Retreated 115% –– biggest rout ever!
President Trump Promised Not to Cut Social Security Benefits. Here's Why He's in Danger of Breaking His Commitment.
–– Never kept promise in life.
Trump is bringing white South Africans to the US as refugees, but what persecution are they facing?
–– Sunburn.
Episcopal Church refuses to resettle white Afrikaners, citing moral opposition
–– Afrokanters.
Kevin O’Leary insists that Trump granting refugee status to white South Africans ‘has nothing to do with race’
–– Why he’s in shark, not think, tank.
Comey under investigation for ‘threat’ to Trump on social media, officials say
–– 86 47? Can you add three sets of quotes to ‘threat’?
Trump pal Roger Stone calls for Mark Kelly’s ‘execution’ after senator slams president’s crypto haul from White House
–– Didn’t even use ambiguous numeric code?
Trump promised U.S. dominance. Instead, energy companies are faltering.
–– Are you trying to say Trump doesn’t always deliver on promises? ‘Threat’!
DHS considering reality show in which immigrants compete for citizenship
–– From Hunger Games.
ICE Barbie’s Aide Threatens to Have Goons Arrest Members of Congress
–– Noem chilly this time of year.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Says There Will Be Hell To Pay If Dems Are Arrested For ICE Protest
–– Put on ICE?
Gabbard fires two senior intelligence officials focused on assessing threats to US
–– Felt intelligence agency already had way too much.
Trump is hosting a dinner for the biggest buyers of his memecoin. The guest list is now set—and many of the winners are foreign nationals
–– Will sell raffle tickets for Lincoln portrait.
DOGE ‘flopped’: Rep. Stansbury slams Musk, GOP over ‘complete joke’ of lack of real savings
–– In latest slang for 'shat the bed', 'unmitigated failure.'
DOGE’s Fraud Tracker at Social Security Turns Into a Massive Self-Own
–– 2 fraudulent calls out of 110,000 seems like par for Musk.
Transportation Secretary Gets Pressed Over Repeated Airport Failures And Musk’s FAA Cuts
–– Not all lovey-Duffy ?
Pope Shades Trump With Call for End to His Favorite Pastime
–– Says Jesus never pleasured self while Mary Magdalene ‘anointed’ bed.
Ed Martin publicizes ethics probe he says was wrongly disclosed
–– How you score points in MAGA Bowl.
Judges say unsolicited pizza deliveries are meant to intimidate them
–– Sicilian comes with horse head.
D.C. Mayor Bowser’s approval rating recovers as Trump worries emerge, poll finds
–– Bowser browser’s yowza!
Parkland survivor David Hogg to be ousted from DNC following investigation into his election
–– Won’t go whole Hogg?
It’s not just more babies, Republicans are pushing idea one parent should ditch work and stay at home with the kids
–– And Gregorian calendar be set back to 1950.
White House backed down on China’s tariff after president was told they would hurt ‘Trump’s people’ the most
–– Information entirely unavailable before he imposed them.
Russian soldiers are replacing tanks with motorcycles
–– Motorcycles with tricycles.
Steven Seagal appeared at Putin's big Victory Day celebration next to a biker gang
–– Desultorily chopping air with hands, attempting to lift leg for kick.
In Private, Some Israeli Officers Admit That Gaza Is on the Brink of Starvation
–– Chew on that.
He Calls Them Handsome, Attractive, Tough: Trump’s Bromance With Arab Leaders
–– While thinking, 'rich, duplicitous, murderers. My kinda guys!'
Gulf states use opulence and flattery to win Trump's heart
–– And cash, lotsa cash.
People Left Flabbergasted By Trump's Explanation Of 1 English Word To UAE President
–– Actually Sheikh Al Nahyan probably has even less of concept of 'groceries' then American quasi-billionaire.
UnitedHealth CEO steps down for ‘personal reasons’
–– Severe kink in neck from constantly looking over shoulder.
Washington Post Staff Sound Alarm at Bezos’ CEO’s Drinking
–– Democracy dies in blackouts.
Michael Feinstein Calls Kennedy Center Show Cancellations “Government-Sanctioned Censorship”
–– Someone to watch over media.
Cannes Film Festival bans nudity on the red carpet. What does it mean for the ‘naked’ dress?
–– The French banned nudity!?
9 Iconic Naked Dresses From Cannes Past That Would Break the New Dress Code
–– No more booby prizes.
Do Standing Ovations Signal the Decline of Cinema?
–– Clap back on clapping back.
Hairfluencer Andie MacDowell Switches Things Up In Cannes
–– Can't wait to see clips.
Jamie Lee Curtis recalls John Landis putting gum in her mouth every day on 'Trading Places'
–– So she wouldn’t chew scenery?
‘Daily Show’ Host Jordan Klepper Wanted to Understand Young Trump Voters: ‘I Expected a Bunch of D—s … but the Cruelty Wasn’t There’
–– He’s thrilled amoral meatheads vote with no understanding of consequences? Sweet.
Warners Reverses Course: Changes Max’s Name Back to HBO Max
–– HBO Min next.
Cher’s son Elijah Blue Allman disheveled with fake nail, sores at LA hotspot after singer sounded alarm on his ‘mental health’
–– Like father, like sunk.
Cher Calls for Relocation of L.A. Zoo Elephants to Sanctuary: “They Have Been Through Hell”
–– Um, uh, have you seen your son lately?
Madonna Limited Series From Shawn Levy in the Works at Netflix
–– How about we limit to 0 episodes?
Why Howie Mandel Says He Isn't Attending Mel B's Wedding: "Because I Don't..."
–– We’re not reading because we’d insert ‘care.’
Morgan Wallen Speaks Out About Abrupt ‘SNL’ Exit: “I Was Just Ready to Go Home”
–– We’re all ready for that.
Lorde Watched Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee’s Sex Tape After a Psychedelic Trip: ‘I Found It to Be So Beautiful’
–– Good Lorde!
Lorde Says She’s ‘In the Middle Gender-Wise’: ‘I’m a Woman Except When I’m a Man’
–– So sometimes Ladye?
Alison Brie and Dave Franco Face Copyright Suit Over $17 Million Sundance Hit ‘Together’: ‘A Blatant Rip-Off’
–– Out of joint.
Why ‘Suits LA’ Was One and Done
–– Suits no one.
Peppa Pig Taps Walmart for ‘Mummy Pig’ Gender Reveal and Exclusive Baby Pig Toys
–– Going to unwrap Mummy?
What Comes After the Labubu Craze? A Labubu Doll Protector
–– For your little laboob-boob.
Rosamund Pike Says She Was Asked to ‘Unzip and Drop’ Her Dress and ‘Just Stand There in Underwear’ During Bond Girl Audition: ‘I Won’t Be Doing That’
–– Did another day?
Donald Trump Says ‘James Bond Has Nothing to Worry About’ Amid Movie Tariff Concerns: ‘And You Know, Sean Connery Was a Friend of Mine’
–– Referred to Trump as Goldfinger.
Kristen Stewart Says It’s a ‘Bulls— Fallacy’ That You Need ‘Experience’ to Direct: ‘It’s a Real Male Perspective’ and ‘Anyone Can Make a Movie if They Have Something to Say’
–– Isn't that what IM is for?
Walton Goggins Uses His ‘SNL’ Monologue to Reflect on Being a Sex Symbol at 53 — Despite Some Headlines Praising His ‘Receding Hairline’
–– Love dirty part?
Beloved Actor Offers Candid Health Update: ‘Not Going to Get Better’
–– Not hale and Hardy?
Why Fox Revived ‘Fear Factor’ and ‘The Weakest Link’
-– Creative bankruptcy.
Does Being a Morgan Wallen Fan Make You MAGA? Why the Country Bad Boy’s Music Is Trump-Coded
–– Or just tone-deaf?
Ye claims streamers banned his new single ‘Heil Hitler’
–– Sieg’s penalties.
John Legend on Kanye West’s “Descent”: It’s “Sad, Sometimes Shocking to See Where He Is Now”
–– Legend on the fall.
Diddy Trial Witness Claims He Was Paid $6,000 to Have Sex With Cassie While Rapper Watched
–– Real classie.
As Cassie shares graphic abuse details in Diddy trial, are we all asking the wrong question?
–– Not, ‘how low have we sunk to be lapping this up?’
French actor Gérard Depardieu found guilty of sexual assault
–– Shape he's in, any attempt at coupling would be assault.
Trump Claims Taylor Swift Is 'No Longer Hot' After He Posted 'I Hate Taylor Swift!'
–– Must be so demoralizing to not attract this guy.
Trump erupts at ‘obnoxious’ Bruce Springsteen with threats and insults after the Boss criticized him at gig in UK: ‘Dried out prune of a rocker’
–– From man whose face looks like yak ass leather tanned in goat piss.
Lauren Chan Makes History as the 'First Out Lesbian' on the Cover of “Sports Illustrated Swimsuit” (Exclusive)
–– History, ‘Yeah, sure, whatever you say.’
Bob Cousy chose to sell $170,000 worth of NBA memorabilia to provide for his kids: "We want to leave something for them"
–– Besides junk only valued by nostalgic man-boys with too much cash?
Pete Rose, 'Shoeless' Joe Jackson reinstated from MLB's permanently ineligible list: Next stop, Hall of Fame?
–– Why not in Age of the Thug?
Menendez Brothers Resentenced for 1989 Murders of Parents, Clearing Major Hurdle to Regaining Freedom
–– See above.
The wild, comic, self-deflating, volcanic genius of Mark Twain
–– Not Twain in vain?
Tyrant, comedian, style icon: how to spot conductor types | Classical Music
–– Baton rude.
At Christie’s, $13.6 Million Marlene Dumas Painting Sets New Record for Living Woman Artist at Auction
–– Image dumb and Dumas.
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman says Gen Z and millennials are using ChatGPT like a ‘life adviser’—but college students might be one step ahead
–– Using like ‘brain remover.’
Can I Wear a Sheath Dress Without Looking Like a MAGA Woman?
–– How much face work have you had done?
Exclusive: Dangerously high levels of arsenic and cadmium found in store-bought rice, report finds
–– How about rice we grow in own paddies?
Servers Know the Wet Rag Is the Ultimate Power Move at Closing Time
–– Also attitude they assume when you just order appetizer, water.
After leaving the Navy, I was doing cocaine, popping pills, and drinking over a fifth of vodka a day. Then, I had a 'death experience' that changed everything.
–– I switched to Bourbon.
National Airport, Pentagon hotline had been disconnected for three years
–– Though Pete Hegseth picks up several times a day just to be sure.
Two strangers met on a train. Then they decided to travel the world together
–– Then they got us to comment, ‘So what?’
Uber driver pulls gun on passengers in Florida
–– For taste of local flavor.
Mexican beauty influencer shot and killed during TikTok livestream
–– Wasn’t pretty.
3 climbers fell 400 feet to their death. 1 climber survived and drove to a pay phone
–– Miracle is he found pay phone.
Man who stabbed Salman Rushdie sentenced to 25 years in prison
–– Not even two years per wound.
How Did John Wayne Gacy Die? Inside the Killer Clown's Death 31 Years Ago, Including His Notorious Last Words
–– "Kiss my ass" a fitting epitaph for so many of today’s public officials.
“His wrist was gripped and ‘death-rolled’ three times”: Why conservationists in the Amazon are catching caimans
–– Caiman last in competition.
How a Sheep-Herding Cardiologist Spends His Sundays
–– Tending his flock?
‘Beauty Bias’ for Wildlife Among the Public and Researchers Could Jeopardize Conservation
–– Are they saving critters or f**king them?
What would happen to the Earth if humans went extinct? Here's what scientists think
–– After collective sigh of relief?
–– Baker's dozin'.
