In Fee Fall
Week of 04/04/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Treasury Secretary urges other countries to 'take a deep breath' and not retaliate
–– Advice Trump gave E. Jean Carroll.
US senators seek to rein in Trump tariff authority
–– Try noose.
Dow drops 1,600 as US stocks lead worldwide sell-off after Trump’s tariffs cause a COVID-like shock
–– Flu into a rage.
Trump Is About to Bet the Economy on a Theory That Makes No Sense
–– Can anything floating through that lizard brain qualify as ‘theory?’
Trump says he ‘couldn’t care less’ if auto prices rise because of his tariffs
–– As long as maximum number of Americans hurting.
Warned car tariffs will cost Americans $100 billion, Trump White House won’t budge: ‘We must become a manufacturing powerhouse’
–– Custom delusion straight from fantasy assembly line.
Wedbush Sees No Winners With Trump’s ‘Armageddon’ Auto Tariffs
–– C'mon, not 'Carmageddon?'
‘Oligarchy’: Trump exempts big oil donors from tariffs package
–– C’mon, not ‘Oiligarchy?’
Frustration grows with Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick ahead of Trump tariff announcement: ‘Loose cannon with half-baked ideas’
–– Why they call him Nutlick.
Why Did Trump Spare Russia From New Tariffs?
–– Didn't want to charge more for his BJs.
One of Wall Street’s biggest optimists says investors should hang tight because Trump wants the stock market to rally
–– He also wants chubby, but impossible is impossible.
'Sometimes you have to walk through fire': Tariffs get backing in Trump heartland
–– When entire life's a burnt husk.
Something worse could be coming for the economy than a recession
–– It’s already sitting in White House.
Trump Says He's 'Not Joking' About The Possibility Of Seeking A Third Term
–– F**k him and the hearse he rode in on.
Elon Musk says his companies are 'suffering' because of his work with the White House
–– Not enough.
5 takeaways from Elon Musk's 100-minute town hall about DOGE and America: 'It's costing me a lot to be in this job'
–– And his victims nothing?
Mark Cuban Says, If They Replaced Elon Musk With Him, He'll Still Try to Make Government Smaller By 'Cutting A Lot Of People'
–– We wanna be rich just so we can experience unparalleled thrill of firing people.
Democrat Targets Elon Musk, DOGE Employees With Drug Testing Bill
–– As he pisses all over Federal government.
Megyn Kelly Blames Dems for Elon Musk’s Reported White House Exit, Says It’s ‘Sad’ He’s Not Embraced Like Einstein or Edison | Video
–– By cold earth?
JD Vance and other officials told Trump to fire Waltz. There was just one reason he didn’t
–– He has that perfect balance of incompetence/servility.
Gabbard, Ratcliffe ‘lied repeatedly’ about Signal chat messages, Bennet says
–– But only because vibrations were moving through vocal cords.
‘Morning Joe’ Mocks Hegseth for Bringing Wife to Meetings
–– Needs someone to keep hip flask warm.
Pentagon watchdog opens probe into use of Signal for Yemen attack plans
–– Now a chihuahua.
The Signal chat’s big takeaway? Trump has built an effective team.
–– Wow, idiot WaPo columnist has crossed Signals.
Hegseth orders 'sex-neutral' combat fitness tests, raising concern from military women
–– And sex-neutered DOD leadership.
Trump administration deporting based on tattoos
–– Dinky inky doo.
Trump touted these ICE arrests. Half were already in prison.
–– Another meltdown.
RFK Jr admits health department may have to rehire 20 percent of people fired in DOGE cuts
–– Due to his spasmodic dysfunctia.
‘FDA as we’ve known it is finished’: Former commissioner
–– Welcome to Feudal Drug Administration.
Dudek faces calls to resign after trying to change way Maine parents register babies for social security numbers
–– As vengence against Gov. Janet Mills, who he referred to as a 'petulant child', for publicly defying Trump on funding of trans athletes. Smile.
White House Correspondents’ Association Cancels Amber Ruffin Performance at Annual Gala Dinner
–– Because Trump’s afraid of Black female comedian. Or Black female. Or Black.
President Donald Trump riffs on 'old fashioned,' 'beautiful' groceries
–– Bag it.
California Governor Newsom Says the Democratic Brand Is ‘Toxic’
–– Stop apologizing, Mr. Good-looking Big-Shot Hollywood Millionaire.
Cory Booker breaks record for longest Senate speech after 24 hours
–– Finally has something to etch on tombstone.
Frank Luntz: Booker marathon speech ‘may have changed the course of political history’
–– Like woke remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington.
Democratic voters are feeling the Bern. It’s not what you think.
–– They’re visiting Switzerland.
An ‘Administrative Error’ Sends a Maryland Father to a Salvadoran Prison
–– Homan lays down flaw.
A PhD student was snatched by masked officers in broad daylight. Then she was flown 1,500 miles away
–– Like pro-Palestinian editorialist was el Chapo.
Woman's arrest after miscarriage in Georgia draws fear and anger
–– C'mon, not 'Miscarriage of Justice?'
Red states could benefit as Trump’s transportation secretary prioritizes funds based on birth and marriage rates
–– And number of white lines on road.
Oliver Stone, Testifying Before Congress, Is Confused for Roger Stone by GOP Rep. Lauren Boebert
–– We often confuse her for rock.
Call me an optimist, but I sense an American spring
–– We’ll settle for idiot.
I'm tired of being mocked and hated because I'm a conservative woman | Opinion
–– America must defend your snivel rights.
Is Usha Vance starting to feel a little sorry for herself?
–– Shill chilly elegy?
Tim Walz's daughter ditches grad school, refuses to attend institution that doesn't support 'right to protest'
–– Fox finds principled act shocking.
Dem senator who ditched Tesla to protest Musk refuses to call violence against cars 'domestic terrorism'
–– Auto immune?
Federal Judge Ho dismisses public corruption case against Mayor Adams ‘with prejudice’
–– Drops case not because Adams wasn’t guilty, but because DOJ illegally meddled? Justice is served!
NYC Mayor Eric Adams says he will run for reelection as an independent
–– Unaffiliated with any reality.
NYC has the most billionaires in the world, and just added this comedian and 14 others to its long list
–– Seinfeld? What's up with that?
Prosecutors drop charge against man who Rep. Nancy Mace claimed ‘physically accosted’ her
–– Con of Mace.
Natalie Winters, the White House correspondent known for her skimpy outfits, denied membership to National Press Club
–– Lacked coverage.
World War II veteran who's turning 104 goes viral with birthday request for Trump
–– Wants at party to make self feel sharper.
Trump says he’s ‘angry’ at Putin’s remark questioning Zelensky’s legitimacy
–– Hopes he can hear stamping feet in Moscow.
Trump says he's "pissed off" at Putin and threatens additional tariffs on Russian oil
–– Putin reminds him of being pissed on in Moscow hotel.
Russia still 'working with US' after Trump says he is 'angry' with Putin
–– Or ‘working US.’
Russia says Ukraine 'multiplying' energy attacks despite US-brokered moratorium
–– Russia just adding theirs.
French far-right leader Le Pen barred from politics in embezzlement verdict
–– Le Pen pig.
China now has a 'kill mesh' in orbit, Space Force vice chief says
–– To make alien stockings!
Trump’s USAID cuts cripple American response to Myanmar earthquake
–– MAGA unshaken.
South Korea Removes Its Impeached President and Regains Direction
–– Democracies can do that?
Eugene Robinson Leaves the Washington Post After Jeff Bezos’ ‘Significant Shift’ to Opinion Section
–– Amazonked.
Lorazepam gets starring role in ‘The White Lotus.’ What should you know about this powerful drug?
–– Deserves sag award.
Dolph Lundgren, 67, spotted on rare outing in Los Angeles with wife and daughter, who are both 28
–– Sometimes can’t remember who he’s buying Viagra for.
Christopher Nolan’s ‘The Odyssey’ Is a ‘Masterpiece That Homer Himself Would Likely Be Proud Of,’ Universal Executive Declares
–– Simpson that is.
Iron Fist Actor Finn Jones Says ‘Give Me a F—ing Chance’ to Come Back: ‘I’m Aware of the Critiques… I Want to Prove People Wrong’
–– Irony fisted.
Eddie Murphy Was Told Not to Star in ‘Malcolm X’ by Sidney Poitier: ‘You Are Not Denzel. You Are Not Morgan. You’re a Breath of Fresh Air. Don’t F— With That!’
–– Classy way to say you haven’t got chops.
Kid Rock Says Meeting He Brokered With President Trump and Bill Maher ‘Could Not Have Been Better’
–– What could be worse?
Kesha Announces The Tits Out Tour with Scissor Sisters for Summer 2025: Dates and How to Get Tickets
–– For boobs of all ages.
Gabby Windey says 'DWTS' guest judge Michael Bublé 'eye f---ed' her but then didn't give her a 10
–– Or was he just rolling eyes?
Marvin Sapp Instructs Ushers To Close Church Doors Until Congregation Ponies Up $40K
–– Sapp's strength.
Kevin Smith’s ‘Dogma’ Returning to Theaters in June
–– Unbelievable.
Beatles Biopics Reveal Cast, 2028 Release for All Four Sam Mendes Movies
–– Sounds like Flab Four.
The Who get real about octogenarian rock star life
–– Won’t get dad-gummed fooled again.
Morgan Wallen Stirs Speculation With Abrupt ‘SNL’ Walk-Off and ‘Get Me to God’s Country’ Social Post
–– Does that mean afterlife?
‘Today’s Jenna Bush Hager Confesses That She Schedules Sex With Her Husband: “I Don’t Love It, But Otherwise It Don’t Happen”
–– On IckCal.
Ron Howard Loves Working with His ‘Unique’ Brother Clint: ‘Does Not Hold His Tongue Around His Big Brother’ (Exclusive)
–– Does hold coffee, anything else handed him.
Russell Brand Charged With Rape and Sexual Assault, Met Police Confirm
–– On Brand.
How the Collapse of Prince Harry’s Charity Sentebale Has Unfolded Amid “Bullying” Claims
–– Like cannibal at Donor Party.
Queen Elizabeth Reportedly Scolded Meghan Markle at a Pre-Wedding Food Tasting
–– Meghan mountain out of molehill.
NFL teams table vote to ban ‘tush push’ at annual league meeting
–– Keep in locker room.
Radhika Jones to Step Down as Vanity Fair Editor-in-Chief
–– Free Radhika.
Dementia rates are on the rise. The reason why is surprisingly simple.
–– Oldtimer’s Disease.
C.E.O. Choked Man Who Danced Barefoot on Cruise Ship, U.S. Says
–– Decked him?
The fastest, most-accurate fast-food drive-throughs, and more!
–– Indigestion! Obesity! Type 2 Diabetes!
Hooters files for bankruptcy
–– Gets off chest.
Popular Japanese beef bowl chain shuts after rat, bug found in food
–– But weren’t on menu.
Every Cheesemonger We Spoke to Said Storing Your Cheese This Way Is Ruining It
–– In mouse hole.
Ring camera captures the moment a small plane crashes into a home
–– Before knocking?
Star VII, Anchorage’s Famous Reindeer, Dies Weeks After Poisoning
–– Ends reign, dear.
This weird mammal occupies abandoned burrows and has a ‘sixth sense’ – and is best friends with a mongoose
–– But is chiefly celebrated for gassiness.
Are blubber and fat the same thing? Why blubber is always fat, but fat isn’t always blubber
–– Choose the fat.
Enormous, Crocodile-Sized Amphibians Mysteriously Died Together in Wyoming 230 Million Years Ago
–– When one of them snapped.
The bizarre-looking dinosaur challenging what we know about the evolution of fingers
–– Guess how this middle one we're flashing developed?
Are these are 10 smartest dog breeds in the world? Meet the canine clever clogs that are so on the ball
–– Which one wrote this?
The Elegant Simplicity of the Time-Only Watch
–– When you're strapped for time.
Scientists Successfully Revive a Dead Brain, Redefining the Boundary Between Life and Death
–– And citizen, Trump supporter.
NASA astronauts speak out for the first time following unexpected 9-month mission to space
–– Following pregnant pause.
A Maker of Sewage-Based Fertilizer Leaves Town Amid a Toxic Crisis
–– Shit out of luck.
US military takes an abrupt turn after decades of climate change research
–– Defeated in Battle of Denial.
Clive Revill, Who Voiced Emperor Palpatine in ‘The Empire Strikes Back,’ Dies at 94
–– Play Revill-e.
–– Sho gone.
Val Kilmer, Actor Revered for Playing Batman and Jim Morrison, Dies at 65
–– This is the end.
Pilots, parties, and pranks: Filming Top Gun with Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise
–– The Iceman goeth.
