Project Dumbway
Week of 10/03/25
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Trump no longer distancing himself from Project 2025 as he uses shutdown to further pursue its goals
–– Wait, he knew about it all along?!
Kamala Harris is trying to figure out what’s next
–– Still trying to figure out what’s last.
Trump to Meet With Congressional Leaders as Shutdown Looms
–– Closing businesses always his specialty.
After Volatile Summer, Trump’s Approval Remains Low but Stable, Poll Finds
–– 9 out of 10 idiot elephants in stable.
Where’s the missing $17 trillion? Lawmaker says Trump must reveal what he’s done with new investment bonanza he keeps boasting about
–– That’s a lot even for his fat ass.
’Stop Attacking Pedophiles!’ Ted Cruz Lampooned for Awkward Gaffe in Senate Hearing
–– He’ll always protect his President.
Trump Snaps at CBS’s White House Reporter Weijia Jiang: ‘I Have a Bigger Heart Than You Do’
–– ‘It’s all the cholesterol and rage.’
Trump Gets Brutal Review From Pool Report On Military Speech Crowd: ‘Expressionless… Restless… Met With Silence’
–– Commander in Chafe.
‘Could have been an email’: Officials balk at Hegseth's generals meeting
–– Was spam.
President Trump says he'll be at "Espirit De Corps" meeting with Pete Hegseth Tuesday
–– Make that corpse.
Pentagon plans widespread random polygraphs, NDAs to stanch leaks
–– How about he gets daily breathalyzer tests?
Why Trump was ‘likely rattled’ during rare speech, according to retired military general
–– Due to dried seeds in head.
’You think Biden could have done that?' Trump brags about overcoming broken teleprompter at the UN
–– Read unsteadily from notes for few minutes, return to teleprompter, deliver totally insane speech? Guess not.
Acting US attorney says there is an ‘overemphasis on slavery’ at the Smithsonian. Comedians react
–– Halligan led around by Trump like she's got ring through netherlips.
Who is Ian Roberts, the Iowa school superintendent accused by ICE of being in the US illegally?
–– Give us few minutes while we prepare smear campaign.
Faith revival follows Charlie Kirk's death as more people attend Mass and read the Bible
–– Really, Fox News? We have to take that on faith?
Musk calls Anti-Defamation League ‘hate group’ for documenting Christian extremism
–– Shall we sieg heil to that?
Adam Kinzinger Mocks Donald Trump’s ‘Alpha Male’ Act As A Mask For 1 Thing
–– 1 flaccid thing?
RFK Jr. Loses Libel Lawsuit Over Neo-Nazi Party Ties
–– Ones he'd like to hang Fauci with?
Barron Shuts Down Trump Tower Floor to Woo Date
–– A mop with painted-on lips.
Poll: Fears about the future of U.S. democracy fall, despite recent controversies
–– Americans can’t even remember what it is anymore.
Megachurch pastor and ex-Trump adviser pleads guilty to child sexual abuse
–– You can figure what he was advising on.
NJ governor's race jolted after Sherrill's unredacted military records released
–– Like nuclear redaction?
'Not Suicidal': Marjorie Taylor Greene Posts Ominous 'If Something Happens' Message
–– Right people never are.
Newsom Trolls Trump Over Bizarre Magic Bed Conspiracy
–– Does fictional bed have ‘fry’ setting?
MAGA Lawmaker Calls for Gavin Newsom’s Arrest After Calling Miller a ‘Fascist’
–– You mean Stephen ‘You’re a Fascist, No, You’re a Fascist!’ Miller?
Eric Adams Abandons Re-election Bid for Mayor of New York City
–– Had enough humble pie?
Swaggering, Scandalous, Strange: There Will Never Be Another Eric Adams
–– Best Big Apple news in years.
She Loved Eric Adams. She Kept It a Secret. Now She’s Talking.
–– Think of the humiliation.
Trump says US is in 'armed conflict' with drug cartels after ordering strikes in the Caribbean
–– Recruits carrying out strikes told they're playing Grand Theft Auto Caracas.
Lawmakers From Both Sides Pressed Pentagon on Legal Basis for Drug Boat Strikes
–– Hegseth sent them used VHS copy of Scarface.
Israel and Hamas signal willingness to move forward on Trump’s Gaza peace plan
–– One he wrote with his own two fingers.
Netanyahu apologizes to Qatar for strike targeting Hamas as he meets with Trump
–– Oyps!
Trump commits US to defending Qatar’s security
–– All for price of spare jet.
‘Despicable!’ Karoline Leavitt Scolds NY Times Reporter Grilling Her About Jared Kushner Profiting Off Middle East
–– Multi-billion dollar graft really is.
CNN Panel Laugh in Celeb Lawyer‘s Face for His Kushner Excuse
–– Glad he has Kushy job.
‘Starting to be very afraid’: Italy’s Gaza protests raise pressure on Meloni
–– It's enough to make fascist think twice. Or once.
Deposed Syrian Dictator Poisoned Under Putin’s Nose: Watchdog
–– It was air-born toxin?
Putin: Charlie Kirk assassination ‘disgusting atrocity’
–– Let’s have review of murder by master assassin.
Starmer Describes ‘Fight for the Soul’ of U.K. as Populist Right Rises
–– Dover soul?
A President’s Remarks Harshly Single Out Men With a Particular Name
–– Brayan freeze.
Marc Maron and Shane Gillis Slam Riyadh Comedy Festival as Bill Burr, Kevin Hart, Pete Davidson Set to Perform in Saudi Arabia: ‘From the Folks That Brought You 9/11’
–– Shiekh in with laughter.
David Cross Slams Bill Burr and More Comedians Performing at Riyadh Comedy Festival: ‘I Am Disgusted… How Can Any of Us Take You Seriously Again?’
–– Sounds pretty cross.
Bill Burr Defends Performing at Controversial Riyadh Comedy Festival: “They’re Just Like Us”
–– Crude, greedy haters?
Dave Chappelle Criticizes Free Speech in America at Saudi Arabia Comedy Festival
–– If only you could make tens of millions of dollars in country AND have critics killed, diced.
Theo Von's Netflix Special Taping Apparently Went Terribly Wrong
–– Expected result with him anywhere near 'comedy.'
How Hours of Unedited 'To Catch a Predator' Footage Shaped 'Predators,' a Doc That Connects Chris Hansen to America's True Crime Addiction
–– And why he never visited Epstein Island.
Lauren Sanchez Roasted For Trying To 'Outdo' Sydney Sweeney At Her 28th Birthday Party In A Tiny Dress
–– Outboob?
James Gunn Says 'Racists Have Called Me Polarizing' After 'Peacemaker' Nazi Twist: I'm Okay With It and 'Letting Racists Fall by the Wayside'
–– Gunn with silencers.
AI Actress Tilly Norwood Condemned by SAG-AFTRA: Tilly ‘Is Not an Actor… It Has No Life Experience to Draw From, No Emotion’
–– ‘Besides, Hollywood already has Lily Collins.’
Source Reveals the Real Reason Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban Split: She Was “Blindsided”
–– By Urban renewal.
J.K. Rowling Slams ‘Ignorant’ Emma Watson as Their Rift Intensifies; Author Claims Watson Once Wrote Her a Note Expressing Sympathy Over Anti-Trans Backlash
–– Hermione her own business.
Lionel Richie Says Pal Michael Jackson Was Nicknamed 'Smelly' for Poor Hygiene: 'He'd Wear Pants Until They Were Unwearable'
–– Thanks for that sense memory to haunt our afternoon.
Tim Blake Nelson says George Clooney felt their SAG cards 'should have been revoked' after 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?'
–– Was all hams on deck.
Heidi Klum Frees the Nipple in a Completely Sheer Lace Dress With Built-in Gloves
–– Nipple, 'I can't stand it on outside –– lemme back in!'
Bonnie Blue’s estranged husband deserves cut of her $45M porn empire because he got her started, his mom says
–– In foreplay sense?
Alexander Skarsgård’s Very NSFW Shirt Toys Around With Themes From His New BDSM Film
–– And his bottom?
‘Bad taste or trashy-cool?’: Behind the stripped-down costumes of cult classic ‘Showgirls’
–– Question men often ask during lap dance.
What Happens When a Pop Star Runs a Marathon in Your Shorts?
–– While you’re in them?
She’s 29, the World’s Most Famous Bagpiper, and Her Secret Is ‘Free Bird’
–– Prepare to never be able to listen to it again.
In an Experimental Composition, 50 Pianos Tuned to Slightly Different Frequencies Play Together
–– In scheme to drive audience mad, have committed, leave estate to corrupt executor.
Bethpage Black comes close to boiling over as frustrated American fans crank up the heckling of Team Europe at Ryder Cup
–– Scum were all Bethpage White.
Ryder Cup emcee Heather McMahan steps down after leading ‘f–k you Rory’ chants
–– Caused uprory.
Trump responds as Rory McIlroy taunts president over Ryder Cup victory
–– Like garbage scow always leaves trash in his wake.
Mets owner Steve Cohen apologizes to fans after team misses playoffs: 'The result was unacceptable'
–– But, pretty typical. Only 11 post-season appearances in 63 years.
MLB says robot umpires are coming in 2026. Fans should embrace them.
–– As long as mangers can still kick dirt on them.
Trump Adviser Says ICE Will Be at 2026 Super Bowl Amid Bad Bunny Being Named Halftime Headliner
–– In cutest cheerleader outfits.
Former racer Danica Patrick slams NFL for hiring Bad Bunny for Super Bowl: 'No songs in English should not be allowed'
–– So he should only sing in Spanish?
Meta Builds AI Center the Size of 70 Football Fields. Residents Near Similar Facility Say They're 'Scared to Drink Our Own Water'
–– That they passed in fear.
Walmart CEO wants ‘everybody to make it to the other side’ and the retail giant will keep headcount flat for now even as AI changes every job
–– And then he’ll escort workers to afterlife?
‘I don’t know why I need to go to college’: Ford CEO says his Gen Z son worked as a mechanic and wondered if the 4-year degree was still worth it
–– Less of worry when dad makes $24.9 mil a year.
On Pennsylvania Ave., Michael Milken’s Curious Temple to the American Dream
–– Capital dome.
Why You Should Think Twice About Getting a ‘Canyon’ Piercing
–– No dirty cracks.
Rite Aid officially closes all locations after bankruptcy fining
–– Never got rite aid.
The Old-School Deli Meat You Don't See Anyone Eat Anymore
–– True, can't remember last time we had Olive Loaf Béarnaise with an amusing Montrachet.
The Fish Dish At Cracker Barrel That's Silently Winning Friday Nights
–– Clammed up?
The Worst Seafood Chain Restaurant Totally Flops In The Side Dish Department
–– Do provide empty dish on side for vomit.
12-Foot Alligator Wrestled Out of McDonald’s Parking Lot, and It didn’t Happen in Florida
–– Although meat was sent there for McGator Happy Meals.
Meet the first American to win ‘Best Cheesemonger in the World.’
–– Grate.
I Asked 4 Chefs To Name the Best Fast Food Hot Dog, and I Can't Believe the Winner
–– Not ‘wiener’? C’mon!
How Hours of Unedited 'To Catch a Predator' Footage Shaped 'Predators,' a Doc That Connects Chris Hansen to America's True Crime Addiction
–– Who's kidding who?
Ex-Wall Street Star Accused of Abusing Women in Penthouse Sex ‘Dungeon’
–– Cell low.
Judge in Charlie Kirk shooter case appears to warn Trump as he says he won’t ‘put finger on scale of justice’
–– “Especially one that’s spent so much time up ‘there.’
Mormon church gunman was Marine ‘who supported Trump’
–– So we already know he was unhinged.
Marine awarded Purple Heart charged in deadly North Carolina waterfront bar shooting
–– Let’s hear it for Semper Die!
In the wake of several mass shootings, FBI director calls for bureau’s intelligence operation to ‘evolve’
–– Knuckle-dragger Patel needs to evolve.
Man confesses in TV interview to killing his parents: "It was so quick"
–– ‘Hardly any fun at all.’
Diddy Sobbed During His Sentencing Hearing: Here's When His Lawyer Handed Him a Tissue
–– With lube.
Diddy Sentenced to Four Years in Prison
–– Diddy do it.
Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs sentenced to more than four years in prison on prostitution-related charges
–– And series of punishing courtroom drawings.
9 animals that changed the world: From tragic space dogs to the wolf that died of from a broken heart, meet the creatures who shaped history
–– 4. Earth-shaking worm.
This ancient blue-blooded sea creature has saved countless human lives
–– Horseshoe crab's blood used as test for endotoxins in vaccines. JFK Jr. wants them tossed.
Scientists found a 650-year-old shoe in a vulture nest. That’s just the start of it.
–– And a 750-year-old sock!
Scientists sink cow 1,629m into South China Sea, then massive animal appears in the gloom
–– Isn't cow holding breath bigger story?
Scientists Finally Found Phosphine on a Brown Dwarf. Here's What That Means for the Search for Extraterrestrial Life
–– Was little guy smuggling it?
Astronauts work through the U.S. government shutdown
–– Getting paid in moon rocks.
Jim Mitchum, 'Thunder Road' Actor and Son of Robert Mitchum, Dies at 84
–– Mitch matched.
The oldest-ever president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints dies at age 101
–– Prophet and loss.
Jane Goodall, Who Chronicled the Social Lives of Chimps, Dies at 91
–– Not there when chimps are down.
