Witless Tampering
Week of 12/04/20
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Rudy Attempts to Shush Unhinged ‘Witness’ During Election Fraud Hearing
–– Well, laudy, laudy, laudy, Miss Fraudy!
Quibi Is Officially Dead
–– From self-inflected wounds.
Trump's election lies are part of a much broader strategy. Here's how it works
–– Deny reality, spread bullshit.
Trump and the GOP raises a whopping $207M since Election Day
–– For all those whoppers he told.
How Is Trump’s Lawyer Jenna Ellis ‘Elite Strike Force’ Material?
–– Strikes farce.
Biden calls on Trump to attend inauguration: ‘It is important in only one sense’
–– ‘Humiliating the bastard.’
Biden’s popular vote margin over Trump tops 7 million
–– ‘Elite Strike Force’ just found 7.5 million Trump ballots in Bermuda Triangle.
–– Ripped from headlines!
Hannity consoles Giuliani over press conference when 'a little Just for Men came down your cheek'
–– In latest slang for jizz.
Roger Stone claims North Korea boated in votes for Biden ‘through a harbour in Maine’
–– Yeah, Bah Harbor.
Alabama congressman plots to overturn Electoral College certifying Biden’s election win
–– Sounds like ol’ Mo ‘What Me Worry?’ Brooks.
Republican lawmaker likens Trump vote-fraud crusade to the search for Bigfoot
–– It got Sasquashed.
Is Trump really going to run for president again in 2024?
–– Oh, sure –– using lost votes Giuliani recovers for him this cycle.
Attorney for Jared Kushner and a Trump fundraiser investigated by DOJ in alleged bribery-for-pardon scheme
–– If you catch their grift.
Biden apparently plans to keep Christopher Wray as FBI director, 'unless Trump fired him'
–– Wray's hopes.
Trump Residences at Mar-a-Lago Are Being Renovated While Melania Looks at Fla. Schools for Barron: Sources
–– Bedrooms converted to panic rooms.
White House communications director Alyssa Farah resigns
–– Says, ‘Like, there was just no more communicationing to do.’
Fauci accepts offer of chief medical adviser role in Biden administration
–– Thrilled to be working for ‘vibrant young man.’
Rotten Tomatoes Revamps 'Top Critics' Program With an Eye Toward Inclusion
–– Can't have enough uninformed opinions.
Warner Bros. Smashes Box Office Windows, Will Send Entire 2021 Slate to HBO Max and Theaters
–– Retitle service HBO Min.
Trump awards football coach Lou Holtz the Medal of Freedom
–– Holtz in high regard.
McConnell says ‘compromise is in reach’ on stimulus, but dismisses Democrats’ concessions as meaningless.
–– And he’s Bismarck of Baselessness.
Stimulus Optimism Grows, and Congress Gets Job-Market Alert
–– They’re all on monster.com?
Trump Pentagon nominee spreads debunked conspiracies and tweets suggesting Trump declare martial law
–– Yes, we already know qualifications.
When the Bombs Go Off, the Blood Is on Mike Flynn’s Hands’: Retired Officers Blast His Calls for Martial Law
–– Martial arse.
Four Skin Conditions That Become More Common as You Age
–– How about foreskin conditions?
Kate Beckinsale Elevates Her Bandeau Bikini With Sky-High Platform Sandals
–– Trips, falls on bikini a-hole.
Can These Period Underwear Crusaders Convert You?
–– From the 60s? 70s? Oh, that time of the month.
NYPD body cameras are 'a powerful tool' but don't reduce use of force, report says
–– Useful for newscasters.
James Corden in ‘The Prom’ Sparks Critic Outrage: ‘Offensive’ and ‘Worst Gay-Face’
–– Don’t mince words.
Robert Kraft Had His Charges Dropped After Allegedly Getting a Hand Job In a Massage Parlor. The Women Didn’t
–– He had the pull.
’Is he just coming to bring Covid’: Democratic Georgia candidate launches blistering attack on Trump state visit
–– C’mon, dude! He brings racist dog whistles. Baseless voter fraud claims. And batshit-crazy brags!
Trump reportedly derailed a GOP meeting about the Georgia Senate runoffs by praising QAnon
–– A Conspiracy of Douches.
In Georgia, some Trump supporters turn to Parler, a platform for a parallel universe
–– Where they belong.
Mitch McConnell acknowledged pressure to deliver more COVID-19 stimulus and said he thinks Congress can do it this month
–– So ponders actually doing job?
Seattle to Slash Police Budget as Homicides Hit Highest Level in over a Decade
–– Seattle slue.
'Rocky IV' at 35: Dolph Lundgren on putting Sylvester Stallone in the hospital and scaring Carl Weathers
–– If we're celebrating shit sequels why not Return to Oz, Friday the 13th: A New Beginning, A View to a Kill?
On the same day China landed a probe on the moon, the US's massive telescope in Puerto Rico collapsed
–– Was so upset watching PRC triumph.
China releases image of its flag on the moon as spacecraft carrying lunar rocks lifts off
–– Renames orb Lunar Autonomous Region of China.
China’s Chang’e Probe Explained
–– In English, please!
Nasa to pay $1 to collect rocks from moon
–– Or send convicts up with sacks, shovels.
China ‘greatest threat to freedom’, says top US intelligence official
–– ‘After my boss leaves office, that is.’
China has done human testing to create biologically enhanced super soldiers, says top U.S. official
–– In special unit to be led by Dolph Lundgren, JCVD.
Top Hong Kong politician announces he is living in exile in Denmark and pledges to move to UK
–– Until he finishes holiday shopping.
Researchers observe what could be the first hints of dark bosons
–– Serving on freighters below equator.
Uncle Sam throws Huawei CFO a bone in her extradition fight, but deal will require an admission of wrongdoing
–– Neither here gnaw there.
Trump Claims He’ll Veto Defense Spending Bill Unless Congress Repeals Legal Shield for Social Media Companies
–– Threatens to launch Operation Twitter Storm.
Education Secretary Betsy Devos calls student debt forgiveness 'a truly insidious notion' and free college 'a socialist takeover'
–– Can anyone forgive her stupid debt?
Trump talks of 'another four years' during White House Christmas reception
–– Even Death is like, 'We shall see.'
Brad Parscale says Trump would have 'won by a landslide' if he showed empathy during COVID
–– Even while completely bungling response?
‘I gave every inch of my life to him': Brad Parscale opens up about final days in Trump campaign
–– Which is worth about $1.56 per.
Biden’s doctor says he has hairline fractures in his foot after slipping while playing with his dog
–– Hairline of dog that bit him.
Trump was ‘muttering, I won, I won, like ‘Mad King George’ after election defeat, report says
–– If Mad King George was more like Curious George.
Trump wanted to file 'one big, beautiful lawsuit' claiming election fraud, but says his lawyers told him he didn't have legal standing
–– 'Had enormous hooters, great ass, grabbable pussy…'
GOP congressman calls party's refusal to acknowledge Biden's win a 'massive grift' and says Trump 'forgot he was serving people and not himself'
–– And didn't remember for next four years.
Former top cybersecurity official says Trump firing by tweet was 'not how I wanted to go out'
–– Had expected President to host gala honoring him, 'most secure election ever.'
Top cybersecurity official fired by Trump says allegations of foreign interference in 2020 election ‘farcical'
–– The Krebs of wrath.
Trump lawyer Joe diGenova says election security chief fired by the president should be 'taken out at dawn and shot'
–– Squad goals.
–– Don't all rightwingers coax bull?
Jon Voight warns country ‘in great danger’ if Joe Biden takes office
–– Promises Deliverance.
Kamala Harris Gets A Big Laugh Out Of Another Trump Run: 'Please'
–– Kamalahaha.
Harris Adds to a Diverse Staff Where a Majority, Like Their Boss, Are Women of Color
–– What does ‘diverse’ mean again?
Six people sent to hospital after unknown smell prompts evacuation of Amazon building in California
–– Kelsey asked to not microwave salmon curry in lunchroom anymore.
Kim Jong-Un is reportedly displaying 'excessive anger' over the economic impact of the coronavirus pandemic, ordering the execution of two people
–– Which always makes him feel better.
A fight broke out between lawmakers. Pig guts were thrown
–– Taiwanese pols have Taipei personalities.
Mike Tyson vs. Roy Jones Jr.: Everything you need to know about the fight
–– They need the money.
'Frontline Battle' between former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson and Roy Jones Jr. ends in a draw
–– And a bore.
Toddler busted after creating secret hiding space in cabinet to watch cartoons, eat crackers
–– Did nab contract as Hey! Play! Toy Toolbox spokesbaby.
Teacher who adopted her former student, his brother eliminates over $48,000 in debt
–– By selling them.
California Man Punches 350-Pound Bear that Attacked his Pet Dog
–– Noble until you read was pit bull.
Doritos Is Bringing Back This Beloved Snack After 20 Years
–– Bags removed from shelves in 2000 still pretty fresh.
The Child has a name in a Kurosawa-influenced Mandalorian
–– Grow goo?
Jon Favreau Told Baby Yoda’s Real Name to ‘Mandalorian’ Team ‘Early On in Season One’
–– Didn't stop laughing until Season 2, Week 5.
‘Edward Scissorhands' writer says Johnny Depp used to greet her 'every morning with a margarita'
–– Cut lime himself.
John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson reunited for a Christmas commercial filled with 'Pulp Fiction' references
–– Vincent vaguer.
How Francis Ford Coppola Got Pulled Back In to Make ‘The Godfather, Coda’
–– Had to abandon directing grandkids' puppet theater.
Diane Lane's teenage obsessions: 'I'm still scarred by A Clockwork Orange'
–– She must've been an awfully sensitive child.
How Liam Hemsworth Feels About Miley Cyrus Saying There Was "Too Much Conflict" in Their Marriage
–– Relief like every other part of split.
Cardi B defends her use of the R-word after she was 'chewed up' on Twitter: 'They want you to be Mother Teresa'
–– 'A Wet-Ass Paragon.'
All The Rules Restaurants Have To Follow on 'Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives'
–– 1. Provide 3 gallon puke bucket for host.
Cher sings to 'the world's loneliest elephant'
–– Strangles self with own trunk.
Shave for a Sandwich! Here's How You Could Get a Free McRib When They Return to McDonald's
–– Will need to shave rat hair off McRib.
Former Hamburger University worker sues McDonald's, alleging a coworker sexually assaulted and harassed her for years
–– Couldn’t keep hands off buns.
Biological invasion risk from 'edible insect' industry, study warns
–– Bug avengers on the march?
The influencer who sold a naked childhood video of herself on OnlyFans apologized and said she is 'detached from reality'
–– As is anyone she influenced.
Cops arrest influencer over 'inappropriate' photoshoot at ancient pyramid: 'Insulting the great Pharaonic history’
–– Tut, Tut.
Man's Wife Makes Him Sell His PlayStation 5 After Realizing It Wasn't an Air Purifier
–– First cleared air.
Harry Styles Mocks Candace Owens’ Call to ‘Bring Back Manly Men’
–– Life Styles of the rich and femous.
Tony Hsieh’s Nitrous Oxide Use, Love of Candles May Have Contributed to Tragic Death
–– No laughing matter.
Missing boater is found clinging to his capsized boat off Florida's east coast
–– Buoy, oh buoy.
Queen Elizabeth II's dorgi Vulcan has died, leaving her with just one remaining dog
–– Consigned to fires of Underworld.
Who is Carrie Symonds? The rise and rise of Boris Johnson’s fiancée
–– He apparently got rise out of her.
Prince Charles launches limited edition scarf
–– Into Buckingham Palace crowd with air cannon.
Melania Trump in discussions about writing her own memoir, reports say
–– First in discussions about learning writing.
Facing the first loss of their voting lives, young Republicans are surprisingly hopeful, but want the GOP to work for Gen Z
–– Pass Zombie-friendly laws.
Justice Department rushing to expand execution methods like firing squads for federal death row inmates
–– Can they extend to punishment of treason?
US Air Force appeals ruling against urban training in Idaho
–– As they continue search for actual city there.
An invasive, snake-like hammerhead worm is popping up in Georgia
–– Gets bad rap?
This global airline has no passengers, no cargo and flies just one way
–– Straight into ground.
Lamar stands firm in his last days in the Senate
–– Steady Lamar?
The Time Is Now for Saudi Arabia To Normalize Relations With Israel
–– While it still has PM who can relate to chopping up journalists.
Detained former Saudi crown prince fears for his life
–– But MBS wouldnt hurt a fly. He has royal swatters for that.
Iran suffers more humiliation with killing of nuclear chief. But no one in the world's most febrile region wants war
–– No fever pitch?
Former CIA Director John Brennan says the assassination of a top Iranian nuclear scientist was 'criminal' and risked inflaming conflict in the Middle East
–– Fears Iran deficiency.
Trump has given up on Iran policy in his last weeks in office and told Pompeo he can do anything he wants, as long as it doesn't 'start World War III,' report says
–– Pompeo has taken to calling Khameini Khamaniac, Shia Shits, Imams Imama's Boys.
Pompeo says State Department will 'honor' promise to conduct transition to Biden administration
–– Promises interns won't wipe asses on every report they send over.
Pompeo says Iran 'desperately' keen to return to talks for sanctions relief
–– Creating desperation administration’s signal achievement.
The race against time to save Pompeii
–– Um, eruption was 1941 years ago.
Climate Point: Climate change disrupts life from the Hopi Reservation to Louisiana
–– Only because they’re on planet Earth.
Salmon are dying off and your car tires might be to blame
–– If you’re driving through hatcheries.
US plans to protect thousands of miles of coral reefs in Pacific and Caribbean
–– Definitive proof Trump’s not paying attention.
Swans are spinning in circles, bleeding from their nostrils, and collapsing dead amid an outbreak of avian flu in Europe
–– Swan song.
Biden on Trump administration distributing vaccine: 'There is no detailed plan'
–– Trump unprepared?! Say it ain’t so, Joe!
A Jewish doctor who treated a patient with Nazi tattoos says the pandemic has tested his compassion
–– Sort of anti-Mengele.
Trump’s Covid response has been ‘great human tragedy,’ says Mitt Romney
–– Perpetrated by subhuman.
Almost All COVID Transmission Is Happening in These 5 Places, Doctor Says
–– East Wing, West Wing, Rose Garden, Presidential Emergency Operations Center, Oval Office.
Exclusive: FDA chief had 'robust discussion' with White House about vaccine timelines
–– Chief of Staff Meadows stayed awake.
Some Black and Latino Americans are still hesitant to take the vaccine. Here's what is fueling that distrust
–– It’s not even available?
Pence’s political future hinges on how he leads the White House Coronavirus Task Force
–– So he has none?
’China is a hard rock. It won't be beaten by virus'
–– Gifted to U.S. so it would be.
Germany says it dealt with COVID-19 so well that some people doubted the virus' existence, and broke the rules. It just reported its highest daily death toll, at 487.
–– Sounds just like incredible U.S. success.
Bruce Springsteen, Jon Bon Jovi and Jon Stewart to fellow New Jerseyans: 'Wear a friggin' mask!'
–– 'You ugly mofos!'
Letitia Wright faces backlash after sharing anti-vaccination video
–– Wakanda’s resident genius?
ESPN's Kirk Herbstreit apologizes for floating conspiracy that Michigan would use COVID-19 to avoid playing Ohio State
–– Took page out of plaguebook.
More Mass. Residents Than Ever Have The Coronavirus. Where They Caught It Is The Mystery
–– From other Mass. residents maybe?
Trump’s national security advisor and his entourage were said to be treated as 'human petri dishes' in Vietnam, as the US COVID-19 outbreak worsens every day
–– What they get for Da Nang seriousness of pandemic.
Europe's ski resorts are facing the 'season from hell'
–– Downhill all way.
South Dakota's governor encouraged people to go shopping the same day the state reported its highest single-day COVID-19 death total
–– For shrouds.
Trixie the whale shark dies at the Georgia Aquarium
–– Had been accused of voting for Biden.
Valéry Giscard d’Estaing, Who Struggled to Transform France, Dies at 94
–– From COVID with complications of chronic haughtiness.
Lon Adams, who developed the recipe for Slim Jim jerky, dies of Covid-19
–– In three months corpse will achieve same texture as snack.
Frank Carney, Co-Founder of Pizza Hut, Dies at 82
–– Two Irish brothers in Wichita? No wonder pies taste like shite.
David Prowse, the original Darth Vader, dies aged 85
–– Really crosses over to dark side.
Wrestling trailblazer Pat Patterson has died at 79
–– Pat down.
