Sorry Oz Situation
Week of 11/13/20
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
After Joe Biden's win over Donald Trump, relief sweeps through America's allies
–– Unclenched sphincters, change of diplomatic briefs.
QAnon Struggles to Keep the Faith
–– ScrewAnon.
Will Trump try to pardon himself on his way out of the White House?
–– Never before said ‘excuse me’ for awful behavior.
Election Officials Directly Contradict Trump on Voting System Fraud
–– Head fake.
Trump Takes Credit For 'Most Secure Election Ever' But Says It Was 'Rigged'
–– Like Titanic.
‘Never bet against me’: Trump and his allies dig in despite election defeat
–– Throwing dirt over selves.
Trump Might Not Squat in the Basement of the White House on January 20, but He’ll “Likely” Go To the Grave Refusing to Concede
–– Will likely squat in every corner before exit.
The GOP's Post Office Election Fraud 'Whistleblower' Just Took It All Back
–– Sucked so hard swallowed whistle.
Eric Trump’s Latest Attempt To Question The Election Goes Awry
–– Which he pronounces ‘Oww! Rye.’
Fox News host Geraldo Rivera appears to break with Trump, saying that the time is 'coming soon to say goodbye with grace & dignity'
–– Where would he buy those? Where would you?
Karl Rove gently explains that Joe Biden beat Trump in Rupert Murdoch's Wall Street Journal
–– Tries to never rise above two syllables.
Republican Congressman Helped Organize Ugly Far-Right Protest Against Election Result
–– Gosar has face for it.
‘There’s damage to this’: Obama slams GOP for lining up behind Trump’s fraud claims
–– But only in real world.
Van Jones: Trump is strapping the country onto his own kamikaze plane
–– Latest Banzai scheme.
Trump Goes Nuclear Against Fox News for Not Pretending He Won
–– He’s both fat man, little boy.
Jon Voight Thinks He and Donald Trump Are in “Our Greatest Fight Since the Civil War”
–– In least funny episode of Drunk History.
What Will Trump’s Most Profound Legacy Be? Possibly Climate Damage
–– Lady Justice: ‘Hey, take a look at me over here!’
Ken Paxton Fought Trump’s Legal Wars From Texas. Now He’s in Trouble.
–– Pregnant with Trump’s bastard.
Trump blew up Tiktok and now nobody knows what's going on
–– Kind of like average user.
Trump’s public schedules show little interest in work as he protests Biden's legitimate election
–– Not acting as President for next two months? Another win!
Despite Biden win, secretary of state says there will be "smooth transition to a second Trump administration"
–– The Turd Reich.
‘He Is Playing With Fire Now”: Why Mike Pompeo’s Postelection Trump Worship Carries Real Risks
–– And own poo.
Navarro: White House’s operating ‘assumption is a second Trump term’
–– And your stay in loony bin.
Dye Another Day? Trump’s Hair Dominates Talk in First Public Speech Since Election Loss
–– Entire reduced post-loss budget goes for Man Tan.
Melania Trump Reportedly Plans to Decorate the White House for Christmas One Last Time
–– With entrails of least favorite staff.
Stacey Abrams Allowed Herself 17 Minutes to Celebrate Trump’s Loss
–– With vibrating Joebot.
Cardi B Says She Should've Done Her "Research" Before Posing as a Hindu Goddess
–– But Wikipedia entry ‘sooo long.’
All’s Fair in Love and Warnock? Georgia Senate Race Heats Up as Sen. Kelly Loeffler Unleashes Attacks Against Reverend
–– QAnon Nut Raps Rev as Warlock!
Rep. Matt Gaetz Slammed on Social Media for 'Creepy' Tweet to Trump's Daughter Tiffany
–– Wanted to get into minor Tiff.
Bumble is reportedly planning for a 2021 IPO
–– Bee there.
Senator-elect Tommy Tuberville flubs basics of the Constitution, World War II and the 2000 election.
–– Apparently coached too much college football with helmet off.
Charles Koch Says His Partisanship Was a Mistake
–– Dumb and Koch.
Charles Koch says he regrets fueling partisanship: 'Boy, did we screw up!'
–– Down and sideways.
Retiring diplomat says defense officials misled Trump on troop count in Syria
–– Also tricked him about number of fingers on own hand.
GOP Rep. Furious after Syria Envoy Boasts His Team Fooled Trump
–– After Trump bamboozled him for 4 years.
Solar CEO is relieved the next president isn't a climate denier
–– Brightened his day.
Botched statue restoration draws Mr. Potato Head comparison
–– Was supposed to be Minion.
We knew platypuses were incredible. Now we know they glow, too
–– When you plant one on puss.
Zuckerberg: Bannon's beheading comments aren't enough to ban him from Facebook
–– Won't he place ban on?
Once the Disease of Gluttonous Aristocrats, Gout Is Now Tormenting the Masses
–– But can we still blame rich white guys?
Dolly Parton ‘ain’t got time’ to age: ‘I’ll look as young as my plastic surgeons allow’
–– She said out of side of neck.
Larry David's daughter Cazzie addresses Pete Davidson breakup: 'It was a really pivotal moment'
–– Puts her spin on it.
Oscar-winning filmmaker says pervert is impersonating him to trick actresses
–– Directed aptly titled Peter and the Wolf.
Shocked by Trump’s Loss, the Cuban-American leader of the Proud Boys has said the group isn't explicitly for white supremacists, but a previously ousted underling tried to stage an unhinged, anti-Semitic, racist coup
–– Ain’t too Proud to beggar imagination.
‘All Combat Takes Place at Night’: Kyle Rittenhouse’s Lawyer Urges Trump Fans to ‘Dust Off’ Gun Rights
–– Should dust, off selves.
The far right is cracking up, as their violent fantasies of Trump's fascist takeover evaporate
–– We’re cracking up, too.
Parler: A New Social Media Hangout for Conservatives
–– Parler tricks.
Smallville’ Actress Allison Says She Joined The Nxivm Cult Because She Was 'Lost'
–– And Google Maps had HQ marked as Starbucks.
Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker was ‘a betrayal of the mentally ill’, says Gone Girl director David Fincher
–– Like Benjamin Button didn’t demean old babies!
Jeffrey Toobin fired from The New Yorker after exposing himself on a Zoom call
–– Failed to pan out.
Jeff Dunham Inks 3-Special Deal With Comedy Central
–– For all you dummies out there.
Katie Holmes and Her Pasta Empire Boyfriend Are “Riding a Beautiful Wave Together”
–– He: ‘Issa like we sliding hand-in-hand down bigga sheet of lasagna.’
Ammonite: Not Just Another Lesbian Corset Movie
–– Corset is.
Kylie Minogue becomes first woman to top album chart across five decades
–– Expected to be Kylie unlikely.
Kate Mara Had a 'Horrible Experience' on Fantastic Four : 'I Regret Not Having Stood Up for Myself'
–– So did we.
Diane Keaton's Daughter Dexter Engaged to Her Boyfriend Jordan White: 'I Can't Believe' It'
–– Diane: ‘Neither can I. He left me for her?’
’Genius Dog Challenge' kicks off to determine whether 6 of the world's smartest dogs can learn new names
–– ‘Good Boy’, ‘Good Girl’.
Researchers decipher family tree of Milky Way
–– Under Milkwood.
These Male Spiders Tie Up Females Before Sex to Avoid Being Cannibalized
–– And record on web cams.
Two-million-year-old skull of human 'cousin' unearthed
–– 'Cousin' family never grunted about.
Let’s not forget this group when we say 'thank you for your service' on Veterans Day
–– Chaplains at military burials?
AOC lashes out at Democratic party over lack of support: ‘I didn’t even know if I would run for re-election’
–– Poop Squad.
The Election’s Over, but Not the Stress. Any Edibles Left?
–– NY Times enabling potheads?
The Surprising Reason the Queen & Kate Middleton Wore Multiple Poppy Brooches
–– 5-year-old Princess Charlotte dressed them.
Prince Charles and Camilla, In Her Poppy Face Mask, Lead Armistice Day Services
–– Connoting hit of heroin she just took.
Iranian Paralympian faces the death penalty
–– That's how Imams roll.
Joe Biden Shows Off New Hat And Trolls Trump’s MAGA Slogan In The Process
–– Pissed doff.
Norman Lear Celebrates "Most Joyous" Morning in His 98 Years With Biden Victory
–– Touching, but a little sad for kids.
Lindsey Graham says the Republicans will never win another presidential election if they don't 'do something' about mail-in voting
–– From your lips to Zippy’s ear.
Clyburn: I no longer recognize Lindsey Graham
–– Was he in Mae West drag again?
Texas senator suggests it's too soon to declare Biden the winner because Puerto Rico is still counting votes
–– In latest PR offensive.
Mikaela Spielberg Is a Sex Worker. And She’s Never Been Happier.
–– Playing Hook.
Customer wanted to show his gun to a cop at a Bal Harbour restaurant. The chef wound up shot
–– Served leg of Blam!
Trump selling off private helicopter worth more than $1m
–– Attention: choppers.
Trump advisor Kimberly Guilfoyle reportedly offered to give a lap dance to the person who donated the most money at a campaign fundraiser
–– The worst is yet to cum!
Salt Life Founder Said He Shot 18-Year-Old by Accident — and Victim Was Girlfriend: Affidavit
–– Assault life.
UK peer ‘should be ashamed’ for calling Kamala Harris ‘the Indian’, says former top Biden official
–– ‘You’re deuced lucky I didn’t bloody well call her a wog!’
People are calling out CNN host Van Jones for saying that Kamala Harris walked out to Beyoncé instead of Mary J. Blige before her victory speech
–– O Blige us with apology!
‘Her story is our story:' Alpha Kappa Alpha sorority sisters bask in Kamala Harris' victory
–– aka AKA.
Theta forms in the Atlantic, making 2020 the most active hurricane season on record
–– Like Sorority rave.
Whole Foods will 'insure' your Thanksgiving me
–– Stops short of life policies for turkeys.
Chipotle's new 'cuffing season' menu is a direct affront to me, a person who has been single for 13 months, 19 days, and 23 hours
–– You’d have to be manacled to eat there.
Ex-ballerina arrested for killing estranged husband amid custody battle
–– Authorities leap to conclusion.
N.M. Woman Allegedly Killed Grandfather with Xanax, Ambien Overdose So She Could Inherit Lake House
–– Sequel to The Big Sleep.
Aaron Sorkin Explains Why 'The Newsroom' Felt Like a "Pebble in the Shoe"
–– To us more like ‘itching powder in jock strap.’
Barr authorizes prosecutors to investigate voter fraud, despite lack of evidence
–– In Operation Wild Goofs Chase.
DOJ's top election crimes prosecutor quits in protest after Barr tells federal attorneys to probe unsupported allegations of voting irregularities
–– Did expose nerve in own agency.
McConnell: Trump is "100% within his rights" to weigh his legal options
–– Will need precision scale measuring milligrams.
News anchor suspended for asking why 2020 'took' Trebek, not McConnell
–– Even Hell is like: 'We can wait.'
Trump adviser overseeing campaign legal challenges gets coronavirus, sources say
–– President had demanded 'sick fuck' for job.
Trump election dead-enders have a home on Fox News and right-wing radio
–– Though signal barely reaches bunkers.
Those wild firework drones after Joe Biden's victory speech, explained
–– Joe’s speech typically accompanied by drone.
Trump campaign announces Rep. Doug Collins to lead Georgia recount effort
–– Biggest loser nearby.
Trump fires Secretary of Defense Mark Esper
–– Giving him something to lead with on resume.
Trump says Defense Secretary Mark Esper has been ‘terminated’
–– Racist does everything with ‘extreme prejudice.’
No, not that Four Seasons. How Team Trump’s news conference ended up at a Northeast Philly landscaping firm.
–– Their Fall season.
‘Don’t be ridiculous': Rudy Giuliani learns about Biden win from reporters – video
–– ‘That’s why I'm here, comically flapping my arms in front of a landscaping firm!’
Keep on digging: Trump team holds press conference at suburban garden centre
–– Sod, but true.
The Trump legal team’s failed Four Seasons press conference, explained
–– Intend to mulch entire Administration.
‘Lawn and Order!’ ‘Make America rake again.’ The (other) Four Seasons is selling merchandise.
–– ‘Weed the People.’
Man featured at Giuliani press conference is a convicted sex offender
–– All participants lewdly exposed selves to nation’s children.
How 'Obamagate' and Hunter’s 'laptop from hell' fizzled
–– See above.
McDonald’s announces new chicken sandwich and 'McPlant' burger
–– Which you’ll want to bury in rich soil.
Woman, 91, reportedly survives fall at home by eating plant soil over two days
–– Then ‘dished’ dirt.
Voters Say Black Lives Matter Protests Were Important. They Disagree On Why.
–– Blue Ripple provides clue.
After Biden win, Black activists demand reparations for slavery, police reform
–– For moderates, payback's a bitch.
Ted Cruz, contradicting legal experts, says Trump still has ‘a path to victory.’
–– Over strewn bloody corpses.
Bush congratulates Biden, says election was 'fundamentally fair' and 'its outcome is clear'
–– Former Worst-President-Ever to be joined in retirement by current undisputed champ.
Claims that dead people voted went viral. These are the facts
–– Over 72 mil brain dead did.
‘Queer Eye’s’ Bobby Berk: Living paycheck to paycheck taught me to hustle
–– Where he got plenty of tips.
Iceberg Headed for Sub-Antarctic Island Could Threaten Wildlife
–– Seen carrying rifle.
Monster Crocodile in Malaysia Euthanized After Being Shot in Head
–– Suspected suicide attempt.
Could endangered species and other animals fare better under Biden?
–– Is son big game Hunter?
This Florida man invented a robot that inserts and removes your contact lenses for you
–– Nicknamed Pokey.
Anderson Cooper On Calling Trump An 'Obese Turtle': 'I Regret Using Those Words'
–– After Yertle complained.
U.S. reports record 153,400 new Covid cases as Dr. Fauci urges Americans to be careful: 'It is not futile'
–– In latest slang for ‘possible’.
Ukrainian president hospitalized with Covid-19 as country hits new case record
–– Still better than receiving call from Trump.
Outdoor Dining Tents Raise Questions of Virus Safety as Winter Nears
–– Enjoy the spread!
Coronavirus vaccines: Medicine not money motivates husband and wife behind the jab
–– Do expect jab security.
Trump and Pence celebrate Pfizer's COVID-19 vaccine success, but the government didn't fund its development
–– Take credit where credit's undue.
Pastor Selling 'Virus Proof' Shirts Holds Mass Gathering At Church
–– Goes beautifully with tin foil ‘Proof of Conspiracy' hats.
White House Outbreaks Persist, as Cases Now Span Three Months
–– And more than thirty morons.
Prolific Polish Industry Keeps Cameras Rolling Amid Pandemic Woes
–– Poles vaulting.
How N.Y.C.’s Conservative Bastion Became a Virus Hot Spot
–– Yo, whoopdee-freakin’-doo.
Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump moved their kids to a new school after parents complained about the couple not following coronavirus protocols, report says
–– Brats kept trying to pour bleach down other kids' throats.
Hugh Grant: Covid-19 makes you 'want to sniff strangers' armpits'
–– Pervert: ‘More?’
Denmark plans to cull up to 17 million mink to stop mutated coronavirus
–– Spokesmink: ‘Not cull, dude.’
Ben Carson, Trump’s housing secretary, tests positive for the coronavirus.
–– Wasn’t brain surgery.
Norman Lloyd Turns 106: ‘He Is the History of Our Industry’
–– Largely forgotten?
The Oldest Man in Congress Mocked COVID, and Now He Has It
–– Name is Young if you want more irony, from Alaska less.
Peter Sutcliffe, UK killer known as the Yorkshire Ripper, dies with coronavirus
–– Jacked the Ripper.
Norm Crosby, "Master of the Malaprop," Dies at 93
–– Foot-in-mouth decease.
Robert Sam Anson, ‘Bare-Knuckled’ Magazine Writer, Dies at 75
–– Knuckled under.
Alex Trebek, long-running 'Jeopardy!' host, dead at 80
–– Who was #1 in game show dead pool?
Alex Trebek died of pancreatic cancer — think twice before saying he ‘lost his battle’ with the disease
–– Was ‘differently triumphant’?
Trump among long shots to replace Alex Trebek as 'Jeopardy!' host
–– Right behind slower Menendez brother, over-ripe pumpkin.
