Dripping With Sarcasm
Week of 11/20/20
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Rudy Giuliani’s Hair Dye Streaks Down Face After ‘My Cousin Vinny’ Performance
–– Turkey basted with gravy before appearance.
CDC’s New Guidance: Do Not Travel for Thanksgiving
–– Give thanks for not infecting Nana.
Giuliani Is Said to Seek $20,000 a Day Payment for Trump Legal Work
–– How much for stand-up routines?
Trump advisers reportedly think Rudy Giuliani is encouraging election lawsuits so he can get paid
–– Plus bottomless thirst for humiliation.
New York Times: Rudy Giuliani put in charge of Trump's election lawsuits after series of losses
–– Memory, credibility, dignity.
Rudy Giuliani's son, Andrew, positive with COVID a day after attending news conference with father on election fraud claims
–– Wanted in on comedy of errors.
Trump’s legal adviser Jenna Ellis in 2016 called him an 'idiot' and said his supporters didn't care about 'facts or logic'
–– Which is how she now self-identifies.
‘She has to finally come to a decision’: GSA chief Emily Murphy faces blowback as nation awaits vote certification
–– Murphy's Lawless.
‘It’s a terrible situation': Inside a government bureaucrat's pressure-filled decision to delay the transition
–– Yeah, doing Constitutional duty signing document must be brutal.
The Trump official blocking Biden's transition is apparently looking for her next job, according to a new report
–– Barista?
Trump told ally he's trying to get back at Democrats for questioning legitimacy of his own election
–– By shitting self? Novel strategy.
Trump Press Sec McEnany Says PA Poll Watchers Were 'Football Field Away'
–– In Administration’s latest Hail Mary pass.
Trump’s tweets have become increasingly impotent but his lies are getting bigger by the day
–– Need crane to erect.
We are a nation of laws, not tweets': Republican Sens. Romney and Sasse decry Trump efforts to challenge election
–– For four years, the opposite.
Stop the Steal's massive disinformation campaign connected to Roger Stone
–– Start the Steal, too.
Trump Fires Christopher Krebs, Official Who Disputed Election Fraud Claims
–– Krebs out.
GA secretary of state: I'm a proud Trump supporter but numbers don’t lie
–– So equal fan of fiction, fact?
Georgia’s Republican chief election official says Trump would've won the state by 10,000 votes if he hadn't 'suppressed his own voting base'
–– Baseless claim.
Atlanta Mayor: Donald Trump Would ‘Eat His Own Children’ If He Found It Prudent
–– Thinks he knows meaning of prudent? Does she?
GOP Sen. David Perdue Declines To Debate Democrat Jon Ossoff Ahead Of Georgia Runoff
–– Runoff at mouth?
Lindsey Graham: Calls for Trump ally to resign over Georgia phone call
–– Texts, too?
Lindsey Graham says Biden should begin receiving national security briefings even while Trump's election litigation plays out in court
–– Like Noises Off.
Lindsey Graham Takes His Trump Fealty to a New Level
–– In latest slang for ass-suckery.
Will Warnock's Anti-Israel Views Determine who Controls the Senate?
–– Warn knock.
Why Republican voters say there’s ‘no way in hell’ Trump lost
–– Because that’s where they’re at.
Lara Trump: President Will Make Public Appearance If 'Right Thing' Happens
–– Doo-doo the 'right thing.'
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows says he 'can't guarantee' the federal government will avoid a shutdown next month
–– In January, yours definitely will.
Tucker Carlson’s ‘Dead Voters’ Report Has Embarrassingly Blown Up in His Face
–– Splattered with dirt, bone, putrefied flesh.
Michelle Fischbach, new Minnesota congresswoman, awaiting concession call from 30-year Democrat she beat
–– Fox News idea of moral equivalency.
New York Times previously sounded alarm on how easily electronic voting machines can be hacked
–– So, Fox, why couldn’t Russia hack for Trump?
Pompeo seen as auditioning for 2024 on Israel trip while he organizes at home
–– He wouldn’t be cast in community theater production of Death of a Salesman.
Trumplomacy: Mike Pompeo eyes history on Israel swansong trip
–– History flips both birds.
’Jetman’ Who Flew Beside a Plane Dies While Training in Dubai
–– Death-defining stunt.
Join Me In Marveling At How Well The Cast Of "Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire" Has Aged In The Last 15 Years
–– Barely look a day over 30!
Husband's fingerprints found on murder weapon used in cam-girl wife's death
–– Shot in high def.
Trump canceled his annual plan to spend Thanksgiving at Mar-a-Lago, as aides describe a 'bunker mentality' at the White House
–– Will convict dozens of turkeys at White House, oversee public execution.
The unexpected link between pies and coffins — plus more Thanksgiving dessert trivia from food historians
–– Mince meat.
Trump's Favorite COVID Adviser on Thanksgiving: Old People Might Die Anyway
–– Stuffing body bags.
Pumpkin pie is garbage, and Miami hates turkey. Here’s why a small Thanksgiving is best
–– Right, Florida voted for Pumpkin lie.
Tofurkys are selling like hotcakes
–– Or hotcaks.
One in three elderly Covid-19 patients are delirious, study finds
–– Helping explain Trump vote?
I’m not a f---ing socialist’: Florida Democrats are having a postelection meltdown
–– Middle of the roadkill.
Woman threatened to shoot DeSantis, Rubio, Scott for ‘looting’ Florida, deputies say
–– Wanted to cast absentee bullet.
Elon Musk Says We Need to Live in Glass Domes Before We Can Terraform Mars
–– You first.
Canó receives 162-game PED suspension
–– Dontcha know?
Andy Murray rejects underarm serve criticism, insisting 'it's a pretty successful tactic'
–– Cites pit falls.
Nigella Lawson butters her toast twice, and Britain is really angry about it
–– She can butter ours thrice.
Candace Cameron Bure says sex ‘is something to be celebrated as a Christian’
–– Adapts Missionary position.
Naomi Campbell’s Lifelong Beauty Secret Is Available at Your Local Drugstore
–– With prescription to amphetamine.
Whitney Cummings tries to understand those she 'disagrees with'
–– Have another think, Cummings.
Kevin Hart fans are calling comedian ‘unfunny’ following new Netflix standup special
–– Jokes over his head.
Bacon bad: Woman allegedly slugs cop trying to impound her pet pot belly pig
–– Box of swine.
My Dog’s Favorite Toy Looks Like a Salad Bowl (and Costs Less Than Sweetgreen)
–– Something to chew on.
Your iPhone can recognize any song that's playing with just a tap — here's how to set it up
–– When it can turn any song off let us know.
Cramer: Travelers won't be worried about flying Boeing 737 Max
–– Served honey roasted Xanax.
A Trump speechwriter who was sacked in 2018 for meeting white nationalists has been rehired to oversee US Holocaust memorials
–– Or overlook?
In shock move, U.S. abandons drugs case against ex-Mexican defense minister
–– General Cienfuegos’ check to Trump Defense Fund cleared.
Kurt Russell Thinks Celebrities 'Should Step Away' from Being Vocally Political: 'We Are Court Jesters'
–– Even if King is Joffrey?
25-year-old man 'had the audacity' to make himself a pizza as he stole cash and a delivery car from a California pizzeria, police say
–– Rolling in dough.
Mnuchin's Fed move is like stripping Titanic of its lifeboats, economist says
–– After year of rearranging deck furniture.
Kyle Rittenhouse says he used stimulus money to buy the gun he allegedly used to kill two during Wisconsin protest, Washington Post reports
–– Confirms it got him off.
Kenosha murder suspect Kyle Rittenhouse posts $2 million bond, no longer in custody
–– Bond. Jerk's bond.
Marvel Star Pokes Fun At Chris Evans' Penis Pic In Trash Talk Video
–– He should poke back.
Suspect in Rick Moranis sucker punch attack arrested in New York
–– Little shot of horrors.
Jamie Lee Curtis officiated wedding of 'Halloween' superfan moments before his death
–– Michael Myers beheaded him.
Ellen DeGeneres Thanks Her Staff After Winning People’s Choice Awards
–– People like people who hate people.
‘Ammonite’ Costume Designer Michael O’Connor on His Moodboard and the History of Fisherman’s Sweaters
–– Woven tighter than film’s plot.
Sex, yodeling, and skinning knives: The true, wild story behind the making of Jewel's Pieces of You
–– Yodel? Lay he who?
‘Disrespectful’: Cocaine queen’s son complains JLo is ignoring his advice about film
–– Warns of ‘snow job.’
Why ‘The Crown’ Season 4’s Prince Charles Appalls Royal Experts
–– Ties ‘em in Windsor knots.
Margaret Thatcher’s Remaining Fans Are Coming For The Crown
–– In gold-plated wheelchairs?
Keith Richards: 'I'll celebrate the Stones' 60th anniversary in a wheelchair'
–– His’ll be hemp-plated.
Maria Bakalova worried her Borat audition was part of a human trafficking scheme
–– Had same thought interviewing Giuliani.
Nicki Minaj Promises "Raw, Unfiltered" Look at Her Life in HBO Max Docuseries
–– Like cesspool.
Spike Lee Sets Film Musical On Pfizer’s Pre-COVID Miracle Drug: Viagra
–– Expect hard shoot.
Hyenas dragged a man from his bed and mauled him to death
–– Who’s laughing now?
Skipper speaks out after encounter with aggressive pod of Orcas
–– Was Ayahh!-pod.
Pickup truck-sized asteroid came less than 300 miles from hitting Earth
–– Carrying meteor.
Ancient Dog DNA Reveals Their Enduring Connection With People
–– Found on tail bone of Neanderthal.
U.K. Faces Major Puppy Shortage As Animal Theft Rockets
–– And more pooches are jailed.
The Hummer is making a comeback -- and this time, it's all-electric
–– Just to get Schwarzenegger to buy another.
China's tech authoritarianism too big to contain
–– Great Windfall.
Ant Group is still capable of securing the world's biggest IPO, says Chinese investor
–– But no picnic.
Hungary, Poland block 2021-2027 EU budget, recovery package
–– Were sure Budapests.
Biden Would Reportedly Prefer Not to Investigate Trump’s Many Crimes
–– Only has four to eight years.
Biden promised a 'railroad revolution' that could see faster trains and a return to Amtrak's nostalgic past — here's what Americans might see
–– Eastern blocheads.
Joe Biden's Irish supporters are celebrating the victory of their 'favorite uncle' as he faces Boris Johnson over Brexit
–– Guinness tout.
Obama said he was surprised at top Republicans who did a 'complete 180 on everything they claimed to believe' to align with Trump
–– Screwy Uey and 'Do he?'
Obama says Biden victory won’t be enough to stop US ‘truth decay’
–– Needs to brush up on puns.
Barack Obama won’t join Biden administration because Michelle ‘would leave me’
–– Heeds Michelle command.
Obama says 'the bling, the women, the money' in rap music could explain Trump's increased appeal to some rappers and Black male voters
–– Trump's always been Notorious PIG.
Barack Obama Recalls How Complaining Parents Forced Him to Quit Coaching Sasha's Basketball Team
–– On fast Barack.
Sarah Palin blasts Barack Obama as 'a purveyor of untruths'
–– Who?
Obama's Memoir Glosses Over His Horrific Drone War
–– Glides over it?
Forget Baby Yoda, 'The Mandalorian' fans' new favorite character is Frog Lady
–– By leaps and bounds.
John Candy was reportedly only paid $414 for his cameo in 'Home Alone' and the film's director said he always felt bitter about it
–– Had real sour ball.
Ex-Harvard Fencing Coach, Parent Charged In $1.5 Million Admissions Bribery Scheme
–– In violation of thrust.
America’s largest militia says it will refuse to recognise Biden as president and ‘resist’ his administration
–– Oaf Keepers sooo scary.
Esper memo warned conditions weren't met for withdrawal from Afghanistan
–– Entitled Pull Out: All the Stops.
McConnell says Trump's Afghan troop reduction will 'delight' U.S. enemies
–– They’re aroused every time they see Mitch’s scrotal countenance.
Pulling US troops out of Afghanistan would be as 'humiliating' as Vietnam War defeat, top Republican says
–– But nowhere near humiliating as you denying Trump rout.
Nigeria threatens CNN with sanctions but provides no evidence Lekki toll gate investigation is inaccurate
–– Lekki dogs.
Israel's stunning assassination of an Al Qaeda chief inside Iran suggests a major deal was cut with the US
–– Permission slip.
Ishita Malaviya, India's first female surfer, is changing her country's perception of the ocean
–– Yep, all 1.35 billion of ‘em.
Who is Ratan Tata’s trusted office companion?
–– Ratatouille?
Mystery signal coming from inside the Milky Way is repeating itself
–– Had nova on bagel for lunch.
Don’t poo-poo it! Indian dung festival celebrates end to Diwali
–– Shit yeah.
Why the world's largest ice cream company is betting on home delivery
–– Scooper poop.
Alaska Airlines flight hits bear on runway during landing
–– Lost bearings.
Trump’s coal rescue was doomed from the beginning
–– Took his lumps.
Ole Miss football coach 'couldn't care less' whether his son ever plays after player's injury in practice
–– Happy to game plan other kids’ brain injuries.
Democrats seek to avoid scorched-earth fight with White House over transition to Biden administration
–– Tough to scorch pre-scorched earth.
Trump acknowledges Biden ‘won’ for the first time, insists election was ‘rigged’
–– Goes full Ahab.
‘Don’t you dare ask us to go quietly into the night’: Fox News hosts lash out at Democrats telling Trump to concede
–– ‘Jeanine Pirro, please go quietly into the ground.’
–– Already deep-sixed Zarah Leander Sings Horst-Wessel-Lied 78.
Trump-appointed election official says president’s claims are ‘baffling’ and court evidence ‘laughable’
–– Adjectives apply to all aspects of Administration.
Coronavirus concerns may have kept Trump from meeting newly-elected GOP lawmakers in person at White House
–– Or maybe he didn’t want them to see him bawl.
’Million MAGA March' Pro-Trump Protest Clowned for Underwhelmingly Low Turnout
–– Was more like Minion MAGA March.
The 'Million MAGA March' Didn't Meet Its Target Number, but Brought Violence to D.C. as Expected
–– Most participants couldn't count past 1,000.
Donald Trump praises his supporters who fought with 'Antifa scum' in brawls near the White House
–– Doh! Antifa so la-di-da.
Philadelphia city council apologizes for approving the police bombing of one of its Black neighborhood's killing 11 people, including 5 children
–– Didn't just MOVE on?
Mike Pence suggests the Trump administration will be in place for four more years despite Biden victory: 'That's the plan'
–– Plot sickens.
GOP Congresswoman-Elect Says Closed Washington, D.C., Gyms Are Under 'Democrat Tyrannical Control'
–– 'Like Donkey King!'
Ben Carson says he was 'desperately ill' from Covid but is now 'out of the woods'
–– Glade where he frolicked naked paying obeisance to woodland demon Trump?
White House coronavirus adviser calls on Michigan residents to 'rise up' against lockdown restrictions
–– What a revoltin' development!
Michigan Gov. Whitmer slams Trump adviser who encouraged residents to 'rise up'
–– Rebel yelp!
Stanford distances itself from Dr. Scott Atlas after he urges resistance to public health measures
–– They’re like ‘Scott, alas…’
Dr. Fauci says the Covid outbreak isn't a political issue: 'You can't run away from the data'
–– Especially when big, fat lumbering 74-year-old.
Key West will require everyone to wear a mask and can fine anyone who doesn't up to $500
–– Including your parrot.
Waffle House reveals why it will never shut down indoor dining again unless it's forced to, as the CEO takes a stand against lockdowns
–– Even when diabetes rate hits 20.5%.
Catholic diocese and Orthodox Jewish synagogues ask Supreme Court to block New York's Covid limits
–– Remove stigma on suicide if so anxious to meet maker.
Dolly Parton helped fund Moderna's Covid-19 vaccine research
–– Dolly would.
Trump congratulates himself for vaccines happening ‘on my watch’
–– Wants credit for chocolate chip cookies, sunrise.
Ben Carson Claims a Potentially Toxic Plant Extract Touted by the MyPillow Guy Cured His COVID-19
–– Failed to live up to potential.
California Governor Gavin Newsom Tightens COVID-19 Restrictions In 40 Counties: “We Are Now Moving Backwards Not Forwards”
–– “Dig my moonwalk.”
Wuhan releases new promotional video to boost tourism
–– Slogan: Catch the travel bug!
Spanish study finds dog owners have 78% higher risk of catching Covid
–– Curonavirus.
This clever trick prevents glasses from fogging up while wearing a mask: 'No fog my friends!'
–– Mini Wipers.
These GOP governors long resisted mask mandates and coronavirus rules. Now their states are in crisis
–– Dead red states.
As deaths spiral, South Dakota governor opposes mask rules
–– Mount rush morgue.
South Dakota ER nurse recalls how dying coronavirus patients spend last minutes insisting virus isn't real
–– Trying to imagine what Gov. Kristi Noem would say…
