Won't You Beat My Neighbor?
Week of 10/16/20
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Joe Biden town hall likened to an episode of Mister Rogers
–– Trump’s to Mister Hyde.
We’re watching Trump’s 7th bankruptcy unfold
–– And we’re collateral.
‘Worst self-own I’ve seen this political season': Mr. Rogers trends after Trump adviser goes after Biden town hall
–– Lousy self-own reception.
Savannah Guthrie's Questioning of Trump Sees Social Media Following Soar
–– Like Belted Kingfisher.
Trump Just Clarified His Position on Masks, QAnon, Abortion, His Taxes, and White Supremacy: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
–– Shrug burn.
Pushed on taxes at town hall, President Donald Trump doesn't deny $400 million in debt
–– Admits he's in red state.
Mayra Joli, nodding lady at Trump town hall, is ex-beauty queen who ran for Congress
–– And part-time bobblehead doll.
Sen. Sasse Slams Trump In Constituent Call: He's 'Flirted With White Supremacists'
–– ‘Have you seen him in his snug tennis whites making eyes at the Proud Boys?’
Former White House chief of staff tells friends that Trump 'is the most flawed person' he's ever met
–– Acronym for Foul Liar And Wildly Evil Degenerate?
Human blood tastes like 'salty and sweet' candy to mosquitoes: study
–– Strictly savory to vampires.
A swing state that’s ‘fluid all the way down the ballot’
–– And tells you it’s raining.
A Profanity Filter Banned the Word 'Bone' at a Paleontology Conference
–– Whereas Cocksuckeraptor snuck by.
Shithouse and The Kid Detective Are the Best New Films of the Week
–– In praise so faint it took radio telescope to detect.
Disney Plus Adds Content Warning Screen to 'Dumbo,' 'Peter Pan'
–– Protecting pirates from anti-lootists.
James Cameron and Wife Suzy Amis Petition to Become Permanent Guardians of Daughter's Friend
–– In Aliens’ director’s new bid to appear human.
R. Kelly was beaten in jail while 'no one raised a finger,' attorneys say
–– Not even middle one?
Meet MyMilitia, Where Right-Wing Extremists Find Friendship and Fantasize About Violence
–– Not Fascistbook?
Eric Trump Mocked For Claiming Boat Parades Are Proof The Polls Are Wrong
–– He had ‘super-cool’ one in bath tub last week.
U.S. Justice official accuses Barr of 'scorn for apolitical prosecutors'
–– And fair play, justice, Constitution.
Adelsons Pump $75 Million Into Pro-Trump Super PAC In Election's Final Stretch
–– Using rectal rehydration device.
Poll: Graham leads Harrison in South Carolina Senate race
–– Charleston choose.
Ice Cube says CNN cancelled interview as they 'can't handle the truth'
–– Relationship on rocks.
Padres Player Tommy Pham Stabbed Outside Strip Club: 'It Was a Very Traumatic and Eye-Opening Experience'
–– Apparently not Pham favorite.
French Open champion helped to victory by sports psychologist
–– She took all of Swiatek’s backhands.
Ex-police chief-turned-pinup model accused of illegally collecting workers comp
–– Asked for checks to be stuck in G-string.
Japan to release 1m tonnes of contaminated Fukushima water into the sea – reports
–– Not near Monster Island!
Syrians struggle to pick up pieces after Beirut explosion
–– Not enough cranes?
Saudi Arabia refused place on UN human rights panel
–– Chairing human remains panel.
‘Grubby charade': Sister of leading jailed Saudi women's activist begs Ladies European Tour golfers to boycott Saudi event
–– Bag it.
Iran says hackers attacked two of its key institutions
–– Republican Guard, Beard Club for Men.
Iranian regime being killed softly with US sanctions, says Israeli spy chief
–– And your song.
Dubai launches new program to attract remote workers
–– Who need 120ºF reason not to leave apartment.
Ultimatum signals modest US goal in Iraq: Avoid defeat
–– Not 13 years too late?
Guinea elections: The 82-year-old seeking six more years
–– Guinea tease?
Michigan Charges 8th Man In Alleged Domestic Terrorism Plot To Kidnap Gov. Whitmer
–– Billed in credits as ‘Idiot #3’.
Michigan sheriff urged to resign after ties to domestic terrorists in governor kidnapping plot emerge
–– Or must play Yakety Sax at every public appearance.
Peter Frampton: 'I was kept high. If I needed cocaine, he made sure I had it'
–– Didn't fret.
Miranda Kerr Calls Katy Perry 'Amazing' as Singer Heads Back to Work 6 Weeks After Giving Birth
–– Anything to escape screaming brat.
A T. Rex Sold for $31.8 Million and Paleontologists Are Worried
–– They believed Jurassic Park?
French ex-president Sarkozy charged with 'criminal conspiracy'
–– Sarkozyed up to Libyans.
Ben Affleck Reunites With His Two Great Loves—Ana de Armas and Matt Damon
–– Vodka stayed home?
Review: ‘American Utopia’ is a once-in-a-lifetime adaptation of David Byrne’s Broadway show
–– Duh! Spike Lee’s not going to film it again.
Romesh Ranganathan apologises for jokes he made when he was EIGHT
–– Which is hilarious, but he’s serious?
Gal Gadot as Cleopatra is a backwards step for Hollywood representation
–– How do you think that makes Ptolemaic Dynasty half Greek/half nobody-knows feel?
Sam Smith Explains Why They Got Kicked Off the Dating App Hinge: 'They Thought I Was a Catfish'
–– They’s gotta be kidding.
Boston news anchor fired for cameo in Adam Sandler's 'Hubie Halloween'
–– Should lose equity card, citizenship.
Why Cooper Hefner Is Backing Biden Over 'One-Trick Pony' President Trump: 'Our Democracy Is Not a Game'
–– One trick: get you to play dead.
Trump Claims Obama/Biden Years Marked by 'Chaos, Hatred & Discord'
–– So he was jealous?
Rudy Giuliani Is My Father. Please, Everyone, Vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.
–– So brave –– to admit he’s father.
Experts Say Attack On Hunter Biden's Addiction Deepens Stigma For Millions
–– Let’s be fair, they’re
Beto O’Rourke to teach state politics at Texas Sate University this spring
–– Run-off at mouth?
Trevor Noah Defangs Trump’s Embrace of Bin Laden Conspiracy Theory
–– Was already long in the tooth.
Richard Gere Called His Neighbor Martha Stewart to Ask for a Cake She Made on Today Segment
–– She gave him stale one from last week.
A tiny boat was discovered on a remote beach 27 years after it was launched by teachers
–– Lesson learned?
O’Brien takes indirect shot at Milley over Afghanistan drawdown
–– Went off half-cocked.
Khloe Kardashian sometimes she likes to 'f**k' with trolls
–– Once dated Grendel.
Trump administration blocks California wildfire relief
–– Smoke scream.
Chris Christie says he was in ICU for 7 days battling Covid-19, urges Americans to wear masks
–– Fat chance.
Chris Christie, Still Recovering From COVID, Urges Trump to Fully Embrace Masks
–– Thinks Zorro-style will help for election.
Trump Says 'Great Thing About Being President' Is Doctors Treating COVID
–– Nice perk if you can get it.
Fresh Off COVID-19, Donald Trump Tells Supporters He Wants to “Kiss Everyone”
–– Crowd unbuckles belts.
Rare copy of Shakespeare's First Folio sells for record $10M
–– All's wealth that ends Will.
Fatigue is a factor': Political exhaustion weighs on voters in rural Wisconsin
–– Gee, what hardy folk.
Cows prefer to co-moo-nicate in person, research suggests
–– Don’t udderly milk soycial moodia?
How Mike Pence learned about the fly on his head
–– Next day crawled out of ear after devouring 1/8th of brain.
Mike Pence Admits He Was Oblivious To The Fly On His Head During Debate
–– Shithead regularly attracts them.
Facebook, Twitter Put Restrictions on New York Post’s Hunter Biden ‘Smoking Gun’ Story
–– Fake fake news!
West Virginia governor says coronavirus spread at schools is "very minimal"
–– ‘Screw the little buggers and their teachers.’
Chinese President Xi Jinping tells troops to focus on 'preparing for war'
–– To be fair, that is their trade.
Fox News portrayed it as one of the biggest scandals in American history. Then it fell apart
–– Oh, shit, we were on our second bottle of champagne when we realized scandal fell apart.
Mark Hamill said 'Star Wars' creator George Lucas never lived down how bad the 'Holiday Special' was
–– And Chapters IV through VI?
‘Do you think it was a deer or something?': South Dakota officials release 911 audio from AG Jason Ravnsborg's fatal crash
–– The poor dear.
Melania Trump rips former adviser's tell-all as 'an attempt to be relevant'
–– Or 'wevelant.'
Melania Trump Is Reportedly Avoiding Donald Trump to Protect Her Reputation
–– And pussy.
Before racial slur, Pennsylvania's second lady was best known for her big heart
–– And can now have ‘Called N-word by Idiot Racist’ on tombstone.
Mail carrier's quick thinking helped a man who accidentally cut himself with chainsaw
–– Express Mailed severed hand to OR.
Watch this adorable giant panda cub's gender reveal
–– As it burns down bamboo forest.
Machu Picchu reopens for a single tourist who's been stranded in Peru for seven months
–– Where he’s sacrificed to Incan Sun God.
UN warns that world risks becoming 'uninhabitable hell' for millions unless leaders take climate action
–– Instead of ‘semi-habitable hell’ Americans currently live in.
Goodbye 'Finger Lickin' Good.' Here's KFC's new signature sauce
–– ‘Glove Lickin’ Good.’
What Happens to Your Body When You Don't Change Your Underwear
–– Nobody’s getting close enough to find out.
Buffalo Bill’s House from ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ Could Be Yours
–– Has good bones.
Church burns altar where priest had sex with two women, Louisiana archbishop says
–– Like Satanic Beast with two backs.
Armed groups say they will show up to polling sites on Election Day, and experts are afraid it will intimidate voters
–– Why would deranged peas-brains with guns do that?
Tupac relative says the Trump campaign was 'clearly disrespectful' to leave a ticket for the late rapper at the vice-presidential debate
–– Maybe he was there in spirit?
Indian man who fasted for four days ‘to pray for Trump’s coronavirus recovery’ dies of cardiac arrest
–– Supporting Trump shrunk heart.
Tony Dungy says Dak Prescott's injury might be a 'blessing in disguise' for Cowboys
–– Dungy jumping.
Colin Kaepernick calls to abolish 'White supremacist' police, prisons: 'F---k reform'
–– Colin cleanse.
Protesters topple statues of Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt in Portland
–– In latest Pro-Trump action by shit-brained anarchists.
Why Donald Trump still has a shot against Joe Biden
–– See above.
Tourist returns stolen artifacts to Pompeii after suffering 'curse' for 15 years
–– Volcanic eruptions in bathroom.
Tommy Tuberville’s Financial Fumbles
–– As Mayor of Tuberville?
The 2020 NBA Finals Ratings Are Historically Bad. But Why?
–– Total basket case.
Record-breaking python killed in Florida Everglades hunt
–– Coiled around Whitesnake’s Greatest Hits.
See the record-smashing T. rex that sold for $31.8 million
–– We knew LPs were old tech, but Wow!
Acclaimed jazz pianist attacked by teens in subway station
–– Riff raff.
Woman goes into labor in the middle of the bar exam
–– Switching from Corporate Law.
Everything I Know About Elite America I Learned From ‘Fresh Prince’ and ‘West Wing’
–– You’re bragging?
Laura Ingraham: Pelosi unveils plan to remove Joe Biden from office
–– And other post-stroke hallucinations.
Jane Fonda, 82, says she has no time for sex: 'I’ve had so much of it'
–– Used to be Fonda it.
Pabst Blue Ribbon Just Released a Hard Cold Brew That Combines Booze and Caffeine
–– For however you want your cheap headache.
Bankrupt car rental firm Hertz gets $1.65B lifeline, stock soaring
–– No slogan: 'Hertz? Not really.'
Trump’s ‘Level of Cruelty … Infects the Population,’ James Murdoch Says
–– Son of Zero.
Biden-Harris hay bale display in Massachusetts set on fire 24 hours after it was finished
–– Last straw?
Trump reportedly wanted to rip open his button-down to reveal a Superman T-shirt to surprise people when he left the hospital
–– Or Superspreader.
Eva Longoria Does Intense Weight Training And Yoga Sessions On The Reg
-– During that time of month?
Bill Burr's 'SNL' Monologue Criticized for Jokes on White Women, Cancel Culture, and Pride Month
–– Burr under their saddle.
2 Maine police officers were fired and charged over allegations they killed 11 porcupines with their batons
–– Spinal taps.
Bob Dole says none of his Republican friends on the presidential debate commission support Trump
–– That’s meant as praise, no?
Nurse who spoke at RNC arrested for shooting woman in the stomach
–– And not with hypo.
Two who served in the Marines are among those charged in plot to kidnap Michigan's governor
–– Semper fie.
Can Trump Squeeze More From His White Base in Pennsylvania and Beyond?
–– Like last splotch of spackle.
'I could be one of the diers': Trump recognized own mortality after COVID-19 diagnosis, according to a report from New York Magazine
–– Dier straight?
Rapper Tory Lanez charged in shooting of Megan Thee Stallion
–– Took it on hoof.
Barrett doesn't say one way or another if President Trump can pardon himself
–– Awaiting his instructions.
Barrett: I'm "not here on a mission to destroy the Affordable Care Act"
–– ‘It’ll just be collateral damage.’
Amy Coney Barrett stresses late Justice Scalia's influence in opening statement to Senate
–– Like Svengoolie.
Don’t Be So Sure a Justice Barrett Would Overturn Roe
–– Does 95% = ‘So’?
Crapo Scoffs At Implication Barrett Will Be A Judicial 'Activist'
–– We know what he’s full of.
First time in American history we've nominated a woman who is 'unashamedly' pro-life: Sen. Graham
–– Graham wouldn’t recognize shame if it bit him in ass.
Romney cites Trump's rhetoric as he denounces 'vile' state of American politics
–– But ‘hunky-dory’ to slam through Court nominee during election?
U.S. Senate's McConnell says it is 'reprehensible' that social media platforms blocked stories
–– And he's Lord High Minister of Reprehensible.
Disdainful Mark Meadows Refuses Reporter Request To Put On His Face Mask
–– In latest slang for ‘fucking asshole.’
Of Course the Trump Administration Warned Its Rich Pals How Bad COVID-19 Was Going to Get Bad While Telling the Public Everything Was Fine
–– What are fiends for?
Elizabeth Warren demands investigation into elite investors accessing Trump briefings
–– Make shits list.
Americans may have to "bite the bullet" and sacrifice some Thanksgiving gatherings, Fauci says
–– If shot wild turkey’s not properly cleaned.
Americans Are Dying In The Pandemic At Rates Far Higher Than In Other Countries
–– World chumps.
Who will get the vaccine first? Here's where you might land in line.
–– Hopefully behind ’unexpected side effect.’
Tobacco Plants Contribute Key Ingredient For COVID-19 Vaccine
–– Can you roll your own?
Idaho college investigates reports of students intentionally contracting Covid-19 to sell their plasma
–– Blood simple.
GOP governors in spiking states strain for silver linings
–– Shit selves.
Kim Jong Un gets emotional over Covid efforts and unveils new missile
–– Actual, potential death always evoke tears of joy.
John McCain's mother, Roberta, dies at 108
–– Known for raising McCain.
Joe Morgan, Hall of Fame Second Baseman, Is Dead at 77
–– Dead Red.
Margaret Nolan, ‘Goldfinger’ Model and Actress in ‘A Hard Day’s Night,’ Dies at 76
–– Gilt by association.
Tom Kennedy, Host of 'Name That Tune' and Other Game Shows, Dies at 93
–– Name that tomb.
