Mickey Rook
Week of 10/18/19
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Mulvaney admission deals blow to White House impeachment defense
–– Sounds like he’s dealing blow.
Where does fake movie money come from?
–– Fake Russians?
Mulvaney brashly admits quid pro quo over Ukraine aid as key details emerge
–– Brags about his micro penis.
Trump Leans Into Corruption, Decides to Host G7at Trump Doral
–– Even Corruption is like ‘You sure, dude?’
Pelosi: Trump had 'meltdown' over my questions
–– 'Looked like grilled Cheddar on pumpkin bread.'
Schumer Says Trump Called Pelosi A ‘Third Grade Politician’ During White House Meeting
–– Last year he paid attention in social studies.
The Latest: Pelosi says 'all roads seem to lead to Putin'
–– Russian agents redirected signs to Rome.
Trump Aides in Pelosi Photo Look Like They Wish 'Ground Would Swallow Them'
–– But they’re already in Hell.
Ukraine Newspaper's Front Page Features Trump's 'Shady Cast of Characters'
–– Local crooks jealous.
Will Rick Perry be the next to turn on Donald Trump?
–– Like feral hamster.
Rick Perry won't commit to answering subpoena
–– Because he knows he won’t understand it.
Mitt Romney marches alone: ‘I don’t believe I’m leading a wing of the party’
–– Just a dumbstick.
5 Takeaways From Tuesday's Democratic Debate: The Elizabeth Warren Pile-On
–– 3. That is one unsexy political maneuver.
Joe Biden responds to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's endorsement of Bernie Sanders
–– ‘Better you than me.’
Marianne Williamson isn't on the debate stage but reminded people she's still running
–– Even when there she’s not really.
Cory Booker is running for president in 2020. Here's everything we know about the candidate and how he stacks up against the competition.
–– You needed to be told he was.
Why Rosario Dawson Says Puerto Rico Is the One Place That Keeps You Feeling Recharged Long After You've Left
–– Dealer Juan has some really good shit.
I'm not Russia's asset! Tulsi Gabbard's bizarre boast in 2020 debate
–– No one’s really.
Mattis laughs off Trump criticism: 'I guess I'm the Meryl Streep of generals'
–– In Lamer vs. Lamer.
How Food Brought Success to a Chef, a Cookbook Author and a Restauranteur
–– What else would’ve?
British Family Detained By ICE After Unlawfully Entering U.S. From Canada
–– Suspected of being crumpet mules.
Cartel gunmen terrorize Mexican city, free El Chapo's son
–– Nicknamed Chappy.
Prince Harry says every camera flash takes him back to Diana's death
–– Should really change line of work.
Princess Diana Lovingly Sits on Prince Charles’ Lap, Kissed By Heir In Photo
–– Heir kiss?
’The Irishman' is Martin Scorsese's best-reviewed film of all time
–– By online critics who think it’s about Lucky Charms leprechaun.
Netflix and Steven Soderberg’s Panama Papers Movie, 'The Laundromat,' Has Sparked a Lawsuit
–– Instead of viewer interest?
Hugh Grant Complains the Cinema He Saw Joker in Was Way 'Too Loud': 'Unendurable'
–– Could actually hear stupid dialogue.
Greta Thunberg suggests Extinction Rebellion protesters should break the law during demonstrations
–– Sounds like high school punk band.
Is Annoying People the Right Way to Combat Climate Change?
–– Or wait til they’re put out by drowning?
Thom Yorke and Brian Eno say they’re climate hypocrites in open letter
–– Not to mention all the noise pollution.
40,000 people are about to run a marathon in the world's most polluted city
–– When they blow chunks, it will be air.
The Maldives has the most ambitious plastics phase-out plans of any nation on earth
–– Hope they’re recycling into life rafts.
Florida GOP Regrets ‘Lost’ Decade on Climate Change
–– ‘Lost’ century on Capitalism.
Qatar Is Air-Conditioning the Outdoors Because of Climate Change
–– Finally, a solution to global warming!
How Did Dinosaurs Beat the Heat? Answer Lies In Blood Vessel Cluster
–– Not outdoor AC?
Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter just became the longest-married presidential couple
–– Diamond Gooberlee.
Thieves pick 7,000 pounds of apples off the trees in a Michigan orchard
-– Rotten to the core.
What Are the Side Effects of the Ketogenic Diet?
–– Aside from chronic mockery?
What Hunter Biden did on the board of Ukrainian energy company Burisma
–– Was Biden his time.
Donald Trump Jr. is unironically attacking Hunter Biden for profiting off his father's name
–– Looks to nail Irony Man competition.
Kamala Harris to Donald Trump Jr: 'You wouldn’t know a joke if one raised you'
–– Harris tweak.
Trevor Noah Mocks Trump's Sons For Complaining About Nepotism
–– Born with silver spoon in ass.
Eric Trump on paying contractors: We pay ‘people when they do great jobs’
–– So entire WH staff should be stiffed?
Celebrities mourn the loss of 'rock star' Cummings
–– Cummings undone.
Trump on Cummings: "His work and voice on so many fronts will be very hard, if not impossible, to replace!"
–– ‘Now get me another black guy to slam!’
Security Guard Fired For Asking Student to Stop Calling Him N-word
–– Red**tio ad abs**dum.
Leonardo da Vinci's 'Vitruvian Man' cleared to go to the Louvre
–– If he puts some pants on.
This Robot Can Solve a Rubik's Cube. With One Hand.
–– Need supercomputer to calculate how often that will be useful.
This Robotic Trash Can Takes Itself to the Curb
–– For when you’re ready to throw out one that solves Rubik’s cube.
AB InBev accuses rival of obtaining the secret recipe for Bud Light
–– Specifying exact quantities of cat piss.
Walmart Rolled Out InHome Delivery Service In Three Cities, Bringing Groceries Directly To Customers' Fridges
–– While removing excess valuables.
Mark Hurd, Oracle CEO, has died
–– Who could have predicted?
‘Maude’ Star Bill Macy Dies at 97
–– Not to be Maudelin.
Frank Zappa Marks 50th Anniversary of 'Hot Rats' With Massive Reissue
–– Where there are plenty of flames, hot rats.
–– Get out!
Kurt Sutter Fired From FX for Being an "Abrasive Dick"
–– Sounds painful.
The 'blob': Paris zoo unveils unusual organism which can heal itself and has 720 sexes
–– Don’t even ask its preferred pronouns.
Massive Citizen Science Effort Seeks to Survey the Entire Great Barrier Reef
–– All that human activity should be great for it.
Fish In Piranha-Infested Waters Has Among the Toughest Scales On Planet
–– C major, B-flat major.
Hundreds of birds kill themselves by crashing into NASCAR Hall of Fame
–– Making flit stop.
People are reporting sightings of the Tasmanian tiger, thought to be extinct
–– Being ridden by animated Devil.
A massive mastiff had to be rescued after getting exhausted on a mountain hike
–– Huge St. Bernard with keg of milk around neck made it halfway to him, collapsed.
Czech Republic's Sedlec Ossuary, aka 'Church of Bones,' to ban selfies
–– By boneheads.
Researchers hope DNA testing may finally prove whether bones found on a remote island were Amelia Earhart's
–– Or some other flighty theory.
Kevin Hart Crash Driver Jared Black Back on the Horse
–– They revoked automobile license?
If You Don’t Want to Have Kids, You Don’t Have to Want a Career Instead
–– So here’s crack pipe.
Oklahoma judge miscalculated how much Johnson & Johnson would pay for the state's opioid crisis
–– Was too doped up.
David Cameron calls Boris Johnson a ‘greased piglet’ before backing Brexit deal
–– Oh, he’s full-sized porker.
PM Johnson hails 'great' new Brexit deal but DUP says 'no'
–– DUPE.
Ron Ely's Son Called 911 After Stabbing Mom Valerie and Tried to Blame His Elderly Dad for Murder
–– Tarzan and cheater.
Felicity Huffman reports to prison to start two-week sentence for college admissions scam
–– Will include many pronouns, subjects, verbs.
Jeremy Renner’s Former Nanny Claims He Told Her He Wished His Ex-Wife Dead
–– While handing her bow and arrow?
Trump’s Top China Adviser Quoted a Made-Up Expert in His Books and Can’t Believe We Didn’t Spot It Sooner
–– Greg Foo Young did sound suspicious.
Xi warns any effort to split China will end with 'bodies smashed and bones ground to powder'
–– Well, that wasn't inscrutable.
LeBron James: Morey 'wasn't educated on the situation' when he tweeted in support of Hong Kong protests
–– King James anxious to share lessons from Little Red Book.
Universal's Beijing Theme Park Adds Alibaba as Strategic Partner
–– To open doors.
A man walked more than 300 miles to have sex with a 14-year-old girl, prosecutors say
–– Ped crossing.
Zombieland: Double Tap took so long to make because "the scripts weren't right"
–– Waited until script was all wrong.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez chokes up during climate speech: My 'dreams of motherhood now taste bittersweet'
–– Blame carbon content.
AOC Reveals How She Got Over Her Fear Of Public Speaking
–– Fell in love with sound of own voice.
Farrow: AMI had 'secret safe' of Trump documents
–– Codenamed Stormylocks.
Press organization condemns fake massacre by Trump depicted at pro-Trump event
–– Promises to televise when it’s real one.
Juul suspends sale of fruity flavor pods
–– Will replace with Cap’n Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, Honey Smacks.
3-year-old Alabama girl vanishes while attending birthday party, police fear kidnapping
–– Or really good magician.
Pence Says Turkey Has Agreed To Suspend Its Incursion Into Syria
–– Need to catch breath after snatching up so much territory.
Fact check: Trump nonsensically claims other presidents tried to make his Turkey deal for '10 years' or '15 years'
–– But Turkey rejected as ‘too good to be true.’
Mnuchin Confronted About Trump’s Nonsensical Kurds ‘Didn’t Help us in Normandy’ Comment
–– ‘I believe the President meant some level-headed ones might’ve.’
Kurds say Turkey is violating hours-old 'ceasefire' in northern Syria
–– Which is point 2 of plan.
Trump’s Letter To Erdogan Was So 'Adolescent' People Thought It Was A Fake
–– Dick doodles didn’t help.
Kurdish leader says Trump promised he would protect the Kurds
–– ‘And drain swamp and build wall!’
Trump Branded 'Obscene and Ignorant' by Former Anti-ISIS Envoy
–– Now his presidential monument has inscription.
Liz Cheney tried to blame the Syria debacle on impeachment
–– Sure, if you blame impeachment on fact Trump was elected.
President Trump Says He's an 'Island of One' on Removing Troops From Northeast Syria
–– Like Bikini A-hole.
Lindsey Graham addresses Trump: "I will hold you accountable" over treatment of Kurdish allies
–– “Only one spankin’ this week.”
’Don’t be a fool!' Donald Trump's letter 'binned' by Turkish president as Mike Pence attempts to broker ceasefire
–– Erdogan: ‘Binned there, done that.’
Donald Trump Isn’t Julius Caesar. He’s Republic-Killer Tiberius Gracchus.
–– More Tiberius crackers.
Trump is 'effectively handcuffed' during the impeachment inquiry: Rick Klein
–– Can we try ‘physically.’
Monica Lewinsky admits Trump impeachment investigation has been 'hard for me'
–– Stain on her reputation?
Entrepreneur Andrew Yang's quixotic U.S. presidential campaign gets serious
–– Looks for actual windmills to tilt at.
California becomes the first state to ban fur products
–– Bear on flag will wear plant-based coat.
Trump says Saudi Arabia will pay the U.S.for sending more troops
–– Insists he will sign over check made out to Trump Organization.
This Is Going to Be the Worst, Most Racist Presidential Campaign Since 1868
–– Nothing to Jim Crow about.
Trump appears to do bizarre impression of FBI agent having sex
–– Or was imagining podium was Stormy Daniels.
Bolton Objected to Ukraine Pressure Campaign, Calling Giuliani ‘a Hand Grenade’
–– With pinhead pulled.
Washington Post: EU ambassador to tell Congress Trump relayed to him 'no quid pro quo' text
–– We kid pro quo thee not.
Donald Trump distances himself from Rudy Giuliani: 'He has been my attorney'
–– Guilt by disassociation.
Rudy Giuliani reportedly worked with a company called Fraud Guarantee
–– Got what he paid for.
Giuliani Ukraine associate had checkered past even before indictment
–– Will have prison-striped future.
William Barr: Our Less Christian Society Is To Blame For Mental Illness And Drug Abuse
–– How about treason?
Prison officer jailed for having sex with inmate in a cleaning closet
–– Came clean.
Crews are scrambling to find 2 missing workers in the Hard Rock Hotel wreckage before another collapse
– Smart timing.
Second term awaits nationalist PiS as polarized Poles prepare to vote
–– Will they take PiS out of them?
'The Lighthouse' Director Wades Through the Mysterious Ending of His Nautical Nightmare
–– It’s shipwreck.
Scarlett Johansson Says She Was 'Surprised' by Colin Jost's Proposal: 'He Killed It'
–– The romance?
Carlsberg is working on beer bottles made of paper
–– Great, we’ll sip through paper straws.
DJ Zedd Banned From China After Liking ‘South Park’ Tweet
–– Zedd so.
China Cancels Release of Tarantino's 'Once Upon a Time in Hollywood'
–– Because they’re thugs, not critics.
Robert Forster, Oscar-Nommed Star of ‘Jackie Brown,’ Dies at 78
–– Forster lagger.
He confessed on YouTube to killing a man. Now that he's out of prison, here's what he and his victim's family want you to know
–– He got plenty of hits.
Jennifer Aniston: True Power Comes From Using One’s Voice to ‘Hold People Up’
–– Helps if you have gun.
Fox News staffers worry Shepard Smith's departure will further push out facts
–– Already at furthest reaches of galaxy.
Typhoon Hagibis makes landfall in Japan, leaving at least two dead
–– And millions asking: ‘How do you pronounce that?’
A Spice Company Spent $92,000 on Pro-Impeachment Facebook Ads in a Week
–– Peppered social media.
