RINGS UP, WHEELS OFF
Week of 09/26/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Another black eye for the Secret Service
–– Willing to take that rather than bullet for POTUS.
Kim Jong Un not seen in weeks
–– Sources: Recovering from penile implant surgery.
40 reasons why 'Saturday Night Live' is still awesome in its 40th year
–– 1. 39 years lowering audience's expectations.
Couple Who Allegedly Had Sex On Murdered Bodies 'Couldn't Get Off'
–– Kept thinking corpses would come, too.
Computer shows Penn. cop-killing suspect planned attack for years
–– Manhunts for Dummies found under his pillow.
Man mistaken for squirrel shot dead
–– Hunter fooled by nuts in mouth.
Cop: I captured ghost on camera
–– ‘But the lil’ devil slipped away when I nodded off.’
Disney princesses ditch Mattel, run away with Hasbro
–– Mattel hooks up with princes.
Navajo Nation to sign $554 million settlement from U.S. government
–– Chief: ‘Told you we’d wampum!’
Nigeria: Troops killed man acting as Boko Haram leader
–– Critics' particularly harsh review.
Airstrikes hit ISIS in the wallet
–– Talk about precision missiles.
Christie drops 85 lbs., but thinking big
–– Much of it from neck up.
Obama’s coffee cup salute draws criticism
–– From Joe Light-No-Sugar.
MTV’s 'Faking It' adds intersex character
–– Isn’t everyone on MTV into sex?
India’s spacecraft reaches Mars orbit ... and history
–– PM thanks vast tech support team in Mississippi.
Tony Stewart won't face charges in Kevin Ward Jr.'s death
–– Justice swerved.
Tasty or addictive? Chinese restaurant serves noodles laced with opium poppy
–– For Lo meinliners.
Wall St. Bankrolls Ex-Executive as He Sues Over A.I.G. Bailout
–– Holds two massive brass balls as collateral.
Pirates free American after 2 years
–– Can sign with another NL team.
Mark Zuckerberg annoys neighbors
–– We are all his neighbors.
Alibaba founder Jack Ma now China's richest man
–– Top of the world Ma.
3 Afghan soldiers missing after mall trip in Massachusetts now in custody
–– Found with hot Britney Spears CD and two electric hand fans.
EXCLUSIVE: Paula Deen Struggled With Agoraphobia Fears After Racial Slur Scandal
–– Feared to leave house because ‘black folks was everywhere out there.’
Will ET Be Here Soon? NASA Brings Scientists, Theologians Together To Prepare
–– Along with a dozen INS agents.
Kenan Thompson is leaving Saturday Night Live
–– Will join Finesse Mitchell and Tim Meadows at Radio Shack managed by Garrett Morris.
Joan Rivers treatment an example of ’VIP Syndrome?’
–– Very Immobile Person.
Pacino: ‘Say hello to my little friends’
–– Xanax and Viagra.
TV News Reporter Quits on Air, Reveals Herself as Head of Medical Marijuana Business: "F— It"
–– Proving her cure for ‘giving a s––t’ works.
‘Pride’ Recalls Alliance Between Gay Activists and Miners
–– Came together in shaft.
Rick Perry: Joan Rivers' death would have been prevented in a Texas abortion clinic
–– ‘Performing her throat biopsy from that end woulda’ been tricky, but I’m just sayin’…’
Lady Gaga: ‘I’m more Sober than I’ve Ever Been’
–– ‘Which gives you an idea of how baked I was.’
Prince George Is ‘Hectic’ and ‘Busy’
–– Barely has time to play with own shit.
Black prevails in Syria jihadist stronghold
–– Comedian Lewis’ rant convinces leader al-Baghdadi to chillax.
Madonna Posts Video Of Son Hailed As Possibly The Next Dancing Prodigy
–– Or Possibly The Next Celebrity Offspring in Rehab.
’Golden Boy’ Director Slams Sharon Stone, Says Her Demands ‘Bordered On Ridiculousness’
–– Couldn’t afford to keep her in ice picks and bikini wax.
Iraq loses contact with soldiers near Fallujah
–– String breaks between $1000 U.S.-made walkie-talkies.
China’s Special Forces In Hong Kong Go Through A Ridiculous Training Regimen
–– Based upon Monty Python’s Camp Army Drill.
Shirtless Jared Leto Shows Off His Impressive Junk Once Again During Concert––See the Hot Pic!
–– If you call his back catalogue ‘impressive.’
This 19-Year-Old Developer Is So Successful, He Turned Down Apple
–– Tim Cook will keep job at Genius Bar warm for him.
Marvel’s New Hero Wants To Save The World – And The Citrus Industry
–– Captain Citrus a lemon.
Marchers sound urgent call for climate change action ahead of U.N. summit
–– Hot air punches another hole in ozone.
White House fence jumper has PTSD, former stepson says
–– Punk Terrible Security Disorder.
Lions’ Stephen Tulloch Hurts Himself While Celebrating Sack Against Packers
–– Dance dubbed The Knee-Snapper.
NYC beer cruise runs aground
–– Passengers high, not dry.
Did frat put 'date rape' drug in drinks?
–– And label it Get’erade?
Boko Haram in talks over girls
–– They want more.
BIG APPLE CIRCUS
Week of 09/19/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
This Is What Most People Did Immediately After Getting the iPhone 6
––
Tore pants pocket shoving it in.
Scientists: Banana peels reduce friction
–– In latest slang for condoms.
Guinter Kahn, Inventor of Baldness Remedy, Dies at 80
–– Parting is such sweet sorrow.
Michael Che Gets ‘Daily Show’ Farewell En Route to ‘SNL’s Weekend Update: Video
–– Stewart: 'It's the perfect vehicle for his unique brand of unfunny.'
‘Django Unchained’ Actress Daniele Watts Under Scrutiny: Her Credibility Is Going to Be in the Toilet
–– If it's a public one, she'll have sex in it.
This 6-Year-Old Outsmarts Us All, Explains True Meaning Of Life
–– All of us here, writing this headline on this computer.
Former ‘RHOBH’ Star Dana Wilkey Could Face 20 Years Behind Bars
–– Rest of cast sentenced to 20 years in bars.
Passengers cry and pray as smoke-filled plane rattles to emergency landing
–– JetBlew.
Larry Ellison stepping down as Oracle CEO
–– Finally qualifies for Social Security.
Ellen Page Poses In Her Underwear, Talks Happily Researching Castration
–– To smooth unsightly panty lines.
Jenny McCarthy Thinks She Knows Why She Was Fired From The View
–– Blames Thimerosal.
Reggie Bush backs Adrian Peterson, suggests he’ll ‘whoop’ his own daughter
–– Or reprimand her with cries of delight.
Wisconsin Republican Drops Out Of State Assembly Race Over ‘F*gs,’ ’N***ers’ Remarks
–– Figs, nappers outraged.
Could Jennifer Lopez’s Snakeskin Dress Get Any Shorter?
–– If it crawled up her asp.
Rihanna to CBS Sports: 'F*** you!'
–– CBS Sports: ‘Yes please!’
Gerard Depardieu Says He Drinks Up To 14 Bottles of Wine a Day!
–– Refills half of them by bedtime.
‘Princess Bride’ Actor Cary Elwes Details Andre the Giant’s ‘Extraordinary’ Drinking Ability
–– ‘But he was no Depardieu.’
Second-Ever Photo of Billy the Kid Emerges
–– Hacked from iCloud.
‘Bewitched’ at 50: How Samantha Stevens Got Her Nose Twitch
–– Killer blow.
With this thing strapped on, even you could run a 4-minute mile
–– And satisfy your lady.
10 Cheeses You Would Never Think to Put on a Burger
–– 8. Ear.
Peyton Manning Implies Pizza Business Is 'Good' in Colorado Due to Legalization
–– Of pizza joints.
President Obama is Sen. Ted Cruz's cousin! Really!
–– Through they're great-great-uncle Tom.
Biden says use of term 'Shylocks' was a poor choice
–– Apologizes, adding, ‘here’s my pound of flesh, bloodsuckers.’
The media mob chasing Hillary Clinton
–– With torches, pitchforks and ennui.
Peter Fonda's 'Easy Rider' Motorcycle Could Fetch $1 Million at Auction
–– Although stash in gas tank might be stale by now.
Jane Lynch Rebuffed Grumpy Cat Voice Role After Winning Emmy
–– She’d already had enough pussy in her mouth.
Jennifer Lawrence Shares an Inspirational Message After Hacking Scandal
–– ‘They’re real.’
Did LeBron James Have His Hairline Fixed?
–– Yes, it kept chasing after bitches.
Iran leader: ISIS out to kill humanity
–– And that’s our job!
NYT’s Dowd inspires campaign to educate Colorado about pot edibles
–– And how to use her column as buzz-kill.
Joan Rivers’ Doctor Snapped Selfie During Throat Procedure
–– Texted, 'Me entering the Holland Tunnel.'
Beyoncé's Curious Thigh Gap Returns
–– Thighs matters.
Study: Schizophrenia is 8 diseases
–– At least 16 to schizophrenics.
Microbrew sales boom at Ohio nudie bar
–– Nips in the Bud?
Off the Drugs, Onto the Cupcakes
–– Alice B. Toklas’.
First Whitney Houston Live Album Set for Nov. Release
–– Prediction: Crack’s top ten.
Gillibrand: I wanted to tell labor leader 'to go f*** himself’
–– Since single-cell organisms are capable of doing that.
Wal-Mart shopper opens trunk of Lexus, finds body of someone she knows
–– Decides not to buy car.
Apple offers a way to 'return' that free U2 album
–– Pro Bono.
Kanye West Stops Concert Because Kid in Wheelchair Is Not on His Feet: ‘Stand Up!’
–– ‘You are healed in the name of Yeezus!’
After Saying Women On Medicaid Should Be Sterilized, Russell Pearce Resigns From Arizona GOP
–– Defends self, ‘I just called a spayed a spayed.’
Derek Jeter got a bucket of crabs and a captain’s hat from the Orioles
–– Some claim it was a case.
Consumer Reports finds Chinese tire brands are no bargain
–– ‘They’re bald as a Chinese Crested.’
Richard Sherman refuses to speak to media after being “exposed”
–– Seahawk’s little birdie told me.
These Dogs That Comforted Each Other In Shelter Have Now Found A Caring Forever Home Together
–– In Doggie Heaven.
Whoops! Miss Nebraska Flashes Cameras During Miss America Pageant
–– Could almost see her Omahooha.
Rural Scotland split on vote
–– 51% Aye, 49% Baa.
Amy Winehouse Statue Unveiled in London
–– Toppled in gutter.
Muslim Brotherhood leader: Qatar asked us to leave
–– Due to lewd sects act.
Gary Busey Becomes First American to Win 'Celebrity Big Brother’
–– And first alien.
Enterovirus moves into Northeast
–– Neighbors ‘sickened.’
Miss America 2015: Show Us Your Shoes Parade shines on rainy Boardwalk
–– Show Us Your Jugs Parade bigger hit.
Arkansas judge loses job over online comments about actress Charlize Theron
–– Posted while ‘flogging the defendant.’
Yet another 'Frozen' spinoff: An Epcot theme park attraction
–– Olaf’s Blue Balls Ice Flume.
OFFENSIVE TO THE END
Week of 09/12/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Goodell brings in former FBI director to launch probe of NFL handling of Ray Rice
–– In Hail Mary pass.
My life as a little person
––
By Donald Trump.
Sarah Palin, Track Palin and Bristol Palin Involved in Drunken Fight at Snowmobile Party: Reports
––
Kicks off Alaska's Social Season.
Disney World splurges that are worth it
–– 2. Belle's 'Happiest Ending on Earth' massage.
Pistorius convicted of negligent killing
––
Warned to be more diligent next time.
Apple iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus Spark Pre-Order Frenzy
–– There's no app for that.
Ian Paisley, Ulster Hard-Liner Who Made Peace, Dies at 88
–– Paisley clashed with British government and polka dots.
Tim Tebow Joins ‘Good Morning America’ as Contributor
–– ABC punts.
‘I have personally spit my own saliva into dishes’: Ritzy Midtown steakhouse suing to find out who wrote nasty Yelp review about eatery once used for mafia hit
–– ‘And when I really hated the customer I spit my dog’s saliva.’
Ellen Pompeo: "I Definitely Don't Have a Strong Desire to Act After 'Grey's Anatomy' "
–– Inspires 50 shades of Yay!
The largest predatory dinosaur was ’half-duck, half-crocodile’
–– If it looks like a croc, swims like a croc and quacks like a duck, then…?
10 Things About Instant Ramen You’ll Be Embarrassed You Never Knew
–– 6. No chickens were harmed in making chicken flavor packet.
Jaws actor in Bond films dies
–– Bites big one.
NFL looking into report that league exec saw Ray Rice video in April
–– And recommended it as training film for Smashmouth offense.
Maggots found in baby food
–– Itsy-bitsy, cutesy-wutesy maggots.
Hospital executive: Rob Ford, embattled Toronto mayor, has a tumor
–– Tumor preserved in alcohol.
Mets sued by ex-exec who claims she was fired for being pregnant and unwed
–– Files separate paternity suit against Mr. Met.
Elephant caretaker crushed to death
–– Didn’t take care.
Really? 10 unexpected cruise activities
–– 8. Keelhauling.
Jay Carney joins CNN as commentator
–– Jeff Zucker: ‘We needed Carney barker.’
The colors you’ll be wearing in 2015
–- Depending if you’re Blood or Crip.
Buffalo Bills sell for more than $1 billion
–– Which is a ridiculous number of bills.
House Republicans turn to Dick Cheney
–– During Satanic ritual.
Clown goes on racist rant?
–– Or Limbaugh's Monday show.
Why is this woman wearing a colander?
–– She’s been under strain.
Amazon Cuts Struggling Phone’s Price to 99 Cents
–– Wary customers waiting for price cut to 98 Cents.
What happens when you binge-watch Sarah Palin
–– You are unable to read further.
Aww! Man gets great big lion-hug
–– Eww! Lion squeezed too hard.
5 words to describe the 49ers win over the Cowboys
–– I don’t give a shit.
This Poor, Little Dog Broke Both of Her Legs and Has (Adorably) Learned to Walk Like a Human
–– A human wearing cone around her neck.
Miley’s mom: We twerk during Saturday breakfast
–– Though it might scramble my daughter’s eggs.
Get Rid of Fruit Flies With This Kitchen Hack
–– Gordon Ramsay with a swatter.
America’s Highest-Paid Female CEO Is Transgender
–– Splits difference, makes 89, not 77 cents on dollar compared to highest-paid male.
Girl wears 'shame suit' for short skirt
–– With ‘slut slacks’ and ‘scuz smock.’
Home Depot confirms months-long hack
–– Using their own hack saws!
Jack the Ripper was Polish immigrant Aaron Kosminski, book claims
–– Misunderstood parents who said he should become rapper.
Rock is dead, says Gene Simmons
–– Confesses as he turns self in.
Ravens cut Ray Rice
–– Who uppercut fiancée.
Happy Grandparents Day, Nana New Face
–– Happy Grandparents Day, Nana New Hip.
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush yuk it up
–– Viewers upchuck it up.
What is this thing caught in Florida?
–– What is this thing caught, love?
Camper sleepwalks off a cliff
–– While dreaming he was in Warner Bros. Cartoon.
S. Truett Cathy, Chick-fil-A founder, dies
–– Body to be battered and cremated.
’Extremely rare’ wahoo fish caught
–– Wa-hooo!
Asteroid makes fly-by today
–– Wave.
Henry Kissinger's Thoughts On The Islamic State, Ukraine And 'World Order'
–– 'Vat? Vat? Talk louder.'
Denzel Washington For Black Panther? Here's What He Told Us
–– ‘I could maybe play Gray Panther.’
iPhone 6: Bigger, better, pricier?
–– Oblong, lemon-scented, radioactive?
Hillary Clinton to decide on 2016 presidential run around end of year
–– Or, after another 200 news stories about who’s in her cabinet.
THE RIVERS SHTYX
Week of 09/05/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Melissa Rivers' Funeral Plans: Joan Rivers Will Be Buried With A Red Carpet
–– Inside a Saint Laurent Alligator Body Bag.
U.S. makes brutal anti-ISIS video
–– Will submit to VMAs.
Hammerhead chases swimmers
–– Fails to nail them.
Alibaba IPO may raise up to $24 billion
––
Board's 40 thieves ecstatic.
Triple H says he is not being groomed to take over WWE from Vince McMahon
–– Though he might run 4-H club.
Obama Says US Will 'Degrade and Ultimately Defeat' ISIS Like Al Qaeda
––
Insult comics being recruited for Phase I.
The Dog Breeds That Live The Longest
––
God dogs.
Christians Respond To Victoria Osteen's Claim: 'When We Obey God..We're Doing It For Ourself'
–– That's the royal 'ourself.'
Watch Will Smith Dance on a Segway at Burning Man
–– If your stomach can take it.
President Bush Predicted In 2007 With Frightening Accuracy What Is Happening Today In Iraq
–– After laying the groundwork with frightening stupidity.
'Game of Thrones' season five will go on without Hodor
–– Aw, Hodor!
Man rips off own head in the Bronx
––
Head only had spare change.
Apple to beef up security
–– With pure baloney.
Can NATO get back to its roots?
–– Feudal warfare with cudgels and spears.
Lack of sleep may shrink your brain
–– Claim insomniac researchers.
Giant live millipedes seized at San Francisco airport
–– By cops on foot patrol.
Nevada gets Tesla’s gigafactory
–– To locate next door to Giggle Factory.
French President's ex-girlfriend reveals intimate details in new book
–– Hollande liked to ‘go Dutch.’
Dog goes for record, eats 43 socks
–– Joey Chestnut vows to swallow 44.
Holyfield's son runs for 7 touchdowns
–– Tyson’s son bites off ear in end zone.
Michelle Obama appears in ‘Snackpocalypse'
–– Her husband in 'Lameduckageddon.'
Prince Harry Plays Rugby with School Kids & Flashes His Abs in the Process!
–– Keeps crown jewels in shorts.
Family of girl who shot instructor: Pray
–– She doesn’t find you.
Man gets 15-30 years for porch shooting
–– Porch expected to recover.
Why transgender ban in military?
-– Don’t want to confuse predatory officers.
4 reasons Rick Perry is in trouble
–– 4. indictment, 3. mouth, 2. hair, 1. glasses.
Is the iCoud safe to use?
–– For hackers.
Obama: ‘I’d join a union’
–– Sag.
Zephyr Teachout brushed off from Andrew Cuomo during Labor Day Parade
–– Though her ridiculous name did reach him.
Jesus Montero suspended for the rest of the season due to the ice cream sandwich affair
–– Remains in good humor.
Cockroach farmer makes big bucks
–– Uh, we mean, bugs.
FBI investigating nude J-Law pics
–– Staff pouring over evidence.
Texting woman impaled in buttocks
–– Continued butt texting until phone was removed.
George Takei Reveals How He Came Out Because of Arnold Schwarzenegger
–– Inspired by Total Recall quote, ‘If I am not me, who da hell am I?’
Beijing says no to open elections in Hong Kong
–– But will allow Ralph Nader's name on ballot.
Kraft recalls American cheese singles
–– Cheese found in them.
From NY to Texas, KKK recruits with candies and fliers
–– White chocolate only.
Brewery’s 99-packs sell out in 1 day
–– Tylenol 1000-packs sell out next day.
Brace yourselves ... the 'Sex Box' is real
–– Pictures are all over the internet.
CNN tours Kim Jong Un’s waterpark
–– With its Nuclear Bomb Flume and Dissidentz Dizzy Dunker.
CNN Report: ISIS selling Yazidi women
–– At Infidel's Basement.
Paul McCartney signs letter urging Scotland to stick with UK
–– Pleads, ‘Don’t get back to where you once belonged.’
What you didn't see at the Emmys
–– Entertaining TV.
Will floating bikes take off?
–– With ET as spokesalien?
Get cheapest gas in U.S. here
–– Taco Bell’s $1 menu.
Police punch, tackle man at Walmart
–– South Carolinians outraged: he wasn’t black.