THE THIN RED CARPET
Week of 05/30/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Gwyneth Paltrow Compares Online Gossip to War
–– Under orders from general stupidity.
The Dangers of Tail Docking
–– In latest slang for anal sex.
Couple Allows 5-Year-Old Transgender Daughter, Ryland Whittington, To Realize Dream Of Becoming A Boy
–– The little prick.
50 Cent Claims New York Cop Gave Him a Hard Time for Terrible First Pitch
–– Mets offer him minor league contract.
Thigh gap video ‘The Magic Gap’ sends wrong message: critics
–– Prefer title 'Mind the Gap.'
Suicide bomber for Al Qaeda branch in Syria was raised in Florida: report
–– In West Bomb Beach.
Franklin Graham Is the Worst Thing to Happen to God in a While
–– Since Son of God was released.
A dog pooping twice on a US Airways flight caused it to make an emergency landing
–– He refused to pay additional dog waste baggage fee.
Earth is nearing 'sixth great extinction,' alarming survey says
–– For humans: not so 'great.’
Mark Zuckerberg Used This Pickup Line On His Wife Back In College, And She Was ‘Appalled'
–– ‘Your face is a book and I wanna like it.’
10 Terrible Movies That Are Actually Really Good
–– 10 brilliant opinions that are actually really dumb.
Bret Michaels Dragged Off Stage During Concert in N.H
–– By taste police.
Richard II’s spine was twisted, not hunched
–– But his back was definitely humped.
White House press secretary Jay Carney leaving
–– To become carny at other funfair.
Ex-Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer to buy Clippers for $2B
–– Take that, Donald Sterling!
Forbes ‘Most Powerful Woman’ is…
–– She-Hulk.
Nick Saban: I’d recruit a gay player
–– For three-ways with my wife.
Are you a psychopath? Take this test
–– Or murder the guy who created it.
Jim Carrey gets teary and serious
–– Reviewing his recent filmography.
Lemon and Coulter talk clitorectomies
–– What do two dicks know about that?
Peres, Abbas to pray for peace at Vatican on June 8
–– Answering critics who say peace talks don’t have a prayer.
Tom Cruise And The Mamouth Movie Premeire Mathathon
–– And spelling bee.
Giant gator spotted at mall
–– In Lacoste store.
Christie: ‘I am much smaller now’
–– ‘In mind and spirit.’
Cynicism linked to greater dementia risk, study says
–– Who the hell believes that…that thing?
Snowden: ‘I was trained as a spy’
–– By watching Inspector Gadget.
All conservatives love this candidate
–– Scrooge McDuck.
Whole Foods stock is rotting away
–– Along with organic sprouts.
Son of Red Sox broadcaster given life
–– By wife of Red Sox broadcaster.
Steve Balmer in talks to buy Clippers?
–– The Zune of the NBA.
Dermatologists Are Skeptical of New “Drinkable” SPF
–– Though they allow it might keep teeth white.
Soda Industry Study Says Drink Diet Soda to Lose Weight
–– And keep your tumors hydrated.
Want to live in the world's happiest place? This is where you should go…
–– In the ground.
Will robots replace fast-food workers?
–– Yes, as synthetic replace organic ingredients.
Justices strike down Florida's IQ rule for executions
–– The same morons can condemn prisoners to death.
I’ve been priced out of downtown Detroit
–– And had to move my crank franchise to Flint.
How poor planning can pay off big
–– By Kathleen Sebelius.
Nigeria official: We know where girls are
–– Singles bars.
Tupac's Last Words: 'F**k You,' Says First Responder Cop (Report)
–– Were first words, too, says proud mom.
Pope Francis wants Catholics to doubt the Church. He's right.
–– Warns against 'papal bull.'
Pope, Netanyahu spar over Jesus' native language
–– Hurl insults in Hebrew and Aramaic.
Solange Knowles Sees Increase In Music Sales Since Elevator Video
–– Kickstarts career.
Don Henley Hits Back at Robert Plant: ‘I Am Never Bored’
–– ‘I leave that to Eagles’ fans.’
LoJack names its 10 most stolen cars
–– 7. Honda Filch Snatchback.
US man finds lost mother in Amazon tribe
–– Where she’d become Prime customer.
Floyd Mayweather Involved in Altercation with Rapper TI in Las Vegas
–– Forecast: Mayweather stormy.
Accidental outing of CIA official could end a covert career
–– In latest slang for male prostitution.
Pope: Come to Vatican for peace talks
–– And stay for the cannoli!
Kim and Kanye tie the knot
–– Now they should tie the tubes.
DANGEROUS WHEN VET
Week of 05/23/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
VA's Shinseki finds himself in firestorm
–– And can't get an appointment at burn center.
Ann Coulter takes on Leo DiCaprio
–– In hand to hoof combat.
Tennessee Frat Suspended After Hot Sauce-on-Genitals Hazing
–– Charged with illegal weiner roast.
Judge: Gitmo forced feeding can resume
–– To fatten them up for Thanksgiving.
Iran cleric condemns ‘satanic’ divorce parties
–– Like Gwyneth Paltrow's in the Bahamas.
Pat Sajak: Global warming alarmists are 'unpatriotic racists’
–– Global warming alarmists: _ AJAK I_ AN A _ _HOLE.
‘Lemonhead’ & 10 other horrific brand mascots
–– 10. Preppy H, 9. Zim’s Crack Creme’s CrackHead, 8. The Lamisiliac, 7. Summer’s Eve’s Douch Bug, 6. Dulcolax’s Brown Lightning, 5. Subway’s Foot Long Floater, 4. McDonald's The Hambugger, 3. Taco Belch, 2. Clearasil’s Papa Zit, 1. Beano's Bree Z.
Tainted beef may be in stores in 9 states
–– Of decay.
Almost half of Americans can't do this
–– Use the Ladies' Room.
Levi Strauss CEO: Stop washing your jeans
–– The occasional golden shower should suffice.
Two boys arrested, accused of putting poison in teacher's water bottle
–– Whatever happened to poison apples?
110 arrested outside McDonald's HQ
–– The Hamburglar and his gang?
’Cowboy’ beats 'normal guy' in Idaho governor primary
–– With potato 2nd runner-up.
6 arrested in Iran for ‘Happy’ video
–– And wearing those Pharrel hats.
Baseball player with multi-million-dollar contract bitten in the ear
–– MLB won’t hear of it.
‘Chocolate King’ wants Ukraine’s top job
–– In latest slang for gay porn star.
Dinesh D’Souza pleads guilty to fraud
–– And not just for Obama films.
Zeppelin sued over ‘Stairway to Heaven’
–– Stoner just ‘like heard it for first time’ and thought it sounded familiar.
Divorce reportedly costs Russian oligarch $4.5 billion, with a B
–– As in borscht.
Chattanooga’s super-fast internet
–– And super-slow everything else.
Tea party and NRA square off in KY
–– May the best maniac win.
Mayor to bullied kids: ‘Grow a pair’
–– ‘Especially you girlies — I like that sort of thing.’
Marlon Brando's Private-Island Tahitian Resort Finally Opening
–– Must try the ‘Last Tango’ butter massage.
Macklemore denies concert costume was a Jewish stereotype
–– Thought Shylock was a bald rapper.
Michael Jackson hologram creepy?
–– In other words, true to life.
Back from the dead? Kim Jong-un’s ex-girlfriend appears on television nine months after reports she'd been EXECUTED for making a sex tape
–– He’s just into necrophilia.
Police official resigns over Obama slur
–– Has job lined up at Cliven Bundy ranch.
Traditional Nigerian hunters want to find girls
–– Doesn’t everyone?
Cannes: Iranian Authorities Outraged Over Actress' French Cheek Kiss
–– Festival President suggests they kiss his other cheeks.
’SNL’ 2013-14 Season Review: Why It Wasn’t As Awful As You Thought It Was
–– Because you’re Lorne Michaels’ personal assistant.
California Chrome can use nasal strip in Belmont Stakes, race officials say
–– And appear in Breathe Right ad.
Chris Christie: U.S. Has Lost Its Moral Leadership Under Obama
–– 'I can get us back on bridge to decency.'
’Serious accident’ in North Korea
–– Kim Jong-un soils Mao Suit.
Second Dog under George W. Bush dead in Texas
–– He rolled over on one while napping. Again.
Mila Kunis, Ashton Kutcher Go on Romantic Movie Date With Baby Bump: Picture
–– Bump wouldn’t stop crying.
The Weirdest Object in the Universe
–– That thing on Trump’s head.
Gay People Need to Be More Tolerant
–– And stop referring to ‘strays’, and ‘hetros.’
Armed men storm Libyan Parliament
–– Darryl Issa subpoenas Hillary Clinton.
Ride on battle-scarred Vietnam icon
–– Piggyback on Rambo.
Memo to Modi: How to reboot India
–– Get rid of the sandals.
’Game of Throne’ author digs DOS
–– Lannisters all use IBM PCs.
10 things to know about the Delta
–– 8. Carry ons must fit in overhead storage.
Paul McCartney dances with a robot
–– To song played at their wedding.
Is gluten-free food a joke?
–– To everyone except the humorless few that consume it.
Jet dropped 600 feet in 1 minute
–– 300 passengers break through floor.
Rove stands by Hillary comments
–– Invokes bona fides on brain damage.
Beyonce, Jay Z release minimovie
–– ‘Sister Act III: Kicking the Habit.’
Palin is watching Georgia Senate race
–– Doesn’t know how to switch channel from C-SPAN.
WAWA PEDDLE
Week of 05/16/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Barbara Walters: ‘It’s time’ to retire
–– Agreeing with 97% of adult Americans.
Stiviano 'was an animal' in bed, says Sterling
–– A leech.
Rare footage shows FDR walking at 1937 Major League Baseball All-Star Game
–– After going to full count.
Pentagon document lays out battle plan against zombies
–– In case of internal revolt.
Texas school nicknamed 'Predator High'
–– Known for its alien bounty hunters.
Farmer cuts off feet with broken glass to avoid paying for costly surgery
–– Stumps doctors.
Ad agency sparks outrage with mattress promo showing Malala 'bouncing back' after being shot in head
–– Klu Klux Klan sheet ads put on hold.
Clueless star possibly headed to Fox News
–– Should feel right at home.
5 Fruit Juices That Are As Bad For Your Health As Soda
–– 3. Ocean Spray Cran-Arsenic.
Jessica Simpson's Waist Looks Tinier Than Ever in Dramatic Black Dress With a Thigh-High Slit
–– As does brain.
Crimean Tatars condemn ban on rally to mark Stalin's persecution
–– They're 'boiling.'
Woman, 31, Accused of Posing as High School Student for 7 Months
–– On Gossip Girl.
Parents make difficult decision to keep conjoined twins together
–– Put away pinking shears.
4 Surgeries to Avoid
–– 2. Cosmetic castration.
Report: Michael Sam didn't tell Rams about Oprah documentary plan
–– Worried they might think it was too gay.
Casino Magnate Steve Wynn Paid $28 Million For A Statue Of Popeye The Sailor Man
–– That’s a lotta spinach.
Beyoncé And Jay Z Break Their Silence On The Infamous Elevator Incident
–– Solange threatens to break jaw.
12 Breakfast Cereals That Are More That 50% Sugar
–– 9. Honey Frosted Diabeaties.
Kids vote Limbaugh ‘Author of the Year’
–– Ones who can't read.
Who are girls in Boko Haram video?
–– The ones singing backup on A Whiter Shade of Pale?
Inside the Solange-Jay Z-Beyonce family feud
–– Survey says: BFD.
Russia to bail out of space station
–– With really big parachute.
Donald Sterling Attacks Magic Johnson in CNN Interview
–– Sings praises of own ‘magic johnson.’
Pope Francis: I’d baptize Martians
–– And try to convert Jovians.
Clay Aiken wins by 390 votes; rival dead
–– Republican opponent condemns sexuality, praises style.
Doctors treat depression with magnets
–– Especially bipolar disease.
Rove hints Clinton has brain damage
–– Said to recognize signs from W.
Company VP: My dad was Zodiac Killer
–– Mom was a Libra.
Judge Orders Probe Into Casey Kasem's Whereabouts
–– Police send out all points long distance dedication.
Will This Tiny Tool Stop Teens From Texting While Driving?
–– He sits in passenger seat and slaps them if they try.
We’re all beta testers now
–– Master betas.
Giant boulder rolls toward church
–– As parishioners sing Rock of Ages.
TV’s go-to fake newsman
–– Geraldo Rivera cashes in.
Disney plans to milk ‘Frozen’ success
–– By massaging its icy teats.
TV networks swing the ax
–– On Celebrity Beheadings!
Black Mass on Harvard Campus canceled
–– Satan an Eli.
He lost 200 pounds in 9 months
–– Gave birth to hippo triplets.
Jay Z Attacked by Solange Knowles After Met Gala (Report)
–– Made her leave tip.
’Nervous’ Man Busted with 2,000 Heroin Packets at Port Authority, PAPD Says
–– He'd already swallowed 1,000 packets of coke.
Geithner: I caused the tea party
–– That celebrated bankers avoiding jail time.
Rubio on climate change: it’s not us
–– Democrats created all that methane gas.
Taliban begins spring offensive
–– Not surprising, he was offensive all winter.
Beverly Hills Hotel Boycott: Polo Lounge Nearly Deserted (Except for One Actor)
–– Who wasn't bussing tables.
10 Budget-Busting Dog Breeds
–– 7. Scottish Dearhound.
Courtney Love: I Turned Down Russell Brand Because He Smelled “Too Musky”
–– I prefer “hashish and sachet."
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Was Wrong: More White Americans Believe In Racism Than Ghosts
–– If you don’t count the Holy Trinity.
Limbaugh hits #Bring BackOurGirls
–– Prices Nigerian sex slaves on air.
North Korea Says It Will Defend Its Dignity With Another Nuclear Test
–– It could defend it’s dignity by urinating down its own leg in a back alley.
Shape Magazine told me to cover up
–– Because my shape was ovoid.
Georgia FedEx facility shooter: ‘I’m not sorry .. for the misery I’ve caused’
–– Gov. Nathan Deal: ‘Me neither.’
Larry Wilmore of ‘Daily Show’ to succeed Colbert with ‘Minority Report’
–– Ending search for 'least charismatic black comic.'
Subway CEO: ‘No excuse’ on wages
–– Or flabby sandwiches.
Beatification set for Pope Paul VI
–– Vatican: He's 'canon fodder.'
HEARING TEST
Week of 05/09/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
House GOP to Create New Benghazi Investigation
–– Will also probe Red Wedding cover-up.
Texas VA clerk: We were ‘cooking the books’
–– ‘In the bodily fluids of veterans.’
Lily Allen Hospitalized After ‘Projectile Vomiting’
–– Fans sure it was part of show.
Netflix raises prices for new members by $1
–– So they can license rest of Dolph Lundgren’s back catalogue.
North Korea insults Obama with racist barbs, South Korea’s Park with sexist ones
–– Kim: ‘Is yin and yang of evil, mwahaha!’
7 things you won’t find in China
–– 5. Good bagels.
Cassette tape could hold 47M songs
–– Or all Bob Dylan bootlegs.
Apple Nearing $3.2 Billion Deal for Beats Electronics
–– That Beats all!
13 Secrets Your Child’s Teacher Won’t Tell You
–– 11. He’s even dumber than you.
Rare megamouth shark captured
–– On set of his QVC show.
Benham brothers lose HGTV show after ‘anti-gay’ remarks
–– Was to be titled Flip It (and That Fag) Forward.
’Duck Dynasty's' Miss Kay Reveals Why She Didn't Leave Phil Robertson After He Cheated
–– Love is duck blind.
How Often Do You Really Need to Shower?
–– As often as your dog recoils from sniffing your butt.
Philadelphia Zoo lets tigers stretch legs on trail
–– Before they chew them off visitors.
I Do Cardio Workouts But I’m Still Fat. What’s Wrong?
–– The cannoli power bars.
18 Things My Dog Thinks of Every 5 Minutes
–– 9. ‘I can do better than him.’
It’s “Perfectly Normal” to see Jesus in Toast, Study Says
–– And see the Holy Virgin in unbuttered muffin.
Could pot push voters to the polls?
–– If polling places offered munchies.
Couric: Kids to have shorter life spans
–– Makes snap decision.
House holds Lois Lerner in contempt
–– US public returns favor to House.
Boko Haram: The essence of terror
–– And new villain in Star Wars: Episode VII.
Boko Haram attacks searchers’ base
–– On Tatooine.
Teens pass Breathalyzer, miss prom
–– Needed to be drunk to pay for those dates.
Lewinsky ends silence on Clinton affair
–– Finally clears throat.
Real-Life Killer Behind 'Bernie' Gets Early Release, Will Live in Richard Linklater's Garage
–– He’s hoping for sequel…to crime.
Alibaba IPO could top Facebook
–– 4tThieves IPO expected to tank.
Putin Signs Law Banning Curse Words in Arts and Media
–– Including ‘short’, ‘bare-chested’, ‘lunatic.’
Vatican Reveals It Punished Thousands of Priests For Sex Abuse
–– Cancelled subscriptions to Boys’ Life.
One hurt in second shooting at Paine College in Georgia
–– State lawmakers disappointed, vote to expand ’Guns Everywhere’ law.
Bruce Lee’s Personal Belongings to be Auctioned Off: Martial Arts Shield, Shin Guard Set and More
–– Fur-lined nunchucks, Kung-Fu series on VHS, elevator slippers.
Dolce & Gabbana Sentenced To Jail
–– And the uniforms will be faa-bulous.
President Obama's Brother-in-Law Craig Robinson Reportedly Fired by Oregon State
–– Will move into WH with mother-in-law, inspire sitcom.
Drug cartels are ruining Cinco de Mayo
–– For those who like to get wasted on plain old tequila.
Michelle Knight on Ariel Castro: ‘He said that he had puppies’
–– Sick puppies.
Reese Witherspoon Says "Don't Surround Yourself With People" Who Are Unaware of Your "Greatness" on WhoSay Page
–– So she avoids theaters showing her films.
1st openly gay Episcopal bishop to divorce husband
–– Turned out to not be much of a layman.
29 Things You May Have Missed in the 'Simpsons' Lego Episode
–– Minutes of your life.
What Edward Snowden didn’t disclose
–- His crush on Putin.
Satanic group reveals crowd funded monument for Oklahoma State Capitol
–– Beelzebub sacrificing Boo, ‘World’s Cutest Dog.’
White House Correspondents Dinner: Transcript of Joel McHale’s Remarks
–– The Soup to nuts.
Terrified passengers recall airliner’s sudden, turbulent drop
–– Felt like ‘Johnny Depp’s career.’
Get taste of ‘new’ Michael Jackson cut
–– Tastes like chicken hawk.
Big promotion in N. Korea
–– 2 for 1 bag of edible roots sale.
From meth capital to Rocky Top
–– In latest slang for crack cocaine.
Cinco de Mayo is really about THIS
–– 24 hours of drinking tequila.
‘Top Gear’ host mortified he said this
–– ‘I host ‘Top Gear’.’
Report: Fan killed by toilet bowl
–– At Toilet Bowl.
Why V. Stiviano is Donald Sterling’s ‘Silly Rabbit’
–– Because he’s her Elmer Fudd.
Sinkhole sucks up miniature horse
–– And monkey in jockey silks.
Affleck asked to leave blackjack table
–– Dealer had just seen Gigli.
Buffett defends Coke decision
–– ‘I was logy, I needed a little blow.’
POUND STERLING
Week of 05/02/14
Actual headlines from the internets. You Google 'em.
Donald Sterling Is Battling Cancer, Sources Say
–– Schadenfreudometer explodes.
Malaysia mulls new crash site theory
–– Utilizing world map and darts.
Lifetime and MENSA Partner for Reality Show
–– What genius thought of that?
Rob Ford beat pal Sandro Lisi on night of crack video, claims man who shot it
–– At cribbage?
Donald Sterling could use divorce to avoid Clippers sale
–– Claim he's already getting clipped.
Cops from 'Alaska State Troopers' killed
–– Hannity
tries to book 'patriotic' shooter.
25 Surefire Signs You’ve Finally Hit Middle Age
–– 22. Can’t fire for sure.
Why botched execution was halted
–– Death sentence fans given time to attend.
Aaron Hernandez charged in jail fight
–– Doesn’t he know he could get off in 120 years with good behavior?
How High Will Christie’s Art Auctions Go?
–– Governor’s Kean paintings should fetch ‘pretty penny.’
Fox Allegedly Kept Anchor in the Closet
–– Along with a dinghy in case of Biblical flood.
Solved! How Ancient Egyptians Moved Massive Pyramid Stones
–– They drank oceans of beer.
Stephen Hawking Develops Cartoon Series Aimed at Kids
–– Pitches 'VeggieTales for science nerds.'
China denies church demolition is persecution of Christians
–– Then they shouldn’t have done it during High Mass.
Cops: Man on LSD took a walk with two machetes
––
Claimed 'they had to poop.'
Turning nobodies into YouTube stars
–– YouTube’s mission statement.
Rob Ford: ‘I have a problem’
–– ‘My dealer’s on vacation.’
Brunei adopts sharia law amid international outcry
–– Moves from 18th to 8th century.
Prehistoric fish washes ashore
–– Uses outdoor shower.
765-lb woman races to lose weight
–– And she’s bringing up the rear.
Al Feldstein, longtime Mad magazine editor, dies at 88
–– Joins Celestial Gang of Idiots.
Jihadist group ‘crucifies’ bodies
–– So don’t cross them.
8 Cat Breeds that Love Dogs
–– 5. Ones that taste like bacon.
Symphony unrolls ‘classical cannabis’
–– Including Bach’s Tokecata and Fugees and Beethoven’s Bud to Joy.
Rotting whale threatens to explode
–– Al Qaeda tries to recruit.
New doubts about ‘Jesus wife’ papyrus
–– Inclusion of prenup ‘suspicious.’
‘I picked a fight with my husband,' says Paul Simon's wife after arrests
–– ‘And he’s still crazy after all these years.’
Is diabetes shrinking my brain?
–– No, it’s posts like this.
Disney to Invest Additional $800 Million in Shanghai Resort
–– For gas masks with Mickey ears.
Finally: Classic novel comes to e-reader
–– Retitled To Kill a Mockingjay.
Climbers abandon Everest
–– Everest breathes sigh of release.
Suspect dead in FedEx shooting in Georgia, police say
–– State lawmakers: ‘“Guns everywhere’ law already working!’
13 major LA Clippers Sponsors Pull Out in Wake of Donald Sterling Racist Rant
–– Barney's New York, Cracker Barrel, Barilla Pasta and the Cliven Bundy Defense Fund to pick up slack.
China to outlaw eating of protected animal species
–– Close Panda Express.
Polish fan set on fire by stadium security guard
–– Was mistaken for tiki torch.
Chris Martin Blames Self for Split With Gwyneth, Loves One Direction
–– Will marry them next summer.
Palin: ‘Waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists’
–– 'Electric shocks to the testicles is how we get them to speak in tongues.'
Loser in McD’s-Taco Bell Breakfast Battle?
–– Lower intestinal tract.
Can twerking revive classical music?
–– If your baby’s got Bach.
Is This The Secret to Not Getting Drunk While Drinking?
–– Keep nude picture of mother-in-law handy.
What Rob Lowe found at Playboy Mansion
–– Pussy, in hall mirror.
Best airport restaurants
–– File with 'Best Saw sequels.'
Rep. Michael Grimm in custody
–– In fairy tale ending.
He got life for selling LSD
–– Is convinced he's being held on Yellow Submarine.
115-year-old woman’s long-life secrets
–– 1. Drink only virgins' blood.
Ex-QB: Concussion cost me TV job
–– Got offers from every sports website.
Cameron Diaz: Keeping the doors open
–– In latest slang for anal sex.